<v Speaker 1>You can explain your trauma, but you won't change your behavior.

<v Speaker 1>You have no problem explaining, well, this is because this

<v Speaker 1>happened to me all these different things. It almost becomes

<v Speaker 1>a crutch for you to be the way that you are.

<v Speaker 1>We've had enough about it already. Hey, babe, it's Asia Christina.

<v Speaker 2>This is Quality Queen Control. What is happening? Hello? Hello, Hello,

<v Speaker 2>how is everybody feeling? Okay?

<v Speaker 1>First of all, welcome everyone to Quality Queen Control. I

<v Speaker 1>am your host, Asha Christina Foster.

<v Speaker 2>Guys.

<v Speaker 1>We are still fleshing out actually our setup okay, we

<v Speaker 1>are still working it out. I finally got my mic

<v Speaker 1>that I love, okay, because I did not love the

<v Speaker 1>audio on the last couple episodes. So we're still working

<v Speaker 1>that out. Camera equipment, the whole thing. Got my new

<v Speaker 1>atem in. We were able to set up them, and

<v Speaker 1>I was so excited to film this episode. However, I'm

<v Speaker 1>still excited to film this episode. But just to give

<v Speaker 1>you guys a little rundown, I was so frustrated or

<v Speaker 1>I am frustrated because this mic stand actually belonged to

<v Speaker 1>the previous little mic that I originally purchased, and it

<v Speaker 1>is just not strong enough to hold my shore mic,

<v Speaker 1>but I'm just still happy that the audio will be

<v Speaker 1>a lot more crisp and a lot more cleaner, and

<v Speaker 1>just I love a good crisp sound that really just

<v Speaker 1>embodies my voice the way that it actually sounds. And yeah,

<v Speaker 1>because I just feel like the way that it was

<v Speaker 1>sounding before to me, and the audio when JT sent

<v Speaker 1>it to me was just like it sounded like very

<v Speaker 1>squeaky and high pitch. So I just you have to

<v Speaker 1>have the good equipment and setup, and that's what I

<v Speaker 1>was using prior to our new film setup. So but

<v Speaker 1>then my dad ended up using my other mic. It

<v Speaker 1>doesn't matter, you guys. The point is we're back on schedule,

<v Speaker 1>We're getting it together, and I'm very excited to comment

<v Speaker 1>you guys with a brand new episode. How have we

<v Speaker 1>been liking the two episodes so far? I'm not gonna lie, guys,

<v Speaker 1>if I'm going to keep it one hundred with you.

<v Speaker 1>I am in need of like an intern or something

<v Speaker 1>like that to help me with my podcast Instagram because

<v Speaker 1>I have had, as you guys have seen, some short

<v Speaker 1>form content that I do post on YouTube shorts. But

<v Speaker 1>I am struggling to manage because we do need to

<v Speaker 1>scale the show, and in order for me to scale,

<v Speaker 1>I cannot do the show with such my you know,

<v Speaker 1>limited team, Like I need someone to help me run

<v Speaker 1>the socials. So if you are a fan of the

<v Speaker 1>show and you're someone that's in college, I prefer someone

<v Speaker 1>to be young that's going to be able to do this.

<v Speaker 1>Someone that knows the trends, you know what's going on,

<v Speaker 1>you know how to post, you have an I for

<v Speaker 1>things like that to help me out because of the

<v Speaker 1>fact that you know, obviously the older you get, you

<v Speaker 1>have a lot more responsibilities and obligations, and I think

<v Speaker 1>that I guess, at least in my mind, someone that

<v Speaker 1>has a little bit more of a free schedule would

<v Speaker 1>make the most sense because I don't want to interfere

<v Speaker 1>with someone that has an already busy life because they're

<v Speaker 1>trying to like keep up with utilizing the Instagram and

<v Speaker 1>all the things. So if you feel like you would

<v Speaker 1>be the person for the job, honestly, let me know.

<v Speaker 1>I am willing to risk doing that again, uh, because

<v Speaker 1>I don't feel like I've had the best opinion about

<v Speaker 1>working with people that I already have known a little

<v Speaker 1>bit to like that are maybe fans of me. To

<v Speaker 1>work with me, but I don't know. I do need

<v Speaker 1>the help of someone that's going to be pretty much

<v Speaker 1>helping me run my podcast Instagram because we've been back

<v Speaker 1>with the show for almost a month now and I

<v Speaker 1>have not been able to upload any of the short

<v Speaker 1>form content to the podcast page because it's just been

<v Speaker 1>really difficult between TikTok and my regular Instagram plus my

<v Speaker 1>podcast Instagram, plus my actual filming schedule, answering emails, and

<v Speaker 1>it's just a lot for me to do as one person,

<v Speaker 1>to show up on multiple platforms in real time, like

<v Speaker 1>it's very, very tedious to do. And I just realized

<v Speaker 1>like I actually do need the help because it's actually

<v Speaker 1>driving me nuts. So that is a little update of

<v Speaker 1>what's going on. Also, speaking of TikTok, they sent me

<v Speaker 1>this cute sweater. If you guys are watching me in person,

<v Speaker 1>also make sure you're hyping this video up. Do you

<v Speaker 1>guys have that feature? I'm not sure if a lot

<v Speaker 1>of you are aware that you have a feature called

<v Speaker 1>a hype feature on YouTube. For those of you that

<v Speaker 1>are watching me visually, there is a hype feature. It

<v Speaker 1>is in the description box, So if you see it,

<v Speaker 1>hype this video up, because that's gonna tell YouTube the algorithm.

<v Speaker 2>All right, we like what we see.

<v Speaker 1>Let's get this into the algorithm, because, as you guys know,

<v Speaker 1>I took a long hiatus and I was not really

<v Speaker 1>loving the fact that at one point it felt like

<v Speaker 1>my input was not matching the output. A lot of

<v Speaker 1>people were telling me they were unsubscribed for my channel.

<v Speaker 1>They don't know how I was not showing up in

<v Speaker 1>their algorithm anymore. It just seemed like the algorithm was

<v Speaker 1>not really in favor of the show for a while

<v Speaker 1>or the channel. And I just stand ten toes down.

<v Speaker 1>My content is great, like the stuff that I put out.

<v Speaker 1>You guys follow me because of the value of the

<v Speaker 1>things that I say and how I deliver it.

<v Speaker 2>That is what my niche is.

<v Speaker 1>I talk about dating, faith, relationships, like all the things like.

<v Speaker 1>That's what my niche is on YouTube, and that's what

<v Speaker 1>my platform is built off of. And I very much

<v Speaker 1>would like to see the expansion of the show, being

<v Speaker 1>that the podcast is going to be the main personal

<v Speaker 1>brand as opposed to me just doing my normal sit

<v Speaker 1>down videos like I used to. It's the same type

<v Speaker 1>of content, it's just via the podcast now. So I

<v Speaker 1>say all that to say, hype the video please if

<v Speaker 1>you see it, so that it can tell the algorithm

<v Speaker 1>all right, we like what we see, And honestly it

<v Speaker 1>will mean a lot to me just in general, because

<v Speaker 1>I want to get back make sure that I'm getting

<v Speaker 1>back into the algorithm so that more people can actually

<v Speaker 1>see the content, because that's the whole purpose of scaling anyways,

<v Speaker 1>and it's a team effort. So if you guys are

<v Speaker 1>fans of me and the show, make sure that you

<v Speaker 1>guys do that and do it for anyone honestly that

<v Speaker 1>you are a fan of.

<v Speaker 2>As you guys can see.

<v Speaker 1>Also, the mic keeps on dropping, so I keep on

<v Speaker 1>having to adjust it. Today's episode was inspired by my

<v Speaker 1>revelation that throughout my life I know that there have

<v Speaker 1>been certain individuals in my life that would make comments

<v Speaker 1>and say like, you know, you really are who you

<v Speaker 1>present to be and you really are the person that

<v Speaker 1>you think you are. And when I would hear comments

<v Speaker 1>like this, I would always be like, well, I mean,

<v Speaker 1>of course, like isn't kind of everybody?

<v Speaker 2>But apparently not. And also from what I've observed, a lot.

<v Speaker 1>Of people are simply not who they think that they are,

<v Speaker 1>so That's why the title of this is You're not

<v Speaker 1>who you think you are. We need to crack the

<v Speaker 1>self awareness illusion. So I want to be clear, I'm

<v Speaker 1>not trying to diagnose anyone or anything. This is simply

<v Speaker 1>about patterns and recognizing them, and everybody has blind spots,

<v Speaker 1>including me and also including you. However, this is the

<v Speaker 1>one thing that I really have taken a lot of

<v Speaker 1>pride in is the fact that I am the exact

<v Speaker 1>same person I present to be online. I am that

<v Speaker 1>same exact person in person and in my life as well.

<v Speaker 1>There is no difference between the two. So one of

<v Speaker 1>the most dangerous places to be is thinking that you

<v Speaker 1>are a self aware person when all you've actually done

<v Speaker 1>is memorize the language of growth, the language of self improvement.

<v Speaker 1>So what makes this very significant is because throughout my channel,

<v Speaker 1>I'm sure you guys have witness me mentioning the term

<v Speaker 1>cognitive dissonance. So it's important to unpack what that actually is.

<v Speaker 1>So to break it down simply, cognitive dissonance is when

<v Speaker 1>you are holding two conflicting beliefs at the same time. Right,

<v Speaker 1>It's you're protecting your identity of who you think you

<v Speaker 1>are over the actual truth. Cognitive dissonance also looks like

<v Speaker 1>justifying your behavior instead of examining your behavior. Now, this

<v Speaker 1>is the people that suffer from cognitive dissonance. They genuinely

<v Speaker 1>do not think that they do. That's the whole point.

<v Speaker 1>This is specifically geared towards people who speak the language

<v Speaker 1>of self growth, but other people's experience experiences of these people.

<v Speaker 1>If you want to put people in a lineup right, yes,

<v Speaker 1>there are haters and things like that. I do believe

<v Speaker 1>in spiritual warfare. You know, sometimes I notice, for instance,

<v Speaker 1>I'll put myself on the block. I remember growing up,

<v Speaker 1>a lot of people would make the same comment, you know,

<v Speaker 1>like a lot of people that didn't like me, didn't

<v Speaker 1>want to give me a chance to try and get

<v Speaker 1>to know me interpersonally, would say like, oh, she thinks she's.

<v Speaker 2>All that right.

<v Speaker 1>But when it comes to actual detailed things about yourself,

<v Speaker 1>if everyone is saying the same thing about you, if

<v Speaker 1>everyone is saying, you know, as soon as you become

<v Speaker 1>friends with this person, they, you know, all of a

<v Speaker 1>sudden start spreading rumors about you. And you have two, three, four,

<v Speaker 1>or five people sharing this exact same experience.

<v Speaker 2>Babe, It is in fact you.

<v Speaker 1>It is not ah like, oh my gosh, they're they're

<v Speaker 1>saying the same thing because they're just a hater. No, again,

<v Speaker 1>there's a difference in oh, she thinks she's all that

<v Speaker 1>versus someone saying a detailed thing that pertains to your character.

<v Speaker 1>Saying someone thinks to all that is a speculation, it's

<v Speaker 1>an assumption, But actually stating something based off an experience

<v Speaker 1>of hanging out with you and getting to know you

<v Speaker 1>is very different. And some people are just so diluted

<v Speaker 1>and refuse to actually accept the truth, which is clearly

<v Speaker 1>rooted in very deep, almost clinically deep levels of insecurity,

<v Speaker 1>that they cannot allow themselves to absorb the fact that

<v Speaker 1>what they're hearing may very well be true. So an

<v Speaker 1>example also of cognitive dissonance could also look like, well,

<v Speaker 1>I am emotionally mature, but you're avoiding accountability. You are deflecting,

<v Speaker 1>you are blaming, you are minimizing.

<v Speaker 2>This also is very easy to notice.

<v Speaker 1>Especially when someone has an answer for everything instead of

<v Speaker 1>just saying, you know what, Honestly, I don't even know.

<v Speaker 2>I don't even know why I did that. I don't

<v Speaker 2>know why I said that.

<v Speaker 1>It's always an answer to justify everything, justifying their behavior

<v Speaker 1>instead of examining it. And also what's crazy too about

<v Speaker 1>these people is they'll be the first person to say, well,

<v Speaker 1>if there's anything that I've done, I'd be more than

<v Speaker 1>happy to take accountability for it. All these different things.

<v Speaker 1>Some people do mean it. Some people actually don't. They're

<v Speaker 1>using the language of growth and so so that they

<v Speaker 1>can come across as very self aware and all of

<v Speaker 1>these different things, but they're not. They're just saying that

<v Speaker 1>just to simply say it, because in their minds they

<v Speaker 1>think that they are someone that takes accountability and all

<v Speaker 1>these different things.

<v Speaker 2>They're not.

<v Speaker 1>They still are very defensive. Self awareness is not about

<v Speaker 1>using all the right words and the right terms and

<v Speaker 1>expressing something, expressing things in such an eloquent way that

<v Speaker 1>it makes you sound like you were right and like

<v Speaker 1>you know what you're saying. It's actually tolerating discomfort in

<v Speaker 1>the midst of truth. That's what self awareness is, tolerating

<v Speaker 1>the discomfort. You know what, this sucks to hear if

<v Speaker 1>I know I genuinely care for somebody and they're giving

<v Speaker 1>me feedback. I remember one time one of my best friends,

<v Speaker 1>I was like in this relationship and I remember her

<v Speaker 1>saying something to me, and I thought, wow, I really

<v Speaker 1>value my friend's opinion, so I want to know, like

<v Speaker 1>I need to take into consideration what my friend said.

<v Speaker 1>I didn't look at it as well, No, that's not

<v Speaker 1>I don't feel like I'm acting any different or anything

<v Speaker 1>like that, so it doesn't really matter. And mind you,

<v Speaker 1>she wasn't even making a comment about our relationship. She

<v Speaker 1>was making an observation about a specific dynamic that was

<v Speaker 1>in my life that happened to be romantic at the time.

<v Speaker 1>And I took it in instead of saying I think

<v Speaker 1>she's against me, she's not understanding where I'm coming from. No,

<v Speaker 1>I said, if this is my friend and I trust

<v Speaker 1>that she genuinely cares about me, I know she's not

<v Speaker 1>trying to hurt me in any capacity by saying this,

<v Speaker 1>then why wouldn't I consider what she's saying. But the

<v Speaker 1>unhealthy tends to show when you have truth tellers around

<v Speaker 1>you and you don't absorb what it is that they're

<v Speaker 1>actually saying. You have an excuse for it because it

<v Speaker 1>makes you uncomfortable to think that you're being perceived in

<v Speaker 1>a way. In a certain way that cracks the mask

<v Speaker 1>of who you actually think that you are. All right,

<v Speaker 1>So what are some signs that someone is simply not

<v Speaker 1>who they think that they are. Well, I want to

<v Speaker 1>keep this very observational. I'm not trying to accuse anything

<v Speaker 1>or anyone, but the patterns that we need to discuss

<v Speaker 1>here is, well, you're always the victim in every story,

<v Speaker 1>and you are an extreme projector so here you are

<v Speaker 1>the vicar in every story accusing other people of being

<v Speaker 1>the victim in every story. I literally have lived through

<v Speaker 1>this experience I have gone through, especially in the past

<v Speaker 1>I want to say, three years.

<v Speaker 2>I don't know if that's a story that I really.

<v Speaker 1>Will ever tell, Like it's just I genuinely don't even care,

<v Speaker 1>like literally at all, but I remember there being themes

<v Speaker 1>of the exact things that I was being accused of.

<v Speaker 1>When all the truth came to the light, that person

<v Speaker 1>was actually doing all of the things that they were

<v Speaker 1>accusing me of, and I couldn't believe it, Like I

<v Speaker 1>couldn't believe where all of those lies and things came from.

<v Speaker 1>But I guess it made sense because they didn't even

<v Speaker 1>realize that they were actually the reference of where these

<v Speaker 1>lies and all the deception and accusatory behavior came from

<v Speaker 1>it was actually them, and so they'll put the exact

<v Speaker 1>things they're feeling, so so unaware that they are the

<v Speaker 1>ones experiencing this and accuse you of the very thing

<v Speaker 1>that they're actually thinking that they're actually feeling.

<v Speaker 2>They don't even realize it.

<v Speaker 1>They don't even realize it's me that's feeling this way

<v Speaker 1>about a situation, but I'm accusing this person of feeling

<v Speaker 1>this way. Very dangerous people to be around. You're self aware,

<v Speaker 1>but you also never apologize. Now this has duality to

<v Speaker 1>it because some people have no problem saying sorry, but

<v Speaker 1>they also don't mean it. But if you're self aware

<v Speaker 1>and you're the type of person that never wants to

<v Speaker 1>apologize to someone, clearly it's because you always feel justified

<v Speaker 1>in your actions. Right, you're not who you think that

<v Speaker 1>you are, because there is a certain spirit of humility

<v Speaker 1>that comes with actual growth, regardless of what the outcome is.

<v Speaker 1>Let's say you did something to someone when you were

<v Speaker 1>not in the best state and it was very, very

<v Speaker 1>harmful to them, You at no point on your journey

<v Speaker 1>feel if you are still around this person to genuinely

<v Speaker 1>apologize for what happened, even if you don't share recollect

<v Speaker 1>the things in the same way that that person does.

<v Speaker 1>But you truly did hurt somebody if you don't see

<v Speaker 1>the point at all and apologizing when you may have

<v Speaker 1>to coexist with this person still, I'm sorry. That's not growth,

<v Speaker 1>that's giving. You are not who you think you are.

<v Speaker 1>You would rather be known as whoever your new identity is,

<v Speaker 1>whoever that thing is, that person is, rather than actually

<v Speaker 1>be truthful and say, listen, I'm gonna sit in the

<v Speaker 1>uncomfortability of what the truth is. Like I said, for

<v Speaker 1>you to be self aware, you need to learn how

<v Speaker 1>to tolerate the discomfort of truth. Tolerate it. That's what

<v Speaker 1>makes you a self aware person. Also, another sign you

<v Speaker 1>may not be who you think you are is you

<v Speaker 1>can explain your trauma, but you won't change your behavior.

<v Speaker 1>You have no problem explaining, well, this is because this

<v Speaker 1>happened to me all these different things. It almost becomes

<v Speaker 1>a crutch for you to be the way that you are.

<v Speaker 1>We've had enough about it already. It doesn't matter.

<v Speaker 2>I get it.

<v Speaker 1>Things happen to pe people all the time. It's not

<v Speaker 1>an excuse for you to continue to emotionally terrorize, be

<v Speaker 1>an emotional vampire, an energy vampire.

<v Speaker 2>It is not an excuse anymore. Oh well, this is.

<v Speaker 1>Just how I think because this is just what I

<v Speaker 1>went through. Great, thank you for noticing that. But why

<v Speaker 1>is your behavior still reflective of what your trauma is

<v Speaker 1>yet You're soul self aware? Self awareness is actually changing

<v Speaker 1>the behavior when realizing this, not continuing to rehearse the

<v Speaker 1>same script of justifying why you're showing up in a

<v Speaker 1>certain capacity because of the fact that you went through

<v Speaker 1>xyz okay. Also, people that are not who they think

<v Speaker 1>that they are. They use therapy language to excuse the

<v Speaker 1>harm that they've done to people. They are the quickest

<v Speaker 1>people to label things. All this person's a narcissist. All

<v Speaker 1>this person literally did this to me. All this person

<v Speaker 1>abused me, this person did that really? Really okay? Or

<v Speaker 1>you have another person they get defensive when they're gently confronted. This,

<v Speaker 1>for me, I will say, is the one of the

<v Speaker 1>number one indicators. How I know that this something doesn't

<v Speaker 1>smell right and it's you. Something doesn't smell right and

<v Speaker 1>it's you. You're getting defensive when you're being gently confronted.

<v Speaker 1>Someone is calmly speaking to you, and you mean to

<v Speaker 1>tell me you're getting so aggressive and riled up. Interesting,

<v Speaker 1>very very interesting. You know.

<v Speaker 2>I actually had a situation that was actually.

<v Speaker 1>The reverse of this, where I remember someone just kept talking, talking,

<v Speaker 1>saying all these things behind my back.

<v Speaker 2>D da dah.

<v Speaker 1>I finally finally confront the person, and I'm like, all right,

<v Speaker 1>we're gonna unpack this because there was this like passive strong,

<v Speaker 1>passive aggressive tone of where not speaking clearly, but I

<v Speaker 1>keep hearing that you're actively talking about me.

<v Speaker 2>But this person is in such close proximity to me.

<v Speaker 1>I was like, all right, I know to confront this person,

<v Speaker 1>and at this point it's just going to be excl explosive.

<v Speaker 1>So I confronted them and I was like, I said

<v Speaker 1>something that they accused me of and I was.

<v Speaker 2>Like, where's your proof, where's your proof that I did this?

<v Speaker 1>And the person was like, sis, if you want to

<v Speaker 1>talk like trying to make me feel crazy for how

<v Speaker 1>I was responding when they know all the stuff that

<v Speaker 1>they've been doing and talking about me behind my back,

<v Speaker 1>that's neither here nor there AnyWho.

<v Speaker 2>But I do find it suspicious.

<v Speaker 1>I want to say where out of respect for what

<v Speaker 1>once was, I will say all of my friendships, all

<v Speaker 1>of my relationship dynamics romantic, platonic, out of respect for

<v Speaker 1>what once was. I'm the type of person where I'm

<v Speaker 1>always going to have a level of respect for that person,

<v Speaker 1>obviously depending on the context. Like if you know, I

<v Speaker 1>would just never be disrespectful, let's just put it like that.

<v Speaker 1>I'm not going to disrespect you. And if there is

<v Speaker 1>something going on, I want to hear your side, even

<v Speaker 1>if I do not agree with it. I will always

<v Speaker 1>want to know how you arrived at a certain conclusion,

<v Speaker 1>to feel the way that you feel, and I would

<v Speaker 1>hope that I would be given the same respect. But

<v Speaker 1>if we're getting defensive and the tone is calm and

<v Speaker 1>all these different things, I'm not understanding.

<v Speaker 2>It's giving. What are you hiding?

<v Speaker 1>It's giving you're not who you think that you are

<v Speaker 1>because there's something clearly that you don't want to be

<v Speaker 1>heard because it's breaking your fragile ego.

<v Speaker 2>All right.

<v Speaker 1>Another sign that someone is not who they think that

<v Speaker 1>they are is they think that insight equates to growth.

<v Speaker 1>It doesn't, because what these people tend to do is.

<v Speaker 2>They will hoard all of these new.

<v Speaker 1>Insights and revelations and they think that they've attached the

<v Speaker 1>action and the work of growth to it, assigning it

<v Speaker 1>to themselves as though they have been walking in this

<v Speaker 1>new insight, in this newfound truth. You have not you

<v Speaker 1>have not done the work. You've just heard it. It's

<v Speaker 1>kind of like hearing a new buzzword. When you are

<v Speaker 1>a signing something to yourself without actually doing the work.

<v Speaker 1>Is one of the biggest indicators that you are simply

<v Speaker 1>not who you think that you are, because you are

<v Speaker 1>just trying to adapt the language of growth and personal

<v Speaker 1>development and transformation without actually putting in the work to

<v Speaker 1>do it. And that, my friends, is a very scary

<v Speaker 1>individual because they will sound good, but to discerning ears,

<v Speaker 1>you can hear and also see as well that this

<v Speaker 1>person is not actually authentic all right, because awareness without

<v Speaker 1>the change is honestly just self entertainment. You're just playing yourself. Okay,

<v Speaker 1>that's exactly what you're doing.

<v Speaker 2>Now. Why does this happen? Right?

<v Speaker 1>This happens because of ego protection. It's so deeply rooted

<v Speaker 1>in some of us that we don't realize that that's

<v Speaker 1>how we're showing up. You don't want to be vulnerable,

<v Speaker 1>but you're good at playing like you're vulnerable, cur ating

<v Speaker 1>the moments where you feel comfortable to share certain sides

<v Speaker 1>of yourself, and that makes you feel like I am

<v Speaker 1>a vulnerable person. I am this, I am that you're

<v Speaker 1>not because in the truth coming to the light, are

<v Speaker 1>you okay with sitting in that discomfort and owning things?

<v Speaker 1>Have you ever gotten this feeling about a friend or

<v Speaker 1>even like a boyfriend that you want to tell them

<v Speaker 1>the truth about how you're feeling based on your experience

<v Speaker 1>with them, but you honestly can't because you already know

<v Speaker 1>that it's not going to be well received. You already

<v Speaker 1>know that you're just wasting your time because they're just

<v Speaker 1>going to be defensive, and then they're going to start

<v Speaker 1>to hoard all these feelings about you because they're upset

<v Speaker 1>that you have arrived to this conclusion about them. That

<v Speaker 1>is like one of the most suffocating type of dynamics

<v Speaker 1>because now your relationship with that individual becomes performative because

<v Speaker 1>you know you're holding onto these things. You can't say

<v Speaker 1>how you truly feel because you already can predict how

<v Speaker 1>this person's going to respond based on how they respond

<v Speaker 1>with other people and in other situations, and also how

<v Speaker 1>they respond to little critiques or things like that. There's

<v Speaker 1>always signs, girls, There's always signs. These people also tend

<v Speaker 1>to be know it alls. They always feel like they

<v Speaker 1>have to have an answer for everything. They are not

<v Speaker 1>okay with just simply saying I don't know actually and

<v Speaker 1>sitting in that moment. No, they always have to justify

<v Speaker 1>every single thing. It's exhausting, all right, being self aware

<v Speaker 1>but never even apologizing is an actual problem, and sometimes

<v Speaker 1>these people always feel like they're actually the ones that

<v Speaker 1>are owed an apology. No, it actually goes both ways.

<v Speaker 1>There is a certain level of humility that you need

<v Speaker 1>to have in order to coexist in any sort of relationship.

<v Speaker 1>But people like to show up in different fragments and

<v Speaker 1>compartmentalize the actual work that needs to be done to

<v Speaker 1>steward healthy relationships in their life, both platonically and romantically.

<v Speaker 1>They want to show up in a certain capacity for

<v Speaker 1>something that they really really want, but they are failing

<v Speaker 1>and showing up honestly as the antithesis of whatever they're

<v Speaker 1>trying to portray. In another dynamic, are you picking up

<v Speaker 1>what I'm laying down? Yes, this happens to protect your

<v Speaker 1>ego when it comes to not being who you actually

<v Speaker 1>think you are, but also your identity attachment probably feels

<v Speaker 1>like it's actually being attacked.

<v Speaker 2>I understand that can feel very very harsh. I get that.

<v Speaker 1>But being a self aware person, if this is what

<v Speaker 1>you're trying to be, right, you have to realize, Hey,

<v Speaker 1>if I have this idea of myself that I am

<v Speaker 1>an amazing friend, why is it that my friends groups

<v Speaker 1>are always changing on a daily basis? Every three day

<v Speaker 1>six months, I have brand new friends. Why is it

<v Speaker 1>that I feel like I'm always super close with people

<v Speaker 1>and then I feel so abandoned by them after Why

<v Speaker 1>is it that these people all have similar things to

<v Speaker 1>say about me? But in my mind, I'm so used

<v Speaker 1>to hearing these things that I just chalk it up to, Oh,

<v Speaker 1>they're just haters, Like I don't really care, and you're

<v Speaker 1>okay with the falling out of it. That tells you

<v Speaker 1>that you are not facing something. You're not facing yourself.

<v Speaker 1>So the identity that you're attached to of yourself, the

<v Speaker 1>mask is cracking and you refuse to accept. You know what,

<v Speaker 1>I think it might be me here, because no, it

<v Speaker 1>can't be you. You know, this also happens when you

<v Speaker 1>are trauma bonding to your self image. You are literally

<v Speaker 1>trying to trauma even with people too. A lot of

<v Speaker 1>the times I notice that people that want to accelerate

<v Speaker 1>relationships really fast, they tend to trauma bond with people.

<v Speaker 1>Oh we've both gone through this, we have gone through that,

<v Speaker 1>all these different things. From the outside looking in, you

<v Speaker 1>actually look a little crazy because normally how you know

<v Speaker 1>how things go is it takes time.

<v Speaker 2>Patience is a virtue. Relationships.

<v Speaker 1>The trust and the longevity of relationships are built over time,

<v Speaker 1>not some sort of race to nowhere fast.

<v Speaker 2>But people that.

<v Speaker 1>Are emotionally unregulated and that are very anxious and controlling

<v Speaker 1>and not who they think that they are, they think

<v Speaker 1>that it means deep connection, so they try to manufacture

<v Speaker 1>it and they think it's fostering deep connection. But they

<v Speaker 1>are manufacturing deep connection with people because they want to

<v Speaker 1>just throw all of their traumas out there, thinking that

<v Speaker 1>that means, oh, we're connecting deeply. Interesting growth it's not

<v Speaker 1>a threat, it's a goal, all right. When growth is

<v Speaker 1>a threat to you and not an actual goal, that

<v Speaker 1>is I think the point where you attach yourself to

<v Speaker 1>a certain thing and you assign it as who you

<v Speaker 1>actually are doesn't even make any sense.

<v Speaker 2>You haven't done any of the work.

<v Speaker 1>It's like, Okay, if I think that someone's funny, but

<v Speaker 1>I know I aspire to kind of be funny, I

<v Speaker 1>start labeling that as myself. Now, oh I'm very funny.

<v Speaker 1>I'm all these different things. You're not, You're not you.

<v Speaker 1>It's like, people, how do I articulate this? You will

<v Speaker 1>hear things that you think is great, something that even

<v Speaker 1>pertains to growth and personal development and all the things,

<v Speaker 1>and you assign it to yourself, not realizing that it's

<v Speaker 1>actually a threat to you to show up in the

<v Speaker 1>capacity that's needed for you to actually embody that thing

<v Speaker 1>that you admire. So it's not even a goal of yours. Eventually,

<v Speaker 1>I'm going to get there. Eventually, I'm going to be

<v Speaker 1>able to, you know, be a better friend. I'm going

<v Speaker 1>to be able to be a better partner. I'm going

<v Speaker 1>to be better at sitting in the uh, you know,

<v Speaker 1>the uncomfortable truth of you know, what my friend's perception,

<v Speaker 1>what my partner's perception of me may be. I'm open

<v Speaker 1>to hearing it without having to shut it down and

<v Speaker 1>be dismissive of it, because that's not who I am.

<v Speaker 1>So I don't even want to hear it. Okay, the

<v Speaker 1>thing is, that's actually a spirit of pride, because pride,

<v Speaker 1>it doesn't always have to be loud. Sometimes it looks

<v Speaker 1>like certainty, right, Like, that's just not who I am.

<v Speaker 1>I'm not going to be listening to anything that's just

<v Speaker 1>not who I am. I don't care what anyone has

<v Speaker 1>to say.

<v Speaker 2>That is pride.

<v Speaker 1>Because again, if you put a people in a lineup

<v Speaker 1>and everyone is saying the same exact thing about you,

<v Speaker 1>everyone is arriving at the same conclusion about you, that

<v Speaker 1>means it is you, my friend. This is going to

<v Speaker 1>cause a lot of damage because what is this going

<v Speaker 1>to do. Let's talk about the effects that being a

<v Speaker 1>person that is not who they think they are. You

<v Speaker 1>have a self awareness illusion. This is going to cause

<v Speaker 1>stagnant relationships. All your relationships hit the same plateau. You

<v Speaker 1>just think everyone just leaves, everyone just says this, and

<v Speaker 1>everyone performs in this type of way. Did you ever

<v Speaker 1>question what you're doing that contributes to that outcome?

<v Speaker 2>Did you ever question that?

<v Speaker 1>But no, because when you're constantly in denial of Okay, well,

<v Speaker 1>I don't care, I'm just going to rotate to the

<v Speaker 1>next person. Rotate to the next person. You don't sit

<v Speaker 1>in the uncomfortability and reflect on why it's actually happening

<v Speaker 1>to you, which will then lead you to repeating the

<v Speaker 1>same cycles over and over again.

<v Speaker 2>You're not learning the lesson.

<v Speaker 1>Life is going to teach you the same lesson over

<v Speaker 1>and over again until you learn from it. This is

<v Speaker 1>also going to cause confusion in all of your your

<v Speaker 1>relationships with your partners, with your friends. There will always

<v Speaker 1>be confusion that follows. You're going to be a self

<v Speaker 1>righteous person where you're going to be throwing all these terms,

<v Speaker 1>and if you are a person of faith as well,

<v Speaker 1>you can easily throw these religious terms onto something.

<v Speaker 2>But your heart is far from God. You're just saying

<v Speaker 2>this so it sounds good.

<v Speaker 1>You're just slapping scripture, slapping you know, faith type of

<v Speaker 1>talks onto your lifestyle where you refuse to even have

<v Speaker 1>a spirit of humility. How does that make any sense?

<v Speaker 1>It's almost arrogant in nature. And then emotional maturity is

<v Speaker 1>being disguised as confidence. You think that because you're showing

<v Speaker 1>up and you believe that this is who you are,

<v Speaker 1>that that is in fact who you are. Friend, I'm

<v Speaker 1>here to tell you that that's not always the case.

<v Speaker 1>If you have people around you that you love and

<v Speaker 1>care about and they're trying to share something with you,

<v Speaker 1>that's a data point, that's something to consider, and you do.

<v Speaker 1>If you want to have a relationship with that person,

<v Speaker 1>you should kind of hear them out. And again, if

<v Speaker 1>everyone's saying the same thing about you, hello, something must

<v Speaker 1>be true. But if you don't want to hear that

<v Speaker 1>and you just keep I don't want to hear that,

<v Speaker 1>I'm going to replace you with something someone else. I'm

<v Speaker 1>going to replace you with someone else, you'll never learn

<v Speaker 1>the lesson. You constantly think it's them, it's never me,

<v Speaker 1>it's them, it's never me, and that you start projecting,

<v Speaker 1>not realizing that you're doing it the very thing that

<v Speaker 1>you are suffering with. You were saying that it is

<v Speaker 1>someone else, but it is actually you. People do not

<v Speaker 1>leave confused people. They leave incongruent ones. Right when I'm

<v Speaker 1>confused about something, I am willing to hear the person out.

<v Speaker 2>I realize this as an adult.

<v Speaker 1>Any time, if there's ever any sort of riff in

<v Speaker 1>any of my friendships or my relationship, I want to

<v Speaker 1>address it out of concern and I care. I care

<v Speaker 1>to reconcile. Once I arrive at the point that I

<v Speaker 1>don't care to reconcile with you and I've realized that

<v Speaker 1>we're just not aligned. I'm actually not going to speak

<v Speaker 1>to you, and I don't care how that reflects on you,

<v Speaker 1>because I see how you perform in other areas and

<v Speaker 1>I'm not interested in being next because I've already seen

<v Speaker 1>what you've done and i know that I'm not going

<v Speaker 1>to be any different.

<v Speaker 2>It's a data point. I'm done here.

<v Speaker 1>However, when I am willing to address something with somebody,

<v Speaker 1>it's because I do care to reconcile. But if you

<v Speaker 1>are someone that is not who you think you are,

<v Speaker 1>most likely you're going to be the type of person

<v Speaker 1>where someone's telling you showing up in an honest and

<v Speaker 1>an integral way sometimes but your brain keeps telling you

<v Speaker 1>something else. If someone's saying, hey, I have a problem

<v Speaker 1>with this, I feel like this is how you came

<v Speaker 1>across when this event happened. But you're in your mind,

<v Speaker 1>no I didn't, No I didn't, No I didn't. Then

<v Speaker 1>where are we going to go from here? You think

<v Speaker 1>I'm saying this because I I'm hating on you.

<v Speaker 2>I'm telling you this because.

<v Speaker 1>I actually do value our relationship and I don't want

<v Speaker 1>it to continue to coexist in this specific manner. But

<v Speaker 1>if that's not how it's landing to you, then we

<v Speaker 1>really don't have a relationship. So once you see that

<v Speaker 1>something does not align, you already have everything that you

<v Speaker 1>need to have. It's it onto the next Right, how

<v Speaker 1>is real self awareness proven?

<v Speaker 2>Right?

<v Speaker 1>Real self awareness is going to look like accountability without justification?

<v Speaker 2>You know what.

<v Speaker 1>I accept what you're saying, because let's be honest here, friend,

<v Speaker 1>it can't be that foreign to you, right, I'm sure

<v Speaker 1>you've heard a little bit of this stuff before. Accountability

<v Speaker 1>without justification. Well, I did this because I thought that

<v Speaker 1>your ugliest showing curiosity instead of defensiveness. Well, why do

<v Speaker 1>you feel this way? I know that that's not what

<v Speaker 1>I meant. I know that aside from my intention, I'm

<v Speaker 1>curious as to how you arrived at this conclusion. And

<v Speaker 1>I'm not trying to be defensive. I want to hear

<v Speaker 1>you out change patterns and not just changed vocabulary, not

<v Speaker 1>just changing friend groups, not bringing this person in, taking

<v Speaker 1>that person out, flippant it. You're not taking accountability anytime

<v Speaker 1>you see somebody that's like that letting people disagree with

<v Speaker 1>you without judging them all the time, all these different things.

<v Speaker 1>You know what also just tells you someone's emotionally unhealthy

<v Speaker 1>when they used to do and participate in a certain

<v Speaker 1>thing and because they maybe don't anymore, they are so

<v Speaker 1>judgmental of the very things that they actually used to do,

<v Speaker 1>not coming from a place of healing, and you know,

<v Speaker 1>don't participate in this anymore because this is what it

<v Speaker 1>produced in me. But there's almost a hatred for it,

<v Speaker 1>of like disdain of like iw like who would even

<v Speaker 1>do something like that? I have experienced this plenty of

<v Speaker 1>times in my life, where like I've been around individuals

<v Speaker 1>that are like they are literally saying that they are

<v Speaker 1>not a certain way, or they are they've come out

<v Speaker 1>of a certain mindset, or they changed physically or what

<v Speaker 1>have you, and they have such a disdain for others

<v Speaker 1>that used to do the exact same thing as them.

<v Speaker 1>Like it's just it's so crazy to me, how instead

<v Speaker 1>of having compassion you have disdain? How does that work?

<v Speaker 1>That was once you but now you hate it. You

<v Speaker 1>hate yourself, That's what it is. You hate yourself because

<v Speaker 1>you still actually a part of you still identifies with

<v Speaker 1>that old version of yourself. So instead of looking at

<v Speaker 1>it from compassion and saying like I get it, I've

<v Speaker 1>been there, it's like I don't even want that around

<v Speaker 1>me because you feel like you can almost catch that again.

<v Speaker 1>In a sense, Am I making sense? Also, real self

<v Speaker 1>awareness has proven when you actually do invite feedback that

<v Speaker 1>you might not like, invite feedback that you might not like.

<v Speaker 1>If you claim you're sol self aware, Let's ask ask

<v Speaker 1>you have a true friend that without trying to defend

<v Speaker 1>yourself and say like, hey, like, you know, what do

<v Speaker 1>you think about you know how I responded in this case,

<v Speaker 1>you know, like genuinely let me know, and that person

<v Speaker 1>should feel comfortable to say listen, Honestly, I thought that

<v Speaker 1>you could have responded in this way. I felt like

<v Speaker 1>when we had this disagreement that you didn't believe whatever

<v Speaker 1>the case is individually, that person should feel comfortable giving

<v Speaker 1>you that feedback. But you're such an unself aware person

<v Speaker 1>with the illusion of self awareness that you'll shut these

<v Speaker 1>things down by either one being dismissive or two being

<v Speaker 1>the type of person that acts like, oh I'm over

<v Speaker 1>it now, but you made a big stink about it.

<v Speaker 1>So why are you over it now when you made

<v Speaker 1>a big stink about it before? Interesting. If your self

<v Speaker 1>image is going to collapse when you are questioned, it's

<v Speaker 1>not awareness, it's armor.

<v Speaker 2>Think about that.

<v Speaker 1>If your self image just breaks and you guys always

<v Speaker 1>know you guys know, I say like, hey, if this

<v Speaker 1>is going to be a fragile situation, let it break.

<v Speaker 1>If your self image is simply going to collapse when

<v Speaker 1>you are questioned, that is not awareness, That is armor.

<v Speaker 1>That's why you don't want to hear it. That's why

<v Speaker 1>you don't want to be around it. You're trying to

<v Speaker 1>control the narrative. So you should be able to ask yourself,

<v Speaker 1>who am I committed to being versus protecting? You should

<v Speaker 1>ask yourself what feedback do I keep dismissing again in

<v Speaker 1>the name of self awareness, in the name of self growth,

<v Speaker 1>Where do my actions contradict my idea identity?

<v Speaker 2>Yeah? Real talk?

<v Speaker 1>Am I more interested in being right or being real?

<v Speaker 1>Sometimes the two cannot coexist? Am I okay with that?

<v Speaker 1>This episode is not about pointing fingers, I want to add,

<v Speaker 1>It's really about honestly having the courage to look in

<v Speaker 1>the mirror without flinching, without cringing at yourself. All right,

<v Speaker 1>this is all about truly having that self awareness. And

<v Speaker 1>so I know that this might have been tough to hear,

<v Speaker 1>and I hope that it has been thought provoking for you.

<v Speaker 1>But if you guys have enjoyed this episode or you

<v Speaker 1>kind of want to send want to send this to

<v Speaker 1>a friend as a gentle uh food for thought episode,

<v Speaker 1>send it to a friend, don't gatekeep. Remember to hype

<v Speaker 1>this video up if you are seeing it in person

<v Speaker 1>on YouTube.

<v Speaker 2>Make sure that you give.

<v Speaker 1>This podcast a five star rating wherever it is that

<v Speaker 1>you're listening. And with that being said, do you not

<v Speaker 1>forget that I love you and God loves you and

<v Speaker 1>I'll speak to you beautiful angels in my next fivecast

<v Speaker 1>episode VA