We had a previous episode where we broke down some common mistakes in parenting
plans, and this episode is no different.
We're gonna break down how vacation clauses in parenting plans can cause
a lot of post-divorce custody fights.
Primarily because once again, the wording is not crystal clear about vacations.
And again, when we think about vacations as a single parent, or maybe we've
moved on and we have a new significant other, and we're taking our kids, this
is supposed to be a joyous occasion.
It's supposed to be fun, it's supposed to be lighthearted, and then we get in
the weeds when we have to work with our ex on something specific about our case.
And vacations is one of 'em.
So I'm gonna break down some clauses that I've been reading and some
parenting plans that my team did not write, and they're pretty shitty.
And I wanna share them with you in hopes that, if you see something like
this wrote into your parenting plan, you run for the hills, or you ask for
it to be changed because it will not work in the future when you actually
start participating and using said parenting plan with your co-parent.
So first and foremost.
each parent may take reasonable vacation time with the child.
Period.
End of paragraph.
End of sentence.
Let's break this down.
Each parent.
Okay, that's good.
You, me, we both get to take vacation.
How much vacation?
Reasonable.
Well, I think three weeks is reasonable.
My ex could think 10 weeks is reasonable.
I could think a week or two, my ex could think, let's just split the day in half.
So yes, I have a real big problem with leaving such a vague sentence
in a parenting plan because it doesn't tell me anything.
What is reasonable?
So when you're working with your attorney or you're working with a
mediator, or you're working with somebody in my team, my team doesn't
write shit like this, but when you're working with those people and you see,
oh, okay, I get to have reasonable parenting time, this sounds good.
Okay.
You think that sounds good?
Yeah.
To somebody that hasn't tried to use that vacation time yet, so
nothing is defined here, which makes vacation come back on the table.
As something that you are going to have to focus on again, and that's not
something what you wanna do, right?
I wanna be one and done.
I wanna be able to wrap this up, move on, and when it's time to take a vacation,
I know the rules and policies around a vacation, reasonable vacation time.
You and your ex will not think the same on that, so please,
please, please pay attention.
Example number two, parents will cooperate regarding vacation scheduling.
This one's cute.
This one's almost comical, and this is usually put in those parenting
plans by two people who get along during the divorce process.
They're besties, they're still doing stuff together, and then it's always ends
up that somebody remarries or somebody gets with something else, and then it
all blows up into a shit firestorm.
And now we're no longer agreeing about vacations.
When we wrote it, we were getting along and it was copacetic and you
know, we were besties and we wrote this sentence in there thinking that
it would be logical and reasonable.
And then now we try to use that sentence and You hate me and I
hate you, or one or the other.
And now it's not.
So this is a problem.
Cooperation clauses fail because a high conflict person gets
to actually make the decision.
If we're supposed to cooperate, but somebody hates me, they can
easily say no to everything.
So then therefore they're actually leading.
They're determining it's a no.
So one parent could refuse a date.
One parent could say, oh, that doesn't work for me.
they might not respond to you right away.
So it makes planning a vacation damn near impossible.
So this sentence, run for the hills.
Example number three.
Oh, this is one of my favorite fucks.
Vacation time will be mutually agreed upon.
Are you kidding me?
So let me get this straight.
We are divorced and now I have to ask my ex, the person that hates
me, if I can go on a vacation.
I can tell you right now, I don't even have to send the email.
The answer's no, I don't have to send it.
I can just tell myself no and save myself the stamp or the money, or
the time, or the energy or the email.
The answer will be no.
So again, I don't know who's creating these vague sentences, but I can tell
you they're either one of two things, and I'm not meaning this to be rude.
This is fact.
They're either dumb, I said what I said, or they want my money ' cause
anybody with two sides of their fucking brain would know that if I put this
sentence in a divorce decree, two parents will have to mutually agree
upon a divorce, means that one parent, my client will be calling me back.
When they don't agree or your attorney is just dumb or your judge is just dumb.
And I don't mean that to be rude, I mean that to be factual, that they
don't understand how high conflict people navigate co-parenting, which
is with hatred on their heart, ahead of the love for their children.
That's facts.
That's not me being rude.
That's not me stereotyping.
That is an absolute fact.
And so this sentence right here.
It's dumb or it's a money strike.
So one parent can simply say no.
It gives one parent veto power over all of your vacation time, and
families end up stuck in financial loss negotiating and arguing this
out with their attorney later.
It's ridiculous.
It's absolutely ridiculous.
Okay, so example number four.
Parents shall give reasonable notice of vacation plans.
Now again, this sentence doesn't bother me too bad, other than the
word that I hate, which is reasonable.
What's reasonable to me?
I wanna know 60 to 90 days ahead of your vacation, my last minute, you know,
X may only give me four days notice.
Reasonable to him is four days.
Reasonable to me is 60 to 90 days.
So reasonable is not.
Measurable.
Stop signing parenting plans that use that word.
Just take it out.
Now, I would rather that sentence say that each parent shall
give notice of vacation plans.
I would rather it say that than reasonable, because now we're
arguing about what reasonable means or here's a crazy thought.
It could just say, parents shall give 30 days notice of vacation plans.
What you mean that I could actually just have 30 days wrote right there?
Yes, you can.
Absolutely.
My team does it all day long for people.
We give actual details of when to do shit that's respectful with your co-parent.
Shocking.
I know.
All right, so if I, me, Sam, were writing your vacation section,
which I do for a living, by the way.
Okay.
My name is Sam and I write Custom parenting plans for high conflict
situations and you never know when your situation will churn.
High conflict.
Here are the things that I would include, so get ready to record this, pause this.
Take notes.
Number one, how much vacation time does each parent get?
How much weeks, days?
Can it interrupt a visitation schedule?
Can I take somebody's weekend?
Can it be consecutive?
Can it be year round?
These are the questions you have to answer.
Now I can tell you what I preference in dealing with high conflict people.
I can tell you what I preference now that I have adult children and
how I would do things differently.
That's what you get whenever you hire my team, is you get the ins
and the outs and the hindsights, but that's the kind of level.
This should not be one sentence.
This is not a one sentence event.
My whole vacation is wrote in one sentence.
I think not.
This is a paragraph hell.
And I think in our parenting plan, it's like three paragraphs.
Number two, how much vacation time is requested, or how
vacation time is requested.
Is it written?
Is it verbal?
Do I get to stand in your driveway and be like, Hey, June 10th through the 17th,
I'm gonna take the kids on vacation.
I'm sorry, what?
need that on paper somewhere.
need that with like, notice, okay.
How much notice, not just like, oh, it's the ninth and you're
telling me you're leaving the 10th.
Well, I, I need more notice than that.
Again, some of you may be thinking this is a little over the top.
Sam, you're being way too detailed here.
Am I, are you divorced?
Are you in a high conflict situation?
Do you have somebody that hates your guts more than they love their children?
If not, sit down and let me keep going.
Thank you.
Number three, travel and location rules.
Now we got some people that really think that everybody should
stay in state tweet to their own parenting plan is custom built.
You write this puppy to make it make sense for you, but we gotta
talk about out-of-state travel.
We're gonna talk about international travel, we're gonna
talk about passports and usage.
These are the kind of things that I would rather have in here than not in here we
have, we have people that, I had a client the other day that she's like, well,
we've never had passports for the kids.
Okay, perfect.
Put that in there.
We don't want passports for the kids till they turn 18 and
they can go get 'em themselves.
Write that in there, but when you don't include it.
Now you've left the door open that he could try to go get passports and
have you have to say yes or no, and then you're the bad guy later when
we could just be the bad guy now and get this wrapped up and move on.
But we gotta talk about it.
And don't ever assume that your ex is going to be okay with you going and
getting a passport after your divorce.
Talk about it now.
You guys, if you're already building this parenting plan and you're
already pissing each other off and you're already having hard
conversations, have 'em all get it done.
Rip that fucking bandaid off once.
Don't be slowly torturing yourself by ripping off a piece at a time, and
then wait years later and rip another piece off, and then a couple years go
by and rip another fucking rip it off and get all the hard shit taken care
of once and move on with your life.
But there's also not billions of dollars in that either.
So this is where we gotta be careful and educate ourselves, and
I want you guys sharing this with everybody that you know is divorced.
People need to know the scams that are going on and how poor these parenting
plans are written to keep us coming back to the family court system when
a lot of this could be eliminated by putting it in here the first time.
Shameless plug, that's what my team can do for you.
Number four, communication and safety.
Now again, this is custom built to you.
So if you don't want your kids skydiving, put it in there.
No, nothing dangerous till they're 18.
But you also need to know where they at, what city, what town,
what, what state, what hotel.
Like.
This is common, like respectful sense to say, Hey, we will be in Colorado, Denver.
we're riding a train to get out there.
We're gonna be there from June 10th to June 17th, and
we're riding the train back.
Cool.
I now know if something happens in Denver, Colorado, my kids are there and
I'm a little bit panic stricken about it.
I can set up rules around, you know what?
I don't normally talk to the kids on vacation.
I don't need to talk to 'em again.
Or maybe I'll establish that I get to talk to them at least once
or twice during their vacation.
Again, if you've heard me here at all, I am not an advocate for communicating with
your children when they're with the other parent, but maybe on a very long vacation.
You do.
This is stuff I need you to be thinking about when you're building your
parenting plan with your attorney or with your mediator, or with my team.
So I don't want you to have to keep renegotiating your vacation every year.
I mean, I have people that are panic stricken.
Sam, can you help me write an email where I ask my ex if I
can take the kids on a vacation?
I'm sorry, did you just say you have to ask your ex to go on a vacation?
Yeah.
Our parenting plan doesn't say anything about it, so I wanna
take my kids on a vacation.
somebody did you dirty.
Real dirty because that should have been allotted to you in the divorce decree.
In the parenting plan.
Now the other thing I wanna leave you with is this.
You are allowed to take your kids anywhere.
Your parenting plan allows outta state and state, international during your own
parenting time, and it's not a vacation.
So if you do a week on week off schedule, take your kids somewhere, but it doesn't
have to count as one of your vacations.
You just have to let them know if your parenting plan says you
have to let them know that you're outta state or outta the country.
Vacations only happen when you interrupt someone's parenting time.
Now, that's not legal advice.
Ask your attorney always if what I'm saying is making sense, and then
they're gonna say, who told you that?
And then you're gonna tell them who.
And then they're gonna come send me some hate.
And I really don't care.
I got thick skin.
But you deserve to have the ability to take your kids on as many vacations
as your visitation schedule allows.
If you wanna go for three days, go for three days.
If you wanna go for five, 'cause you have five consecutive days, go for five.
That's not a vacation because you did not interrupt the other parent's
Parenting time, as long as you don't miss the normal drop off and pick up.
Let's go, let's go.
That's a lot of reasons why people pick week on, week off, because they wanna
be able to go on as many vacations as they want in the summertime.
I mean, I want a little bit of that money, but hey, let 'em be.
So, there's a lot of things to think about, but I wanna go back.
If your parenting plan uses those words of vagueness, like reasonable
cooperate, mutually agree.
We're running.
We're running for the hills on that.
We're not doing that.
Okay?
We are not doing that.
Make sure your parenting plan is written really well.
And something that somebody just brought up, and I would
love to just throw this in here.
If your children are having to miss school, then yes, that is a vacation
'cause you're changing their schedule.
But if you're in the summertime and you're week on, week off, I have
parents that go and travel every week that they have their kids because they
have an entrepreneurship job where they work from their computer at home.
So they're able to go on multiple vacations.
So really be thinking about in your vacation schedule,
the one we build for people.
We talk about how much school can the kids miss.
Five days with you, five days with you, 10 days with you, 10 days with me.
What is in here is so important for your future.
You have to make sure all of the things that you wanna do are written
clearly so that you never have to spend more money with your attorney.
Go engage with your ex about your vacation.
That is ludicrous, and it should not be written that way.
So please consider writing the details you heard down today and sharing this
episode with somebody so that they don't get screwed for their vacation.