All right.

A common theme when discussing co-parenting in high conflict is

the phrase parallel parenting.

And a lot of people have only heard of co-parenting.

And when you say parallel, the first question is what is that?

And essentially, we're gonna talk about it in a way of exact examples

today, and we're gonna break down why parallel is a better fit.

Versus co-parenting, especially somebody that's having to deal

with a high conflict co-parent.

Now, what is a high conflict co-parent?

Somebody that hates you.

Somebody that's making your life miserable.

Somebody that goes against everything that you do, somebody that talks bad

about you, somebody that is late on purpose, that tries to destroy the

relationship you have with your children.

Somebody that doesn't follow the rules, somebody that doesn't

listen to the parenting plan obligations or responsibilities.

Have I touched on who your ex is yet?

That is when we have to shift over to parallel.

So co-parenting is for these judges and lawyers who think that somebody that

went to court as a husband and wife and a couple and wanted to end their marriage

and they fought like cat and dog and they spent hundreds of thousands of dollars

and they couldn't come to one conclusion and they had to have the judge determine

everything are somehow going to co-parent.

And co-parent means that we will be flexible with each other.

We will communicate with each other.

We will share the children and share ideas about the children with each other.

Co-parenting is where we over talk and we overshare and it's reciprocated.

we ask for flexibility.

Hey, my mom came into town unexpectedly.

Can I have the kids a little bit extra?

Sure, no problem.

I'll get my time back sometime next month.

Don't worry about it.

And it's this blissful fricking union of co-parenting between two people that

are respecting each other, appreciate each other, value each other, and

still care about one another to a certain degree that they would never.

Run interference between that parent and that child.

And if you've been listening to me for a while, you probably

don't have that scenario.

And so you've been told and pushed and prodded and made to feel guilty

that you aren't co-parenting.

Well, I'm not gonna co-parent with the devil.

I'm not gonna co-parent that.

Someone with someone that doesn't want me breathing air.

It's very hard to co-parent and be open and transparent about, Hey, you

know, I've noticed a little change in little Stephanie and I feel like

maybe she's going through something.

You know, maybe we should meet up for coffee and talk about it and we'll

see what's going on at your house.

See what's going on at my house.

Maybe there's just something real small that we can both move or adjust and maybe

Stephanie will go back to the way she was, or we can change it or fix it for her.

That sounds great.

In an ideal co-parenting situation, if I were to have gone to my ex and said,

Hey, little Stephanie's having a problem at my house, it would've been front page

fucking news at the courthouse by the next day, and a motion would've been

filed for all of my custody to be taken away because one of our children were

going through something High conflict.

People take every opportunity to take any of your communication

and use it against you.

So the idea of co-parenting with a high conflict person is absurd.

and the court systems and the lawyers are so far behind this concept.

And when you get overeducated, like listening to this podcast or

following people on social media or other podcasts and books, and you

learn about parallel, you're like, oh my God, this is fucking genius.

This is what I will need.

And when you bring that to your court case, you get labeled as

high conflict that you don't wanna work with the other party.

You think the other party is, needs controlling or that

you're trying to control them?

No, that's not the case.

I'm trying to put a boundary up here that we are not going to work together and

guess what the other side of that is?

Your kids will be fine.

By doing parallel.

They will be fine.

I know everybody's like, yeah, but your kids need you to communicate.

Have you seen us communicate?

I'm telling you right now, our kids don't need that shit.

They don't want that, they don't want us communicating.

Literally, there was this point in time where I used to always walk up

to my ex-husband at sporting events and, and so our kids could all be

together with us and they wouldn't have to pick who they walked up to first.

I was such an amateur back then, and I would walk up, you know, to

their little circle of everything and my kids would look at me

like, what the fuck are you doing?

Coming up to us here, and I'm like, this is co-parenting.

Like we're gonna stand here together and we're all gonna talk.

And my kids were like, get out of here.

I don't want you talking.

Every time you walk up and talk.

He changes his mood, his attitude, the look on his face, and then we gotta listen

about why you walked up to other circle and why you couldn't just give him space

and why you can't just stay away from him.

My kids were like, no, we don't want you fucking talking because

it makes him feel a certain way and then we get punished for it.

I think that needs to be an eyeopener for some of y'all listening.

That's how your kids feel.

So apply that knowledge that maybe I don't walk up during social events

and I let my kids walk over to me and they're actually feel more comfortable

doing that because on that walk over, they get to switch a flip and go,

okay, now we're walking over to mom.

Whew.

And I don't have to have my guard up with both of them standing

within two feet of each other.

' cause I don't know what's gonna happen.

Right.

That's crazy for kids.

This concept, let's go back a little bit.

This concept of the court system and lawyers thinking that I

could call my ex-husband and say, Hey, something came up.

turns out my sister, who hasn't been in town in 12 years is swinging through,

but it seems like it's your weekend.

Can I swap you weekends?

If lawyers and judges truly think a high conflict person is gonna be a

yes on that one, wake up, that's a no.

Before I even picked up the phone.

There's no flexibility here, but mark my words, if his mother retires who

the kids see every other weekend, I better switch him weekends.

I better jump on switching him weekends so my kids can go to her retirement party

because they're really close with her.

It is chaos in trying to co-parent with a high conflict person.

The court systems force this when they give us joint, right?

And they don't make any decisions for us.

We talked about earlier episodes, how you, we have to go ahead and make all those

decisions so that we don't have to be stuck co-parenting with these people, but

the court system is assuming cooperation.

That's not happening.

we are not going to be cooperating.

What ends up happening nine times outta 10 is that a high conflict parent ends

up controlling how everything goes because they don't stop, won't stop.

They end up controlling every scenario, putting their spin

on absolutely everything.

There's no co-parenting going on.

There's control going on, there's vetoing things going on.

It is not co-parenting, but if we say parallel, then we're fucked, then

we're the asshole because we wanna have a boundary, or God forbid we

do our own thing at our own house.

So let's dive in real quick.

Let's talk about this.

What is parallel parenting?

Now I tried to co-parent for the first eight to 10 years of my journey.

My journey's over.

My kids are grown, they're part of my business.

I get a lot of feedback from them and their peers who also have

divorced, mom and dad's parents.

The thing with parallel is it's where my kids excelled.

When I was trying to co-parent my kids were a nervous wreck.

Anxiety written.

What the hell's going on?

Why are you so nice to him?

Why are you engaging so much with him?

This is uncomfortable.

Every time you engage, we get an explosive behavior afterwards.

Please stop engaging.

And I was over here like, everything's great.

Look at me, co-parent.

I'm not the problem.

Look at me, I'm sharing information.

Then I'm information gets used back against me.

I'm telling him things, and then that gets thrown back against me.

I could not figure out why.

He didn't wanna co-parent with me and share back or say thank you or,

wow, that's valuable information.

Thanks for letting me know, I'll apply that knowledge at my house.

I mean, when I got divorced, you guys, my kids were one in three, they were diapers.

So there was a lot like, Hey, this is what I figured out with potty training.

Hey, here's a new food they made.

Like, Hey, this, hey that.

Nothing, nothing.

And I'm thinking the only option here is co-parenting.

Co-parenting co-parent.

No.

No.

Switch into parallel as fast as you can.

So let's dive into it.

What is parallel?

Parallel is essentially my house, my rules, my policy, my design,

their house, their rules, their policy, their design by their house.

And we don't overlap.

We don't talk, we don't exchange.

We don't share tidbits about each other's homes.

We literally just live a parallel life.

Kids go from household to household, applying different rules and concepts

from each home when they're in that home.

Some examples, bedtimes.

When I get people wanting to build their parenting plan with my

team, one of the first questions is, can I put a bedtime in?

Uh, no.

I can't force the other parent to abide by a bedtime.

Not to mention that won't grow with the child unless we're

doing like, what's the bedtime?

Third grade, fourth grade, fifth grade, and we're not gonna do that.

So to me, parallel is something you really have to figure out, that you

gotta be okay with running your household a specific way and understanding that

children will be okay switching gears and living a different way at the other home.

Now some kids adjust very easily that these are the rules here and these are the

rules here, or this is how we eat here.

I have one household, that I'm close with, that I know is a vegan

household, but when the child goes to the other house, they have meat.

So that child just suggests that she knows she gets to eat meat over here and she

knows she does not eat meat over here.

She does if they go out and it's available, but it's not in the home.

The bedtimes is a big one.

Bath routines is a big one.

Morning routines.

One household does the whole kit and caboodle, pancakes, syrup,

milk, everything for breakfast.

This house, the kid goes to school and eats breakfast.

It's okay.

This house, this parent talks to the child about real life situations.

This house, the child gets an iPad, every household will be ran

differently and in parallel, it's critical for you to understand.

You don't have a fucking say in the other house, but the best part about that is the

other house has no say about your house.

I think for people that are listening that deal with high conflict

personalities, that's the selling point.

Yeah.

I would love to share.

And it doesn't do me dirty and it doesn't make me feel weird to

share what's going on at my house.

But I have to understand I sharing that with that high conflict person,

it's only gonna be used against me.

And if you haven't picked up on the app, pay attention,

it is being used against you.

You just haven't picked up on the pattern of it yet.

But also that high conflict parent can't come to my house

and tell me what I'm doing wrong.

They can't tell me that I should be doing this and I should be doing that.

Now, if you're in a trauma bond, I'm just gonna give you a little bit of a heads up.

I'm not your therapist.

Don't take this as medical advice.

But when you first split up and you've been in a heavy trauma bond,

you're gonna do everything that parent wants you to do at that household.

And how do I know that that was me?

I still ran my household, even though we were in completely different homes.

How my ex wanted to, I ran everything through a dad filter

at that point because I thought I had to do everything he was doing.

'cause that's what was better for the kids.

So if he wasn't doing a pacifier, I wasn't, if he was

doing cloth diapers, I wasn't.

Those two things did not happen.

those are just like, I wish, but those did not happen.

But.

I ran everything the way he did because I wanted my kids

to think we were co-parenting.

Fast forward, my knowledge now tells me that my kids would've been

perfectly fine from the word jump.

Me doing my thing, him doing his thing, and them not being the exact same.

Some things did overlap, but not all.

But the big thing about parallel is you don't have to share what happens

at your home unless it's in your parenting plan specifically listed.

I think this is where a lot of us think that like, 'cause I

label myself as the just person.

Sam was just, if I just do this he'll be nice to me.

If I just do this, he'll co-parent with me.

If I just do this, he'll try harder.

If I just do this, he'll ease up.

If I just do this, he'll stop taking me to court.

If I just do this, he'll, he won't file a motion.

If I just do this, he'll get off my ass about it.

None of that's true.

He was going to be him for however long to this day he wants to be.

Me trying to co-parent with someone that was treating me back a different way.

Why was I doing that?

Because I thought that was the only way.

The court system had only pushed on me that this is what you have

to do, Sam, you have to do, you have to do, you have to co-parent.

Otherwise, you're labeled as the problem.

You have to do this, otherwise you're the problem.

And I'm just here to tell you that's not the case.

You don't have to do that.

And so parallel is where it's at.

Now I want you again to be really cautious about where you drop that word.

Around attorneys and around GALS and around evaluators, but you gotta

understand it's your saving grace.

You have to be able to know that your house has your rules and

they have their rules, and the kids will adjust, or because I

already can hear you coming at me.

Or there's gonna be a huge change of circumstance that's gonna come to the

rise and be seen by more than just me.

And there's gonna be a problem that everybody's gonna notice that

could tip the scales back towards me as being the primary parent.

But I have to sit back and I have to let the difference at and I will say as

we're wrapping up, this is really hard.

As a parent to know that you could be sharing information or

trying to get along or working with that other parent, you could.

But when you're met with such hatred and hostility back, something so

simple, and I know this, this will be relatable and this is a true story.

I called my ex one time to tell him that our, oldest son had a

loose tooth and he had lost it.

And I said, you know, I'm calling with excitement.

Like this was a big tooth.

This was like one of the first starter teeth of being lost.

And I'm like, Hey, you know, Walker lost a tooth.

I, you know, sent the picture of, you know, standing there with

Toothless, blah, blah, blah, blah.

And I'm thinking, this is a celebratory picture.

I'm sharing what happened in my home.

I'm keeping them included.

You know, I was walking around the house like, Hey, we should send a picture.

I'm sure dad's gonna be so excited you lost your tooth.

Like I created excitement around Dad.

I was the queen of that at the beginning and.

I sent this picture and you would think the comeback would be in my

mind, the expectation, which you should never put your expectations

on your ex was, thank you.

Awesome.

Can't wait.

Hope the tooth fairy comes.

So cool.

Did it bleed long?

How is he, can I call him?

This is exciting.

Any of those?

Any of those?

I'll tell you.

No.

Instead, what I got back was a paragraph about how shitty of a mom I was, that he

already knew it was loose, and that it was probably gonna come out at my house,

and how dare me rub it in his face that he lost it at my house and not his house.

And I obviously haven't been paying attention because it could have been

lost at any point in time this week.

the audacity of me to rub it in his face,

what, like nowhere in my brain was that the response.

Nowhere.

Nowhere.

The audacity of me, Here's the deal, here's the other half of that coin.

Had I not sent the picture and our son would've shown up with a missing tooth,

I would've got my ass chewed for that.

Anybody relate to that?

You're damned if you do.

You damned if you don't.

And I'm coming from a place of you're better off damned if you don't because

you're gonna get in trouble either way.

Right beg for forgiveness versus permission is my motto When dealing

with high conflict people, I said what I said and I don't apologize for it.

That is a motto that you have to live by.

I will ask for forgiveness versus permission every time from a high conflict

person because that's who they are.

They took a picture of a child holding a tooth and turned it into how I was a

shitty mom that I didn't know had been loose for weeks before, that it could

have been lost at his house, and now I'm being vengeful that I'm sending

him a picture to rub his nose in it.

What the fuck are you talking about?

Like that's not how my brain works.

So it was very hard for me to understand that this is how high conflict people

work, and the quicker you can update yourself to parallel at what happens at my

house, stays at my house, and that's it.

The better your co-parenting journey will end up being

because it won't be co-parenting.

It'll be parallel and your house will be a lot more sane.

I wish you luck in this because this one's tough.

This one is tough.