<v Speaker 1>When the pain is becoming your entire identity, then obviously

<v Speaker 1>when it comes to growth, it's going to feel threatening

<v Speaker 1>to you. This is why you can't be challenged. You

<v Speaker 1>can't sit in the uncomfortability of certain conversations because honestly,

<v Speaker 1>you are victimizing yourself. Hey, babe, it's Asia Christina.

<v Speaker 2>This is quality Queen Control. What is happening? Hello, angels?

<v Speaker 1>How is everybody feeling on today?

<v Speaker 2>I'm feeling great. I just want to say that this episode.

<v Speaker 1>Might repleceent feathers, and if it does, I don't really

<v Speaker 1>know what else to tell you, because well, if this

<v Speaker 1>is your first time seeing me, meeting me, Hello, my

<v Speaker 1>name is Asia Christina Foster.

<v Speaker 2>Nice to meet you.

<v Speaker 1>I'm a very tough love type of person and there

<v Speaker 1>is no coddling really on this channel or on this podcast.

<v Speaker 1>I should say, it's just tough love. Okay, So if

<v Speaker 1>this is offensive, while that might not be my intention,

<v Speaker 1>it actually is not my intention.

<v Speaker 2>Let me be clear.

<v Speaker 1>If the shoe fits, put it on, princess. And that's

<v Speaker 1>all I have to say about that. But it's important

<v Speaker 1>that we take accountability, right. We are not always responsible

<v Speaker 1>for what has happened to us. However, it is our

<v Speaker 1>obligation to heal from whatever those unforeseen circumstances or circumstances

<v Speaker 1>period are and were. Okay, so I want to start

<v Speaker 1>by making that disclaimer, and yeah, make sure you were

<v Speaker 1>giving this video a thumbs up if you are watching

<v Speaker 1>me in person on YouTube, guys, can you do me

<v Speaker 1>a favor. I want to make sure that we are

<v Speaker 1>hitting our goal of getting to I know, I said

<v Speaker 1>three hundred thousand subscribers my last video, but let's just

<v Speaker 1>start even more granular. Let's say two hundred and fifty

<v Speaker 1>k subscribers on the channel, and that can only work

<v Speaker 1>if we work together as a team. Okay, teamwork makes

<v Speaker 1>the dream work. I am solidifying more stuff with my

<v Speaker 1>team so that we can, you know, just be extra

<v Speaker 1>tight with our scheduling and everything as far as the

<v Speaker 1>episodes go, because ultimately I will be uploading a podcast

<v Speaker 1>three times a week, two videos which you guys already

<v Speaker 1>see from me twice a week, in addition to an

<v Speaker 1>audio episode. Eventually I will be releasing as well, so

<v Speaker 1>you guys will be seeing me three times a week,

<v Speaker 1>or put like this, you guys will be hearing from

<v Speaker 1>me three times a week, let's not forget to mention.

<v Speaker 2>I do TikTok shop TikTok period.

<v Speaker 1>And also I have two Instagram pages, one for the

<v Speaker 1>podcast and then one for my own personal technically I

<v Speaker 1>have three. I do have av logging channel which I

<v Speaker 1>haven't uploaded to in over probably over a year now,

<v Speaker 1>which is called Hot and Holy, and I love that name, honestly,

<v Speaker 1>and I haven't uploaded to a lot uploaded to it

<v Speaker 1>for a while. But we'll see what happens in the future.

<v Speaker 1>Right now, what's most important to me is picking things

<v Speaker 1>back up with the podcast now that we are back

<v Speaker 1>filming again with fresh new episodes. So I had to

<v Speaker 1>make sure that I came at you guys with not

<v Speaker 1>only new content, but that we were doubling the episodes

<v Speaker 1>that we normally were putting out. So very happy about that.

<v Speaker 1>I hope you are doing well. And thank you so

<v Speaker 1>much for all the love the messages for all of

<v Speaker 1>you that have been reposting my videos and things like that.

<v Speaker 1>It does not go unnoticed or unseen. Thank you so

<v Speaker 1>much to each and every one of you that takes

<v Speaker 1>the time to interact with my content. Let me tell

<v Speaker 1>you something, The best easiest way to support your favorite

<v Speaker 1>creator is simply to engage with the video, whether that's

<v Speaker 1>make a comment. No one says you have to write

<v Speaker 1>a paragraph, even if you were to put a heart emoji. Okay,

<v Speaker 1>So if you are actually listening to this, well watching this,

<v Speaker 1>I want to say, I want you to put a

<v Speaker 1>heart emoji. Let's do a white heart emoji in the

<v Speaker 1>comment section. Yeah, CDT, let's do that. And that way

<v Speaker 1>I know that you are supporting and that you are watching.

<v Speaker 2>So what that being said?

<v Speaker 1>Title in this episode was inspired by, of course, real

<v Speaker 1>life events.

<v Speaker 2>Right.

<v Speaker 1>I understand that you may be hurt, but are you

<v Speaker 1>also avoiding accountability?

<v Speaker 2>All right?

<v Speaker 1>There is a difference between being hurt and building a

<v Speaker 1>personality around being harmed. And I want to be sensitive

<v Speaker 1>when I talk about this because once again, if you

<v Speaker 1>guys remember the last episode that I had posted, I

<v Speaker 1>was talking about some like weird situation that happened on

<v Speaker 1>Instagram where I was sharing the fact that I was

<v Speaker 1>like mentioning if you tell someone a SOB story, make

<v Speaker 1>sure that you are as an active listener asking yourself, well,

<v Speaker 1>what is making this person share this information with me?

<v Speaker 1>And somehow it kind of twisted into some people sort

<v Speaker 1>of being accusatory of me stating that I was in

<v Speaker 1>support of silencing victims of abuse, which is egregious and

<v Speaker 1>not something I would ever do, let alone publicly do.

<v Speaker 1>That makes no sense why I would say something like that, Like,

<v Speaker 1>think about what kind of person hops on the internet

<v Speaker 1>and says, yeah, and if you're abused, just stay silent,

<v Speaker 1>no one cares shut up. That's pretty much what people acted,

<v Speaker 1>some people, not everyone. Some people clearly got the message

<v Speaker 1>into which going over it again. Clearly here I was

<v Speaker 1>referencing just a simple friendship fallout, you know, where you

<v Speaker 1>might get into a disagreement with a friend. You guys

<v Speaker 1>are no longer speaking, and the person that actually is

<v Speaker 1>the reason for why you no longer have a relationship

<v Speaker 1>is going in front of you telling all the mutual

<v Speaker 1>friends you guys had about the situation. Clearly, to get

<v Speaker 1>in front of it, because liars have to lie fast

<v Speaker 1>and first. Okay, that's what I was reference saying. To

<v Speaker 1>go over that again, Okay, and that's the last time,

<v Speaker 1>and I'm going to explain myself in regards to that.

<v Speaker 1>But I did think it was important to address it

<v Speaker 1>because I want to be abundantly clear that I would

<v Speaker 1>never ever advocate for being silent in abusive dynamics on

<v Speaker 1>any level and scale. So I was not referencing abuse

<v Speaker 1>in any capacity. I was simply referencing a regular friendship

<v Speaker 1>fallout that you may have with an individual, and that's it.

<v Speaker 1>That is that, and that is it. So, like I said,

<v Speaker 1>there's a major difference right between being hurt and making

<v Speaker 1>that your personality, and some people they simply do not

<v Speaker 1>actually want healing, they want permanent validation. I actually knew

<v Speaker 1>somebody like this where I remember the first time I

<v Speaker 1>spoke with them, you know, they were like, oh, you

<v Speaker 1>don't understand what I'm going through, And I was like,

<v Speaker 1>oh my gosh, like let me hear what you have

<v Speaker 1>to say, Like I wanted to hear this person out.

<v Speaker 1>And then I started to notice a pattern that that

<v Speaker 1>person then began to always have a store not just

<v Speaker 1>with me, but with everybody.

<v Speaker 2>That's they they love leading and living in.

<v Speaker 1>That trauma sort of space of oh, you don't know

<v Speaker 1>what I went through with my husband today and I

<v Speaker 1>just have a lot going on and I'm like okay.

<v Speaker 1>So I quickly started to clock okay, like this was

<v Speaker 1>not like a one time thing where you needed to

<v Speaker 1>get something off your chest, or even a couple times.

<v Speaker 1>Like I'm noticing throughout the years of knowing this individual

<v Speaker 1>that they all always have a story. Oh it's a

<v Speaker 1>lot going They're a victim, respectfully, they are just a victim,

<v Speaker 1>all right. So they want the permanent validation of Oh girl,

<v Speaker 1>I understand where you're going through. I'm so sorry.

<v Speaker 2>That gives them a hit of dopamine, all right?

<v Speaker 1>And at what point does I'm healing become I never

<v Speaker 1>have to grow? At what point I'm just asking This

<v Speaker 1>is not about shaming people who have been through real trauma, okay.

<v Speaker 1>This is about the patterns that are keeping people emotionally stuck,

<v Speaker 1>and it's just it's relationally draining. I'm just gonna keep

<v Speaker 1>it a buck, all right, So please understand where I'm

<v Speaker 1>coming from here. So are the what does self victimization

<v Speaker 1>actually look like? Well, every story in your book positions

<v Speaker 1>you as the powerless person, every single story, And after

<v Speaker 1>a while, it's like, of course you're going to be

<v Speaker 1>empathetic towards that. Of course you're going to feel like,

<v Speaker 1>oh my gosh, I'm so sorry that you went through

<v Speaker 1>this all these different things. I actually knew a friend

<v Speaker 1>where which is interesting. They always had this story of

<v Speaker 1>this upbringing about their abuse and all these different things.

<v Speaker 1>Why would I not believe someone who says that they've

<v Speaker 1>been abused? Of course, I am like, who would make

<v Speaker 1>something like that up? But what's interesting is I think

<v Speaker 1>that they forgot again I'm only speaking in this context

<v Speaker 1>now that it's on my mind, I think they forgot

<v Speaker 1>to study the archetype or the care character of somebody

<v Speaker 1>that actually is abused, because I noticed that this person

<v Speaker 1>was very like the traits of this person were not

<v Speaker 1>indicative of any abuse being present in their life at all.

<v Speaker 1>I mean, the people that they claimed abuse them, they

<v Speaker 1>have consistent contact with and were very very aggressive toward.

<v Speaker 1>So I noticed that their behavior was actually the more

<v Speaker 1>aggressive behavior and it and it took me a while

<v Speaker 1>to catch on because at first I thought it was

<v Speaker 1>hypervigilance of okay, because of maybe certain circumstances that that

<v Speaker 1>person shared that maybe that's why they were acting that way.

<v Speaker 1>But if it was as bad as this person was

<v Speaker 1>trying to portray it to be, then why would it

<v Speaker 1>still be functioning in this capacity? And why would you

<v Speaker 1>be allowing certain people back into your life. You wouldn't

<v Speaker 1>constantly be cycle cycling in this stuff this much if

<v Speaker 1>it was such an abusive, abusive, abusive situation where said

<v Speaker 1>things were done to you. Because at a certain point,

<v Speaker 1>like abuse is never okay in any scale, but on

<v Speaker 1>a high, high scale where we're talking about physical abuse

<v Speaker 1>or other appropriate forms that I don't even want to

<v Speaker 1>name and label, why would you still be involved with

<v Speaker 1>these people? Right, I'm just I'm just saying, and I

<v Speaker 1>noticed that maybe this person is not actually giving me

<v Speaker 1>an accurate recollection of events that after inspired because I'm

<v Speaker 1>actually now starting to think that that person was the

<v Speaker 1>actual aggressor in a lot of the situations. All right,

<v Speaker 1>clear behavioral signs can also look like no ownership. Ever,

<v Speaker 1>they always have an excuse for everything, always, and they're

<v Speaker 1>so used to manipulating situations and manufacturing situations that after

<v Speaker 1>a while, it just gets exhausting to even coexist with

<v Speaker 1>someone like that, So you end up having to resort

<v Speaker 1>to extreme forms of behavior to send a message to

<v Speaker 1>that part. I remember there was like a friendship fallout

<v Speaker 1>that I witnessed between two people that I knew, and

<v Speaker 1>I remember one of them pretty much just ended up

<v Speaker 1>going silent on the other person, and the other person,

<v Speaker 1>who was definitely a very she's a very like masculine person,

<v Speaker 1>she was very much like, well, why didn't I find

<v Speaker 1>all this stuff out before? And da da da, And

<v Speaker 1>I could tell that it's because with that type of

<v Speaker 1>personality that that individual had, you have to resort to

<v Speaker 1>extreme behavior, like you're hanging out with them and you're

<v Speaker 1>just tolerating their behavior over and over again until you

<v Speaker 1>reach a point where you literally cannot take it anymore.

<v Speaker 1>And I understand, on one hand, someone can say, well,

<v Speaker 1>that person should have spoke up for themselves, But until

<v Speaker 1>you encounter a situation that you've never ever been close

<v Speaker 1>to encountering before, you actually don't know how you're gonna respond.

<v Speaker 1>I'll give you an example. One time I was at

<v Speaker 1>someone I used to be friends with house, and I

<v Speaker 1>remember I had invited one of my best friends because

<v Speaker 1>I always like to kind of combine the groups and

<v Speaker 1>things like that.

<v Speaker 2>And I remember we were like getting.

<v Speaker 1>Prepared to eat dinner or what have you, and I

<v Speaker 1>remember that the person made a comment at my friend

<v Speaker 1>what my best friend was going to go get some

<v Speaker 1>ice cream? And I remember this person saying, what are

<v Speaker 1>you doing, And my best friend was like, Oh, I'm

<v Speaker 1>gonna go get some ice cream, and she literally says,

<v Speaker 1>we don't do that in this house. We don't eat

<v Speaker 1>ice cream before dinner in this house. Meanwhile, where older

<v Speaker 1>than this girl is. And like you would think in

<v Speaker 1>that situation that you would you would be like telling

<v Speaker 1>the girl off. You'd be like, why are you speaking

<v Speaker 1>to me like that? But you would be shocked with

<v Speaker 1>how stunned you are. Also, with these types of emotional terrorists,

<v Speaker 1>you almost don't have the energy as a mature person

<v Speaker 1>to go back and forth with them because you know

<v Speaker 1>it's just pointless and exhausting. So you just don't even

<v Speaker 1>bother going back and forth with them because you know

<v Speaker 1>that it's just a waste of your time. And so

<v Speaker 1>that's kind of the choice that you feel like you're

<v Speaker 1>stuck between.

<v Speaker 2>I digress.

<v Speaker 1>So there's always an answer for everything as to why

<v Speaker 1>they feel justified in saying what they said, doing what

<v Speaker 1>they did.

<v Speaker 2>It's never a all right, you know what, I actually.

<v Speaker 1>Do accept accountability for that, and I'm genuinely sorry, and

<v Speaker 1>you feel like they're you're moving forward. No, it feels

<v Speaker 1>like they might use these terms Oh yes, I accept

<v Speaker 1>what you're saying all these different things, but you can

<v Speaker 1>tell that the dynamic has changed. You can tell that

<v Speaker 1>that person does not feel the same about you. Meanwhile,

<v Speaker 1>you're actually being genuine and trying to resolve it. Like

<v Speaker 1>I always say this as an adult, I realize whether

<v Speaker 1>or not I care about somebody when I care about reconciling. Okay, Like,

<v Speaker 1>if I don't care about reconciling something with you, I

<v Speaker 1>am not going to want to meet up with you

<v Speaker 1>about it. I'm actually not going to text you about it.

<v Speaker 1>There's no conversation to be had. Like, we're done, and

<v Speaker 1>you could say whatever you have to say. I don't

<v Speaker 1>care to tell you how I feel because I do

<v Speaker 1>not care about this relationship anymore.

<v Speaker 2>So we're done, okay.

<v Speaker 1>So when I get reached that point of not wanting

<v Speaker 1>to reconcile and just wanting to leave it alone, and

<v Speaker 1>I feel relieved by your absence, then.

<v Speaker 2>That tells me everything that I need to know.

<v Speaker 1>So whenever, going back to the behavioral signs, the clear

<v Speaker 1>behavioral signs here of what people that are self victimizing

<v Speaker 1>looks like is the constant retelling of the same wounds

<v Speaker 1>without any sort of progress and movement in their life.

<v Speaker 1>You have the same things going on, the same patterns,

<v Speaker 1>the same thisess, the same this.

<v Speaker 2>It does get exhausting.

<v Speaker 1>Okay, it's giving like I can't do anything, I'm powerless

<v Speaker 1>all these different situations.

<v Speaker 2>Let me tell you something, babe.

<v Speaker 1>Psychologically, people do not stay in things that are not

<v Speaker 1>serving them in some sort of capacity, all right, whether

<v Speaker 1>that be financially, emotionally, relationally, people do not stay in

<v Speaker 1>Human beings do not stay in situations that are so

<v Speaker 1>gravely uncomfortable for them outside of the realm of of course,

<v Speaker 1>an extreme case, which I am not referencing, which would be,

<v Speaker 1>you know, domestic violence or some sort of serious abuse.

<v Speaker 1>But topically here with what I'm referencing, when people constantly

<v Speaker 1>feel the need to talk about the same thing over

<v Speaker 1>and over again. And this is how you also know

<v Speaker 1>someone's a victim. Every single person they come across, they

<v Speaker 1>have to tell the same old story too. I remember

<v Speaker 1>I knew someone who was actually a male, and every

<v Speaker 1>single time this person gets into a relationship, they're telling

<v Speaker 1>the same sob story to every single girl that they're with.

<v Speaker 1>And that person ended up finding one idiot who started

<v Speaker 1>to believe the things that he was saying, and that

<v Speaker 1>dictated her actions in how she responded in the family,

<v Speaker 1>how she ended up treating his family and all these

<v Speaker 1>different things.

<v Speaker 2>I don't know.

<v Speaker 1>I'm the type of person where I don't care what

<v Speaker 1>you tell me about your family. I will never disrespect

<v Speaker 1>anyone's family, no matter what I know about them, because

<v Speaker 1>that's your family, and out of respect for how I

<v Speaker 1>was raised and respect for my elders and that not

<v Speaker 1>being my family period. I would never ever feel comfortable

<v Speaker 1>being in a relationship with a man and him trying

<v Speaker 1>to convince me of certain things about his family dynamic,

<v Speaker 1>and I am mistreating his family as a result of

<v Speaker 1>the things that this man is saying. I don't care.

<v Speaker 1>I would never do it, all right, So maybe we're

<v Speaker 1>just built differently, but I would never do something like that.

<v Speaker 1>And so I noticed that, Wait a second, this person

<v Speaker 1>involves every single time they are dating somebody, they're sharing

<v Speaker 1>their wounds and dumping their baggage, which is not even accurate,

<v Speaker 1>by the way.

<v Speaker 2>Onto you know.

<v Speaker 1>That individual every single time, Okay, And so what happens

<v Speaker 1>when you become this individual? All you have to do

<v Speaker 1>is meet the perfect idiot that then exacerbates those toxic

<v Speaker 1>qualities in yourself, because let's not preclude the fact here

<v Speaker 1>that eventually the victimization turns into toxicity. It is toxic,

<v Speaker 1>all right, And then these people always want to weaponize

<v Speaker 1>therapy language. I'm triggered to avoid accountability. Okay, beyond the trigger?

<v Speaker 2>What can you do?

<v Speaker 1>Beyond the trigger? Every single disagreement with that person feels

<v Speaker 1>like an attack to them. Surrounding themselves with people who

<v Speaker 1>only validate but never challenge them is what these types

<v Speaker 1>of people tend to do they're victims. This aligns and

<v Speaker 1>corresponds directly with the Instagram video that I made when

<v Speaker 1>I was talking about and when you're going and telling

<v Speaker 1>your SOB story as an active listener, ask yourself, why

<v Speaker 1>would a certain individual tell me information on someone that

<v Speaker 1>I'm not even close to. This person didn't abuse, this

<v Speaker 1>person didn't make a smear campaign about me.

<v Speaker 2>This person didn't do any of these things.

<v Speaker 1>But because I want to overshare and I want to

<v Speaker 1>victimize myself, I'm going to tell this story and surround

<v Speaker 1>myself with a rally of troops to validate how I feel,

<v Speaker 1>and they have no leg to stand on to even

<v Speaker 1>challenge what this person is even saying, oh, do you

<v Speaker 1>understand what it is that I'm getting at. So obviously,

<v Speaker 1>in certain scenarios, pain is very real, But when the

<v Speaker 1>pain is becoming your entire identity, then obviously, when it

<v Speaker 1>comes to growth, it's going to feel threatening to you.

<v Speaker 1>This is why you can't be challenged. You can't sit

<v Speaker 1>in the uncomfortability of certain conversations because honestly, you are

<v Speaker 1>victimizing yourself. You can't sit in the uncomfortability of you

<v Speaker 1>know what, ouch, This hurts, This stings. But I trust

<v Speaker 1>this relationship that I have with this person, and out

<v Speaker 1>of respect for them, I t us that what they're

<v Speaker 1>gonna say to me is for my own good. It

<v Speaker 1>is not because they're trying to go out of their

<v Speaker 1>way to offend me and challenge me, because they just

<v Speaker 1>want to troll me and try and manipulate me and

<v Speaker 1>control me. No. So this is how you know when

<v Speaker 1>someone's healthy or not, because do you feel like the

<v Speaker 1>people around you genuinely want the best for you? Otherwise

<v Speaker 1>if not, then why are you around them? It tells

<v Speaker 1>me you're a victim because you are having these relationships

<v Speaker 1>around you, but you don't trust their genuine feedback, you

<v Speaker 1>only feel like you do. Like you ever meet someone

<v Speaker 1>where they always want to know what you're thinking, but

<v Speaker 1>they know good and well that they're just hoarding the

<v Speaker 1>things that you're saying to use them against you.

<v Speaker 2>Later.

<v Speaker 1>I knew someone like this as well, where they're like, oh, no,

<v Speaker 1>like I value your opinion and I just want to

<v Speaker 1>know what you're thinking. And come to find out, this

<v Speaker 1>person was literally going and I'm trying to help this

<v Speaker 1>person out as a friend, genuinely, and I didn't even

<v Speaker 1>tell her the fullness of all I was thinking because

<v Speaker 1>I kind of knew she was obsessed with this person

<v Speaker 1>and couldn't handle it. And she'd always be like, well,

<v Speaker 1>I want to know what you're honestly thinking. And I

<v Speaker 1>would say like, well do you, because you're going to

<v Speaker 1>do whatever you're going to do regardless, and she's like,

<v Speaker 1>well yeah, but I just still want to know, okay.

<v Speaker 1>And then I found out that she was telling the

<v Speaker 1>guy that she was with that, oh, these are the

<v Speaker 1>things my friends are saying and all these different things. Girl,

<v Speaker 1>your friends were saying that because the things we were

<v Speaker 1>saying were true.

<v Speaker 2>We were trying to.

<v Speaker 1>Help you and help you realize that you're delusional and

<v Speaker 1>that you've manufactured your position into you know, that person's

<v Speaker 1>life at the time, Like that's where it came from.

<v Speaker 2>Just like how one time I remember my best friend I.

<v Speaker 1>Was involved in a situation and I remember one of

<v Speaker 1>my best friends was like, I don't I don't like

<v Speaker 1>this for you, Like I don't like who you are

<v Speaker 1>in this dynamic.

<v Speaker 2>I said, have I changed like as a friend?

<v Speaker 1>And she was like, no, I just don't like who

<v Speaker 1>you are with this person in this relationship.

<v Speaker 2>Did I want to hear that?

<v Speaker 1>No? But I trust my best friend that she genuinely

<v Speaker 1>wants the best for me. And if I was sitting,

<v Speaker 1>if I was honest with myself, I knew that she

<v Speaker 1>was actually right. She wasn't trying to come against me.

<v Speaker 1>We're still best friends, by the way, so I knew that.

<v Speaker 1>And I'm grateful that I have people around me that

<v Speaker 1>are reliable and that do want the best for me,

<v Speaker 1>and that are going to be honest with me and

<v Speaker 1>challenge me at points where I know it genuinely makes sense.

<v Speaker 2>I'm very fortunate. You know, all glory to.

<v Speaker 1>God, But why ask yourself this, Why would you be

<v Speaker 1>perpetually around someone people that you don't even trust their feedback.

<v Speaker 2>Hmm. Interesting.

<v Speaker 1>So what do you keep doing telling your story over

<v Speaker 1>and over again to somebody that will then bite the

<v Speaker 1>you know, take the bait, and then take your side

<v Speaker 1>aggressively and loyally and fiercely so that you can feel like,

<v Speaker 1>oh see, yeah, actually I am right.

<v Speaker 2>Okay.

<v Speaker 1>So what is the psychology behind victimizing yourself? Well, think

<v Speaker 1>about it. Think about the secondary gain that you get,

<v Speaker 1>Like I was hinting at, before you're getting the attention,

<v Speaker 1>you're getting the validation. The expectations are then lowered, right,

<v Speaker 1>especially when you're getting that validation and attention, it's like.

<v Speaker 2>Oh see, you're not crazy. Oh see, yes, it is

<v Speaker 2>exactly what you think.

<v Speaker 1>And when you're also just becoming friends with someone and

<v Speaker 1>they come with this like heavy storyline. Again not accusing

<v Speaker 1>everyone of lying, but when they come with such a

<v Speaker 1>heavy storyline, you don't know this person, why wouldn't you

<v Speaker 1>believe them? Think about that, why wouldn't you believe them?

<v Speaker 1>So your nervous system it's always going to choose the

<v Speaker 1>familiarity with the chaos or the sympathy. That's the psychology

<v Speaker 1>behind people that are you know, self victimizing. Okay, they

<v Speaker 1>also have something called learned helplessness. They've learned to sell

<v Speaker 1>a storyline that always paints them as the victim in

<v Speaker 1>each storyline, even if they are in fact the aggressors,

<v Speaker 1>or if they are in fact the person that eventually

<v Speaker 1>did get their power back. But they love the manipulation

<v Speaker 1>of being able to act like, oh see, like look

<v Speaker 1>at how this person's acting.

<v Speaker 2>They do.

<v Speaker 1>It's so crafty that they don't even they probably don't

<v Speaker 1>even have true awareness that that's something that they're doing. Also,

<v Speaker 1>some people are so scared of this because the version

<v Speaker 1>of who that they who they think that they are,

<v Speaker 1>they are so far from that it will actually seriously

<v Speaker 1>cause clinical damage to their mental health if they realize,

<v Speaker 1>oh my gosh, I am genuinely not who I think

<v Speaker 1>I am. And that's how you know you're really dealing

<v Speaker 1>with someone that's very defensive because they can't even hear.

<v Speaker 1>They cannot even hear what certain people have to say.

<v Speaker 1>You're not gonna love every single thing that somebody has

<v Speaker 1>to say about you, But I still want to know

<v Speaker 1>how certain people have arrived. If we had a friendship

<v Speaker 1>to a certain conclusion, I would want to know if

<v Speaker 1>you're claiming I'm this, this, this, and this, please let

<v Speaker 1>me know how you arrived at conclusion out of the

<v Speaker 1>respect for what we once had. If you can't give

<v Speaker 1>me that, but you would rather go and tell everyone

<v Speaker 1>but me, that tells me everything I need to know

<v Speaker 1>about you. You're lying, You're genuinely lying, because why wouldn't

<v Speaker 1>you want the person that allegedly hurt your feelings? Why

<v Speaker 1>would you not want to hear straight out of their

<v Speaker 1>mouth what's going on? You mean to tell me you'd

<v Speaker 1>rather go to everyone, But then when you have access

<v Speaker 1>to hearing out what that person has to say, regardless

<v Speaker 1>of whether or not you agree with it. I would

<v Speaker 1>want the chance because I'm gonna tell you about yourself.

<v Speaker 1>I'm gonna tell you about yourself if I got the

<v Speaker 1>opportunity to. But there's also a fear of having that responsibility,

<v Speaker 1>because responsibility means change to realize that you are in

<v Speaker 1>fact not who you think you are, and busting that

<v Speaker 1>bubble of self victimization means you have to take on

<v Speaker 1>the responsibility of realizing, man, I am actually potentially a fraud.

<v Speaker 1>I'm sorry, but it's true. And also social media tends

<v Speaker 1>to reward victim narratives. It's just the truth. It is

<v Speaker 1>the It is the truth, all right. People do love

<v Speaker 1>a story. Hello, Why do you think we all watched

<v Speaker 1>you know, certain channels and things like that, But we

<v Speaker 1>love a story.

<v Speaker 2>I love a story.

<v Speaker 1>I am no different, however, being a person that has

<v Speaker 1>endured excessive persecution, smear campaigns, and excessive lies, and I

<v Speaker 1>have never gone out of my way to seek vengeance

<v Speaker 1>on these people, never gone out of my way to

<v Speaker 1>do anything. Again, thank god, I've never been in a

<v Speaker 1>truly life threatening situation where I had to come out

<v Speaker 1>publicly and say something. It has made me an extremely

<v Speaker 1>resilient person, and I understand everyone does respond differently. But again,

<v Speaker 1>I really want to be clear when I say that

<v Speaker 1>I'm mentioning people that make this their personality, all right.

<v Speaker 1>I'm not talking about someone that happens to mention a

<v Speaker 1>couple of scenarios that may have happened to them, you know,

<v Speaker 1>as they've you know, grown or what have you. But

<v Speaker 1>I'm talking about people that always have some story in

<v Speaker 1>something going on.

<v Speaker 2>So you have to.

<v Speaker 1>Realize, if you stay a victim, you will never have

<v Speaker 1>to risk failing. Right as the healed version of yourself

<v Speaker 1>if you remain a victim, that's how deep it really is.

<v Speaker 1>So how does self victimization show up in our relationships, Well,

<v Speaker 1>you become the type of person where you're making the

<v Speaker 1>people around you responsible for your own emotional regulation. And

<v Speaker 1>this is why you have people some people that have

<v Speaker 1>high anxiety and you can feel what they do to

<v Speaker 1>a room whenever they come around, where even on a

<v Speaker 1>friendship level, you're nervous of like, oh my gosh, if

<v Speaker 1>I don't answer this person's call, they're going to be

<v Speaker 1>texting and blowing up my phone, or they will start

<v Speaker 1>to a drama with you. Or girl, I heard this,

<v Speaker 1>Like give me a call when you can, because I

<v Speaker 1>want to clear this up.

<v Speaker 2>Like there's always just a story.

<v Speaker 1>Hey just wanted to have a quick conversation with you

<v Speaker 1>about something that was on my mind, Like there's just

<v Speaker 1>always something, Or even when you're on the phone, you're like,

<v Speaker 1>oh can I call you back? Oh yeah, that's fine.

<v Speaker 1>I just wanted to tell you this one thing. Next

<v Speaker 1>thing you know, you're on the phone with them for

<v Speaker 1>an extra forty minutes. They don't know how to just

<v Speaker 1>let things be. They always have to use other people

<v Speaker 1>to be their emotional regulation. They cannot self regulate. They

<v Speaker 1>hate themselves, It's the truth. People that are victims, they

<v Speaker 1>can't face themselves.

<v Speaker 2>That is a form of self hatred, all right.

<v Speaker 1>They're always in constant crisis mode, and they know that

<v Speaker 1>they built the storyline so well that they'll even look

<v Speaker 1>at you like.

<v Speaker 2>See, like.

<v Speaker 1>See this is what I'm going through, you know, because

<v Speaker 1>they want to elaborate on it like you and you're

<v Speaker 1>eating it up, like, oh my gosh, you're right, I

<v Speaker 1>do see. No, you only are seeing things from that

<v Speaker 1>person's lens because that's the storyline that they told you.

<v Speaker 1>But again, you will see how this person responds when

<v Speaker 1>you challenge that thought. Not to be a troll, but

<v Speaker 1>when you're getting a gut instinct that something is really

<v Speaker 1>not something is a little off, and when you ask

<v Speaker 1>them certain questions. I remember I asked this girl a

<v Speaker 1>question once. There was like I saw, like these two

<v Speaker 1>friends fall out. I remember I was the mutual friend

<v Speaker 1>in between them, and I remember I said, well, I mean,

<v Speaker 1>so I was there for certain conversations, but you're retelling

<v Speaker 1>them back to me in a different way. So you

<v Speaker 1>mean to tell me this person went back to you

<v Speaker 1>and told you a different story after I was already

<v Speaker 1>part of the conversation when this person introduced this to

<v Speaker 1>both of us and I was and they were like yeah,

<v Speaker 1>and I was like, okay, I'm just trying to understand how,

<v Speaker 1>like this person was this one way to you. Meanwhile,

<v Speaker 1>you've been the aggressive person this entire time. This person

<v Speaker 1>literally hasn't been and this person is feeling sad and everything,

<v Speaker 1>and you're feeling very angry and like aggressive, and.

<v Speaker 2>That's what's going on.

<v Speaker 1>I said, why do you think that's even happening, Like,

<v Speaker 1>I'm genuinely trying to understand.

<v Speaker 2>Why do you think I don't know? I don't know.

<v Speaker 1>And I was like, well, it doesn't make sense to

<v Speaker 1>me that this person would tell you go on the

<v Speaker 1>side and tell you a different version of events at

<v Speaker 1>the time that you didn't have an issue with until now.

<v Speaker 1>Hindsight's always twenty twenty, so I will give you the

<v Speaker 1>benefit of the doubt. But I was there for that

<v Speaker 1>event and you're calling it back to me as something else, Like,

<v Speaker 1>so this person had to have gone back to you

<v Speaker 1>and told you a different you know what. And I

<v Speaker 1>just knew in my gut, in my adult brain, that

<v Speaker 1>this girl was just lying and she didn't even realize

<v Speaker 1>she was lying, So of course why would she think

<v Speaker 1>she's lying. That's my point here. So, like I said,

<v Speaker 1>the constant crisis mode. Then there's the isolation from others.

<v Speaker 1>Everyone is against me, and these people love and everyone's

<v Speaker 1>against me. When they are in a relationship with a man,

<v Speaker 1>it's always us against the world. And then when they

<v Speaker 1>move on to the next victim, okay, they're gonna be like, oh, yeah,

<v Speaker 1>like I just never have girlfriends, Like I don't know

<v Speaker 1>what it is, Like I'm just like always like to

<v Speaker 1>myself and like just with my relationship, like I just

<v Speaker 1>never really had time to make girlfriends. No, you don't

<v Speaker 1>know how to be a friend. Let's start. You don't

<v Speaker 1>know how to be a friend. You like the concept

<v Speaker 1>of friendship, but you cannot show up in the capacity

<v Speaker 1>that's needed to actually take on the responsibility of maintaining

<v Speaker 1>healthy friendships. You do not have it in you because

<v Speaker 1>you can barely function having a healthy romantic dynamic as well.

<v Speaker 2>That's the truth, right.

<v Speaker 1>They also rewrite history during conflict, events are genuinely not

<v Speaker 1>transpiring the way that they are supposed to.

<v Speaker 2>In this person's head, they're not.

<v Speaker 1>There was something that was said in that dynamic at

<v Speaker 1>the time, and it turned out to be true about

<v Speaker 1>that person, and I personally know it was true, and

<v Speaker 1>they were upset that a person they were involved with

<v Speaker 1>found out. And instead of saying, you know what, I'm

<v Speaker 1>upset that this even came out, but let me hear

<v Speaker 1>what this girl has to say, because why would she

<v Speaker 1>bring it up. Instead, she just chose to ice the

<v Speaker 1>girl out and not even hear what the girl had

<v Speaker 1>to say. When there was strong relations between the girl

<v Speaker 1>and the guy that found out.

<v Speaker 2>Let's just put it like that.

<v Speaker 1>There was strong relation between them from a family perspective,

<v Speaker 1>not like anything weird, and she just flipped the situation around.

<v Speaker 1>When I saw that, I said, oh, okay, like I

<v Speaker 1>could never be friends with someone like this, Like she's

<v Speaker 1>actually crazy because I want to speak to my friend

<v Speaker 1>and say, listen, not only I'm upset and how this

<v Speaker 1>came out, but like she's so obsessed with holding onto

<v Speaker 1>the relationship that she wanted. She clearly valued it and

<v Speaker 1>told me she valued it more than her friendship with

<v Speaker 1>the other girl. But that's weird because I'm all now

<v Speaker 1>looking at this differently I'm feeling like she befriended the

<v Speaker 1>girl so that she could get to her brother, you

<v Speaker 1>know what I mean, Like, I don't know. It was

<v Speaker 1>a messy situation whatever. That's behind me now, but I'm

<v Speaker 1>using it as context as these people will rewrite history

<v Speaker 1>and the very things that they are doing, they are

<v Speaker 1>outright projecting onto you, outright projecting onto you. They'll call

<v Speaker 1>you all types of names in the book. Oh you're

<v Speaker 1>a loser, you're doing this, Oh.

<v Speaker 2>You're doing that. I even had, you know.

<v Speaker 1>One of the things I have to say I realized

<v Speaker 1>as a pet peeve of mine is I hate when

<v Speaker 1>people name things in arguments that they that are not

<v Speaker 1>like that. They expect people to be like whoa about

<v Speaker 1>when it's like it's obvious, Like so, I remember one

<v Speaker 1>time a friend said to me, yeah, and this person

<v Speaker 1>blocked me on this account in that account, in that account,

<v Speaker 1>And I said, so, you're in a fight with this person.

<v Speaker 1>Why wouldn't they block you on all your accounts? That

<v Speaker 1>doesn't make sense, And clearly they were right to do

<v Speaker 1>so because you went and checked it. If it wasn't

<v Speaker 1>even on your mind, you wouldn't even have caught that

<v Speaker 1>or thought to think that, you know, and then what

<v Speaker 1>did that person do?

<v Speaker 2>They ended up blocking.

<v Speaker 1>When me and that person ended up falling out, they

<v Speaker 1>ended up unfriending me on all those pages too, And

<v Speaker 1>I'm like, did you just do the same thing that

<v Speaker 1>you accused the other girl of doing to you before?

<v Speaker 1>Like whatever, So just an unhealthy person all the way around.

<v Speaker 1>And I just knew it was done when I felt

<v Speaker 1>so relieved, like just not having them in my life,

<v Speaker 1>like because I was keeping my distance from them at

<v Speaker 1>the time for a while, because I was just observing

<v Speaker 1>certain behaviors that I just didn't think were an alignment

<v Speaker 1>with myself. But it's hard to tell someone especially that

<v Speaker 1>you know doesn't take accountability.

<v Speaker 2>Hey, this is kind of how I'm feeling.

<v Speaker 1>And I don't really know, like, you know, you'd rather

<v Speaker 1>just like drop it because I realized again, I got

<v Speaker 1>to the point of realizing, I don't want to reconcile this.

<v Speaker 1>I don't want to be your friend. I don't want

<v Speaker 1>to be involved in your life at all, you know,

<v Speaker 1>And that's okay, don't hate you or anything, but just

<v Speaker 1>you're not really my cup of tea.

<v Speaker 2>It is what it is.

<v Speaker 1>So anyways, they also turn boundaries into accusations.

<v Speaker 2>Well, why are you abandoning me? Oh?

<v Speaker 1>You mean I want space and I'm not allowed to

<v Speaker 1>have space for myself. Why are you like they everything

<v Speaker 1>has to be on their timeline, their timeline. They are

<v Speaker 1>always having to send the last text, having the last word, like,

<v Speaker 1>they always have to do stuff that keeps them in

<v Speaker 1>consistent control.

<v Speaker 2>I do not function well in those dynamics. You're done,

<v Speaker 2>all right?

<v Speaker 1>So how do you check yourself without shaming yourself?

<v Speaker 2>Well?

<v Speaker 1>Ask yourself this question. Do I have a problem emitting

<v Speaker 1>when I'm wrong?

<v Speaker 2>Truthfully? Am I repeating the same story without changing my choices?

<v Speaker 2>All right? You can lie to whoever you want, just

<v Speaker 2>don't lie to yourself. Okay? Do my friends feel drained

<v Speaker 2>after supporting me? Am?

<v Speaker 1>I noticing that every time I'm friends with people or

<v Speaker 1>I'm in a romantic dynamic, it hits the same plateau

<v Speaker 1>where I'm realizing the same level of emotions keeps gone

<v Speaker 1>coming up for me. Do I want people to do

<v Speaker 1>I want solutions? Or do I just want people to

<v Speaker 1>agree with me and validate me? Am I avoiding the

<v Speaker 1>growth simply because it's unfamiliar. I just refuse to accept

<v Speaker 1>that maybe the version that of myself that I thought

<v Speaker 1>I had clearly isn't accurate. So maybe I should kind

<v Speaker 1>of absorb some of this for you know, healthy critique here,

<v Speaker 1>because I do think that this person genuinely is my friend,

<v Speaker 1>all right, having self awareness it is not a self attack, right,

<v Speaker 1>it's having self respect, being comfortable in uncomfortable moments. So

<v Speaker 1>I hope that that has resonated with you guys. Okay,

<v Speaker 1>so I'll leave you guys with this note and say

<v Speaker 1>that your trauma may explain you, but it does not

<v Speaker 1>permanently define who you are. So with that being said,

<v Speaker 1>I hope that this episode was very thought provoking, and

<v Speaker 1>do not forget that I love you and God loves

<v Speaker 1>you us VT beautiful Angels in my next video