All right.

The clause that makes your parenting plan almost impossible to fix.

My name is Sam.

I write parenting plans.

Like that's what I do.

Right.

And I think it's so valuable to understand that it can be written by my team

even, but not be a hundred percent.

And there needs to be clauses in your parenting plan for when it's

not written a hundred percent.

Because maybe things change, maybe something happened, maybe somebody moved.

You need to be able to have wording that tells you next steps.

But parents assume that they can just fix any parenting plan later, right?

Well, if, if we forgot that paragraph, we'll just go and fix it.

if we realize we don't like that, we'll just go change it.

No, it's not that simple.

Courts don't work that way.

Once the plan is signed, it's signed and there's no like, eh, you know,

we went through a year of holidays and we don't like that schedule.

We wanna change that.

Judge, can you just change the times instead of two o'clock, we

wanna do 8:00 AM the next day.

But most people don't realize the parenting plan was written so

poorly until months or weeks later.

Again, when they go to use it and they're like, whoa, wait a second.

This is bad.

This doesn't work for my kids.

This doesn't work for us.

But parents believe that fairness.

Matters more than the paperwork, right?

So like when attorneys and judges and everybody and mediators are making these

parenting plans, these standard plans, they're making it to where it's fair,

but yet it's not gonna be fair because there's a high conflict person involved

or somebody that just doesn't feel the same way anymore and there's nothing

in there that helps us understand what happens when we have conflict or things

aren't fair, or it's not written clearly.

This whole concept.

I hear this all the time from Well, I'll just go back and fix that later.

Yeah, I only have a 2-year-old, so I'll just put that in there later.

I'll just go back later.

A what?

Do you know how this works?

Literally, let's spell this out real quick.

If you get divorced when your child is two and you only build

a parenting plan for daycare.

I can tell you with about 98% accuracy that you are gonna argue

about what preschool, if you have a high conflict situation.

So when she literally turns three the following year and you wanna put her

in preschool, God forbid even four, hell, let's even talk about kindergarten

and you wanna put her in kindergarten.

You think that's gonna be an easy topic?

That's just gonna be a let's get together.

Let's work this out.

But when you have a parenting plan that's only written for the age your

child is right now, you have no choice but to go back and modify that plan.

Now, when you wrote that child for the only age of two, what did it say

were next steps on how to go back?

I got a few clauses that it might say.

So let's dive into those shitty clauses that parenting plans made by

Larry's that are standard language.

Let's break 'em down about how bad they suck.

First and foremost, these are just common clauses that you will see all the time.

All right.

A court shall not modify this parenting plan absent a material

change in circumstance, period.

So if you go to court and you say, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

You didn't write down clear holiday times?

Well, the court can't change it unless there's been a change of circumstance.

What do you mean court?

You gave us a really vague parenting plan.

You did not put times, you put the both parties.

Thou shall share holidays and split them reasonably.

We can't do that.

So tell us what to do.

Oh, well we can't change it.

'cause there hasn't been a change of circumstance.

Now again, there's no legal help here today.

I'm not an attorney.

I'm not your attorney.

I'm not an like, I'm not even an attorney.

I'm a mediator, certified trained.

What I want you to do is to make sure, a couple things.

Number one, you already have your holidays, which we've talked about in

other episodes, but that you have a list of what is a change in circumstance?

Is it that somebody moved?

Is it that somebody married and changed jobs?

That could be a whole one itself changing jobs, or God forbid there's a change in

the children's behavior or wellbeing, which you would have to have medically

proven because you know, hearsay and high conflict, people hate that.

You think the children are struggling.

They think the children are doing fine.

Next one, any material change must be substantial and continuing in nature.

Directly impact the best interest of the children.

So not only does it need to be a substantial, like it needs to be some,

a bomb needs to like happen, whoa.

It's a big deal and it needs to continue.

It can't just happen once, can't just happen once, has to be continuing

in nature to directly impact the best interest of the child.

So again, such vagueness.

Continuing is one time.

Obviously that doesn't mean that it has to continue.

Okay?

So once a week.

Twice a month, six times a year continues to happen every holiday.

There's only six holidays I get, but all six, they end up fucking 'em up.

But is that enough?

Is that substantial?

Again, how is substantial fucking measurable?

It's not.

How is continuing?

Measurable?

It's not.

So we have these sins in here that I can't measure anything against.

'cause if I say tomato, they say tomato.

If I say three times is too many, they say, oh, not till 10.

Okay, then fucking put 10 in here.

I've literally had a case with a client who went to court over

something that continued to happen.

Continued to happen.

She documented.

She documented, she proved it, and the judge said, well, you know,

you've only been documenting like the last six months, so once you

get a year and a half come back.

So then why didn't you put that in there?

Why did I just pay a lawyer to represent me?

Prep me, come with me.

We're talking thousands of dollars just to be sitting at that table at that point.

For you to just say, Hmm.

I think it needs a little more salt for you to just say, Hmm,

I think this case needs a little 18 months of, documentation.

But in the meantime, sir, shake my finger at you.

Please stop doing that.

I'm getting frustrated again, and I know you are too.

All of these subjects are just so triggering and bothersome of like, I

think those of us that have dealt with high conflict, we see it so clearly.

Just don't be an asshole and follow the rules.

But you have to have rules to follow.

And so if your parenting plan doesn't say, you can change and modify it and

work together to do that, or go to a mediator and do that, you're screwed.

So let's go over the last one.

The party seeking modification bears the burden of proving a material and

of substantial change in circumstance.

This sounds kind of good, except for we have those same words again.

That substantial is not, what is that?

What is the definition of that?

You know, measurable.

But the thing is, is bears the burden of proving.

Doesn't say burden of cost.

Doesn't say I have to pay.

Right?

So this is just a blank statement, but it doesn't say specifics.

So when I'm sitting in my, my case and I've, I've been trying to co-parent.

We've been divorced for let's say two years in this hypothetical, and I'm

like, man, this just keeps happening.

It keeps happening.

I'm like, I need to go back and modify this 'cause I'm sick of

them coming and bringing the kids back two hours late every Sunday.

It's been happening for years and I'm over it.

I want the two hours back.

This is insane.

And I have to go, not only improve, okay, maybe I prove that

it's happening continually, but.

Does it have an impact on the children by bringing them home two hours late?

And here's what judges and and lawyers will tell you, but aren't

the kids thriving at school?

Aren't the kids doing well?

Aren't the kids, you know, okay.

And you're like, yes, but I'm missing out on two hours every Sunday.

That's mine.

And they just bring them back late and this is ridiculous.

So these words around modification, especially if you are divorcing someone

who is high conflict or has the potential or the person they're gonna start dating

is high conflict, third party rule.

You have to have specifics in here of how can we make sure we need to be

able to enforce or modify this thing.

It's gotta be able to be enforceable.

It's gotta be able to have consequences.

It's gotta be able to clearly say we go to court for that.

That is violation, that is contempt instead of this.

Well, I mean, is it, is it really continuing?

I that one Sunday, I brought him back on time.

That one Sunday.

You did?

I actually brought her back an hour early.

So you can't say it was every Sunday.

Substantial.

I mean, it's not that big a deal.

Two hours.

Okay.

Only do it for an hour from now on, right?

So the plan lists the rules, vagueness these clauses, but no consequences.

No, like immediate.

Hey, if you bring 'em back late, you lose time.

Boy, wouldn't that be fucking great?

There's no automatic responses to the violation.

It's all this it, Sam, Sam.

Just document it, okay?

Keep track of it.

Keep your Excel sheet, you know, open at all times on your computer and your phone

and just keep documenting your life away.

All for me to take you, you know, back to court with you as the attorney.

And they're gonna get their finger shaking at them and say, don't do that again.

Now, I'm not saying, I know I'm a Debbie Downer right now about the family court

system, but I think I have good cause.

Some things are contempt and some things are easily enforceable and

some things are easy modifiable.

You know, I've seen parents lose their rights.

I've seen parents get their rights taken away.

I've seen parents lose their custody time, but I can tell you those exact

stories 'cause they're on one hand and I've been doing this 10 years.

What I can do is tell you all the times that I've had clients go back to

court for modifications and contempt charges, and they get the finger shake.

Don't do that again.

You need to try harder.

Show up for your children, do better next time.

And it's like, do better.

Are you like, look, all the evidence I brought you, look at all

the documentation I brought you.

Vague consequences may seek court intervention.

Okay?

But then when you go to court, in most states, they just

order you to go to mediation.

okay, so I'm gonna go to some soft spoken mediator, which

some of them are attorneys.

Love that for you.

some are, therapists.

Okay.

Whatever.

Do your research on your mediator know what kind of medical or what kind

of educational background they have.

That's a little tip there.

May seek, doesn't say the court will, it just says they

may seek court intervention.

You may be denied by the court.

I've seen people file a contempt in court, uh, against their ex and the judge.

No, not worthy enough.

Not worthy enough.

Not worthy enough, not worthy.

Over and over again.

There's no penalties.

There's no escalation.

It's just documented.

Sam, document it.

Well, you know when you have enough.

But like I said, I had the one client came back in six months and the judge

was like, Hmm, let's let it go for 18.

When he keeps doing this for 18 months, then I will punish him.

Fast forward.

Spoiler alert, no punishment happened.

Why?

Because high conflict people do what?

When you threaten or file contempt, what do they do?

They become squeaky fucking clean rule followers, and then you look like an

idiot when your court date happens.

I'll give you an example.

You file contempt 'cause your ex is always late by an hour,

an hour, an hour, six months.

You get sick of it, you file contempt.

Soon as you file contempt, you get a court date.

That's six weeks out in those six weeks.

But time you file to your court date, your ex brings those kids

back every fucking time on time.

And then when you stand in front of the judge and you say, Hey, for

six months that person was late for over an hour, they stand up and go,

but I've been on time for six weeks.

All she had to do was tell me it bothered her, and I would've

been dropping them off on time.

Judge, I have emails saying that I, it did bother me.

Yeah, but I didn't know you were that serious.

I can't believe we couldn't have figured this out on our own.

Do you hear the violins playing in the background?

Do you hear 'em?

Because I do, because that's what high conflict people are like in court.

Oh, I didn't know.

I, I, I, I didn't know and I didn't understand that was such a big deal.

Oh, I'll just bring 'em back and they will for another two weeks after court.

And then what starts happening?

45 minutes and we're back to an hour by the third fucking visit.

But again, if you file contempt the same process, they'll go squeaky clean

for a few weeks, and then you'll look like a crazy person in court that you're

making shit up or that they've improved.

And why are we even here?

I've had judges say that.

Why are we even here?

You filed contempt, that they're always late.

I see paperwork that they've been bringing on time.

Uh, well, of course.

So I have to spend money with my attorney to file contempt

every time I want them to behave.

What?

It's so ridiculous.

Contempt.

I'm sorry.

My own personal opinion, not legal advice.

Here is a joke.

Unless you have severe cases with severe evidence, that's substantial.

Again, love that word.

Right?

What does that mean?

Picture worthy documentation.

Worthy scientific data.

Not opinions, not feelings, not thoughts and theologies fucking facts.

Fucking pictures.

That's the only thing that sticks.

You going up and being like, I feel.

Like they're an asshole to the kids.

I feel like they're talking shit about me.

I feel it.

None of that.

Why?

Why are you go throw money outside and light it on fire?

It'll be a better surprise of what happens than going to court

and just saying stuff like that.

Stop taking your feelings to court.

Take your facts to court.

Yeah.

I know your ex is talking shit about your kids.

I know that they're high conflict.

They have no friends.

They have no filter, they have no ability to monitor themselves, so

they're spewing all kinds of shit to your young, single digit children.

I know they're doing it.

You're doing it.

But when you go to court and say, Hey, I really feel like they're oversharing

to the children and, and talking about a adult context to the children, and

I want it to stop, that judge will be like, first off, that judge will be

like, there's no way someone would talk like that in front of your children.

You're like, sure.

Shit.

Fucking as the day is long.

Absolutely.

They are.

There's just this thing where judges don't believe there's parents out

there that are this fucking dumb and brutal to their children, but they are.

And then we're filing contempt on it.

Please make them stop.

That never fucking works because they get the sir in this case, stop talking

about your case to your children.

That's bad.

Okay.

I wasn't, but if she thinks I am.

Okay.

And then kids come home three weeks later, Hey, dad said you

owe him money, blah, blah, blah.

He said this about the case.

He said, you're doing this and the judge hated you, and the judge said

you were wrong and the judge, da da da.

And you're like.

Oh my gosh.

So inside the next chapter, it's a monthly membership we run for women.

Sorry guys, but we tried it for guys and nobody bought.

we talk about workarounds.

When you have an X like this that keeps doing things like this to your

children, we coach workarounds, but let's keep it up, keep it going.

When it comes to these clauses, read again, how can I

enforce and punish with this?

Right?

So read the plan.

Assuming there will be conflict, there just will be conflict.

Okay?

Read it that way.

Ask what happens.

If they don't comply, does it say what happens if they don't

bring the kids back on time?

Now, I'm, I posted a social media, slide about this the other day and

I said this, and again, I'm just a rational common sense kind of,

girl, and here's what I think.

I think you bring those kids back late.

You get 'em late.

It's that fucking simple for me.

You wanna bring them back late on a Sunday and keep 'em for two extra hours.

Your Wednesday visit is supposed to start at four.

It starts at six.

Oh, I'm sorry, it ends at seven.

Shit outta luck.

Bring the fucking kids back on time on Sunday and your Wednesday would be better.

I'm about immediate consequence.

Immediate.

That's it.

Because when we don't give immediate consequence and this

draws out, that draw out period shows them we're complacent with it.

We're okay with it.

Then the court system's like, well, you let it go for six months.

Yeah, I needed fucking six months worth of documentation, 18 months.

If I go over to this guy over here, we have to have clear

definition in our wording so that we know when can we file contempt?

What does it say?

Six months of documentation, 18 months of documentation,

approval data, scientific data.

We wanna make sure it's, it's clearly written on how can I prove contempt?

Because if you can't prove it.

I'm sorry.

This is just my own 2 cents of doing this for so long and living this life myself.

Going to a court system that's jaded and doesn't understand personality disorders

and mental health and how fucking ruthless people can be with their children.

You are getting nowhere but literally throwing money away again.

Go throw it in the front yard, light it on fire, and watch it go.

It's faster, it's easier, less painful.

Then going and going and asking a court system that's uneducated

about what you're dealing with.

They don't understand the dynamics of high conflict.

They don't understand narcissism.

They don't understand manipulation.

They don't understand that people could do this to their own

fucking flesh and blood children.

You're asking them for help.

I mean, I did.

It was a joke.

It's why I spent six figures in the early two thousands, which would be probably

300,000 at this point in this decade.

Find workarounds.

How do you get your kids help?

How do you, how do you deal with the time management thing?

I once had a mom, and again, if you know me, I'm gonna jump around a lot.

So if that's not your personal way you like to listen, this isn't the

podcast for you, but I had a mom that was just absolutely adamant

about really sticking it to her ex 'cause he wasn't following the rules.

And she was like, Sam, he shows up late.

On purpose because he knows I leave for work.

And so he shows up late, which makes me late for work.

And she's just like, this motherfucker, like he knows that I run a business,

he knows I have people waiting for me.

The door is not unlocked until I get there, yada, yada, yada, yada.

And she goes, I've been to court trying to get him to be on time.

They keeps saying, just show up.

And then he keeps failing and he is bringing our daughter back, you know,

not on time, not on time, and I have to get to work, blah, blah, blah.

And I take her to the daycare mode.

And so I just looked at her and I said, have somebody at

your house, they can take her.

Pay the money to have grandma nanny.

I don't care who neighbor sitting there waiting for whenever he wants to gra you

with his fucking presence with your kid back or to pick her up 'cause he is late

picking her up and dropping her off.

But you don't miss a dime at work.

Or option two Second workaround.

Give somebody else the keys at at work.

Somebody is now the fucking assistant manager and can open the doors.

But when they know, when high conflict people know they can fuck

with your day, consider it fucked.

Consider if, if you show them what rattles you, they will rattle it every single day.

It's who they are.

They can't help themselves.

You are the kryptonite to them.

They love the way it feels to see you in distress, to see you

pissed off, to see you angry.

Why?

Because you give them attention.

By doing so.

I can't believe you do this to me.

You're now, you made me late for work engagement.

They don't care if it's positive or negative.

You're talking to them.

That's engagement.

They fucking love that.

They love that they rattled you.

They love that they got to you.

They love that they've made you so upset.

It's who they are.

That's not who you are.

You get upset when you've made somebody bothered.

Right.

If you made somebody late, can you believe you would feel bad for weeks?

Oh my gosh.

I'm so sorry.

I did not mean to make you late.

I am so, so sorry.

How can I make this up to you?

I promised her now on, I'll be 10 minutes early.

Oh God.

Like are you okay?

Did anything happen at your job?

If so, I can call.

I can write a letter.

I can swing by.

I'll lemme send flowers.

They're like, oh, she's upset.

Noted.

Next week, 35 minutes late instead of 30, this is who they are.

And then we're in the driveway going, yeah, 35 minutes late.

Thinks fucking a lot.

Now I'm, and we are rattled and we explode.

And then they go, ah, got her again.

Damn.

She's easy.

If you don't pick up on this cycle and change your, you've gotta find

workarounds, workarounds, workarounds.

Inside the next chapter, I literally give you every workaround I ever

invented in dealing with high conflict because they don't fucking stop.

They lay awake at night going, okay, how can I fuck up my co-parents day tomorrow?

And again, this may sound extreme for some people listening, this is not the

podcast for you, but those of you are the listening going, oh my God, this

sounds exactly like my ex welcome.

You are amongst others dealing with the same crisis.

Absolutely.

So this kind of concludes our first five part series on.

Parenting plan clauses that you just want to avoid.

And again, I can't give you legal advice, but I can just tell you,

don't let somebody pressure you into signing something that you

know, just doesn't feel right.

It doesn't sit right in your stomach.

It's just, it's questionable.

You're like, and here's the other thing.

Don't sign something that you don't even know what the words mean.

I've read parenting plans.

I've literally had to have a thesaurus next to me or chat open

going, what does this even mean?

And if I had to do that, do you think your ex is gonna take the time to do that?

Hell no.

They're just gonna do what they want and play down and be like, oh, I

didn't know that's what that meant.

You have to write plans that can be enforced or easily read by

a court system to enforce them.

That's what I do.

I educate, but I also write.

But you have to understand this is your future with your kids.

So in this podcast, we are gonna break down the nitty, the gritty,

the detail, the why is it like this.

We're gonna tell stories, we're gonna interview.

We're going to just dive into the family court system, and

we're gonna tell the filthy, ugly truth with cuss words included.

About scenarios and strategies and just overall common sense that

we all should just be taking and applying to our everyday life.

So if you're in high conflict, welcome.

I am here for you.

Follow along, subscribe.

Listen, I don't want you to go anywhere.

I want you to get through this divorce with grace and dignity and also five

extra dollars in your pocket that I can help save you on something.

But I want you to get clarity that the court system is not built.

In favor of you.

It's built to keep the industry going, making the money it can make, and along

the way, you're gonna get bothered by it.

And I want you to know that you're not alone and that I'm here to make sure

that you have the strategies in place, that if something does happen, there's

a workaround or there's strategy, or there's just, you know what it happened.

Let's face it.

Head on and deal with it and move on.