All right.

Joint legal decision making sounds fair.

Until it traps you, literally traps you.

What joint decision making is,

is both parties have to come

together to make a decision.

Now, at first, again, when we are behind

the compass and not really understanding

it, how to navigate this divorce,

we're just starting to figure it out.

We hear joint and we think, awesome.

We think this is great for us.

This is a good decision.

This is fair.

This is equal.

It only works when both people cooperate,

which if you are in high conflict

or going to be in high conflict,

cooperating is not anywhere close to

where you are at or going to have.

And so then there comes in control.

So what is joint really?

Either party can actually veto a

decision because you have to agree.

So it's going to say, and we're gonna

get into the clauses that both parties

have to come together really agree.

So joint essentially says

you have to come together.

And if you don't, that's a veto power.

And in the paperwork it says that to move

forward you have to come to an agreement.

It's not a suggestion,

it's a, you have to.

So then we have where silence or a

delay in response or just giving no

consent comes into the veto power.

Any major decision for your child

and what most plans don't define

is what is a joint decision.

Now, again, we're gonna go into some

actual clauses here in one second,

but just think about that real quick.

We're getting divorced and we want

joint, or we've been told that joint

is the only thing on the table.

What that essentially is going to

mean is that every major decision.

Has to be together.

But what is a major decision is

the daily stuff I do with my kids.

Is that enough for me to

just make the call on?

And I know if you're listening,

you're probably like, Sam, just

use your judgment if you are

divorcing somebody of high conflict.

My judgment went out the

window when I said divorce.

My high conflict X won't

let me have a judgment.

They think I'm dumb and will

talk down to me as if I should be

doing everything that they say.

So in a matter of speaking, you

need to understand that when it

says joint high conflict, people

are going to try to run the show.

When it's convenient for them, it's a yes.

And when it's inconvenient

for them, it's a no.

Every issue becomes a fight.

And so when I break it down in the

services that I provide for my clients,

I break down a list of what is a daily

decision and what is a joint decision.

That is a major decision.

Meaning what do we have to talk about and

what can I just get away with on my own?

And when you don't have that

distinction, there's problems.

But let's break down some

clauses, joint authority.

If you have this clause in your

parenting plan, run, do not sign.

Again, not legal advice, just a

heavy suggestion from a veteran.

The party shall share.

Here's that shower again, shall share

joint legal decision making authority

with respect to here's the broad

terms, people, people, education,

medical care, mental health treatments,

and extracurricular activities.

I'm sorry, could we go into

some more detail please?

Required agreement could say something

like this, neither party shall make a

unilateral decision regarding major issues

affecting the minor child without the

consent of the other party affecting,

well, maybe I think it affects the

child, but they don't think it affects

the child, not emergency limits.

All non-emergency medical, psychological,

or therapeutic care shall require

the mutual agreement of both parties.

So let's break these down because

that's what we're here to do today.

First off, the first one, joint Authority.

This one says, we shall share in

joint legal decision making of

the following, but on when it says

education, does it talk about all

the subcategories under education?

So everything from that school district,

we have to jointly agree upon as a veteran

mom who's done this for many decades

with a high conflict X, you better hope

not because that's every discussion.

And everything that comes off that

table or outta that book bag or from

that email has to be a discussion with

your high conflict ex who not only

hates you, but wants to ruin your life.

So be thinking about all those

medical things, and this is

what's really hard for you.

young parents who have young

children, you know, the toddlers

you don't really know yet.

Now my kids are grown.

They're, the adults and I restarting

with my second family of little boys, so

I'm going through all this educational

stuff again, so it's all fresh.

But there's so many little

things that you think, yeah, I

can sign that field trip form.

Yeah, I can sign them up for hot lunch.

Yeah, I can put them in a little program.

I don't know.

Can you, it all depends on

what your parenting plan says.

Medical care.

Let's really think about that.

Can I take my kid for the sniffles

now that it's flu and cold season,

or do I have to have permission?

Am I doing vaccinations, am I not?

Again, some of these are very obvious

what is major, but what if I just feel

like I wanna give a little Tylenol or

some Motrin for a little headache or some

aches and pains, or maybe they went to

the dentist and they have a toothache.

Am I allowed to do that?

It depends on what your

parenting plan says.

So when you just have a vague statement

like, Hey, we both have to agree

on their mental health treatment.

Does that mean just therapy?

Does that mean a big

brother, big sister program?

Does that mean hey, I can let

them talk to the person at school

that offers it free for everybody.

Extracurriculars, I'm just gonna

tell you now, is one of the biggest

arguments known to man right next

to therapy and money for divorcees.

Do we put the child in this?

Do we not put the child in this?

And when it says just extracurricular,

and that's all it says, guys, that's

all it's, it's a one sentence wonder.

I wonder what it means when it

just says, just extracurricular.

Are we talking about a

tap class on a Tuesday?

That's just my, my Tuesday's the

only day that I have her and, and

I wanna put her in a tap class.

Does it mean the travel sport

that is 11 months out of the year

and costs thousands of dollars?

I think there's a big difference between a

Tuesday night tap class cost me $25 versus

a travel sport that cost me $20,000.

Which one are we having to jointly

agree and I'm, just gonna say this

now, if you're somebody listening to

this and you're like, Sam, both, we

are not the same and we're not dealing

with the same type of evil this podcast

is for high conflict environments.

Everything I just mentioned on here is

a fight with high conflict people, and

it sounds so basic, a field trip form.

I'm telling you right now, for those

of you that know what I'm talking

about, just Laugh at this now.

Right?

The first time you signed a field trip

form and sent it back and they found out.

How fast did you get that phone

call emailed, text or threat?

Was it the day of the field trip?

Was it the next morning?

And on on an email with

the teacher also on it.

How dare you sign a field trip form?

Okay.

Our kids in fourth grade,

we've been signing them.

Whoever gets to it first, I got to it.

It's not like we're not gonna

let the kid go on the field trip.

We've always let them go on a field

trip, but just because I gave permission

and signed and sent the $4, now

I'm the worst parent in the world.

For those of you that don't

understand this, just get ready.

I would rather you be sitting there and be

overly prepared and be ready for this shit

than to be blindsided like a lot of us.

When that happened and

you're like, is this a joke?

Am I getting punked?

Are you really upset about a signature on

a field trip form and the fourth grade,

I've been signing 'em for four years, and

the answer is yes, they are that upset.

Required agreement.

Let's go over this one again.

Unilateral decision, meaning you can't

make a decision without the other one's

permission, but it doesn't say over

what the major or the minor, but it does

say if it's issues affecting the child.

Is getting your ears

pierced, affecting the child?

I don't know.

It's it's a decision at your house.

It may be a yes at this

house, it may be a no.

Do you see why there needs

to be distinction in detail?

So you have to make sure when you

read these sentences, you don't read

them with your rose colored glasses,

and you go, oh, see right there,

nobody can make a decision without me.

Reverse that.

You can't make a decision without them.

They will say no over the

dumbest, silliest, you've

been doing it for years stuff.

But if they can tie it into it

affects the child, they can say no

to it, which is the veto power with

joint, this non emergent limit.

You know, you may think like,

okay, if it's not an emergency,

I have to get permission.

That's what this is saying.

So you can't go get your kid

help and I'm sorry if you're

dealing with high conflict.

The ugly truth of it is you are

going to need your child to have

some other person to talk to

besides you and your high conflict.

X. Your child needs to have a third

party listening, validating, empathizing,

being a support staff person.

It can't just be all you all the

time and your high conflict acts.

Oh, that's a hell no.

So the details matter in joint that

you protect your piece of making it

so crystal clear, taking the time.

My masterclass goes through every

detail possible that you need to know

what is the difference between minor

and major and let's build that list.

Let's build that list so

that I can clearly go, okay.

A decision has come up.

Let's see, is it a minor

And I have the, go ahead.

'cause I can make unilateral decisions

over here for minor, or is it a major?

And I do have to ask permission.

I wanna know the difference because

if I don't, the only thing I have

left to do is to work with my ex.

Ugh.

Or call my attorney.

Cha ching.

Cha ching.

So I don't wanna do either

one of those things.

So why Note, I don't know, Larry, we

write the best damn plan we can to

eliminate any kind of possibility of

having to question when do we have

to work together and when do we not?

To me, this sounds so fucking simple.

When do I have to work with

them and when do I not not leave

it up for this vague bullshit.

All educational shit, all medical stuff,

all health treatment, all extracurricular.

They forgot one on this one.

All religious stuff.

So if I wanna take my kids to the

Christmas lights, singing songs at

my church, I have to ask permission.

'cause it's religious because it just

says religious is a major decision.

Religion is a major.

That's all it says.

So by me taking my kid into church,

did I violate the order because I

unilaterally made that decision?

And I'm telling you right now, I

have clients whose exes that's a yes.

They don't want them going

to that church or temple.

They're against that church.

They're against that temple.

They don't like that one, heaven forbid.

No, you can't go to that one.

But they have joint, so

they have veto power.

So now you can't take your kid to

a church you grew up at and you

move back home because your ex says

no, because they don't like that.

It's in your hometown.

We have to be careful when we're

signing these things that we're

allowing all of this vague wording.

To paralyze us into, we get to do nothing.

We get to do nothing.

Everybody thinks join is great.

I don't.

I absolutely don't.

I think it's horrible.

I think it's a money pit.

I think it's an emotionally

and psychologically draining on

one, if not both parents, but

definitely your fucking kids.

I think joint is a cop out.

I think judges have totally

escaped responsibility of

making the choice on who is.

Good and who is bad.

So I can't fathom anybody that would read

that sentence and say, both parties must

agree on all major decisions regarding

medical, educational, extracurricular,

religion, and be like, yeah, sounds good.

But we sign it because we don't

understand what that means yet.

'cause we haven't used it yet.

We're signing and agreeing that,

yeah, that sounds like a good

plan, but we haven't used it yet.

That's where I want you to understand

what joint in your paperwork.

You gotta make sure you are well

versed and educated about what

does it mean for you and your state

where you're located to make sure

that you can make those decisions.

I'm gonna take it a step further,

and this is what the parenting plan

that we custom build for people does.

We go ahead and make all of those

decisions because we know the

world is stuck on joint right now,

and hopefully it goes back to one

parent being the decision maker.

The world is stuck on joint.

So if joint is something that's

in your future, consider us

building your parenting plan.

'cause here's why.

We go through and make the decision

about all the We talk about vaccinations,

we talk about the field trips, we

talk about medical treatment, we talk

about therapy, we talk about braces,

we talk about glasses because why?

I would rather there be a

decision now in writing on paper.

I know I have a 1-year-old, I'm

gonna plan out their whole life.

The last thing I wanna do though, if

I don't plan it out, is work with my

attorney for the next 18 years, or

work with my ex for the next 18 years.

So that's what I wanna do.

Now, again, if you don't have joint in

your agreement and you for sure think that

you're gonna get sole decision making, go

buy 10 lottery tickets and pass 'em out.

' cause you're lucky.

But where the world is, a lot of

people are getting stuck in joint.

So what would I do instead of joint?

First off, I would narrow down

specifically what is joint.

Okay.

I would have a clear

definition of major and minor.

Clearly.

I would also have in there

what happens if we do disagree?

What happens?

Are we paralyzed and just nothing

happens, and it's a constant veto, a

constant, you get to say no, and I have

to just suck it up and deal with it.

Or is there steps, meaning

maybe somebody's tiebreaker.

Love that.

I love that.

I would rather even, this is like a

bizarre, I'm spit balling ideas here.

I, this is what I'd rather have than

you spend fucking an asshole of money

in court every fucking two months

going back over a major decision.

I would rather somebody be

tiebreaker in odd years and

somebody else be in even years.

I'd rather somebody be

education decision tiebreaker.

Extracurricular tiebreaker.

Then the other person

gets medical and religion.

Split up the four categories

again, we have education,

extracurricular, medical, and religion.

There's four.

You get two.

I get two tiebreaker.

If we ever get to a crossroads

where we can't agree, you get the

decision and I'm good with that.

I would rather have them

make a bad decision outside

of medical and just fuck it.

It it, it's a decision at

least versus this limbo of

like, let's go back to court.

Let's drop down a car payment on just

hiring and, and just spending all

this money over decisions that could

have been made so many fucking months

and years ago in the divorce process,

but we were blind and deaf because

maybe you weren't following me yet.

Now, I'm not gonna lie,

attorneys hate my guts.

Larry's all over the world come for

me daily and, and I'm good with it.

I'm rattling the cage.

I wanna educate you guys

on what it is your signing,

'cause this is your paperwork.

When I got my four pages in the early two

thousands, again, I thought it was liquid

fucking gold till I went and used it.

And then I realized it was

worthless because of the may and

shall and all these fucking words,

like we're talking in tongues.

Just tell me what I'm supposed to

do and what I'm not supposed to do.

Like, can we just write it like that?

So that's how my team does it so like

a third grader can understand it.

I need you to understand

what you sign with.

Joint can paralyze you for years

and keep you in court for years.

So take the time.

Don't let them rush you.

Don't let them go into this whole,

like, Sam, everybody gets joint.

Just sign it.

It's joint.

It's joint.

What does that mean?

When am I having, how and how do we talk?

Okay.

Let's say there is something

you need to bring up.

Is there any language in there

about how to bring this stuff up?

I want you to understand that joint

language gives a power, just inequality.

The power is shifted to whoever just has

no problem being a dick or an asshole

or a bitch and saying no to things

that they know deep down this kid wants

to do or should be doing or needs.

But because you are the one that

brought it up, it's a no, it's a no.

And so when it comes into joint parenting.

The next thing we gotta really

think about is our parenting time.

So in the next episode, we're gonna

dive into parenting time detailed traps

that are written into parenting plans by

Larry's and court systems and mediators

that just get parents to fail left and

right, and lose their children, lose

time with their children, lose the

ability to go on vacations, lose the

ability to go to holidays because the

parenting plan didn't protect them.