All right.

This is an impromptu podcast as I was live and someone asked me a question

about mediation and I instantly felt like my heart rate going up, you

know, starting to get sweaty and.

Mediation is where I loved, I loved mediating couples and

I started out as a mediator.

I really started out just helping people with their paperwork.

Like I would find friends and family who were going through a divorce,

coworkers who referred from, you know, my uncle's going through

a divorce, can he talk to you?

'cause my case was so brutal and I was still teaching, and

I slowly became a mediator.

Went and got certified and I loved it.

I loved having two people in front of me that wanted to get divorced,

but what I realized is I was helping a bunch of amicable people.

I was helping two people that just turned over the page and said, you know what?

I don't wanna be married to you.

You don't wanna be married to me.

Let's just end this.

And it realized I had nothing in common with them.

That was not my case.

My case was ugly.

My case, literally, I walked into mediation.

So did he.

And it was this matter of fact.

Moment where he just said, no, I'm not doing this because I'm gonna take her

to court and I'm gonna get the kids.

So it was this like instantaneous, oh my gosh, this isn't gonna work.

Mediation is not for us like most people.

Yeah, we went to mediation like three or four times and we, you

know, we wrote our parenting plan.

I was like, oh, okay, cool.

Sounds awesome.

We went to mediation and he was like, she doesn't even deserve Mother's Day.

Okay, well that's great.

my mediator at the time, you know, let us exit and upon exiting she just said, you

need to prepare for a court battle 'cause that man is not gonna work with you.

I.

Awesome.

This is great.

This is, news to me.

I didn't know what I was doing at that point, guys.

I don't have the knowledge I have now.

I was literally like just a puppet.

I had no idea if my lawyer said do this, I did this.

If my friends that were divorced said, do this.

I did this.

So I became a mediator and I started helping all these

people that were married.

And then I realized I wanted to help people who didn't have it

easy, who had the same situation I did, where it was absolute hell.

Right.

And so that's when I started writing these parenting plans and really

helping people understand how to go into mediation with a high conflict

person ready to go, ready to go.

Like don't walk in thinking like I did.

I walked in with like a notebook to take notes and I walked in with

the school calendar, but I thought we were gonna, I really did.

And then again, it sounds dumb.

Now knowing what I know about my ex-husband and about high

conflict people in general.

I walked in thinking my intentions were good.

So will his, my intentions are kid based, so will his be, my intentions

are, let's get this shit done.

So will his.

My intentions were, I can't afford this shit.

Let's get it done.

So were his.

So I thought that was not true.

So when I say go into it with your plan.

I need you to literally walk in the door with your parenting plan.

Yes.

You, Stacey, you know Kim Levon with your fucking plan in your hand

already written and you're saying, Sam, but that's the mediator's job.

No.

No, it's not.

The mediator's job is to get you both to agree on your plan, to

get you agree to a parenting plan.

Didn't say who's.

It could literally be the one that you brought with you.

Now, why do I want you to have the plan?

Number one, don't trust your mediators.

I was one.

Don't trust us because I have a vision of what I think is

good, but I don't know you.

All I read was your name and a couple other small details.

I don't know you, so I need to really know.

More about you in the sessions.

Yes.

And I can help you create, but wouldn't you know best being the parents?

Wouldn't you know exactly what you want for your future to look like?

And I'm here to guide you and I'm here to get you to get along to write it down.

So I want you to walk in, not just because the mediator may fail you, and talk

about all the other clauses we've already talked about in other episodes that

are vague and not measurable, and leave it up for interpretation and are gray.

The mediator might not cover all the subjects that I talk about, especially if

you're gonna be a high conflict situation.

In co-parenting, we need to cover the ins and outs, and so I want you to walk into

mediation so you don't get frazzled and allow the mediator to forget a subject,

like the details around parenting time or the details around change of circumstance

or the details around your vacation.

You bring those with you to mediation.

I don't care if that mediator gets offended because last time I checked,

it's your future, not the mediator's.

But I want you to walk in with your plan already wrote out.

Maybe just in bullet form, maybe just in your handwriting, I don't care.

Or you could have us do it for you, but I want you to walk in with everything down

on paper because I don't trust a mediator.

I don't.

I want you to know what you're asking for.

The other part of why I want you to go in prepared, well educated with

stuff wrote down is because I can talk all kinds of shit to myself.

I'm ready for this.

This is go, let's go time.

Let's go to mediation.

Woo.

I'm gonna see my ex. I'm gonna be okay.

It'll be, I'll be fine.

I'll be fine.

And then you see your ex and all that goes out the fucking window.

You lose your mind.

Your heart starts racing, your stomach hurts.

You gotta poop your back all of a sudden starts clenching up.

Your jaw's locked.

Your mind is racing of a hundred things and you're like, vacation.

yeah, I know.

Hold on.

Vacation.

Sam said, don't do this.

What'd she say not to do?

Shit, I forgot.

Do you wanna be that person?

Because I'm gonna tell you what high conflict people see you struggling.

They don't stop talking.

They don't stop getting under your skin.

They'll keep going and they'll keep going.

And most mediators aren't trained in high conflict either, and they'll let

'em keep going and not tell 'em to shut up and sit down like I would.

You have to understand that you have someone here that does not like

you sitting in mediation with you.

For them to wanna work with you.

Slim chance.

I wanna go into it prepared to where if they start running their

mouth, I can stick to, this is what Sam said about vacation.

She said, make sure we have this, this, and don't forget this, so I don't,

even when they're wrapping their jobs, you know you can't afford a vacation.

You know, only your parents can help you afford a vacation.

What?

Who do you think you are?

You don't need a vacation?

We haven't taken a vacation in 10 years.

Why are you taking a vacation?

Blah, blah, blah, blah.

You, you have to have it down because here's a little spoiler about your life.

You're going through hell right now.

It's a divorce.

It ain't ugly.

it's not ugly, again, go buy a lottery ticket and share them.

It's ugly.

You are broke.

You're emotionally stressed out.

You're psychologically second guessing yourself every second of the day.

You're probably not being the best parent, and again, the finances are killing you.

If I haven't already mentioned that before.

The thing is, is your life won't always look like this, but the parenting

plan is written for the future.

So if you go into mediation and you know, your ex talks you into a week vacation

or no vacation because they don't wanna spend money on a vacation, and they get

you to agree to that, that's problematic.

That's problematic because now my future self, who's awesome, regulated

emotionally sound and has a better job with great finance support.

Now I can't go on a vacation because my simple emotionally broke ass mindset

agreed to no vacation or one week only.

I'm gonna give you this one for free 'cause I'm just feeling generous.

Realize your vacations can be used when your ex refuses a special occasion.

I'll give you an example.

Had a client whose sister was getting married to her like sweetheart, right?

Of course the sister picked the weekend that she wanted.

She didn't go to her other sister, be like, Hey, when do you have your kids?

She picked a weekend to have her wedding as she should.

And then my client realized, oh fuck, she picked the weekend

that my kids are with their dad.

So my client was like, Hey, can I have the kids, you know, Chloe's

getting married, blah, blah, blah.

She wants the kids to be the room bearer and flower girl.

Can we have the kids this weekend?

High conflict ex no.

No, no reason, just, no, this is her sister's wedding, right?

These are her nieces and nephews.

They're probably gonna wanna be there, right?

So I'll move this story on faster.

Basically what you have to do here is use one of your weeks of vacation to

fill the gap and say, okay, you said no.

Perfect.

Then I'm gonna take a week vacation, starting on this, Friday

to next Friday, and I make sure the wedding is in that timeframe.

The right shit your ex can say about it.

Again, if your parenting plan is written, the way we write parenting

plans, and again, you can catch all this if we build your parenting

plan, you can catch all this.

If you take the masterclass, the details are in those two services I offer.

This is a podcast to get you thinking and getting yourself prepared.

Mediation is a place to work together if you can.

But if you're in high conflict, there's a good chance mediation will not work.

So what better place and time than to slide a 25 page parenting

plan over and say, Hey mediator, let's cut some costs down here.

I already have my thought wrote out.

Can you work from this and get him or her to sign or edit or come to

some of these things so we can cut our costs down please, and thank you.

I'll sit here, I'll wait.

Yeah, I'm up to compromise.

This is a starting point.

This is a rough draft.

This is a first draft.

When you walk in there taking nothing with nothing and you think that that's gonna

be okay, you're gonna leave that and get maybe even halfway to the car before you

have a full on panic attack and diarrhea and be wanting to smoke and drink and

realize I just fucked myself because I, for some reason, thought they were

coming in with the same mindset I did.

Here's the other half of that with how fucking awesome the internet is

now, and all these social media places and all these, you know, how do you

know your ex isn't following me and getting well versed in this shit.

It's happened.

It's happened.

I've had two clients slide the same parenting plan over to

each other and go, oh shit.

You worked with Sam?

Yeah, I worked with Sam and they both came prepared.

You have to make sure you take something with you.

'cause if you know high conflict, people will run the show.

First off, they will talk the whole hour as you're sitting there

paying like Tiffany $500 an hour.

You're just sitting there listening to them talk about the past.

You're the one that cheated or you're the one that took the money.

I'm the one that deserves the kids they're just talking.

Mediation is not a place for evidence.

Mediation is about what are we doing for vacation?

What are we doing for Christmas morning?

What are we doing for birthdays?

What are we doing for communication?

That's what mediation is for.

You have to take that with you because you are gonna lose your mind.

Your ex can say your triggering comments, which again, I go into this.

And a whole thing called the Prep bundle series too, where I, I talk about if

you have court, if you have mediation or you have an evaluator, I literally

give you a checklist of everything to say and not say and to focus on.

But I won't get into that in much detail here, but I'll just

tell you, your ex knows you.

When my ex said first 10 minutes of mediation, she doesn't

even deserve Mother's Day.

Do you think I heard that and went, oh yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Of course, he thinks that.

Unbothered?

No.

I looked at him and I said, what the fuck did you just say?

And it went on.

She doesn't deserve Mother's Day.

I'm gonna take those kids from her.

She's fucking crazy.

I'm sorry, what'd you just say?

Mother's Day like.

What the fuck are you even talking like I lost it.

I spiraled because I was like, who says that you're gonna get Father's Day?

I'm gonna get Mother's Day.

'cause of the mediator.

My mediator.

She started with it.

She goes, Hey, I know you guys don't get along.

You know, I know about your case.

It looks pretty rough for you guys.

I think we can both come to the agreement that we will start.

With holidays.

'cause those are pretty easy.

It's set in stone.

There's certain holidays, and this is her talking.

She's like, this is an easy one.

Let's just start with Mother's Day and Father's Day.

Boom.

Instantly she's not getting Mother's Day.

I came unhinged.

What the fuck are you talking about?

I just paid this woman back then, I think it was like $180 per person to

be sitting here within 10 minutes.

you've already said no to the easiest fucking one to start with.

So I, say that because some of you are dealing with that type of person

who just says no because they can.

And high conflict people love a day in court.

Man, let's just not get that twisted.

They love the pomp and circumstance.

They love the dynamics.

They love the dramatics.

They love the attention.

They love that you're going poor by having to be there.

That's what they really love.

They love that it costs you $500 an hour to bring your attorney.

They love that.

Every time they send something, they know you run it past your attorney.

They love that they're here for that.

Mediation is no different.

It's their playground.

They're gonna tell the mediator what a piece of shit you are.

They're gonna tell the mediator, they're a better parent.

They're gonna tell the mediator, all this hearsay,

wasting valuable time.

And so time is money.

Nothing's free in this world, especially in divorce.

So except for this podcast, you have to make sure that you walk in

with your parenting plan in writing.

Start to finish.

Yeah.

I know.

Our kid is five.

I can get them all the way to graduation with this thing.

Yes, I can.

Yeah.

I took a class.

I know what the fuck I'm talking about.

Absolutely.

Mm-hmm.

I paid a professional that is an expert in parenting plans.

Write this.

Yeah.

Mediator.

I know you write parenting plans, but you're an expert in mediation.

She is an expert in parenting plans.

Now, some mediators will get their dick all twisted about that

and get really upset, and maybe that's something you'll leave out.

Because again, you've investigated your mediator, right?

You've researched your mediator, you know what kind of background they have.

You know what their mindset is.

You're trying to get them on social media.

You can see what's in their life, what's out of their life.

You wanna know who you're in the room with.

This is the person that's helping you plan your fucking future.

Why would you not know the detail?

Why would you not know about your judge?

Why would you not know about your own attorney?

What again, this isn't stalker behavior.

This is about knowing the mental dynamics of people involved in your case.

And if you aren't doing that research, you're gonna be like me and be pleasantly

awestruck at the level of audacity that people that I had in my case,

that didn't even have fucking children, people were telling me what to do with

my kids who didn't even have children.

Let that sink in real quick.

You're telling me to be a better mom.

To be a good mom, and to do this as a mom.

Mom, be a mom and you're not even a parent.

What scale are we working off here, Larry?

Your childhood.

I'm fucked.

You don't know things about people, so the more you can

know, it makes me feel calmer.

Okay.

It makes me feel calmer.

So when you go into mediation, whether it's court ordered or volunteer.

Go in with two things.

An education, which you're gonna get here, and if you take my masterclass,

but go in with stuff written down.

I don't care if I write it, my team and I or you write it.

Do not go in unprepared, uneducated, and without anything in writing.

You have to go in prepared.

You need to know what's right of first refusal.

What are we doing about baptism?

What are we doing about significant others?

What are we doing about itineraries for travel?

What are we doing about exchanges?

What are we doing about communication?

What are we doing about joint agreements?

What are we doing about vaccinations?

What's your thoughts on all that?

You think you're gonna be able to think clear minded, sitting in a

room with your ex, get over yourself.

You can think you're strong as shit.

You're also going through one of the worst things a person can go through in

life besides death, which is divorce.

You have to make sure you go into this as if you are preparing,

I'm sorry for a fucking battle.

You think we're sending people off to fight fights and wars and we were

just like, here's a water bottle.

Oh yeah.

You can take one of those GN things.

Sure.

I. No, we were like, training, training.

Repeat the training, be prepared.

Double check your bag.

Here's a checklist.

Mix you everything.

Here's a map, here's a watch, here's a flashlight.

They had equipment.

They were prepared for fucking anything.

You wanna walk into mediation with fucking like a notebook, like I did a notebook.

It was a cute notebook by the way.

'cause I'm obsessed with office supplies.

That's it.

Oh, and a check for $180, which got used really fast.

We were outta there before my car got cold.

You have to go into mediation prepared and if you don't, this face will haunt you.

This podcast will haunt you that I told you you should have.

' cause you can get a lot done even if your ex is high conflict.

I'm all telling you, it's all about how you present it.

Delivery is half the battle.

You gotta make it sound like their idea.

And I'm going into way too much here 'cause this is,

this podcast is getting long.

I am here to help.

I have lived this life.

I have coached this life.

This is not for the faint at heart.

This isn't like your sister's divorce.

This isn't like your co-parent or your, your coworker's divorce.

This is a high conflict divorce.

The gloves are off.

This is back alley shit.

This is a pension pull in hair and biting fight.

This isn't, oh, let's put on gloves and have this really organized, you

know, three ring, 10 ring round fight.

No, that's not this.

This is ugly.

This is embarrassing.

This is, did I just fucking sit through that type of moments?

This is questioning, how in the fucking world did I marry this person,

this same person that you probably had sex with less than a year ago?

Once you out of this world, but you're expected to go to mediation and get

along, co-parent, talk about it, get it ready, write that shit down.

Write that shit down.

Take it with you.

Take your thoughts, your hills.

You're gonna die on the hills, you're gonna let go.

Again, all of this is in all of my services, all of this.

And again, you're not gonna walk away with a hundred percent, that's another spoiler.

You're gonna walk away with 60 40% of what you asked for, but I'm

gonna tell you it's a 40 or 60%.

That's make or break on whether you have a good relationship

with your children or you don't.

' cause that's the most valuable thing.

And I'll end with this.

You can fix a lot of things.

What you can't fix is time with your kids.

And people ask me all the time, what's the hill?

To die on time with your children, making sure it's protected.

'cause without time, I don't have relationship with my child.

You have to make sure you protect your time and when you do have your kids,

that it's about them during that time.

Not your ex, not the Instagram post, not the, oh, let's go run them all

over Hell's half acre so everybody can see that I have them right now.

It's about getting down on the floor, sitting on the end of the bed.

Put your fucking phones down, put the TV off, and have a conversation

and play with your fucking kids.

That's what it's about.

Because when your kids are older and they ask you questions about the

divorce and about co-parenting, about their life as a divorcee kid, they're

gonna have a highlight reel about one of you, and they're gonna have a

fucking doomsday rant about one of you.

Who do you wanna be?

Who do you wanna be?

Do you wanna be that parent that they go, oh my gosh, you made it so good for us.

You took the time.

We felt important to you.

You listened to us, you saw us, you made us a priority.

Or Yeah, we heard all about it.

Yeah.

Our whole childhood.

We knew everything that was going on.

Oh yeah, absolutely.

Yeah.

We knew we weren't a priority because da, da da, who are you?

And it starts from the beginning of having an education about making sure

that parenting plan protects that time.

You can't sit on anybody's bed if it's not wrote in.

You can't play on the floor if it's not wrote in your time with

your children is the most valuable.

So go into mediation, fucking prepared with what time it starts, what time

it ends, what holidays, and all the other stuff that you should have

so that you don't forget anything.

Knowledge, paperwork, that's what's important.

'cause without it, it's up to who's ever the biggest asshole.

'cause they'll run the show.

You'll fold like a

deck of cards 'cause you're sick of being treated that way and you just comply,

eh, fuck it, fine, whatever, whatever.

And it eats at you and it eats at your time.

Again, my name is Sam and I love being here to help you.

I have all kinds of services that are instant.

You buy them, they show up instantaneous, and then we have a

membership called the next chapter.

And then again, it's just for moms and it's a place to go and

find those workarounds and to get yourself prepared emotionally.

For what you're going through and how to help your kids.

So I hope this episode resonated with you.

I hope it hit a nerve that, gosh, I got some work to do.

Yeah, I hired somebody that's $700 an hour, but I still have work to do 'cause

I need to go into this shit prepared.

I need to go to an intermediation knowing what the hell I want and how to go get it.