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Welcome in to the He Wants She Wants Marriage podcast. In this episode, we're going to be talking about the one thing your woman wants in marriage more than anything else. If you're a husband listening in, well, like you, clearly I'm a husband. Like you, for the vast majority of my married life, I've been wondering what in God's name does my wife really, really want?

Maybe more importantly, like you, I know the pain that I have felt and we as men, as husbands feel when we're trying our absolute best, but our best just doesn't seem good enough because we're flying blind. We don't really know what our wives want.

And if you're a wife listening in, you might feel like, how can they narrow it down to one thing that I want in marriage? I want so many things. And I'm a wife, I get that. There is a very long list of things that I want from my husband. But this one thing that we're going to talk about today is kind of like a drool of it all. It's a foundational thing that if in the relationship

you nail this one together and your husband actually gets to know this one thing, it's gonna make a real, real massive difference. So that's my wife perspective.

And for the husbands in marriage, I'm going to quote Sigmund Freud, the world famous psychoanalyst. Freud was quoted as saying, the great question that has never been answered and which I have not yet been able to answer, despite my 30 years of research into the feminine soul is what does a woman want? Well.

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This episode was for Sigmund Freud. He's unfortunately too late to hear the wisdom in it, but by the end of this episode, we thoroughly expect that you will be quantum light years ahead of Sigmund Freud. And you're going to be more like Nick Marshall. Now who's Nick Marshall? Nick Marshall is the protagonist of the 2000 film What Women Want. The star Mel Gibson, starring as Nick Marshall and Helen Hunt.

In that film, Nick Marshall gets electrocuted and it being Hollywood and shit like that can happen. He's gifted the incredible capacity to literally be able to hear what women are thinking. And the whole comedy and it's a beautiful, beautiful movie. The whole essence of it is, is as a result of being able to hear what women are thinking, Nick Marshall is able to

gift every woman that he meets exactly what they're wanting. Now the really interesting thing about that movie when we were looking at it on reflection for this is Nick in that movie with all these women, he's using one strategy to help every single woman he meets get what she wants. In this episode, we're gonna be talking about that.

one way of gifting your wife exactly what she wants. The second part is there are two key ingredients to unlocking the superpower in yourself as a husband. And then we're going to be talking about three simple ways to give her what she wants exactly how she wants it.

Yes, so let's bring in what is the one thing that women want. We're going to start with that because we're not really giving away the ending just yet because if you don't actually use the two ingredients and then know the three ways to do it, this one thing just by itself is not going to be enough. But the one thing that women want in marriage is to be seen. When a woman feels truly seen, she feels loved.

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And that is the secret. So first I'd like to talk about how not to see a woman. So before we give you the juice of how to do it, how not to do it. And this is actually an example that happened just a couple of days ago. It was.

thought this was a fictitious one that you invented just for...

No, that was real life, real life. Literally last weekend was our anniversary weekend. So like pretty important weekend one could say.

Ruben, the anniversary weekend, get out of here. You said you were going to be kind in this part. Go on.

Go on! And so, okay, we're going out for the day and I'm dressing up to go out and I'm coming down the stairs and clearly you are setting up to get out because we're going out together with the girls and everything and in all of this you just look... I don't even think you're fully locked but let's say you look at me and you kind of go, you look great!

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And then off you go doing your own things again. So we fast forward all the way to like hours later, we've come back home and I'm like, you know what? You just haven't really said anything about how I was looking today at all. And you were like, well, have I, I thought I had, I'm not sure. And I'm like, I can tell you, haven't, you've given me an in-pass comment, which I mean, come on.

And that was it. So that is how you don't do it. And we're bringing humor now. This was not, we weren't, I mean, we didn't have a fight on it, but I was a little bit mildly upset for a portion of the day anyways, because it was lacking the two ingredients. And I don't want to give any of that away yet, but that's what it was lacking. So yeah, you can say the words. And I'm sure a lot of people can resonate with that. It's like, my husband tells me,

tells me nice things like that all the time but somehow it's like it just really doesn't do it it doesn't land and why is that because there are these two ingredients missing

Yeah, that was painful listening, but so true. it's a humbling experience to have that brought up again.

To set the scene for guys listening in, what I want guys thinking of is you can see something through a camera, but you can't take a photo without having a camera, without having a power source in the camera. You can literally look through the eyepiece. You can even play with the lens. You can press the button.

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But you're not going to have a photo. You're not going to have a memory of that. It's not going to be of any significance. And that was exactly what happened with me. I took a look. I did. I pressed the button. That was me. I said, you look good. And my mask in my mind not present in that moment. A part of it went box ticked. done. But I didn't have I didn't have the power source. I didn't have the energy in it, the emotion.

so the camera didn't have the battery. Now the energy source for fully seeing your woman, are two key ingredients.

Speaking with husbands, I like metaphors that bring in mechanical stuff and stuff that we can enter. for a moment, I want guys at home to imagine, imagine that you're viewing, think of a Ferrari car. And like, why a Ferrari car? Well, we're really wanting and definitely, I believe your wife is wanting, maybe they might not like being compared to a car, but why a Ferrari car? Because of all the cars on the planet.

The Ferrari is pretty awesome. It inspires all, it's class, it's amazing, it's unique, it's beautiful. It'll stop a guy in its tracks and most guys will go, wow, we'll have a deeper precession. So that's where we're hoping you're relating with your beautiful wife. So imagine there's two ways of seeing a Ferrari car. You could be driving down the road.

and you're driving one way and the oncoming traffic clearly is driving the opposite way. And you can see your Ferrari that way. But it's going to be a really hit and missy experience because you can imagine we've had that. don't see we don't see Ferraris or we don't see Porsches or any these supercars in Ireland. But we will have that so many times when I'm driving. I've passed by a super cool there was a Ferrari one day and I literally was, gee, wow, I think it was.

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Was that a Ferrari? Did you guys see that? And it's this, it's so flash. It's like a flash of lightning. It has happened. I'm like, did I even say it was it? And it was, but my nervous system doesn't get to experience it. So that's one way. And I would say that's exactly how I saw you that morning. I'm.

racing one way in my mind. My body was going nowhere, but I'm racing. I'm thinking whatever and thinking about today. I might even be thinking beautiful things that are directly related to you and to the girls. It doesn't matter or work or. But we're racing in our minds so often as guys and we might glance. Our queens, they're going in the opposite direction. They're in their minds on some other mission, some other A to B.

But we pass them by in the busyness of our minds going one way, the busyness of their minds going another way. We might even say, oh, you look beautiful. But it's in that glancing moment. It does not land. There's zero quality to it. Now there's another way of seeing and experiencing the Ferrari. Imagine instead of being an oncoming traffic, regular road situation, imagine you're coming up to a junction.

So when you drive to a junction, it gets interesting because let's say it's a crossroads. There's one road going one way and there is another road going a different way. So there's two different experiences, two different journeys. And that's really key. There's always two different journeys happening in marriage and it's to accept that and build the conditions. But when you drive down to a crossroads and you're on the side that you must stop.

Now imagine guys listening in, imagine experiencing the Ferrari passing by from there. You've stopped. And purely as a result of stopping, slowing down and coming to a halt, you now get to look and go, the red car. Is that a Ferrari? wow, it is a Ferrari. look at that, man. Look, and whatever the commentary comes through and it drives.

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pass is really up close and you're like, wow, and you even get to hear it because you now are fully cognizant because of being stationary. It's a Ferrari. You're now fully marinating in that moment in time when that beautiful car, you're probably not going to see another one definitely in Roscommon Ireland for another couple of years. So you really appreciate witnessing and having that moment. And in that experience, there are the two qualities.

In that experience of seeing the Ferrari, number one, guys, to fully see your wife, you must come to a halt in a halt in your body. More importantly, a halt in between your ears. Your mind slows down and you drop into the moment and you are fully with your queen in that moment. Like I was not with Matilda.

on our anniversary celebration day. And number two, the other ingredient is awe. There's that reverence. Because you've slowed your mind, you're like, wow.

And you're seeing beyond the superficiality. You're seeing beyond what your queen is doing. And of course, there can be great beauty in what your queen is doing in the moment. But the awe is seeing the depth of the human experience, her beingness, not her doingness. It's who she's being in that moment. It's the virtues, it's the characteristics, it's the qualities of that human experience emotionally. And it's like it's the deepest.

witnessing that is all. I remember having one experience. think it was like the one of the biggest moments in my marriage with you, baby, when it was after a year or so of deep man's work and I was coming to have some idea of what presence was and what slowing down was. But I remember coming back. It was one beautiful summer's day walking back across our yard from where we eat our

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lunch on lovely summer, summer's day. And it was at the end of the lunch and walking back across a part of my mind just said, stop and look over.

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And I literally did that, stopped. Hence the first condition was set and I looked over and you were doing what I'd seen you do thousands of times. You were tidying up, you know, the lunch table and there was a couple of other things and there was like laundry that you were taking down off of the clothesline. My whole nervous system, like my eyes filled up with tears. I was, there was tears running down my cheek.

And that was the all. And I don't even have words to describe what was happening in that moment. It was like I was seeing you for the first time or it's every single cell in my nervous system saw you, knew you and felt your entire beingness. That was a life changing moment. And it was like one of those moments where just deepened my visceral love for you. So there's the two ingredients come to a halt, slow down and

invoke that sense of awe in that moment.

I remember that day really well. I do, because it changes the entire energy then. That pose in that moment, that's slowing down. It actually changes all. And that's why I was saying to the wives listening in at the beginning, this one thing, when she feels fully seen, she feels fully loved. It actually just impacts everything because those posing moment where your man is actually holding and then experiencing all.

they change the texture of the day and they bring connections. So that's why it's so important. So there's like three ways. We said we were going to speak to three different ways. So how do we do it practically, effectively? And that's really important. So again, keep in mind that we're keeping these two ingredients in these three ways that we're going to talk about, because otherwise it falls back into the example we gave at the beginning of the anniversary weekend.

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You said whatever, you even looked at me, but it lacked the stopping and the all. So the first is with silence.

Peace.

Silence, meaning you can communicate that you're seeing your woman through touch, through your eyes. And again, with the slowing down and the what's the quality of that touch? What's the quality of that gaze? I have this one example that we spoke about, I said to you, of being in the market jar that's very busy.

It's a small enough square, but it's busy enough on market day. And you were talking to some people across the yard and I was coming out of a shop because we had gone separate ways to do our things. But you looked at me and we just had this moment where our gazes met, but it wasn't an accidental and pass and then off you go again, because that wouldn't mean anything. It was actually you had stopped.

you had slowed down in a moment and your attention was fully on me and there was that spark of awe in there. And that was like a second. But that made such a difference in the connection that we had exactly for that entire morning. So that's one way, silence, touch and eyes.

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And then speech. The quality of speech that I have come to know and it's the embodiment of the first part. Well, it's both together, but it's communicating when your woman brings you to a halt. You know, and it's done.

in films and movies and it's done, like, you know, it's like depicted by the bunch of young guys, the teenage young guys, and then the grownup woman that's in the, you know, it's in the fancy dress and they all just stop what they're doing. They stop blowing their bubble gum and they stop their sport or they're throwing their ball and they're just gobsmacked as she walks by. It's depicted and we know this depiction. Is that quality and one of the simplest things?

I know we've been having fun with this episode this morning, but it was, was like, wow. Wow. It's the simplest word, but it's like, wow. And then I suppose you back it up with the in silence. It's wow.

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Any communication in your words, it's communicating that essence that in that moment, your beautiful wife has brought you to a halt physically and mentally. You've no words to describe it. It's just boom. You're so fully there. you know, there's a million ways to describe that. Why was the simplest way? I mean, oh, I'm speechless.

my God.

I don't want even go anything beyond that. It's that quality of being brought to a halt. Your whole world has stopped and you communicate that with your speech.

And one thing that I wanna say on these, both these points before I introduce actually my favorite one, the third one is my favorite one. But on these two points is that we've obviously spoken about examples where, I don't know, I had dressed up for the anniversary or something that stopped you on your track that's like radiant and beautiful and whatever. As a woman, I wanna say it actually has...

the same meaning, if not more meaning, when what stops you on your track is ordinary? Or is even not that beautiful as in I could have a moment where I'm feeling quite sad for some reason, or... but I'm in it and I'm in the emotion and you could be passing into the room because you're doing your own things but there is that, I see you.

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and I see what you're feeling. And that also has stopped you on your track. So I actually wanted to bring that in because otherwise for the women, this can be like, does that happen only when I'm at my best? So that is there a pressure that I have to be like constantly at my best to get that? And for the men that that's the only moment is not actually these, these things. And it applies to the third point that I'm going to speak to now as well, but

It's the whole spectrum. It's how much you can see and notice of the whole spectrum. And again, through sight and touch, you can express that if you're seeing that your woman is feeling whatever range of emotion or in whatever moment, you can go close and express that you've seen her where she's at with your touch, with your eyes. And that's just as meaningful. If not, I would argue more.

Yeah, well, the the rational mind of me even breaks it down to statistics. Statistically speaking, in married life, those sort of Instagram worthy moments where you're dressing up to go out, those more typical in this profoundly sick society where women are conditioned, that's when you're off work, when you're there, a really small percentage of lived life. Married life is full of mundane.

The greatest growth opportunity for husbands out there is seeing the 96, 7, 8 % of the mundane, but seeing that depth of what you're saying. And yes, of course, in that small percentage when your queen is more classically, you know, done up and of course milk that dry and that's insanely important as well.

Yeah, so the third thing is secrets. And I like this. You came up with the word, but it just really encapsulates it for me. It's those secrets are those snapshots that only you as a husband would know about your wife. Those little things that only you can notice. And so then.

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You don't need to speak to them in the moment, you I guess this is something that can happen very often. It's like you're looking for something to buy your wife for, like an anniversary, for example, or something like that. But if you've collected these snapshots, you will know the moment that she saw something that just lit her up, but she didn't get. And that's, you know, that's handy information to have. And then when you pull it out,

you know, months later or days later or whatever, there's like, he really knows me. He really sees me. And I mean, if you've had the opposite experience, which is like you receive something that's really so not something that you have ever even looked at, you're like, does he even know me? Does he see me? So that's a little thing. Or you've observed and you know that there's like a certain way that she takes her coffee, that there is a certain way.

We have that in the house, like I have my favorite mug. So it's like, that's her favorite mug. And so if you're making her coffee, you're making it in that mug and you don't have to say it and she doesn't have to tell you. Those are the little snapshots. And you had a metaphor on this. The Hello Magazine photographer that gets in and sees it intimately.

Well, like the Hello magazine and I don't know states and around the world, but the Hello magazine is these types of magazines that takes the celebrity, know, the Prince William and Cage and when I click for that image, God, they were everywhere. But but what's the draw? Well, number one, I believe predominantly it's women that buy those type of magazines. I'm not saying that every woman does, predominantly. But what's the draw in them? It's like the the main

draw and why these magazines pay millions for the exclusive is it's the in behind the scenes. It's when the celebrity couple has their baby. But it's not the posh one out the front of their mansion. It's actually playing with the kid in the back where nobody else gets to see. And that's the part. It's like imagining as guys just, you know, from a mindset perspective, imagine that you

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have the mindset of being the Hello Magazine photographer that's entrusted with going and encapsulating all the mundane behind the scenes where nobody else gets to see. You're seeing that, you have that skill and that's a real quality. I think it lands it. One thing that for this, and it's a point in point, but I really want to bring it, the secrets, and you rightfully,

No, that's really the heart essence of fully seeing your queen. The great tragedy is that most husbands will only become aware of how precious these secrets are when their queen gets a diagnosis of some, like of a cancer, something that they get a phone call on. It happens. Their queen has died. Or you're treating her

You're taking her for granted and then she puts divorce papers on the table. And why does she put the divorce papers on the table? She hasn't been fully seen in 10, 15, 20, 30 years. She's sick of being, of feeling invisible. All of a sudden it spills out from guys nervous systems.

You know, that one thing and she always did that. And it's like that movie with Robin Williams. It's it's her imperfections that made her perfect. I think it was even joking about when she she snores, she snored. It's all the and they are the secrets. They are the precious things. It's the things that will bring every husband on the planet to his knees if they get the divorce papers on the table. And hey, if you know, life can.

throw us a curve ball that we're not expecting. It can and does happen. But I really passionately really want guys to take this on board now, to take this awareness. It is the one thing. But to celebrate it now, not to take our queens for granted now and really fine tune that fully seeing mechanism in us.

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Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah. When she feels fully seen, she feels fully loved. It's really that simple. And again, as women, we don't like to be simplified. And I get it. I really, as a woman, I get it. But it does go at the root of so many things. Think about all the things that annoy you about your husband, that he doesn't notice, that he goes to the shop, but he doesn't bring you back the things that you wanted, because he hasn't seen.

you when you do that, he hasn't seen that that's what you're bringing home. He hasn't slowed down to actually pause and see. it really goes, it branches out into everything. And that's why we brought these as the most important thing and not went lost into so many different variations of it.

And super quick, but it's, I believe, essential to add in. It's the trap in this, I believe, for men is that you're doing it for your woman. And of course, on a level we want to to gift a practice to our queens that lights them up, that makes them feel fully seen and fully loved. There is an immense benefit for husbands to do it because the act

of fully seeing your woman, you're brought back to softness, you're brought back to the real priorities in life. And it helps you not get caught in your career and you blink and 30 years have passed. It helps you. And if it helps you with your queen, hey, the same thing with your kids, it really helps us get out of that motorway in our mind and get into the present moment and see the things that are really the most important things in this life's journey.

Yeah, on that specific one, like when you're talking about slowing down and all these two things are actually proven at this point by research to bring a physiological effect on the body that's actually prolonging your life, making you healthier, making your nervous system healthier. that's just like as a, you know, if you want a little added incentive to actually do that each time that you're slowing down in all.

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That's what you're getting. At the same time, you're getting your wife to soften and to actually just respond to you, which is going to bring a lot of beautiful things and connection in your relationship. So I see it as a win-win.

Absolutely. So the number one takeaway from this is when she feels fully seen, she feels fully loved.

I want to invite every single one of you, if you're a husband listening in, share well, if you're a husband listening in, actually get to work and practice this. That's that's your inspiration work at the end of this. And if you're a beautiful queen that's listening in and clearly, you know, there's some inspiration and you'd really love your husband to hear this. Share it with them. Bring each other in on this conversation. It's the greatest gift you can gift your

your life partner. And it's the heart essence of what Matilda and myself really want above all else is that this is bringing you together in a shared conversation, deepening conversation where you can come and connect as husband and wife and yeah, just happy, healthy, happily ever after comes from that coming together. With that, another beautiful episode. We look forward to seeing you again.

for episode six. And in the meantime, dare to go get what you want in marriage. Bye guys.

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Bye.