<v Speaker 1>Shrinking yourself is not humility.

<v Speaker 2>It is actually fear that's dressed up as peace. I

<v Speaker 2>just want to keep the peace, like I don't want to,

<v Speaker 2>you know what I mean. But you know that it

<v Speaker 2>bothers you. Why do we actually do these things? Is

<v Speaker 2>the question?

<v Speaker 1>Right, Let's get a little bit deep here.

<v Speaker 2>Hey babe, it's Asia Christina.

<v Speaker 1>This is quality Queen Control. What is happening?

<v Speaker 2>Hello, my beautiful angels, welcome back to another episode. Do

<v Speaker 2>we love the look guys today? I don't know, just

<v Speaker 2>came up with it on the fly. Honestly, the older

<v Speaker 2>that I am becoming, my fashion sense is getting absolutely incredible.

<v Speaker 2>It's outrageous. Like I don't know what's happening, but thank

<v Speaker 2>you Lord. Nothing really new to update you guys on

<v Speaker 2>other than you better hype this video. Hype this video

<v Speaker 2>so that YouTube knows that we are here. Quality queens

<v Speaker 2>are in the building. If you're a part of the

<v Speaker 2>A team, why wouldn't you do it? It just makes sense,

<v Speaker 2>you know. So today I want to talk about something

<v Speaker 2>about why playing small can be blocking your blessings. And

<v Speaker 2>this honestly goes across the board, but especially of course,

<v Speaker 2>as it pertains to your romantic dynamics. You know, at

<v Speaker 2>some point in my life I realized in general, the

<v Speaker 2>more that I shrank, honestly, the more invisible I simply became.

<v Speaker 2>And let's just even say, in some romantic dynamics, if

<v Speaker 2>you're not being chosen, you are simply being tolerated. And

<v Speaker 2>you never want to fall in the category of passive reciprocity, right,

<v Speaker 2>So this is just simply going to be a little

<v Speaker 2>conversation that we're going to have for women like us

<v Speaker 2>that are actually self aware, okay, healing, you know you

<v Speaker 2>want to heal, you are also ambitious at the same time.

<v Speaker 2>This is not about bashing anyone, men or anything. It's

<v Speaker 2>honestly about self betrayal, all right, and personal development as well.

<v Speaker 2>So this is basically why you may feel that your

<v Speaker 2>life cannot expand. And it's probably because you are constantly

<v Speaker 2>editing yourself that you become acceptable. And there have been

<v Speaker 2>times in my life and I think that this directly

<v Speaker 2>corresponds to people pleasing. When you are a people pleaser,

<v Speaker 2>as soon as you hear some sort of feedback from someone,

<v Speaker 2>you almost value everyone's opinion of you because you care

<v Speaker 2>about your perception of people, which is not a negative

<v Speaker 2>concept to have on a surface level, right, you want

<v Speaker 2>to be someone that people you know kind of like

<v Speaker 2>the ones that matter, I mean, not everyone. However, when

<v Speaker 2>you're a people pleaser, you tend to edit yourself with

<v Speaker 2>anyone's feedback, criticism, criticism clothed as feedback, et cetera, et cetera.

<v Speaker 2>And you're just turning yourself into a chameleon to try

<v Speaker 2>and adapt to what makes everyone feel acceptable, that you're acceptable, palatable,

<v Speaker 2>all of the things. But what you're not realizing is

<v Speaker 2>you are turning into a bunch of different versions of

<v Speaker 2>what these people want you to be, and you're actually

<v Speaker 2>betraying yourself. What does shrinking actually look like, well, simply

<v Speaker 2>saying that things are fine when it's not. We all

<v Speaker 2>do this. We all do this. We do this for

<v Speaker 2>so many reasons. We do this because we don't want

<v Speaker 2>to be a burden to people. We don't want to

<v Speaker 2>make things seem like it's too much, or in a

<v Speaker 2>romantic dynamic, especially, you don't want to feel like you're

<v Speaker 2>being annoying, you're being a nag. The gag is some

<v Speaker 2>of you actually really are a nag. But anyways, that's

<v Speaker 2>neither here nor there, but you say you're fine when

<v Speaker 2>you're not because you always want people to think that

<v Speaker 2>you're okay. It's honestly something we all do in life,

<v Speaker 2>especially when the actual answer sometimes is a ten minute

<v Speaker 2>popodcast and you don't feel like getting into it at

<v Speaker 2>the moment. You know, shrinking also can look like lowering

<v Speaker 2>your standards that you can avoid conflicts. Well, this is

<v Speaker 2>just as good as it's going to.

<v Speaker 1>Get for me right now.

<v Speaker 2>I don't really want to ruffle any feathers like this

<v Speaker 2>is just what I'm putting up with. But let me

<v Speaker 2>tell you something that the psyche must always be heard, okay,

<v Speaker 2>And because the psyche must always be heard, you will

<v Speaker 2>end up if you fall in these categories as someone

<v Speaker 2>that projects onto other people what you know that you

<v Speaker 2>should be doing. So you'll become a person that all

<v Speaker 2>of a sudden, you're talking about what other people are

<v Speaker 2>tolerating in their relationship dynamics. Meanwhile, you're completely blind and

<v Speaker 2>turned a blind eye to the things you tolerate in

<v Speaker 2>your relationship. I actually knew someone like this once upon

<v Speaker 2>a time, where they were so vocal about everyone else's

<v Speaker 2>relationship and what they would never be tolerating from that person,

<v Speaker 2>and it's crazy how they're dating this person and why

<v Speaker 2>they would marry that person and all these different things.

<v Speaker 2>And then when that person ended up in a relationship,

<v Speaker 2>they became a completely different person. They became a mute,

<v Speaker 2>all these different things. Let me tell you something. They

<v Speaker 2>say pets keep you honest, but so do relationships. Relationships

<v Speaker 2>are really going to show everyone, not even just yourself,

<v Speaker 2>if you really are about that life, if you really

<v Speaker 2>are who you think you claim to be. Right, relationships

<v Speaker 2>are going to show us real quick, if you're really

<v Speaker 2>about that life right, not asking for what you need

<v Speaker 2>It is hard. It's hard sometimes to ask for what

<v Speaker 2>you need because you don't want to come across as

<v Speaker 2>a burden. Listen, I am definitely guilty of doing this myself,

<v Speaker 2>where like I don't. I would rather sometimes handle certain

<v Speaker 2>things on my own, depending on who.

<v Speaker 1>The situation is with. I know that, particularly with friends.

<v Speaker 2>I don't want to put you know, a lot of

<v Speaker 2>responsibility or anything like that on my friends and stuff

<v Speaker 2>like that, but I just like to I prefer to

<v Speaker 2>do things more by myself. And sometimes, Yeah, you do

<v Speaker 2>have a circle in a community for a reason, and

<v Speaker 2>they are there for you to help you in those

<v Speaker 2>moments where you're gonna need you know, their help. But

<v Speaker 2>when you're not asking for what you need, especially as

<v Speaker 2>it pertains so romantic dynamic, that is a cause for concern.

<v Speaker 2>You should feel comfortable to you know, the person that

<v Speaker 2>you're with you're sharing all these things with, you should

<v Speaker 2>feel comfortable to come to them and ask them for

<v Speaker 2>what you need. You shouldn't be ashamed of that. And

<v Speaker 2>with that being said, corresponding with not asking for what

<v Speaker 2>you need is making yourself easier instead of just being honest. Girl,

<v Speaker 2>you know that that bothers you and you don't want

<v Speaker 2>to do that, but you're.

<v Speaker 1>Yeah, yeah, no, that's fine. Uh No, that's fine, we

<v Speaker 1>can do that.

<v Speaker 2>This actually reminds me of the whole Taylor Swift thing.

<v Speaker 2>Do you guys remember that whole debacle about And please

<v Speaker 2>correct me in the comments if I'm wrong, but remember

<v Speaker 2>that whole thing with like Kanye saying that, hey, he

<v Speaker 2>called her and contacted her in regards to letting her

<v Speaker 2>know that he wanted her to be a part of

<v Speaker 2>his song, he was going to say what he was

<v Speaker 2>going to say about her. And the thing is I

<v Speaker 2>can hear in Taylor's voice. She was uncomfortable, and sometimes

<v Speaker 2>you have people that are a little bit of a

<v Speaker 2>terrorist to so to speak, like Kanye, where you want

<v Speaker 2>to say what you're going to say, but you're nervous

<v Speaker 2>to vocalize your opinion because you're just so taken aback

<v Speaker 2>that somebody would even approach you with this, so you

<v Speaker 2>tend to just be like, Okay, it's fine. I heard

<v Speaker 2>Taylor's uncomfortability when he was reading her the lyrics, and

<v Speaker 2>she did not want him to produce that song. She

<v Speaker 2>didn't want to be a part of any controversy with

<v Speaker 2>Kanye literally at all. But she just kind of was

<v Speaker 2>like if you even heard her response, she was like,

<v Speaker 2>I mean, you don't care, so like you're going to

<v Speaker 2>do it anyways, right. I think at that point she

<v Speaker 2>kind of arrived at the conclusion of, well, does it

<v Speaker 2>really matter or what I think, because clearly you're calling me,

<v Speaker 2>and if I tell you you know that I don't

<v Speaker 2>feel comfortable with this, then like now it's awkward between us,

<v Speaker 2>maybe because I don't you are coming to me with

<v Speaker 2>all this enthusiasm, like you really feel like this is

<v Speaker 2>a great idea, but there is a people pleasing part

<v Speaker 2>of you that is just like, okay, I will just

<v Speaker 2>deal with the uncomfortable consequences after. But as you grow

<v Speaker 2>in wisdom and you grow older, you should release yourself

<v Speaker 2>of the shackles of people pleasing even think about this, lady.

<v Speaker 2>Is when you go to the nail salon and you

<v Speaker 2>don't like your nails, but you sat there and paid

<v Speaker 2>for your nails when you don't like them. That is

<v Speaker 2>one of the biggest lessons that I've had to learn

<v Speaker 2>in life, is to just start being vocal with any

<v Speaker 2>and everything you know doesn't mean and if that person

<v Speaker 2>is going to take it in offense, and who cares,

<v Speaker 2>I don't like it, I'm done. And of course it's

<v Speaker 2>uncomfortable to do that in certain scenarios, like sometimes when

<v Speaker 2>you're getting your hair done and certain stylists are doing

<v Speaker 2>a certain style and you're like, what actually is this?

<v Speaker 2>And some of them have a nasty attitude, and you

<v Speaker 2>would rather just shut your mouth, But you have to

<v Speaker 2>realize you're sacrificing how you're actually feeling, and you're the

<v Speaker 2>one that's going to have to sit with the consequence after.

<v Speaker 2>So you are betraying yourself because you would rather just

<v Speaker 2>let it be Meanwhile, you're enabling and allowing people like

<v Speaker 2>this to think that you're okay with whatever the circumstances

<v Speaker 2>because you're not speaking up for yourself. I think maybe again,

<v Speaker 2>Taylor in that position could have been like, you know,

<v Speaker 2>this sounds really funny, and honestly, I do appreciate your enthusiasm,

<v Speaker 2>but if I'm being honest, I think considering our past

<v Speaker 2>and everything, it does make me feel a little uncomfortable

<v Speaker 2>to say this specific line. And I totally understand that

<v Speaker 2>it's for it's sat tire and all the things, but

<v Speaker 2>it just makes me uncomfortable in general to kind of,

<v Speaker 2>you know, associate myself with it. I know that might

<v Speaker 2>not be what you want to hear, and it honestly

<v Speaker 2>is uncomfortable for me to vocalize, especially being someone that

<v Speaker 2>is a people pleaser. Like she could have worded it

<v Speaker 2>like that, but again, that takes more life experience and

<v Speaker 2>maturity to be able to word things in that way

<v Speaker 2>so that you can start to let your yes b

<v Speaker 2>yes and your nobi no, just like even with your nails.

<v Speaker 2>Really you can say, like, you know, if you know

<v Speaker 2>as soon as you starts a clock that you don't

<v Speaker 2>like that design, and you don't like that color. I

<v Speaker 2>don't know what it is with certain nail salons. I

<v Speaker 2>don't go to traditional nail salons I get. I'm off

<v Speaker 2>the press off press on life. Guys, Might I add

<v Speaker 2>sidebar like, oh my gosh, my nails got so damaged

<v Speaker 2>from the press on Life. I think it's because me,

<v Speaker 2>like I have very sensitive nails.

<v Speaker 1>I cannot take care of my nails myself.

<v Speaker 2>Babe, my nail lady, I haven't gone to her since Sember.

<v Speaker 2>I just went back to her literally yesterday. She said,

<v Speaker 2>I am concerned for you your nails, so I get

<v Speaker 2>hard jail manicures. My nail lady is Ukrainian, so I

<v Speaker 2>used to get the Russian manicures, and now I get

<v Speaker 2>hard jail manicure with Ukrainians and they are the best.

<v Speaker 2>Like when I tell you, my nail tech is so

<v Speaker 2>talented and she's so passionate about what she does, like

<v Speaker 2>I actually love her.

<v Speaker 1>I love the entire salon.

<v Speaker 2>AnyWho, if you're clocking that you don't like a design

<v Speaker 2>or something like that, just say, wait, I don't really

<v Speaker 2>love that color. Do you think we could do something else?

<v Speaker 2>Like you don't let them get to all ten fingers

<v Speaker 2>and then you're uncomfortable. They're uncomfortable because they just did

<v Speaker 2>all ten of your fingers.

<v Speaker 1>You know, you don't really like it.

<v Speaker 2>You just keep staring at it, hoping that they're going

<v Speaker 2>to pick up on the cues. No, you have to

<v Speaker 2>say something. You're gonna have to speak up for yourself.

<v Speaker 2>I'm telling you, or you're just going to continue to

<v Speaker 2>let people walk over you and it's going to come

<v Speaker 2>to a boiling point.

<v Speaker 1>Right.

<v Speaker 2>You have to speak your mind, because I'm telling you,

<v Speaker 2>while you're doing this, other people are going to be

<v Speaker 2>testing you and trying you. I remember I used to

<v Speaker 2>be friends with a couple people in my life that

<v Speaker 2>just made me so uncomfortable at certain points with the

<v Speaker 2>things that they would say, the things that they would do.

<v Speaker 2>The first time I encountered behavior that made me very uncomfortable,

<v Speaker 2>I didn't respond. I didn't know how to act. I

<v Speaker 2>wasn't really sure what to say because I was just

<v Speaker 2>so stunned that somebody would treat me like that or

<v Speaker 2>say something like that to me.

<v Speaker 1>And you kind of.

<v Speaker 2>Think in your head, like, oh, if you heard this

<v Speaker 2>story that you would say this to that person, you

<v Speaker 2>would say that, But like you you'd be shocked, you freeze.

<v Speaker 2>You honestly don't know how to respond in certain moments,

<v Speaker 2>especially when you've encountered something for the first time. And

<v Speaker 2>then I encountered that behavior again in another person, and

<v Speaker 2>I very much knew how to navigate it from that point,

<v Speaker 2>and I was able to make a graceful exit because

<v Speaker 2>I knew, Okay, I'm seeing themes of that type of

<v Speaker 2>behavior and yeah, I'm out.

<v Speaker 1>I'm not dealing with that.

<v Speaker 2>And you know, I tried vocalizing at one point before

<v Speaker 2>it got to that specific point how I felt, and

<v Speaker 2>I thought everything was fine, but then I had to

<v Speaker 2>make the decision I made. Anyways, I say all that

<v Speaker 2>to say, like making yourself easier to be around just

<v Speaker 2>so that you can keep the peace instead of being

<v Speaker 2>honest is not something that's going to work for you

<v Speaker 2>in your adulthood.

<v Speaker 1>Babe.

<v Speaker 2>I'm sorry, I'm sorry, but it's not It's not going

<v Speaker 2>to work for you. You have to be honest, and honestly,

<v Speaker 2>life feels better when you are honest. How good does

<v Speaker 2>it feel to know that your friends are actually your friends?

<v Speaker 2>How good does it feel knowing that you can walk

<v Speaker 2>into a room or leave a table and know that

<v Speaker 2>the girls weren't talking about you behind your back as

<v Speaker 2>soon as you got up. How good does it feel

<v Speaker 2>to know that you're showing up as authentically as possible?

<v Speaker 2>You know in a relationship, you're mantic relationship and that

<v Speaker 2>man actually likes all of you. You're not keeping up

<v Speaker 2>a persona in any capacity, so you know, you feel

<v Speaker 2>so confident because he actually knows you, he actually loves

<v Speaker 2>you for you. You're not putting on any You're not

<v Speaker 2>putting on for the put one, if you know what

<v Speaker 2>I mean? All right, or even being chill when you're

<v Speaker 2>actually disappointed.

<v Speaker 1>That does you no good.

<v Speaker 2>And people love doing this, especially in romantic dynamics, acting

<v Speaker 2>like things don't bother you when they in fact do.

<v Speaker 2>Then when you blow up, when you get more comfortable

<v Speaker 2>with that person, they're looking.

<v Speaker 1>At you like, wait, I'm so confused.

<v Speaker 2>You weren't acting like that the first time this happened

<v Speaker 2>or whatever.

<v Speaker 1>The case is.

<v Speaker 2>Well, you know what, it actually always bothered me, and

<v Speaker 2>I'm finally just saying something about it now. Yes, there

<v Speaker 2>will probably come a time in your life where you

<v Speaker 2>will encounter a situation like that for the first time,

<v Speaker 2>but there shouldn't be a second, a third, and a

<v Speaker 2>fourth time. Where as you get into new relationships and

<v Speaker 2>new dynamics, that that becomes a theme where you're always

<v Speaker 2>holding on. No, you should have learned from the first

<v Speaker 2>time somebody made you made you feel that way, or

<v Speaker 2>you made somebody feel that way. Okay, this doesn't work.

<v Speaker 2>I'm gonna be honest. I'm gonna address this without feeling like,

<v Speaker 2>oh I just I just didn't want to be annoying.

<v Speaker 2>I just would have know if it bothers you now,

<v Speaker 2>it's going to continue to bother you when you get

<v Speaker 2>locked into any sort of dynamic. Those same issues that

<v Speaker 2>once bothered you exasperate, they don't dissipate. Okay, all right,

<v Speaker 2>Shrinking yourself is not humility. It is actually fear that's

<v Speaker 2>dressed up as peace. I just want to keep the peace,

<v Speaker 2>like I don't want to, you know what I mean.

<v Speaker 2>But you know that it bothers you. Why do we

<v Speaker 2>actually do these things?

<v Speaker 1>Is the question?

<v Speaker 2>Right, Let's get a little bit deep here. Well, one,

<v Speaker 2>the fear of abandonment. You also want, and what people

<v Speaker 2>don't realize is these behaviors are unintentionally sometimes manipulative. Right,

<v Speaker 2>you want people to stay around you. So you're just

<v Speaker 2>trying to show up in this capacity so that you

<v Speaker 2>know it keeps the peace. You're not ruffling any feathers,

<v Speaker 2>whatever the case is. But it's going to come to

<v Speaker 2>a boiling point where you're going to explode and you're

<v Speaker 2>not going to want to The real you is going

<v Speaker 2>to want to show up. The real you is going

<v Speaker 2>to arrive. Trust me, you cannot keep on the facade

<v Speaker 2>for long. You can't, all right, Also, wanting to be

<v Speaker 2>chosen more than you want actual alignment, Well, this directly

<v Speaker 2>corresponds to well, honestly, this corresponds to all types of dynamics.

<v Speaker 2>Sometimes you can have a certain friendship that you don't

<v Speaker 2>want to let go of because of the appearance of

<v Speaker 2>what it looks like, and you don't want to make

<v Speaker 2>it seem like you have no friends and that you're

<v Speaker 2>alone and all these different things. So this is why

<v Speaker 2>you would rather or at least this person chooses to

<v Speaker 2>be around me rather than you know what, I don't

<v Speaker 2>care to let this situation go because it's not aligning.

<v Speaker 1>I don't care. And then, of.

<v Speaker 2>Course, even in relationships, romantic dynamics more than anything, we

<v Speaker 2>see this dynamic being present where you are know, okay, this,

<v Speaker 2>I don't really think that I'm seeing this whole entire

<v Speaker 2>situation through.

<v Speaker 1>But you would rather go as.

<v Speaker 2>Far as humanly possible because you don't want to start again,

<v Speaker 2>because you don't want to be thirty five and not married.

<v Speaker 2>All your friends are having kids, and this is the

<v Speaker 2>step that you feel like you should have arrived at

<v Speaker 2>in life, and why are you not there yet? So

<v Speaker 2>you would rather have somebody, anybody next to you, And

<v Speaker 2>that's why you've got You've jumped through hoops and you've

<v Speaker 2>done a lot of gymnastics in order to force your

<v Speaker 2>alignment with somebody that you are not aligned with. And

<v Speaker 2>after a while when you were, when you're constantly operating

<v Speaker 2>with those antics, you can't tell what's real and what's

<v Speaker 2>not anymore because you've just done so much legwork that

<v Speaker 2>you don't even know man like did I actually manufacture

<v Speaker 2>this relationship or is this a natural thing?

<v Speaker 1>You can't tell, and that becomes an issue. Right.

<v Speaker 2>Also, Sometimes being submissive or agreeable, right, is why people

<v Speaker 2>want to do things. People also want to do things

<v Speaker 2>even for sometimes religious conditioning. And that says a lot, right,

<v Speaker 2>Because I am someone that identifies as a Christian. But

<v Speaker 2>sometimes this is the difference between relationship versus religion. There

<v Speaker 2>is a massive difference when you truly have a relationship

<v Speaker 2>with Jesus Christ, right, because God can be anything to anyone.

<v Speaker 2>And I stand ten toes down on that. I believe

<v Speaker 2>in Jesus Christ, meaning Jesus Christ is God for me.

<v Speaker 2>That's what I believe. You will encounter people of all

<v Speaker 2>walks of life that claim right. They're speaking, you know,

<v Speaker 2>Jesus God with their lips, but their hearts are far

<v Speaker 2>from God. And you know, just for the sake of

<v Speaker 2>seeming like they are a certain way, they are trying

<v Speaker 2>to perform within a certain parameter to be agreeable and

<v Speaker 2>docile and all these different things, when they're actually nothing

<v Speaker 2>of the sort. So you're just faking the funk essentially, right.

<v Speaker 2>And then some people have this lie that they believe

<v Speaker 2>that love is pretty much earned through endurance. These are

<v Speaker 2>gonna be the types of woman who genuinely do believe that, oh, well,

<v Speaker 2>we've been together for so long, like going through trauma

<v Speaker 2>equates to we must belong together, going through a lot

<v Speaker 2>of turmoil equates to history and why we should be together.

<v Speaker 2>We've been together for three years. We've been together for

<v Speaker 2>seven years. We've gone through so much. I've taken him

<v Speaker 2>back when he cheated. I've taken him back when he

<v Speaker 2>did this and did that, and he took me back

<v Speaker 2>when I did the And that equates to you as, oh, well,

<v Speaker 2>we've endured all of this. We must we must be

<v Speaker 2>meant to be together. This has to be love because

<v Speaker 2>of all that we've gone through. No, not necessarily, because

<v Speaker 2>at the end of the day, if being chosen is

<v Speaker 2>going to cost you your voice, then that's not love.

<v Speaker 1>That's called that's what that's called.

<v Speaker 2>And if every time you're having to have a conversation

<v Speaker 2>over and over again about uh, it's like you're hitting

<v Speaker 2>reset on your relationship were you're always having to have like, uh,

<v Speaker 2>this communication issue, and you're always having a conversation about

<v Speaker 2>being real And you think every step you make, Okay, finally,

<v Speaker 2>I think we're gonna be good now because we finally

<v Speaker 2>got that layer done, that layer done, But then the

<v Speaker 2>onion just keeps on peeling. That's a cause for concern,

<v Speaker 2>all right, the cost of shrinking yourself. All right, this

<v Speaker 2>is the wake up call that the cost of shrinking

<v Speaker 2>yourself is gonna come with resentment. You're functioning in this

<v Speaker 2>on a day to day basis, but you're gonna become resentful.

<v Speaker 2>And if you're not gonna identify that you are becoming

<v Speaker 2>resentful in your own dynamic, you are going to start

<v Speaker 2>resenting other people because it's triggering something in you that's missing.

<v Speaker 2>You will also have a loss of identity. We hear

<v Speaker 2>people say it all the time. I lost myself in

<v Speaker 2>that relationship. It can happen because you were performing within

<v Speaker 2>a certain parameter that was not you. You didn't have

<v Speaker 2>a voice right. Also emotional exhaustion. It is exhausting to

<v Speaker 2>be anything other than yourself unless there's some sort of

<v Speaker 2>clinical issue here where there's a scale. You're on the

<v Speaker 2>scale of narcissism to some degree, and you're okay with

<v Speaker 2>trying on a bunch of different identities and performing within

<v Speaker 2>a certain parameter before you dispose of people.

<v Speaker 1>But for people that are that do not.

<v Speaker 2>Have any sort of clinical diagnosis or issues around that,

<v Speaker 2>you should find it to be exhausting to be anyone

<v Speaker 2>other than yourself. You should want to give up the

<v Speaker 2>charade at some point in your life and approach relationships

<v Speaker 2>from the standpoint of you know what, I don't care

<v Speaker 2>about me being liked by you more than I value

<v Speaker 2>and care about do I like you? Does this align?

<v Speaker 2>And am I able to be one hundred sent myself

<v Speaker 2>around you? Or am I lying to myself and trying

<v Speaker 2>to you know, piece things together to create a beautiful

<v Speaker 2>puzzle thinking that that's you know, this is a beautiful picture.

<v Speaker 1>But really I created it. I made it.

<v Speaker 2>It should exhaust you to not truly say how you feel,

<v Speaker 2>because your desires matter more than what the reality of

<v Speaker 2>the situation is.

<v Speaker 1>Okay.

<v Speaker 2>Also, like I said, your relationships plateauing, babe, it is

<v Speaker 2>a data point if every time you turn around, people

<v Speaker 2>are disappearing from you. It is a data point to

<v Speaker 2>turn around and realize, why do my relationships always get

<v Speaker 2>to a specific point and then things always drastically turn around.

<v Speaker 2>That is not everyone leaves me, everyone just goes all

<v Speaker 2>these different things. No, that is because there's something in

<v Speaker 2>you that is causing these situations, that's attracting these types

<v Speaker 2>of dynamics.

<v Speaker 1>It's actually a data point.

<v Speaker 2>In the name of self awareness, you should be able

<v Speaker 2>to sit in that discomfort so that you can let

<v Speaker 2>that be the catalyst of change.

<v Speaker 1>Because you can't change what you don't acknowledge, Babe.

<v Speaker 2>If you're in denial but reality is saying otherwise, then

<v Speaker 2>I beg to defer.

<v Speaker 1>Okay.

<v Speaker 2>Also, when you are someone that shrinks yourself, you will

<v Speaker 2>attract partners who actually like to control you. Right, You're

<v Speaker 2>not attracting partnerships, you are attracting control. People are mistaking

<v Speaker 2>your you know, people that mistake your kindness for weakness,

<v Speaker 2>people that are looking for victims that are not going

<v Speaker 2>to speak up for themselves. They're looking for someone that's

<v Speaker 2>just going to put up and shut up and not

<v Speaker 2>say anything. And they think that if you vocalize your opinion,

<v Speaker 2>that's you being disrespectful, that's you talking back, that's all

<v Speaker 2>the things. No, you're allowed to be your own person.

<v Speaker 2>They think that you're supposed to perform within certain parameters.

<v Speaker 1>That's how they feel.

<v Speaker 2>The thing is, you're not going to be losing people

<v Speaker 2>when you stop shrinking, right, But you're definitely going to

<v Speaker 2>lose the attachments to things that made you feel like

<v Speaker 2>you're small.

<v Speaker 1>And that's the thing about me.

<v Speaker 2>If I'm gonna be transparent with you, guys, I feel

<v Speaker 2>like throughout certain friendship dynamics in my life. There is

<v Speaker 2>duality to myself where yes, I show up online all

<v Speaker 2>these different things. I am a confident person. In my friendships,

<v Speaker 2>I am very very kind, you know, very supportive, and

<v Speaker 2>I would honestly say very like humble, and I have

<v Speaker 2>a lot of humility. And I know that sounds crazy

<v Speaker 2>for me to probably label myself as such, but one

<v Speaker 2>of my best friends just told me this about myself yesterday,

<v Speaker 2>so I'm just repeating it, and I thought that was

<v Speaker 2>really nice and kind. And I think some individuals that

<v Speaker 2>have been in my life in the past they mistake

<v Speaker 2>that humility and my humbleness for genuine weakness, so they

<v Speaker 2>try and test me. And because I don't do people

<v Speaker 2>the way that they do me, I just don't really

<v Speaker 2>care to have the energy to go back and forth

<v Speaker 2>with you and to go total toe with you, and

<v Speaker 2>you know you're doing this to me and then I'm

<v Speaker 2>doing this to you like I'd rather just be done.

<v Speaker 2>And so for some reason, some people they mistake that

<v Speaker 2>as like, oh, she's not playing the game, she's she's

<v Speaker 2>you know, she's out, she you know, she's weak, and

<v Speaker 2>it's like, no, I actually just don't care. But some

<v Speaker 2>people I've also come to learn they do have to

<v Speaker 2>be checked or they're going to continue to try and

<v Speaker 2>test you, and they're going to think that you're enabling

<v Speaker 2>their behavior, whether you realize it or not, because they're

<v Speaker 2>going to think that everything that they're doing is okay.

<v Speaker 2>So by time you finally speak up for yourself, they're

<v Speaker 2>sitting here feeling like, well, you didn't have a problem

<v Speaker 2>me doing this before.

<v Speaker 1>All these different things.

<v Speaker 2>It's because some people have never encountered certain personalities like

<v Speaker 2>that before. And also, let's be honest here, let's call

<v Speaker 2>a spade a spade. It's never easy to tell somebody

<v Speaker 2>that you have a problem with like how they're showing up.

<v Speaker 2>It's not easy to tell your friend, hey, you literally

<v Speaker 2>just lied about an event that I was there for

<v Speaker 2>and told the story in a different way, like you

<v Speaker 2>were a history revisionist, and you told it with such

<v Speaker 2>conviction it actually made me feel very uncomfortable. Like, let's

<v Speaker 2>be honest here, that's not lost on us that sometimes

<v Speaker 2>having these tough conversations is really it's so uncomfortable that

<v Speaker 2>you would rather just not even deal with it at all,

<v Speaker 2>And you have to desern whether or not you want

<v Speaker 2>to do that. So a lot of the times you'll

<v Speaker 2>take mental note and say okay, and then you wait

<v Speaker 2>till the next thing happens. The next thing happens just

<v Speaker 2>as egregious as the first thing, and that just becomes

<v Speaker 2>the norm. Next thing you know, you're just taking mental note,

<v Speaker 2>mental note, mental note, until it hits a boiling point

<v Speaker 2>where you're just like, all right, I have just I'm

<v Speaker 2>fed up with this person. But they because you didn't

<v Speaker 2>say anything any of those other times. You didn't even

<v Speaker 2>give a small little clapback that indicates that you have

<v Speaker 2>some grit in you. They're so used to you just

<v Speaker 2>being quiet and docile that they're blindsided by how you've

<v Speaker 2>been feeling. But really, you've been feeling these feelings all along,

<v Speaker 2>but because of that person's personality, it's hard to bring

<v Speaker 2>to their attention. And that person's probably feeling like, well,

<v Speaker 2>if I'm this way, then why don't you say this

<v Speaker 2>to me before all these different things, not realizing well,

<v Speaker 2>it's your personality and how you come across clearly lacking

<v Speaker 2>accountability and awareness that makes someone feel that way.

<v Speaker 1>Some people also.

<v Speaker 2>Could feel that way on their own, but I have

<v Speaker 2>found in my experience a lot of the times, it's

<v Speaker 2>because this behavior goes unchecked. Certain people's behavior goes so

<v Speaker 2>unchecked they're used to performing in a certain way with

<v Speaker 2>all their relationships that it's jarring when someone tells them like, hey,

<v Speaker 2>this absolutely does not work for me, because now to them,

<v Speaker 2>it feels like you're insulting who they are, whatever their

<v Speaker 2>identity is attached to. They feel like you're insulting that.

<v Speaker 2>They're not used to people actually vocalizing how they feel

<v Speaker 2>in a friendship. So it's uncomfortable to sit in that

<v Speaker 2>conflict and to sit in that the adversity of Okay,

<v Speaker 2>where do we stand now that this is out in

<v Speaker 2>the open sort of thing, because it's especially depending on

<v Speaker 2>how the longevity of the relationship, it's almost like, okay,

<v Speaker 2>well where do we stand from here? Where's the dynamic

<v Speaker 2>going to go? But again, in friendships, there is elasticity, flexibility,

<v Speaker 2>Transparency is required, Honesty is also required. But sometimes I

<v Speaker 2>find that people that are very very I hate to

<v Speaker 2>say it, but just like messed up. They don't know

<v Speaker 2>how to perform, how to be a good friend, They

<v Speaker 2>don't know how to be a good partner because they're

<v Speaker 2>cause playing both roles that they cannot hear the truth

<v Speaker 2>about themselves because it will just crack the mask of

<v Speaker 2>who they think that they are. AnyWho, Like I said,

<v Speaker 2>when you are shrinking yourself, you were going to attract

<v Speaker 2>people that like control, and this goes in friendships and whatever.

<v Speaker 2>So this caused me to question was I shrinking myself

<v Speaker 2>in certain dynamics?

<v Speaker 1>And I absolutely was. That's the truth.

<v Speaker 2>I was shrinking myself and not standing in my power.

<v Speaker 2>And somehow the line between humility and shrinking got blurred

<v Speaker 2>and really made certain individuals think that I was really

<v Speaker 2>the one to play with. Luckily, lessons have been learned

<v Speaker 2>and I no longer am that way. However, for some reason,

<v Speaker 2>I guess it was, Well, one, you want to showcase like, hey,

<v Speaker 2>like I am a kind person. You also want to

<v Speaker 2>be liked, right, you genuinely do. So it's hard when again,

<v Speaker 2>you come across very strong personalities that are just crass

<v Speaker 2>and strange, and you're just like, I don't even know

<v Speaker 2>how to respond to this person because I can't believe

<v Speaker 2>they have this much audacity to do these things, to

<v Speaker 2>say these things like what do I do from here?

<v Speaker 2>Where do I go from here? And you just get

<v Speaker 2>sucked into it, and then everything just comes to a boiling,

<v Speaker 2>a screeching boiling point, and then you're just like, screw it,

<v Speaker 2>I don't even care. I don't care where like this

<v Speaker 2>relationship even goes anymore, because honestly, I've been done with

<v Speaker 2>you for a long time. That's just the honest truth, right.

<v Speaker 2>But if your friendship cannot survive being honest and transparent

<v Speaker 2>and saying what your grievances are, then it's just it's

<v Speaker 2>just never gonna work out. So when you are learning

<v Speaker 2>to actually expand yourself, you're walking in your truth. It's

<v Speaker 2>going to require a lot of discomfort. You're gonna have

<v Speaker 2>to come to the revelation and the realization that hey,

<v Speaker 2>this is how everyone is feeling about me that I

<v Speaker 2>care about. Maybe I should consider listening to them. I

<v Speaker 2>shouldn't shut them down. I'm realizing a lot of uncomfortable

<v Speaker 2>truths about myself that I have to come to terms

<v Speaker 2>with the person that I thought that I was. Maybe

<v Speaker 2>I'm not that person because these people have a difference

<v Speaker 2>in opinion. It's gonna be very, very uncomfortable, to say

<v Speaker 2>the least. What's required of you to stop letting these

<v Speaker 2>circumstances happen to you to stop being a victim of

<v Speaker 2>constantly shrinking yourself all the time. Right, It's also going

<v Speaker 2>to require you to establish boundaries and stand on them too.

<v Speaker 2>Stand on your boundaries, because what you're not realizing is

<v Speaker 2>the people that have eroded at your boundaries they don't care.

<v Speaker 2>They're gonna show up the way they're gonna show up regardless.

<v Speaker 2>You ever met someone with a very strong personality. They

<v Speaker 2>say anything that comes to their mind, but they seem

<v Speaker 2>practically incapable of receiving any sort of criticism about themselves.

<v Speaker 2>It's funny how that works. It's funny how this person

<v Speaker 2>can say the meanest, crass, nastiest things about someone, but

<v Speaker 2>the second they hear a comment like hey, I didn't

<v Speaker 2>like what you did, they're so insulted by that. It's like,

<v Speaker 2>wait this, I'm what is landing in your ears? That? Like,

<v Speaker 2>it's like I'm almost saying, you know, I don't know,

<v Speaker 2>like I did something to your mom or something like

<v Speaker 2>what is your deal? I'm not understanding why the simple

<v Speaker 2>thing that I just said is so offensive to you. Meanwhile,

<v Speaker 2>the way you speak is actually crazy. Have you ever

<v Speaker 2>met someone like that? Yeah, I'm willing to bet you have.

<v Speaker 2>You also have to be comfortable. Let me be abundantly

<v Speaker 2>clear here. You need to get comfortable as you are

<v Speaker 2>coming into your own get comfortable with people misunderstanding you.

<v Speaker 2>I don't care to clear rumors up. Believe whatever you

<v Speaker 2>want to believe. I don't care. I really don't, because

<v Speaker 2>at the end of the day, if people are going

<v Speaker 2>to be determined to misunderstand you, let them mail Robin's theory.

<v Speaker 1>Let them.

<v Speaker 2>I genuinely am comfortable with certain people never hearing my

<v Speaker 2>side of the story, saying whatever they want to say

<v Speaker 2>about me. I don't care because I realized I do

<v Speaker 2>not value certain people's opinion. And if I was in

<v Speaker 2>a relationship with someone and I realize, okay, this doesn't

<v Speaker 2>work for me anymore, and I try to bring it up,

<v Speaker 2>but I see that it's not working, this person is

<v Speaker 2>not receptive to it.

<v Speaker 1>Then I know longer value what it is that you think.

<v Speaker 2>You have lost that right in my life, Okay, I

<v Speaker 2>no longer value what you think, which means I am

<v Speaker 2>going to show up differently.

<v Speaker 1>Okay.

<v Speaker 2>So that means we could just agree to disagree. It's

<v Speaker 2>up from here. It's never going to be what it was.

<v Speaker 2>Letting people misunderstand you is one of the biggest keys.

<v Speaker 2>You do not need to go defending yourself to every

<v Speaker 2>single person. You don't need to literally fight every single war,

<v Speaker 2>defend every sentence. Let it be and you know what,

<v Speaker 2>to weak people, this is going to look like guilt.

<v Speaker 2>Oh well, it must be true, because she'd even say anything.

<v Speaker 2>A lot of the times, what people don't realize is

<v Speaker 2>people that love, that have the most raw, raw response

<v Speaker 2>and all these different things, they're usually actually the ones

<v Speaker 2>that are wrong in the situation. It's the people that

<v Speaker 2>are quiet a lot of the time and trying to

<v Speaker 2>process and understand what they just endured that are usually

<v Speaker 2>the ones that are actually the victims in the situation

<v Speaker 2>that need to be heard. I have found that to

<v Speaker 2>be the truth about a lot of things. When you're

<v Speaker 2>experiencing something extremely traumatic, it's not your usual go to

<v Speaker 2>to just hop on the internet or be screaming from

<v Speaker 2>the rooftops what you just encountered. Usually you are more

<v Speaker 2>quiet because you're just try you're stuck. You're trying to

<v Speaker 2>figure out what just happened to you and how to

<v Speaker 2>give words to what just.

<v Speaker 1>Happened to you.

<v Speaker 2>But people that have so much energy behind telling their

<v Speaker 2>story and running to this person and that person and

<v Speaker 2>that person. They want to get in front of it

<v Speaker 2>because they want to be in charge of the narrative.

<v Speaker 2>Interesting how that works, all right, So let people misunderstand you,

<v Speaker 2>I mean really, out of all of this, please let

<v Speaker 2>people misunderstand you.

<v Speaker 1>A lot of people will have a lot of opinions

<v Speaker 1>of you.

<v Speaker 2>And to be honest, it's none of your business what

<v Speaker 2>other people are thinking about you, right, it's actually none

<v Speaker 2>of your business. If they're gonna think that great doesn't matter,

<v Speaker 2>has nothing to do with the price of tea in China.

<v Speaker 2>You're also going to have to choose growth over chemistry. Yeah,

<v Speaker 2>you connect with this guy, you're so attracted to him

<v Speaker 2>all the things, but you know that there's something going

<v Speaker 2>on here that you know, this is repeating a little

<v Speaker 2>bit of a pattern that I want to get away from.

<v Speaker 2>But you feel that chemistry with this guy. Probably lust,

<v Speaker 2>but you feel this chemistry with this guy. You want

<v Speaker 2>to keep it going, but you already know, deep down

<v Speaker 2>in your heart the answer is no. Okay, so you

<v Speaker 2>have to choose growth over chemistry, all right at certain times, well, actually, no,

<v Speaker 2>all the time, you need to choose growth over chemistry.

<v Speaker 1>Period.

<v Speaker 2>If you know that something is just not really serving you,

<v Speaker 2>why continue to go down that path of talking and

<v Speaker 2>engaging with a person that you don't have kids with

<v Speaker 2>this person, You're not married to this person, you're not

<v Speaker 2>living with this person. I don't get it, Like, what's

<v Speaker 2>really holding you here? I understand it could be emotions

<v Speaker 2>and all these different things, but it's like, you know,

<v Speaker 2>you can't just continue to choose the intimate moments that

<v Speaker 2>you have over the fact that this could be this

<v Speaker 2>is a toxic dynamic, right, And then you also have

<v Speaker 2>to trust that the right connection is not going to

<v Speaker 2>require you to completely erase yourself. The right connection for

<v Speaker 2>you is going to require you to show up fully

<v Speaker 2>self actualized as yourself, and there will.

<v Speaker 1>Be no issue with that.

<v Speaker 2>We, for some reason, seem to be conditioned as women

<v Speaker 2>to think that we have to try and earn the

<v Speaker 2>affection of men to be liked by them. You're pretending

<v Speaker 2>to be interested in football when you are not. You're

<v Speaker 2>pretending to be interested in all the things that he

<v Speaker 2>likes in all his hobbies when you're not, simply because

<v Speaker 2>you want to get with him.

<v Speaker 1>Then when you do, and the.

<v Speaker 2>Mask starts to fall, and he wants to watch football,

<v Speaker 2>thinking that's what you guys bond over, and you don't

<v Speaker 2>want to do it. He's sitting here confused, like, well,

<v Speaker 2>why did you switch up? But really, you realize I

<v Speaker 2>never liked it. I was just tolerating it. I was

<v Speaker 2>putting up with it. You have desires of your own

<v Speaker 2>that you want to do with your partner and explore

<v Speaker 2>and all these different things, but you're not doing them

<v Speaker 2>because you're too busy trying to transform into something that

<v Speaker 2>someone they would want instead of just being yourself. That

<v Speaker 2>takes real, actual maturity. The right connection for you is

<v Speaker 2>not going to require you to literally erase hearts of yourself.

<v Speaker 2>What and think about it, Even from a faith perspective,

<v Speaker 2>God is not going to bless who you pretend to

<v Speaker 2>be be so for real, all right, He's going to

<v Speaker 2>bless who you actually are. That's the difference. So the

<v Speaker 2>questions to ask yourself is well, why am I minimizing

<v Speaker 2>myself so I could keep this connection? Ah, we've all

<v Speaker 2>done it. I don't even want to hear it. We've

<v Speaker 2>all done it. And answer this honestly in the comment section,

<v Speaker 2>where am I minimizing myself to keep a connection. You'd

<v Speaker 2>be shocked with the answers here in how many of

<v Speaker 2>you probably are doing the same thing. What would I

<v Speaker 2>say if I was not afraid of the outcome? This

<v Speaker 2>is going to be juicy. I do want to hear

<v Speaker 2>what you guys have to say with that. Who benefits

<v Speaker 2>if I stay small? What version of me is trying

<v Speaker 2>to be born? So at the end of the day,

<v Speaker 2>we have to realize that. Listen, You're not meant to

<v Speaker 2>be palatable to every single person, right What is that saying?

<v Speaker 1>Like you, you.

<v Speaker 2>Know, may not be someone's cup of tea, if you

<v Speaker 2>like shamp if they like champagne.

<v Speaker 1>I don't know, you guys know what I'm talking about.

<v Speaker 2>There's some sort of quote that mentions tea and champagne

<v Speaker 2>or something like that. You were, however, meant to be powerful.

<v Speaker 2>You're meant to be honest, You're meant to be whole,

<v Speaker 2>You're meant to be all of yourself. So sit with

<v Speaker 2>the discomfort. That's where people skip the self and what

<v Speaker 2>people skip and self growth.

<v Speaker 1>They skip the discomfort. They hate being alone.

<v Speaker 2>They hop from this and this and that, and what's

<v Speaker 2>crazy is these people are so great at identifying these

<v Speaker 2>issues in others because they don't realize that it actually

<v Speaker 2>stems from something that they've done, that they are doing themselves,

<v Speaker 2>but they love calling it out in others as though

<v Speaker 2>that actually takes place and does the healing for them,

<v Speaker 2>you know, them being able to identify it in other people.

<v Speaker 2>Make sure that you were journaling journal honestly, because some.

<v Speaker 1>People we did.

<v Speaker 2>You guys hear about that thing on GBT where some

<v Speaker 2>people were saying that chat GBT just exacerbates.

<v Speaker 1>Whatever narrative you tell it to.

<v Speaker 2>Like, if you tell CHATGBT a version of your story,

<v Speaker 2>of course it's going to give you feedback based off

<v Speaker 2>of that version. But I don't know if you maybe

<v Speaker 2>program it to just tell you the truth and things

<v Speaker 2>like that, then maybe it will be different. But case

<v Speaker 2>in point of this is that lady that had that

<v Speaker 2>series that talked about how her therapist she was in

<v Speaker 2>a relationship with her therapist or something of that nature,

<v Speaker 2>and it turns out she kind of wasn't and she

<v Speaker 2>was consulting with her chat GBT, and chat GBT was

<v Speaker 2>literally like feeding her actual delusions and her mental illness,

<v Speaker 2>which made her actually think that she was in fact

<v Speaker 2>in a relationship with her therapist and it led to

<v Speaker 2>all this drama, et cetera, et cetera. Literally, this is

<v Speaker 2>on TikTok and this happened a while ago, so this

<v Speaker 2>is nothing, you know, really new. But the point is

<v Speaker 2>is that some people are just like leaning on chat

<v Speaker 2>G to filter through their emotions, not realizing it's just

<v Speaker 2>feeding them into their own delusions of grander even more.

<v Speaker 2>All right, and lastly, what I want you to do

<v Speaker 2>is I want you to share this episode with the

<v Speaker 2>woman that you feel is shrinking herself right now. Okay,

<v Speaker 2>remember this shrinking is not humility, it is fear. This

<v Speaker 2>person won't like me if I show up exactly as

<v Speaker 2>I am. This person is not going to like me

<v Speaker 2>if I showcase, if I walk in the fullness of

<v Speaker 2>who I am, because it threatens them, So you dim

<v Speaker 2>your light so that it's more palatable for them. I'm guilty.

<v Speaker 2>You should not lose people. The more you expand as

<v Speaker 2>a person, you shouldn't. The wrong ones, of course, will

<v Speaker 2>fall off. And being a low maintenance person is honestly

<v Speaker 2>just high levels of abandoning yourself. It's self abandonment. So

<v Speaker 2>that is the end. Of this episode my loves. With

<v Speaker 2>that being said, do not forget that I love you

<v Speaker 2>and God loves you, and I'll speak to you, beautiful

<v Speaker 2>angels in my next EPO soap Why