All right.

We keep talking about a lot of these clauses that are in parenting

plans that can be deadly, and one of them, along with the other episodes

is open communication language.

I mean, I just cringe in thinking this for you, that this could be a possibility.

I mean, in this world where we're living in today, where it's so easy

to use a parenting app to get it court ordered, I don't know how

this isn't happening for everybody.

How are we still leaving these parenting plans so open that says that each

party can just openly talk wherever they want, however they want to.

The other party.

Like this absurdity to me at this point, again, if we're using

logic, we're gonna say, okay, parties A and B can't get along.

So they hired attorneys, they went to mediation, they couldn't get along.

They've tried to work through attorneys, they can't come to an

agreement, they've gone to court.

They talked ill about each other in court, and now we just think we're gonna

ship 'em out and say openly communicate with one another with no rules.

What?

Like, that's absurd to me, that would be absurd.

If two kids got in a fight in high school and we didn't tell them the

rules and regulations around their future communication and how they're

gonna conduct themselves in classes moving forward, that would be.

Like not okay.

Right.

the parents would be like, well what are you doing about this kid?

What, rules is this kid gonna have to follow now that he's around my

kid, he is already hit my kid once and now they have classes together.

Can we not change their schedule?

Can we not make sure that they're, always supervised by adults?

And we would set boundaries right for the kids to where they don't just have free

will to go knock each other out again.

When we're two parents, it's like, ma'am, I hear you.

I see that you're fighting.

I see that you can't get along, but we'll leave it to you to just figure it out on

your own after you've just paid thousands and thousands of dollars to the attorneys.

We don't wanna figure it out.

We don't wanna give you rules, but we'll just let you figure it out.

No, that is not this, like, I want policies, I want regulations.

I wanna know how we're doing this.

So this open communication language with no response times.

Limited or put into it can cause chaos.

And what I mean by no response times is when I send a message to the other

parent, there's parents out there that never respond, but yet in the

same parenting plan we have joint.

So I've raised a question because the question was not

determined in the parenting plan.

It was not made in the parenting plan.

So it was vague.

So we have to now come together and later determine.

So here's me trying to determine something with you.

But there's no qualifications for when you have to respond back to me.

And so some of you're like, I don't want parameters on how

often I have to talk to them.

Sounds cool, doesn't it?

Yeah.

Except for that fact that you're gonna need communication back to

you about said things and so you're gonna wanna response back from them

Also, it goes both ways, every time.

That's what you gotta think about your hat and then take it off and put their hat on.

How will this benefit me or how will this hurt me?

So when it comes to the communication part, we gotta remember that there are

multiple ways your ex is coming at you.

Let's first talk about the physical.

Is there rules in your communication portion that limits how you will conduct.

Yourselves face to face.

Are you allowed to just bring up anything in public?

Are you allowed to walk up to each other?

Are you allowed to be on each other's property?

Are you allowed to stand next to each other at a physical, you know,

basketball, volleyball, soccer game?

What does your parenting plan say?

So the physical interaction is one way.

We got people from my generation who love to talk on the phone

because there wasn't these awesome parenting apps and text messaging.

Yes, text messaging was not invented yet.

T nine had just started when I went through my divorce, and if you don't

even know what that is, I'm old.

You're not be grateful, but we have to get to the point where we are putting

down how we're talking to one another.

How can you get ahold of me?

Can you just call me 19 times in one day?

'cause there's high conflict X's that will, especially when you don't

answer, can you just waltz up to me and I and expect a response in public?

Can you text me 74 times before noon because I have a client right now who's

dealing with that because there's no rules in her parenting plan saying he cannot.

So what will be the stipulations in your communication clause?

And it can't just be both parties agree to open communication.

Now, again, when I read that and oh, let's add one open, reasonable communication,

let's just really dive into those, right?

Those phrases that we talked about in an earlier episode.

Reasonable communication that's not measurable, Larry.

So you're telling me to have reasonable open communication, but I think

reasonable is again, eight to four.

I have business hours in my communication with my co-parent.

I have business hours.

You don't get me during my kid time.

You don't get me during my work time.

I'll catch you on a break or a ship break.

or a smoke break.

You're not catching me at my nine to five, but you're also not

catching me during my kid time.

You'll get me when you get me when it's conducive to my schedule.

If your parenting plan doesn't reflect that, then you're getting

labeled as a bad co-parent.

You're getting labeled as a bad person.

You're getting unreasonable.

you're, so not answering me.

You know, I'm gonna take the kids from you because you don't communicate,

you don't tell me things, and it's like, I have a fucking job.

I also have the fucking kids and they are my priority.

They're safe with me.

They're sound, nothing that's going on with you.

And your little text message thread is of any vital importance

because the kids are safe with me.

I see them, they're fine, but man, how many of us run, run

to our fucking phones?

Every time it beeps, we hear that fucker go off in the other room we're like.

Kids.

I know we were right in the middle of a puzzle, but your dad text me, hold on.

Fuck that.

And I'm saying that to my former self.

Okay, let's just be real.

I'm gonna be transparent.

That was me.

I set his phone to a bark sound.

So when he called, 'cause again, calling was what I would run and

jump on that phone and answer it.

And what I was doing there was I was training my children to run and

answer him every time he calls, so that we weren't a problem for him.

Subconsciously, that's what I was doing.

Fast forward later when they got phones, that's exactly what they fucking did.

But I set the tone that I always respond 'cause I'm a good co-parent.

Look at me, look at me.

I get the sash when I get to heaven that I number one co-parent probably

won't get that, but it's not a thing.

All of us are thriving for this sugar cookie sash that doesn't fucking exist.

You don't get a pat on the back for being the parent that answers the

most, consecutively times in your co-parenting journey, you don't get that.

We have this horrible trauma bond that we have to respond right

away, so we don't get in trouble.

If we don't, they'll keep going.

It's a training program guys.

We have to train them.

But it starts with what does your fucking parenting plan say?

These messages are used.

I mean, 40, 50 some messages before noon.

Are you joking?

I wish I was, but I'm not.

When they have no, no filter, they will just keep messaging and messaging.

And it's funny, it's like they've talked to themselves the whole time.

They'll start out with an easy question.

So we always think, right, oh, this is easy.

I'll answer that, but we don't answer it 'cause we're busy or something.

And are you okay?

What's going on?

And then do accusatory.

Why are you ignoring me?

You can't do this.

I'm gonna take the kids.

And it just escalates through all the messages and by the end of it, it's,

please, will you just message me back?

'cause now they can't stand that they don't know what you're doing.

Paranoia and crazy runs rampant in these people.

They go from one extreme to the ugly, all in a matter of moments.

And they don't stop.

Won't stop.

They're here for the duration.

Their thumbs are exhausted.

They need little braces for them.

They will keep sending these messages and messages.

You have to have rules in your parenting plan.

And again, I'm gonna preface this by saying if you have a good,

respectful person, as you're probably sitting there listening,

like, Sam, my ex is not that crazy.

Okay?

Now, right now they might not be, but here's where everything will shift

when they get with a third party.

Your ex moves on to a new girlfriend.

Your ex moves on to a new boyfriend.

You don't know what kind of crazy that person's bringing to the table.

You don't know.

They may be the one that snatches that phone and now they started

texting 75 times till noon.

Prepare your parenting plan to get ahead of that bullshit.

Protect yourself.

You have to be thinking about this open language.

Well, we're gonna have no boundaries, and it's just whenever

you need something, message me.

Oh, run.

I ain't signing that.

I want a parenting app.

I want something that says we have to respond within 24 hours,

but I get 24 hours to respond.

I don't have to jump on a, oh my gosh.

The message went.

I have to, I'm like a rat in a cage and I have to go before I get shocked.

No, we're not doing that.

These messages During your parenting time, you have the children.

They're safe with you.

They're alive, they're breathing, they're right there.

And here's your ex message, message, message, message y to provoke

you, to distract you, to get you to where you're not parenting,

to get you to focus on them.

They don't want you relating to those kids and building your relationship.

They wanna interrupt that.

So they message and they message.

And so you're sitting there going, yeah, I, I'm supposed to be playing

with the kids, but look at all these messages coming through.

I, I don't know what I should be doing.

Like I'm gonna get in trouble if I don't, but who, who's gonna judge?

If you can see here from the data that I've shown on this

calendar date for January 15th, you can see that I woke at six.

I went to bed at 10 o'clock.

In between six and 10.

I received 302 text messages from my ex while my kids were

with me on January 15th, and I didn't feel obligated to respond.

I don't care if it's 23 messages.

Anything past two is excessive in my book.

Yeah, it is.

Anything past two is excessive.

' cause if I didn't answer you the first two fucking times, guess what?

I'm probably not gonna answer you the next 21 times.

So hold up until I message you back on the first two.

Don't keep sending me messages.

I'll get you on the first two, and when I do, you can think about

sending a third and fourth, and I'll think about answering them tomorrow.

But you're not gonna send me multiple messages, anything over two's

fucking harassment at this point.

Figure it out yourself or wait till I see you again, or wait till the next

exchange, or wait till fucking tomorrow.

Repeatedly sending me messages, tells me you got a fucking problem.

And it's a you problem, not a me problem, and I'm not making it my problem.

Therefore I'm not responding.

So if your ex wants to say, I'm taking your ass to court because you

didn't respond to me, good fucker.

I'm gonna show the court that you messaged me 75 times before fucking noon.

Ya Psycho.

I mean seriously, like stop and think past that point you guys like that doctor said

in that training that we gave inside the next chapter where they said, literally,

when your ex tells you that you're a bad co-parent, stop and ask yourself, am I?

No.

Just because I don't wanna respond to your 75 messages

doesn't make me a bad co-parent.

It makes you a psycho, it makes you a sociopath.

It makes you somebody that has a fucking issue, which is not my emergency.

I wanna focus on the kids.

Now, the other half of that is when they have the kids, you get one or

two types of a high conflict person.

They'll either bombard you with text messages while they have the

children because you're alone.

They hate that you're alone.

'cause you could be having fun and you could be doing something right.

And they can't do anything with the children because

they're obsessed with you.

Or you have the high conflict parent that never responds to you because they have

the kids, which again, I kind of respect.

Respect.

You got the kids answer when you got time Again, how I treat you

is how I expect to be treated.

So I'm not gonna give you 73 messages before noon 'cause that's not what I want.

I'm gonna keep it to two a day.

Maybe one or none.

But I'm gonna be on an app and I'm only gonna be in writing and I'm only gonna

be during my business hours 'cause this is a business transaction at this point.

We don't get along, we are not friends, we are not family, we are not cordial.

So it's all gonna be documented.

Stop talking to me in face to face.

I will say, I'll hear you talk to me face to face and I'll say, perfect.

Put that in an email please.

And I'll respond there.

Perfect.

Put that in the parenting app and I'll respond there.

But this open communication bullshit, Uhuh.

No way.

I'm not having it written in my parenting plan that they have free reign.

When a high conflict person sees that they can have open communication with you in a

parenting plan, all that is is harassment.

You've given them the green light to harass you, and if lawyers can't

see that, point it out to them.

If judges can't see that, show 'em your cell phone bill.

Show 'em what you mean.

I mean data, I mean, print out a calendar.

On a fucking huge piece of poster board, and I want you to write in there the

calendar of every time you've had the kids on an actual calendar, on the poster

board, you got the kids half the time.

Highlight those half the color and put real big numbers.

How many text message you receive on the days you have the children.

Let them see it.

Anything over two is asinine to me.

You have a parenting plan.

The answer should be in the parenting plan.

So anything outside of that should be like an emergent change of

schedule health re reason only.

So why are you texting 12 times in one day?

Why are you texting 17 times in one day?

And ask that judge, ask those attorneys.

How many times do you text message your wife every day, or ex-wife?

Anything over two is excessive.

What are we texting about?

Nothing.

Nothing of value of the children.

If so, your parenting plan should be written better.

Which I can attest a lot of.

You're walking around with some shitty ass parenting plans 'cause I didn't

help you and you found me too late.

I get it, I get it.

I'm here for the modification.

But when it comes to communication, lock this shit down, put business hours,

put time of return, put excessiveness 17 messages in a couple hours.

Whoa, whoa.

And if you have the children with you.

All they gotta do is say, look at how much she was on the phone.

Look at how much she engaged with me while she had the children.

Look at how much he responded back and he was supposed to have the kids.

He wasn't watching those kids if he was sending me this many messages, right?

So it could backfire.

So make sure you're smart about this communication language.

' cause it could really do you good to have it in there and it can really

do you dirty if you forget it.