<v Speaker 1>There is psychological comfort in powerlessness because the responsibility of

<v Speaker 1>what they need to do, the work they need to do,

<v Speaker 1>it feels heavy. Responsibility means well, I can't blame my

<v Speaker 1>ex for everything you stayed in that relationship.

<v Speaker 2>It takes two to tango.

<v Speaker 1>Hey, babe, it's Asia Christina.

<v Speaker 2>This is Quality Queen Control. What is happening? Hello?

<v Speaker 1>Everyone, welcome back to Quality Queen Control. I am your host,

<v Speaker 1>Asha Christina Foster. How are you feeling on today? I'm

<v Speaker 1>actually having a great day because not only did I

<v Speaker 1>wake up early, well, I tend to wake up early

<v Speaker 1>on my shoot days. It's something that I'm trying to

<v Speaker 1>utilize as inspiration for continuing to wake up early on

<v Speaker 1>days where I don't necessarily have to. Okay, I'm also

<v Speaker 1>running on two hours of sleep and I'm not tired whatsoever. Strange,

<v Speaker 1>I know, but it's fine. But I hope you're doing

<v Speaker 1>well and let's get into today's episode. Okay, accountability, all right,

<v Speaker 1>we need to talk about it. I understand that things

<v Speaker 1>happen to all of us, but we can't rest in

<v Speaker 1>victimizing ourselves all the time. There was a quote that

<v Speaker 1>someone said, and it said they said, we may not

<v Speaker 1>be responsible for what happened to us, but it is

<v Speaker 1>still our job to heal from it. And that's the

<v Speaker 1>reality of the situation. So there is a difference between

<v Speaker 1>being hurt and then building a home inside of your hurt.

<v Speaker 2>Right.

<v Speaker 1>So that's a conversation that I honestly feel like we

<v Speaker 1>don't really have enough, because somewhere along the way, accountability

<v Speaker 1>starts to feel like an attack for some people, and

<v Speaker 1>empowerment starts feeling like.

<v Speaker 2>A little bit invalidation.

<v Speaker 1>So let me say this clearly before we actually move forward.

<v Speaker 1>Pin obviously is very real. Betrayal is very real, trauma

<v Speaker 1>is real, being mistreated is very real. But self victimization,

<v Speaker 1>which is what I'm speaking to, is something completely different. Okay,

<v Speaker 1>So self victimization is basically when your pain stops being

<v Speaker 1>something that you process and it starts being something that

<v Speaker 1>you perform. Okay, you could just tell that story at

<v Speaker 1>the drop of the hat. Can't you write like, are

<v Speaker 1>are you really here with me? Are you really feeling

<v Speaker 1>the things that you're saying?

<v Speaker 2>All right?

<v Speaker 1>So in every story that you tell, it has the

<v Speaker 1>same sort of structure, the same sort of storyline. You

<v Speaker 1>were wrong, you were blindsided, you were misunderstood, you were targeted,

<v Speaker 1>and somehow you are never responsible for absolutely anything.

<v Speaker 2>I find that fascinating.

<v Speaker 1>It's not your choices, it's not your patterns, it's not

<v Speaker 1>the red flags you ignored, it's not the boundaries you

<v Speaker 1>didn't set, it's not the apologies you never gave.

<v Speaker 2>It's just pain.

<v Speaker 1>It's just blame, and it's just another story that confirms

<v Speaker 1>that the world is against you. So that's what makes

<v Speaker 1>this tricky, especially in our generation, because we have language now,

<v Speaker 1>we have therapy terms. We have triggered, we have gas led,

<v Speaker 1>we have nurcissists, and we also left toxic. Those things

<v Speaker 1>are real, but like I said, we have now incorporated.

<v Speaker 1>So first of all, some people are really just cray

<v Speaker 1>z okay, cray cray crazy, and they have they use

<v Speaker 1>this language how I don't know, because they should be

<v Speaker 1>in therapy, so I don't know where they're learning this language.

<v Speaker 1>They want to spend more time reading on things and

<v Speaker 1>thinking that they are doing a service to the world

<v Speaker 1>by utilizing these terms in some way, shape or form

<v Speaker 1>to make themselves seem informed. Maybe it's some sort of

<v Speaker 1>mask to deflect from the fact that they actually need

<v Speaker 1>to take their own advice. But having vocabulary is not

<v Speaker 1>the same as having self awareness.

<v Speaker 2>Quote that okay, and but a.

<v Speaker 1>Pin in that one. So what does self victimization actually

<v Speaker 1>look like? Well, every story begins you know, or positions

<v Speaker 1>them as powerless. Some of you need to study the

<v Speaker 1>characteristics too of actually what being a victim actually is like,

<v Speaker 1>because the personality isn't really matching like the it's not

<v Speaker 1>really like aligning with what you're trying to portray.

<v Speaker 2>But I digress.

<v Speaker 1>There's never any ownership ever, and then sometimes even if

<v Speaker 1>there is, you can tell that that is even performative.

<v Speaker 1>Like you ever have someone say sorry to you and

<v Speaker 1>they're saying sorry just because they know that sorry is

<v Speaker 1>the right thing to say, but you know that there's

<v Speaker 1>absolutely nothing behind it.

<v Speaker 2>They do not actually mean it. They're constantly retelling.

<v Speaker 1>The same wounds without any sort of movement, no sort

<v Speaker 1>of change in any in any way. What have I

<v Speaker 1>said in my last couple of podcast episodes, Certain relationships

<v Speaker 1>will keep you honest and one of the main ways

<v Speaker 1>to see if someone is going to stand on what

<v Speaker 1>they say. And I can only speak from a woman's perspective,

<v Speaker 1>Being a woman is a romantic dynamic it will keep

<v Speaker 1>you honest without your consent, okay, because we're going to

<v Speaker 1>see if you really are the person you think you are.

<v Speaker 1>All right, weaponizing therapy language like I'm triggered right to

<v Speaker 1>avoid accountability is also what self victimization tends to look like,

<v Speaker 1>making every disagreement feel like an attack. You are uncomfortable

<v Speaker 1>sitting in the discomfort, Okay. This has to do with

<v Speaker 1>emotional intelligence here, you're uncomfortable with hearing feedback the babe

<v Speaker 1>you actually need, okay. And then you also only surround

<v Speaker 1>yourself around people who validate you and they never challenge

<v Speaker 1>you because you have an answer for everything, all right.

<v Speaker 1>Like I said, the pain that we experience in life

<v Speaker 1>is very real. But when pain becomes your entire identity,

<v Speaker 1>then of course growth is going to feel like a

<v Speaker 1>threat to you, right, Okay, So let's talk about the

<v Speaker 1>psychology behind it. So the things that we tend to

<v Speaker 1>gain when we are self victimizing, right, is attention, it's validation,

<v Speaker 1>it's pity. It can look like, you know, lowered expectations

<v Speaker 1>as well. And our nervous system is always trying to

<v Speaker 1>go towards what feels familiar to us, whether that's chaos

<v Speaker 1>or or even sympathy. Right, you also have learned helplessness.

<v Speaker 1>Some people do tend to have learned helplessness a fear

<v Speaker 1>of responsibility, because responsibility means you have to change.

<v Speaker 2>Okay.

<v Speaker 1>Social media also tends to sometimes reward victim narratives, So

<v Speaker 1>if you think to yourself, well, if I stay the victim,

<v Speaker 1>then I never have to risk failing as the healed

<v Speaker 1>version of myself because it's just too hard, so I'd

<v Speaker 1>rather just stay where I am. The thing is, this

<v Speaker 1>is not always a conscious decision that you may be making,

<v Speaker 1>but it is definitely a subconscious decision that you are making.

<v Speaker 1>So the important thing to identify here is, well, how

<v Speaker 1>does self victimization show up in relationships?

<v Speaker 2>Okay?

<v Speaker 1>Well, one, you're gonna be the type of person that

<v Speaker 1>makes your partners responsible for your emotional regulation. You can

<v Speaker 1>never be everything to everyone. There is nothing more exhausting

<v Speaker 1>than that. I can definitely relate to that on a

<v Speaker 1>friendship level. I can't relate to that on a romantic level.

<v Speaker 1>But that pressure of feeling like you are everything to

<v Speaker 1>that person, it's just too much like you're there to

<v Speaker 1>fill all the gaps for everything they never got. And

<v Speaker 1>they're constantly I'm sure many of us can relate to this.

<v Speaker 1>They are constantly needing something from you, right, you know,

<v Speaker 1>you can't breathe without this person blowing up your phone

<v Speaker 1>a million times a day. If you don't answer them.

<v Speaker 1>They mask their control as concern. Oh my gosh, I'm

<v Speaker 1>just worried about you, Oh my gosh. Like I haven't

<v Speaker 1>heard from you in like thirty seconds. I was just worried,

<v Speaker 1>you know, because you have an answered. Are you okay?

<v Speaker 1>By the way, like stop it, cut it out, all right. Also,

<v Speaker 1>it can look like being in constant crisis. I've met

<v Speaker 1>individuals like that before, where they're always in constant crisis.

<v Speaker 1>And these people require you to show up physically all

<v Speaker 1>the time, Like I'm sorry, I don't know what it is,

<v Speaker 1>but they will remove you from wherever you are to

<v Speaker 1>convenience themselves by having your physical presence with them. They

<v Speaker 1>hate being alone, okay. Also isolation from others. Everyone is

<v Speaker 1>against me, sort of mentality, right. Self victimization also shows

<v Speaker 1>up in relationships by rewriting history during conflict, aka, you're

<v Speaker 1>a history revisionist. Some people do this so well that

<v Speaker 1>they do not realize they do it. Now I understand

<v Speaker 1>after dealing with certain characters in my life, I actually

<v Speaker 1>do understand why, Solf. Some of you guys don't think

<v Speaker 1>you're lying because you lie to yourself, so you believe

<v Speaker 1>the things that you were saying with conviction. I remember

<v Speaker 1>one time I got into it with someone because they

<v Speaker 1>literally just said, like randomly, f you to me, right,

<v Speaker 1>my kids, you not, like they were in a drunken stupor.

<v Speaker 1>I remember this because I was sober, okay, I always

<v Speaker 1>am also, so the person then apologizes to me when

<v Speaker 1>it was just beyond, like it didn't even make sense

<v Speaker 1>by time they apologized to me, because it was just

<v Speaker 1>so far gone and I had to, you know, just

<v Speaker 1>forgive and come to terms on my own that it

<v Speaker 1>didn't even matter to me what their apology was. But

<v Speaker 1>what made it really upsetting was that their apology was

<v Speaker 1>not even I couldn't even really receive it because the

<v Speaker 1>way that they told the story back to me was

<v Speaker 1>completely inaccurate.

<v Speaker 2>The person told me.

<v Speaker 1>That the reason they said that is because I jumped

<v Speaker 1>up and got in their face.

<v Speaker 2>I am.

<v Speaker 1>I was like okay, like I can't. That is just beyond,

<v Speaker 1>that is beyond, and that is like not whatever. I

<v Speaker 1>don't even feel the need to defend that. It was

<v Speaker 1>when I saw that there whenever I see period that

<v Speaker 1>you have a completely different perspective. Let me tell you

<v Speaker 1>this right now, especially for my younger you know, followers,

<v Speaker 1>you can never convince someone, unconvince someone of a perception

<v Speaker 1>of you that they are determined to keep of you.

<v Speaker 1>They are determined that to keep a certain version of

<v Speaker 1>you locked in their minds and in their heads, and

<v Speaker 1>there's nothing that you can do to outperform or unconvince

<v Speaker 1>them of that reality of that perspective let's say that

<v Speaker 1>they have of you. It is just infuriating because this

<v Speaker 1>happens a lot with people that victimize themselves and also

<v Speaker 1>are just don't they lack accountability. They're always rewriting history

<v Speaker 1>during conflict. It's amazing. And then also it can look

<v Speaker 1>like turning boundaries into accusations, like why are you abandoning me?

<v Speaker 1>See this, this is the thing some people. They don't

<v Speaker 1>want healing, okay, they want permanent validation. They want a

<v Speaker 1>permanent pity party. What do manipulative people want the most

<v Speaker 1>from relationships?

<v Speaker 2>Pity?

<v Speaker 1>Because when you pity someone, you can constantly get a listening, ear,

<v Speaker 1>they're going to be there for you. You feel like

<v Speaker 1>you're bonding with that person, all of these different things.

<v Speaker 1>And manipulative people do know this. And whether people that

<v Speaker 1>self victimize know this or not, whether they are cognizant

<v Speaker 1>of this or not, you are a manipular person. And

<v Speaker 1>I can say that with conviction because if you're constantly

<v Speaker 1>looking for pity and you're constantly ruminating on the same

<v Speaker 1>story over and over and over and over again, there's

<v Speaker 1>never going to be any growth. And you want to

<v Speaker 1>garner a team behind you, woe is me? Feel bad

<v Speaker 1>for me? This is my story, this is why I

<v Speaker 1>that's what it's giving. Okay, if you say a victim,

<v Speaker 1>you never have to change, You never have to come

<v Speaker 1>to the reaction of man, it may have been unfair

<v Speaker 1>what was done to me, or the situation. Maybe you

<v Speaker 1>did something in a situation, and you're still soulf victimizing yourself,

<v Speaker 1>trying to justify why you did what you did, why

<v Speaker 1>you said what you said, instead of just owning it

<v Speaker 1>and saying, listen.

<v Speaker 2>I was hurt and I'm really sorry for doing this.

<v Speaker 1>I also accept the consequence of whatever the collateral of

<v Speaker 1>this is going to be because I just wasn't in

<v Speaker 1>a place to show up to the best of.

<v Speaker 2>My ability, And I'm sorry for that.

<v Speaker 1>Right, No, it never usually goes that way, right, So

<v Speaker 1>if you also stay a victim, you never have to

<v Speaker 1>risk failing as the healed version of yourself.

<v Speaker 2>People don't want to put in the work.

<v Speaker 1>And I've said this plenty of times in my previous content.

<v Speaker 1>We want to date people so bad, we want relationships

<v Speaker 1>so bad, but we don't even want to be in

<v Speaker 1>a relationship with ourselves. You're not interesting to you. Why

<v Speaker 1>would you be in just to another verson? Like I'm

<v Speaker 1>just saying, like, you don't even enjoy your own company,

<v Speaker 1>but you want some other guy to enjoy your company.

<v Speaker 1>Please help me understand that? Help me understand, because I

<v Speaker 1>think I'm great, all right. If you stay a victim,

<v Speaker 1>you get comforted, right, you get attention, you get sympathy,

<v Speaker 1>you have lower expectations of how you should be showing up.

<v Speaker 2>Right.

<v Speaker 1>Oh, because we all know, uh, this happened to so

<v Speaker 1>and so, so, we give her grace for behaving poorly.

<v Speaker 1>I had someone tell me one time, you know, like,

<v Speaker 1>I'm just so used to like everything happening to me

<v Speaker 1>and always being my fault. And I said, well, you

<v Speaker 1>know that's selfish, right, because you explaining it to me

<v Speaker 1>shows me that you're cognizant of it. But what are

<v Speaker 1>you doing for your behavior to change from this certain situation?

<v Speaker 1>Because I'm telling you that what you were feeling feels

<v Speaker 1>valid to you, but it is not the fact of

<v Speaker 1>what the situation is. All right, You also get community.

<v Speaker 1>You have a team rallying around you to help garner

<v Speaker 1>sympathy and to give you a pity party and to

<v Speaker 1>be on your side so that you can feel justified

<v Speaker 1>and vindicated in whatever you're feeling. And again, I am

<v Speaker 1>not speaking to this in the context of serious things

<v Speaker 1>like abuse and and heinous acts because I understand the

<v Speaker 1>deep level of trauma that that can cause, and I

<v Speaker 1>am not speaking to that saying just get over get

<v Speaker 1>over it. The truth of the matter is, eventually you

<v Speaker 1>will have to find through professional you know, help also

<v Speaker 1>through Jesus Christ to just renew your mind. Right, But

<v Speaker 1>just for the sake of this conversation, I'm mainly speaking

<v Speaker 1>towards you know, your your typical you know, disagreement, fall out,

<v Speaker 1>that type of thing. I'm not speaking to severe trauma

<v Speaker 1>and injustice, I want to be very clear and in

<v Speaker 1>that so, you also find that people you know you,

<v Speaker 1>if you are victimizing yourself, you get people who are

<v Speaker 1>going to say things to you like, oh, girl, like

<v Speaker 1>you deserve.

<v Speaker 2>Better, you know.

<v Speaker 1>But the thing is these people are not really asking, well,

<v Speaker 1>why do you keep choosing this? Because at a certain

<v Speaker 1>point you don't realize that you're choosing certain situations. And

<v Speaker 1>I'm speaking to romantic dynamics. You're choosing the constant, same case,

<v Speaker 1>different face is what you're choosing, right, And I understand

<v Speaker 1>that that question can feel harsh. I do understand that,

<v Speaker 1>But it's not harsh, babe. It's called mature. It's called maturity,

<v Speaker 1>and that's something that we have to learn to be.

<v Speaker 1>You know. A part of having an evolved relationship is

<v Speaker 1>being okay with not having the answer to everything. It's

<v Speaker 1>also understanding that there's going to be moments of discomfort

<v Speaker 1>that cause you to be vulnerable and require you to

<v Speaker 1>show up in a way that's going to build deeper

<v Speaker 1>intimacy in friendships and also in relationships romantic relationship.

<v Speaker 2>But you have to do the work. You have to

<v Speaker 2>show up, all right.

<v Speaker 1>There is psychological comfort in powerlessness. That's why people also

<v Speaker 1>self victimize because the responsibility of what they need to do,

<v Speaker 1>the work they need to do, it feels heavy. Responsibility means, well,

<v Speaker 1>I can't blame my ex for everything. You stayed in

<v Speaker 1>that relationship. It takes two to tango. Now you're on

<v Speaker 1>your way out. I understand you want to villainize this

<v Speaker 1>person all the different things, but I'm telling you this

<v Speaker 1>right now. Psychologically, people, human beings do not stay in

<v Speaker 1>any situation that isn't beneficial for them, whether that's the

<v Speaker 1>emotional payoff, whether that's familiarity of that's just what your

<v Speaker 1>nervous system is choosing, whether that's obviously financial or whatever

<v Speaker 1>it is status wise.

<v Speaker 2>The list goes on.

<v Speaker 1>Human beings do not stay in situations that they are.

<v Speaker 2>Truly, truly, absolutely miserable.

<v Speaker 1>And then of course there's more nuanced situations where maybe

<v Speaker 1>you have kids with this person and you're depending on

<v Speaker 1>them for different things, Like it gets deep, right, But

<v Speaker 1>again those are still reasons. Do you understand what I'm saying, Like,

<v Speaker 1>sometimes you may feel like you have no choice, but

<v Speaker 1>the thing is we always kind of do have a choice. Yes,

<v Speaker 1>there are consequences to some of those choices like in

<v Speaker 1>that event, yes, you will have to figure out how

<v Speaker 1>you're gonna live in all these different things, so the

<v Speaker 1>option just feels better to stay.

<v Speaker 2>We know where you are, But I digress.

<v Speaker 1>I can't blame my parents for every relationship that I

<v Speaker 1>sabotage if you accept responsibility.

<v Speaker 2>Uh, oh yeah, babe, you can't. You can't. We don't

<v Speaker 2>want to.

<v Speaker 1>Hear about anymore why you are a bad friend because

<v Speaker 1>of what your mom, your sister, your We don't want

<v Speaker 1>to hear it anymore. I'm sorry, straight up. We don't

<v Speaker 1>want to hear it anymore because what it does to

<v Speaker 1>healthy people in your life is we can't differentiate now,

<v Speaker 1>holding you accountable, are holding you to a certain standard

<v Speaker 1>because well we know your story and we know what

<v Speaker 1>happened to you, and and you know, we just have

<v Speaker 1>to now because you're you're being manipulative with it now.

<v Speaker 1>Now it's an excuse for you to just pop off

<v Speaker 1>at the mouth because you're of no kuth. Okay, you

<v Speaker 1>you have no gauge and range, You have no respect

<v Speaker 1>on what to say and when to say it, all right,

<v Speaker 1>because you just want to lash out now after all,

<v Speaker 1>I've had enough, Okay, Also, responsibility means I can't blame

<v Speaker 1>bad luck for patterns that I keep repeating. You are

<v Speaker 1>responsible after a while, if you, if you want. We

<v Speaker 1>have to learn and recognize patterns within ourselves. It is

<v Speaker 1>our job to do that. That is one of the

<v Speaker 1>main things that I started doing in my life was

<v Speaker 1>realizing my own patterns and also my own patterns romantically.

<v Speaker 1>All right, So listen, you can obviously have compassion for

<v Speaker 1>your wounds while still taking ownership for your behave behavior.

<v Speaker 2>So those two things are not opposites, right.

<v Speaker 1>So what you may see in relationships, friendship, stating, even

<v Speaker 1>family dynamics, it is all a pattern, all right.

<v Speaker 2>Someone feels hurt.

<v Speaker 1>Instead of processing it, they build an identity around it,

<v Speaker 1>all right. Anyone who challenges that identity becomes the enemy.

<v Speaker 1>You don't understand what I went through. I heard you

<v Speaker 1>last year, I heard you this year. I don't know

<v Speaker 1>how many times we can keep on doing this. I

<v Speaker 1>heard you five years ago. Like you're still holding onto

<v Speaker 1>this like it's a crutch. You still have to evolve

<v Speaker 1>and move past it. That's the harsh reality is that

<v Speaker 1>at the end of the daybabe, life actually does go on,

<v Speaker 1>and you can't make those around you suffer because of

<v Speaker 1>your own traumas and your own hang ups, because you

<v Speaker 1>end up coming an abuser emotionally an emotional terrorists, I

<v Speaker 1>should say, for lack of a better word, to the

<v Speaker 1>people that actually are trying to be there for you

<v Speaker 1>genuinely and build a relationship with you. So if you say,

<v Speaker 1>you know, if you as a as a friend want

<v Speaker 1>to say to this person, well, hey, like I mean

<v Speaker 1>maybe you actually kind of contributed to this, You're gonna

<v Speaker 1>feel like, well, you're invalidating my feelings. Am I not

<v Speaker 1>allowed to have an opposing perspective as somebody that genuinely

<v Speaker 1>is your friend? Like, you have to think if you

<v Speaker 1>truly trust someone and that person is genuinely your friend,

<v Speaker 1>you have to really ask yourself. This highlights also where

<v Speaker 1>there's trauma and whether or not a girl is truly

<v Speaker 1>a girl's girl.

<v Speaker 2>If you truly trust your friend.

<v Speaker 1>You should receive what your friend has to say because

<v Speaker 1>you know that your friend has your back. So if

<v Speaker 1>my friend is saying something to me that might be uncomfortable,

<v Speaker 1>she's not disrespecting me, she's just saying something like then

<v Speaker 1>I might not want.

<v Speaker 2>To hear, but it's the truth because she loves me.

<v Speaker 1>But you look at it as, oh, she's being divisive,

<v Speaker 1>she's against me. I'm gonna go on a press tour

<v Speaker 1>and a smear campaign and I'm going to talk about

<v Speaker 1>her now to all my other friends because clearly she's

<v Speaker 1>against me. Interesting, Okay, yeah, you're your your low EQ

<v Speaker 1>is showing, all right. So if you say something like, well,

<v Speaker 1>maybe this isn't abandonment, maybe it's a boundary now to

<v Speaker 1>people that victimize themselves, it looks like, oh, well, now

<v Speaker 1>you're being unsupportive like and a perfect example of this

<v Speaker 1>can look like people that self victimize they are energy vampires.

<v Speaker 1>It is what it is, and I'm not sorry about it.

<v Speaker 1>They require so much of a person because whenever you

<v Speaker 1>have a deep wound that you never healed, you become

<v Speaker 1>an endless pit for those around you to try and

<v Speaker 1>compensate for the lack of whatever was missing or whatever

<v Speaker 1>void you're trying to fill in your life. Okay, So

<v Speaker 1>it gets very exhausting being around these energy vampires, which

<v Speaker 1>is ultimately what you end up becoming. Right, So if

<v Speaker 1>you just want to take a little bit of a

<v Speaker 1>breather because you've been hanging out with this person every day,

<v Speaker 1>and they require a very high social battery charge.

<v Speaker 2>It's not like it's just low effort.

<v Speaker 1>There's nothing wrong with hanging out with someone every day, right,

<v Speaker 1>But if in and I'm speaking from a friendship perspective

<v Speaker 1>at this point, if hanging out that person after a

<v Speaker 1>while you feel like, oh my gosh, I just I

<v Speaker 1>need like a break, I need space, you end up

<v Speaker 1>having to resort to such dramatic action because of the

<v Speaker 1>fact that that person is so much You just end

<v Speaker 1>up responding in a way that you just ghost them

<v Speaker 1>because they're just too much to handle. You'd rather just

<v Speaker 1>not even address anything whatsoever. And to that person, it

<v Speaker 1>can feel like abandonment, oh, rejection. Why doesn't she get

<v Speaker 1>and now you're assigning all negative qualities to this person?

<v Speaker 2>And what are you gonna do, babe?

<v Speaker 1>Let me guess you're gonna go and recreate this dynamic

<v Speaker 1>with someone else. That's why anytime you see someone with

<v Speaker 1>a revolving door of friends, it's something to pay attention to.

<v Speaker 2>It's a data point. Right. You have to wonder why, Hey,

<v Speaker 2>we're all for meeting new people.

<v Speaker 1>I'm not against that, but you have no consistency in

<v Speaker 1>your life at all.

<v Speaker 2>I don't know.

<v Speaker 1>It's just food for thought, right if you say something

<v Speaker 1>to someone like, oh, you know, I kind of do

<v Speaker 1>feel like you keep talking about the same situation. You've

<v Speaker 1>been talking about the same thing for the past two

<v Speaker 1>years without changing anything. Now it's well, you know what,

<v Speaker 1>I just feel like you're being insensitive And obviously you

<v Speaker 1>wouldn't understand something like this because you've never gone through it.

<v Speaker 1>So when you go through something like this, then maybe

<v Speaker 1>come back and talk to me. I feel like you're

<v Speaker 1>trying to assassinate my character right now, Okay, So slowly

<v Speaker 1>that person isolates themselves into basically the echo chambers. They

<v Speaker 1>only want to be around people who agree, people who validate,

<v Speaker 1>people who never challenge them, and that's where they're going

<v Speaker 1>to run the smear campaign about you now.

<v Speaker 2>But that feels safe to them.

<v Speaker 1>But what they don't realize is safety without growth is stagnation, babe,

<v Speaker 1>And that's why your friendship circle keeps changing all the time.

<v Speaker 1>You're the independent variable. Here's the hard truth. When you

<v Speaker 1>identify as the victim long enough, you're actually going to

<v Speaker 1>start subconsciously creating situations that confirm it. That's confirm what

<v Speaker 1>you are thinking. Hello, our brains are what plastic neuroplasticity.

<v Speaker 1>You keep on, you know, looking for these situations where

<v Speaker 1>you're feeling rejected, you're feeling this, you're feeling unsupported. Well, babe,

<v Speaker 1>you're gonna find it because you're already coming from the

<v Speaker 1>spirit of offense.

<v Speaker 2>Anyways.

<v Speaker 1>Okay, so when you identify as the victim, like I said,

<v Speaker 1>you are going to start finding situations that are going

<v Speaker 1>to validate and confirm that. You're going to tolerate what

<v Speaker 1>you should leave. You're going to chase what you should release.

<v Speaker 1>You're going to provoke what you claim that you hate.

<v Speaker 1>You're going to ignore red flags because the story of

<v Speaker 1>you know, this always happens to me, feels very familiar

<v Speaker 1>to you. Your nervous system gets addicted to these emotional patterns.

<v Speaker 2>You do understand that, right.

<v Speaker 1>Because familiarity feels like truth, but it doesn't mean that

<v Speaker 1>it is. So healing is going to require you to

<v Speaker 1>be very uncomfortable. I tell people this all the time.

<v Speaker 1>When you want to get into a serious relationship, right,

<v Speaker 1>you were going to have to say no to ninety

<v Speaker 1>nine percent of the things that you used to accept.

<v Speaker 1>The ninety nine percent of the things that you used

<v Speaker 1>to excuse you're gonna have to say no to and

<v Speaker 1>it's going to feel like it sucks because you're going

<v Speaker 1>to turn around and realize, oh my gosh, my dating

<v Speaker 1>pool just turned into a shot glass pretty much, right, Like,

<v Speaker 1>that's pretty that's what it is, or peachtree dish, I

<v Speaker 1>don't know, something tiny and something circular.

<v Speaker 2>That's what it has turned into.

<v Speaker 1>And you're right it will because at the end of

<v Speaker 1>the day, what you want is not out here for everybody.

<v Speaker 1>Right when you have standards, there are only a select

<v Speaker 1>group of individuals that are actually going to meet those standards. Okay,

<v Speaker 1>so you have to admit where you do have the

<v Speaker 1>power and you are not utilizing it. You have to

<v Speaker 1>admit where you stayed in situations. You have to admit

<v Speaker 1>where you chose situations, where you avoided certain situations, where

<v Speaker 1>you manipulated, where you allowed yourself to be manipulated, where

<v Speaker 1>you didn't communicate, where you knew but you also ignored it.

<v Speaker 2>So that is called having self respect.

<v Speaker 1>When you admit that, it's not self betrayal, it's no,

<v Speaker 1>it's having self respect. Right, Really, coming to terms with

<v Speaker 1>where you went wrong and having accountability. Accountability is not

<v Speaker 1>self hatred. I know it feels like it for some

<v Speaker 1>of you, but it's not. It's emotional maturity, all right.

<v Speaker 1>So let's bring some faith into this for a second.

<v Speaker 1>God does not call us to stay wounded, all right.

<v Speaker 1>He calls us to be transformed by the renewing of

<v Speaker 1>our mind. Can I get a Romans told Versus two

<v Speaker 1>up in here?

<v Speaker 2>Yes? Okay.

<v Speaker 1>There is a difference between saying you know, uh, that

<v Speaker 1>hurt me and saying this defines me. You're now walking

<v Speaker 1>in the office and the ministry of being a victim. Now, okay,

<v Speaker 1>So scripture talks about renewed of the mind, like I said,

<v Speaker 1>but this is going to require stewardship.

<v Speaker 2>Stewardship.

<v Speaker 1>This is something that I know the Holy Spirit has

<v Speaker 1>been impressing on me so deeply lately, and I know

<v Speaker 1>exactly what God is telling me to do in this season.

<v Speaker 2>And I know that the same for you guys. Like stewardship.

<v Speaker 1>How are you managing your emotions, your time, your emotional currency,

<v Speaker 1>the people that you were hanging out with. It is

<v Speaker 1>absolutely true. You are the sum of the five people

<v Speaker 1>that you spend the most time with. Or communicate with

<v Speaker 1>the most right, and that stewardship is going to then

<v Speaker 1>lead you to to growth and then also sanctification, which

<v Speaker 1>is which is a separate a podcast within itself actually,

<v Speaker 1>So none of that is going to allow you to

<v Speaker 1>live in permanent victimhood, all right, it's responsibility with grace.

<v Speaker 1>So yeah, it's gonna you know, yes, you were hurt,

<v Speaker 1>but you were not powerless. Right, Yes you were betrayed,

<v Speaker 1>but you were not broken beyond rebuilding all right. Yes,

<v Speaker 1>something happened to you, but you still have authority over

<v Speaker 1>it to move forward. Like it says in I forget

<v Speaker 1>what scripture, but we God has given us the authority

<v Speaker 1>to tread over scorpion scorpions, I forgot what scripture that is.

<v Speaker 2>Let me know if you are listening down below.

<v Speaker 1>But this is the part that people do resist because

<v Speaker 1>empowerment is going to.

<v Speaker 2>Remove the excuses. Guys, It's gonna remove it.

<v Speaker 1>So let me ask you this gently, not not accusingly.

<v Speaker 1>So when you tell your story, is there a moment

<v Speaker 1>where you ever say to yourself, here, here's where I

<v Speaker 1>went wrong, you know, and actually admit that, Because when

<v Speaker 1>conflict happens, do you ever apologize without having to say,

<v Speaker 1>but ask yourself that do your friends feel refreshed after

<v Speaker 1>supporting you or do they feel drained? Yeah, sit in

<v Speaker 1>that one. Don't make excuses for it. Or are you

<v Speaker 1>actually looking for solutions or are you just looking for

<v Speaker 1>agreement from people? You just want yes men around you,

<v Speaker 1>and those types of people do not work for me.

<v Speaker 1>It's not about shaming yourself. This is about freeing yourself.

<v Speaker 1>The truth will set you free, all right, because the

<v Speaker 1>truth is victimhood can feel like it's protective, but it's

<v Speaker 1>also in prisoning, all right. You can't grow in a

<v Speaker 1>story where you have no agency aka autonomy, right. You

<v Speaker 1>can't become powerful when you're constantly insisting that you're powerless.

<v Speaker 1>You see how when I was talking about how the

<v Speaker 1>characters are not really adding up. You're a victim, but

<v Speaker 1>you also have this personality that you're trying to control people.

<v Speaker 1>You're trying to con narratives and all these different things.

<v Speaker 1>So you can't become powerful while you're insisting that you

<v Speaker 1>are power less. Do you understand what I'm saying. You

<v Speaker 1>can't pray for transformation, but you're clinging to an identity

<v Speaker 1>that you built around pain and That's the one thing

<v Speaker 1>that I've noticed in the secular world or the carnal world,

<v Speaker 1>coming from a faith and biblical perspective, is that I

<v Speaker 1>noticed that people that are of the world, they don't

<v Speaker 1>really believe in change that much in the way that

<v Speaker 1>believers do, like I understand, especially studying you know, neuroscience

<v Speaker 1>and realizing that it pretty much is verified in the Bible.

<v Speaker 2>I realized that I do.

<v Speaker 1>Believe that people can change for better or for worse,

<v Speaker 1>and I also do believe that you can renew your mind,

<v Speaker 1>and I also know it on a scientific level as

<v Speaker 1>well aside from a faith perspective.

<v Speaker 2>But I noticed that people.

<v Speaker 1>That are mainly of the world, they don't tend to

<v Speaker 1>have that same belief. So being a quality queen it

<v Speaker 1>means something. It means self awareness, it means responsibility, It

<v Speaker 1>means emotional regulation, it means humility, and it means growth. Okay,

<v Speaker 1>you can honor what hurt you without having to live

<v Speaker 1>inside it forever. Okay, your trauma may explain you, but

<v Speaker 1>it does not permanently define you. I don't know how

<v Speaker 1>many other ways that I can say it, but it

<v Speaker 1>is true, all right. So healing is not staying wounded

<v Speaker 1>in public, it's becoming whole in private, okay, And that

<v Speaker 1>requires courage. That requires the courage to say I was hurt,

<v Speaker 1>but also I have the power. That's the difference, and

<v Speaker 1>that's growth. So just some quick questions, you guys can

<v Speaker 1>ask yourself. Do I ever admit when I'm wrong? Do

<v Speaker 1>I feel like I need to have an answer for everything?

<v Speaker 1>Am I repeating the same story without changing my circumstances.

<v Speaker 1>Do my friends feel drained after supporting me? Do I

<v Speaker 1>want solutions or do I just want agreement? Am I

<v Speaker 1>avoiding growth because it feels unfamiliar. You can lie to

<v Speaker 1>everyone else, but don't lie to yourself, babe.

<v Speaker 2>All right?

<v Speaker 1>Self awareness? Like I said, it's not an attack, it

<v Speaker 1>is self respect.

<v Speaker 2>So with that being.

<v Speaker 1>Said, thank you angels for listening to this episode. Send

<v Speaker 1>this to a friend all right that you feel can

<v Speaker 1>benefit from hearing this episode. And if you are someone

<v Speaker 1>that has identified as this, I want you to comment

<v Speaker 1>down below and say, like, yeah, it ends today.

<v Speaker 2>I'm not going to victimize myself anymore.

<v Speaker 1>And I appreciate you if we're having that awareness, because

<v Speaker 1>we're all just trying to help each other here.

<v Speaker 2>We're not gatekeeping We're girls. Girls.

<v Speaker 1>Make sure that you guys give this podcast a five

<v Speaker 1>star rating if you are listening on Spotify on Apple,

<v Speaker 1>and then also if you're watching, make sure that you

<v Speaker 1>hype the video if you have the option, or just

<v Speaker 1>give the video a thumbs up. And if you guys

<v Speaker 1>tag me in anything, I will be reposting you guys,

<v Speaker 1>and I.

<v Speaker 2>Really appreciate it.

<v Speaker 1>So with that being said, do not forget that I

<v Speaker 1>love you and God loves Ye'll speak te beautiful angels

<v Speaker 1>in my next episode.