00:16.84
Vance 😈
Welcome back to Right Quick.

00:20.44
Nandi K
A bite-sized pop culture conversation with your favorite queer... [indisinguishable sounds] A bite-sized pop culture conversation with your favorite queer unfriendly black hotties. Oh my god.

00:31.51
Vance 😈
We are unfriendly today because of restrictive social constructs.

00:31.95
Nandi K
Ugh.

00:36.35
Vance 😈
And I am Vance Gowe.

00:39.10
Nandi K
I'm Nandi K. Obviously, my tongue is restricted from speaking, hoe. oh whoa. My goodness. What's going on there? Yeah, we hate restrictive social constructs.

00:50.58
Vance 😈
Yeah, there.

00:50.65
Nandi K
The one we hate today the most is monogamy culture. We don't hate monogamy itself.

00:56.41
Vance 😈
Yes.

00:57.11
Nandi K
I personally do for me, but i don't like have hate for people who are monogamous as a whole.

00:57.53
Vance 😈
That's.

01:04.34
Vance 😈
i Same. same i don't I sometimes hate their attitude or ideas around yes around ideas that are not theirs.

01:09.66
Nandi K
Yes, well, that's monogamy culture, yeah.

01:15.32
Vance 😈
um I also don't like how I think it's not inherently on the monogamy, but I think the the culture of you get like a social bump if you are in a relationship or like if you are married to somebody.

01:27.48
Nandi K
Yeah.

01:31.14
Vance 😈
like that I don't appreciate all that stuff.

01:32.29
Nandi K
Mm-hmm. Yeah, social currency. Mm-hmm. Well, today, y'all, we are talking about polyamory.

01:38.06
Vance 😈
Or it's like

01:45.43
Vance 😈
*air horn sounds* I don't know if that deserves an air horn.

01:47.10
Nandi K
Yeah, we're excited to talk about this. What episode was that where I was like, are you still polyamorous? I can't remember. Maybe that was the friendship episode.

01:57.75
Vance 😈
Maybe. Yeah, you were you were just kind of kind of ask yeah you were just asking if that was something that I was... oh you I think you were like, ah you I feel like you're always asking me stuff. like Recently, it was like, are you still a cishet?

02:11.56
Vance 😈
Not cishet, but cis?

02:12.28
Nandi K
um but Yeah, I guess I do be doing little check-ins to just be like, hey, so.

02:13.08
Vance 😈
cishet?

02:15.86
Vance 😈
no

02:16.88
Nandi K
But it's so wild. I don't check in on my trans friends like that. So I do feel like, is it the agenda? Who can say?

02:26.94
Vance 😈
Yeah. It might be.

02:29.18
Nandi K
But it's nice to just check in touch base, see what's going on.

02:29.64
Vance 😈
Are you still...

02:33.70
Nandi K
Like, hey, I don't want to have this idea about you that's maybe possibly outdated or

02:40.43
Vance 😈
That's fair because we're always, most people are are always changing, evolving.

02:40.54
Nandi K
you know

02:45.31
Vance 😈
But to answer your question, um i'm still I'm still figuring it out, but I do feel like whatever it is, it's is probably more in a non-monogamous field.

02:55.85
Vance 😈
um

02:56.12
Nandi K
Agreed.

02:56.95
Vance 😈
I feel like the more the more research study, the more reading and just conversations I'm having, it feels more an umbrella thing, right? So, like, there's no one way to do it.

03:07.82
Vance 😈
There's no one, one you know, one size fits all.

03:08.15
Nandi K
Yeah.

03:10.58
Vance 😈
And because of that, I definitely fall under the umbrella. I just think that um maybe the connotation that people have with ah polyamory, I don't think I fit that.

03:21.42
Vance 😈
But of course not, because it's not one size fits all.

03:22.90
Nandi K
Well. We are going to talk about that. We are going to talk about what people often get wrong because there is a lot. And it's not all their fault, but people should be a little more curious. But I do want to start with kind of like, what was your introduction into non-monogamy? Like, how did you end up identifying that way? Is there like a single story? Is it a series of events?

03:52.98
Vance 😈
Well, I would say in media, it's been funny because like it was like the more overt stuff, like the show Big Love, right? um That had to have been the first thing that I saw.

03:59.61
Nandi K
Sure.

04:02.22
Vance 😈
But then like just on a deeper level, Color Purple. um my

04:06.94
Nandi K
Wow, sure.

04:08.28
Vance 😈
yo Right? But like i I didn't pick that up until my 20s when I was reading the book. And I'm like, these niggas are poly. They're just not saying it. Like... Miss Sophia left Harper because he was hit on her and they were they were hitting on each other. And she left that nigga. She got a new nigga. They had kids. She took her kids over there.

04:28.06
Vance 😈
Then she came back with the kids and the nigga. And then, you know, when people started going to jail, they just all was just around and taking care of each other. And then, like, Suge and um Squeaky was sharing Grady.

04:37.11
Nandi K
Yeah. Mm-hmm.

04:40.79
Vance 😈
Like, and Suge had Miss Celie and Mr. and Grady. Like, they was all poly. And we weren't using that language. I think it was just like, oh, yeah, they were just doing their thing. But, like, I think that made it clear to me that, like, this is not new.

04:55.45
Vance 😈
This is not, you know, newfangled, millennial, you know, Gen z that I don't like it's not that it's that.

04:55.67
Nandi K
yeah

05:01.25
Vance 😈
We've always been doing it. It's always been here. um But to answer your question, I'm I'm kind of always, I feel like I'm always single. So when I was actually in a like, ah like, you know, relationship one-on-one, you know, when I had a nigga, um when we were dating, I think I was interested in other types of relationships.

05:16.44
Nandi K
Sure.

05:21.93
Vance 😈
And when I would bring it to that person, it would always kind of get shut. down and then like this nigga ended up cheating anyway so then it didn't matter but I'm like well what are we che- I don't believe in cheating so like what I mean by that is I'm like if you trying to do something somewhere else like why wouldn't we be able to have a conversation about

05:25.33
Nandi K
Right.

05:39.38
Vance 😈
And if it's okay with all parties and go do the thing and that's not cheating, but like, why we got to cheat?

05:40.36
Nandi K
Right.

05:45.62
Vance 😈
So I think I'll always kind of hold that. So that's what I mean about me falling under the umbrella. So like, it's not that I don't want to participate monogamy, but I think it's just relationships don't have to look one way. And I'm open to that.

06:00.22
Nandi K
Yeah, I think kind of the same for me.

06:00.31
Vance 😈
It,

06:02.02
Nandi K
I'm also open to that. I had a horror story intro into non-monogamy. A lot of my close friends know this, but I was literally engaged to someone.

06:14.32
Nandi K
And then they went to a conference and when they came back, they were like, I'm poly. And I was like, okay, we should go to therapy because obviously our communication is not where it needs to be.

06:36.47
Nandi K
i was like, have you met someone? They were like, no, i just realized, you know, I needed to tell you and that I need to be honest about this. I said, okay, cool, yeah, we should go to therapy.

06:51.32
Nandi K
They started talking to a person multiple times a day, every day. After like a week, I'm like, who is this? Who is this person? And what did we talk about?

07:05.66
Nandi K
Red flags all around. ‘Well, this person, I met them at the conference and now things have just escalated and I can't turn back.’

07:17.25
Nandi K
Huh.

07:18.32
Vance 😈
hm

07:19.59
Aaron Rand Freeman
hm

07:21.59
Nandi K
But I asked you and there was no one. Cheating. That's cheating, y'all. So I was obviously, and for me, I think through that experience, it turned out awful. That person was a liar, an abuser. They were actually a serial abuser. I wasn't even the first person in line that they did this to. ah But...

07:48.47
Nandi K
they i found out i actually was non-monogamous because they actually put language to stuff i had already been engaging in very similar to like the color purple of like sometimes you don't call it a thing because you don't have the language for it or there isn't any language for it in the case of the um the color purple so i didn't have language for it but of course that person then became like i wasn't dating anyone but

08:07.03
Vance 😈
Right. Right. Mm-hmm.

08:18.30
Nandi K
I was talking to people. i was going back to being myself. Let's be very real. And they didn't like that. They got very jealous.

08:29.56
Nandi K
Anyway, we ended up having a very dramatic breakup because involving their other partner um who they ended up abandoning me for ah But yeah, I had a terrible intro, but I knew that it didn't have to be like that.

08:48.47
Vance 😈
Right, right.

08:49.53
Nandi K
Like.

08:49.82
Vance 😈
It shouldn't be like that. um I think, again, because you're dealing with more than one person, even when you're dealing with two people, like people are people.

08:58.19
Nandi K
Right.

08:58.20
Vance 😈
People are messed up. They, you know, we flawed. So sometimes it don't show up in a way that's like, oh, but people act like that's an excuse for it to be like, oh, you see, it doesn't work. And I'm like, well, we use that same

09:18.28
Vance 😈
That scared me.

09:19.70
Nandi K
hahahahaha

09:21.01
Vance 😈
Scared to shout out. So who is that? Not Andrew Caldwell. But um but yeah, like if we have that same logic too to two monogamous relationships and I think everyone would just be like relationships don't work.

09:34.56
Vance 😈
You should you shouldn't do them.

09:35.86
Nandi K
Right.

09:35.84
Vance 😈
And I'm like, that's OK. But um but yeah.

09:39.48
Nandi K
But people do say that.

09:41.46
Vance 😈
Yeah, they do.

09:41.78
Nandi K
let's They do say that.

09:44.22
Vance 😈
um Again, i'm not i'm not I'm not here for like the, oh, this one is better than this one. Because I think like what I really believe at the end of the day is like you do what works best for you and your person or the other person, right?

09:48.82
Nandi K
Yeah.

09:54.10
Nandi K
Period. Mm-hmm.

09:55.90
Vance 😈
So if monogamy works better for y'all, yes. But I do like i do not i do like the, I don't even want say the freedom, but I think the the idea that like one person has to be everything for another person.

10:08.95
Vance 😈
And once you get, you know, Romantically, this relationship is better than all the other relationships. Like, that don't make sense to me.

10:15.89
Nandi K
Yikes.

10:17.08
Vance 😈
and And I think it's...

10:18.04
Nandi K
And it's only the one kind of relationship that's considered better.

10:18.58
Vance 😈
cause

10:21.96
Nandi K
It it doesn't consider the time or like what you've built.

10:23.00
Vance 😈
Right.

10:28.99
Vance 😈
Mm-hmm. Other places.

10:30.86
Nandi K
It's just like this person should become, and I'm like, that's capitalism, obviously.

10:36.28
Vance 😈
That feels like a prison. um and it's scary to be, like, even even even to hold that responsibility of, like, you're talking to someone new, and you're supposed to be everything for them.

10:39.51
Nandi K
Yeah. Yeah.

10:48.38
Vance 😈
And I mean, I guess if y'all both believe that, then y'all then that's true to y'all, but, like, couldn't be me, I guess is what I'm getting at, because it's like, I don't want to be y'all everything. Like, I don't like niggas that don't have friends, because that's, like, why don't you have friends?

11:00.31
Nandi K
As soon as somebody starts being like they need me, I'm like, um I might got to go. I got to dip out.

11:07.25
Vance 😈
It's like,

11:08.53
Nandi K
It's little triggering for me. ah o You can need me like emotionally. do we, is we talkin bout feelings? Okay.

11:21.40
Vance 😈
Yeah, yeah, so

11:21.44
Nandi K
You need my feelings? I could provide that for the foreseeable future, baby. Okay.

11:29.43
Vance 😈
Yeah, this

11:30.84
Nandi K
Yeah. Okay, well, this kind of leads me to the next thing about, like, I said, like, what's your polyam politic? And I guess, like, how I would describe that is, like, what is your, I guess, approach to non-monogamy, I guess, and, like, your kind of, like, foundational principles that kind of, like, guide you?

12:00.02
Vance 😈
So I think I'm relationship anarchy. I know like we've been talking about this.

12:05.85
Nandi K
Sure. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

12:06.88
Vance 😈
So like that that has kind of been speaking to me just like the idea of hierarchy not really being a thing when it comes to relationships. So what it has been moving into more so for me is like if I'm interested in somebody sexually like I would like to build towards a friendship more so than anything.

12:26.45
Vance 😈
And then it we're friends and we could kind of go from there because I think I treat my friends great.

12:26.74
Nandi K
hey

12:32.09
Vance 😈
Uh, I think I'm a dope friend.

12:33.43
Nandi K
interesting. as opposed to? you said i think i i think i treat my friends great i'm like as opposed to?

12:33.89
Vance 😈
So like if I couldn't hold that same.

12:38.65
Vance 😈
What? the hoes okay

12:46.71
Vance 😈
Like would you wait? Like, I don't... I've historically, like, put people that I'm dating and friends in different categories of my mind.

12:58.34
Vance 😈
And... Right. The monogamy thing, right?

13:00.73
Nandi K
sure

13:00.84
Vance 😈
But then, like, I think you don't show up as your best self low-key a lot of the time when you're doing that. And then, like... Or just, like, oh, this is just somebody I'm fucking on, right?

13:11.24
Vance 😈
Like, this is a hoe. This is just somebody...

13:12.70
Nandi K
Or this person doesn't matter. Yeah, yeah.

13:14.74
Vance 😈
and then And then you treat them that way. That's how you show up. And then it's just like, that's dehumanizing.

13:20.06
Nandi K
Man.

13:20.12
Vance 😈
um You know, frankly, it's a dehumanizing and that's not a way to engage with people. So then you're not treating them as great as you could. You're not treating them like a friend and you don't have them in a friend category.

13:26.81
Nandi K
Man. Dang.

13:29.58
Vance 😈
So like,

13:30.25
Nandi K
I'm feeling convicted right now. i was like, this is how i used to treat men back when I used to date men. This was literally why i was like, Okay, that was kind of my like aha moment of like when I was like, I should take a break from, at least take a break from what I'm doing because I'm seeing that how I'm thinking about this in my mind, whether my act, no matter what acts I'm carrying out.

14:02.08
Nandi K
I'm like, it's not, I wouldn't feel nice if this is how somebody was thinking about me.

14:08.79
Vance 😈
Right and And like I mean I think that is a pitfall of date man ah but

14:14.42
Nandi K
I agree.

14:14.81
Vance 😈
well

14:15.15
Nandi K
Mm-hmm.

14:16.41
Vance 😈
but But, I mean, I'm speaking, I'm speaking it right now. Like, yeah, i'm I'm trying to get well away from that because that's just not a healthy way to be. And like, you can't be dating people and thinking less of them and think that anything good is going to come out of that other than like, you're going get your a little nut off, maybe you know?

14:31.61
Vance 😈
and And again, I do think that you can have relationships where that is the case, but that does not...

14:31.83
Nandi K
Yeah. Right.

14:37.39
Vance 😈
Well, you're just getting your nut off, but that does not mean you have to treat the person like less than or like not consider their feelings or like care about them.

14:45.18
Nandi K
Right.

14:45.40
Vance 😈
And if you're ever in ah in a cycle where that's happening, maybe like remove yourself from that and figure out why that is and maybe change it if you want to. If you don't want to, do what you want. But... um But yeah, with that being said, I'm trying to move towards the practice of a like treating my romantic partners and my friends kind of the same. And then like you know we just see what happens.

15:06.04
Vance 😈
And then again, every relationship is different. So once you actually get to that point with the other person, you just negotiate what the relationship looks like.

15:12.09
Nandi K
Exactly, like what do we want from this? Exactly. yeah I think for me it's kind of similar. like When I really thought about, when I started like reading about polyamory, because of course this evil person sent me like articles and stuff. courses They were one of those types. oh The niggas who can read are the worst.

15:36.12
Nandi K
That's why I used to like the illiterate ones.

15:36.45
Aaron Rand Freeman
hahahaha

15:38.78
Nandi K
The illiterate ones are dangerous. But...

15:40.81
Vance 😈
I still like the illiterate ones.

15:43.38
Nandi K
yeah

15:43.77
Vance 😈
They be having guns. No, I'm kidding.

15:45.90
Nandi K
That's the kind of men I like. And this person, I guess, is a man. So, yeah, technically it's man. Yeah, they are a man. So, um yeah. so I think for me what I thought about was, oh, I have a lot of best friends.

16:02.84
Nandi K
And when my friends have other friends, I don't feel upset or angry Especially because that's like an expected part. Like you don't think you're your friend's only friend.

16:18.58
Nandi K
And that really was like a really radical thing to me of like, oh, I don't feel like this kind of certain level of possessiveness over my friends.

16:30.30
Nandi K
Whether or not I feel jealousy, that's a different thing. But possessiveness, I don't feel like possessive. over my friends and I was like, oh, that's an interesting kind of thing to think about. and then Just like how the the the best ship is friendship.

16:49.69
Nandi K
But like the the best the like foundation of any like good relationship, of close, connected relationship is friendship. And so I want to be friends with someone before I'm romantically involved with them.

16:59.72
Vance 😈
Right Right

17:05.49
Nandi K
I want to know what kind of person they are so that I don't end up having that kind of like...

17:08.48
Vance 😈
Mm-hmm

17:12.22
Nandi K
before like my current relationship it was just like every three months it was just like a relationship was expiring and I think Dating is what it is, right?

17:23.41
Nandi K
Dating is fun, but I wasn't like just dating. It was like getting into a relationship for three months, not just like having fun dating.

17:30.49
Vance 😈
Mm-hmm. Right. Mm-hmm.

17:33.76
Nandi K
That was the monogamy of it all, right?

17:34.17
Vance 😈
but

17:36.16
Nandi K
like And so when I stopped doing that, I was just saying, I don't date no more. I'm not like really interested in dating. I'm only interested in like ah deepening connections and like having new connections with people who I already know, love and trust.

17:55.58
Nandi K
And yeah, like friendship is like my main, like that's my guiding light for like my non-monogamous, like polypolitic or whatever is. I like to call it polyam politics.

18:07.90
Vance 😈
No, and I mean, I think, um I mean, I think that is a through line here for at least both of us. I think it's important because like if you don't have a relationship that's like the foundation is like mutual respect, like you can't go nowhere from there.

18:12.33
Nandi K
Mm-hmm.

18:19.03
Nandi K
Hey.

18:19.13
Vance 😈
um

18:19.41
Nandi K
Mm-hmm.

18:20.02
Vance 😈
Trust, like trust, you got to build trust. Got it, right? You can't just like, I mean, I think you got a baseline level of trust, but like you got to build that. But like mutual respect, if you ain't got that, then what are we doing?

18:27.58
Nandi K
Yeah.

18:31.12
Nandi K
Mm. Right.

18:32.06
Vance 😈
And. And I do think that like the apps are dehumanizing and all that other stuff.

18:36.76
Nandi K
Yeah.

18:37.23
Vance 😈
So I think that like, yeah, like you said, like, I mean, I think some of the best, some of the best relationships are most fulfilling relationships I have that are on the romantic side or like I met through other friends. So there's like a pre-vetting thing that happens.

18:49.30
Vance 😈
So then you kind of like, are like okay, they're cool. At least they'll be vouched off on by this person that I already trust.

18:52.73
Nandi K
Sure, yeah.

18:55.29
Vance 😈
And then you go from there. But yeah. Um, uh,

18:59.42
Nandi K
Yeah, no, that's real. Well, let's talk about ah why it's radical to be. and we talk about this a lot on this podcast, but like the village.

19:10.85
Nandi K
Y'all, how do you become the village if it's only about you and your nuclear family?

19:11.13
Vance 😈
yeah you You don't. You don't.

19:20.15
Nandi K
That's not the village, y'all.

19:20.15
Vance 😈
you know

19:21.63
Nandi K
Y'all are burned out. You're tired. You're broken down and tired. Mm.

19:28.54
Vance 😈
you You don't.

19:28.90
Nandi K
Mm.

19:29.66
Vance 😈
You don't. And I mean, but the thing is, I do think that like, I mean, I see people that are like, you know, they they're monogamous and they kind of, they do have the village and like, you know, it looks away.

19:30.65
Nandi K
Yeah.

19:40.22
Vance 😈
I just think the thing is hiar ah hierarchical.

19:43.43
Nandi K
Mm-hmm.

19:44.22
Vance 😈
but ah But with that being said, I think like, again, as queer folks, I think that like, there's a...

19:44.57
Nandi K
Sure.

19:51.42
Vance 😈
we already outside of the the paradigm. So I think that I think it just kind of is natural for us to be like, yo, we don't have to do this, not all of us, but we don't have to do this.

19:59.43
Nandi K
Mm-hmm.

20:00.58
Vance 😈
So as I said before, on this very podcast, like, I think like, what does you want? You got to create relationships that work for you. So like, if that is outside of the norm, I think that that's okay.

20:08.60
Nandi K
Yeah.

20:13.21
Vance 😈
As long as everybody is like, you know, nobody's being hurt or disrespected or whatever.

20:19.03
Nandi K
Yeah, and that goes to like, you know me, my dream is that I buy a farm. We all build tiny houses on that farm.

20:26.01
Vance 😈
Mm-hmm.

20:28.76
Nandi K
We have community dinners, so you only have have to cook dinner once a week and you cook it for all of us. And we like grow our own food and we all help out. That's my dream.

20:40.57
Nandi K
We have to grow our own food.

20:41.05
Vance 😈
Sign me up. I mean, sign me up. And I mean...

20:43.90
Nandi K
Yeah, like, you know, this is like my dream. And so there are places like this and they wouldn't be like my husband. Ew I would never have a husband.

20:53.11
Vance 😈
okay

20:53.78
Nandi K
ah ah Let me never say never. might! anyways, if if if we show up, marry everybody, mind their business

21:04.70
Vance 😈
I think they're going to be like, we know, we knew, we knew that we knew the Vance and Nandi were going

21:06.81
Nandi K
Yeah, yeah, for sure. If we show up, married, I might, Vance is the only husband I would ever have. The only one. But, like, these are different types of ways to live with each other.

21:16.06
Vance 😈
I need these benefits.

21:21.46
Nandi K
um You don't have to just buy a house with your spouse. You can buy a house with your best friend. You can buy a house with three of your best friends.

21:30.94
Vance 😈
Yeah.

21:31.48
Nandi K
Buy a four-bedroom house, four-bathroom house with three of your best friends. Split it. That's great. Buy an apartment. All those ways are also valid. And just a reminder that the nuclear family is a capitalist scam that was just made to like sell people more shit.

21:50.29
Vance 😈
Right. Because if y'all all got to have a car and a house and a dog and a whatever, then it's more shit paid for. Whereas opposed... Or like you were just saying that we buy an apartment complex, everyone's taking care of each other.

22:03.26
Nandi K
Mm-hmm.

22:03.40
Vance 😈
Because, I mean, at the end of the day, like, I think niggas just want to be able to exist, right? So, like, if...

22:08.06
Nandi K
Yes.

22:10.36
Vance 😈
Having friends or whatever it like in your orbit that are helping you like take care of each other, like I think that's what that's what I would like. um I got a friend right now.

22:22.06
Vance 😈
like we we We operate like a married couple. Like, yo, I need the car whatever.

22:27.29
Nandi K
Sure.

22:28.85
Vance 😈
Like, hey, come do this.

22:29.60
Nandi K
Screaming.

22:30.17
Vance 😈
And it's helpful. like it is helpful you know and It's And it's notts it's not romantic, but like it often feels romantic because it's like, nigga, I need help.

22:31.83
Nandi K
It's great. It's great. Yeah.

22:39.22
Nandi K
That's a romantic to me. I'm like, but this is what the thing, and the whole thing about like how romance also itself is not reserved for just quote unquote romantic relationships.

22:40.79
Vance 😈
I mean, it is

22:54.58
Nandi K
Because I'm always being like, Hey, what y'all doing?

22:54.90
Vance 😈
Well, yeah.

22:57.96
Nandi K
Fine asses.

23:02.33
Vance 😈
but Open invitation, always.

23:04.15
Nandi K
Always. Always. Yeah. um What do people get wrong about non-monogamy? We're rounding the corner here.

23:14.81
Vance 😈
Oh, okay. I think, I don't know.

23:16.86
Nandi K
Yeah.

23:20.23
Vance 😈
I think that the idea that it's just like, oh, you're just selfish and you want to fuck as many people as you can and that, you know, it has nothing to do with like, ah but I also think they think that monogamy is a default.

23:32.11
Vance 😈
So like you, you saying that like you want a different type of relationship, like you must be trying to do something shady, like, like fuck as many people as you want or something like that. I'm like, I don't,

23:44.06
Vance 😈
Like monogamy monogamy is kind of new in a itself as well. Like that's a capitalist, like it's a construction as well. So like one type of way one type of way to be in a relationship is not your way.

23:55.93
Vance 😈
And that's okay.

23:56.12
Nandi K
Right Yeah I think I would second that Non-monogamy is I think I was seeing somebody say Recently people think that A throuple is non-monogamy 101 Where actually a thruple is like non-monogamy 501 like first of all where are you even getting a thruple and i can't wait to talk about uh some of our media examples uh because fictional but yeah people think that you're just having sex all the time and i feel like really you're having a lot of conversations all the time it's a lot of talking

24:34.13
Vance 😈
Communicating. Yeah.

24:38.26
Nandi K
It's a lot of making sure everybody feels okay. And if not, can they sit with that? And if not, okay, then what can we do? What kind of compromise can we come to?

24:51.32
Nandi K
Or is it something you just need to deal with? Is it like, it's a lot of talking, a lot of schedule sharing, lot of negotiating times.

24:58.53
Vance 😈
Mm-hmm.

25:01.18
Vance 😈
I think the girls barely had the fortitude for that was themselves. So like, you know, yeah.

25:06.84
Nandi K
I myself, me.

25:08.46
Vance 😈
Right. So that when it's like two people or three people or whatever, it's just like, yeah, yeah. And also I think monogamy, like the crux of monogamy, a lot of it is like gender war bullshit.

25:19.64
Vance 😈
So a lot of it relies on y'all not communicating. It just like people vibing it out and just kind of, Oh, it's trash.

25:22.90
Nandi K
Yeah. I hate that. You know, that's my least favorite trope.

25:27.68
Vance 😈
Yeah. And I think that's the commercial version of it.

25:28.50
Nandi K
Like, mm-hmm.

25:30.40
Vance 😈
But I think that is what a lot of people like.

25:32.95
Nandi K
Oh, yeah.

25:33.30
Vance 😈
That's how they conduct themselves within monogamy.

25:34.30
Nandi K
Oh, yeah. There's a lot of people thriving on not communicating and then being like, I don't understand why this is happening. And I really like that, like, being non-monogamous is, like, negotiation, like, constantly or, like, communication and a lot of times negotiation because it's like, hey, this is what I'm thinking about this. Because for me...

26:00.93
Nandi K
I'm not going to have, like, I don't even know if I could see myself having another, like, partner how I am partnered with Shaun like a nesting partner I live with I don't know if that's meant for me I yeah I don't know if I could see myself like in the future having like another partner like that i more think of it as like me and my friends some of my friends we fuck sometimes go on vacations together

26:11.65
Vance 😈
Mm-hmm.

26:35.03
Nandi K
And yeah, I think of it more like that that. I think of it more as adding a physical or adding a sexual element to a relationship we already have than like us becoming partners.

26:46.92
Vance 😈
Yeah.

26:49.24
Nandi K
Because I already think of my friends as partners in a lot of ways.

26:51.99
Vance 😈
Right. And I mean, I think I think for me, it's not it's not always that the physical part, of the sexual part, but it is the idea that, like, yeah, your friends are your partners.

26:59.40
Nandi K
Mm-hmm.

27:03.45
Vance 😈
Like y'all, y'all are my chosen partners in life, just like a romantic, you know, person would be.

27:03.70
Nandi K
Yes.

27:06.58
Nandi K
Yeah. Yeah, no.

27:08.85
Vance 😈
And also this idea that, like, if a if I were to get in a relationship, that automatically becomes the most important thing in my life or most important relationship. That don't make sense to me.

27:19.67
Nandi K
Yeah, that's wild to me because they've been, so we're saying this new person, to me, that's the wild part.

27:19.73
Vance 😈
I'm like, bitch, I I've

27:24.38
Vance 😈
Yeah, you're new

27:26.46
Nandi K
You're new. Why would you unseat these people over here who I know for sure, for sure I can rely on, who have proven it to me time and time again?

27:27.65
Vance 😈
You're new.

27:35.00
Vance 😈
Tried and true.

27:36.58
Nandi K
Yeah, tried and true. Yeah, I always think that's so wild. Okay, we got them. we are really

27:43.16
Vance 😈
Right, right, right.

27:43.48
Nandi K
We are over time, but we're going to push through polyamory and media.

27:45.95
Vance 😈
Blue. Okay.

27:49.14
Nandi K
I've been back on my reading game.

27:49.21
Vance 😈
okay

27:51.90
Nandi K
I'm reading my fifth book this year, fifth and sixth book this year already.

27:54.52
Vance 😈
Damn. Damn. Okay.

27:56.30
Nandi K
And I want y'all to know it's still January, baby. And I'm on my fifth and sixth book.

28:00.68
Vance 😈
I'm on number two. I'm only on number two.

28:02.33
Nandi K
Yeah, I'm flying through them this year, but I've been reading more smut, which is one of my goals.

28:02.44
Vance 😈
I've been slacking.

28:07.65
Nandi K
And I've been reading this, finished up this black smut series. It's called, it's like a Winston Hills novel series by C.M. Barnes. The first one is called Enigma. And it's just these sexy black rich couples who go to therapy and they have troubles in life.

28:26.68
Nandi K
But they're rich and they're stable and they go to therapy so everything works out and they fuck and they go to this like really hot sex club called Provocateur. And they're all hot and they all like each other.

28:39.16
Nandi K
the couples like each other. And I've just really been liking that. It's obviously fake because me and my boo are like, where do we find these people? And I'm like, now you know this is a book, boo.

28:51.42
Vance 😈
thank you

28:51.90
Nandi K
Don't get excited.

28:51.96
Aaron Rand Freeman
Thank you.

28:55.38
Nandi K
Don't get excited. And then, of course, bad example. the She's Gotta Have It reboot.

28:59.96
Vance 😈
Wait, she's got to have it?

29:01.64
Nandi K
Yeah.

29:03.05
Nandi K
Hateful.

29:04.09
Vance 😈
I heard... i didn't watch the whole thing. I watched the beginning. And it was, ah I think...

29:07.16
Nandi K
and Okay. Hateful.

29:08.33
Vance 😈
um What's his name? ah You know how...

29:11.72
Nandi K
Spike Lee.

29:12.23
Vance 😈
Spike Lee. Spike Lee writing woman does... Feels criminal.

29:15.38
Nandi K
He doesn't like women.

29:15.47
Vance 😈
But... um the ah The author of one of the lower...

29:16.70
Nandi K
Yeah.

29:20.49
Vance 😈
One of these things that's lower on the list talked about it on a podcast. She said it was a good example. So, there's that. um

29:27.48
Nandi K
Interesting.

29:27.58
Vance 😈
But she's got to have it.

29:28.09
Nandi K
Mm-hmm.

29:29.26
Vance 😈
up I said big love...

29:31.42
Nandi K
here

29:32.38
Vance 😈
Um, Sister Wives, is that?

29:34.36
Nandi K
I was saying these are also kind of bad, except for one episode of ah Finding Brother Husband, where there's a black woman She has this school called the Progressive Love Academy. I already followed them on Instagram. Anyway, she's married to one man, and then she has her other husband. He was like, I want us to have a wedding ceremony to get like spiritually married. At first, she was like, why we got to do all that? Why are you trying to ruin a good thing?

30:00.89
Nandi K
um Anyway, it was great because it was really funny. But I loved her. I love black people who are non-monogamous.

30:09.69
Vance 😈
Yeah. um I like also when they're with other black people. I feel like that's not highly represented. There's always...

30:15.41
Nandi K
Mm-hmm. I agree.

30:17.19
Vance 😈
There's always an ugly...

30:19.35
Nandi K
Yeah. Oof.

30:20.70
Vance 😈
Non-black partner somewhere lurking.

30:21.14
Nandi K
Yeah, man. You sent me a picture. I'm recalling a certain text exchange we had. ah my goodness.

30:29.27
Vance 😈
um said, look, y'all poly, why is there always like... Why is it always an incomplete set? Like, I feel like the only hot poly...

30:35.38
Nandi K
But I'm like, but meanwhile, me me and my boo, Aaron and their boo, we all exist.

30:36.86
Vance 😈
poly

30:40.09
Vance 😈
No, that's what I'm going to The only the only hot the hot ones are the black ones I know.

30:43.48
Nandi K
Yeah.

30:45.70
Vance 😈
But like...

30:45.75
Nandi K
Literally, i told I was telling my boo about that. I was like, yeah, i was like, ah Vance said that the only hot polyamorous couples I know are my friends.

30:56.06
Nandi K
And I was like, yeah.

30:56.60
Vance 😈
They are hot and and black and black, right?

30:58.81
Nandi K
Sure.

30:59.70
Vance 😈
The other ones, I'm like, it's always an ugly odd looking white person in there.

31:00.12
Nandi K
That's true. Yeah.

31:05.86
Nandi K
Yikes.

31:06.69
Vance 😈
Why his up? Sorry.

31:09.56
Nandi K
Alright, we have some resources for the girls, Vance.

31:13.50
Vance 😈
ah the The Bible I'll put this because I feel like I don't i don't hear conversations about polyamory Without hearing about this The Ethical Slut By Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy um More Than Two by Eve Rickert and Franklin Vo

31:23.18
Nandi K
course. A banger.

31:30.01
Nandi K
Even though apparently they have some allegation. The husband, Franklin, you know how the minze be.

31:38.42
Vance 😈
Yeah Yeah

31:38.87
Nandi K
They have some allegations.

31:41.56
Vance 😈
ah The one I just read was the non-monogamy playbook by Ruby Rare. um ah I'm reading it.

31:46.01
Nandi K
Okay.

31:47.52
Vance 😈
I'm almost done. But she was the one that said that Nola Darling was a good character in that new show. but So, you know, neither here nor there. But the book is good.

31:54.87
Nandi K
It's not about whether Nola Darling is a good show. It's about the overall portrayal ah portrayal of non-monogamy that I had a problem with.

31:59.52
Vance 😈
Representation.

32:04.59
Nandi K
yeah

32:05.53
Vance 😈
heard but yeah um the book the book has been good it's very um it feels accessible and it is um they really make it a good point that like polyamory is not a fix to your relationship it's also not superior to monogamy and either or it is just a different framework for how to be in a relationship with other people and i'm like yeah that's it

32:19.67
Nandi K
here

32:22.42
Nandi K
Way to do it.

32:25.91
Nandi K
Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah. A lot of people are polyamorous. if they have If you have balanced relationships with your romantic partner and your deep friendships, you could probably be polyamorous. If you have friends, you could be polyamorous.

32:45.05
Vance 😈
and And I hold that. That's what I hold about it, right?

32:47.22
Nandi K
Yeah.

32:47.33
Vance 😈
Like, I'm not even saying I want to be in a relationship with multiple people, but I'm like, yeah.

32:50.49
Nandi K
Yeah, exactly. That's what really what I'm definitely not saying that it takes two years to be friends with me. So like, it's like, I'm not out here.

32:55.74
Vance 😈
Yeah.

32:57.97
Nandi K
You know, one thing I also do want to highlight as we wrap up is that one of the main things I love about non-monogamy, relationship anarchy, just all these things is that you belong to yourself first.

33:12.85
Nandi K
So like one thing people say is like, I don't like to share. Well, I don't belong to you. I belong to myself and I'm sharing myself with you. And if I want to share myself with other people, that's a decision that I can make. There's precautions that we might have to take around health and all that kind of stuff, which we can do. But you don't actually get to say because I decide who I share myself with. And I think that's one of the most empowering things for me.

33:39.77
Nandi K
about non-monogamy is that like I belong to myself and that's it I don't belong to anybody else only myself and I'm sharing myself with everyone else I think that's really beautiful

33:44.58
Vance 😈
Nah, fuck with that.

33:51.93
Vance 😈
Yeah, i'll fuck with that. Because um I feel like, yeah, anytime anybody's anti, it's so possessive. And it's so like, I'm crazy. I'm like, what does that mean? Like, you're going to hurt somebody?

34:00.68
Aaron Rand Freeman
hahaha

34:02.41
Vance 😈
And I mean, that is what they're saying. Yeah, they're just like, oh

34:04.28
Nandi K
yeah no they are saying that

34:06.07
Vance 😈
Okay, well, have um fun with that.

34:06.99
Nandi K
They're very violent about it. Not me. I'm not fighting over nobody. It's like, hey, boo, if you want to go, I'll be sad for sure, but you can go. I'll get over it. I got a therapist.

34:20.41
Nandi K
Well, I think we did it.

34:22.04
Vance 😈
thank you Well, yeah, I think this was the longest episode.

34:23.38
Nandi K
This is a long one. I feel like we might need to cut it, low-key.

34:27.23
Vance 😈
Yeah, maybe. um i feel like we could cut. we could definitely cut some stuff. but anyway, big thanks to our producer and audio Adonis, Aaron Rand Freeman.

34:31.58
Nandi K
I agree. I agree.

34:37.46
Vance 😈
I've been Vance Gowe. You can find me on Instagram at Sir*beep* a Thawt. And you can also find me on TikTok at VanceGoIsAlive or something like that. You know, just just do the look.

34:46.39
Nandi K
That is not it, but yes, we are We are.

34:47.26
Vance 😈
Even though we're deleting TikTok anyway, but go ahead. Hey, who are you?

34:51.68
Nandi K
I'm deleting my profile on Friday, and I'm Nandi Kay. You can find me on Instagram, threads, and blue sky at Nandi Kay-A-Y-Y-Y.

35:02.81
Nandi K
See y'all next time. Bye.