All right.

We are going to dive into a topic that is touchy, um, cell phones.

Cell phones for your children.

And there's a lot to unpack here.

And I am by no means the expert on what is appropriate for children.

So don't be coming here for parenting advice about what age should a

child have a cell phone and what rules should the cell phone, that's

not what I wanna talk about today.

I wanna talk about the basics.

Okay?

'cause there's so many subjects.

We could go down a rabbit hole when talking about cell phones

and kids and parental controls.

Stalking and following and tracking your children and all said things.

I mean there's a lot to cover here, but let's today talk about the idea of who

buys the cell phone and what happens when the cell phone is used as a ploy

or pawn in the game of co-parenting.

All right, so let's just dive into it.

First and foremost, I believe the age that a child is getting a

cell phone is younger and younger.

I have no control over that.

I'm just telling you what I'm seeing, because a lot of parents are truly

believing that their kids are in a. Really harsh situation at the other

parent's house and they feel as though that cell phone could protect them.

And I think that's true, especially when landlines are not available anymore.

Nobody has a, cell phone that stays in the home.

Nobody has a wall unit.

Although I do think some people are going back to some analog stuff.

So I do think the possibilities of landlines coming back could be a thing.

Doubt it, but it could be.

But I think parents are worried that their kid is out and

about after extracurriculars also without a cell phone.

And so I think there is a lot of question of what age do we give a cell phone and

should this be in our parenting plan?

And I will say, if you've been here for more than a couple years with me,

you know that I used to include this in my parenting plan and I no longer do.

And I'll tell you why.

I don't feel like it's a good fit.

Four high conflict.

And the reason I'm saying that is because I don't want any type of parent to have

control over the other parent with money.

And so if we write in a parenting plan, that both parties will split a cell phone.

I'm now connected with that high conflict parent over a money situation.

And so when we're talking about $1,200 cell phones, for an iPhone, I now have

to split that cost with somebody that's paying or receiving child support.

So then that whole topic of conversation comes up of like, well, isn't that

what child support money's for?

And I give you enough and I receive and pay.

It gets messy.

Not to mention if both people pay.

Now both people have a right to that cell phone in taking

said cell phone from child.

And then this is where I just start to disagree with a lot of things because I

truly believe how my kids acted as 10, 11, 12, 13, and on was not how they acted.

At their dad's house.

They were two different children.

They were a certain way with me and a certain way with him.

And so while I may have went to him when they were 11, 12, 13 and said,

Hey, I think they need a phone.

He could have been like, absolutely not.

There's no way they're ready for a phone.

So we're already disagreeing about the age appropriateness of

when they would have the phone.

And then, like I said, the money conversation would be a whole

other tailspin to go down to.

And then the other thing of like, well, Whose line would it be under,

be under my line or his line?

'cause we don't have a cell phone together anymore.

We are not married.

We're two different people.

So there's just all these little parameters that I

just, it got really messy.

So I removed it from my parenting plan that I custom build for people.

Now, all the time people ask for it to be put in.

And this is how I coach them.

And I just say this, if you want your child to have a cell

phone, go get a fucking cell phone and give it to your child.

That falls under parallel.

Unless your parenting plan says that you specifically have to determine

and agree on what age and what phone and how and the rules and the parent

controls, and the passwords and the locations and everything has to be

talked about in your parenting plan.

Go do what you wanna do.

Go provide that cell phone.

Go get that cell phone.

'cause the last thing I wanna be doing is being money tied to

my ex-husband on a cell phone.

No way.

No how.

Again, we would fight over.

When does the phone need to be updated?

When does he need a new phone?

What if he breaks the phone?

Well, he Broke the phone at your house, but you didn't get insurance on.

Ugh, gross.

Not doing it.

Not doing it.

Now again, that means one of you, you probably, since you're on here

trying to learn, are gonna be the one carrying the burden of the

financial burden of the phone.

That's fine.

You're gonna learn real quick.

If you hang out with me, we will always carry the burden of most things.

Financial is just one of them.

And so you'll buy the phone, you will get insurance, and the phone

will go wherever the child goes.

Now, here lies the problem.

What if the other parent gets the child a cell phone and now said,

child has two phones, and this to me is absurdity and you got too much

fucking money if you can do this.

You are not living a single typical parent life.

If you can go buy your kid a phone that they already have a phone, okay?

And you're also putting your ego ahead of your child because you've never stopped to

think about what it's like for this child to have to tell their peers, Hey, when I'm

on, with these people, this is my number.

And when I'm with these people, this is my communication.

This parent lets me have apps.

This parent doesn't let me have apps.

I can talk after eight here, but I can't talk after eight Here.

Keep track of my, custody agreement.

Would your friends.

Fuck that.

I'm not doing that to my kids.

Now.

Doesn't mean a high conflict parent won't do that to your kids.

And here's where I fall on this.

If another parent who you have absolutely no control over decides to get your

child a second cell phone, let 'em.

This is going to come down to your child and them the other

parent figuring this shit out.

Now you as the more like competent parent have figured out this cell

phone that I bought will go everywhere.

It will go to school, it will go to extracurriculars, it will go

to grandma's house, it will go to friend's houses, and oh yes, it will

go to my ex's house because that's where my child lives half the time.

And you're okay with it?

Do you like it?

No.

It makes you a little cringe.

You're a little like, ugh.

They're probably looking through the phone, but I can't control that.

I've done nothing wrong.

Therefore, the phone is just going to be with the child.

Wherever the child is is where the cell phone that I bought goes.

But your ex is like held to the, no, that phone is not touching a foot in my house.

And that phone stays at your house, and you will have a phone over here.

I'm telling you, if that's happened to you or will happen, there ain't shit

you can do about it other than tell your child, kiddo, I bought a phone.

That can go anywhere and everywhere.

Wherever you go, the cell phone can go.

I'm completely okay with it.

Going to school.

Extracurriculars.

Grandmas, aunties, friends, school dads.

I don't care.

Moms, I don't.

Wherever you go.

That's where that phone, it's your phone.

It goes, I bought it.

I supervise it, but it goes wherever you go.

For safety reasons, communication reasons, fun reasons too.

Let's just not, call this cell phone thing.

It's all like for safety and security.

It's for fun too.

Okay, let's, say that like the kid wants to have fun.

He wants to be on fucking apps.

He wants to play some Candy Crush.

Okay.

Some Minecraft.

That's okay, kiddo.

I agree.

The phone can go anywhere.

Now your other parent only wants their phone to be used at their house.

I can't tell that parent what to do at their house.

I can't, make them allow this cell phone to go over there.

That's something you and that parent are gonna have to figure out.

Gonna have to work it out.

I can't.

I can give you some tools and some advice, but I can't step over there and say, yeah,

this parent has to allow this cell phone.

Okay, now again, this is really hard and painful because you have

a child here in the middle going.

Well, I don't understand why I can't have a phone at both houses.

I don't understand why.

Why can't I just have one phone?

Well, this parent's paranoid.

That's why this parent obviously wants to track you at my house.

So therefore, they're thinking I'm doing it, so they're not allowing

my phone to go in your home.

I'm not, I don't give a shit.

Right?

Like one of you cares about tracking and the other one doesn't.

To me, I had the mindset when the kids are with him, he's competent.

He will take care of, I don't need to know where they're at, honestly, I don't

wanna fucking know where they're at.

But when the kids are with me, it was like, where are they at?

What are they doing?

Who are they with?

Who's there?

What does she smell like?

How many left turns does she made?

We're different.

Okay.

You usually have one paranoid parent and you have one parent that's like, I'm

just trying to fucking survive a Tuesday.

Okay, I'm here to survive a fucking Tuesday in this co-parenting journey.

But that high conflict, paranoid parent won't let your kid have one cell phone.

They want two, or they forbid the cell phone.

That's for that kid and that parent to work out.

I just have to stay over here and stay calm, stay cool, stay regulated,

give my kids some advice, give my kids some tools and say, kiddo, when

that parent comes around, or this is the phrase that I always said with my

kids, and this came from a therapist.

I tweaked it a little bit to make it authentic to me and my kids, but I always

said, kiddo, when you're taller and your voice gets louder, you will be heard.

I'll say it again, kiddo.

When you get taller and your voice gets louder, you will be heard.

And that's not me saying go start a fire kid and, bitch up

a storm to your other parent.

No, you're gonna get to a point where you will get taller,

meaning you will get older.

Didn't wanna say a number of age because every state is different and I don't know,

my 13-year-old boy, maybe a different maturity level than my 13-year-old girl.

I don't know, I'm not gonna say a number, but I'm gonna say when you get

taller, your voice will get louder, meaning you will be assertive, you

will say something, you will speak up.

And you'll be heard, and if not, you're gonna make a point to be heard.

I got to the point where I added that you'll make a point that you will be heard

because you will get to a certain height and a different, and a level of loudness

that you won't stop until you're heard.

Now every kid gets there at a different level.

Some kids get there at 11, some kids get there at 13.

Some kids get there at 20 fucking three.

I'm here for it.

I'm along with the ride.

It's not my job to speak for them, to that other parent.

It's not my job to go rescue them in this cell phone situation.

It's not, I can't, I have no clout at that house.

I have no control.

I can send a message that I think this is asinine and ludicrous and selfish and

ego talking and is only harming the child where they will read that and go, bitch,

that's the it that's the end of that story.

It's not gonna change.

They're not gonna read that and go, oh fuck Sam's right?

Shit.

I didn't even think about how this could be affecting the kid.

They knew full fucking well how this was gonna affect the kid.

They knew full well how that was gonna play out.

They didn't give a shit that your kid has two phones, two cell phones, two sets

of friends to have to tell everything.

They didn't care.

They cared that your phone didn't make their way into their house.

That they proved a point.

That's it.

That's all they cared about.

So this is happening to you or going to happen to you.

You have to preface when you get the kid's cell phone, Hey kiddo, I'm gonna

get you a cell phone and I just want you to know right from the beginning,

this cell phone can go anywhere you go.

Yes, that includes the other house.

turn off the locations while you're there.

I don't care.

I give up on that.

Like this is not the hill I'm dying on.

I got insurance if it's lost or stolen, I'm good.

When you're with that parent, I assume they have location

on you somehow, some way.

When they come back to me, I can turn that shit off if they put something on

that phone because I am the purchaser.

That's not a hill.

I'm gonna go dying on fighting a fight in a verbal lawyer, battle over a cell phone.

There's bigger things like I don't know your kid's mental state to worry about

on why do I have a parent that seems to be, yeah, the phone can go anywhere.

And then I have this other parent that's like, absolutely not blah, blah, blah.

Don't you think that's a little bit like fucked up for your kid to be like

diagnosing, like, what is going on here?

Why does one parent like Kumbaya and the other parent's like toxic and hateful

and rude and paranoid and crazy and resentful and just mean, I don't know.

This is where therapy jumps in, right?

But I'm telling you, this cell phone battle of splitting a

cell phone, no fucking way.

If they bought it or played a part in buying it, they will

use it as a toy to say, oh, yep.

Oh yeah, phone's gonna stay here.

Absolutely, nope.

If you wanna be on your phone, then you have to be here.

They'll use it as a weapon.

And I'm just gonna tell you, once your kids get a cell

phone, this is their lifeline.

When a high conflict parent holds the phone hostage, these kids will

do anything possible to get that cell phone back, including go stay extra.

Go stay longer, call you a bitch, call you an asshole.

They will do whatever the high conflict parent says to get said, cell phone back.

This is their lifeline.

I have two adult children who I went through this with.

They will do whatever to get that cell phone back.

A high conflict parent will try to hold it hostage and use it against them.

Well, you know I'd let you have this cell phone, but it has to stay here.

So if you want it, I'm gonna buy a phone next week, kiddo.

This phone can go wherever you go.

I don't give a shit.

I don't care.

It go wherever you go.

That whole holding it hostage.

Shit, that's ridiculous.

So the cell phone is only for the house when?

What?

They're gone.

They shouldn't be leaving you home alone yet Anyways.

So it's a toy.

I'm not buying it for a toy.

I'm buying it so you can have it on the bus.

Coming home from baseball, I'm buying it.

So when you get held up with tutoring and the tutor didn't show up, you

can call and I can come pick you up.

'cause I thought you were in tutoring and you're not.

You're sitting there by yourself.

I'll come pick you up.

That's why I'm getting you a cell phone so you feel safety and you can have a

little bit of fun during your downtime.

I think you gotta be open and honest before the cell phone gets bought.

I think you should be the first one to buy the cell phone.

I think you should talk to your kids exclusively about how you

are not the problem parent about the cell phone that you're gonna

track when they're at your house.

They can turn the tracking off when they go.

I'm showing my kids that.

Look right here.

Open this fucker up right here.

See this app right here, when you're at my house, it's on, when

you're at dad's house, turn it off.

I don't care.

I'm not fucking tracking you.

if the phone gets lost, the phone gets lost.

He's gonna put some kind of fucking tracking device on

you anyways when you're there.

Or he's gonna download an app anyways.

And when you get back to my house, we can turn it off if everybody wants to.

Here's the bottom line.

It's 2026 when this is being recorded.

If you're ex wants to know you're ever moving where you're

at, they're already doing it.

They're doing it without your permission.

Thinking that it's on a cell phone or a child's cell phone.

and a parents say this all the time, Sam, I don't want the other

parent to know what I'm doing.

What are you doing Stacy?

What are you doing that's so bad that you can't have your ex know?

What were you gonna titty bar at three o'clock in the afternoon with your kids?

No, probably not.

So what are we you're going to the grocery store.

If they're that psycho, they already know you're at the grocery store.

They already know Having this big, like heated moment over a

kid's cell phone and tracking.

To me when kids are teenagers, the more people that know where they're at

at all times, the better, the better.

'cause kids do stupid shit.

But it's not a hill I'm dying on.

I'm not dying on the hill of I have to have tracking.

I have to have this, I have to have that.

It's 2026, they can fucking smear a, fucking gel on the back of your bumper

and know everywhere your fucking car goes, they can slide something in

your car when you're not looking that they've known where your whereabouts

are for the past three years.

You don't know these things have a battery life for life.

I'm not trying to make you paranoid, but if they wanna know, they will.

Tracking your kid's cell phone is not the hill I'm dying on.

You know what hill I'm dying on.

My kid's mental health.

My kid's self-worth, my kid's ability to know who's a psycho.

My kid's ability to know high conflict.

My kid's ability to stand up to high conflict.

My kid's ability to have boundaries with peers.

My kid's ability to stand up for themselves in a classroom.

My ability for my kid to know body on autonomy.

Those are the hills I'm dying of.

Cell phone location, not my top 100.

It's just not.

And when you have severely high conflict situations, you will figure out that

is the least of your fucking worries.

Somebody knowing your whereabouts.

Good, awesome.

Good for you.

And you have to change your perspective if that's how they wanna live their life.

Watching your every move, being paranoid about where you're at, where you're going,

what's going on, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Let them think about that.

That's their life.

What's Sam doing?

What time did she get there?

When time did she get back?

where did she go?

How long did she go there?

How fast was the drive?

Blah, blah.

Get a fucking life.

But that's what some people wanna do.

I'm not gonna stop that.

I'm not gonna try to control that.

I'm just gonna talk to my kiddo about safety.

I want your location on when you're at school and sporting events.

When you're with your dad, turn it off.

I don't care.

Turn it off.

It is not, not the hill I'm dying on, but when you come back with me

and you leave on your own, turn it back on please, because I'd like

to know if you're at Stacey's house or Jimmy's house or Sarah's house.

So I know where you're at.

Keep tabs on you.

'cause you always forget to text me 'cause that's what you do.

You're a teenage boy and you forget to text.

So turn your location on.

But when you go with your dad, turn off if you want.

If that upsets him that much to where he's that angry with you, turn that shit off.

I'll show you how.

Okay?

Be the calm, regulated, fucking parent for your child.

Be the calm one.

Be the one that not the hill.

Not the hell I'm dying on.

I don't know why your other parent goes nuts about that.

I'm not.

I don't give a shit.

I just want you to have a phone so you can call me in an emergency.

' cause shit happens every day.

Right?

That's it.

I want you to have a calculator.

I want you to be able to play a game.

Right?

So there's a bunch of conversations we can have about these cell phones

I only touched on one or two here.

You really gotta think about the hills you're dying on and honestly

stop and ask yourself, how am I showing up for my child for this?

Am I showing up as a positive conversation as not the problem?

Or am I showing up as more burden for my child to cope and deal with and

write a book about when I'm older?

Right?

That's what we wanna avoid.

We wanna be avoiding being all the chapters of your child's book that

they write about their childhood.

Or the positive chapters we wanna strive for.

Not all these negative chapters of, oh, I was the kid with two cell phones.

Are you fucking kidding me?

Are you kidding me?

So figure out which parent you wanna be.

Figure out what hills you wanna die on and we can go from there.

But two cell phones is not it.