All right.
Let's talk all things 4th of July.
Now, when we go into the 4th of July holiday, we're thinking this
is gonna be fun and sparklers and easy and fireworks and pictures and
boating and swimsuits and hot dogs.
But if you're divorced, there's gonna be a few of that, plus
a lot of fights and arguments.
And a lot of tension and possibly someone trying to change your holiday.
Now, there's a lot of emotions around this because it is the summertime.
It's usually around a vacation sometimes, and it's late at night,
which makes some people nervous because we have parties and we have alcohol.
For some co-parents, that is one of the reasons they got divorced.
So we're gonna dive into the common mistakes that I see all the time in
parenting plans written by mediators and attorneys where they just fail
their clients, they fall short.
On not providing the right wording, which then creates all of this dialogue
between co-parents right around a holiday.
And if you have the kind of co-parent that a lot of us have of high conflict,
that co-parent doesn't wanna work with you until July 3rd on the holiday.
They're not gonna talk to you early.
Back when you contacted them in June and you were trying to finalize some
details 'cause you read it ahead of time and you noticed there were some
mistakes or some things left out.
You're panicking and you reached out to them in June, but they do
not respond back to you probably until July 3rd, if not July 4th.
So we're gonna run through some of these, and again, I want you to
look at your parenting plan or the parenting plan that your attorney is
trying to get you to sign, or if you are building a parenting plan and
you're gonna want help for my team.
These are some key things to watch out for.
First and foremost, the example is 4th of July shall be
alternated each year from 6:00 PM.
Two 9:00 PM and I shit you not.
That is an actual quote from one of the parenting plans that I have
read from an attorney's office.
So Larry is doing you dirty by putting in that.
Now let's just run through the basics of why that is wrong.
Number one, who only wants their kids for three hours for a holiday?
I mean, I don't.
I mean, it's like three hours or nothing.
I would rather nothing, and really I would, because three hours is
not enough time for my kids to transition their personalities, right?
'cause we all know in high conflict co-parenting dynamics, our children
have different personalities.
And when they jump from one parent to the other, especially on a quick
transfer like that of just three hours, there's not a lot of times for our
kids to settle in their personalities.
Number two, the fireworks happen at night.
So what are we doing here?
Nine o'clock is basically right at start time.
So I'm not even getting to actually have my kids watch fireworks with me
because I have to transition them back.
Right.
And so the other thing is just the parents don't really have a way to do
that if they've been drinking as well.
So if you've been drinking during the day and you've been hanging out
and now at six o'clock you gotta go pick up your kids, or at nine
o'clock you have to have them back.
So this short amount of time, I'm telling you is not worth it.
So a lot of parenting plans will have, one parent has them during the day and
one parent has them during the night.
For me, if you've been around for a long time, you know I
am just not about that life.
It's either all or nothing, and we just alternate every other year and
we'll get into some examples of what would be better here at the end.
But example number two that a Larry the lawyer is gonna do you dirty on is
they're just going to put the wording in there that simply just says, 4th
of July shall be alternated annually.
Now I know a good percentage of you listening, this is what you have.
You have that every other year, even an odd, you get the kids.
That's it.
It should be alternated annually.
And that's all it says.
But the problem with that is there's no start time.
Well, does it start on July 4th at nine in the morning or five o'clock at night?
There's no end time.
Am I bringing the kids back?
Are they spending the night?
Do I have to return them?
So the overnight not being addressed is going to create tension and arguments.
Now, I'm just gonna jump in here real quick and just say this.
If you're one of those parents listening and you're early on in
your journey and you're gonna say something like, Sam, we'll just
do what's best for the situation.
Sam, we get along right now, so we'll probably just talk to each other.
I don't know why that's so hard.
Well, let me just tell you, Stacy, you might not always get along.
You might not always get along with your ex-husband's new
girlfriend, AKA, his new wife.
The things might change in the future.
So best bet that you're asked better have a better detailed plan for when all
hell breaks loose and we're not getting along anymore, that we have a structured
plan for the 4th of July, right?
So parents will end up arguing down the road about when
will these exchanges happen.
I'm telling you, this is a single sentence underneath the whole 4th of July.
This is all it says is this.
One sentence, 4th of July shall be alternated annually.
It doesn't say anything else.
So when you presume that it's an all day thing, your ex can presume that it's not.
And now here we are arguing and we all know when we argue about
something, what ends up happening.
We either spend money with an attorney to argue it out or we argue with
our ex. Both things I don't wanna be doing because both things are gonna
have a domino effect damaging our child because I am all stressed out.
I am worried.
I am anxious, I'm spending money on something I didn't think I needed
to because I had a sentence in there that made sense at the time, but
I hadn't used that sentence yet.
And that's what I'm here to tell you guys.
A lot of the things that you are writing or listening to your attorney
write in to your parenting plan.
They all sound great until you try to use them Like this sentence,
you're like, Hey, it's 4th of July.
In there.
You read through that parenting plan real quick before you sign it and you're like,
yes, 4th of July, we're gonna alternate.
You're like, whew, good.
It's in there.
I won't have to worry about it.
And then here comes the 4th of July.
And you try to actually use that sentence and you're thinking
logically, well, he knows.
We go to my mom's, you know, second cabin, by the lake every 4th of July.
He knows we leave the night before.
Why won't he just let me have the children the night before?
Well, Stacey doesn't say you get the children the night before.
Actually, Stacey doesn't even say what the hell time you do?
Get the children.
So don't presume that just because you've done something in the past
that your ex is gonna be like, oh yeah, keep doing that thing.
Go ahead, take the kids on the third.
You know what?
Matter of fact, don't bring 'em back till the fifth.
You're full of shit.
If you think you're high conflict ex or just your ex in general or
your ex's new, significant other is going to allow that shit.
You guys have to have definitive times of when your time starts, and please,
for the love of God, stop believing that when you have a 2-year-old and
you get divorced, that you and your ex are gonna be friends for 16 years.
You're telling me for 16 years.
You guys are gonna get along.
You're gonna be on the same page, you're gonna have the same mindset.
You're both gonna put the child's best interest first for 16 years.
We're talking about period cycles.
We're talking about menopause.
We're talking about job loss.
We're talking about depression, we're talking about all kind third
parties entering the picture.
All kinds of shit can happen in 16 years.
You think a piss poor written sentence is gonna be, eh?
We'll work it out.
No, you won't.
You're gonna spend money on an attorney to fix it later, or you're gonna argue
which is gonna damage your children.
I'm telling you from experience example number three that I see again all the time
written by Larry, the lawyer who's just trying to be a loser and screw you over.
The child will spend 4th of July with parent A in E, even years,
and parent B and odd years.
Now again, if you haven't used this sentence before and you're
just scanning through the document and you're like, that looks good.
That looks good.
Oh good.
They included 4th of July.
I get even years.
The other parent gets odd years.
I'm good.
The problem with this is the same thing as the other problem.
There's no transportation plan.
Who's picking up who's dropping off?
Well, what if the child's already with parent A?
Well, good.
They just stay with parent A. But what if they were with parent B?
Who's bringing them and who's picking them up.
Now again, I know you're listening and you're saying, Sam, this sounds so
stupid that we would argue about this.
Uh, welcome to why I have a business.
That's literally the reason why I have a business is because, yes,
it sounds very easy and logical.
If you have the children, go drop them off.
Or if you want the children, go pick them up.
But do you see how there's options there?
We will argue about those options because there's people's egos and personalities
that get in the way of simple things.
So there needs to be who picks up and who drops off.
Is this an overnight, you guys fireworks typically, correct me if I'm wrong,
don't usually get over till like 10 30, 11 o'clock and then by the time
we get in the car and we deal with traffic, I mean, what the hell guys?
We're not getting home till midnight for some of us.
I live down in southern Alabama.
We went to the 4th of July on the beach.
Never will do that shit again, ever in my life.
It took us two hours to leave the restaurant.
We watched the fireworks on the water to get back to our beach house.
Two hours.
It is literally four miles, four.
Because of the traffic.
Now, if I was in a co-parenting situation in that I would've been
panicking, I would've been sweating, I would've been freaking out.
And what I probably would've done knowing my anxiety level, is I probably
would've left halfway through the fireworks to try to beat the crowd.
So I would've said, Hey kids, we gotta go.
Hey, I know, I know, but our plan says that I have to have you back by 10.
So I know, I know the fire.
I know we'll watch 'em from the car.
Let's go.
Come on, get your shit.
We gotta go.
Let's go.
There's gonna be traffic.
We have to avoid it.
So while we've waited all day for the fireworks, my anxiety would take over
and then I'd have to rip my kids from the fireworks going and going over the water.
So pretty, nobody else is fucking leaving.
But I have to leave because I have to be able to get in
the car to return my children.
And I'm telling you, if I sound crazy, remember this face?
I told you so.
Okay.
So when it comes to this one, again, all the same reasons why.
The last example was piss poor, but just another reason is transportation.
Who's picking up who's dropping off?
Or is it an overnight?
Now I'm just gonna give you a little spoiler.
When I build parenting plans for people, 'cause that's what I do, we
always include it as an overnight.
I don't want my ex drinking and driving.
I don't want my ex really on the road with my children.
So I'm gonna say, Hey, wherever you get to keep them, stay the night in your area.
Don't be trying to go across town or three towns over to deliver them back to me.
So it's an overnight for me, I talk my clients into that.
It's just safer for everybody.
Now the example number four is something that's not really said.
It's the thing that's left out.
So it's a clause that is left out of parenting plans, and
it's this holiday parenting time takes priority over vacation.
Let me break this down because again, sometimes when you hear
these sentences you're like, I don't even know what that sentence means.
Okay, lemme break it down for you.
It means that your holiday schedule, every holiday that is yours takes precedence,
meaning more priority over a vacation.
And a vacation takes priority over your parenting time.
So it should be listed somewhere in your parenting plan, and a lot of
Larry's will forget it intentionally.
So you have to call Larry back and say, Hey, this parent's
saying that I can't do this.
Well, it's not in your parenting plan that you can, so now let me call his office.
Let me call him and see what he has to say.
And now I'm billable hours.
Larry's getting me ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.
Billable hours.
Billable hours, because I don't have a sentence that I should
have had in my parenting plan.
So when people don't include this in their parenting plan, when Larry's leave
it out, then it's up for interpretation.
Can I book a vacation over someone's holiday?
Well, it doesn't say I can't.
Now us, you know, logical brain people were like, but don't do that.
You know, 4th of July is my holiday.
Why did you book a vacation?
But there's nothing in the parenting plan saying that high conflict parent
can't take a vacation over the holiday.
Now that sounds stupid.
It, it does.
It sounds really stupid that someone would think they could take a holiday from me.
'cause then why wouldn't I just book a vacation over Christmas?
Well, actually nothing's saying you can't in your parenting plan.
I mean, one would argue to play dumb and say, oh, I didn't know.
So for me, the sentence, it's holiday parenting time takes priority
over vacation, meaning you cannot book a vacation over my 4th of
July, and so many people try it.
Now I'm gonna give you a spoiler because it's just who I am.
In our parenting plan.
We actually have 4th of July, start on the third and go to the fifth.
Why?
Why do we do such a long time for the 4th of July?
Because I know M Fers and that's who they are.
I think I know Effer parents who will book a vacation up until July 4th,
return flight in the morning, and then somehow their flight got canceled.
Somehow they didn't make the plane.
Somehow their flight got delayed.
they didn't, you know, their Uber didn't get them to the airport on time, and now
they have the children on the 4th of July.
I have had, in over the 10 years I've been doing this, so
many parents lose a holiday.
There wasn't buffer time built in and parents will be late
getting back from a vacation.
Oh, there was an accident.
Oh, there was severe traffic.
You wouldn't believe the excuses I have heard over the years as to why my
client didn't get their 4th of July.
So I'm telling you right now, you don't wanna put your kids in the middle of
this, of having to answer the question.
Well, I know.
I know it's your dad's 4th of July, but I wanna take you on vacation.
Don't you wanna go on vacation over just staying around for one day of fireworks?
And parents literally feel it's their right to change the schedule.
So I'm telling you right now, if you have those examples in your parenting
plan, you need to fix them before you sign, fix them, or have my team write
it for you and we'll take care of it.
So these are the things I want you to consider when writing
your 4th of July clause.
First and foremost, number one, make it an overnight.
I don't care if you don't start on the third, I prefer you start the holiday
on the third and end on the fifth.
But if anything, start early on the fourth and end on the fifth.
You should have times, what time on the fourth are you receiving the
children and how and what time are they coming back or are returning to you?
or being sent back on the fifth?
What are the times, and I'm talking specific times.
Now, let's not be crazy here.
Our kids were up late at night.
They were up till 11, 12 o'clock probably for the fireworks.
So that means I probably don't want a 7:00 AM return time on the fifth.
Let's be smart about this, okay?
Think of a logical time to help you out, but I truly believe this holiday
needs to be an overnight, okay?
Consider how to interact with vacations.
Again, that stipulation that I just said about vacations are second to any holiday.
All right, third and fourth mode, please don't split the day.
heard me talk about this excessively about how I hate the fact that children
have to spend half a holiday with one parent and half a holiday with another.
And if you know anything about the way the 4th of July runs now is every town
is doing fireworks on a different night.
You got some towns that do 'em on July 1st.
You got some that do 'em.
You know, the weekend before, the weekend after.
You can catch fireworks on the fifth.
You can really take your kids to fireworks at any point in time.
So remember that it's not about splitting that day with your kids because a
lot of people are drinking that day.
A lot of people are on the road drunk.
We don't wanna be transporting our kids any more than we have to on that day.
And not to mention, it's really hard from kids to maybe be out with
friends and neighbors or cousins or family, and they're all playing
at the lake and they're, partying at the park, whatever it is.
And then you ring the bell.
Hey, hurry up, say your goodbyes.
We gotta go.
I gotta get you to your dad's at two.
You know, you only had a couple hours with me.
Now you gotta go back to your dad's at two.
'cause we're dumb asses and we split the day in half because you
know, we both wanted to see you.
So yes, say goodbye to all your cousins and all your neighbor
friends and you having a good time.
I know we were gonna do, you know, water balloons, but we don't have time.
You gotta go.
It's almost two.
Do you know what it'd be like to be a kid?
I'll tell you, I have two kids that had to do that shit.
We split every holiday in the middle of the fucking day.
Do you know what it's like to have to see your kids having an absolute
fucking blast and then have to stop because it's two o'clock?
And they'll say Shit like this.
They'll say, but none of our cousins have to leave.
Why do we have to leave?
Oh, because your mommy and daddy got a divorce and we decided to
put two o'clock as an asinine time to split the day in half.
I don't care if it's five o'clock you guys.
Kids don't wanna leave and be outcasted for being the divorcee kids.
They just don't.
Now, to the fucking Stacey in the comment section, I know already
who's gonna say something like this?
I deserve to see my children over the holidays, so we will
be splitting the holiday.
Cool Stacey, good luck with your kids.
Good luck explaining that.
And here's the other deal.
It's not about you, Stacy.
It's about the kids and them having the least amount of impact from this divorce.
That's what this is about.
It's not about you.
It's really not.
It's actually about making the kids comfortable.
So I really want you to think about how that will feel as that kiddo, okay?
As that kiddo.
That's the important thing here.
So the next part, think about the exchange time and the safety.
Again, think about that time of, do you want.
That time to be early in the morning that you receive the kids
on the fourth and then early in the morning again on the fifth.
Or do you want like a nine to nine?
Really consider a safety plan.
I want you to be thinking about those on the road.
What are they like?
What have they been doing?
Okay?
It's really important to consider that when you are building this.
All right, so some key thoughts that I want you to take away.
A good parenting plan doesn't just divide the time, it
anticipates real life situations.
So some of the things I've said today I hope, have triggered you into believing
that it's not just about having 4th of July down, but what does it say?
Is it practical?
Is it something that I can actually use?
The 4th of July is a perfect holiday where those details really do matter
because the holiday isn't just a morning thing like Christmas.
It isn't just, you know, Memorial Day where you can just go have a
hot dog at noon and call it quits.
We have some nighttime activities, so things to kind of help you get
more ideas about my parenting plan.
Make sure you go back and watch episode 14.
Where we talk about holiday schedule mistakes, and then episode 25, vacation
clauses, I really want you to pay attention to that one as well because all
of those are kind of included into this.
Now, again, this is your parenting plan.
That's what we have to remember here.
It's your parenting plan that you are building for your future with
your children, with your ex in mind.
So if any of that scares you, you wanna make sure you listen to advice from
somebody that's actually lived this life.
Not somebody that's wrote a parenting plan for years, but
somebody that's actually used one.
Okay.
I want somebody that anybody can tell me a review of a pickup truck.
Well, you know, it says here that it has this and it has this, and
it has this, it gets this many miles per gallon, blah, blah, blah.
Yeah.
But have you drove one?
Well, no, but I, can read what it, I want somebody that's been behind the wheel.
I want somebody that's owned one for three or four years.
Those would really like to drive that truck.
This is no different.
I'm not taking advice from a Larry who has been pushing out the same
parenting plan and keeps having people come back for modifications.
That would be one of my questions that I would ask Larry during my consultation.
Hey bud.
How many people have you had come back for modifications on the
parenting plan that you've written?
' cause it wasn't very good.
These are the things that I want you to think about when you are
writing that parenting plan.
Consider what the 4th of July says.
Don't just read one sentence.
It should have way more detail than that.
And use this episode to help you.