<v Speaker 1>It's heartbreaking when you go through friendship betrayal because the

<v Speaker 1>lengths that some people go to make themselves feel vindicated

<v Speaker 1>is actually scary, you know, like it's it really is concerning.

<v Speaker 2>It's a cause for concern.

<v Speaker 1>All right, Hey babe, it's Asia Christina.

<v Speaker 2>This is quality Queen control. What is happening? Hello, Angels?

<v Speaker 1>I hope you were having a great day. How are

<v Speaker 1>you feeling today? Thank you for spending time with me.

<v Speaker 1>You can be doing anything right now, but you chose

<v Speaker 1>to tune into quality Queen control with your girl, Asia

<v Speaker 1>Christina Foster.

<v Speaker 2>So I mean there's really nothing new, okay, guys.

<v Speaker 1>Wait, Actually, in pop culture news, I was watching Real

<v Speaker 1>Housewives of Potomac. I am behind in the seasons, but

<v Speaker 1>I like that I am now officially at the season

<v Speaker 1>where this girl named Angel has been introduced, as well

<v Speaker 1>as a British lady named Tia. And yeah, and also

<v Speaker 1>we found out from the previous reunion that word on

<v Speaker 1>the street is what's the lady's name? Who has a

<v Speaker 1>daughter named Arabella Stacy. Stacy Rush has allegedly hired TJ

<v Speaker 1>to be her love interest whilst she was going through

<v Speaker 1>a divorce with her husband. The divorce was allegedly finalized,

<v Speaker 1>and Ashley Darby claims that there was no record. When

<v Speaker 1>you get divorce, it is public record. I wouldn't know,

<v Speaker 1>never been divorced, but it's public record. She could not

<v Speaker 1>find that, whilst Ashley discovered that we're singing from an

<v Speaker 1>audience perspective that Stacy Rush has gotten back with her husband,

<v Speaker 1>which I think is amazing.

<v Speaker 2>I'm always in.

<v Speaker 1>Support of people, you know, being happily married and if

<v Speaker 1>you can make it work then why not. But this

<v Speaker 1>whole TJ thing where she allegedly hired this sky TJ

<v Speaker 1>to be a love interest of hers, what I thought

<v Speaker 1>was so interesting now looking back, is the storyline. The

<v Speaker 1>storyline was that this man TJ. Again, This is where

<v Speaker 1>I currently stand. I don't know what they fit with

<v Speaker 1>the finale of it is. I don't know how it

<v Speaker 1>ended up, If she ended up, you know, getting justice,

<v Speaker 1>If the truth has changed now or the story has changed,

<v Speaker 1>I don't know, but just from where I currently stand.

<v Speaker 1>In the episodes, she hired a guy named TJ to

<v Speaker 1>be her love interest and she referred to him as

<v Speaker 1>her best friend. In addition to that, he was a

<v Speaker 1>radical Christian who did not believe in.

<v Speaker 2>Before marriage.

<v Speaker 1>Okay, I thought that was such an interesting storyline that

<v Speaker 1>she chose to if this is in fact the truth

<v Speaker 1>that she chose to utilize now considering that she is

<v Speaker 1>back with her husband, But again, I do think from

<v Speaker 1>where I currently stand, it was interesting that she didn't

<v Speaker 1>even want to give him a call. If I know

<v Speaker 1>that someone blatantly lied on me and said that I

<v Speaker 1>paid them to be my boyfriend, I'm calling you in

<v Speaker 1>front of everybody, and I'm airing you out because I

<v Speaker 1>know that that's not true. But she felt and her

<v Speaker 1>position was that she didn't want she didn't feel the

<v Speaker 1>need to address him. She was just going to get

<v Speaker 1>her lawyer involved. But then we found out that TJ

<v Speaker 1>was allegedly suing her because she told him that she

<v Speaker 1>was going to give him half of her check from

<v Speaker 1>the show to be continued. Okay, that's a little bit

<v Speaker 1>of the pop culture drama that's been going on. Other

<v Speaker 1>than that, I have no idea what's been going on

<v Speaker 1>in these streets, and really, as where I stand right now,

<v Speaker 1>I really don't care.

<v Speaker 2>We have a big episode to talk about today.

<v Speaker 1>We're going to be talking about betrayal, Why it hurts

<v Speaker 1>so deep and why it changes the way that you

<v Speaker 1>show up. So betrayal, I'm sure, well you are very

<v Speaker 1>fortunate if you've never ever experienced this in your life before.

<v Speaker 1>But it's not it's beyond someone just hurt my feelings, right,

<v Speaker 1>It is basically violation of assumed safety. Okay, the deeper

<v Speaker 1>the trust, the deeper your identity feels like it's rupturing. Okay,

<v Speaker 1>And betrayal it doesn't just hurt, It actually rewires how

<v Speaker 1>you move in relationships. So today we are going to

<v Speaker 1>be talking specifically about betrayal in romantic dynamics in friendships

<v Speaker 1>as well as family dynamics and the psychology behind it,

<v Speaker 1>the root causes, and also how betrayal shapes how people

<v Speaker 1>show up afterward. So let's break down betrayal beyond the

<v Speaker 1>drama of it all. So betrayal is basically a violation

<v Speaker 1>of your relational contracts.

<v Speaker 2>Okay, that's like the big definition.

<v Speaker 1>So there are psychological layers of betrayal. So it's not

<v Speaker 1>going to just hurt emotionally, it's going to fracture multiple

<v Speaker 1>internal systems at once. So there's something called a trust collapse.

<v Speaker 2>Right.

<v Speaker 1>Trust is not just I believe you trust is nervous

<v Speaker 1>system relaxation. Right, Like, if you don't feel safe around someone,

<v Speaker 1>you notice, it's a visceral reaction and response that your

<v Speaker 1>body will have.

<v Speaker 2>Right.

<v Speaker 1>So, when you do trust someone, your body softens around them.

<v Speaker 1>You don't scan for danger. You assume this person has goodwill,

<v Speaker 1>good intentions for you. You build future plans with that

<v Speaker 1>person from a romantic perspective or even a friendship perspective

<v Speaker 1>on that assumption. Okay, but betrayal is going to shatter

<v Speaker 1>that internal safety model that you have.

<v Speaker 2>And here's what actually makes it traumatic.

<v Speaker 1>So the brain basically encodes betrayal as a threat to survival.

<v Speaker 2>Okay. So because humans, we are.

<v Speaker 1>Wired for safety, and especially relational safety, right, our attachment

<v Speaker 1>systems are their ancient Okay, social rejection or deception historically

<v Speaker 1>meant vulnerability. Right, So when betrayal happens, our brains respond

<v Speaker 1>with something called hypervigilance, right, obsessive rumination. We're replaying conversations

<v Speaker 1>over and over again. We're looking for the missigns, we're

<v Speaker 1>scanning for deception and new people. These are the natural

<v Speaker 1>responses to someone that has experienced betrayal.

<v Speaker 2>It's not dramatic. It's actually neurological.

<v Speaker 1>So the trust collapse also extends beyond the person, So

<v Speaker 1>you don't just lose trust in them, you lose your

<v Speaker 1>trust in your perception, your judgment, and also your discernment.

<v Speaker 1>It is destabilizing when you've truly been betrayed. It is destabilizing.

<v Speaker 1>You tend to get rid of everyone in that case

<v Speaker 1>because you need to recenter and refocus on what you

<v Speaker 1>can actually focus on. Right the next thing you will

<v Speaker 1>experience the next this layer is cognitive dissonance. And this

<v Speaker 1>is one of the most painful layers, I would say,

<v Speaker 1>because cognitive dissonance happens when you're having two conflicting beliefs

<v Speaker 1>at the same time. So, for example, that can look like,

<v Speaker 1>I know this person loves me. This person also betrayed me.

<v Speaker 1>That's cognitive dissonance, because how can this person love me

<v Speaker 1>if this person in fact betrayed me. Your brain cannot

<v Speaker 1>comfortably hold onto both things as truth understandably, so so

<v Speaker 1>it tries to resolve the tension that you are feeling.

<v Speaker 1>So you and as a response, you may minimize the betrayal.

<v Speaker 1>You know, they didn't mean it. It wasn't that bad,

<v Speaker 1>you know, I think I took it too seriously it

<v Speaker 1>was on me, Or you will blame yourself, or you

<v Speaker 1>can rewrite history, okay, or you will over explain that

<v Speaker 1>person's behavior. You know what, he did, throw my things

<v Speaker 1>out the window and break up with me. But the

<v Speaker 1>thing is I must have triggered something in him, because

<v Speaker 1>when he was five years old, his dad said he

<v Speaker 1>was coming by and never ended up showing up. And

<v Speaker 1>then he is his dad tried to get in his room,

<v Speaker 1>and so he took a chair and like blocked his

<v Speaker 1>dad from coming in. And ever since then he's just had,

<v Speaker 1>you know, these moments of expressing his repressed anger as

<v Speaker 1>a child, and so I just know I have to

<v Speaker 1>be there for him. Yeah, you know, right, or you

<v Speaker 1>tend to romanticize the good times? Uh oh, is this

<v Speaker 1>hitting any of you? I hope you're being honest.

<v Speaker 2>Okay.

<v Speaker 1>You can lie to me all you want, but don't

<v Speaker 1>lie to yourself, all right, because accepting betrayal, it means

<v Speaker 1>you're accepting the version of them that you trusted may

<v Speaker 1>not exist, all right. That realization right there is very painful.

<v Speaker 1>So cognitive dissonance is why people stay because you're holding

<v Speaker 1>onto two conflicting beliefs at once, and a lot of

<v Speaker 1>the times people are going to over explain the behavior

<v Speaker 1>or they're going to romanticize the good times. You know what,

<v Speaker 1>it's not that bad. We get along like every other time,

<v Speaker 1>Like this is he just gets like this sometimes. It's

<v Speaker 1>why people go back cognitive dissonance. It's also why people

<v Speaker 1>struggle to leave toxic dynamics. Your brain prefers consistency over chaos,

<v Speaker 1>even if the consistency is actually unhealthy, right exactly. The

<v Speaker 1>third thing, the third layer, is something called identity rupture.

<v Speaker 2>This looks like was I stupid?

<v Speaker 1>Like?

<v Speaker 2>How did the and this one is?

<v Speaker 1>This one cuts deep, right, because when someone betrays you,

<v Speaker 1>you don't just question them, You question yourself. How did

<v Speaker 1>I miss this? Am I naive? Did I attract this?

<v Speaker 1>What did I do to deserve this? Am I too trusting?

<v Speaker 1>Am I not enough? Your identity as a smart, decerning

<v Speaker 1>you know person feels like it's getting challenged, right, And

<v Speaker 1>that is why betrayal can feel so humiliating, not because

<v Speaker 1>you did something wrong necessarily, but because your self concept

<v Speaker 1>was attached to your ability to desern and see things clearly,

<v Speaker 1>especially for high functioning actually self aware woman.

<v Speaker 2>Betrayal doesn't just hurt the heart, it hurts.

<v Speaker 1>The ego too, right, So you can swing into an

<v Speaker 1>over correction, because that's psychologically what tends to happen. I'll

<v Speaker 1>never trust anyone again, write a form of protection for yourself.

<v Speaker 1>Or you can be hyper independent, right, or you can

<v Speaker 1>you'll struggle with perfectionism, or you just emotionally shut down identity.

<v Speaker 1>Rupture is very dangerous because if it's not healed, it

<v Speaker 1>becomes I was stupid, turns into I trusted someone who

<v Speaker 1>chose dishonesty, and that distinction matters, right, I was stupid. Right,

<v Speaker 1>instead of I trust something, you're blaming yourself instead of

<v Speaker 1>I trusted someone who chose dishonesty. But instead you're just

<v Speaker 1>blaming yourself. I was just so stupid. I was just

<v Speaker 1>so stupid. The fourth response that happens is the shame

<v Speaker 1>response as a result of these situations as a result

<v Speaker 1>of betrayal. So shame is different from guilt. Right, So

<v Speaker 1>guilt says I did something wrong. Shame says there is

<v Speaker 1>something wrong with me. Betrayal, Actually, it tends to often

<v Speaker 1>activate shame because you were vulnerable, because you defended them,

<v Speaker 1>because you believe them because you invested deeply. So society

<v Speaker 1>reinforces the shame sometimes, right, like you ignored the good flags.

<v Speaker 1>Sometimes that can be true. You move too fast or

<v Speaker 1>you should have known. Sometimes those things are true. Right,

<v Speaker 1>So instead of processing grief, people internalize humiliation. So that's

<v Speaker 1>shame then is going to lead to withdrawal, silence, isolation,

<v Speaker 1>emotional hardening, and also difficulty opening up again. Okay, but

<v Speaker 1>here's the truth. Trusting someone in good faith is not shameful.

<v Speaker 1>Being deceived is not embarrassing, all right, and loving fully,

<v Speaker 1>it's not a foolish thing for you to do. There

<v Speaker 1>are nuances to everything, right. Sometimes, Yeah, some of you

<v Speaker 1>guys do be a little bit foolish. Who am I

<v Speaker 1>even kidding? But if you truly, truly, you know, trusted somebody,

<v Speaker 1>you can't fault yourself for that. Unless there were blatant

<v Speaker 1>red signs and you were just choosing ignorance over intelligence,

<v Speaker 1>that's different, right, But if you were genuinely honest with

<v Speaker 1>someone and you gave them your best, you can't feel

<v Speaker 1>embarrassed for that. I understand it feels embarrassing, but understand

<v Speaker 1>you should not be. So the shame belongs and correlates

<v Speaker 1>to the deception that you experience, not necessarily the vulnerability.

<v Speaker 1>It's because of the deception that brings on the shame

<v Speaker 1>and the embarrassment. But these layers interact, right, Because these

<v Speaker 1>layers do not operate separately, they actually tend to stack up.

<v Speaker 1>So truth the truth collapse happens. Then you have cognitive dissonance,

<v Speaker 1>and that cognitive dissonance is going to confuse you. Then

<v Speaker 1>you have an identity rupture that's going to destabilize you

<v Speaker 1>because you can't you don't even know who you are anymore.

<v Speaker 1>And then the shame is going to silence you. Why

<v Speaker 1>would you bring this up when this is so embarrassed?

<v Speaker 1>And if this is on process, then it turns into

<v Speaker 1>another stack of hyperindependent, hyperindependence, being extra guarded control tendencies.

<v Speaker 1>Hello hello, hello, fear of intimacy. You're going to become

<v Speaker 1>a person that tests loyalty all the time. You start

<v Speaker 1>to have emotional distance from people. So this is going

<v Speaker 1>to affect all your future relationships. And that is how

<v Speaker 1>betrayal tends to shape how you show up long after

<v Speaker 1>the event is over. Because betrayal, of course, it hurts

<v Speaker 1>more when you are vulnerable. Of course, you defended the

<v Speaker 1>person publicly, right, you know they it feels like they

<v Speaker 1>had the power over your emotional safety. But let's get

<v Speaker 1>to the root of betrayal. Right, why do people betray?

<v Speaker 1>Because that's what that's what we really want to know,

<v Speaker 1>all right, This is this There are common psychological roots

<v Speaker 1>of why people tend to betray.

<v Speaker 2>So here's the uncomfortable part.

<v Speaker 1>So there's obviously avoidant attachment where people that struggle with

<v Speaker 1>intimacy they may withdraw or act out instead of just

<v Speaker 1>communicating honestly. And then there's also fear of confrontation. People

<v Speaker 1>would rather lie, hide, or deceive rather than face uncomfortable situations.

<v Speaker 1>You're a clown and you're a coward. I just want

<v Speaker 1>to say, let that, Let that lay where it may.

<v Speaker 1>You're a clown to your a coward. At a certain

<v Speaker 1>point in time, especially over the age of twenty five,

<v Speaker 1>when you're frontal it's fully developed, you need to be

<v Speaker 1>comfortable with being uncomfortable because not only is that a

<v Speaker 1>major factor and growth in all aspects of life, right

<v Speaker 1>physically and emotionally and spiritually. That mean, like there's no

<v Speaker 1>way that you can tell me you are a growth

<v Speaker 1>mindset minded person.

<v Speaker 2>When you do not do these things.

<v Speaker 1>When you're uncomfortable with being uncomfortable, you're not willing to

<v Speaker 1>be to go through the uncomfortability to see the.

<v Speaker 2>Growth on the other side. All right, you're picking up

<v Speaker 2>what I'm laying down.

<v Speaker 1>Also, validation seeking people also tend to betray because they

<v Speaker 1>need attention and approval outside of their relationship aka cheater, cheater, cheater,

<v Speaker 1>pumpkin etar. People also tend to betray because they had

<v Speaker 1>resentment that was never note, that was never voiced, So

<v Speaker 1>silent anger then turns into secret behavior, all right, envy,

<v Speaker 1>especially in friendships, all right, and I have a whole

<v Speaker 1>episode about that, where comparison exists under the surface. That's

<v Speaker 1>another reason why people tend to betray. Also, trauma enact

<v Speaker 1>repeating the familiar dysfunction because it feels normal. One of

<v Speaker 1>the biggest ones why people tend to betray is because

<v Speaker 1>they can't tolerate the guilt or the accountability, so they

<v Speaker 1>choose the secrecy over the integrity. Right, And it's hard

<v Speaker 1>to be honest, It's very hard. I understand that this

<v Speaker 1>is nuance to have certain conversations, especially if you are

<v Speaker 1>ninety nine point nine percent certain of how the dynamic

<v Speaker 1>is going to go. I do believe that there is

<v Speaker 1>there should be discernment in you can't just say everything

<v Speaker 1>in the name of being honest and transparent to everyone,

<v Speaker 1>because it's not always going to be received. Sometimes you

<v Speaker 1>are going to have to come to a point where

<v Speaker 1>you need to cut your losses and understand that, Okay,

<v Speaker 1>it kind of just is what it is.

<v Speaker 2>I understand that.

<v Speaker 1>It can feel really difficult because people, some people are

<v Speaker 1>just unapproachable and at that point, let me tell you

<v Speaker 1>this from an adult perspective, you have to realize what

<v Speaker 1>the outcome is going to be. Are we gonna walk

<v Speaker 1>away from this situation as friends or is this done

<v Speaker 1>because you need to decide what is it going to be?

<v Speaker 1>Or in a romantic dynamic, are we gonna just be

<v Speaker 1>done with the situation or like you, you have to

<v Speaker 1>make a decision of what you know it's going to

<v Speaker 1>be if you bring up said thing, right?

<v Speaker 2>All right?

<v Speaker 1>Pin that so feeling like you don't want to tolerate

<v Speaker 1>the guilt or the accountability, It doesn't excuse betrayal, all right?

<v Speaker 1>You know? Understanding this is why I love psychology human

<v Speaker 1>psychology because understanding human psychology does help you to stop

<v Speaker 1>internalizing someone else's emotional immaturity as your worth. It is

<v Speaker 1>not on you because some people have mishandled you. It

<v Speaker 1>is not on you that you know someone has may

<v Speaker 1>have chosen to betray you. And I know that it's

<v Speaker 1>hard to not want to internalize those things, but but

<v Speaker 1>that's just the truth. So some people also betray because

<v Speaker 1>they can't tolerate you know, you.

<v Speaker 2>Know, disfacing you at all.

<v Speaker 1>And and you know what, I think one of the

<v Speaker 1>biggest factors with this actually is envy because people will

<v Speaker 1>real life snakes. And I'm gonna just leave that there

<v Speaker 1>because i have a separate episode on that that I'm

<v Speaker 1>going to be doing. But let's talk about romantic betrayal. So,

<v Speaker 1>romantic betrayal is one of the most oh my gosh

<v Speaker 1>destabilizing because romantic partners have deep emotional access to us, right,

<v Speaker 1>So obviously betrayal from a romantic dynamic can look like infidelity,

<v Speaker 1>emotional cheating, lying, secret resentment, public disrespect, manipulation, and also

<v Speaker 1>withholding affection or truth. So what happens to you psychologically

<v Speaker 1>after you've been betrayed romantically, Well, some people they become

<v Speaker 1>hyper independent, some people, they start testing their partners. Some

<v Speaker 1>people become very emotionally guarded, and some just swing to

<v Speaker 1>anxiety and constantly cling to reassurance. And those people are

<v Speaker 1>extra annoying. I will tell you that right now. I'm sorry,

<v Speaker 1>but it's true.

<v Speaker 2>All right.

<v Speaker 1>So psychologically, what ends up happening is there is going

<v Speaker 1>to be a power in balance here because now you

<v Speaker 1>have an attachment in security because of what happened. Again,

<v Speaker 1>this is just all normal stuff that you will experience

<v Speaker 1>in getting betrayed. There's also emotional avoidance, and then there's

<v Speaker 1>kind of narcissistic supply dynamics that also play into this,

<v Speaker 1>and it will genuinely change you because again, you don't

<v Speaker 1>want this to happen to you, which is why, especially

<v Speaker 1>after experiencing, you know, betrayal, you do become hyper vigilant

<v Speaker 1>on guard because it's a form, it's survival, it's a

<v Speaker 1>threat to your survival. You have to make sure that

<v Speaker 1>you never experience this again. So you will go through

<v Speaker 1>and experience all of these things. And then there's also

<v Speaker 1>friendship betrayal. Okay this one, yeah, okay. Friendship betrayal I

<v Speaker 1>feel like is deeply underestimated because it can be just

<v Speaker 1>as painful, if not even more, because friendships, you know,

<v Speaker 1>the friendships that we expect to be healthy, are not

<v Speaker 1>only emotionally safe, but they have no competition. So betrayal

<v Speaker 1>and friendships can obviously look like talking behind your back,

<v Speaker 1>sharing private information that you shared with that person, subtle jealousy,

<v Speaker 1>making little digs, making little jabs, competing instead of celebrating you,

<v Speaker 1>always looking to one up you, disappearing when you evolve

<v Speaker 1>all of a sudden, you're doing better and this person

<v Speaker 1>is nowhere in sight. Okay, passive aggression, that's mass as concern.

<v Speaker 1>Sometimes it could even look like condescending tones as well.

<v Speaker 1>So psychologically, friendship and betrayal, it's going to evolve, right,

<v Speaker 1>First there's that social comparison, and then there's the identity threat,

<v Speaker 1>and then there is unresolved in security.

<v Speaker 2>And I'm telling I.

<v Speaker 1>Know for a fact we've all experienced this at some point,

<v Speaker 1>and it's just it's heartbreaking when you go through friendship

<v Speaker 1>betrayal because the lengths that some people go to make

<v Speaker 1>themselves feel vindicated is actually scary, you know, like it's

<v Speaker 1>it really is concerning. It's a cause for concern, all right,

<v Speaker 1>and you will just and inevitably become more isolated, hyper observant,

<v Speaker 1>you are slow to open up, all right, or your

<v Speaker 1>protective of personal information. I think, especially with the last two,

<v Speaker 1>that's very normal, but sometimes people can interpret that as

<v Speaker 1>you being harder to connect with, when the reality is

<v Speaker 1>you're just protecting your piece. So you have to be

<v Speaker 1>mindful of in friendship betrayal, when someone has is envious

<v Speaker 1>of you and it's disguised as closeness. They're around you

<v Speaker 1>because they admire you to such a degree that they

<v Speaker 1>are actually envious of you, so they want to be

<v Speaker 1>around you, hoping that they can almost swap places with you.

<v Speaker 2>There's also this.

<v Speaker 1>Emotional dependency that they have on you because they're trying

<v Speaker 1>to just consume everything about you, and then it's also

<v Speaker 1>a threat to their identity. People will admire you, come

<v Speaker 1>around you and admire you for the very things that

<v Speaker 1>they're going to run a smear campaign and twist and

<v Speaker 1>twist around about you. They'll come around you and talk about, oh,

<v Speaker 1>my gosh, I love your fashion sense, You're so this,

<v Speaker 1>You're so that. Turn around and you are no longer

<v Speaker 1>friends with them anymore, and it's now, oh she copied

<v Speaker 1>my style, I put her onto this, and I put

<v Speaker 1>her enough really like just enough?

<v Speaker 2>All right?

<v Speaker 1>So then there's something called a social comparison theory, and

<v Speaker 1>I want to talk about it. So humans tend to

<v Speaker 1>define or determine their value by comparing themselves to other people.

<v Speaker 1>So we are conscious. We are constantly consciously or subconsciously

<v Speaker 1>measuring success, beauty, relationships, career progression, social status, influence, attention.

<v Speaker 2>And even emotional maturity. But here's the key.

<v Speaker 1>So when we compare ourselves, we tend to compare ourselves

<v Speaker 1>more intensely to people that are similar to us. Not celebrities,

<v Speaker 1>not strangers, but actually our peers. And this is why

<v Speaker 1>friendship dynamics can become so psychologically complicated. Okay, let's let's

<v Speaker 1>dive a little bit deeper. So there's something called an

<v Speaker 1>upward versus downward comparison. So the upward comparison is comparing

<v Speaker 1>yourself to someone who you perceive is ahead of you. Right,

<v Speaker 1>they can inspire growth or it can trigger insecurity. So

<v Speaker 1>if a person does feel secure, the upward comparison could

<v Speaker 1>look like she's.

<v Speaker 2>Doing amazing and it motivates me.

<v Speaker 1>But if a person feels insecure, it can sound like,

<v Speaker 1>why her and not me?

<v Speaker 2>I don't see why she's so special?

<v Speaker 1>And if that insecurity is unprocessed, yeah, it can then

<v Speaker 1>turn into resentment, competition, subtle you know, digs and jabs,

<v Speaker 1>you're undermining that person, and also emotional distance. The downward

<v Speaker 1>comparison is comparing yourself to someone that you perceive is

<v Speaker 1>behind you. Uh oh, so this makes people feel temporarily

<v Speaker 1>superior or safe.

<v Speaker 2>All right, hear me out. This is where the betrayal happens.

<v Speaker 1>If a friend was comfortable feeling ahead of you, and

<v Speaker 1>then you grow and you evolve, you get attention, you elevate,

<v Speaker 1>you looking great, the comparison flips, and some people cannot

<v Speaker 1>emotionally regulate that shift. AKA, when you met them, they

<v Speaker 1>were probably doing a little bit better, and then you

<v Speaker 1>ended up doing even better. And now they can't handle

<v Speaker 1>it because they can't seem to get over the fact

<v Speaker 1>that you're now ahead of them, because they were always

<v Speaker 1>comparing the fact that you were behind them. So instead

<v Speaker 1>of celebrating you, oh, they're gonna minimize your wins. All right,

<v Speaker 1>you're you're you had something major happen. Oh oh wow,

<v Speaker 1>oh my gosh, amazing, that's amazing. I'm so happy for you.

<v Speaker 1>It's just like so crazy that like you're making all

<v Speaker 1>this money now because like I remember, like yesterday, like

<v Speaker 1>you were like asking me for gas money. But like

<v Speaker 1>I'm so happy for you, like obviously, like it's great

<v Speaker 1>that you're doing well, Oh okay, nice, Or they make

<v Speaker 1>backhanded compliments, all right, or they withdraw, or they gossip

<v Speaker 1>like crazy people that are jealous, they're envious. They want

<v Speaker 1>to do the whole in this case, the downward comparison thing.

<v Speaker 1>They always want to bring up your past. It's the

<v Speaker 1>only thing they have to hold on to is who

<v Speaker 1>you used to be. And then they add some lies

<v Speaker 1>on top of that, right, that's the only thing they

<v Speaker 1>can hold on to, or their own projections as well,

<v Speaker 1>all right. They also tend to compete with you subtly.

<v Speaker 1>It's weird. It's like you all of a sudden, are

<v Speaker 1>I'm not getting it? Like is it like weirdly like

<v Speaker 1>arousing you that, like I'm you're looking at me like

<v Speaker 1>I'm inferior to you, And now all of a sudden,

<v Speaker 1>I'm doing my own thing and there's no space for

<v Speaker 1>that in my life. When I tell you, I experience

<v Speaker 1>this to the tea. It's actually insane to me, Like

<v Speaker 1>I remember, I'm doing my own thing, and it was

<v Speaker 1>like the person I was friends with, there was no

<v Speaker 1>room for me to do my own thing. She got

<v Speaker 1>angry at me because I didn't want to be her

<v Speaker 1>manager at one point, and I'm like, girl, I'm trying

<v Speaker 1>to manage myself. Why would I manage you. I'm also

<v Speaker 1>not a manager and you're unmanageable, so by you know,

<v Speaker 1>it just it was absolutely crazy and she just couldn't handle,

<v Speaker 1>clearly in hindsight, the fact that I was different than her,

<v Speaker 1>an independent, and I was just trying to do my

<v Speaker 1>own thing, and it bothered her because she wanted to

<v Speaker 1>be in control of whatever I do. I don't know

<v Speaker 1>at this point, it's just so long now, I don't

<v Speaker 1>even care. But she just wanted to be in control, right,

<v Speaker 1>So they could also sabotage, you know, your relationships. They

<v Speaker 1>will sabotage your relationships with other people. They'll sabotage closeness, right,

<v Speaker 1>And it's it's simply because your growth threatens their self

<v Speaker 1>concept because they're insecure. You growing now all of a

<v Speaker 1>sudden is making them look at themselves like, well, what

<v Speaker 1>about me, What does this mean for me? If she's

<v Speaker 1>gonna go here, and she's gonna get invited here, and

<v Speaker 1>she's growing this massive following, I'm left behind. What is

<v Speaker 1>gonna happen to me? If she's making all these strides.

<v Speaker 1>I was able to do this, and I was able.

<v Speaker 2>To do that.

<v Speaker 1>Now she got the car, she has the house, she

<v Speaker 1>has the kids, she has the marriage. Oh they can't

<v Speaker 1>handle it. So why do friendship betrayal feel so confusing? Well,

<v Speaker 1>friendships are supposed to feel equal, right, Let's leave that there.

<v Speaker 1>There is this unspoken expectation of we are on the

<v Speaker 1>same team, right, So when that comparison energy starts to

<v Speaker 1>creep in, it's a violation.

<v Speaker 2>That's exactly what it is.

<v Speaker 1>So you're gonna notice when your wins feel awkward to share.

<v Speaker 2>Please please take notes with what I'm saying.

<v Speaker 1>The second you start to notice that when you're winning,

<v Speaker 1>you feel awkward sharing it with this person.

<v Speaker 2>Yeah, you're on your way out, all right.

<v Speaker 1>They seem supportive publicly, but they're distant privately. They confide

<v Speaker 1>in you, but they also compete with you. How does

<v Speaker 1>that work? Okay, and you feel tension whenever you're doing well.

<v Speaker 1>I always notice when I have an unhealthy person in

<v Speaker 1>my life the second I start to do my own thing.

<v Speaker 1>And I don't know if it's just my natural humility

<v Speaker 1>that I have hung out with certain individuals and my

<v Speaker 1>personality for some reason makes them think that they're putting

<v Speaker 1>me onto something like I don't know, and I don't

<v Speaker 1>even have the heart to tell them, like babe, like

<v Speaker 1>this is really nothing new, and I'm like, okay, like

<v Speaker 1>cause I'm trying to be genuinely supportive and I don't

<v Speaker 1>I don't want to like clock every single thing. I

<v Speaker 1>really don't, but like something about my personality just like

<v Speaker 1>really makes people think that they're doing something. And I'm like, okay,

<v Speaker 1>like let me take accountability for maybe how I'm showing

<v Speaker 1>up because I or maybe these are just the wrong people,

<v Speaker 1>you know, have been the wrong people that have been

<v Speaker 1>in my life in the past, where it's like they

<v Speaker 1>really think they're doing me like a favor somehow, and

<v Speaker 1>I'm not understanding the disconnect as to how that's.

<v Speaker 2>Even possible when I'm always doing my own thing.

<v Speaker 1>Okay, I am my own plug, thank you, all right,

<v Speaker 1>So when you think about that, right when you're feeling

<v Speaker 1>awkward to share all these different things. The tension often

<v Speaker 1>has nothing to do with you directly, right, It's about

<v Speaker 1>how those people feel about themselves in proximity to you,

<v Speaker 1>because they are comparing themselves to you.

<v Speaker 2>So then there's the identity threat. Right.

<v Speaker 1>Social comparison becomes even more dangerous when somebody's identity is fragile,

<v Speaker 1>aka you cannot be around insecure people.

<v Speaker 2>It is actually deadly.

<v Speaker 1>Right if a friend's identity is built off of being

<v Speaker 1>the prettier one, being the more successful one, the one

<v Speaker 1>in the relationship, the put together one, the wise one,

<v Speaker 1>you know, the influencer, the stable one, whatever it is, right,

<v Speaker 1>and you begin to embody any of those traits, it's

<v Speaker 1>going to create an identity threat to that person.

<v Speaker 2>So now, and a threat in identity.

<v Speaker 1>Oh yeah, babe, it's going to produce behavior that looks

<v Speaker 1>just like betrayal. So instead of saying, I actually feel

<v Speaker 1>insecure for some reason, and I know this is unfathomable

<v Speaker 1>to people that don't experience this range of emotion, because girl,

<v Speaker 1>I'm right with you, I don't get it. I don't

<v Speaker 1>get it, and what a blessing it is for me

<v Speaker 1>to not get it. Right, they may start unconsciously creating distance,

<v Speaker 1>or they might diminish you, they might compete with you,

<v Speaker 1>or they will actually break your trust.

<v Speaker 2>Yeah, you know.

<v Speaker 1>And the weird thing about friendship betrayal is sometimes it's

<v Speaker 1>not even about hatred, but it really is just all

<v Speaker 1>about the comparison. And then sometimes that comparison does lead

<v Speaker 1>to hatred. It's like, some people love the front of

<v Speaker 1>me type of competition.

<v Speaker 2>I don't.

<v Speaker 1>So you can really take that to the bank. I

<v Speaker 1>don't do front of mees. I don't want to do

<v Speaker 1>the nice, nasty and oh my gosh, like love that

<v Speaker 1>for you sys good for you girl, Oh my gosh,

<v Speaker 1>love that like.

<v Speaker 2>I don't want to do that.

<v Speaker 1>I don't I want to be genuine with my I

<v Speaker 1>don't want to have to think about being calculated on

<v Speaker 1>how I'm going to say this to this person and

<v Speaker 1>say that to that person.

<v Speaker 2>You're done, You're finished.

<v Speaker 1>So comparison obviously becomes very dangerous when your self worth

<v Speaker 1>is very fragile, and we all know comparison is the

<v Speaker 1>thief of joy anty way.

<v Speaker 2>So especially if you're a high.

<v Speaker 1>Achieving woman, right like us, we are a high achieving women.

<v Speaker 1>So in your especially in this space of being high achieving.

<v Speaker 1>You know, where there's growth, there's visibility, there's evolutions, friendships

<v Speaker 1>are going to shift. So when a person grows rapidly

<v Speaker 1>let's say, in their confidence, in their standards, in their faith,

<v Speaker 1>in their visibility, in their boundaries, it can definitely disrupt

<v Speaker 1>the relational balance that you have in some of your

<v Speaker 1>pre existing friendships. And if both people aren't secure enough

<v Speaker 1>to grow simultaneously, then the comparison will quietly erode at

<v Speaker 1>the connection because now you're too distant from that person

<v Speaker 1>and of okay, you guys maybe have the same circumstance,

<v Speaker 1>and now you shot up here and the person is

<v Speaker 1>still in the same place. So that's what's going to

<v Speaker 1>disrupt the relational connection. So what is the aftermath of

<v Speaker 1>the social comparison? So when somebody realizes a friend betrayed them,

<v Speaker 1>let's say, out of envy, it can create a lot

<v Speaker 1>of distrust in female friendships. You will withhold your success

<v Speaker 1>from people, And I will be honest with you, that

<v Speaker 1>is something that I've done. Like, I don't like talking

<v Speaker 1>about the things I accomplish or the things that I

<v Speaker 1>get because there's always this chip that I would have

<v Speaker 1>on my shoulder of like, and I still do sometimes

<v Speaker 1>if I'm being honest of I don't want to ever

<v Speaker 1>come across like I'm making someone think I'm better than them,

<v Speaker 1>But I know I've been conditioned to feel that way

<v Speaker 1>because of my experiences growing up and me wanting to

<v Speaker 1>feel accepted by all of all people, which obviously is

<v Speaker 1>not possible, but just wanting to be accepted by whoever

<v Speaker 1>I was around, and for them to know that I'm

<v Speaker 1>coming from a place of love and I'm not trying to,

<v Speaker 1>you know, be braggadocious or anything like that. And the

<v Speaker 1>irony is, in hindsight, it did not preclude or prevent

<v Speaker 1>me in any capacity from still being betrayed, from being

<v Speaker 1>lied on, lied to, lied about, smear campaigns, all the things.

<v Speaker 1>No matter how kind I genuinely tried to be, it

<v Speaker 1>didn't prevent any of these things from happening to me.

<v Speaker 1>No matter how much I did not brag. It did

<v Speaker 1>not help me in any capacity. And I'm not saying

<v Speaker 1>to do that, but it's just natural accomplishments and things

<v Speaker 1>that I would have going for myself. I find that

<v Speaker 1>I would just not mention them because I almost have

<v Speaker 1>it in my head of why would they be happy

<v Speaker 1>for you. You understand what I'm saying, So all right, Yeah,

<v Speaker 1>you will definitely play small so that you can stay

<v Speaker 1>come fftable. You undermine yourself so that you can be

<v Speaker 1>comfortable around someone. That's another way, you know. Okay, Like

<v Speaker 1>you know we're done, right. You also have hyper independence,

<v Speaker 1>right or you have you're very emotionally guarded. I know

<v Speaker 1>the second I start to feel like I don't trust

<v Speaker 1>you and I'm filtering the I have to filter the

<v Speaker 1>things that I say to you because I just all

<v Speaker 1>of a sudden feel unsafe. You're done And that's sad,

<v Speaker 1>because growth should not cost you your community all the time,

<v Speaker 1>you know, and obviously it depends. Like I am a

<v Speaker 1>believer in Jesus Christ as my Lord and savior, and

<v Speaker 1>luckily I didn't lose friends because of it. There were

<v Speaker 1>surface level connections or connections that I didn't really care

<v Speaker 1>for that deeply that may have been impacted. But my

<v Speaker 1>core friends are still my core friends to this day.

<v Speaker 1>All right, But your growth is sometimes or a lot

<v Speaker 1>of the time, or every time, going to reveal who

<v Speaker 1>was connected to you and who was actually competing with you.

<v Speaker 2>Right.

<v Speaker 1>I remember having this feeling with a friend of mine

<v Speaker 1>in the past. I remember thinking, like, when I get

<v Speaker 1>to a certain level, I'm so curious to see how

<v Speaker 1>this person's going to respond. We never even made it

<v Speaker 1>there because I was done well before then. But yeah,

<v Speaker 1>I understand. Now let's move on to family betrayal. So

<v Speaker 1>family betrayal can look like emotional abandonment, gas lighting, the

<v Speaker 1>lack of protection and siding with your abusers, or having

<v Speaker 1>conditional love. So family betrayal is different obviously from romantic

<v Speaker 1>or friendship betrayal because family is your first experience of safety.

<v Speaker 2>Hello.

<v Speaker 1>So before your partners, before your friends, before the world,

<v Speaker 1>your nervous system learned what it was, what love was

<v Speaker 1>like through the lens of your family. So when betrayal

<v Speaker 1>happens in a family system, it doesn't just hurt. It

<v Speaker 1>becomes structural. Yeah, so now this becomes your attachment style.

<v Speaker 1>So our attachment style, as we know, is formed early

<v Speaker 1>in our childhood. So if the people that we're supposed

<v Speaker 1>to be protecting you, believing you, defending you, comforting you,

<v Speaker 1>and telling you the truth dismiss you instead gas let you,

<v Speaker 1>side against you, or emotionally abandon you, yeah, your brain

<v Speaker 1>is now going to encode this as the core belief,

<v Speaker 1>all right, that love is not safe.

<v Speaker 2>That's what your brain now knows is that love is

<v Speaker 2>not safe.

<v Speaker 1>So this is going to create an insecure attachment pattern

<v Speaker 1>where you can have an anxious attachment where you have

<v Speaker 1>the fear of abandonment, which is also as cousins with

<v Speaker 1>fear of rejection. Right, oh my gosh, if they leave,

<v Speaker 1>and this is the thing, you become a bottomless pit. Unfortunately,

<v Speaker 1>because these things should have been properly developed in your childhood.

<v Speaker 1>I'm not blaming anyone for it not being obviously, but

<v Speaker 1>you become a bottomless pit, all right. And the thing

<v Speaker 1>about the anxious attachment too, it's exhausting. I'm sorry, Like

<v Speaker 1>I have been around so many people with the anxious

<v Speaker 1>attachment style and it's just like I can't. I can't, respectfully,

<v Speaker 1>I can't do it. It creates anxiety in me that

<v Speaker 1>I don't even have, where I'm feeling overwhelmed, consumed, like

<v Speaker 1>I'm reporting to you like you're my guardian, like you're

<v Speaker 1>consuming me to like it's just it's all too much.

<v Speaker 1>Everything is a production with you. And I'm not sitting

<v Speaker 1>here trying to blame anybody, but you need help okay.

<v Speaker 1>And then you can't even make autonomous decisions because you're

<v Speaker 1>now having a factor in how does this land to

<v Speaker 1>this person? I can't even live my own life because

<v Speaker 1>you're worried about feeling abandoned and rejected by me.

<v Speaker 2>What's happening? Stop it? Please? Okay, don't annoy me.

<v Speaker 1>Then you also have an avoidant mint attachment, and this

<v Speaker 1>is the fear of dependence. You don't want to rely

<v Speaker 1>on nobody for nothing. And I get that, girl, I do,

<v Speaker 1>I really really do. It's all done out of protection.

<v Speaker 1>And if I may, I think, out of all the

<v Speaker 1>attachment style, sometimes avoidant is the best.

<v Speaker 2>Wane I'm kidding, but maybe I'm not.

<v Speaker 1>Maybe I'm not. Maybe I'm not kidding, Okay. And then

<v Speaker 1>there's also the disorganized attachment. And this is like that,

<v Speaker 1>this is like a nightmare. It's like that push pull

<v Speaker 1>chaos sort of dynamic where people love those cat and

<v Speaker 1>mouse games, they love the up and the down. And

<v Speaker 1>I believe that the disorganized attachment style directly corresponds with

<v Speaker 1>all of them. I believe it's like an amalgam of

<v Speaker 1>the avoidant as well as the anxious, et cetera, etc.

<v Speaker 1>So you may unconsciously be recreating familiar dynamics because they

<v Speaker 1>feel normal to you. Right, So it's not necessarily because

<v Speaker 1>you may like the dysfunction, but it's because your nervous

<v Speaker 1>system simply recognizes it. That's what it boils down to.

<v Speaker 1>So there's gaslighting and then there's the reality distortion. Right,

<v Speaker 1>So when you in a family dynamic with betrayal, this

<v Speaker 1>often includes subtle or even overt gaslighting. So the examples

<v Speaker 1>can look like that didn't happen, or you're too sensitive,

<v Speaker 1>or you're being dramatic, or you're misunderstood, or why are

<v Speaker 1>you always the problem? Over time, this will create self

<v Speaker 1>doubt at a foundational level. All right, you don't just

<v Speaker 1>question others, no, no, no, no, You're going to question your

<v Speaker 1>own memory, your own perception, and also your emotional responses.

<v Speaker 1>You have no trust in yourself, all right, because the

<v Speaker 1>gaslighting foundationally at your core, it was rocked. So now

<v Speaker 1>this leads to you over explaining yourself. This leads to

<v Speaker 1>difficulty setting boundaries aka people pleaser fear of being too

<v Speaker 1>much ooh I had that one girl. By accepting blame

<v Speaker 1>quickly or crown guilt, I'm reading myself for filth sometimes

<v Speaker 1>with some of this stuff, it's crazy, okay, But because

<v Speaker 1>your emotional truth was denied early, all right, which sets

<v Speaker 1>the core and the foundation. Of course, asserting yourself later

<v Speaker 1>is gonna feel unsafe you never learned how to do it.

<v Speaker 1>And then there's also loyalty versus self abandonment. So in

<v Speaker 1>family systems, loyalty is often valued above honesty. I know

<v Speaker 1>you guys know that's true, so please, I don't want

<v Speaker 1>to hear it. We all know the ah, blood is

<v Speaker 1>thicker than water thing, all right, So you may have

<v Speaker 1>been taught family is everything.

<v Speaker 2>Blood is thicker than water.

<v Speaker 1>Like I said, we don't air business out, respect your

<v Speaker 1>elders no matter what. So now when betrayal happens to

<v Speaker 1>you inside your family, you feel trapped because who you

<v Speaker 1>going to talk to? If you speak up, you're disloyal.

<v Speaker 1>If you stay silent, you betray yourself. Obviously, use desernment

<v Speaker 1>in this. You don't just go because I'm sorry. Like

<v Speaker 1>to me, certain things you just simply don't bring up

<v Speaker 1>because it's just it's just gonna And again I'm not

<v Speaker 1>talking to about abuse or anything like that. I'm talking

<v Speaker 1>about disagreements and all these different things you have to

<v Speaker 1>be discerning of who you're telling what to because at

<v Speaker 1>the end of the day, your family is still going

<v Speaker 1>to be your family, right, So you have to make

<v Speaker 1>a decision on what am I about to tell this person?

<v Speaker 1>Am I okay? With the consequence of maybe this getting

<v Speaker 1>back or my relationship permanently being severed because of what

<v Speaker 1>I'm going to share, YadA, YadA, YadA. So there is

<v Speaker 1>nuance to it. It's very complicated. I understand that. So

<v Speaker 1>people who learn to self abandon right they want to

<v Speaker 1>preserve belonging instead, so it becomes performative. So that's going

<v Speaker 1>to create adults who tolerate disrespect. It's going to create

<v Speaker 1>adults who struggle to go no contact or low contact.

<v Speaker 1>It's going to produce adults who feel guilty for protecting themselves.

<v Speaker 1>Uh oh, it's going to create adults that stay in

<v Speaker 1>harmful situations out of obligation. Because you were never taught

<v Speaker 1>to just actually feel what you're feeling and being able

<v Speaker 1>to understandably act on that and have space to process

<v Speaker 1>what's going on. So that's why family betrayal is very complicated,

<v Speaker 1>because the separation literally feels like you were losing your identity,

<v Speaker 1>so there are a couple wounds here too, like the

<v Speaker 1>unprotected child wound, and this is one of the most

<v Speaker 1>devastating forms of family betrayal. It's the lack of protection, right,

<v Speaker 1>So this happens when abuse was ignored. This happens when

<v Speaker 1>harm was minimized. This happens when you were not defended.

<v Speaker 1>And this also happens when someone chooses comfort over your safety.

<v Speaker 1>So the wound then becomes I am not worth protecting,

<v Speaker 1>So that belief obviously can follow you into adulthood, and

<v Speaker 1>then as a result, it's going to show up like

<v Speaker 1>you're accepting poor treatment in relationships, you're struggling to advocate

<v Speaker 1>for yourself, you are feeling invisible. You are hyper independent,

<v Speaker 1>and it's giving I'll protect myself or no one else will.

<v Speaker 1>And hyper independence often looks like it often looks strong

<v Speaker 1>on the outside, but underneath, it's really just the child

<v Speaker 1>who learned that protection was just not guaranteed. So you're

<v Speaker 1>gonna probably be someone that's gonna be very, very defensive.

<v Speaker 1>And then there's also role assignment in dysfunctional families, so

<v Speaker 1>family betrayal can often include rigid roles. So you're the scapegoat,

<v Speaker 1>you're the one that's blamed for everything, all right, Or

<v Speaker 1>you're the golden child you have this pressure to constantly perform.

<v Speaker 2>Or you're the peacekeeper so.

<v Speaker 1>You always have to be the one that's you know, mediating,

<v Speaker 1>or you're the parentified child yikes, oh my goodness, where

<v Speaker 1>you're emotionally responsible for the adults. Or you're the invisible one. Yes,

<v Speaker 1>she's in the corner you no one ever ever knows

<v Speaker 1>she's there. Okay, Yeah, these roles genuinely become identity ten plates.

<v Speaker 2>Sure do.

<v Speaker 1>So. If you were the scapegoat, you may over defend yourself. Now,

<v Speaker 1>if you were parentified, you may overfunction in your adult relationships.

<v Speaker 2>If you were the invisible one, well then.

<v Speaker 1>You will struggle to take up space because in family

<v Speaker 1>betrayal and you know dynamics, it doesn't just wound you.

<v Speaker 1>It becomes like the blueprint and the structure and for

<v Speaker 1>your life, it.

<v Speaker 2>Basically scripts you.

<v Speaker 1>Family betrayal is especially painful because we expect unconditional love

<v Speaker 1>from our family, right, but unconditional love is not the.

<v Speaker 2>Same as unconditional access. Please understand that. Right.

<v Speaker 1>We owe people love, but we do not owe them

<v Speaker 1>access to us, especially when they have done a little

<v Speaker 1>bit too much, right, So faith does not require you

<v Speaker 1>to stay in harm's way.

<v Speaker 2>This is something that I battled with genuinely for.

<v Speaker 1>So long because I really could not understand what forgiveness

<v Speaker 1>looked like and whether or not I should still be

<v Speaker 1>in communication with certain individuals. But then I realized, no,

<v Speaker 1>I can love from a distance and I don't know

<v Speaker 1>you access back into my life. You've done too much,

<v Speaker 1>So forgiveness does not enable dysfunction, right, and honoring your

<v Speaker 1>parents also does not mean dishonoring your boundaries. If you're

<v Speaker 1>in a situation where you probably do have to make

<v Speaker 1>a tough call with that, sometimes God is going to

<v Speaker 1>heal you by revealing the truth about what you just

<v Speaker 1>simply normalized. Right, And sometimes the distance it's not rebellion,

<v Speaker 1>but it's actually restoration.

<v Speaker 2>You need time to withdraw, all right.

<v Speaker 1>So if you know betrayal in your family, it's going

<v Speaker 1>to shape all your future relationships. So if it's unhealed,

<v Speaker 1>like I said, you will over tolerate the red flags.

<v Speaker 1>You will be drawn to emotionally unavailable partners. Please understand

<v Speaker 1>me when I'm saying this. You will confuse chaos with chemistry.

<v Speaker 1>You will feel guilty for having boundaries. You will have

<v Speaker 1>a fear of abandonment. You will overfunction in friendships. You

<v Speaker 1>will attract people who also need saving, right, because your

<v Speaker 1>nervous system is seeking again what is familiar, not what

<v Speaker 1>is healthy. This is why having awareness is very powerful. Right,

<v Speaker 1>understand what your attachment wounds are, all right, and never

<v Speaker 1>confuse loyalty with self abandonment. Right, and then understand the

<v Speaker 1>long term behavioral shifts that tend to happen.

<v Speaker 2>You will overfunction, You will people.

<v Speaker 1>Please, Like I said, you will have the difficulty setting

<v Speaker 1>the boundaries, and you will accept unhealthy treatment as something

<v Speaker 1>that is normal. So, like I said, after you experience betrayal, yes,

<v Speaker 1>you are going to experience hyper independence. You're going to

<v Speaker 1>probably want to test loyalty. You're gonna avoid vulnerability. You

<v Speaker 1>may want to control situations to feel safe. You want

<v Speaker 1>to you know, you'll struggle to fully relax in relationships.

<v Speaker 2>I would say that healing is learning.

<v Speaker 1>How to protect yourself without losing your softness. That there's

<v Speaker 1>a delicate dance and it's a delicate balance because betrayal

<v Speaker 1>can actually make you wise. Obviously none of us want

<v Speaker 1>to go through it, but it definitely makes you wise. Bitterness, however,

<v Speaker 1>is gonna make you isolated. So I want to end

<v Speaker 1>with this. Healing from betrayal does not mean that you

<v Speaker 1>are pretending that it didn't hurt, Okay. It doesn't mean

<v Speaker 1>that you have to rush into forgiveness without your boundaries.

<v Speaker 1>It also does not mean that you should reopen doors

<v Speaker 1>that God has closed for your protection. Okay. So discernment

<v Speaker 1>is not bitterness, all right. Guarding your heart is not

<v Speaker 1>closing your heart. So sometimes betrayal it's going to reveal

<v Speaker 1>where you place your trust instead of where your foundation

<v Speaker 1>truly belongs, and that is in Jesus Grice.

<v Speaker 2>Okay.

<v Speaker 1>So remember this forgiveness is about releasing the weight from

<v Speaker 1>your spirit, okay, And reconciliation is going to require safety, accountability,

<v Speaker 1>and also change.

<v Speaker 2>You are allowed to heal slowly.

<v Speaker 1>You are allowed to rebuild your trust intentionally if that's

<v Speaker 1>what you choose to do. You are allowed to become

<v Speaker 1>more discerning, all right, without becoming disconnected. Right Because at

<v Speaker 1>the end of the day, betrayal may change how you

<v Speaker 1>show up, but healing decides who you are going to

<v Speaker 1>become after it.

<v Speaker 2>Right. So if this episode has resonated with you.

<v Speaker 1>I want you to share it with someone who needs

<v Speaker 1>language for what they have experienced, because we've all been

<v Speaker 1>there and hopefully we will never be here again. But

<v Speaker 1>such as life anyways, I hope you guys give this

<v Speaker 1>a five star rating, makes you guys hype up the

<v Speaker 1>video if you have the ability to do so, or

<v Speaker 1>just give it a thumbs up. Make sure you are subscribe,

<v Speaker 1>make sure your notifications are turned on, and with that

<v Speaker 1>being said, do not forget that I love you and

<v Speaker 1>God loves you. I'll speak to you, beautiful angels in

<v Speaker 1>my next episode.