<v Speaker 1>People really do come into your life and there's something

<v Speaker 1>that they admire about you and want to be around

<v Speaker 1>that light, and then they end up despising you for

<v Speaker 1>the very same thing because they only wanted to be

<v Speaker 1>next to it so that they can try and be it. Hey, babe,

<v Speaker 1>it's Asia Christina. This is Quality Queen Control.

<v Speaker 2>What is happening? Hello?

<v Speaker 1>Hello, Hello, how is everybody feeling? Welcome back to Quality

<v Speaker 1>Queen Control Podcast. Welcome to the Quality Queen Control Podcast.

<v Speaker 1>If this is your first time seeing me, Hi, my

<v Speaker 1>name is Asha Christina Foster. Very nice to meet you.

<v Speaker 1>Thank you for spending some time with me, for listening

<v Speaker 1>to me.

<v Speaker 2>I love it.

<v Speaker 1>You guys are the best, Okay, And obviously we know

<v Speaker 1>on this platform, on this podcast we never gatekeep. So

<v Speaker 1>if you happen to hear something or see an episode

<v Speaker 1>that you really love, make sure that you share it.

<v Speaker 1>If you have the option to hype this video up

<v Speaker 1>if you're seeing it. I need like a band of

<v Speaker 1>us to like make a pact where we are going

<v Speaker 1>to hype up every video that we see of mine.

<v Speaker 2>Uh huh. It will be greatly appreciated because this will get.

<v Speaker 1>Us continuously into the algorithm and more eyes people will

<v Speaker 1>see us and we can, you know, just be the

<v Speaker 1>a team. Okay, just be as awesome as we need

<v Speaker 1>to be so that we are helping girls around the

<v Speaker 1>world and men's too. All right, So you guys are

<v Speaker 1>here because we're going to be talking about how to

<v Speaker 1>tell if someone doesn't like you and the psychology of that.

<v Speaker 1>And I think this is one of the most dangerous

<v Speaker 1>things that we can do, is ignore what our body

<v Speaker 1>is simply trying to tell us about people. I understand

<v Speaker 1>that when you first get into a dynamic like this,

<v Speaker 1>it's actually difficult to come to terms with and accept

<v Speaker 1>because you're almost in denial when you experience your first

<v Speaker 1>situation where it's like, Okay, am I reading too much

<v Speaker 1>into this? Or does this person just absolutely do not

<v Speaker 1>like me? And before your mind begins to create a story,

<v Speaker 1>your nervous system has probably already made that decision. It

<v Speaker 1>already knows whether or not a person is going to

<v Speaker 1>be safe, It already knows whether or not a person

<v Speaker 1>actually doesn't like you. So we're going to be placing

<v Speaker 1>an emphasis on how to tell someone doesn't like you psychologically,

<v Speaker 1>specifically in friendships. So there's a concept in psychology that

<v Speaker 1>your brain is constantly scanning for safety, right, So it's

<v Speaker 1>not just the physical safety, it's also the emotional safety.

<v Speaker 1>So when someone doesn't like you, your body's going to

<v Speaker 1>be picking up on these micro signals, like when their

<v Speaker 1>tone starts to shift, when they it feels like they're

<v Speaker 1>being very cold. There isn't a there's no warmth there,

<v Speaker 1>there's a lack of warmth. There's like these subtle, little

<v Speaker 1>dismissive sort of undertone or maybe digs, and then there's

<v Speaker 1>like forced politeness irritating. Okay, so you may not consciously

<v Speaker 1>be clocking it, but you feel it, and that's what

<v Speaker 1>makes it even harder and confusing at first. Okay, this

<v Speaker 1>should not be happening to you over and over and

<v Speaker 1>over again. But when you first clock this, you're going

<v Speaker 1>to realize like, Okay, this feels weird, even though I

<v Speaker 1>can't quite put my finger on what I'm feeling. Then

<v Speaker 1>there's that slight tension that's in your chest and that

<v Speaker 1>feeling of overthinking after every interaction that you have with

<v Speaker 1>that person. We've all been there, or there's this need

<v Speaker 1>to sort of adjust yourself around them because you're trying

<v Speaker 1>to filter through filter what you're saying to them, or

<v Speaker 1>how you come off, what your appearance is like, like

<v Speaker 1>it's just anxiety, and that anxiety is not there for

<v Speaker 1>no reason.

<v Speaker 2>It is information, it is data.

<v Speaker 1>So there are subtle behavioral signs, like people are rarely

<v Speaker 1>ever going to tell you I actually just do not

<v Speaker 1>like you. They're going to show you that they do

<v Speaker 1>not like you. They may not always tell you, but baby,

<v Speaker 1>they will show you that.

<v Speaker 2>They don't like you.

<v Speaker 1>When people like you, they will naturally mirror your energy,

<v Speaker 1>your tone, even your body language. Right, But when they don't, hmm,

<v Speaker 1>there is a big disconnect. The conversation is gonna feel off.

<v Speaker 1>It's not really flowing.

<v Speaker 2>You know. I heard someone say this the other day.

<v Speaker 1>They said, anytime you have to constantly defend your character

<v Speaker 1>to someone, it just simply means that person doesn't like you,

<v Speaker 1>and whether that person's able to articulate it or not.

<v Speaker 2>Like I just said, people.

<v Speaker 1>Will rarely tell you that they do not like you,

<v Speaker 1>but they will always show you that they do not

<v Speaker 1>like you. So there's usually low emotional investment. It's like

<v Speaker 1>people will respond, but they're not necessarily gonna engage with you.

<v Speaker 1>You're gonna leave conversations, feeling like, why do I feel

<v Speaker 1>kind of empty after talking to them? Why do I

<v Speaker 1>feel like I don't feel secure that they are not

<v Speaker 1>going to take this conversation to somewhere else. Why do

<v Speaker 1>I feel like we're like fighting even though we're not

<v Speaker 1>really in an argument. All that like uncomfortability that you're

<v Speaker 1>sitting with. It's because they're not emotionally investing in you,

<v Speaker 1>That's what it really is. And then there's this passive

<v Speaker 1>distance right where they're not going to be openly mean

<v Speaker 1>to you, but they're going to not really ever fully

<v Speaker 1>be present. So this means they're probably not going to

<v Speaker 1>be reaching out, they're probably not going to be including

<v Speaker 1>you in anything, and they're not really going to do

<v Speaker 1>things that tend to deepen the connection. All Right, it's

<v Speaker 1>like polite distance. And that's the truth, because I'll be

<v Speaker 1>honest with you. This is where I've noticed now being

<v Speaker 1>an adult. I realize when I actually do not like someone,

<v Speaker 1>and I realize I don't naturally want to reach out

<v Speaker 1>to them. I realize I don't naturally want to include

<v Speaker 1>them in things. They're not the top person that comes

<v Speaker 1>to my mind. And I also don't have a desire

<v Speaker 1>to deepen my connection with that person because I'm realizing, like,

<v Speaker 1>the truth is, I actually just don't like you. So

<v Speaker 1>these things that I would naturally do with someone else

<v Speaker 1>that I do like, I'm not doing it with you

<v Speaker 1>because I just don't like you.

<v Speaker 2>Right.

<v Speaker 1>It is a polite distance, right, but polite distance is

<v Speaker 1>absolutely still distance. So then there's something called micro dismissals, right,

<v Speaker 1>And this is a big one in friendships, where it's

<v Speaker 1>like talk someone's talking over you all the time. They're

<v Speaker 1>not acknowledging any of your wins, they're changing the subject

<v Speaker 1>anytime you share something that's important to you. And this

<v Speaker 1>has actually happened to me. And I remember a friend

<v Speaker 1>of mine, we were talking about a mutual friend that

<v Speaker 1>we you know, noticed that this person would always be

<v Speaker 1>talking oh for me every time I would say something.

<v Speaker 1>And I actually didn't think too much of it until

<v Speaker 1>I started to you know what I mean. And then

<v Speaker 1>I remember my friend saying, you know what, it's just

<v Speaker 1>so weird that like so and so is always talking

<v Speaker 1>over you. I was like, wait, so it's not in

<v Speaker 1>my head. They are actually always talking over me. And

<v Speaker 1>they'll insert themselves in the middle of a conversation I'm

<v Speaker 1>having and start to talk about something they've done. Oh,

<v Speaker 1>oh my gosh, I just got this video of mine

<v Speaker 1>just went viral. Oh oh my gosh did and it's like, oh, okay.

<v Speaker 1>Like I'm like, it's so hard to want to just

<v Speaker 1>have a natural, happy response to something like that when

<v Speaker 1>you're already feeling weirdness between you and a person. It's like,

<v Speaker 1>by default, your support almost feels performative to you, even

<v Speaker 1>though you're not even a jealous person or you're whatever.

<v Speaker 1>It just feels like they're forcing you to have to

<v Speaker 1>show up for them in a certain capacity. But like

<v Speaker 1>I said, I totally understand, you know, where it was

<v Speaker 1>like the micro dismissals of someone trying to lurd over

<v Speaker 1>you or really like not really acknowledging your wins or

<v Speaker 1>changing the subject anytime it's like about something you're doing. Yeah,

<v Speaker 1>there are subtle cues of disinterest always or even quiet resentment,

<v Speaker 1>and those are the main things, right, And then there's

<v Speaker 1>friendship rejection, and that is harder to process, I would argue,

<v Speaker 1>than romantic rejection because there's no actual clear like breakup, right,

<v Speaker 1>So what happens is you tend to stay in this

<v Speaker 1>gray area in these types of friendship dynamics and connections

<v Speaker 1>where you feel tolerated but you're not really valued in

<v Speaker 1>the friendship, or you're constantly questioning yourself in the friendship,

<v Speaker 1>like is this person of my friend? Did they really

<v Speaker 1>mean what they said when they did when they said that?

<v Speaker 1>Did they mean what they did when they did that?

<v Speaker 1>You keep trying to earn closeness with a in person,

<v Speaker 1>but you're never going to achieve it, and that's just

<v Speaker 1>the truth. Like so many times in friendship dynamics, like

<v Speaker 1>it feels so uncomfortable when there's nothing overtly going on,

<v Speaker 1>but it's an undertone that you can always feel like,

<v Speaker 1>I just don't think that this is working out, and

<v Speaker 1>it is very difficult to sit there and call it.

<v Speaker 1>So you do get in these gray areas where you

<v Speaker 1>find yourself kind of just going with the flow and

<v Speaker 1>accepting whatever's happening, but you're not really there and you can't.

<v Speaker 1>You don't want to be the first person to bring

<v Speaker 1>it up because you don't want to make it seem

<v Speaker 1>like you're starting something. They're not even paying attention to

<v Speaker 1>you most likely and thinking nothing of the dynamic, and

<v Speaker 1>it's just like letting it kind of die down, but

<v Speaker 1>it rarely ever dies down. It ends up turning into

<v Speaker 1>this like weird dynamic where it's like, Okay, you stop

<v Speaker 1>inviting the person, or you stop being invited, or you

<v Speaker 1>just start to notice that like all of a sudden

<v Speaker 1>it comes to a head where one little minute disagreement

<v Speaker 1>then turns into okay. So this is we're getting to

<v Speaker 1>the meat and potatoes here of why you actually have

<v Speaker 1>a problem with me?

<v Speaker 2>Are you guys picking up what I'm laying down? So

<v Speaker 2>over time, whenever.

<v Speaker 1>You're in these gray area sort of connections, And honestly,

<v Speaker 1>this goes for everything. This is going to do something

<v Speaker 1>to your self concept. Okay, you will start shrinking yourself.

<v Speaker 1>Anytime you find yourself not wanting to share something with someone,

<v Speaker 1>you're shrinking yourself. I'm one hundred percent guilty of this.

<v Speaker 1>I have had friendships in my past where I just

<v Speaker 1>felt like I just didn't want to share anything in

<v Speaker 1>my life with them. I just really always would filter.

<v Speaker 1>And it takes so much energy, by the way, to

<v Speaker 1>like filter the information you're telling them, you know, to

<v Speaker 1>have to just placate almost like it just feels so

<v Speaker 1>exhausting to know, like what am I here in this friendship?

<v Speaker 1>Like this is not working out, So it's a taking

<v Speaker 1>time bomb where you're kind of waiting for the next

<v Speaker 1>thing to happen so that you can actually just air

<v Speaker 1>out what your grievances are because you feel crazy for

<v Speaker 1>bringing up every little every like the feeling that you're

<v Speaker 1>having of there being a disconnect between you and that person.

<v Speaker 1>And then of course it's so frustrating telling someone and

<v Speaker 1>expressing to someone how you're feeling and they're kind of

<v Speaker 1>telling you, like, no, that's not true at all, instead

<v Speaker 1>of just taking accountability and saying, like, you know what

<v Speaker 1>the truth is, like, I just think we're not aligned

<v Speaker 1>and it kind of just is what it is and

<v Speaker 1>let bygones be bygones. But no, it's rarely ever that

<v Speaker 1>it's rarely ever a mutual decision to just let it

<v Speaker 1>go and just be done. There's always usually like a

<v Speaker 1>large sort of event that has to take place in

<v Speaker 1>order for there to finally be a discussion about it.

<v Speaker 1>And it is painful because you have memories with this person,

<v Speaker 1>you you're close with this person, okay, and it's hurtful

<v Speaker 1>to have to let go of the dynamic and feel like,

<v Speaker 1>oh my gosh, don't I don't think this is going

<v Speaker 1>to work. Let me tell you something. I always say,

<v Speaker 1>wrong man, wrong plan. But when it comes to friendships,

<v Speaker 1>you want to make sure that you were able to

<v Speaker 1>trust the person that you are friends with. I'm telling

<v Speaker 1>you because if you do not, I'm telling you these

<v Speaker 1>friendships where you're feeling like things are weird, take it

<v Speaker 1>from me, and some people don't respond politely to distance,

<v Speaker 1>Like I am the type of person where I'm going

<v Speaker 1>to start to distance myself from someone so I can

<v Speaker 1>get some sort of clarity there and then hopefully, you know,

<v Speaker 1>I would hope in the past that it would kind

<v Speaker 1>of just dissipate instead of just saying like, hey, I

<v Speaker 1>don't think we're aligned, Like I kind of want to

<v Speaker 1>leave this where it is. And I remember my first

<v Speaker 1>experience in feeling like I couldn't put a label on it.

<v Speaker 1>I didn't understand what I was experiencing, but there was

<v Speaker 1>definitely misalignment there. I found myself feeling very anxious whenever

<v Speaker 1>I was around this person. I found myself feeling like

<v Speaker 1>I wanted to start limiting the days in which we

<v Speaker 1>would hang out or interact because I felt like when

<v Speaker 1>I was with that person, it was all about them,

<v Speaker 1>Like I couldn't be my own person and they are

<v Speaker 1>also their own person. I had to be like an

<v Speaker 1>extension of them, and that was very uncomfortable for me.

<v Speaker 1>How do you express that to someone? Hey, I feel

<v Speaker 1>like when I'm with you, you're consuming every part of

<v Speaker 1>me and it's like this endless pit and I can't

<v Speaker 1>just be my own person while I'm in this friendship

<v Speaker 1>with you, you know what I mean. And I just remember, like,

<v Speaker 1>oh my gosh, I don't know what I'm going to

<v Speaker 1>do about this. I certainly didn't think it was going

<v Speaker 1>to end up ending in the way that it did

<v Speaker 1>and the collateral that followed, but it was definitely a

<v Speaker 1>very big monumental part of my life in terms of

<v Speaker 1>the lesson that I learned because to me, unfortunately in

<v Speaker 1>that situation, it was unavoidable. Once I distanced myself and

<v Speaker 1>I just moved on with my life. It really upset

<v Speaker 1>that person and they went on like pretty much like

<v Speaker 1>a rampage, like in a smear campaign. But in hindsight,

<v Speaker 1>it just like really solidified for me, Okay, like I

<v Speaker 1>need to make sure that I'm being more aware and

<v Speaker 1>I'm becoming friends with people that are more aligned, and

<v Speaker 1>some people might pretend to be someone that they're not

<v Speaker 1>too aligned with you and then kind of.

<v Speaker 2>Switch up after. But trust your discernment.

<v Speaker 1>If you feel like something's off, trust me, most likely

<v Speaker 1>it is, especially when you find yourself in a position

<v Speaker 1>where you're constantly having to defend what you meant, when

<v Speaker 1>you said, when you said certain things, or what have you.

<v Speaker 1>It's the same thing that I learned in that friendship

<v Speaker 1>where I thought that we were friends, but this person

<v Speaker 1>absolutely did not view me as a friend. And you

<v Speaker 1>know how people feel about you, especially when they're upset

<v Speaker 1>with you, how they say things about you and what

<v Speaker 1>they say to you reveals a lot, you know, And

<v Speaker 1>so a lot was revealed in that dynamic because here

<v Speaker 1>I was innocently thinking like, oh, we're friends, like all

<v Speaker 1>the different things, and this person is having a completely

<v Speaker 1>different concept in their head and feeling like, you know,

<v Speaker 1>like I should be, you know, owing them this and

<v Speaker 1>all these It was bizarre.

<v Speaker 2>It doesn't matter.

<v Speaker 1>The point is is that I was not wrong when

<v Speaker 1>I felt like something was off. It absolutely was off.

<v Speaker 1>And some people are like real life crazy. That's the

<v Speaker 1>thing you have to be very careful with who you

<v Speaker 1>allow into your life and into your space, because people

<v Speaker 1>really do come into your life and there's something that

<v Speaker 1>they admire about you and want to be around that light,

<v Speaker 1>and then they end up despising you for the very

<v Speaker 1>same thing because they only wanted to be next to

<v Speaker 1>it so that they can try and be actually it.

<v Speaker 1>Instead of coexisting as two strong individuals and having a

<v Speaker 1>genuine friendship, it had to be this or that. Do

<v Speaker 1>you understand what it is that I'm saying. There's a

<v Speaker 1>reason why we tend to ignore these things, right, and

<v Speaker 1>this is it's psychological right, because the real question is

<v Speaker 1>not necessarily well, why do they not like me? It

<v Speaker 1>is why am I staying where I feel this? Well,

<v Speaker 1>we all know familiarity feels like safety. So if you

<v Speaker 1>were used to emotionally unavailable people, then this dynamic is

<v Speaker 1>going to tend to feel normal to you. It's not good,

<v Speaker 1>but it's familiar. Or if you are just realizing this behavior,

<v Speaker 1>facing this behavior for the first time, you are you're frozen.

<v Speaker 1>You don't even know what to think. To put it

<v Speaker 1>back to myself for context, I remember there was a

<v Speaker 1>friendship that I had when I was like fourteen. It

<v Speaker 1>ended when I was like fourteen years old and there

<v Speaker 1>was this girl that I used to go to church

<v Speaker 1>with and she was just like bizarre, like she would

<v Speaker 1>like do she would do things like one minute we'd

<v Speaker 1>be speaking, the next time I come to church, she

<v Speaker 1>wouldn't speak to me, and it would be this like

<v Speaker 1>tit for tat thing of like all right, this time

<v Speaker 1>I'm gonna speak to you. The next time, who's gonna

<v Speaker 1>be speaking to each other first?

<v Speaker 2>Like it just became this weird game.

<v Speaker 1>And now that I think about it, even at that

<v Speaker 1>young age, I don't know where that girl learned that

<v Speaker 1>behavior from. She would do things like take my cell

<v Speaker 1>phone and ask if she can use it for a

<v Speaker 1>phone call and disappear for hours on end with my phone.

<v Speaker 1>And I would let her do this stuff to me

<v Speaker 1>because I'm like, okay, well she doesn't.

<v Speaker 2>Have a phone.

<v Speaker 1>Also at this point, what am I gonna do? Like

<v Speaker 1>she's ignoring my own calls to my cell phone from

<v Speaker 1>my other friend's cell phone.

<v Speaker 2>Like she would just say.

<v Speaker 1>Mean things like call me names, and I just would

<v Speaker 1>like accept that that was just the dynamic, you know

<v Speaker 1>between us, and I realized in hindsight, like this person

<v Speaker 1>actually was very envious of me. We grew up very

<v Speaker 1>very differently, and I think she wanted to be my friend,

<v Speaker 1>but then it made her angry, like my presence made

<v Speaker 1>her angry because it would just highlight how different we

<v Speaker 1>actually were without me even trying to do so. Right,

<v Speaker 1>it was one of those and so I think that

<v Speaker 1>part of the relationship dynamic that I had to completely

<v Speaker 1>conquer in my friendships with other women and the last

<v Speaker 1>lessons really being in my twenties was these types of

<v Speaker 1>controlling women that come into my life because I didn't

<v Speaker 1>grow up in a family dynamic like that, so I

<v Speaker 1>don't know how I was kind of introduced. I was

<v Speaker 1>introduced to that type of dynamic in a friendship organically,

<v Speaker 1>where it was just a dynamic that I happened to

<v Speaker 1>be around when I was younger. And so I saw

<v Speaker 1>that that was starting to kind of become a little

<v Speaker 1>bit of a theme at certain points in my life

<v Speaker 1>with certain individuals where they would want to be my friend.

<v Speaker 1>They like me all these different things, and the second

<v Speaker 1>like I do my own thing or I just simply exist,

<v Speaker 1>they all of a sudden decide they have a problem

<v Speaker 1>with it and try to like ruin my life or

<v Speaker 1>something like that. And none of them can actually tell

<v Speaker 1>me you did this to me, you said this about me,

<v Speaker 1>you backstabbed me, this is what you did. It was

<v Speaker 1>never a clear cut answer. It was always intangible things.

<v Speaker 1>It was feelings that I couldn't quite put my finger on.

<v Speaker 1>But I was allowing the wrong people into my life

<v Speaker 1>to get close to me because I wanted to be

<v Speaker 1>liked by these people. I had this compassion of I

<v Speaker 1>don't care where you come from, how you grew up,

<v Speaker 1>like that doesn't mean we can't be friends. But these

<v Speaker 1>people were not viewing it that way. They were viewing

<v Speaker 1>it as you will always think you're better than me.

<v Speaker 1>I don't care how nice you are to me. I'm

<v Speaker 1>gonna be around you, but I want to see what

<v Speaker 1>I could take from you, like that sort of thing.

<v Speaker 1>And then I remember another time I was friends with

<v Speaker 1>this girl who and this was like in the MySpace days,

<v Speaker 1>and she was like I now know, like obsessed with me,

<v Speaker 1>like it was bizarre, okay, And I remember she was

<v Speaker 1>talking to a guy that really liked me. I don't

<v Speaker 1>know what happened in the hindsight of their dynamic but

<v Speaker 1>I think that they totally did, like get together. But

<v Speaker 1>like I was so young at the time. I'm fifteen

<v Speaker 1>years old, I'm not thinking about that type of stuff.

<v Speaker 1>And I knew that they were hanging out. She told

<v Speaker 1>me they were going to hang out. I was ignorantly

<v Speaker 1>and naively thinking nothing of it, because who would think

<v Speaker 1>a friend would do something.

<v Speaker 2>Like that to you?

<v Speaker 1>And I saw in her diary, which she used like

<v Speaker 1>as a math notebook at the same it was very bizarre,

<v Speaker 1>and I read it and I saw that she was

<v Speaker 1>like having a crush on this guy that ended up

<v Speaker 1>like that actually liked me, and it just turned into

<v Speaker 1>a disaster. Okay, Like we absolutely were no longer friends.

<v Speaker 1>And it was just she would call me and ask me, oh,

<v Speaker 1>what are you wearing school tomorrow? All these different things,

<v Speaker 1>and I just remember, like I asked her, do you

<v Speaker 1>like this guy? Like you can tell me, because I

<v Speaker 1>never wanted men to come between any of my friendships.

<v Speaker 1>Like I was just I'm born a girl's girl, okay,

<v Speaker 1>And she was like no, And I get that that's

<v Speaker 1>a hard thing to admit to someone, so I'll give

<v Speaker 1>her the benefit of the doubt. Honestly, it's it's especially

<v Speaker 1>at that age, and she was just lying about the

<v Speaker 1>whole thing. I remember feeling so uncomfortable because I noticed

<v Speaker 1>our conversations were always centered around what was I going

<v Speaker 1>to be wearing the next day to school? And I

<v Speaker 1>picked up on that, so I would want to avoid

<v Speaker 1>the conversation and she'd always like bring it back to, well,

<v Speaker 1>what are you going to wear? Like you know, like wait,

<v Speaker 1>show me like all these different things, and I'm like,

<v Speaker 1>I don't understand why our why our friendship dynamic has

<v Speaker 1>to like revolve around this. And it felt to me

<v Speaker 1>like I was like trying to genuinely be this person's friend,

<v Speaker 1>and like almost like I'm chasing them to like show

<v Speaker 1>up for me in the same way that I'm shown

<v Speaker 1>up for them, simply just on the grounds of being

<v Speaker 1>genuine and I couldn't understand that. And it was like

<v Speaker 1>this vibe of people would copy me and then they

<v Speaker 1>would act like they have originated what I've done sort

<v Speaker 1>of thing. But I was still too naive to realize

<v Speaker 1>that that's what was happening. Because people that are actually

<v Speaker 1>people that this is going to sound confusing, people that

<v Speaker 1>are usually the victims of people being jealous of them

<v Speaker 1>rarely ever realize that people are envious and jealous of them.

<v Speaker 2>But people that always claim.

<v Speaker 1>That people are envious and jealous of them, it is

<v Speaker 1>largely disproportionate. Okay, let's just say that to people that

<v Speaker 1>actually are the victims of envy and jealousy all the time,

<v Speaker 1>Like you hit a point of denial where you're like,

<v Speaker 1>there's just no way this is the case, and in

<v Speaker 1>fact is you don't view yourself like that. And I

<v Speaker 1>personally believe it's just like the most attractive people in

<v Speaker 1>the world tend to be the most insecure about it.

<v Speaker 2>Right.

<v Speaker 1>Obviously, there's there are people that probably know that they

<v Speaker 1>look a certain way, but they're still insecure at the

<v Speaker 1>end of the day. But people that are very attractive

<v Speaker 1>tend to be the most insecure, I personally believe, in

<v Speaker 1>contrast to people that maybe not may not be as

<v Speaker 1>conventionally attractive, but they are like extremely you know, they

<v Speaker 1>come across as very confident in all the things. So

<v Speaker 1>I say all that to say, you have to really

<v Speaker 1>ask yourself, why are you sticking around and staying for

<v Speaker 1>a dynamic where you have to question and constantly go

<v Speaker 1>back and forth whether or not to see if somebody

<v Speaker 1>actually really likes you.

<v Speaker 2>On one hand, I'm not gonna lie to you. Guys.

<v Speaker 1>I am grateful that I experience this in friendships rather

<v Speaker 1>than in my romantic dynamics. Like I never experience these

<v Speaker 1>types of dynamics and my relationships romantically, but in friendships.

<v Speaker 1>I've definitely had my fair share of characters in my

<v Speaker 1>life life that I was like, I have to break

<v Speaker 1>this pattern, like immediately, because I don't know what it

<v Speaker 1>is that I'm attracting these randoms that like think that

<v Speaker 1>they like me, but they actually really don't like me,

<v Speaker 1>and they tried but they just simply can't and my

<v Speaker 1>existence like bothers them.

<v Speaker 2>Okay, so the next thing that you tend to do.

<v Speaker 1>You know why you ignore this behavior is you internalize

<v Speaker 1>that person's behavior. So instead of thinking, you know what,

<v Speaker 1>this connection with this person is simply not aligned, you're

<v Speaker 1>gonna think, well, what's wrong with me? So you're gonna

<v Speaker 1>try harder, you know what, Like maybe maybe I did

<v Speaker 1>say something, and no matter how diplomatic I tried to be,

<v Speaker 1>maybe I shouldn't have said that. You know, like, it's

<v Speaker 1>just can I give you an example? Okay, so you

<v Speaker 1>know how you go to someone's house, right, and let's

<v Speaker 1>just say you're young, Okay, you go to someone's house

<v Speaker 1>because I think we all know not to use this

<v Speaker 1>term anymore, But you go to a friend's house and

<v Speaker 1>you're like, oh my gosh, like your house is so cute,

<v Speaker 1>like I love it, you know, and you're not thinking consciously,

<v Speaker 1>I'm saying your house is cute because it's you know,

<v Speaker 1>not because it's small, because it's the You're just thinking like,

<v Speaker 1>oh my gosh, like this is so cute, you know,

<v Speaker 1>I love it, you know, and that person internalizes what

<v Speaker 1>you said and thinks, oh, she thinks she's better than

<v Speaker 1>me because she said my house was cute. Now again,

<v Speaker 1>I'm not talking about being an adult saying this, because

<v Speaker 1>I think saying certain things are cute has a certain

<v Speaker 1>connotation obviously, But when you're young, like eighteen nineteen years old,

<v Speaker 1>especially when I was growing up, I never looked at

<v Speaker 1>something like that as an insult, right, And so you

<v Speaker 1>can say something like this and someone is like hates you.

<v Speaker 2>For it, like how dare her call my house cute?

<v Speaker 1>All these different things, and it's like they're so determined

<v Speaker 1>to think that you meant something else. By it as

<v Speaker 1>opposed to think taking what you said at face value

<v Speaker 1>of oh, this person like does feel like this isn't

<v Speaker 1>like this my house is like nice. It's like that

<v Speaker 1>could have just been an adjective that you use. Could

<v Speaker 1>you use the better word, of course? But again I'm

<v Speaker 1>speaking like if you were younger. I remember a friend

<v Speaker 1>of mine told me this example, specifically, that this is

<v Speaker 1>what happened to her, and I was like, oh my gosh, okay,

<v Speaker 1>noed never ever say someone's house is cute, you know,

<v Speaker 1>And I learned from that from her own experience. But

<v Speaker 1>it made me think for a second, like, but did

<v Speaker 1>you mean it in that way? Like? And she was like, no,

<v Speaker 1>I really genuinely didn't. It was just an adjective that

<v Speaker 1>I just happened to use, and I instantly knew, like, okay,

<v Speaker 1>I guess that didn't go over well with that person.

<v Speaker 1>You guys are understand what I'm saying. But if a

<v Speaker 1>connection is simply not aligned, you do tend to think

<v Speaker 1>that it's something maybe that you're not doing, that you

<v Speaker 1>should be doing, and all the things, like it's so

<v Speaker 1>much inner turmoil that goes on in your head. It's exhausting,

<v Speaker 1>all right, so then there's the intermittent reinforcement, and this

<v Speaker 1>is like, this is a powerful thing because they're not

<v Speaker 1>always they are not always going to be distant. Okay,

<v Speaker 1>sometimes people that don't like you are gonna be nice,

<v Speaker 1>they're gonna even show up. But that inconsistency of them

<v Speaker 1>being nice and then not and being distant and then

<v Speaker 1>answering the phone in the first ring after is what

<v Speaker 1>is going to create that psychological attachment, right, because your

<v Speaker 1>brain is going to start to chase all the good

<v Speaker 1>moments that you had in that friendship. Oh well, I

<v Speaker 1>remember I was crying over losing my job and they

<v Speaker 1>were the first person to answer the phone.

<v Speaker 2>So you're hanging on.

<v Speaker 1>To that hope, and it's hard for that feeling to

<v Speaker 1>coincide with the fact that, for the vast majority of

<v Speaker 1>your relationship, you notice every time you go out, she's

<v Speaker 1>embarrassing you in front of people, she's calling out your flaws,

<v Speaker 1>she's leaving you places by yourself, she's acting funny every

<v Speaker 1>time you go certain places.

<v Speaker 2>She like just weird types of behavior.

<v Speaker 1>It's so hard to accept this pschotomy, right, it really

<v Speaker 1>is difficult. So your brain is gonna chase these good

<v Speaker 1>moments and think like, oh, it's not that bad. You're overthinking,

<v Speaker 1>you know, you know, all it takes is one conversation

<v Speaker 1>with this person and you'll be fine. But there is

<v Speaker 1>a cost for staying in dynamics like this, because let's

<v Speaker 1>be very clear here, staying in spaces that you were

<v Speaker 1>genuinely not liked, you were actually disliked. Okay, it's always

<v Speaker 1>going to give you anxiety. It's always going to have

<v Speaker 1>you overthinking. It's always going to have you in this

<v Speaker 1>self doubt sort of mode, right, Like I'm the wrong.

<v Speaker 1>Friendships do the same thing as romantic dynamics, And that's

<v Speaker 1>a second. You know, that's another that's a subject for

<v Speaker 1>another day, if you guys want me to do a

<v Speaker 1>podcast episode on that of what it looks like in

<v Speaker 1>romantic dynamics. But I'm telling you, like when you when

<v Speaker 1>you were disliked, everything you do misaligns with this person.

<v Speaker 1>I remember me simply telling someone that I didn't drink.

<v Speaker 1>They went on a rampage telling people that I was

<v Speaker 1>judging them for drinking. All these different things. I'm not

<v Speaker 1>even thinking about you.

<v Speaker 2>Are you real? Are you okay? Right now?

<v Speaker 1>Like me just existing was just offensive, right, and it

<v Speaker 1>comes with a lot of emotional exhaustion because your nervous

<v Speaker 1>system is constantly trying to solve this unsafe dynamic.

<v Speaker 2>That's what it is.

<v Speaker 1>It is an unsafe dynamic that you're in, and it's

<v Speaker 1>very toxic being in friendships like this. They could last

<v Speaker 1>for years if you allow it to, where all of

<v Speaker 1>a sudden, you're a shell of yourself. Here, I am

<v Speaker 1>someone that also has a strong personality, and yet I

<v Speaker 1>have been in certain friendship dynamics where I feel like

<v Speaker 1>I'm like a shell of myself, like I don't want

<v Speaker 1>to say anything, And basically certain dynamics were only working

<v Speaker 1>because of me, because of the fact that I wasn't

<v Speaker 1>speaking up, because of the fact that I was letting

<v Speaker 1>them just do whatever they kind of wanted.

<v Speaker 2>Right, all right, But.

<v Speaker 1>What emotionally healthy dynamics look like are not feeling like

<v Speaker 1>you have to perform, feeling like you have to not

<v Speaker 1>feeling like you have to prove yourself, not constantly defending

<v Speaker 1>your character, not feeling like you have to decode their behavior.

<v Speaker 1>You are feeling seen, You're feeling considered, You're feeling safe. Okay,

<v Speaker 1>it's not perfect, but it's safe.

<v Speaker 2>All right.

<v Speaker 1>And sometimes right, God will let you feel the discomfort

<v Speaker 1>in a relationship not to confuse you, but to actually

<v Speaker 1>wake you up, like hello, right, if you're asking is

<v Speaker 1>this person supposed to be in my life or not?

<v Speaker 1>The real question is why am I trying to stay

<v Speaker 1>in a place where I don't feel any peace? Because

<v Speaker 1>God is never the author of confusion. And let the

<v Speaker 1>church say amen, But you will create the confusion when

<v Speaker 1>you ignore the clarity of what it is that you're feeling.

<v Speaker 1>It should never come with this much up and down

<v Speaker 1>and all around all these different things. That is not love,

<v Speaker 1>That is not respect all right. That is you trying

<v Speaker 1>to excuse negativity and problematic behavior from individuals in a

<v Speaker 1>way to be accepted and loved by them.

<v Speaker 2>Right, So I want you to sit with this.

<v Speaker 1>Who in your life makes you feel like you have

<v Speaker 1>to edit yourself to be accepted? And why are you

<v Speaker 1>still calling that a friendship? Okay, that is the end

<v Speaker 1>of this episode. Thank you so much for listening. Make

<v Speaker 1>sure that you hype this video up. Make sure if

<v Speaker 1>you're listening to this on whatever platform, that you give

<v Speaker 1>it five stars of a rating.

<v Speaker 2>We do not gatekeep here.

<v Speaker 1>And with that being said, do not forget that I

<v Speaker 1>love you, and God loves you. I'll speak to you,

<v Speaker 1>beautiful angels in my next podcast episode.