<v Speaker 1>You never win with these people. You never do.

<v Speaker 2>They have an answer for everything. They are never wrong,

<v Speaker 2>and they cannot take accountability for it, and they always

<v Speaker 2>know how to weasel their way out of some sort

<v Speaker 2>of explanation. Hey, babe, it's Asia Christina.

<v Speaker 1>This is quality tween control. What is happening? Hello, my loves,

<v Speaker 1>Happy Wednesday. Your girl is up and early. I can't

<v Speaker 1>believe it, but believe that.

<v Speaker 2>Okay, Like I am up in early filming this episode,

<v Speaker 2>and I am one hundred percent feeling myself.

<v Speaker 1>Okay. In the words of Kanye n can nobody tell

<v Speaker 1>me nothing?

<v Speaker 2>Right?

<v Speaker 1>Excuse me? Is you singing something?

<v Speaker 2>You can't tell me nothing on this morning? How is

<v Speaker 2>everybody feeling today? As you guys could see, I'm God's

<v Speaker 2>favorite very much, so very much. Yes, we're gonna be

<v Speaker 2>talking about how to become hard to manipulate. This is

<v Speaker 2>This is a very relevant episode to me, because well,

<v Speaker 2>all of them usually are, but this is very relevant

<v Speaker 2>to me because I feel like too many people are

<v Speaker 2>negotiating with terrorists and I don't like that, Okay, negotiating

<v Speaker 2>with these emotional terrorists.

<v Speaker 1>And in your life, you really have to be.

<v Speaker 2>A stickler for your boundaries and it doesn't matter who

<v Speaker 2>it upsets. With that being said, I do remember when

<v Speaker 2>I first started my channel, I was I was swayed

<v Speaker 2>by people's opinions. I feel like there were certain points

<v Speaker 2>in times where I felt like I was trying to

<v Speaker 2>pull back on my messaging how I delivered things because

<v Speaker 2>people always were like, girl, I appreciate the message, but

<v Speaker 2>you didn't have to say it like that. Now I

<v Speaker 2>don't care, I really really don't, because I feel like

<v Speaker 2>either you're gonna like me or you're not, and I'm

<v Speaker 2>okey with whatever you decide. It doesn't make a difference

<v Speaker 2>to me because whoever gonna vibe with me is gonna

<v Speaker 2>vibe with me.

<v Speaker 1>And at the end of the day, I am very likable.

<v Speaker 2>I'm sorry, I am like and I'm sorry if you

<v Speaker 2>just don't want to hear it from like a pretty girl,

<v Speaker 2>because like, is.

<v Speaker 1>That what it is?

<v Speaker 2>I don't know, but that's just my opinion. I'm sorry.

<v Speaker 2>Actually I'm not anyway. Welcome back to quality Queen Control, guys.

<v Speaker 2>As you guys can see, I have high energy on

<v Speaker 2>this morning. It's crazy. I'm trying my best to become

<v Speaker 2>a morning person. And also just you know, really tighten

<v Speaker 2>things up in terms of my productivity and also my

<v Speaker 2>sleep hygiene routine and sleep hygiene I thought meant like

<v Speaker 2>shower before you go to bed, brush your teeth. No,

<v Speaker 2>I mean in terms of my like hygiene of more.

<v Speaker 1>Health, the health aspect of it.

<v Speaker 2>So yesterday I literally put myself to bed because I

<v Speaker 2>knew that I had an early call time with my

<v Speaker 2>producer and I didn't want to disappoint him, you know.

<v Speaker 2>I was like, I can't disappoint my brother. So yeah,

<v Speaker 2>I had to make sure that I put myself in bed.

<v Speaker 2>And at first, I'm not gonna lie, it was going on.

<v Speaker 2>It was twelve fifty four, which wasn't even super early

<v Speaker 2>now that I think about it. Actually, no, was it

<v Speaker 2>my timer is wrong in my bedroom. It might have

<v Speaker 2>been eleven fifty four.

<v Speaker 1>I don't know.

<v Speaker 2>All I knew is I needed to be in bed

<v Speaker 2>before midnight, So I don't know what time it actually was.

<v Speaker 2>And at first it felt strange to me because I

<v Speaker 2>felt like I wasn't tired. I laid in the bed

<v Speaker 2>in the dark, in the pitch dark, and I felt like,

<v Speaker 2>let me just get on my phone and do something

<v Speaker 2>real quick. So I got on my phone and I realized, Okay,

<v Speaker 2>I'm scrolling, scrolling, scrolling in the name of trying to

<v Speaker 2>find some inspiration. And then I'm like, all right, Asha,

<v Speaker 2>put the phone down because you have to go to sleep.

<v Speaker 1>Then I thought, oh, let me read a book.

<v Speaker 2>But then I thought, wait, next thing, I know, it's

<v Speaker 2>going to be midnight, and then i'm I could be

<v Speaker 2>up reading. I don't want to do anything that's going

<v Speaker 2>to make me alert, so let me just next thing,

<v Speaker 2>I know I was, I was knocked out.

<v Speaker 1>I don't even know when it happened.

<v Speaker 2>I just remember waking up at seven am, like I

<v Speaker 2>don't remember when I went to sleep like it, and

<v Speaker 2>I had a very good sleep. The only thing that

<v Speaker 2>I will say is it's always something right. I guess

<v Speaker 2>I would prefer it to be this way. But I

<v Speaker 2>noticed that I woke up and I wasn't tired this time,

<v Speaker 2>which I love that. But I was so cozy and

<v Speaker 2>comfortable I didn't want to get up. So what are

<v Speaker 2>your tips? What are your tricks of making sure that

<v Speaker 2>you get out of bed? I know, I know the

<v Speaker 2>mel Robins theory. You hop out of bed like a

<v Speaker 2>rocket five four three two one, you count backwards right.

<v Speaker 2>There's there's it's neuroscience.

<v Speaker 1>I didn't.

<v Speaker 2>I was like, oh my gosh, I just want to

<v Speaker 2>lay down. I just want to be comfortable. And then

<v Speaker 2>I like doze off for like another second, woke back

<v Speaker 2>up in a panic.

<v Speaker 1>Like, oh, you need to get up. You need to

<v Speaker 1>get up.

<v Speaker 2>Your call time is so early. Needless to say, we

<v Speaker 2>got it done. Okay, we definitely got it done. Also

<v Speaker 2>with that being said, my skin, I guess, is really sensitive.

<v Speaker 2>I'm noticing to certain worder and so my skin like

<v Speaker 2>in between my hands are like actually peeling. Like this

<v Speaker 2>is not we're not talking ash. We're talking like I'm

<v Speaker 2>shedding like a snake. Okay, Like that's what it's giving.

<v Speaker 2>And I literally will take a tweezer. I don't care

<v Speaker 2>if it's CMI, and I will literally just like pull

<v Speaker 2>the dead skin off of my hands like because my

<v Speaker 2>hands are peeling so bad. I don't have eggzema, by

<v Speaker 2>the way, I don't have any sort of like condition

<v Speaker 2>like at all. But my producer just reminded me that

<v Speaker 2>he's like, remember this happened to you like last last time.

<v Speaker 2>And I was like, wait, it's a word issue. I'm

<v Speaker 2>realizing that my ward probably is too harsh and it

<v Speaker 2>needs to It's like it's making my hands peel because

<v Speaker 2>it's not the first time it happened. So anyhow, Hi,

<v Speaker 2>I'm Asha Christina Foster. Nice to meet you. If this

<v Speaker 2>is your first time watching the show, Thank you for joining.

<v Speaker 2>So today we're talking about something like I said that,

<v Speaker 2>I think every emotionally intelligent, self aware, and growth oriented

<v Speaker 2>person struggles with at some point, and that is manipulation. Okay,

<v Speaker 2>and it's not because you are necessarily a weak person.

<v Speaker 2>It's not because you are naive, but it's because your

<v Speaker 2>brain is wired for connection, safety and belonging. Right, Because

<v Speaker 2>we tend I mean we are historically I think even

<v Speaker 2>like psychologically we're also pack animals. I'm not sure if

<v Speaker 2>those are the correct terms to use, but it's backed

<v Speaker 2>up by science pretty much like we don't usually especially

<v Speaker 2>when you are in those mere and middle school, you're

<v Speaker 2>in high school, those are those like strong inclusivity ages

<v Speaker 2>where the last thing you want to be is not.

<v Speaker 1>Like the other girls.

<v Speaker 2>Right, So because people manipulive people, they automatically understand that

<v Speaker 2>our brains are wired for you know, connection safety and belonging.

<v Speaker 2>They might not think about it in that way specifically,

<v Speaker 2>but they have an aware around that, and those types

<v Speaker 2>of people that are manipulative, they know how to hijack okay,

<v Speaker 2>that need that we are wired for connection and things

<v Speaker 2>like that. So we're going to break down the neuroscience

<v Speaker 2>behind manipulation. We're going to talk about why smart and

<v Speaker 2>strong people still get caught in it. Because hello, this

<v Speaker 2>episode is not about narcissists, but narcissists actually only go

<v Speaker 2>after very highly intelligent people.

<v Speaker 1>Believe it or not.

<v Speaker 2>They're not going after the loser, okay, They're going after

<v Speaker 2>people that are extremely intelligent.

<v Speaker 1>And also how your nervous system.

<v Speaker 2>Can get pulled into toxic dynamics, and most importantly, how

<v Speaker 2>to become psychologically hard to manipulate eas without becoming you know,

<v Speaker 2>cold or defensive or even closed off. Right, because the

<v Speaker 2>goal here is not necessarily to be building walls, but

<v Speaker 2>it's to develop and strengthen your discernment spiritually, emotionally and

<v Speaker 2>also neurologically. So yes, we always have to bring faith

<v Speaker 2>into it too, because Jesus, Okay, but because Scripture actually

<v Speaker 2>talks a lot about having to guard your mind right

<v Speaker 2>and also guarding your heart and So when you have

<v Speaker 2>a sound mind and you are walking in wisdom, believe

<v Speaker 2>it or not, neuroscience actually supports all of those things.

<v Speaker 2>So let's get into it. So here's the truth that

<v Speaker 2>most people don't understand. Why does manipulation actually work is

<v Speaker 2>the question. Well, manipulation doesn't work because you are unintelligent,

<v Speaker 2>or you're stupid or what have you. It works because

<v Speaker 2>it actually tends to bypass your logical brain and it

<v Speaker 2>goes straight into your survival system.

<v Speaker 1>Think about that.

<v Speaker 2>So, whenever you're feeling guilty, or you're feeling rushed, or

<v Speaker 2>you're feeling you're like you're afraid of losing someone, or

<v Speaker 2>you're confused after having certain conversations ha hah, or you're

<v Speaker 2>feeling emotionally overwhelmed hmm. These emotions put you in survival mode,

<v Speaker 2>don't they when you rush all these different things. Yeah,

<v Speaker 2>when you're experiencing these high level of emotions is what

<v Speaker 2>makes you susceptible and vulnerable to manipulation and an emphasis.

<v Speaker 2>After being confused after certain conversations, it's easier to be

<v Speaker 2>gas lit. Right, especially when you want a desired outcome. Right,

<v Speaker 2>you're anxious, you're you're feeling like you. You really want

<v Speaker 2>this specific thing to happen for you, You really want

<v Speaker 2>this relationship to work, You really want to be with

<v Speaker 2>this person or what have you. You're emotionally overwhelmed by

<v Speaker 2>all the things that you're feeling. You don't even know

<v Speaker 2>what's going on. So here's the thing we've all heard of,

<v Speaker 2>the term the amagdala. So you're a magdala is the

<v Speaker 2>part of your brain that's responsible for fear and emotional reactions.

<v Speaker 2>And that's where it's in your magdala that these you know,

<v Speaker 2>fear and emotional reactions become activated. And so when you're

<v Speaker 2>a magdala is running the show for you. Uh, your

<v Speaker 2>prefrontal cortex ooh, it's a sciencey an know. But your

<v Speaker 2>prefrontal cortex is the part that's responsible for logic. Right,

<v Speaker 2>this is where we say, oh, by time you're twenty five,

<v Speaker 2>your frontal lobe should be developed.

<v Speaker 1>This is what we're referencing.

<v Speaker 2>So this is the part that's responsible for logic, off

<v Speaker 2>for reasoning, and also decision making. So this means that

<v Speaker 2>you're not stupid, you're just dysregulated. If you think about

<v Speaker 2>all the times that you've been susceptible to gaslighting, and

<v Speaker 2>you've been susceptible to manipulation. Think about what states of

<v Speaker 2>emotion that you're in that puts you in this position

<v Speaker 2>to begin with. Okay, so that's something to consider that

<v Speaker 2>will help to give you clarity on how you ended

<v Speaker 2>up in certain positions. If you all of a sudden

<v Speaker 2>realize you're in a toxic relationship, think about the moment

<v Speaker 2>that happened that all of a sudden turned things around

<v Speaker 2>for you, where that became the normal thing. When did

<v Speaker 2>things turn around for you, where all of a sudden

<v Speaker 2>you turned around and you realize that, wait a second,

<v Speaker 2>I'm desperate for this guy. I really want to be

<v Speaker 2>with this guy. I'm always texting him first. I'm always

<v Speaker 2>the one that's trying to reconcile things. Every time we

<v Speaker 2>get into something, I'm always the one to reach out

<v Speaker 2>to communicate. He's always the one that's wanting to leave. YadA, YadA, YadA.

<v Speaker 2>There's no sort of conflict resolution. So you're always the

<v Speaker 2>one that's putting a band aid on things. You're always

<v Speaker 2>the one that's trying to reconcile. This is how you

<v Speaker 2>become easy to manipulate. Okay, So manipulators, they will They

<v Speaker 2>thrive in dysregulation obviously, right, because we already know how

<v Speaker 2>you become susceptible to these things when you're experiencing certain emotions, right,

<v Speaker 2>and they're usually negative.

<v Speaker 1>So they create people that are manipulative. Are all. One

<v Speaker 1>of their favorite things, girl, is to create urgency. Right.

<v Speaker 2>Oh, everything is so high strung because it will produce

<v Speaker 2>the results that they want. It's lighting a fire under you. Also,

<v Speaker 2>they love confusion. They they thrive in that because they

<v Speaker 2>can feed you whatever narrative they possibly want, or people

<v Speaker 2>that are creating these emotional highs and lows, and that

<v Speaker 2>cycle is meant to keep your nervous system hooked. It's

<v Speaker 2>like the dopamine plus the cortisol coming in. It's like

<v Speaker 2>a back and forth ping pong bing bunk, bing, bump

<v Speaker 2>like whatever. That's what's happening in your system where you're like,

<v Speaker 2>oh my gosh, you become addicted to having the and

<v Speaker 2>striving for those for those good moments with that person.

<v Speaker 1>That's what ends up happening to you.

<v Speaker 2>And as we all know, God is not the author

<v Speaker 2>of confusion, my friend. Okay, And some people, like I said,

<v Speaker 2>they are so used to manufacturing their luck with everything

<v Speaker 2>that they're always they're not surrendering to God, they're not

<v Speaker 2>letting God be God.

<v Speaker 1>No, they are.

<v Speaker 2>Getting involved in situations and driving the entire ship. And

<v Speaker 2>then they're wondering why and they're thinking that, oh, this

<v Speaker 2>is meant to be, this is God.

<v Speaker 1>No, it's not.

<v Speaker 2>It's you forcing situations. You're forcing it. It's not natural, okay,

<v Speaker 2>and you're just throwing God on top of it. And

<v Speaker 2>think about even when I talked about emotional overwhelmed, you

<v Speaker 2>ever feel like somebody is so is like a lot

<v Speaker 2>and you're just like you don't even know what to

<v Speaker 2>think or anything because you just feel like this person

<v Speaker 2>is just so emotionally high strung and heavy that you

<v Speaker 2>don't know how to respond in these types of situations,

<v Speaker 2>like what do you do? What do you do when

<v Speaker 2>somebody is always making you feel just like so on

<v Speaker 2>edge all the time. Okay, So, if you've ever said yes,

<v Speaker 2>think about this. If you've ever said yes when you

<v Speaker 2>meant to say no, right, if you've ever ignored red flags,

<v Speaker 2>if you've ever left a conversation feeling mentally drained or

<v Speaker 2>mentally scrambled, I want to say, actually, then yeah, your

<v Speaker 2>nervous system is probably being hijacked. Okay, so what is

<v Speaker 2>the neuroscience of manipulation. Well, I'm going to break this

<v Speaker 2>down into I want to say three major manipulation, Three

<v Speaker 2>major ways that manipulation tends to impact your brain. And

<v Speaker 2>again it's the amygdala hijack. Right, So this is going

<v Speaker 2>to happen when someone is going to trigger a survival

<v Speaker 2>mode response, which is fear, guilt, shame, And the list

<v Speaker 2>goes on, right, So examples could look like, oh, you're overreacting.

<v Speaker 1>If you really loved me, you would right.

<v Speaker 2>Or well everyone else thinks you're wrong, everyone agrees with me,

<v Speaker 2>So your brain can perceive this as danger. Right, So

<v Speaker 2>instead of standing firm on whatever it is that that

<v Speaker 2>you are supposed to be standing ten so's down on

<v Speaker 2>you try to restore emotional safety by allowing yourself to

<v Speaker 2>become manipulated by that person. That's what ends up happening.

<v Speaker 2>And again it is not because you're weak, but it

<v Speaker 2>is because your brain wants connection.

<v Speaker 1>That's just the truth.

<v Speaker 2>And so another way this is number two that you

<v Speaker 2>know that manipulation hijacks your brain is also through dope,

<v Speaker 2>dopamine loops and emotional addiction. This is kind of what

<v Speaker 2>I was referencing when I was talking about that cortisol

<v Speaker 2>and that dopamine ping pong so hot and cold behavior

<v Speaker 2>creates dopamine spikes. It's sick, isn't it, But yes, it

<v Speaker 2>creates dopamine spikes. And there's nothing worse than losing a

<v Speaker 2>girlfriend to like these types of situations. Like, of course,

<v Speaker 2>there's a lot of things that are worse in the world.

<v Speaker 2>But you guys, understand what I'm what I'm saying. You're

<v Speaker 2>picking up on laying down like when you see it happening,

<v Speaker 2>and you can see your good girlfriend like making excuses

<v Speaker 2>for the guy that she's with, of coming up with

<v Speaker 2>a million reasons of Oh, he just needs me to

<v Speaker 2>fight for him. He just needs me to like, and

<v Speaker 2>I'm like, okay, sure, Like all right, yeah, he just

<v Speaker 2>needs you to fight for him, kay, Okay, Well you

<v Speaker 2>will be fighting for him, and you will also be

<v Speaker 2>fighting with him, Okay, and he will also be fighting you.

<v Speaker 1>That's that's what's gonna happen. And that's how that's gonna go.

<v Speaker 2>So the love bombing then can merge into withdrawal and

<v Speaker 2>then it turns into reconciliation. That's a very toxic. Loopity

<v Speaker 2>loop scoopity scoop. Where you are you want that affection

<v Speaker 2>from that man. You're trying to understand what did I

<v Speaker 2>do wrong? Like how can I be better? It's almost

<v Speaker 2>a natural instinct of how can I be better for

<v Speaker 2>this person? Oh my gosh, Like I don't understand everything

<v Speaker 2>was so fine between us, then I don't understand what happened.

<v Speaker 2>We internalize it, not realizing that this is just this

<v Speaker 2>person's behavior. They are like this with everyone because it

<v Speaker 2>depends on what state of mind that they're in, and

<v Speaker 2>if they are a manipultive person, then they are always

<v Speaker 2>in that state of mind. Really to be honest with you,

<v Speaker 2>because there's no excuse for that in any capacity. But

<v Speaker 2>dealing with manipulative people is just so mentally exhausting because

<v Speaker 2>you never win with these people.

<v Speaker 1>You never do.

<v Speaker 2>They have an answer for everything. They are never wrong,

<v Speaker 2>and they cannot take accountability for it, and they always

<v Speaker 2>know how to weasel their way out of some sort

<v Speaker 2>of explanation. I digress, So your brain will then become

<v Speaker 2>addicted to the relief. Think about what it is that

<v Speaker 2>I'm saying. So, like I said, you have the love

<v Speaker 2>bombing and then you have the withdrawal, and then you

<v Speaker 2>have the reconciliation. So your brain gets addicted to the

<v Speaker 2>relief that comes from Okay, I got I got them

<v Speaker 2>back after the reconciliation phase, right, so you're like, oh, okay.

<v Speaker 1>You feel better.

<v Speaker 2>You then tend to remedy the situation in the same

<v Speaker 2>cycle over and over again, so you're you know, not

<v Speaker 2>it's not necessarily the person, but it's the relief of

<v Speaker 2>oh my gosh, when will they finally act kind to

<v Speaker 2>me again? When are things going to restore to normal again?

<v Speaker 2>So inevitably you're going to stay a lot longer than

<v Speaker 2>you should because your nervous system is trying to chase stability,

<v Speaker 2>all right, in this specific context, you're trying to get

<v Speaker 2>things back and regulate them so that they can be normal.

<v Speaker 2>And that's not really that's not really up to you.

<v Speaker 2>If somebody is going to be bringing these emotions out

<v Speaker 2>of you, trust me, like you're fighting a losing battle.

<v Speaker 1>Okay.

<v Speaker 2>The next thing, the third thing is cognitive overload and confusion. Ooh,

<v Speaker 2>this is a great one, because some people they intentionally

<v Speaker 2>overwhelm conversations. I remember I was mediating a conversation between

<v Speaker 2>two friends, and I was so taken aback and disgusted

<v Speaker 2>and disappointed at how one party was speaking to the other.

<v Speaker 2>And I instantly knew in my adult brain that the

<v Speaker 2>person that was being the aggressive person had something to hide.

<v Speaker 2>Liars have to lie first and fast, right, they have

<v Speaker 2>to get ahead of a narrative. Okay, So I knew

<v Speaker 2>that she was she had something to hide. She was

<v Speaker 2>over talking the other girl. She was being aggressive, interjecting,

<v Speaker 2>cutting her off, everything you can think of in the

<v Speaker 2>name of oh. I was just upset and I have

<v Speaker 2>a lot of questions, and she was just so masculine

<v Speaker 2>in how she was stewarding the conversation. I'm not saying

<v Speaker 2>there's anything wrong with being upset. That's not what I'm saying.

<v Speaker 2>Of course, you're going to be upset, and you're not going.

<v Speaker 1>To be like, oh, oh, I'm so angry.

<v Speaker 2>That's not lost on me, but you out of respect

<v Speaker 2>for what once was to me, the conversation should have

<v Speaker 2>been better. The point that I'm trying to get at is,

<v Speaker 2>and I know it was correct. She we invited somebody

<v Speaker 2>over that shouldn't have been there, and knowing she was

<v Speaker 2>going to have this conversation, and what she decided to

<v Speaker 2>do instead was she wanted to pretend to the other

<v Speaker 2>person that she was being a good person by attempting

<v Speaker 2>to hear out what the other friend.

<v Speaker 1>Had to say.

<v Speaker 2>But she knew that she wasn't going to give her

<v Speaker 2>the ability to speak because she didn't want my other

<v Speaker 2>friend saying something that she didn't want that other person

<v Speaker 2>to hear. And I know that for a fact because

<v Speaker 2>she pretty much admitted it to me and was like, well,

<v Speaker 2>I didn't want so, and so hearing more lies that

<v Speaker 2>this person was going to say. And that's when it

<v Speaker 2>was confirmation in my head of ah, so that's why

<v Speaker 2>you did that. That makes sense because that's exactly what

<v Speaker 2>I thought. Why you wouldn't even hear out anything this

<v Speaker 2>person had to say. And that was the whole entire

<v Speaker 2>purpose of the conversation was to hear what this person

<v Speaker 2>had to say. And you all of a sudden decided

<v Speaker 2>you didn't want to hear anything from this person after

<v Speaker 2>talking everyone's ear off and making it such a big

<v Speaker 2>deal that you were concerned, and why this person stops

<v Speaker 2>speaking to you and now you have no room to

<v Speaker 2>hear what this person had to say somebody that you

<v Speaker 2>thought you were so close to. I'm sorry, not my

<v Speaker 2>type of person, Like you have to go. I'm not

<v Speaker 2>saying be friends. That was not the purpose of the conversation.

<v Speaker 2>But it's just it's scrimped I'm trying to control the

<v Speaker 2>situation and I don't want to hear what you have

<v Speaker 2>to say because it's going to change someone else's impression

<v Speaker 2>of me as well. Meanwhile, you shouldn't have invited that

<v Speaker 2>person into the conversation then, because the purpose of the

<v Speaker 2>conversation was supposed to be between you know, specific individuals.

<v Speaker 1>Okay, I digress.

<v Speaker 2>So I was giving that example because that person was

<v Speaker 2>so intentionally overwhelming in the conversation, because she was trying

<v Speaker 2>to steward the conversation in a certain direction because she

<v Speaker 2>didn't want certain things to come out about her. And

<v Speaker 2>I understand that whether she believes those things are true

<v Speaker 2>or not, it doesn't really matter because they are, but

<v Speaker 2>she was trying to she's focusing on a certain topic

<v Speaker 2>or whatever. Who cares these types of people overall? In general,

<v Speaker 2>they will change the topic when it comes to intentionally

<v Speaker 2>overwhelming conversations. They will like nitpick out a point and

<v Speaker 2>you're like wait, why are they nitpicking at a certain point,

<v Speaker 2>and that's not my point. I'm not understanding why this

<v Speaker 2>is what you're concluding from this conversation. They also tend

<v Speaker 2>to rewrite history, all right, history revisionists. They are not,

<v Speaker 2>I realized. Actually shout out to God, my Lord and Savior,

<v Speaker 2>Jesus Christ, because clearly I've realized that, Yes, my ministry

<v Speaker 2>is people and relationships. But I am still capable of

<v Speaker 2>looking at myself objectively, which I realize is not an

<v Speaker 2>easy thing to do. I can't objectify myself in the

<v Speaker 2>sense where I could just call out all the amazing

<v Speaker 2>things I've done.

<v Speaker 1>But I mean, I.

<v Speaker 2>Can look objectively at where I went wrong in certain

<v Speaker 2>situations and say, all right, you know what, I own

<v Speaker 2>that I shouldn't have said that, I shouldn't have did that.

<v Speaker 2>That's on me. It's uncomfortable, but I own it. You know,

<v Speaker 2>I shouldn't have responded in that way. I shouldn't have

<v Speaker 2>done that, and I will accept it and move and

<v Speaker 2>move forward.

<v Speaker 1>But not that many people can do that.

<v Speaker 2>Just like how some people will be miserable and they

<v Speaker 2>can't contain their misery.

<v Speaker 1>Not everybody can do that.

<v Speaker 2>So with that being said, yeah, there are a lot

<v Speaker 2>of people that are history revisionists because it serves them

<v Speaker 2>so much. They can't stand the mass cracking and realizing,

<v Speaker 2>oh gosh, I am in fact not who I think

<v Speaker 2>I am. Well you're not, so you might want to

<v Speaker 2>fix that. They'll also use something called word salad. They're

<v Speaker 2>just it just doesn't even make sense the confusion that

<v Speaker 2>you feel from this conversation.

<v Speaker 1>It doesn't even add up. Why do you have to

<v Speaker 1>do all of it?

<v Speaker 2>And then they're also they also tend to be the

<v Speaker 2>type of people that are shifting the blame constantly. Well,

<v Speaker 2>if you didn't do this, then, like everything always just

<v Speaker 2>has to make sense to them, instead of just shutting

<v Speaker 2>up and being honest and saying, you know what, these

<v Speaker 2>things that I did were not right and I own them,

<v Speaker 2>and to be honest with you, I mean, we're in

<v Speaker 2>a perfect world.

<v Speaker 1>Again.

<v Speaker 2>High emotional intelligence here is being vulnerable and understanding, you

<v Speaker 2>know what, I was having a really bad week and

<v Speaker 2>I was very dramatic about this, and I shouldn't have been.

<v Speaker 2>And I also understand that the things that I'm about

<v Speaker 2>to say are probably going to make you not want

<v Speaker 2>to be my friend anymore. But I at least I'm

<v Speaker 2>getting it off my chest and I'm sorry and just

<v Speaker 2>having a heart to heart moment like that. That's how

<v Speaker 2>I approach situations. I am very aware that a lot

<v Speaker 2>of people are not like that, So you're never going

<v Speaker 2>to have these really you know, candid and transparent moments

<v Speaker 2>where people are just being honest and vulnerable and saying

<v Speaker 2>like this is where my head was at when I

<v Speaker 2>felt this emotion and why I responded the way that

<v Speaker 2>I did. You know why, because it forces you to

<v Speaker 2>take accountability, which means that you have to then change.

<v Speaker 2>You'd rather stay stuck and you're priding your ego and

<v Speaker 2>be right, do you want peace or do you want victory?

<v Speaker 2>All right, So here's the powerful thing. Confusion is actually

<v Speaker 2>not always miscommunication, hear me out. Sometimes it's actually a strategy,

<v Speaker 2>a strategy to attack your nervous system. If I can

<v Speaker 2>cause confusion here, then this can they won't ever realize

<v Speaker 2>the truth and I can sway things in my favor.

<v Speaker 2>You have to think, what is the motive? Why do

<v Speaker 2>people lie because they're trying to hide something? Why don't

<v Speaker 2>people startup confusion because they're trying to hide something? Okay,

<v Speaker 2>like you can never get to the bottom of things

<v Speaker 2>when confusion is so prevalent in the dynamic and in

<v Speaker 2>the atmosphere. So your brain tends to shut down. When

<v Speaker 2>it's overloaded, you're going to shut down. And when you're

<v Speaker 2>mentally exhausted, you're easier to influence. Obviously, that's how that works.

<v Speaker 2>That's how you become primed for manipulation. And so what

<v Speaker 2>are the signs that your brain is actually being manipulated? Well,

<v Speaker 2>you have to ask yourself this question. Do I feel

<v Speaker 2>rushed when I'm making decisions?

<v Speaker 1>Also, not for nothing.

<v Speaker 2>From a friendship perspective, do you feel anxiety when that

<v Speaker 2>person's calling you, Like it's like, oh my gosh, Like

<v Speaker 2>I don't even want to talk to her, Like I'm like,

<v Speaker 2>I'm actually scared of the emotional heaviness behind anything that

<v Speaker 2>comes out of this woman's mouth. Or you ever go

<v Speaker 2>out with someone and everything is a big production, Like

<v Speaker 2>it just really makes you extra grateful for your friends

<v Speaker 2>that you don't need to have a social battery for

<v Speaker 2>Like I have been involved with certain individuals and they

<v Speaker 2>just like make me feel so uneasy, Like everything is

<v Speaker 2>such a project and a production for them, and it's

<v Speaker 2>so and they always have to like take over and

<v Speaker 2>take charge of everything, which is crazy because I would

<v Speaker 2>say I have a pretty strong personality, but I'm very balanced.

<v Speaker 2>I know when to speak and when not to speak.

<v Speaker 2>I don't feel like every room I go into I

<v Speaker 2>need to be the biggest, the loudest, the I don't

<v Speaker 2>need to be seen everywhere that I go.

<v Speaker 1>I really don't.

<v Speaker 2>I'm very comfortable with myself, very confident in what I

<v Speaker 2>have going on for myself. I don't need to always

<v Speaker 2>make myself see known all these different things. I just

<v Speaker 2>I don't understand it. So when I see people that

<v Speaker 2>tend to be this way and behave this way, very

<v Speaker 2>self aggrandizing behavior, it's it's very concerning. When I the

<v Speaker 2>second I feel relieved that that call stopped ringing on

<v Speaker 2>my phone, I already know that you're it's a taking

<v Speaker 2>time bomb for you, babe, Like you you have to

<v Speaker 2>go because this is like it's not going to work

<v Speaker 2>long term. Anytime someone's making you feel anxiety like that

<v Speaker 2>in a friendship or in a romantic dynamic, you're feeling

<v Speaker 2>like you always have to over explain yourself.

<v Speaker 1>It's very very strange.

<v Speaker 2>There was this girl I knew one time, and it

<v Speaker 2>was I don't even I don't even know why I'm

<v Speaker 2>bringing this example up because this might not even be

<v Speaker 2>the best because she was a strange person herself, but

<v Speaker 2>she I remember she got flowers to her house one day,

<v Speaker 2>and she's a manipulative person actually herself, like the relationship

<v Speaker 2>that she was in, they both manipulated each other, which

<v Speaker 2>was interesting dynamic.

<v Speaker 1>I remember her getting flowers.

<v Speaker 2>To her house and she was supposed to see some

<v Speaker 2>guy later and she was like she was lying to

<v Speaker 2>him about where she got the flowers from. And it

<v Speaker 2>wasn't even from someone suspicious. It was from like like

<v Speaker 2>one of her like older friends who's like a mom

<v Speaker 2>to her. And I was like, why are you lying

<v Speaker 2>about where you got flowers from? Like where does this

<v Speaker 2>anxiety come from? This trauma response that you're all of

<v Speaker 2>a sudden feeling like you're unsafe to tell this guy

<v Speaker 2>where you got flowers from and it's not even from

<v Speaker 2>anything sketchy. What did you say? What did you do

<v Speaker 2>that you feel uncomfortable telling the truth? Like I don't know,

<v Speaker 2>like if you're feeling like you have to over explain

<v Speaker 2>yourself all the time, hmm, that tells you everything you

<v Speaker 2>need to know. Right if you're feeling like every time

<v Speaker 2>you are out with your friends, you're you're man. You

<v Speaker 2>have to text your man all these different things twenty

<v Speaker 2>four to seven because you don't want to make him

<v Speaker 2>feel like you've just abandoned him to go hang out

<v Speaker 2>with your girls. And there's that weird sense of anxiety

<v Speaker 2>that you're feeling because you're just concerned about how he's feeling.

<v Speaker 2>You can't even enjoy yourself in a moment where you're,

<v Speaker 2>God forbid, you don't think about this man while you're

<v Speaker 2>hanging out with your girlfriends. You guys are just having

<v Speaker 2>a little night in at one of the girls' houses,

<v Speaker 2>and he's like blowing up your phone, and you're feeling

<v Speaker 2>like you're like the entire time you spent with them

<v Speaker 2>has been hijacked by you being preoccupied with killing him down. Okay,

<v Speaker 2>do you feel guilty for normal needs? Normal things? Are

<v Speaker 2>you feeling guilty for them? You know exactly what it

<v Speaker 2>is that I'm talking about. Do you leave conversations feeling

<v Speaker 2>confused that actually I will never forget the first time

<v Speaker 2>this happened to me, I was like, Okay, I used

<v Speaker 2>to want to be a lawyer, and I am great

<v Speaker 2>at remembering what I need to say when I'm talking

<v Speaker 2>to somebody. So but mind you, I don't like arguing

<v Speaker 2>and debating. I really don't like I'm na say my

<v Speaker 2>little one too. I might not, but I don't want

<v Speaker 2>to go back and forth with you. I really don't, Okay.

<v Speaker 2>I remember the first time I encountered someone that every

<v Speaker 2>time I would speak to them, I felt so confused

<v Speaker 2>that I was recording conversations so I can listen to

<v Speaker 2>it back because I just felt like I lost my

<v Speaker 2>mind every time I spoke with them, I couldn't understand it.

<v Speaker 2>I was always leaving conversations feeling confused, and then I

<v Speaker 2>would think that I would address them, but he would

<v Speaker 2>like wiggle his way out, like I don't know. It

<v Speaker 2>was very bizarre. Do you feel the need to over

<v Speaker 2>explain yourself constantly? Do you feel relief once that person

<v Speaker 2>is nice to you again?

<v Speaker 1>Uh? Oh uh oh.

<v Speaker 2>I have watched certain women make certain decisions with men

<v Speaker 2>that have wrecked their lives, picked up addictions, lost friend groups,

<v Speaker 2>isolated themselves all the things by their choices in men.

<v Speaker 2>Let me tell you this, you can never be a

<v Speaker 2>girl's girl if you were going to be a male

<v Speaker 2>centered woman, if the affection of a man always matters

<v Speaker 2>more to you than having grounded relationships with girls that

<v Speaker 2>are going to be here before him and after him

<v Speaker 2>and during him. Okay, okay, you will never ever be

<v Speaker 2>a girl's girl if that's gonna be your mentality. So

<v Speaker 2>if your friendships are being affected by your relationship choices,

<v Speaker 2>that's a cause for concern. If you trust your said friends,

<v Speaker 2>you should know that they want the best for you, right, Okay,

<v Speaker 2>are you someone that's doubting your own memory or your

<v Speaker 2>own intuition? Oh, I just think that, you know, I

<v Speaker 2>don't think that's actually the way that it happened. Oh

<v Speaker 2>you know what, I think I was just overthinking it.

<v Speaker 2>Like it really is exhausting when you see someone talk

<v Speaker 2>themselves out of something that actually is true.

<v Speaker 1>It's ridiculous.

<v Speaker 2>I had a friend once that literally she saw her

<v Speaker 2>boyfriend at a certain concert and got sent a photo

<v Speaker 2>picture of him, and she was like, no, that's not him.

<v Speaker 1>I think that's like actually one of his friends.

<v Speaker 2>And I'm like, okay, Like I'm actually like nervous because

<v Speaker 2>that's blatantly that man, Like, what do you not see?

<v Speaker 2>What are you choosing to be blind? In the words

<v Speaker 2>of Sizza, I can't see I'm blind? Yeah you are,

<v Speaker 2>and that's scary. If you can, if you can talk

<v Speaker 2>yourself out of things, baby, oh my gosh. Well you

<v Speaker 2>don't need that man to do it for you because

<v Speaker 2>you've already done it to yourself. You're manipulating yourself. He

<v Speaker 2>doesn't need to manipulate you. That's what some of you

<v Speaker 2>do too, self manipulation. But that's the story for another day. Okay,

<v Speaker 2>does my body feel tense even when I'm telling myself

<v Speaker 2>that everything is fine? Do you know how they say

<v Speaker 2>it's all in the eyes, Chico, Well, it's all in

<v Speaker 2>the body. Cheka, Okay, it's all in the body. It's true.

<v Speaker 2>Your body is often times more aware before your mind

<v Speaker 2>actually catches up.

<v Speaker 1>Mmm.

<v Speaker 2>So desertment actually starts in your nervous system. It's not

<v Speaker 2>just in your thoughts. Okay, all right, So how do

<v Speaker 2>we become hard to manipulate? Oh?

<v Speaker 1>The part that we've all been waiting for? All right?

<v Speaker 2>Notice I didn't say how do you become cold? How

<v Speaker 2>do you just like you know, have RBF? We are

<v Speaker 2>becoming regulated and also decerning Okay, we're not trying to

<v Speaker 2>preach anything uh toxic over here. But you want to

<v Speaker 2>slow down with your decisions, right, So say, I don't

<v Speaker 2>make decisions and emotional moments, right. I would rather talk

<v Speaker 2>about this in person. I don't feel comfortable talking about

<v Speaker 2>this via text. And I remember, like I'm the wrong person.

<v Speaker 2>If you want to text me a long paragraph, don't

<v Speaker 2>bother because not only will I not read it, but

<v Speaker 2>I also won't answer it. Because to me, certain conversations

<v Speaker 2>should not be done within the context of a text message.

<v Speaker 1>Bring back the old.

<v Speaker 2>School days where we are having because to me, Babe,

<v Speaker 2>anything I have to say to you, I'm saying to

<v Speaker 2>your face, and I would hope that you actually feel

<v Speaker 2>the same to say it to my face, just saying

<v Speaker 2>I don't know, Like I can stand Tanto's down on

<v Speaker 2>how I feel if given the floor to do so.

<v Speaker 2>But some people want to just chat GBT things all

<v Speaker 2>day and they want to have a conversation with you

<v Speaker 2>to win, like get a response out of you, provoke

<v Speaker 2>a response out of you, win some sort of ENVISI

<v Speaker 2>war with you via text message. You want to hear

<v Speaker 2>from me good luck though, good luck, but you won't

<v Speaker 2>be hearing from me. So this is going to allow

<v Speaker 2>your logical brain to come back right and to help

<v Speaker 2>you make decisions. So you always want to regulate before

<v Speaker 2>you are responding. You never want to respond at the

<v Speaker 2>heat of the moment because the first thing that comes

<v Speaker 2>to mind when you're experiencing negative emotions is never going

<v Speaker 2>to be the best thing, right, So you want to pause,

<v Speaker 2>You want to breathe, you want to just take space,

<v Speaker 2>be present, Okay, and what just happened. You don't need

<v Speaker 2>to resolve conflict when you are feeling disregulated. And this

<v Speaker 2>is what some people don't understand talking about that emotional overwhelmed.

<v Speaker 1>This is in these moments.

<v Speaker 2>This is what I'm showing you do not allow people

<v Speaker 2>to override you and cause you to draw conclusions and

<v Speaker 2>make decisions based on your current state when you don't

<v Speaker 2>want to do so. Okay, A regulated nervous system is

<v Speaker 2>incredibly difficult to manipulate. So you also should name what

<v Speaker 2>is happening to you, right, So when you label what

<v Speaker 2>a tactic is, you can say, like, I.

<v Speaker 1>Feel rushed right now? All right, this sounds like guilt.

<v Speaker 2>You activating your logical processing is going to reduce the

<v Speaker 2>emotional hijacking, because you can't keep on going in circles

<v Speaker 2>in your head trying to come up with what it

<v Speaker 2>is that you're experiencing. And then you also want to

<v Speaker 2>watch patterns, not intensity. Watch the patterns because it's always

<v Speaker 2>going to be intense.

<v Speaker 1>Okay.

<v Speaker 2>Dopamine thrives on highs and lows. Please remember that the

<v Speaker 2>dopamine and the cortosol connection.

<v Speaker 1>All right.

<v Speaker 2>Consistency is the truth. Intensity is the distraction. I'll say

<v Speaker 2>it again. Consistency is the truth. Intensity is the distraction.

<v Speaker 1>Okay.

<v Speaker 2>And then you want to practice micro boundaries, well, small nos.

<v Speaker 1>You know.

<v Speaker 2>I remember the first time I tested a no in

<v Speaker 2>a friendship where I was supposed to go to hang

<v Speaker 2>out at someone's house and then I was like, you

<v Speaker 2>know what, I just have so.

<v Speaker 1>Much work to do, which was the actual truth.

<v Speaker 2>I realized it didn't make sense for me to go

<v Speaker 2>hang out at this person's house when I had work

<v Speaker 2>to do. Okay, Yeah, And they were completely fine with it. Actually,

<v Speaker 2>they were like, oh my gosh, I understand business first.

<v Speaker 2>You know, things ended up changing, but it's fine. In

<v Speaker 2>the moment, I was grateful that she was like, oh, no,

<v Speaker 2>business first, I totally understand, and I do believe that

<v Speaker 2>she didn't mean it at that time. You know, also

<v Speaker 2>small pauses, you don't have to be responding again, you

<v Speaker 2>don't have to showcase the same level of intensity just

<v Speaker 2>because someone is showcasing that to you, okay. And then

<v Speaker 2>also small clarifications. You know, there's nothing quite like a

<v Speaker 2>well what did you mean by that? What did you

<v Speaker 2>mean when you said? And forcing someone to explain whatever

<v Speaker 2>ridiculousness that they're trying to project onto you. All right,

<v Speaker 2>So your brain it learns safety through repetition. Your brain

<v Speaker 2>learns through repetition period, right, So boundaries, it's just about

<v Speaker 2>neurological training, rewiring your brain, right, rewiring the things that

<v Speaker 2>you used to do and replacing them with your boundaries. Now, okay,

<v Speaker 2>so that's what it's really about. And then of course

<v Speaker 2>in scripture it says that God has given us a

<v Speaker 2>sound mind, okay, not a spirit of fear. So a

<v Speaker 2>sound mind means clarity, groundedness, desern men, Jesus. He walked

<v Speaker 2>away from crowds, he was flipping tables. He didn't explain

<v Speaker 2>himself to everyone, He didn't allow the urgency of whatever

<v Speaker 2>crisis was going on dictate his decisions. Think about that.

<v Speaker 2>And Proverbs actually speaks constantly about wisdom and also deserve.

<v Speaker 2>So guarding your heart is not it's not paranoia. It

<v Speaker 2>is stewardship of your of your temple, all right, spiritually

<v Speaker 2>and also neurologically. So deserment is not about, you know, judgmentalness.

<v Speaker 2>That's what people tend to think that it is. It

<v Speaker 2>is not.

<v Speaker 1>It is simply alignment with the truth.

<v Speaker 2>Okay, So make sure that you guys are asking yourself.

<v Speaker 1>Do I feel rushed? Do I feel confused?

<v Speaker 2>Am I overriding my own body's signals?

<v Speaker 1>You know where?

<v Speaker 2>Do I abandon my own clarity to maintain this connection?

<v Speaker 2>Do my desires outweigh reality of what's actually going on here?

<v Speaker 1>Hello? Okay?

<v Speaker 2>Because like I said, the goal is not that we

<v Speaker 2>become unloving, it's that we become regulated. We become self trusting,

<v Speaker 2>emotionally stable, and also spiritually grounded. Right, the Holy Spirit's

<v Speaker 2>going to help you make dessern the you know when

<v Speaker 2>to leave situations and things like that.

<v Speaker 1>So remember this.

<v Speaker 2>When your nervous system is stable, manipulation is going to

<v Speaker 2>lose its power, so you're not difficult to manipulate because

<v Speaker 2>you're a cold person. You become hard to manipulate because

<v Speaker 2>you are clear. Okay, thank you guys for being here

<v Speaker 2>spending time with me. With that being said, do not

<v Speaker 2>forget that I love you and God loves you. I'll

<v Speaker 2>stay to your beautiful angels in the next episode.

<v Speaker 1>Nah