00:01.18
Vance 😈
Welcome back to Right Quick.

00:03.06
Nandi K
A bite-sized pop culture conversation with your favorite... Oh my God, this has been beating my ass for the last two weeks. A bite-sized pop culture conversation with your favorite queer unfriendly black hotties.

00:17.79
Vance 😈
We're unfriendly today because love is in need of love today. And I'm Vance Gowe.

00:22.89
Nandi K
Mm-hmm.

00:25.69
Nandi K
And I'm Nandi K. maybe a little bit tongue-tied. But I'm excited. You know, love is in the air

00:36.35
Vance 😈
Yes.

00:37.05
Nandi K
Is that time?

00:37.24
Vance 😈
So yeah, if it wasn't clear from the um the reason we're unfriendly, we're talking about love today, which I think is my favorite.

00:44.40
Nandi K
Yeah, we love. We love love.

00:47.54
Vance 😈
Yeah, i'm like I think that's like, love is our shit. Love is my shit. I love, yeah, i love love.

00:51.58
Nandi K
Yeah.

00:52.50
Vance 😈
Love is dope.

00:53.14
Nandi K
Yeah. Yeah. As evidenced by our Power of Friendship episode, I think it's like our first like full like foray into really talking about how much we love love and friendship and um value all the types of love. But since it's close to Valentine's Day, we wanted to like take some extra time to talk about love this month. So we'll be talking a few times about different types of love. And this is our first Yeah,

01:24.84
Vance 😈
All right. Yeah. So I think just to start it off. Well, I see here you have your your favorite definition of love. So yeah, I think we just want to like talk about that a little.

01:35.12
Vance 😈
you know

01:35.16
Nandi K
yeah um you know, i think a lot of people have different meanings of what love means to them and what it means to be loved.

01:42.23
Vance 😈
Absolutely.

01:44.40
Nandi K
But when I read all about love a few years ago, I really liked bell hooks definition because I think it validated how I felt like some people who said they loved me didn't quite feel like it. And so in all about love bell hooks defines love as the will to extend oneself for the purpose of nurturing one's own or another spiritual growth.

02:19.41
Nandi K
Love, according to bell hooks, requires a combination of six essential ingredients. This was the part for me. The six essential ingredients, care, commitment, knowledge, responsibility, respect, and trust.

02:33.19
Aaron Rand Freeman
Thank

02:36.76
Nandi K
All those things need to be present for it to be loved. And so when I read this definition for the first time, I said, i knew those people didn't love me because this piece was missing and this piece was missing and this piece was missing in this relationship. And so this definition is always like since then, it really like just was like I was like, yeah, this is the one for me.

03:01.97
Vance 😈
Her Yeah well yeah nice So thank thanks for sharing that um Last year we read this book

03:06.20
Nandi K
ah Thank you, Dr. Lance. talk Dr.

03:07.97
Vance 😈
that

03:09.28
Nandi K
Vance.

03:09.59
Vance 😈
oh So, so yeah, last year, last year, uh, in my book, one of my book clubs, I'm in several, uh, one of my book clubs, we read this.

03:20.03
Vance 😈
And when I tell you this was wearing the girls out, Nandi, like they were struggling and like, it was almost fascinating to see because I think,

03:25.10
Nandi K
I'm sure.

03:32.72
Vance 😈
I think what was happening with it was like a dissonance with the definition because it wasn't aligning with some of the relationships that they were like, you know, told were love, which I...

03:42.71
Nandi K
Mm-hmm.

03:45.59
Vance 😈
I understand, like, i guess the tension that you might feel of like you're reading something that is telling you like your mom didn't love you right or whatever. Right.

03:53.91
Nandi K
It's tough.

03:54.12
Vance 😈
ah Like your definition of love does not align with the definition of love you received as a child. That makes sense to me.

03:59.72
Nandi K
Mm-hmm. Yep.

04:01.25
Vance 😈
But I don't think that means you should throw the book in the fire. Right. Like, I think that just means you should maybe think about those relationships.

04:05.53
Nandi K
Sure. Sure.

04:09.12
Vance 😈
And if you still of there's those people are still in your lives, maybe i have a conversation with them about it.

04:14.33
Nandi K
Yeah, and maybe you're also saying you don't need all that. Maybe you're a cactus.

04:19.02
Vance 😈
I mean,

04:20.03
Nandi K
Maybe you don't have no needs.

04:22.23
Vance 😈
right. You don't need water.

04:22.62
Nandi K
Maybe you're low-maintenance. Maybe you're a low-maintenance, low-light, low-water neon plant, a cactus. I don't know. I'm not a cactus. Personally, I do have needs, but i think...

04:38.14
Nandi K
I always like think about like, had I encountered this book earlier in my healing journey, like would I have responded like that?

04:48.60
Nandi K
I don't know. I feel like I was always looking for something like this to validate me. I'm a little bit of a zealot in that way too. So confirmation bias, but I found it.

04:58.74
Vance 😈
I wish I do wish I had this like as a teenager or yeah cause I mean i feel like most of the stuff I read or have read as an adult I wish I had um Color Purple um may come up a lot in this podcast but like I read Color Purple maybe like 22 23 and it was like transformative because in that book love saved Celie's life

05:03.11
Nandi K
Mm-hmm.

05:20.06
Nandi K
Sure.

05:23.35
Nandi K
a

05:24.22
Vance 😈
Because before, you know, she had those relationships that she found with Suge and Miss Sophia. And is there someone else? I feel like there's someone else. But her sister for sure.

05:33.66
Nandi K
Her sister, when her sister comes back, and Nettie.

05:35.82
Vance 😈
well

05:36.34
Nandi K
Yeah.

05:37.02
Vance 😈
But even that love, right? Like that love wasn't even physically with her, but it literally kept her alive.

05:38.55
Nandi K
Yeah.

05:41.82
Vance 😈
Like it sustained her. And it's like, I think that is so powerful.

05:43.10
Nandi K
Man.

05:45.30
Vance 😈
Like when I read the book, even though it was letters, it was so clear to me that like,

05:45.85
Nandi K
oh

05:50.36
Vance 😈
the love of Nettie, the way, like, it felt like a beacon almost for her.

05:54.49
Nandi K
Yes.

05:54.69
Vance 😈
And what was happening didn't even matter. Well, it mattered. Of course it mattered. But, like, she was able to survive all that.

06:01.30
Nandi K
Yeah, because she knew that her sister was out there and that she loved her. Baby, that will preach.

06:06.54
Vance 😈
Mm-hmm. Just wanted to get back to her.

06:08.34
Nandi K
Oh, that will preach. That's so good. And of course, as we said, love has saved my life many times. I would have killed myself if it wasn't for people who loved me.

06:20.09
Nandi K
Like, otherwise, there's no reason for me to be alive personally for myself.

06:20.57
Vance 😈
I mean.

06:25.30
Nandi K
Like people loving me has kept me tethered to this plane of existence because like on the days where I like struggle to love myself enough, like there's other people who are like right there telling you all the good things and why you should stay here.

06:41.98
Nandi K
Sometimes they don't even know what you're going through and people just like speak into you just because that's what they do.

06:44.66
Vance 😈
Right.

06:47.06
Vance 😈
and Right.

06:48.96
Nandi K
Oh, that is so beautiful. Yeah, the color purple is just like such a banger in so many ways.

06:52.50
Vance 😈
Right. i mean, also what you just said about, like, just people, people loving you when you don't love yourself or, like, reminding you that you're worthy of love. Like, that shit is so much more, like, i don't know, like, because, I mean, even, like, if you've ever been in, like, a romantic relationship where, like, you're not feeling your best self and then somebody else is just like, I love you or somebody else sees you or looks at, you know, and it's just like, oh, yeah.

07:11.00
Nandi K
Yeah.

07:18.23
Nandi K
Yeah.

07:20.08
Vance 😈
Like, I have a reason.

07:21.18
Nandi K
Yeah. Mm-hmm.

07:22.21
Vance 😈
and And I'm not saying that's the only reason you resist. But my point is, like, sometimes, like, the the feeling of love reminds you that you're enough and, like, you're worthy.

07:27.51
Nandi K
That's enough.

07:30.84
Nandi K
Yeah.

07:31.41
Vance 😈
And, like, someone someone someone outside of yourself is able to look at you and be like, yeah, I love you.

07:37.08
Nandi K
Yeah, and i especially when it comes to like our loved ones, when it's somebody that you also love and respect, you kind of take that a little bit more seriously.

07:44.24
Vance 😈
Mm-hmm.

07:47.17
Nandi K
It's not like some stranger. When it's a person who really knows you and they you know they really ride for you,

07:54.54
Vance 😈
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

07:55.10
Nandi K
and ah have seen you they know who you really are right not just like the pieces that you like show for other people they know who you really are deep down inside you know when will your reflection show honey listen and so the people who have like seen and all of your I see you have like to know some to love someone is to see and know and accept despite the darkness that's so real because like

08:25.99
Vance 😈
Right.

08:26.58
Nandi K
yeah

08:26.85
Vance 😈
Well, cause what could I think knowing people like, I mean, I know that that feels like a, some poetry shit, but like the darkness part at least, but, but I think, I think seeing, I think seeing people are so important.

08:32.05
Nandi K
It do.

08:36.95
Vance 😈
And then like, even when it's like raggedy parts of them, you're still like, Hey, I see it. I see i see it. But who like, right.

08:44.22
Nandi K
I see your raggedy ass.

08:46.02
Vance 😈
And I still love you.

08:48.38
Nandi K
I still love you even though you raggedy.

08:48.75
Vance 😈
I still love you.

08:50.26
Nandi K
I still love you even though like, yeah, it's, you know, this is making me think about like a hot take, a hot take.

08:50.74
Vance 😈
Right.

08:59.14
Nandi K
You know, I always be seeing people be like, unconditional love is for children and parents only.

09:07.06
Vance 😈
Uh-huh.

09:07.80
Nandi K
You shouldn't get unconditional love. from an ah If you're an adult, why should another adult love you unconditionally, guys? And the argument is often like, they're like, I'm not going to let someone keep doing something bad to me over and over again because I love them unconditionally. i was like, why are what are we talking about here? We're having two different conversations.

09:36.76
Nandi K
I love my mama. I don't speak to her. I don't let her speak to me.

09:41.42
Vance 😈
Yeah. Mm-hmm.

09:43.86
Nandi K
I can't stop loving her. I do.

09:47.99
Vance 😈
Yeah.

09:48.47
Nandi K
All those things, all those words, care, commitment, knowledge, responsibility, or respect. I don't know about the trust part. But I do actually know, but I trust her to be who she is.

09:59.27
Nandi K
And that's why we don't speak or talk, right? Like you can love someone and never talk to them again.

10:03.67
Vance 😈
Mm-hmm.

10:08.25
Nandi K
Just like you can miss someone and be never, no, you're never going to invite them back into your life again either. You know, like, so I'm like, I, I do love my friends unconditionally.

10:16.73
Vance 😈
Right. Yeah, I.

10:21.46
Nandi K
Even if I have to like, let you go forward. There's only a few, only my enemies do I wish bad things on. Just cause we like parted ways doesn't mean that I wish that I don't love you anymore. It just means that we're not compatible anymore.

10:37.39
Vance 😈
Yeah, i don't know. I feel like. I guess the word conditional unconditional, because I feel like every, I feel like most relationships are conditional in general. Like, if this happens and, you know, um so, but like, I guess what I'm saying is like, so I don't know if I hold the language conditional, but I do resonate heavy with the like, the love thing, right?

10:46.94
Nandi K
Sure, in some ways.

10:57.83
Vance 😈
Where it's just like, I love people that I love. And I mean, yeah, that obviously comes from like rapport and trust and just like, you know, time spent together. Right.

11:06.44
Nandi K
Mm-hmm.

11:06.46
Vance 😈
Because if I don't spend time with you, I haven't in forever. i Not to say I don't love you. I guess I do. It's just you over there.

11:12.66
Nandi K
Yeah, it's different. Yeah, yeah.

11:14.64
Vance 😈
Right. So. So I guess even the levels of it all right, like are there different types of love? And I'm like, yeah, I would say so. Because there are.

11:24.25
Nandi K
Yeah,

11:25.85
Vance 😈
I mean, could like, even the in love with versus love for, right? I'm like, I think I'm in love with like, people that know me deeply and I know deeply, i'm in love with them.

11:36.58
Vance 😈
Like, yeah, like,

11:37.18
Nandi K
yeah for sure. I too sometimes am in love with strangers on the street who I'll never see again. and it happens just that fast. I fall in love very quick. I can also fall in like fall out of love just as quick.

11:53.14
Nandi K
So like, and I can be pulled more deeply in love by being known and building like rapport and like getting to know someone.

12:03.61
Vance 😈
Right.

12:03.80
Nandi K
um Yeah.

12:03.93
Vance 😈
And I mean, for me, yeah, for me, I feel like a lot of like love does come from like spending time with others and like actually getting to know them and like actually having real conversations with them.

12:11.09
Nandi K
hmm. Yeah.

12:15.63
Vance 😈
Cause like, I'm in like, I feel like I'm a part of a lot of groups and like with that being said, like I'm always going to be better as a one-on-one person.

12:16.22
Nandi K
Yeah.

12:25.43
Vance 😈
Cause like, I actually do want to like get to know people. Like, cause when when people blanket be like, Oh, I love everyone here.

12:27.96
Nandi K
Yeah, yeah, same.

12:31.75
Vance 😈
That's not true. I don't know that whole right there. Like I don't like, you know, but like if we spend time and actually talk talk to each other, sure. Like love and friendship can grow. But like it's just like I don't i don't know you.

12:42.85
Vance 😈
ni a ah

12:43.58
Nandi K
Yeah, I think when I think of people I don't know, I'd be like, I have love for them as humans.

12:48.45
Vance 😈
Sure. Sure.

12:49.86
Nandi K
And that's where like for me, the distinction between like I love you and like I have love for them is like a different thing.

12:50.30
Vance 😈
Right.

12:59.46
Nandi K
Like I have love for most humans who aren't harming anyone. I have love for all humans who aren't harming anyone, aren't making anybody's lives difficult.

13:10.13
Vance 😈
Mm-hmm.

13:10.30
Nandi K
Black people and black queer and trans people are at the top of that. Crackers are at the bottom of that, right? Like, okay, that's just, there is a hot hierarchy.

13:21.88
Nandi K
But i only love, like, people, when I think about that, it's like, who do I tell i love in my life? I tell my D&D group which we'll be together for, oh my gosh, I think it'll be almost two years. It'll be two years in July.

13:43.22
Nandi K
We say we love each other at at the end of games.

13:46.00
Vance 😈
that's That's also really solid for a Dungeons group to meet for two years.

13:48.49
Nandi K
We've been together for that long. We play weekly together. We spend like four hours together on a weekly basis for two years. We've done that. Like, I do love these people, right? Like, yeah, yeah.

14:03.33
Vance 😈
like cause you I mean, you know, I know you've been in them D&D streets.

14:04.15
Nandi K
Hey, he and it's negras.

14:07.93
Vance 😈
Yeah, it's hard. It's like a band. Like, to get to get seven adults to sit... know how many people you got in your party, but, like...

14:13.62
Nandi K
It's like, we're like six in total, but usually we're like four or five, but yeah.

14:17.11
Vance 😈
And you got to keep that shit tight because, you know, the more numbers, the more people.

14:19.74
Nandi K
Yeah, yeah.

14:20.75
Vance 😈
It's hard to align. But anyway, ain't gonna hold you. i have not been saying i love you as much as I probably like to or should out loud to others.

14:29.51
Nandi K
Oh no.

14:30.37
Vance 😈
I just haven't. Like... Like even the people that I'm close, like physically in proximity to a lot, I don't, I haven't been saying that. glad to change that.

14:39.74
Nandi K
Yeah, I say I love you to everyone. i i One of my friends got hired at somewhere. that is similar to somewhere where I also be at. My friend got hired somewhere where where I be at.

14:53.46
Nandi K
And so we was talking today, but literally every meeting we have at the end, and we'd be like, all right, love you Love you too. Like, because we're friends, we've known each other for so long, you know, like, so like we tell each other, we love each other all the time, even at the the place where they work, where I be at.

15:04.35
Vance 😈
Right.

15:12.57
Vance 😈
We say that here, right? At the end of our meetings?

15:15.22
Nandi K
I think so. Yeah, I definitely always do.

15:16.50
Vance 😈
Yeah. Yeah, I think so.

15:18.55
Nandi K
I always say I love you so yeah I'd be like love you guys see you next time yeah well I think I want to kind of wrap this up by asking like what does it mean to you to be like truly loved like what does that mean for you

15:18.72
Vance 😈
what I love you, if I haven't told you. thank you

15:36.86
Vance 😈
I think kind of what I was saying about like the... like to be known, I suppose. i feel like I've heard you say that a couple of times, like to know me is to love me, but art to love me is to know me.

15:42.46
Nandi K
same yeah

15:47.49
Vance 😈
But yeah, I think that just like somebody being able to hold all the complexities of you and like, and like i also rapport means a lot to me. Like I i kind of like i like, I mean, my favorite thing about having friends is your friends tell you about yourself, right?

16:02.52
Nandi K
Yeah.

16:02.77
Vance 😈
Like ah to tell you that you be niggin', right? When you done put the list together for the movies or whatever.

16:09.94
Nandi K
Right.

16:10.85
Vance 😈
But like we we do need like we do need that because I feel like when you have superficial like relations with people like it's this very surface level and they don't like they don't actually care enough to tell you the things about yourself or if they do what's mean and superficial.

16:19.81
Nandi K
Yeah.

16:26.01
Nandi K
Yeah.

16:26.51
Vance 😈
Like, oh, you said something about my

16:26.78
Nandi K
Like you don't have the rapport, the intimacy to really be having those kind of yeah conversations.

16:29.39
Vance 😈
Right.

16:32.14
Nandi K
Yeah.

16:33.30
Vance 😈
So, yeah, that.

16:35.48
Nandi K
Yeah. I agree to me. Like if you know me, that to me like means a lot. Send me something that is like really specific.

16:45.98
Nandi K
That reminds you of me.

16:46.02
Vance 😈
Thoughtful.

16:47.82
Nandi K
Like that shit is so romantic. Like, Just talking about mundane things that we like have in common. Like last night you was like, what you be doing to fry your chicken?

16:56.66
Vance 😈
tv

16:59.50
Nandi K
Like that kind of stuff is like, I love stuff like that. That's so beautiful. Like, yeah.

17:05.27
Vance 😈
That shit was so funny because you were like, I feel like you were talking about like, not high level shit, but you know I'm saying? Like, you got to be like a cooking girl.

17:12.95
Nandi K
I wasn't.

17:14.10
Vance 😈
Well, it was just like brine and then and in the vacuum cell, but then it was like, I have all the tools, I was doing it. It was just funny. It reminded me like of a...

17:21.50
Nandi K
Yeah, no, the meme you kept sending also was so funny.

17:22.94
Vance 😈
and

17:25.24
Nandi K
ah The crying over the pot.

17:26.17
Vance 😈
the The kid crying.

17:27.86
Nandi K
But yeah, like stuff like that, like, or like one of my favorite things is when people give me clothes. Like i some people don't like hand me down, baby, hand me the fuck down.

17:34.39
Vance 😈
Yeah.

17:39.09
Nandi K
I personally love being like when someone is like, oh, I have this thing in my wardrobe and it just like reminds me of you.

17:39.61
Vance 😈
and didn't know that. Yeah.

17:49.09
Nandi K
Like, I remember I got a garbage bag of like eight fur coats once from a friend like in New York because she was like, I have to move.

17:50.01
Vance 😈
yeah

17:58.18
Nandi K
I'm getting rid of them. i thought you should have them. It was like eight fur coats and like four or five pairs of pneumonia boots, which are like. Anyways, it was lit.

18:08.66
Nandi K
And like those are I love when people give me clothes. It's truly like, yeah, because it's like, you know me, you know, I love like, yeah, yeah.

18:15.11
Vance 😈
Right. Right. and And what you said about the thinking of you, I think that's super important. Like, oh, I like those gifts.

18:20.47
Nandi K
her

18:22.24
Vance 😈
Like, oh, yeah, I thought about you. Like, oh, this this little duck I saw reminds me of you here. And then it's like, oh, that's thoughtful. They don't got to cost a lot of money.

18:30.20
Nandi K
No.

18:30.40
Vance 😈
Although the the furs is like, that's a nice gift. Like, you know.

18:34.36
Nandi K
That was a great gift. That was a great gift. I don't even have all those furs anymore. I think maybe I have one still, but yeah, obviously, like I couldn't, but yeah, that was a great gift. Yeah. I love being like thought of and like,

18:48.31
Nandi K
When people are like, I know this thing about you and they reflect that back to you. It's really, really, really nice. And yeah, you know, it makes my pussy wet. I can't lie.

19:03.00
Nandi K
i don't always act on it. But it's I'm pretty easy. Like, I'm pretty easy. I'll tell somebody I love them because they brought me a a chicken patty.

19:13.74
Nandi K
That did happen once.

19:14.17
Vance 😈
Hey, but like, ain't ain't that love? Like, cooking cooking for somebody or having somebody cook for you like just doing a thing that you...

19:17.69
Aaron Rand Freeman
you

19:22.33
Nandi K
Or bringing me food because I'm so hungry and I'm starving and you brought me some food.

19:28.53
Vance 😈
Nandi, I try to be the friend I want to have, right? So I love dropping niggas food off. like Like, oh, I made too much food.

19:34.39
Nandi K
You do. You love it.

19:36.66
Vance 😈
I'm dropping this off. And, like, I was going to waste it anyway, so I'm drop it off to you. Or, like, oh, you're not feeling good. I'm going to drop you off some food, and it's always homemade.

19:44.02
Nandi K
my God, I can't wait till we have our commune on the farm.

19:47.06
Vance 😈
Look, I'm B.A. I'm dropping off some chicken.

19:50.41
Nandi K
Listen, those communal dinners are going to be lit.

19:53.26
Vance 😈
Oh, you already know. Next level, man.

19:55.19
Nandi K
Well, I think this is a beautiful episode. We love love to love. A big thanks to our producer and audio Adonis, Aaron Rand Freeman.

20:03.77
Vance 😈
love I've been Vance Go you can find me on Instagram at Sir Lance of that and wherever else you want to find me you know just look into the ether I might be there who are you

20:20.44
Nandi K
And I'm Nandi Kay. You can find me on Instagram threads in blue sky at Nandi Kay, A Y Y We'll see y'all next time.

20:30.61
Vance 😈
love you