<v Speaker 1>If you have to be performative in a relationship and

<v Speaker 1>stretch yourself every which way but the right one, you

<v Speaker 1>will always feel like you are honestly unemployed in the

<v Speaker 1>relationship right, Like you're not quite there yet. You haven't

<v Speaker 1>earned the job, you haven't gotten it. That's what it

<v Speaker 1>feels like. Hey, babe, it's Asia Christina.

<v Speaker 2>This is Quality Queen Control. What is happening?

<v Speaker 1>Hello everybody, welcome back to Quality Queen Control. If this

<v Speaker 1>is your first time seeing me, Hello, my name is

<v Speaker 1>Asha Christina Foster. If this is your first time hearing me,

<v Speaker 1>well girl, welcome to the aid seam.

<v Speaker 2>This is the.

<v Speaker 1>Quality Queen Control podcast where we talk about all things dating, lifestyle, relationships, everything.

<v Speaker 1>We cover it all, but more importantly, I am here

<v Speaker 1>to help you navigate to move smarter.

<v Speaker 2>Okay, that's what this is all about.

<v Speaker 1>It's about growing, and it's about helping one another, as

<v Speaker 1>you know, and not gatekeeping right, being as genuine as

<v Speaker 1>we can so this topic I'm sure I've covered tons

<v Speaker 1>of times before, it just was not in the medium

<v Speaker 1>of a podcast, and it's time that we actually bring

<v Speaker 1>it back because it seems like we still suffer from

<v Speaker 1>this epidemic of being a pick me and having this

<v Speaker 1>whole build a bear service for men. So I understand

<v Speaker 1>that this may make some people very uncomfortable. And I'm

<v Speaker 1>a tough love kind of girly so that's not really

<v Speaker 1>going to change. But before you get defensive and say, oh,

<v Speaker 1>that's not me, let's define exactly what a pick me is.

<v Speaker 1>So a pick me is not just a woman who

<v Speaker 1>wants a man. It is a woman who abandons herself

<v Speaker 1>to be chosen. And of course you ask an actual

<v Speaker 1>pick me, oh is this what you're doing, They're gonna

<v Speaker 1>say no, they're in denial, right, because there also is

<v Speaker 1>an epidemic of woman out here that they manufacture situation

<v Speaker 1>so much that they don't realize that their desires outweigh reality,

<v Speaker 1>all right, So everything that they do, they think that

<v Speaker 1>it's some sort of alignment in some sort of way,

<v Speaker 1>because they are literally like controlling the situation, like they're

<v Speaker 1>literally playing god. So, if we're honest, a lot of

<v Speaker 1>people have gone through this phase, especially when you're younger.

<v Speaker 2>Right, let's just call a spade a spade.

<v Speaker 1>When you were young, it's almost like, and I don't

<v Speaker 1>mean when you're young young, because I feel like this

<v Speaker 1>is the interesting thing when you are super young. It's

<v Speaker 1>like boys try to impress you. When you're like five

<v Speaker 1>years old, you're six, you're seven, and a boy likes you,

<v Speaker 1>and you're like, I don't like him, but like he's

<v Speaker 1>bringing you little flowers from you know, recess and he's

<v Speaker 1>doing all this stuff. Like it's like that cute, very

<v Speaker 1>innocent type of crush that you have as like.

<v Speaker 2>A little little girl, you know before like you.

<v Speaker 1>Realize boys have cooties and then you go through that

<v Speaker 1>phase whatever. So I noticed it's so interesting that when

<v Speaker 1>we are super young, at least growing up in my day,

<v Speaker 1>you like, it's that traditional thing where you know, the

<v Speaker 1>boy likes you and he has to kind of win

<v Speaker 1>over your attention or something like that. But then as

<v Speaker 1>we you know, get in middle school, high school, especially college,

<v Speaker 1>that seems to turn around and the roles start to reverse.

<v Speaker 1>Where As women, we are the ones that are heavily

<v Speaker 1>fixated on.

<v Speaker 2>Trying to flip.

<v Speaker 1>Reverse backflip cartwheel our way into men's lives and trying

<v Speaker 1>to compete against the next chick to prove that we're

<v Speaker 1>like better, smarter, prettier and all the different things. And

<v Speaker 1>it just doesn't make any sense, okay, because what happens

<v Speaker 1>if you've done all that and it's still got you nowhere?

<v Speaker 1>Oh wait, that it happened, Okay, so then you want

<v Speaker 1>to listen up. So if you're abandoning yourself to feel chosen, right,

<v Speaker 1>it's not a desperation. Can we just call a spat

<v Speaker 1>a spade even if you're not even realizing it. If

<v Speaker 1>you have stretched yourself beyond your capacity, so you're making

<v Speaker 1>yourself feel of more value to the guy, you've done

<v Speaker 1>pick Misha type of behaviors. Okay, So we are positioned

<v Speaker 1>to believe that being chosen is the prize. So if

<v Speaker 1>you are being chosen, I mean, think about it. In

<v Speaker 1>society today, there's so much pressure around you know, the

<v Speaker 1>age you get married. Do I think that people should

<v Speaker 1>get married? Absolutely? I am one hundred percent pro marriage,

<v Speaker 1>pro covenant under God, all the different things. However, that's

<v Speaker 1>why you guys need to act like it. Start acting

<v Speaker 1>like it. If we raise the bar as woman to

<v Speaker 1>stop allowing very ridiculous and reckless behavior, then it will

<v Speaker 1>allow men as a whole from a societal standpoint, to

<v Speaker 1>then step up and follow suit. All Right, every time

<v Speaker 1>a dummy makes a dumb decision. It makes it harder

<v Speaker 1>for the rest of the people, right, because if no

<v Speaker 1>one is rising to the standard, then it allows and

<v Speaker 1>perpetuates men to want to put in less effort.

<v Speaker 2>Okay, now, AnyWho, if you.

<v Speaker 1>Are conditioned to believe that being chosen is the prize,

<v Speaker 1>then you will find yourself a victim of being a

<v Speaker 1>pick me, because now you're looking around and intrinsically you

<v Speaker 1>are feeling your value stems from whether or not you

<v Speaker 1>have a boyfriend, whether or not you have a husband,

<v Speaker 1>and your whole life revolves around said thing. However, let's

<v Speaker 1>be honest here. As someone that is very much into

<v Speaker 1>traditional marriage and very much pro marriage and being in

<v Speaker 1>a monogamous relationship, I feel that society has changed now

<v Speaker 1>and we have to adapt to some of those things.

<v Speaker 1>And what I mean by that is long gone are

<v Speaker 1>the days where I believe a right. Here's a hot

<v Speaker 1>take that woman should literally have no other job. Motherhood

<v Speaker 1>is a job, I want to be very clear here,

<v Speaker 1>But no other source of any income whatsoever, and you

<v Speaker 1>are one hundred percent dependent on your husband. The reason

<v Speaker 1>I think that that's an issue is because it is

<v Speaker 1>always nice to have a little nest egg for yourself,

<v Speaker 1>even if it honestly comes from your husband, that's also fine.

<v Speaker 1>Use that money, invest it, Let your money make money.

<v Speaker 1>You don't have to go get a job or start

<v Speaker 1>some sort of business or something like that, but have

<v Speaker 1>a little nest egg for yourself.

<v Speaker 2>I think that we all should.

<v Speaker 1>Kind of agree with this because in the end, you

<v Speaker 1>never know what happens, and you don't want to be

<v Speaker 1>so heavily dependent on your husband in the sense where

<v Speaker 1>you're not making the best decisions, especially financially.

<v Speaker 2>If you have a huge nest egg and your.

<v Speaker 1>Husband is super successful, you know, take some money and

<v Speaker 1>start to invest that so that at least that money

<v Speaker 1>is making money, and try to do a little something

<v Speaker 1>on the side so that you start to have your

<v Speaker 1>own identity in it. In your relationship, because outside of motherhood,

<v Speaker 1>outside of being a wife, I know you have a

<v Speaker 1>lot on your plate and all the things. Right, taking

<v Speaker 1>a little sidebar here, but I think it's very important

<v Speaker 1>that you have something of your own that you are passionate,

<v Speaker 1>that you can dedicate your a little bit of your

<v Speaker 1>time to or at least be put in a financially

<v Speaker 1>responsible position, and especially a man of value and wealth.

<v Speaker 1>I do believe that they should help you to do

<v Speaker 1>those things and have a nest egg so that way,

<v Speaker 1>when you go to Starbucks and you go to Target,

<v Speaker 1>you don't have to ask him to sell you the

<v Speaker 1>seventy one seventy five while you're waiting online and the

<v Speaker 1>person behind you is giving you anxiety because you are

<v Speaker 1>waiting for him to sell you the money so it

<v Speaker 1>can hit your account so you can go make this purchase.

<v Speaker 1>You don't have to move like that, Okay, and before

<v Speaker 1>you a lot of people are in relationships like that

<v Speaker 1>where they have no sort of financial autonomy in any capacity.

<v Speaker 1>Like I said, there's nothing wrong with your husband supporting you, girl, Please,

<v Speaker 1>I am not saying that. What I am saying is

<v Speaker 1>to the best of your ability. He should also be

<v Speaker 1>helping you to also make money on your own. If

<v Speaker 1>you don't want to have a side business or something

<v Speaker 1>of that nature, maybe your schedule doesn't allow for it.

<v Speaker 1>So at the very least have some sort of a

<v Speaker 1>stock or investment account where you are able to start

<v Speaker 1>to make money off of the money that you're making

<v Speaker 1>that you're getting you know, so that you can, you know,

<v Speaker 1>make you know smarter.

<v Speaker 2>Financial decisions. Do you guys understand what it is that

<v Speaker 2>I'm saying.

<v Speaker 1>The reason why is obvious because one, you don't want

<v Speaker 1>to be the girl standing in the Target line and

<v Speaker 1>the Starbucks line.

<v Speaker 2>But also it gives you some sort.

<v Speaker 1>Of self worth because you are working towards something. It

<v Speaker 1>builds your self esteem. I know we tend to fantasize

<v Speaker 1>about the guy who's going to do everything for us

<v Speaker 1>and all these different things. That doesn't mean he's still

<v Speaker 1>not going to do anything for you just because you're

<v Speaker 1>making a little money on your own. You know, people

<v Speaker 1>are a little bit too black and white when it

<v Speaker 1>comes to this stuff, but it is very important also

<v Speaker 1>for your like emotional health and your safety and your

<v Speaker 1>financial autonomy. That you have something for yourself doesn't mean

<v Speaker 1>that it still can't be a traditional marriage where your

<v Speaker 1>man is still providing and paying for everything, but you

<v Speaker 1>still also have your own money that you are making

<v Speaker 1>as well. Right, I think that's very fair to say,

<v Speaker 1>because without that you end up in very very sad

<v Speaker 1>positions where if anything ever happens now you have nothing

<v Speaker 1>to yourself. You don't want to turn into the person

<v Speaker 1>that is dedicating their whole life now your kids have

<v Speaker 1>grown up, They're doing their own thing. You're sad and

<v Speaker 1>miserable and stuck in this situation, you know, because you

<v Speaker 1>feel like, man, well what am I going to do?

<v Speaker 1>I know I can't go get a nine to five job.

<v Speaker 1>I know that, you know you what am I going

<v Speaker 1>to do? My kids are living their life? You know,

<v Speaker 1>my kids are married, all these different things. Like, you know,

<v Speaker 1>I can't do anything on my own. You don't want

<v Speaker 1>to end up being that person. Be careful of the

<v Speaker 1>decisions that you are making right now to align yourself

<v Speaker 1>with what it is that you want. So what a

<v Speaker 1>pick me actually is is someone that is going to

<v Speaker 1>minimize their standards to keep the man that you are

<v Speaker 1>pursuing comfortable. This is going to be a woman that

<v Speaker 1>laughs at disrespect so that they can seem cool, right,

<v Speaker 1>are you okay? This is going to be a woman

<v Speaker 1>who over extends herself to prove that she's different and

<v Speaker 1>she's not like all the other girls. This is gonna

<v Speaker 1>be a woman who competes with other women instead of

<v Speaker 1>collaborating with other women because you genuinely see other women

<v Speaker 1>as your competition. This is gonna be a woman that

<v Speaker 1>silences her own needs so that she doesn't seem.

<v Speaker 2>Like she's difficult.

<v Speaker 1>Right, this is gonna be a woman who stays quiet

<v Speaker 1>about red flags because she does not want to lose

<v Speaker 1>the man that she's with. You are a pick me

<v Speaker 1>if you identified with any of those things, you are

<v Speaker 1>a pick me.

<v Speaker 2>All right.

<v Speaker 1>I think we need to bring it back to basic

<v Speaker 1>fundamentals here. He that finds a wafe finds a good thing. Okay,

<v Speaker 1>this is the gag, right, These women think that they're

<v Speaker 1>winning in life because you're losing yourself in the process

<v Speaker 1>of this, not even realizing it. Because you're you're not

<v Speaker 1>really a low maintenance person, all right, You're you're you're

<v Speaker 1>you're under communicating. That's what you're doing. You're not low maintenance.

<v Speaker 1>You're undercommunicating and there will always be a price for this.

<v Speaker 1>You're not chill and oh yeah, no, this stuff doesn't

<v Speaker 1>bother me. I mean, hello, I keep bringing it back

<v Speaker 1>to real housewives in New Jersey. Right now, you have Dolores, Right,

<v Speaker 1>Dolores was married to Frank Catania. He was unfaithful to her,

<v Speaker 1>never raised or lived with his kids the entire time

<v Speaker 1>that she's pretty much had his kids, so he just

<v Speaker 1>could not be faithful to her and they obviously a

<v Speaker 1>very interesting or had at this point a very interesting

<v Speaker 1>relationship where he was best friends with her ex David,

<v Speaker 1>and they ended up living together. She not only lived

<v Speaker 1>with her ex husband, but then when her and her

<v Speaker 1>ex husband Frank broke up, Frank moved in with her

<v Speaker 1>ex David. Like it's a very strange dynamic. Now she

<v Speaker 1>found who I now know fast forward is her fiance Paul.

<v Speaker 1>I just got to the season where she met Paul,

<v Speaker 1>and you can see Paul a real man, no disrespect

<v Speaker 1>to anyone else.

<v Speaker 2>He's not putting up with that.

<v Speaker 1>He's like, uh no, we will not be staying at

<v Speaker 1>Frank Catanya's Jersey shorehouse with him and I'm visiting you.

<v Speaker 1>They like, no, We're not doing that. And so she

<v Speaker 1>I think Dolores, who is a genuine good woman, She

<v Speaker 1>is the type of person where because she just simply

<v Speaker 1>never got what she wanted, she just was kind of

<v Speaker 1>okay with whatever the dynamic was. She gave David five

<v Speaker 1>years of her life and she said, you, you know what,

<v Speaker 1>I just realized the truth is, I never demanded the

<v Speaker 1>commitment that I actually truly wanted, and in the end,

<v Speaker 1>I don't want to say she lost because she won

<v Speaker 1>with Paul. I'll tell you that much right now from

<v Speaker 1>where I currently stand in the season. But she stayed

<v Speaker 1>a little bit longer because she was trying to convince

<v Speaker 1>herself that she was okay and to prove what I'm

<v Speaker 1>saying is correct, she let it be known that she

<v Speaker 1>was not going to move into the house that they

<v Speaker 1>were building together until she got a ring and a

<v Speaker 1>commitment from from David. David gets the new house that

<v Speaker 1>she helped him build and design with her ex Frank Catania,

<v Speaker 1>I know, stay with me, and ends up not moving

<v Speaker 1>into the house at all because she didn't get the ring. Instead,

<v Speaker 1>he got her a Porsche. Everyone, all her friends are like, ah, yeah,

<v Speaker 1>he definitely bought you this to do you know, by

<v Speaker 1>himself time. She was obviously offended by that, because who

<v Speaker 1>wants to hear that, Who wants to hear the truth

<v Speaker 1>of the matter that, yeah, he definitely brought you He

<v Speaker 1>got you a Porsche instead of ring.

<v Speaker 2>Please tell me how that makes sense? Oh, because it doesn't.

<v Speaker 1>And so then she said she doesn't care about the

<v Speaker 1>ring anymore, she doesn't whatever, She's happy with what it is.

<v Speaker 1>It was so obvious that she was trying to convince

<v Speaker 1>herself that that's what it is. And I'm not necessarily

<v Speaker 1>calling Dolores a pick me. That is not what I'm

<v Speaker 1>trying to hint at here. I love Dolors, by the way.

<v Speaker 1>What I'm trying to say is that when you convince

<v Speaker 1>yourself of something that you actually do want, and you

<v Speaker 1>try to convince yourself otherwise like people do see through it.

<v Speaker 1>We know the truth here what woman wants to waste

<v Speaker 1>her time, especially Dolores. She was in her fifties at

<v Speaker 1>that time, right her early fifties or so you want

<v Speaker 1>to you're spending your time with a man who's also

<v Speaker 1>of age appropriate, and he just is noncommittal and he's

<v Speaker 1>working eighteen hour days and has no time for you.

<v Speaker 1>You mean to tell me that that's truly what makes

<v Speaker 1>you happy.

<v Speaker 2>No, it doesn't.

<v Speaker 1>You're basically living a life alone, and that's exactly what

<v Speaker 1>she was doing.

<v Speaker 2>Then.

<v Speaker 1>On the contrast, she got her now fiance, Paul, who

<v Speaker 1>came in even more successful, I would argue than David

<v Speaker 1>is or David was and is and is like listen,

<v Speaker 1>I got you, I'm going to take care of you.

<v Speaker 1>And she even admitted this is the first time I

<v Speaker 1>fully let my guard down. And because not many women

<v Speaker 1>tend to experience that, we sort of settle for whatever

<v Speaker 1>is kind of around because at least this is the

<v Speaker 1>closest that it's going to get. I'm going to make

<v Speaker 1>an episode on on something like that next, so you

<v Speaker 1>guys be on the lookout for that.

<v Speaker 2>Let's get back to this.

<v Speaker 1>So you're not different from other girls, babe, You're disconnected

<v Speaker 1>from yourself, and that's what the realty is, right, So

<v Speaker 1>pick me behavior is usually rooted in the fear of abandonment.

<v Speaker 2>Oh, I don't want to be alone.

<v Speaker 1>I don't want that person to leave me, and all

<v Speaker 1>these different things this can send from stem from childhood,

<v Speaker 1>which a lot of the times it does. And you

<v Speaker 1>will just have anyone by your side no matter what

<v Speaker 1>it is. I have witness on multiple occasions certain relationships

<v Speaker 1>absolutely wreck certain women, all right. I have seen woman

<v Speaker 1>turn bitter, nasty, starts, it exasperated and brought out certain

<v Speaker 1>addictions that they didn't even realize that they once had.

<v Speaker 1>I've seen women lose jobs, stable living conditions, and everything

<v Speaker 1>over the relate the choices of men that they put

<v Speaker 1>in their lives, and that they would prioritize chasing that

<v Speaker 1>man down so much.

<v Speaker 2>That to their own detriment. Right pick me.

<v Speaker 1>Behaviors also rooted in a scarcity mindset. Oh this is

<v Speaker 1>as good as it's going to get for me. Yeah,

<v Speaker 1>it's really not going to get any better. You know,

<v Speaker 1>your standards are too high. You know, I'm afraid you're

<v Speaker 1>not going to get what you want all these different things. Yeah,

<v Speaker 1>spoken like a real loser. I said what I said.

<v Speaker 1>Spoken like a woman who genuinely settled in her life,

<v Speaker 1>so she wants to place limit limitations on.

<v Speaker 2>What works for your life. Oh, well, you're being unrealistic.

<v Speaker 1>Oh you finding a guy that's going to go to

<v Speaker 1>church with you and and and pay for all your

<v Speaker 1>bills and treat you nicely and all. Okay, come on,

<v Speaker 1>let's like, let's like be realistic here. No, that's your life.

<v Speaker 1>You worry about your life because you did not have

<v Speaker 1>the balls to go after what you truly wanted in life.

<v Speaker 2>I'm not going to follow suit with that. Also, low

<v Speaker 2>self worth.

<v Speaker 1>Of course, if you're going to tolerate anything, you know why,

<v Speaker 1>you're gonna you're gonna start to have resentment against other women.

<v Speaker 1>Who are actually happy and living their lives, and you're

<v Speaker 1>gonna lie to yourself and convince yourself that they're not

<v Speaker 1>truly happy because you're not truly happy. That's the first

<v Speaker 1>thing that comes out of your mouth. Happy people do

<v Speaker 1>not say and do certain things. I'm telling you that

<v Speaker 1>right now. Happy people truly especially when you are madly

<v Speaker 1>in love and you are with a man that if

<v Speaker 1>you feel supported by, you feel protected by, you feel

<v Speaker 1>provided for, you are not going to be participating or

<v Speaker 1>having certain conversations and opinions of other things because you're

<v Speaker 1>so much.

<v Speaker 2>In your own world and your own relationship.

<v Speaker 1>But if you have low self worth, you're going to

<v Speaker 1>settle for however, this guy's treating you, and you're not

<v Speaker 1>going to try and color outside the lines because at

<v Speaker 1>least you have someone by your side.

<v Speaker 2>Then there's also trauma bonding.

<v Speaker 1>You guys both are crazy, have drinking problems, you know,

<v Speaker 1>all these different addictions. So you're like, listen, we have

<v Speaker 1>this extensive history together. Or maybe he's cheated on me

<v Speaker 1>seven times. I let him back in every single time.

<v Speaker 1>Now we have a kid together, what am I supposed

<v Speaker 1>to do? All these different things? Like, let's really call

<v Speaker 1>a spade a spade here, and let's let us.

<v Speaker 2>All as a society. If you are a.

<v Speaker 1>Woman that is childless, please be very mindful with who

<v Speaker 1>you procreate with. All right, And I think we've all

<v Speaker 1>learned this by now, But a baby does not keep

<v Speaker 1>a man. A baby will not make a man treat

<v Speaker 1>you better. A baby will not make a man stay.

<v Speaker 1>A baby is not going to do anything but maybe

<v Speaker 1>cause more resentment for a man that already does not

<v Speaker 1>like you. And I know that this seems very nuanced,

<v Speaker 1>but I want you to listen to me very closely.

<v Speaker 1>Men are capable of having these duality, you know, the duality.

<v Speaker 2>Of certain feelings.

<v Speaker 1>They will still be intimate with you while also not

<v Speaker 1>really wanting to be with you or even really liking

<v Speaker 1>you that much, right, Because for them it's like, well,

<v Speaker 1>if this is here and this is always what it was,

<v Speaker 1>why would I change the dynamic? Right, So they're not

<v Speaker 1>looking at it as well, we've been together for so

<v Speaker 1>long and we've just gone through so much. Like you know,

<v Speaker 1>unless he's a hobosexual, he will try and use this argument, right,

<v Speaker 1>meaning he has no place to stay, so he's hopping

<v Speaker 1>around like a hobo and he is going to be

<v Speaker 1>the guy that tries to come across as very emotionally

<v Speaker 1>in tune and he just needs help getting on his feet,

<v Speaker 1>and you just want to be the good woman that's

<v Speaker 1>there for him.

<v Speaker 2>And he promises that he got you as.

<v Speaker 1>Soon as you as soon as he makes it big

<v Speaker 1>in the rap game, you know, as soon as he

<v Speaker 1>becomes a big streamer, he's gonna pay all your bills.

<v Speaker 1>I hear you, But I can't pay my bills with

<v Speaker 1>your fantasy. So how about we get there first and

<v Speaker 1>I see a little bit of traction in some action,

<v Speaker 1>and maybe we can revisit this conversation. All right, I

<v Speaker 1>resume you don't want to be the person that's trauma bonding,

<v Speaker 1>and that's what's keeping you in a relationship.

<v Speaker 2>We've been through so much.

<v Speaker 1>Are you really gonna give up after all this time

<v Speaker 1>that we've been together. Oh my gosh, I can't believe.

<v Speaker 1>I can't believe you would even do something like that.

<v Speaker 1>If it's fragile, let it break and then also pick me.

<v Speaker 1>Behavior is usually rooted in watching woman in your life

<v Speaker 1>that have tolerated crumb behavior. So you've only seen examples

<v Speaker 1>of woman in your family being poorly treated. So you think, well,

<v Speaker 1>my grandfather spoke to my mom my grandmother like this,

<v Speaker 1>My father spoke to my mother like this.

<v Speaker 2>I seen my uncle speak to my aunt like this.

<v Speaker 2>So this is just what the dynasm is.

<v Speaker 1>This is like normal stuff, like you know, guys act

<v Speaker 1>like this like this is just what it is. Oh

<v Speaker 1>my gosh, you can't like be so picky. Whatever the

<v Speaker 1>case is. Now, you were not born a pick me.

<v Speaker 1>You were taught a love that is earned, all right.

<v Speaker 1>So if you're agreeable enough, sexual enough, flexible enough, quiet enough,

<v Speaker 1>he'll stay.

<v Speaker 2>That's how you earn that love. But here's the truth.

<v Speaker 1>If you have to be performative in a relationship and

<v Speaker 1>stretch yourself every which way but the right one, you

<v Speaker 1>will always feel like you are honestly unemployed in the

<v Speaker 1>relationship right like you're not quite there yet. You haven't

<v Speaker 1>earned the job. You haven't gotten it. That's what it

<v Speaker 1>feels like. And this is the thing. Let's talk about

<v Speaker 1>the subtle pick me that is in high value packaging.

<v Speaker 1>This is the part that not that many people talk about.

<v Speaker 1>Pick me energy doesn't always look loud. It looks like

<v Speaker 1>sometimes you're polished. Maybe you're also in church. Maybe you're

<v Speaker 1>soft spoken, but still you can overly spiritualize red flags.

<v Speaker 1>You can call potential purpose. You will accept confusion as well.

<v Speaker 1>This is just a part of the process. Maybe you'll

<v Speaker 1>stay because you also don't want to start over right.

<v Speaker 1>You may have these standards publicly, but you are definitely

<v Speaker 1>negotiating your standards privately. And that's dangerous because men will

<v Speaker 1>always sense pick me energy, trust me, ladies. The one

<v Speaker 1>thing that men do get right is smelling desperation from

<v Speaker 1>a mile away.

<v Speaker 2>Men have that in the bag.

<v Speaker 1>So I remember one time I was talking to this

<v Speaker 1>girl and she was like, Oh, I just feel like

<v Speaker 1>he doesn't know that I like him, and like I

<v Speaker 1>just don't want to be mean or anything like that.

<v Speaker 2>And I was like, how are you being mean? I

<v Speaker 2>don't understand.

<v Speaker 1>And she was overextending herself, trying to make herself seem

<v Speaker 1>so kind and so nice and so available.

<v Speaker 2>All this guy did was.

<v Speaker 1>Break up with her before they even really got together,

<v Speaker 1>and all these different things. And the jury is still

<v Speaker 1>out with that one. Because she is on a path,

<v Speaker 1>she thinks she's on a certain path, but that's neither

<v Speaker 1>here nor there. The point is I saw the genesis

<v Speaker 1>of the relationship, and I was like, this is not

<v Speaker 1>going to end well because she's the one spearheading the

<v Speaker 1>entire thing. And I could have swore she said that

<v Speaker 1>was the exact thing that she didn't like in her

<v Speaker 1>last relationship, But now she's in this relationship and she's

<v Speaker 1>pretty much doing the exact same thing. It is the

<v Speaker 1>same case with perhaps a different face. But I do

<v Speaker 1>feel in my gut that the guy that she was

<v Speaker 1>with genuinely feels like he knows he has her in

<v Speaker 1>the bag. But he will try and say certain things

<v Speaker 1>to her like oh, you know, why are you with me?

<v Speaker 2>Or whatever.

<v Speaker 1>Yeah, he's asking why are you with him? Because he's

<v Speaker 1>also trying to convince himself of why you're with him, too.

<v Speaker 1>And the thing about men is that they will resent

<v Speaker 1>you for the very reason why you're staying. So here

<v Speaker 1>you are thinking, oh, I'm staying with him because I

<v Speaker 1>want to show him I'm a real one. I'm a

<v Speaker 1>real woman. I'm not like superfessional like the other girls.

<v Speaker 1>I like totally, I'm really down for him, and I

<v Speaker 1>actually really left him. I don't care about money, like okay, yeah,

<v Speaker 1>tell yourself that continue paying for your own bills for

<v Speaker 1>the rest of your life. You know that emoji of

<v Speaker 1>Kim Kardashian with like the like man arms like, that's

<v Speaker 1>the definition of this.

<v Speaker 2>Yeah, it's it's giving like.

<v Speaker 1>I honestly it makes me laugh because I don't understand why.

<v Speaker 1>You know, people have these standards outwardly, but they do

<v Speaker 1>the exact opposite in their personal lives. And I don't

<v Speaker 1>understand that, especially me being somebody with the platform, like

<v Speaker 1>there is not a single thing that I do. One

<v Speaker 1>of the things that I'm very proud of is I

<v Speaker 1>am the same person on camera as I am off camera.

<v Speaker 1>Truly I am, and the people that are genuinely in

<v Speaker 1>my corner and that actually have known me for ten

<v Speaker 1>plus years can vouch for that. What I do not

<v Speaker 1>understand is how we are saying we want this to

<v Speaker 1>our friends, Oh, I want a guy that's going to

<v Speaker 1>do this in this thiss for me. But then as

<v Speaker 1>soon as you get an open window to be in

<v Speaker 1>a relationship, you go about it completely wrong, and then

<v Speaker 1>you have all these justifications for why it's why it

<v Speaker 1>has to go the way that you're going about it.

<v Speaker 1>You're trying to convince yourself, well, you know what I

<v Speaker 1>just think it's really important that I proved him that

<v Speaker 1>I like him and that I am interested, because sometimes

<v Speaker 1>I can have RBF and he might not think that

<v Speaker 1>I like him and I actually do.

<v Speaker 2>Are you okay? Like?

<v Speaker 1>I just need to know are you okay? A man

<v Speaker 1>knows the difference between oh, I need to work a

<v Speaker 1>little bit harder versus actually no, right, And even if

<v Speaker 1>the ones that the answer actually is no, they will

<v Speaker 1>still try.

<v Speaker 2>So has that ever stopped them?

<v Speaker 1>No?

<v Speaker 2>So you mean to tell.

<v Speaker 1>Me a man that's genuinely interested in you, he knows

<v Speaker 1>he's not ugly, Please shut up and stop that. You

<v Speaker 1>have to go out of your way to prove to

<v Speaker 1>him that like, oh like, I don't want my success

<v Speaker 1>to intimidate him, and you know, shut up.

<v Speaker 2>I don't want to hear it.

<v Speaker 1>Okay, I don't want to hear it because you're gonna

<v Speaker 1>end up paying the price in the end.

<v Speaker 2>Do you want this or not? If you want your

<v Speaker 2>life to change and you want a serious relationship, ladies,

<v Speaker 2>you were going to have to say no to ninety nine.

<v Speaker 1>Percent of the behaviors that you used to accept and

<v Speaker 1>allow in your in your life, and it's going to

<v Speaker 1>feel lonely. I'm not here to sell you a fantasy.

<v Speaker 1>It is going to feel lonely. You're gonna all of

<v Speaker 1>a sudden wake up and realize, oh my gosh, there

<v Speaker 1>are like five percent of the population if that is

<v Speaker 1>eligible for what it is that I see for myself.

<v Speaker 1>But guess what, if you truly want happiness genuinely in

<v Speaker 1>the end, this is how you have to go about it. Okay,

<v Speaker 1>you can't keep settling for crumbs and stumbling blocks along

<v Speaker 1>the way. Anyways, Like I said, men can feel pick

<v Speaker 1>me energy.

<v Speaker 2>They know it.

<v Speaker 1>They got you, they hooked you. It communicates to them

<v Speaker 1>very loudly. I do not believe that I'm the prize,

<v Speaker 1>so I need you to validate me in making me

<v Speaker 1>feel like I'm the prize. And once a man feels

<v Speaker 1>that way, oh the dynamic is gonna shift.

<v Speaker 2>Okay, so let's get specific.

<v Speaker 1>Pick me in dating is gonna look like driving to

<v Speaker 1>him every single time? Oh well, yeah, like I don't

<v Speaker 1>want I don't want him at my house because like,

<v Speaker 1>why would I why would I bring this guy to

<v Speaker 1>my house when first of all, no one even said

<v Speaker 1>to be going over houses because you've only been talking

<v Speaker 1>to this person on hinge for a week, so why

<v Speaker 1>are Well, I was just gonna drive him because I

<v Speaker 1>was gonna drive to him because he said he's gonna

<v Speaker 1>cook me a special dinner, and I've never had a

<v Speaker 1>man cook for me before, so I thought it was

<v Speaker 1>very romantic. Have you learned nothing? Okay, you're driving to

<v Speaker 1>him every single time? Oh well, he gets home like

<v Speaker 1>super late, and I just appreciate the fact that he's

<v Speaker 1>going out of his way to just even see me

<v Speaker 1>for an hour. And I know that we have a

<v Speaker 1>little bit of distance between us in terms of where

<v Speaker 1>we live, so you know, I just kind of wanted

<v Speaker 1>to make it easy for him because I don't want

<v Speaker 1>him to feel like, you know, he's always driving to me.

<v Speaker 2>I don't know why you care.

<v Speaker 1>I really don't, especially because you guys have not even

<v Speaker 1>established any sort of relationship. Once you're in a full

<v Speaker 1>relationship with that man, then it's like, okay, babe, I'll

<v Speaker 1>come to you whatever type the case is. But you're

<v Speaker 1>already making it easy in the beginning of the relationship.

<v Speaker 1>And now he realizes very quickly, well, I actually I

<v Speaker 1>was gonna drive to her, but I guess not. Wow,

<v Speaker 1>that was easy, And now the dynamic is shifting because

<v Speaker 1>now he's realizing, oh, this isn't a woman that I

<v Speaker 1>even want to chase because she does the work for me.

<v Speaker 1>So now you're going to end up in a passive

<v Speaker 1>reciprocation type of dynamic where you're in a relationship but

<v Speaker 1>the man is not really giving any effort or anything

<v Speaker 1>toward it because.

<v Speaker 2>Why does he have to?

<v Speaker 1>You know, then you're also paying half of the bill, okay,

<v Speaker 1>when he never even insists on even paying it, right,

<v Speaker 1>he never even insists on you paying it, And you're.

<v Speaker 2>Like, oh, no please, I got it. No please, because

<v Speaker 2>you paid the last time. Why do you have to

<v Speaker 2>pay again? Oh my gosh. No, I'm not one of

<v Speaker 2>those girls that like makes you pay. Yeah, no way, man,

<v Speaker 2>Are you okay? Are you well? Because this is the thing.

<v Speaker 1>I even saw one time this girl make a video

<v Speaker 1>and she was like, yeah, I am gonna pay for

<v Speaker 1>the date, especially if I don't like the guy, because

<v Speaker 1>I don't want to seem like I am just using him.

<v Speaker 2>For a dinner or whatever the case is.

<v Speaker 1>I don't understand that mentality. Men know that it is

<v Speaker 1>a risk. Love period is a risk to be in

<v Speaker 1>a relationship is a risk. That frisky behavior that you're

<v Speaker 1>doing under the sheets and no protection, that's also a risk.

<v Speaker 1>But yes, you are living your life doing it right. Okay,

<v Speaker 1>shut up here. You are doing risky things anyways with

<v Speaker 1>your emotions and your body.

<v Speaker 2>Right. So it's like, what really is this?

<v Speaker 1>Going on a simple date already tells me everything I

<v Speaker 1>need to know about you. You're going on a date

<v Speaker 1>and you're feeling like already, Well, how can I show

<v Speaker 1>him that?

<v Speaker 2>Like, I'm so grateful.

<v Speaker 1>I I owe him this, like you know, I because

<v Speaker 1>I wasn't feeling it. I need to pay you for

<v Speaker 1>the date because I feel guilty, or maybe I do

<v Speaker 1>like you and I feel like, oh I need to

<v Speaker 1>pay you for the date because I want you to

<v Speaker 1>know how thankful I am for your time. Okay, dude,

<v Speaker 1>all right man. Also, pick me dating looks like accepting

<v Speaker 1>last minute plans. This guy hits you up at six thirty,

<v Speaker 1>Hey are you around tonight?

<v Speaker 2>Oh oh my.

<v Speaker 1>Gosh, yeah I didn't. I didn't have any plans. Why

<v Speaker 1>but you have in mind? Oh well, I don't know.

<v Speaker 1>Maybe we can like grab a bite for eight forty five.

<v Speaker 2>Sure.

<v Speaker 1>Yeah, I'm just so surprised that you have like a

<v Speaker 1>free schedule, Like I didn't know that, like because normally

<v Speaker 1>we don't like hangout on this day. So uh yeah, okay,

<v Speaker 1>I'll meet you there, you know, and here you are.

<v Speaker 1>This man hits you up the day of like men

<v Speaker 1>know their plans, like please stop, and you're like, oh

<v Speaker 1>well sure, ready to serve myself on a platter for you,

<v Speaker 1>telling you you have to train men in a relationship

<v Speaker 1>and if they fall off along the process, then even

<v Speaker 1>better because it means you've eliminated the trash or the

<v Speaker 1>trash has eliminated itself, okay, or let me be nice,

<v Speaker 1>what's not aligned has already shown itself to be misaligned,

<v Speaker 1>so you can proceed and move on.

<v Speaker 2>Okay.

<v Speaker 1>Where we go wrong is we are so like, oh

<v Speaker 1>my gosh, I have to make this work. I have

<v Speaker 1>to make this work because I really like this guy.

<v Speaker 1>I don't want to read into it.

<v Speaker 2>I don't know.

<v Speaker 1>I feel like this is a red flag, but like

<v Speaker 1>I just want to I need more data to back

<v Speaker 1>up what I'm seeing. And then once the once the

<v Speaker 1>dynamic shifts, it never returns back to its original form.

<v Speaker 1>So if you're accepting last minute plans, that tells him, oh,

<v Speaker 1>so I don't have to go out of my way

<v Speaker 1>to plan any sort of day for you. Also, being

<v Speaker 1>exclusive without any sort of commitment, I'm quite frankly, I

<v Speaker 1>am done with these talking stages. And it's like we're

<v Speaker 1>having a million stages. There's a talking stage, a walking stage,

<v Speaker 1>a skipping stage, a running stage.

<v Speaker 2>A maybe stage. I'm considering you stage like I'm tired.

<v Speaker 2>I'm tired. I'm tired of it.

<v Speaker 1>Let's grow up here, all right, get the Gerber plan

<v Speaker 1>and grow up? What's happening over here? You mean to

<v Speaker 1>tell me that as adults, I don't want to hear.

<v Speaker 1>I understand the term being exclusive, because that's important. You

<v Speaker 1>need to know whether or not. Hey, this is me

<v Speaker 1>and you.

<v Speaker 2>We're giving it. This is a fair shot.

<v Speaker 1>But there shouldn't be a million stages before you finally

<v Speaker 1>get to boyfriend and girlfriend?

<v Speaker 2>Are you five? Okay?

<v Speaker 1>What is happening? So you're being exclusive to a man

<v Speaker 1>with no commitment. Well he said that we're only together. Yeah,

<v Speaker 1>but he said that seven months ago. You guys have

<v Speaker 1>been exclusive for seven months and he still doesn't know yet.

<v Speaker 2>What You're not his girlfriend? Well, what do you mean

<v Speaker 2>I'm not his girlfriend? Of course, I'm his girlfriend.

<v Speaker 1>We're obviously exclusive to each other. No, no, no, no, no, sweetie,

<v Speaker 1>you need to hear out of that man, that man's

<v Speaker 1>mouth the consent that he is your boyfriend. He needs

<v Speaker 1>to ask you if you are his girlfriend, because you

<v Speaker 1>know what that does. It brings clarity and it defines

<v Speaker 1>the terms. If the terms are not defined, then you're

<v Speaker 1>will be deceived because confusion breeds and ambiguity. All right,

<v Speaker 1>then you have the this is just a tale's oldest time.

<v Speaker 1>You're hoping that sex is going to secure the guy.

<v Speaker 1>It never does. Okay, you have a better shot at

<v Speaker 1>being a better cook. Maybe that will secure him, but

<v Speaker 1>through your body that will not do it. And what

<v Speaker 1>do you do when you give your best card? Now

<v Speaker 1>you have nothing else to pull. So now you're left

<v Speaker 1>to doing clownstork as antics. All right, let's move on.

<v Speaker 1>Then you're also saying things are fine when they're absolutely not.

<v Speaker 1>Oh no, I don't mind that. No, uh, please, don't

<v Speaker 1>even worry about it. You don't have to explain why

<v Speaker 1>you got to me for seven days. I totally understand

<v Speaker 1>when you need space from people because I need to

<v Speaker 1>withdraw myself sometimes. Well, okay, anyway, my favorite, I don't

<v Speaker 1>want to make it seem like I'm asking for too much,

<v Speaker 1>too much for who A man who is not aligned

<v Speaker 1>will always think you're too much. Let's just leave that

<v Speaker 1>right there. The right man will think that you are

<v Speaker 1>worth rising to the occasion for remember that, right And

<v Speaker 1>this is the thing. Men will always respect the woman

<v Speaker 1>who require effort. Look at the men like Steve Harvey

<v Speaker 1>who openly talk about how they how men.

<v Speaker 2>Value who they invest in.

<v Speaker 1>And that doesn't mean three slate us steak and lobster dinners, babe.

<v Speaker 2>Effort is what creates the attachment.

<v Speaker 1>Remember that effort creates the attachment, not your body, not

<v Speaker 1>this fake rule of after three dates then you know,

<v Speaker 1>like I give you that because he said you need

<v Speaker 1>to have more self control. All right, all right, you

<v Speaker 1>need to if you want to secure the bag. You

<v Speaker 1>want to secure a man in a relationship. A man

<v Speaker 1>does not even need to sleep with you to see

<v Speaker 1>that you are the woman that he wants to marry.

<v Speaker 1>Oh that's a hot take right there. Investment is what

<v Speaker 1>creates value and accessibility without having the desernment is going

<v Speaker 1>to create familiarity. And then when the filing, when familiarity

<v Speaker 1>happens without effort. That's where it breeds disrespect. So let's

<v Speaker 1>bring it home biblically. Right, you were chosen first, okay,

<v Speaker 1>before any man, before any relationship. You were chosen by God.

<v Speaker 1>So you have to look at woman and even like

<v Speaker 1>Esther in the Bible, Esther did not chase the king. Okay,

<v Speaker 1>she was prepared, She positioned herself, she maintained dignity. Her

<v Speaker 1>identity wasn't in being picked, it was in being obedient.

<v Speaker 1>So when you're a pick misha, it says, choose me

<v Speaker 1>so I can feel valuable. But faith says, well, I'm

<v Speaker 1>already chosen by God, right, so I move like a

<v Speaker 1>valuable woman. Already he that finds a wife. Some of

<v Speaker 1>you need to write that on your mirror, Okay. So

<v Speaker 1>when you truly understand that God's will cannot miss you,

<v Speaker 1>God's will cannot miss you, you will stop trying to

<v Speaker 1>secure what is not secured for you. Right, being a

<v Speaker 1>pick me will always cost you your peace, your clarity,

<v Speaker 1>your self respect, your time and sometimes years. And the

<v Speaker 1>worst of it all is that it delays the woman

<v Speaker 1>that you were supposed to become. What a tragedy. So

<v Speaker 1>because you're too busy managing a man. You have mismanaging

<v Speaker 1>your own evolution. But here's the good news. Okay, you

<v Speaker 1>can outgrow the pick me out energy. I'm here to

<v Speaker 1>save you for a second. You don't have to shame yourself.

<v Speaker 1>You do not have You just have to choose differently.

<v Speaker 2>Okay.

<v Speaker 1>Being a quality queen means that you are not going

<v Speaker 1>to be competing. You were going to be attracting. And

<v Speaker 1>in order for you to attract, you have to embody.

<v Speaker 1>You have to become. It is an identity shift. You

<v Speaker 1>do not beg you observe right, You do not convince.

<v Speaker 1>You require simple as that. You do not chase clarity.

<v Speaker 1>You walk away from confusion. And if a man leaves

<v Speaker 1>you because of your standards, he was never your husband.

<v Speaker 1>He was just another lesson. Not being a pick me

<v Speaker 1>isn't about being cold. It's about being anchored all right,

<v Speaker 1>in your boundaries, in your faith, all the things. So

<v Speaker 1>you can be soft, you can be loving, you can

<v Speaker 1>be nurturing, but not at the expense of yourself. And

<v Speaker 1>when you stop trying to be chosen, you become undeniably

<v Speaker 1>the girl, all right, undeniably equality queen. Okay, I hope

<v Speaker 1>you guys have enjoyed this podcast. Send this to a

<v Speaker 1>friend that you feel like needs to hear this. Rate

<v Speaker 1>this podcast five stars. Also hype this video up. If

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<v Speaker 1>make sure you hype the video up. It helps us

<v Speaker 1>to get back into the algorithm. We have a new goal, guys,

<v Speaker 1>of getting two hundred and fifty thousand subscribers.

<v Speaker 2>So teamwork makes the dream work.

<v Speaker 1>We have so much exciting things on the way for you, guys,

<v Speaker 1>so thank you for taking time to watch me to

<v Speaker 1>listen to me today. With that being said, do not

<v Speaker 1>forget that I love you and God loves you. I'll

<v Speaker 1>speak to you, beautiful angels in my next video