When it comes to parenting time, I

think this is one of those in your

parenting plan that you should spend

the most time right next to the joint

section, spending valuable amount of

assets, paying attention to time, paying

attention to asking friends, really

researching this because this essentially

is your make or break with your child.

This is your time with the child.

Is your parenting time.

So this paragraph, hopefully whole

page with a chart, is very explicit,

but I think one of the things

of saying reasonable parenting

time being a clause and a lot of

parenting plans is just garbage.

What isn't about a reasonable time?

I mean, I think reasonable

would be every day, right?

If I'm being, you know, funny, my

co-parent may think, they want every

day, well, now we're not being reasonable

because we both want the same thing.

And so this clause of

reasonable parenting time.

Doesn't help us.

So we're gonna break down the

clauses today along with the

ones that you do not want.

And I'm gonna give you some tips

and tricks on if those clauses

are being forced down your throat

on things that you can change the

wording to and hopefully ask for.

So when it comes to reasonable, I

think what the attorneys and judges

and everybody partaking in the

billion dollar industry is trying

to get us to do is to be flexible.

That sounds fucking great.

Sounds so mature.

Let's all be flexible for our kids.

Let's reduce the conflict and

everybody just kumbaya this shit and

let's work together and be flexible.

But I can't do that when there's no

rules around what am I following?

What are the timeframes

that I have my kids?

There can't be flexibility

here when someone doesn't like

me and doesn't respect me.

So it's an absolute illusion that we are

going to give each other reasonable time

because reasonable is not measurable.

Lemme say it again.

Reasonable is not measurable.

You ask 10 people, how much

time should each parent get?

With a reasonable schedule,

you're gonna get 10, if not

seven, at least different answers.

One parent will end up controlling that

situation because again, it's joint.

We have to come together

on what is reasonable.

Therefore, one parent's gonna rule it.

The other parent is either gonna have

to want, and I know I sound like a

beaten record here, but gonna have

to spend money to go back to court

or let their ex run their life.

That's what happens when

you don't have details.

And this one of all the podcasts I'm

gonna do, I'm just gonna tell you, this

one's the fucking easiest to fix, the

easiest, but let's break down some of

the clauses that I have read in parenting

plans that make me want to throw up.

And if it's in yours.

We need to fix it.

All right.

Reasonable time.

The non-custodial parent shall

have reasonable parenting time

with the minor child, period.

Period.

That's all it says.

That's all it says.

So in this scenario of this quoted

clause, one parent does have dominant

time and the other parent doesn't.

The non-custodial parent possibly.

It just says reasonable parenting time.

What does that mean?

If I say, Hey, let's just

do a heterosexual couple.

I'm Sam, the other parent is Steve.

If I say, Hey, Steve, reasonable

to me would be Wednesday for

dinner, Friday, Saturday, bring

him back on Sunday at five.

That's reasonable to me

because I'm the primary parent.

Steve may say no.

I think reasonable would be Wednesday

and Thursday, and then Friday,

Saturday sleepover on Sunday.

Well, what?

no.

See, the judge said, I

am the dominant parent.

I, I'm the primary parent.

You are the non-custodial parent.

So you get less time than me.

Not clearly defined though in this

sentence that's not clearly defined.

And so now we're talking about

words that don't exist because I

had an interpretation of what I

think reasonable is, and I saw the

words noncustodial parents, so I'm

thinking, okay, I got primary time.

They have minimal time.

Less than me.

So again, this isn't about how you feel.

This is about what does it fucking say?

What are the words that are on the paper?

What does it say?

And right here it says vague,

vague, vague, vague, and more vague.

Bullshit.

This shall have reasonable

parenting time with the minor child.

Reasonable is not measurable as agreed.

Next one, as agreed.

Parenting time shall occur at times and

dates as mutually agreed upon by parties.

I mean, if you can see me right now, I'm

like, oh, parenting time shall occur at

times and dates mutually agreed upon.

Here's the fucking question of the hour.

Why can't we just pick those now

as we are already in the process of

spending thousands, if not hundreds

of thousands of fucking dollars?

Why are we leaving something

that's supposed to be a contract?

The parenting plan is a contract.

Why are we leaving the detail of time

and dates off the table in a contract?

I know why?

Because they want one

of two things to happen.

They wanna call back and by

they, I mean, Larry, the lawyer

wants a callback ring ring.

Larry, we can't come to an agreement on

what time he should pick up on Wednesday.

Oh, hold the phone here, Sam.

Let me call Steve's attorney real quick

and we'll talk to Steve's attorney.

Yeah, I'm gonna have to charge you for

this phone call and I'm gonna have to

Charge you to call to Steve's attorney

and then we're gonna have to charge you

when I call back and give that answer.

Cha ching.

Cha ching.

Just to find out what time we

were supposed to pick the kids

up on Wednesday when this shit

could have been figured out.

Oh fuck.

I don't know.

During the process of fucking

divorce, and again, I'm raising my

voice and I apologize if there's

kids present, probably best

never to listen to me out loud.

Always have earbuds in.

You have to have time and dates

when you don't do time and dates.

It's war.

It's war on who can win the argument.

And you know what happens?

Like look at me right

now, I'm getting heated.

I'm pissed off.

I'm like, I'm sweating

because this was mine.

And what happens is I'm all like

this and I'm texting my ex, or

I'm typing and or I'm calling What

you shouldn't do, which we'll get

into in the communication episode.

But I'm getting all heated, right?

My voice is getting raised.

I'm getting all clammy.

My heart rate is up.

I'm dysregulated.

And you know what?

I still have to do the rest of the night

while I'm arguing with my ex, while

we're having a discussion about what

time to pick up on Wednesday and we can't

come to an agreement and we keep going

back and forth and we keep raising our

voices and we keep sending messages.

You know who's there?

Your kids.

Your kids are sitting there

watching your body language.

They might not hear any messages.

But they can feel you.

They can sense you, they can pick

up on your aura, and that's me being

conservative with my reactions.

How many of you have an ex that is not

conservative with their responses back and

forth between you and talks out loud or

shares said messages with your children?

How dare your other mother or

your mother or your father think

they can talk this way to me.

Can you believe he's trying

to take this time for me?

Can you believe she did

this right to your children?

So this vagueness Larry and every judge

that follows me and every attorney

that follows me does nothing but yes.

Line your pocketbooks back 'cause

I have to call your ass back.

But it also fucks with my kids.

And that's what pisses me off.

And that's why I share what I

share and that's why I'm here.

And that's why I'm just dropping knowledge

left and right to you guys because

this one is so fucking easy to fix.

Tell me when I have 'em, tell me when

I drop 'em off, tell me what days.

Tell me what days I don't have them.

It's super fucking simple.

So you're telling me you spent all that

money at law school, all that money

going to college and you can't write a

basic contract that should have detail.

I put the example of this,

I put Tiger Woods and, Nike.

That may show how old I am, and maybe

I need to come up with a new analogy,

but it's fresh in my head right now.

Do you think Tiger Woods or Nike

Matter would ever allow those two to

have a contract that says, you know,

we want Tiger to do our commercials.

know, he can wear as many

shirts as he wants every year.

He can wear whatever color and hell,

like, he can show up when he wants.

Then tiger on the other

end's, like, you know what?

Let 'em pay me how they see fit

as long as we mutually agree.

Do you think that contract would read like

that between Nike and Tiger Woods back in

the day when he was the prime at his time?

Fuck no, because it's a contract

and that's what you're signing.

Otherwise, why do we sign it?

Why does a judge sign it?

Why do we notarize it

and why do we file it?

It's just a handshake agreement.

Then let's go to town, boys, let's

leave it vague and we can duke

it out in the parking lot about

what time you pick the kids up.

But I'm getting off the subject.

cause this is infuriating.

'cause this is so fucking simple to fix.

So fucking simple.

Here's the last one that I've seen.

Oh.

The party shall maintain a flexible

parenting time schedule based

on the needs of the children.

Well, when the children are with me,

they need a seven 30 bedtime, but when

they're with my ex, they might not go

to bed at 10 30, so he may think that

he can keep them till 9 30, 10 o'clock.

Do you see how that, putting that

in there, the court system tried to

act all sly and smooth on the best

interests of the minor children.

Just define it, Larry.

Just tell us what time we

start and what time we end.

It's that simple.

But these, these are just three.

I've read thousands of shitty

statements around parenting time.

And parenting time is literally one

of the easiest fucking things to write

down in detail because time is time.

It's Sunday through Saturday.

It's 24 hours account for every

moment of the day and work good.

How do we leave this

up for interpretation?

It's fucking time.

Let's go on.

Holidays and vacation traps that

I read in these parenting plans.

Undefined holidays.

What?

Which, I'll make a whole episode

about that, but leaving the

holiday section, just saying both

parties will alternate holidays.

Okay.

What holidays are we really low on?

Ink on our HP printer that we can't

fucking take a moment to actually

put some detail down about what

fucking holidays is there that many.

Are we doing federal?

Are we doing them all?

Are we doing fucking donut day?

I don't know, but just tell

me so I can plan, right?

Being able to take a vacation

with a high conflict parent.

If your parenting plan is wrote with

these clauses, good luck because

it doesn't say what time you get

your children on a vacation day.

Heaven forbid you have a special

occasion or anything like that, and

you wanna go on a vacation for it.

You have to make sure that you look at

this parenting plan from your glasses,

but put on your ex's glasses because

your ex is reading this thing going okay.

Well, I know she always goes on a

trip with her family over the 4th of

July, so I'm going to fuck her there.

Okay.

It looks like Mother's Day weekend is on

my weekend, so I'm gonna fuck her there.

And that's how they go

through this parenting plan.

And if you don't think

so, then you're new.

Hi, I'm Sam.

I deal with high conflict.

Just you wait, the train will

arrive and pick you up later.

But the other thing is why

not fucking just prepare?

Because here's the deal, and

I know I'm like sweating.

I'm getting so mad.

The deal is this.

I want your parenting plan written

so fucking clearly that your time

is protected with the utmost detail.

And if you and Steve are getting

along and it's rainbows and unicorns

and kumbaya, and you got matching

fucking shirts and you still do fucking

dinners together, great take said

parenting plan, put it on the shelf

and do whatever the fuck you wanna do.

But in that moment of crisis

that you and Steve have.

You can pull that sumo bitch off the

shelf, open it up, crack it open and

say, here's what we're doing Christmas

morning, because it says it in black

and white and we both signed it.

This protects you.

And when Larry's leave it

out, they're just fucking you.

that is the ugliest truth about it.

And I know everybody's like,

why are you gonna cuss so much?

Because this was my life

for 20 years was this shit.

Of presumption and assumption

and oh, I think it says, oh, it

might, oh, shall you owe this?

Oh, that.

And it's like, my

interpretation was not his.

I read it this way.

He read it that way.

I read in black and

white, he read in gray.

And it was constant chaos.

Constant chaos.

So get the detail, because

the other problem is, oh, well

what if we try to swap time?

How do you make up time and swap back?

When it's all reasonable.

Well, we don't even have a set

schedule, so how are we even swapping?

Again, you may have a situation where

you and your ex can be like, Hey, the

work schedule looks like this, this week.

And hey, she's in three sports this

week, so heavy on you this week.

Heavy on me next week.

Great, kumbaya.

Mm, love it.

Go buy some lottery tickets.

Spread 'em around.

But here's the deal.

It's not for everybody.

And eventually mark my words, when

a third party gets involved, meaning

you move on with a third party and

you're happy and successful, and X

moves on and is happy and successful,

you'll become high conflict.

It is a fucking unicorn story

for there to be four parties

involved and everybody be blissful.

And if you're listening, hi.

But this page isn't for you.

This page is for high conflict.

This page is for when someone hates your

guts and wants you not here anymore.

So why do court systems do this?

I think we've covered it.

They love the vagueness because they

think, again, maybe they are dumb

and maybe they presume everybody's

the kumbaya story and maybe they

presume everybody can co-parent.

On the upheaval of personality

disorders and mental health crisis

and nobody dealing with their

childhood trauma, good fucking luck.

That's not everybody.

So we need to have

clarity on my parenting.

It's the one valuable thing you have.

You know, people ask me all the

time, they've asked me for years,

Sam, what's the hills to die on

detail around your parenting time?

' cause if I don't have my kids,

then am I even being a parent?

I can't build a relationship with

my children if I don't have them.

And if it's not clearly defined

of when I have them, then I

can't build a relationship.

Therefore, I will lose my

children because high conflict

people will run the show on that.

I have to make sure that is a

hill I will die on and I don't

let any of my clients mess it up.

I want you to take Sunday through

Saturday, every single minute of

that time span, Sunday to Sunday.

Every single minute, Sunday to Sunday

should be accounted for in that

parenting plan, I should be able

to go, mm, a Tuesday at 2 35 in the

afternoon, boom, look at that parenting

plan and know exactly who that child

is with based on the parenting plan.

I could say the 13th weekend

of 2027, who's the child with?

Boom.

I can account for that

inside that parenting plan.

This isn't rocket science.

I have a master's degree, but that's it.

I figured it out.

I'm a mom who went and got certified,

took a class, and I'm like, I

know more from my experience than

I do the class, but I digress.

I have the class, I

have the certification.

Great.

Glorious, but this is some

common sense bullshit.

Write it down, get it in writing.

But your standard plans will say crap,

like I said before, well, reasonable time.

Well mutually agree.

We ain't doing that.

That is not this.

I'm not training you to do that.

Absolutely not.

So what actually works, start time, end

times, like I said, every single minute.

Accounted for holidays,

every single holiday that you

wanna include account for.

And again, we'll break a whole episode

down into the holidays, but you have

to make sure you are putting that

detail in because Larry wants you to

call him back because I don't know

if you know this, but Larry could

charge extra over the holiday time.

You're having a crisis over Christmas.

Give me a call.

Sam, I just want you to know I'm

working outside of the office

'cause I'm with my family.

I'm gonna have to charge you a little

extra to get this answered for you.

Okay Larry, thanks for that.

Thanks for that.

So as we get through this, I want

you to understand Flexibility

is a failure in conflict.

You can't be flexible with high

conflict people because you crack

that window open just a snitch.

They're like, woo.

Whole window's open.

Let's go.

I'm taking full advantage now.

She cracked it.

That's her fault.

She cracked it.

That's how they think, which is so hard

for those of us that are not like that.

You know, sometimes we're just just

fucking grateful they cracked the window.

I am just grateful that

they gave me an extra hour.

Fuck, where they're like, oh,

you're gonna gimme an hour?

No, I need three.

So I'll bring 'em back

at three instead of noon.

What?

No, no.

I, just gave you till 12.

I didn't give you till three.

Yeah, but I want three.

You already gave an hour.

So what's, a couple more?

that's how high conflict people work.

So if your parenting plan does

not protect you from parents

like that, you're getting fucked.

And I feel like I end

every episode like that.

It's all the more reason to either take

my masterclass or have my parenting plan

be built by us so that you are protected,

because I don't want you ruining the

one thing that's most valuable to you.

The hill that you always die

on is time with your children.

So you need to make sure

that you understand.

Every minute of every day

should be accounted for of when

your child is with someone.

Now, if you have one of these

clauses, like I mentioned

above, that are just garbage.

The next thing we're gonna get into

in the next episode is communication,

which means if you have one of those

clauses, you're most likely roped

into the idea that you are gonna

have to communicate with your ex.

How do we do that?

What does it look like?

What are the rules?

What can I ask for?

How can I get that in my parenting plan?

We're gonna go over the most common

clauses and parenting plans around

communication in the next episode.