Hi s thanks for being here.

Hi,

I am so excited to have you on.

So know we'll get to your story, but a little background is, I was

scrolling on TikTok one day and you had a very interesting story

when it comes to weddings and being uninvited as a wedding guest.

And I know we're gonna get to that of who you are.

But starting off, can you just say a little bit about what

you do and then that'll kind of lead into this story as well.

My name's Salma Qaddourah.

I am an attorney here in Indianapolis.

I basically used to do a lot of divorce law.

I have tethered off.

I am very picky and choosy about much family law I will do at this point.

but that is primarily, I'm still in the attorney space.

I have just tried to migrate off that a little bit because it tends to, Spring

in the worst situations, if I may say

That makes a lot of sense.

I could see how it can, go that way, for sure.

I wanna just jump into this story because I feel like we were kind of

saying before recording is there's a lot of lessons in it and it's an

interesting viewpoint that I think a lot of people don't hear, right off the bat.

So let's just start with the story.

your poll on social media was about how you got uninvited as a wedding guest.

So let's just jump in.

Perfect.

So I had shared this story on my TikTok, but in my twenties

I had this very good friend.

Very, very good friend.

I had been really good friends with her since I was 23.

I met her at a book club.

And so basically, through the years, our big hobby was, during the winter

we would go to this gym that had this track and we would just take these

like two or three hour walks, and then in the summers and the springs,

we would walk and just basically talk about life, do these things.

And I thought we had a pretty solid friendship.

I felt really good about our friendship, like we did all our birthdays together

and we had a really strong foundation.

So ultimately when she would date these guys and she would tell me all

the stories and eventually she met the guy she would end up marrying.

And so when they started dating, It was just basic, I'm

not gonna share information.

Mm-hmm.

And so they had conversations about one, conversations you

should have with your partner.

You should ask your partner like, what do you think our dynamics are gonna be?

Or how do you see our dynamics like playing out kind of situation.

And so they had sort of decided that once they got married, they would have

more of a, I call it traditional, that's kind of how it's viewed in the media.

But she was a nurse and he had basically this self-employed startup healthcare

business that had done very well.

Hmm.

they had just sort of decided he would be like the breadwinner and she would

raise the children, which is fine.

And so when they got engaged, those conversations heightened.

And so during our walks we were talking about florals and she had sent out

save the dates, and I had received a save the date and we had talked about

She had not planned on doing a bridal party, but we had planned on doing

some sort of like intro, like who was gonna be at the sweetheart table.

I mean, I was helping this woman plan her wedding.

You were like, and so bridesmaid without the title kind of thing.

Correct.

And she wasn't gonna have a traditional bridal party.

So I didn't really care.

And I at this point we're kind of like in early twenties and a lot

of people at that point are maybe more willing to forfeit that.

Like I'm starting to see that trend more.

And so I'm just doing all this stuff and at some point I basically

just said, Hey, I was thinking about it very casual, it was not

like a serious lawyer conversation.

And I think because you have a nurse and you do super well and you have

your own money, if that is truly the plan, I think you should get a prenup.

And so she's like, really?

And I was like, yeah.

And so we have this very friendly exchange.

I kind of tell her These are some things I think you should ask for.

it wouldn't be that expensive.

Like I'm just kinda giving her the lay down and she's like super receptive to it.

Mm-hmm.

Was he expecting her and was once they got married for her to kind of stop

working and like was it his idea and his thing of being you're gonna quit your

job, I make too much money to quit mine.

Like more of a control thing you felt?

I think to me, had she been someone, I'd have other friends who, when they

get married, that is the plan for them.

That is what they want.

They want to be stay at home wives stay at home mothers for

like one reason or another.

Right.

And that is perfectly fine.

But their conversations were more like.

He said, I grew up in a household where my mom never worked after marriage, and she

would do X, Y, z. you know, the cooking, the cleaning, the housekeeping, like

telling

her what he's

responsible for.

he kind of laid it out and her brain, she liked being a nurse,

but she didn't love being a nurse.

So she thought, okay, this is gonna be a fair trade off.

when she presented this idea of a prenup to this man, he just

kind of lost his little mind.

it became very much of a, divorce is not an option for us.

We would never get divorced.

I would never let you divorce me.

This is just never gonna be.

I think some people can romanticize those kinds of statements.

But I don't find them romantic because I think to me it's healthier

to say, I hope we never end up in a situation where we have to part ways.

I hope that is never in the cards for us, and I'm not going into this

marriage with any intention of that happening, but if it does, and so he

reacted poorly, but I was more offended because it didn't even become like a,

I can't believe you would want this.

also became a, well, your friend Selma is a nightmare and I can't believe

your friend Selma would say that.

And just because Selma's single doesn't mean she needs to ruin our relationship.

And he just started saying things to her that were so hurtful.

And I'm not saying I expected her to like leave this man or whatever, but.

I would never be with someone who is so comfortable, disrespecting my friends.

Mm-hmm.

So it was weird.

He tried to turn it to like a look how happy we are and Salma just wants that.

So she's trying to tell you to do this thing that's being the prenup,

which show that we are very insecure in our Like basically very shortly

after this I think to me the worst part of it was that she drank the Koi.

I had known her for, I six years by that point.

Like there's obviously like our past criteria, she was just never

someone I thought would do this.

basically very shortly after this, she started to be busy.

She started to not make our weekly Sunday walks.

it's okay to be busy, But like, wait, I mean you, the connection

there,

you know, when you're getting ghosted at some point.

Mm-hmm.

And I just started to see less and less of her.

And like I would send her a couple texts over the week and not hear back

and then be like, everything okay?

And she'd be like, yeah, everything's fine.

And then we have a mutual friend, because that was also in the

book club that I met her at.

And she basically is texting me about logistics for this wedding.

And I realized I never got the, you know, after the save the date and after

everything you get the official like rsvp

Yeah.

Situation.

I had never gotten that.

And I was like, oh, for real.

And I realized she had privated me on her Instagram story, so I didn't see

any of the things she was doing, but she never came out and said like,

I can't be your friend anymore.

Or there was never like that honest conversation.

Right.

Communication.

Yeah.

Like

it was also weird because normally with friend breakups, like you

know, you have been dumped,

mm-hmm.

There is an event or a conversation.

This was more just, I was trying to back off because I thought she was

just really stressed with the wedding and with everything going on, and it

was like, oh no, she's intentionally trying to not be my friend anymore

and not invite me to this wedding.

obviously later I would learn more.

But Then the wedding happened and our mutual friend was flabbergasted

because our mutual friend was not as close to this girl as I was.

Yeah.

So the fact that she was invited and I wasn't was like, oh,

that's wild.

And especially like you were there so much in the beginning to help her with

everything you would think like just having a conversation it makes me wonder

like what kind of things he said about you to her, to manipulate her brain of being

like, oh yeah, she's not a good friend.

A good friend wouldn't suggest a prenup because that means she doesn't

think we're gonna last, or, you know, whatever That was that he's saying that

controlling language of, that's wild.

I mean it sounds like the guy, he just wanted her to listen to

everything he had to say and didn't want anyone in there empowering her

to maybe go her own way a little bit.

Especially after I found out that I was not invited to this

wedding, like the wedding happened, I was never brought into it.

between the the slow ghosting, you know how people quiet quit their jobs?

I kind of felt like she was quiet, quitting our friendship.

it was just weird.

And so I just didn't try.

I thought, you know what?

If this is kind of how she sees me as a friend, or this is where I stand

with her, there's just no point.

so this happened in my late twenties, obviously COVID made me feel like my were

so long ago because COVID made everything feel much longer like that time period.

so 20, 25 last year, I basically got this text message from her.

And I obviously don't delete people's phone numbers off my phone.

I know some people have different policies, but I see that and I'm

like, I have not talked to this person in now six years ish.

Like it was a long time.

Yeah.

And so I get that text message and I'm like, nothing could be good.

she is not reaching out to me because something good is going on in her life.

Mm-hmm.

she's like, can we get on a call?

I if you're too busy, no problem, blah, blah, blah.

I was like, no, we can get on a call.

I was nosy.

I wanted to know what she was like.

Like

I need to know.

Yes.

Gimme the tea.

From a purely like maybe selfish perspective, I kind of had to know because

I had to take a lot for her to get there.

Mm-hmm.

That's what I was thinking.

To have ghosted someone knowing you were in the wrong when you did that

you've never communicated, to then have to like put your tail between your

legs and be like, Hey, can we talk?

I felt validated that she knew that there was a possibility that

I would still leave that door open.

that made me feel like kind of good about what I put out there.

But then at the same time, I obviously was a little guarded when she called.

And so during that phone call I find out that the marriage has been good.

They have had these two children at this point.

She has tried her very best to do anything and everything to try to

stay in the marriage because her parents were still together, her

siblings were still with their spouses.

Like she came from something where I think there was like the shame And so at that

point, the divorce had not been filed She just wanted to know what her options

were from a purely legal standpoint.

I think what troubled me the most is I'm trying to have basic conversations

with her about, okay, what are roughly the expenses of the household?

Do you know what roughly he brings in salary wise?

And the inability to answer any of those questions with any sort of

certainty was really disheartening.

how did we end up here where you don't have any control of the finances and you

don't actually know all the user's names and passwords on all of the accounts,

and you are now put in a position that it is hard to protect what you don't know.

ultimately in that situation, I told her, look, why do you think

that this is leading to divorce?

And she just said his behavior I wanna keep trying, but I

don't feel good about it.

Ultimately he was the one who filed for divorce against her

wild.

The guy that doesn't believe in divorce or were never getting a divorce.

Mm-hmm.

he filed for divorce to not be married to her anymore.

And so those proceedings were very tough because he was self-employed.

So there's no W2 employer that you can call.

he had done a really good job of moving money around, putting money in family

members' names the divorce process was just kind of a nightmare because she

just didn't have any real good grip.

And I know people think it's crazy that I helped her, but

honestly, at some point you start to feel really sorry for somebody.

I'm not saying what she did to me was okay, but I also recognize

that, she unfortunately had to learn that lesson the hard way.

I just kind of went ahead and started to share that story because, you see

all the little trends going on in social media and everybody's like, he, he ha

ha I am marrying this man who is gonna be my provider and take care of me,

and I don't need to know how to pay the mortgage and I hate that trend.

Yes.

It hurts me.

we're like casual now.

Me and her, like acquaintances at this point, after I helped her, our friendship

was never gonna be where it was.

There were different ways that she could have handled that falling out.

And, I act really tough and vague, but was I very hurt when I'm looking at

these Instagram videos of my mutual friend and she's at this wedding and

mm-hmm.

I think I'm gonna be part of this and I'm not, because I said did something

I think was seemingly innocent.

and it shows that your gut instincts about this guy were right.

And it's like, and even if they were still happily married, that's

you looking out for your friend.

Like, I don't get taking that so personally that oh my God, this

friend wants us to break up.

That's a friend that's looking out and, trying to help like protect.

Did she say on the phone ever, like, after this call, any apology or sorry,

I know things are weird between us, or did she say anything that made her

seem that she was apologetic at all?

Oh, absolutely.

Yeah.

mean, I felt sorry for her, the only reason I was so willing to walk

her through it and try to help her and try to put her in a position

where she wasn't getting completely railroaded was because she kind of

led with, how embarrassing is this?

Like I am so, so sorry.

And she goes, I understand this apology doesn't seem authentic

because I need something now.

but I am truly, truly, and I believe she's sorry.

And to me I needed just some accountability.

I don't think had she not apologized, I would have been willing to help her.

Mm-hmm.

Just because to me, if you don't see with how what you did to me was like

not super messed up and I don't know how to help you or I don't want to

help you, but she was very apologetic.

She just said, I know that this isn't a good.

But at the time, I so badly wanted to end up with him and I wanted him to feel like

I respected and listened to his opinion.

unfortunately for her too, I think during the marriage he played this card a lot.

So I think she got out of that marriage and realized her entire village had been

turned to the ground for the most part.

Mm-hmm.

So that is a very hard place to be, but I think a good place to start

if this isn't the my first rodeo.

I've seen this before where it hasn't personally impacted me, but

I've seen in other people's circles.

And I think the best thing you can do if you end up on the other side of it

is just be accountable and make amends.

And some people are not gonna be interested in being

your friend, rightfully so.

But I also think, to me, like helping her was not a true friendship act.

It was more just say, honoring what we had for a very short period of

time, six years, but like Right.

Honoring our friendship when it existed in the form that it existed.

she's still trying to pick up her situation, but I do think that she's a

good cautionary tale because I do think people sometimes get swept up in these

romantic relationships and then make decisions so that when they finally

get married, they look around and they realize it's just thumb in this man.

Yeah.

And I feel like we could go so many directions with this conversation, but you

brought up a good point about that kind of trend of being like, I don't know what my

husband makes, I don't know the finances, I just kind of go spend what I want.

Or maybe you hear about that, the, the financial control too,

where it's like they're allotted a couple, a hundred bucks a month or

a week or whatever that looks like.

But people don't even think about outside of, splitting up whatever.

What if your husband passed away?

What if something like that happens?

I've seen stories like that happen recently, where the wives

or the woman does not know how to log into a bank account.

They don't know what money they were making.

They don't know what different accounts they have.

so financial control can hurt in so many ways.

and I've seen so many trending stories now where women come

on later and they're like.

Yeah, my husband of 20 years was having an affair and he made all the money

and I have nothing to show for because he wanted me to be a stay at home mom.

again, this is nothing against stay at home moms.

If that's your passion and that's something that you've wanted to do,

your choice, no one anyone else's, that's great and I fully support it.

But even being a stay at home mom, you need to be know about finances.

You need to be.

50 50. He and this could probably come from a financial advisor, but I think that

they should be paying you, they should be paying you for what you're doing, whether

that's a weekly paycheck or a monthly paycheck and actually write you out.

I feel like Tori Dunlap, who I had on the podcast was talking about

that too, on something, but you are technically like allotted the same money.

And so if he's controlling everything, and especially this guy sounds like

he knew it was coming, so he's like, I'm gonna hide where money is going.

So she can't see it and she can't take any of it.

Then he's more still looking at you as a housekeeper.

he's not really looking at you as a partner.

so that's something I'm so passionate about too.

I'm like, women need to be involved in the finances or the stay-at-home

parent needs to be involved in finances just as much as the working

or the out of house, partner because.

Anything can happen, any life altering thing can happen, whether

that's divorce, death, an accident.

you never know what that is.

I even heard a story that was on the podcast where, a couple they never

legally married and the, I think his mom was living with them and he got in

a car accident or a motorcycle accident.

So he was in a coma and the mom went and said, well, they're not legally married.

She has no right to see him like blocked him out.

So there's things like that where they never thought that would happen.

So of course, as soon as he was back to himself and she was like,

we're getting married, like this is gonna be on paper, it's legal.

so there's all those things that people just don't think about.

And so I feel like this is something that people should really, you

know, look at ahead of time.

So what would you recommend someone listening, like let's say they're in a

similar situation, like your friend pre.

Maybe they are engaged right now and she plans to be a stay at home mom or,

what would you say about looking into a prenup or questions to ask yourself?

before kind of getting to that point.

It always tell everybody you need a prenup.

I don't care if you're just starting out.

I don't care if you don't have, if you feel like you don't have a lot of assets.

Because I think a couple of the things that I'm seeing the most

more recently is sports betting has basically exploded, right?

Mm-hmm.

You see very well positioned, smart, educated men who get trapped

in the sports betting and these kinds of different things and they

basically take all the assets.

They keep betting thinking, I can just win it back.

I can just win it back.

And so I have seen that kind of situation.

I've seen lots of people where one person is financially like illiterate

and ends up putting all this debt on credit cards and then they're both

held accountable if they get divorced.

So I always tell people when you, especially if you're gonna be a

stay at home mom, I do think that there is a little bit of a risk

there and people hate when I say that, but it is just a fact of life.

There is a little bit of a risk there where I always tell people,

like when you're going in, the prenup doesn't have to be fancy.

It just has to basically say I'm not gonna be responsible for any of your debt.

Especially debt that is accumulated in a way that is dissipating the assets.

Like you have a shopping problem, you bet all our money away.

That way if something happens after you're married, you're not

on the hook for your partners bad decisions if you need to divorce 'em.

I also tell them you need a brokerage account or Basically a retirement

account as well, if you can post it.

So just agree, I'm gonna put in a thousand dollars into this brokerage

account a month for you, depending on how much your partner makes.

Mm.

And that way you have money that is growing in the background that you don't

see, you don't hear about, you don't talk about outside of making trades.

Right.

And then I have seen people build in I'm not gonna call it a little

allowance because I hate that word.

Mm-hmm.

But it is basically a salary that it is a bank account where the woman or the man

if, if we're doing the reverse, if this is like a stay at home dad situation,

they can reverse it so that there is a certain percentage of the paycheck

that gets put in the separate account.

And it is her do not ask, do not tell account where she can spend that money.

And it is like, if there's something she's had her eye on and she wants to buy it

and he just thinks it's like a ridiculous purchase, this is her money to kind of do.

whatever he wants to do with.

And I think it's like a lot of people take that money and they don't touch it.

but it's not supposed to be an account where the kids' stuff gets

taken out of it or the household expenses get taken out of.

So there are just so many things you can put a prenup to just

protect yourself financially in a way that, especially if you're

marrying someone who's self-employed.

I don't know.

I think I probably have PTSD because I had a really complicated

case in my twenties with somebody whose husband was a, self-employed

and she had absolutely no money.

And watching the way that that played out through the court system just

like broke my little heart because we threw everything we had at it.

But it was just a very complicated situation because everyone's like, well,

I'll just go hire a forensic accountant.

And I'm like, with what money?

Who's gonna pay the $500 an hour for the forensic accountant

that you're talking about?

And so I just always tell people like, there are very basic things you can

do, and it doesn't have to be this expensive or lengthy process, you know,

if you never get divorced and you live happily ever after and neither of you

die anytime soon or get incapacitated, you don't have to ever use it.

mm-hmm.

And with stay at home moms, especially like a prenup is not just if you

get divorced, some, the rules of the prenup can apply during the marriage.

So you write it out to apply during the marriage.

So you are basically getting all of the financial benefits while you're

married so that you don't have to wait for an event to happen to start

getting those financial benefits.

Yeah.

I love it.

it's like planning through everything because.

I feel like it had this negative connotation where it's like, oh, okay,

that means you're gonna split up.

But it's planning and it's prepping.

And like you said, no one goes into a marriage thinking,

oh, we're gonna get divorced.

Oh this is gonna happen.

it's just planning for it.

And I think so many people just go in trusting the man maybe,

or whoever they're gonna marry.

like in this situation it's I very controlling of I'm gonna control all this.

You're gonna cook, clean, whatever.

so I think this is a really important conversation because even if

ultimately that's what you want to do, I think you have to be like, okay,

how's this gonna work best for us?

and I think you made a good point too about, putting in there

about like not paying debts.

' cause there was a story I read, I feel like it was on the podcast now,

I can't remember, but where she didn't know until after they got married

that he had like $40,000 of debt.

From gambling and he was basically like, well, yours is mine and I

need you to help me pay it off.

And so, you hear those stories and it's like, again, people always

say, it's not gonna happen to me.

They don't think it's gonna happen to them, but it does.

and so just like planning for that, we're seeing a lot of women open up

about going through a divorce where they least expected it and they

were at home for the last 25 years.

so that's great advice.

Great advice.

just a quick side story.

So I'm literally at my apartment and I have my door half open because

I am moving groceries in and out.

And this woman who has just moved into my building, she's in her

mid sixties and she's not the demographic for who lives in this.

This high rise that I live in, right?

this is not who normally moves in.

It's mainly young professionals.

Yeah.

And so she kind of pokes her head in and she's like, hi.

She's being really nice and I'm like, hi.

what are you doing?

I'm trying to, and she just starts spilling on me, on me.

And she's like, yeah, I just got settled into my apartment.

I'm trying to get used to like moving from a five bedroom house

to a, one bedroom apartment.

And you my daughter just came to visit me and she was baffled

and I was like, oh really?

Like, I could tell she just needed to talk to someone and I was

just standing there like, okay.

But she was basically, literally in that 10 minutes we were out in the hallway.

She's telling me about how she had been married since she was 21.

She is now in her mid sixties.

They had three children together.

She never worked, did everything for this household.

She.

Did everything.

She thought she was the perfect mom, the perfect parent, the perfect wife.

She would tell me all these like things where she was literally

giving her kids all this advice about how to be a good partner.

And then her husband very, very suddenly just tells her like, I just fell out

of love with you a long time ago.

And I was trying to stay for the kids and I don't wanna stay for the kids anymore.

And I know how selfish that is.

And despite the fact of him saying how selfish she was, he was

willing to duke it out in court.

that's just a bad way to go out when you think this is

gonna be your forever person.

And so I just think, I see people all the time and nobody gets married thinking.

Oh, we're gonna get divorced.

Mm-hmm.

Right.

My husband's gonna suddenly pass away.

nobody goes into it thinking that.

So I think that it should just not be taboo.

we need to get away from this idea that a prenups indicates anything about

your marriage or your future marriage.

And we need to start, especially women, I hate to say it, I'm not saying it,

that men don't also get raw deals.

I'm just saying that the majority of the cases where I have seen divorces go wrong,

it is always the woman who gets smacked.

Yes.

and I think we're seeing more from that older generation kind

of coming out and realizing it.

Because also in that generation it was more, typical to either get married

before college, find your partner in college, get married right away,

Job after college, get married, have kids, and become a stay at home mom.

That was way more common, I think my parents' generation,

the generation before that.

And so I think now that generation, a lot of them are realizing either oh,

I didn't really get to do the things I wanted to do, or I don't really

have, like, something that was mine.

You Like obviously they had kids and they raised kids and I'm

not downplaying that at all.

I'm a mom myself it's very hard work, but I just feel like a lot of them,

because I've talked to similar people, like you said, have your neighbor,

similar people in my neighborhood.

And it wasn't until like, one is a lady in her eighties in my neighborhood, and it

wasn't until her husband passed away that she started coming out on walks and like

meeting other people in the neighborhood.

And now she's literally like this social butterfly.

She was like, I didn't know anybody before he died.

And I was like, oh, Why?

And then she was like, and he left me all these papers to deal with.

I didn't know how to go through his stuff.

she didn't know any of their account, any of this stuff.

And a similar situation when I started seeing her out on walks, like we would

just talk for like an hour because she was just wanted to talk to somebody

now everybody knows who she is.

And I feel like that was kind of the generation of you just get married,

you stay home with the kids and while the partner or the dad gets

to go out and kind of do his thing.

So I think women now are learning to take a little bit more control,

hopefully and learning from stories like the ones you shared, because it's

never too late to kinda like take back that control and even if it's something

small, but just finding some way to kind of like own it, I would say.

And if anybody's listening, you can still get a postnuptial agreement in

most states, so just look into it.

It's not too late.

There you go.

I love it.

Okay, let's do a little, red light, green light.

These are just little suggestions.

And then based on what it is, let me know if you think it's

a red light or green light.

Okay.

Paying a large deposit in cash or via Venmo with no paper trail,

red light,

verbal agreements with vendors you trust.

Red light

hosting a backyard wedding without event insurance.

Red light,

allowing guests to bring their own alcohol,

Red light,

tagging vendors while complaining about them.

red light

recording conversations without consent.

red light

using a generic online prenup, template

red light.

I didn't know that was a thing.

assuming the venue is responsible for all guest safety,

red light.

Okay.

Let's get into this story.

This is from one of the followers I've not read yet, so here we go.

Hi.

First off, I love your videos.

I'll start with a bit of a backstory so things are easier to understand.

I'm from Scotland and my now husband is from England.

We met online nine years ago.

lived in Scotland with me for eight years, we've been married for two years.

We have a 13-year-old son, my son from a previous relationship

and a 6-year-old daughter.

On my side of the family.

I have a lot of extended relatives, but my immediate family is just my mom, my

brother, my half sister from my dad.

My dad passed away shortly after my sister was born when I was 12.

I'm like getting this family tree like in my head.

My husband's parents are divorced.

He has an older brother who's married and a younger sister who's married.

Neither of them has kids.

His sister lives in Dubai for work and has done so since our daughter was born.

Neither siblings has a close relationship with my husband and

they don't really know our kids.

Okay.

There's the backstory.

My husband had cancer as a child, and then again the year before we got married.

He beat cancer both times after extremely hard battles with treatment chemo.

The second time, he had to go to appointments alone due to COVID

restrictions at the hospital, so I couldn't be there with

him after he got all cleared.

Just a year before our wedding, he of course called his mom

and dad to share the good news.

He also told his mom he would phone his sister the next day

as the time difference met.

It was 11:00 PM in Dubai, and since she's a teacher, he

assumed that she would be asleep.

His mom told her friend who told her daughter, who then texted his

sister saying it was great news that my husband had the all clear.

So his sister ended up finding out via friend's text message,

no big deal or so we thought.

So then she called my husband in floods of tears saying she was devastated

that he didn't call her personally.

explained that he had fully intended to call the next day.

She guilt tripped him, saying how hard it was for her to go through this again

after watching him battle cancer as a child for context, during the six months

he was undergoing treatment, she only called once to ask how he was doing.

Another time she called her mom while she was visiting us, and asked on speaker

phone asked on speaker phone, whether he put on a lot of weight due to steroids.

I heard the entire conversation.

She also lied about how she found out.

he was all in the clear claiming it was her husband who saw it

on their dad's Facebook page.

That wasn't true.

Their dad doesn't even have her husband on Facebook, he only posted

about it after the phone call.

We still have no idea why she lied.

That's odd.

Their mom simply said their daughter was just upset because

she hadn't been called first.

That's a bit of the background for the wedding drama that fall.

Okay, now we're into the wedding drama.

Okay.

I love when they give like extra details though.

'cause I'm like, always have so many questions.

what's the background to this disagreement?

All

right.

Our wedding was planned at a Scottish castle near the Scotland, England border.

That sounds amazing.

So everyone attended would need to travel because of this.

Most guests booked hotels as the castle had limited rooms.

We offered these rooms to close family first, including both of my

husband's siblings, both declined.

His brother said he'd get a hotel in a nearby village.

His sister said that since it was a year before the wedding, she wasn't

sure she would be able to attend due to work, which we understood.

His mom decided to take one of the rooms and talked often about

wanting to spend time with our kids since she doesn't see them much.

She mentioned wishing she could babysit them the way her kids

babysits her own grandkids.

because of this, we asked if she'd like to have the kids stay in her

room on the night of the wedding so she could spend extra time with them.

She was thrilled.

We booked her a room with an extra bed so the kids could stay with her.

At the time our son was 10 and our daughter was four.

Our son is autistic and he doesn't cope well.

With too much change, this becomes relevant later.

She's great with all the details.

as time went on, we started to finalize menus and food choices for our vendors.

We called his sister to confirm her menu selections and double check that

her husband wouldn't be joining us as he couldn't get the time off work.

During that call, my husband asked whether she booked her flights and

accommodations yet since we were now just over a month away from the wedding.

She snapped at him saying she couldn't deal with it herself

didn't need him checking in on her.

She then said, you should be more effing grateful.

I'm coming to your wedding.

Jeez.

Oh gosh.

Okay.

I'm glad we got that backstory.

'cause now I can like picture the dynamic.

at that point, my husband simply said goodbye and ended the call.

A week later, his mom was on the phone with him discussing wedding plans,

and mentioned how stressed his sister was about traveling for the wedding.

We reminded her that we'd always told his sister, we completely understood

if she couldn't make it due to distance costs or work, they're probably like,

please just don't come at this point.

Basically,

yeah, save us the drama.

His mom then casually said, money wasn't the issue because his aunt was

paying for his sister's plane ticket as part of a wedding gift to us.

Okay.

So that my husband could have his sister at his big day.

That does not feel like a wedding gift to the couple.

No.

I was like, that's very odd.

It's extremely odd.

I know.

I'd be like pay for the couple's room or their flight.

his aunt couldn't attend herself as she lives in Australia

and had work commitments.

Then his mom added that.

she'd been thinking his sister could just squeeze into her room with the kids.

So we said no, we didn't think that was a good idea.

A the room was for three people.

There was one double bed that his mom and our daughter were going to

share and a single bed for our son.

Our kids don't really know his sister very well, and our son

would be uncomfortable sharing a room with someone he doesn't know.

Well, this went back and forth for a few days.

His sister was crying on the phone to their mom saying it was unfair and nasty

for us to say She doesn't know the kids.

Didn't they already offer the room?

And she said, no.

Yes.

I don't understand.

I'm getting anxiety for these people

I know like.

I always feel bad for the couple, having to deal with this kind

of drama before their wedding.

they should be excited counting it on the days and this would make me not

want it to happen because you're gonna have to deal with someone like this.

I just would want let that person to not come.

Yeah.

Be like, can you not pay for her to come?

Please Make that our gift.

Just don't pay.

His mom kept asking for her to be squeezed in.

Eventually we made the decision to ask my mom if she could have the kids the

night of the wedding instead, since it seemed like his sister was going

to try to stay in that room anyway, so we told his mom she could have her

daughter stay in the room with her, but the kids would be in a different room.

She was upset, but said, okay, fast forward past a few other bits and

pieces and it's now the wedding day.

Everything goes well and it seems like everyone's having a good time.

In Scotland, we have a tradition of ending parties, especially weddings,

with a song, a dance called.

I might pronounce this wrong.

Lock Lamond.

Lamond Lomond.

My husband had told his family he was so excited to include them in

this tradition and that it would be the final song of the night.

The song before that, don't look back in anger as he's from Manchester.

The DJ announced it was time for the final two songs and asked

everyone to come to the dance floor.

We were gathering everyone.

When we saw his sister and mom heading upstairs.

My husband went over and said, Where are you going?

Quick, it's time for the last dances.

His sister said she was tired from traveling and needed to go to bed

since their mom was driving them.

She needed to sleep too.

It was roughly 11:45 PM My husband said, come on mom.

I told you this was important to me.

Just two more songs.

His sister Huffed and stormed upstairs.

I'm like, seen this as like a toddler like, she's a grown adult.

It

doesn't sound like a grown adult.

No.

what is this?

His mom reluctantly came back to the dance floor, we danced, said

good night to everyone and headed to bed the next morning at breakfast.

Everyone was sitting quietly talking about the night before

and laughing about sore heads.

Then my sister-in-law came into the breakfast hall and said to their

mom, come on, we need to leave now?

Or we'll be late.

I need to get to the airport.

My mother-in-law got up halfway through breakfast, went

upstairs to get her things.

So now she can't even enjoy the wedding 'cause the sister has to go.

my husband and I went out to the reception area and said goodbye.

His sister was at the car crying.

His mom coldly said, goodbye Mr. Lafferty.

Have a nice life.

Wait, what?

My husband took my last name.

So she said it like in a rude way.

Ooh, that's awesome.

Her husband took her last name.

That's cool.

Goodbye.

Mr. Lafferty.

Have a nice life.

What did they do to the mom?

That's so weird.

Oh no.

That is very

strange.

he said, what?

What does that mean?

Am I not going to see you?

She scuffed and walked off.

Two seconds later, she came running back in because she had

forgotten the bouquet of flowers we'd given her the night before.

She went upstairs to get them on her way back down.

My husband asked, what's wrong with her?

Why is she crying?

His mom replied in a nasty tone, oh, work it out for yourself.

What is going on with this family?

That completely dampened our wedding week.

My husband was devastated.

He wouldn't look at videos or his phone or photos.

didn't want to read the cards.

He just wanted to understand why they acted that way.

now they're making it about themselves like they can't even

enjoy this moment because mom and sister are having a freak breakout.

I don't even know.

I hate that for her.

Yeah.

that's like a bad way to start your marriage or your wedding.

Mm-hmm.

your memories are gonna be all about how they acted on this day.

They had to make it about themselves, every little thing the sister had a

complaint about, she would've made it so much better if she just didn't come.

A week later.

He called his mom his first call since the wedding.

She said the reason his sister was so upset was because he didn't make her

feel special enough at the wedding.

What was he supposed to have a sister brother dance?

Like?

I have no idea that, that's so cringe.

Yeah, girl.

you can't let your brother have his day with his wife.

It just kinda gives me the ick too.

It's like, why are you so obsessed with your brother and you don't

like him giving women attention?

Like

That's just really, really strange to me.

Yes.

there's like a jealousy or insecurity that he's spending

time with his wife and not you.

I just read a similar story like this where the sisters demanded to be in the

brother's wedding and they're like, we're actually not having people in our wedding.

We're gonna have each have one person.

And they showed up in these matching bridesmaid style dresses and they had the

DJ announce them because they couldn't stand not being a part of the wedding.

And I'm just like, I cannot imagine being so self-important

at someone else's wedding.

Honestly.

That's really embarrassing too.

Yes.

To just like take that upon yourself like, gosh.

Also what DJ is gonna be like, oh yeah, I'll add that into the announcement.

I'd be like, I did not get that from the bride and groom, so

no, I will not be announcing.

Absolutely.

So

weird.

okay, so she said, bearing in mind A, it wasn't her wedding B, she had had

her own wedding four years earlier.

So was married and had her own day.

C she's a 30-year-old woman, not a child.

'cause yeah, I keep picturing like four or 5-year-old, like stomping up the stairs.

Apparently she couldn't understand why she didn't get a special

mention or role in our wedding.

My brother walked me down the aisle and made a speech because

he was standing in for our dad.

my sister was a junior bridesmaid.

We didn't even know if his sister would be attending until about three months

before the wedding, at her wedding.

Neither my husband nor I had any special role.

I wasn't a bridesmaid and he wasn't a groomsman, so why?

Even more so.

Why is she expecting?

My God, it's wild.

In my husband's speech, he thanked everyone for traveling.

He didn't single anyone out.

He thanked his mom and dad and my mom and that was it.

then his mom said his sister was upset about her seating arrangement.

She claimed she was seated at a table with no one she knew.

In reality, we seated her next to a lifelong family, friend and neighbor.

All our tables were mixed family groups.

mom then claimed his sister didn't know his friend very well.

Even though during photos when the photographer said, okay, all the groom's

family, sister shouted for this friend to join the photo because she's family.

So ridiculous.

some people will just find anything to complain about.

even when I've gone to weddings where I'm set at a table where I don't

really know anyone, you're there for such a short amount of time.

Grab a drink, eat your food, and make conversation I'm such an like,

hang out.

Yeah.

It's not that hard.

I'm an introvert and can make myself do it.

And then you're on the dance floor and you can see your family and friends.

I just don't get, when people make someone else's wedding about

themselves, such odd behavior.

This sort of took it like a step too far.

Yeah.

then the crying off on the side.

And constantly like having people ask oh, what's wrong with them?

Not saying anything until months later when the mom has to speak for you.

they're nicer than I am.

I would've been saying some stuff, like, it would not have been

just like a, oh, what did we do?

It would've been like, uh, you got to go.

Yeah.

You are killing the vibe right now.

Can you please just go to your room?

You're gonna act like a toddler.

Go.

during that phone call, his mom kept repeating how incredibly

hurt and upset his sister was.

My husband said, well, I'm upset too.

It was my wedding day and you've both tried to make it about her.

His mom replied, well, she's really upset.

Like, I just hear it.

The story has changed at least 10 times since.

First it was that she didn't feel special, then it was that she was worried about

missing her flight because of traffic.

And then it was that she was tired from traveling and then it

was that she wasn't upset at all.

The story has changed so much that honestly I feel crazy sometimes.

And this is only a snippet of their behavior over the years.

Thanks for the videos you shared.

They really helped me feel not so crazy knowing other people deal

with complicated family drama too.

Oh my gosh.

So now they have to deal with those people, their marriage like, and

that I feel like pulls people apart.

if they don't actually set their intentions of okay, it's us versus

everybody else, I think that's where it can get complicated.

'cause you'll see like the husband get pulled in a lot of the stories like,

oh, well your wife said this to me.

Or you hear stories like that happen all the time, but the fact that

they're changing their story, I think they just wanna feel like the victim.

I think that's like a problem though.

'cause I feel like that's not gonna stop.

every year it's gonna be something.

It's gonna be, quite honestly, I think the bride is being very

gracious by trying to be like patient and let her husband handle it.

Yeah.

But I just think that would get old very fast.

everything,

just like laced the boundaries.

Yes.

Everything I would feel like a chore.

It'd be like, okay, are we gonna get together for Thanksgiving or something?

sister's gonna be like, well, I don't know.

like the back and forth.

Well, does anyone want me there?

You know?

And that's just like exhausting to be around someone like that.

So I feel like the only way is to have really limited contact, which I think

it sounds like they don't all live close by each other, so maybe it is limited.

And then just not dealing with the mom's like victim.

Talk about the sister.

Because I think that's why the sister learns to behave that way

because the mom puts up with it and is like, oh, your sister.

And then she's like, oh yeah, I am the victim.

I think that's like a lot of enabling, I don't know.

Mm-hmm.

I just feel like weddings where you're like, people spend so much time and

money and energy into having that one day and then for people to just not

be able to get it together for such a short period of time drives me crazy.

'cause I'm like

Who knew his sister was gonna be like enemy number one

while this is all going on.

I just think that's hard, especially based on everything she shared with us.

It doesn't really seem like I could maybe understand if at her wedding four years

ago they did something unforgivable and ruined her wedding or something and now

this was like a revenge plot of some sort.

But it just kind of sounds like this other woman is very entitled and

so I don't know how you fix that.

I feel like it's too far, too gone because what are they saying?

started after, the sister not getting the call right.

About his cancer, but they said even while he had cancer, she

called once to ask how he was doing.

again, it's like that, woe is me kind of attitude of like, even if she had

been the first person to call, right?

When he got the news, she would've found some reason.

Oh, I wasn't at the meeting, I was at the appointment.

whatever.

' cause there's just some people that are gonna, want to feel like the victim.

do well with those people.

Yeah.

You like you said, strict boundaries with those kind of people.

'cause they're like the gray cloud in a room because there's always

something you can always tell when they're gonna complain about something

or, make something about that.

So.

I am sorry.

I hope you guys are at least on the same page, this bride that sent this in.

I feel like as long as you and your partner are on the same page

about boundaries and what you will and will not stand for, I

think that will make it easier.

and limited, contact for sure.

okay.

I like to end these episodes with confessions that

people send me on Instagram.

so this week we asked anything you want to get off your chest vent, rant, or

share something that happened recently.

This person said, I never want to be a bridesmaid again.

think a lot of us probably feel that way.

it's a lot of work.

I feel like I got all my bridesmaid time out before I got married myself.

Like I haven't been a bridesmaid since I was married, but I

didn't like nine or 10 times and.

It was a lot.

It's a lot in your twenties and thirties and it's like a full-time

job if you're like an active one, you don't have to be, but I got lucky.

I've heard obviously terrible bridezilla stories where they expect you to spend

so much money and you should revolve around them, and the world stops

when, they're getting married and it's just like, I can understand that.

that'd be hard.

okay.

This person says, I'm so angry that I have zero relationship with my

older brother since our parents died.

I think that happens to a lot of siblings because I think a lot of

times it's like the parents are what holds them together maybe.

And if it was already kind of like struggling, but yeah.

that's really sad.

I wish I'd spent more time to plan something a bit

more special for my wedding.

okay.

This is a three part, one mother-in-law and I are hosting a gender reveal

for brother-in-law and wife.

Wife keeps making expensive last minute changes instead

of trusting the mother-in-law.

And I had everything under control.

Turns out it's wife's mom being the issue and has been strong

arming brother-in-law and wife to do things her way or not at all.

That's unfortunately very common and that's when you need

to have those strict boundaries.

because I feel like when you start allowing a little bit to happen with

someone like that, you're like, okay, yeah, we'll make this one change.

'cause you said it, what is it?

Give an inch.

They'll take a mile or whatever.

Someone like that They know who they can easily manipulate.

I see it all the time.

It's like frustrating though.

Mm-hmm.

May I never be a mother like that one day.

Right.

I know.

people like that.

I wonder if they can see that they're being that way.

I don't know.

Some people just can't let go or let someone else take the lead

of something 'cause they think they're just gonna do it better.

All right, last one.

My mother-in-law got both of my kids 30 plus gifts.

Each after we asked her to tone it down this year.

So frustrated.

I'm guessing for the holidays or for Christmas or something,

or maybe their birthdays.

That's wild.

As a parent, that would overwhelm me.

I can't even imagine.

That's

just much stuff.

Yeah.

And

stuff you have to keep in your house.

Mm-hmm.

As my child's parent.

I don't get her more than like two things for like a birthday and then

maybe a couple more, for a holiday.

I get very overwhelmed by stuff.

So 30 gifts that I can't even comprehend.

30 gifts.

That's too,

they must have money.

Money,

yeah.

I feel like then when kids get so much stuff, they don't

value the things they do have.

Yeah.

Because they're like, oh, I'm just gonna get more stuff.

Or they use it once and it goes in the garbage.

So like, I hate that personally.

we're gonna get something that you're gonna use multiple

ways and for many years.

I hate just things sitting around that you're just not gonna use.

Agree.

Yeah.

Alright, well thanks for hanging out with me.

Thanks for coming on this, week.

it was so nice meeting you.

And, I feel like your story is a very good cautionary tale for many

thanks for hosting me.

I had fun.

I mean, this has been like a fun way to spend my, I guess it's

evening at this point, but yeah.

Fun way to spend my evening and, I think you put out a lot of good content for

people to just take a pause and like that woman said, not feel alone because

if you feel like you're the only person dealing with crazy people, you're not.

Mm-hmm.

So I think there's something about feeling validated.

Yeah.

And feeling like, okay, this is not unique.

I'm not the only person dealing with this.

But yeah.

This has been fun.

Thank you so much for inviting me.

Yeah, I know.

It's wild.

'cause when I first started sharing a couple, stories and stuff, just

stuff I'd heard over the years from weddings, I never knew how wild

and how many stories people had to share about this kind of thing.

It just blows my mind.

So I think it's a great, safe space to be able to share and talk to other people,

set stronger boundaries and all that.

so for anyone listening, can you tell everyone where they can follow you

on social media, kind of anything fun you're working on, what they can expect

from your content, all that good stuff?

Yeah, so I am primarily only on one.

I know this is not what everybody does, but basically the only thing I use

is TikTok and I am Selma your lawyer.

Big sis.

that is the only account I really use.

I do have an Instagram, but it is like purely just family and

people from college, friends.

So it's like very private.

Right.

I always feel bad because a lot of people from TikTok migrate over there.

Yeah.

And I'm like, I'm sorry, I wanna keep this private.

and it's not like that personal, it's just that some of the people that.

I talk about that have given me permission, aren't on my Instagram,

and I just wanna protect their privacy.

Yes.

but I do a lot of attorney talk.

I do a lot of my own story times that most of 'em are not

about weddings, not my content.

I had a while there I, where I was posting a lot about Indianapolis, but

then people started accusing me of being paid by the city for tourism.

I mean really, I was just like, I thought this was what everybody did.

if I like a place, I'm gonna shout it out.

Yeah.

But yeah, that's primarily, it's like fun for me.

TikTok I think is a lot of fun.

Yeah.

and so that is the only mode of social media I use because it's

the only one that brings me joy.

Yeah.

I love it.

I feel like tiktoks a fun, easy way to start making content too.

'cause it's just like, I don't know.

At least for me, I felt like a lot of the pressure was off.

Instagram I post on there now, but like when I first started years ago,

it's just that, picture perfect.

Like everything is very Instagram models and I'm like, I don't know about that.

But now I think it's changing a little bit, but tiktoks

definitely less pressure like that.

Well, awesome.

Like I said, it was so nice meeting you and I loved your story.

I think it's really important for more people to hear that kinda story.

So I'm hoping this reaches new ears and they can find and follow your content

learn more of your awesome advice.

Perfect.

Thank you so much.

Thank you.