1 00:00:00,079 --> 00:00:00,319 All right. 2 00:00:00,319 --> 00:00:08,667 Here are five things that I realize after 18 years of co-parenting, now that my kids 3 00:00:08,667 --> 00:00:13,107 are grown and my co-parenting years are behind me, I have a lot of clarity that I 4 00:00:13,107 --> 00:00:15,327 wish I probably would've had a lot sooner. 5 00:00:15,543 --> 00:00:17,950 But when you're in it, everything just feels so urgent. 6 00:00:18,232 --> 00:00:23,035 Everything feels extra emotional and everything feels like I have 7 00:00:23,035 --> 00:00:24,445 to take care of this right now. 8 00:00:24,445 --> 00:00:26,305 Like it's a very matter of fact. 9 00:00:26,305 --> 00:00:29,875 But the hindsight that I'm gonna give you today is a little bit different. 10 00:00:29,875 --> 00:00:34,495 And I hope, I just hope with today's episode that you trust me and you've 11 00:00:34,495 --> 00:00:37,465 been around long enough with me that you know that I'm not a bullshitter. 12 00:00:37,769 --> 00:00:41,035 You know that I'm not somebody that's gonna tell you something that truly isn't. 13 00:00:41,786 --> 00:00:44,456 Tell you the ugly truth of my whole life. 14 00:00:44,516 --> 00:00:49,106 And so today, as somebody that went through an extremely high 15 00:00:49,106 --> 00:00:54,100 conflict co-parenting journey for years, and I'm on the other side 16 00:00:54,100 --> 00:00:56,080 of it now and it is my business. 17 00:00:56,888 --> 00:01:01,702 But I have been through enough therapy with myself and my children, and 18 00:01:01,702 --> 00:01:06,242 I've been on a huge apology tour and have really helped my children over 19 00:01:06,242 --> 00:01:10,378 the past, decade with things that I truly feel like these five things. 20 00:01:10,378 --> 00:01:14,668 If I was brand new going into divorce and I'd been following me, Sam for a 21 00:01:14,668 --> 00:01:18,358 while and I said these five things, I would probably hold onto them. 22 00:01:18,358 --> 00:01:21,241 Even though they don't feel accurate for me right now. 23 00:01:21,497 --> 00:01:22,231 I trust her. 24 00:01:23,101 --> 00:01:23,761 I trust her. 25 00:01:24,001 --> 00:01:25,621 So thank you for trusting me. 26 00:01:26,075 --> 00:01:27,288 Let's dive into these things. 27 00:01:27,288 --> 00:01:30,558 Now, I want you to keep in mind I got divorced when my kids were one and three. 28 00:01:31,279 --> 00:01:34,608 They are now in their twenties and they are part of my business 29 00:01:34,608 --> 00:01:39,048 helping me navigate how to improve co-parenting for high conflict couples. 30 00:01:39,048 --> 00:01:43,368 So first and foremost thing that I wish I would've known at the beginning 31 00:01:43,398 --> 00:01:47,148 that I just figured out at, you know, now that I have hindsight, is 32 00:01:47,548 --> 00:01:49,408 how important the parenting plan. 33 00:01:49,798 --> 00:01:53,308 Is, it matters more than you think. 34 00:01:53,308 --> 00:01:55,378 And I know there's a lot of people out there that are early in 35 00:01:55,378 --> 00:01:58,348 their journey or think that their attorney is telling them the truth 36 00:01:58,348 --> 00:01:59,668 about, Hey, don't worry about it. 37 00:01:59,668 --> 00:02:03,718 You guys will always be able to work it out after the ink dries, things calm down, 38 00:02:04,050 --> 00:02:07,048 you know, and all those bullshit things. 39 00:02:07,455 --> 00:02:11,115 If everything's gonna work out and everything's gonna be easier when we are 40 00:02:11,115 --> 00:02:14,895 over this divorce, then why not just build a parenting plan just in case it's not? 41 00:02:15,436 --> 00:02:19,426 Let's build a parenting plan that matters in high conflict and in 42 00:02:19,456 --> 00:02:21,406 arguments and in bad seasons. 43 00:02:21,757 --> 00:02:24,769 And then if by chance we are the couple that can get along forever, 44 00:02:24,769 --> 00:02:25,879 then we never have to use it. 45 00:02:26,188 --> 00:02:29,308 But if we do need to use it, then it better work for us, not against us. 46 00:02:29,756 --> 00:02:33,441 So when you are going through your divorce, I just want you to keep in mind 47 00:02:33,541 --> 00:02:39,251 that parenting plan is really important because it will be what you fall back on. 48 00:02:39,677 --> 00:02:42,118 It's a document, but it's also the time. 49 00:02:42,497 --> 00:02:46,690 You have with your kids, it's the schedule that you have, it's the holidays you 50 00:02:46,690 --> 00:02:48,820 have, it's the ability to make decisions. 51 00:02:49,245 --> 00:02:55,860 Without that parenting plan, you are in years of turmoil of conflict, either with 52 00:02:55,860 --> 00:02:57,480 your ex or with your attorney or both. 53 00:02:57,882 --> 00:03:00,270 And financial loss goes right with that. 54 00:03:00,611 --> 00:03:03,036 So I wish I would've known all those years ago when I got handed 55 00:03:03,036 --> 00:03:06,966 a four page parenting plan and I'm like, yes, I am divorced. 56 00:03:06,996 --> 00:03:08,676 Oh, thank you. 57 00:03:08,960 --> 00:03:10,060 And I was so excited. 58 00:03:10,691 --> 00:03:13,885 And then a few months later when I went to use that said parenting plan, 59 00:03:13,885 --> 00:03:15,205 I was like, well, wait a second. 60 00:03:15,475 --> 00:03:18,957 I just spent a hundred thousand dollars on this divorce, and yes, I'm divorced 61 00:03:18,957 --> 00:03:22,797 and yay for me, but I'm trying to actually use this practical piece 62 00:03:22,797 --> 00:03:24,597 of paper and it doesn't work for me. 63 00:03:24,597 --> 00:03:25,587 It actually works against me. 64 00:03:25,587 --> 00:03:26,847 It's written very vaguely. 65 00:03:27,228 --> 00:03:29,553 And so I didn't understand at the beginning how important 66 00:03:29,553 --> 00:03:30,633 a parenting plan was. 67 00:03:31,015 --> 00:03:33,327 So if you've been following me for a while, you know, that's what I do for 68 00:03:33,327 --> 00:03:36,417 people is help build their parenting plan so they don't have that feeling. 69 00:03:36,795 --> 00:03:37,533 Number two. 70 00:03:37,966 --> 00:03:43,427 And this one's gonna sting a little bit, but I wish I would've understood 71 00:03:43,883 --> 00:03:47,910 faster that I had zero goose egg. 72 00:03:48,180 --> 00:03:50,160 Not a never gonna happen. 73 00:03:50,595 --> 00:03:52,417 Ability to control the other parent. 74 00:03:52,877 --> 00:03:54,568 This is the hardest thing because when we were married. 75 00:03:55,477 --> 00:03:58,535 We did things together and we would figure things out. 76 00:03:58,595 --> 00:04:02,598 And when we split up my house, did my thing, and his house did the other, and 77 00:04:02,598 --> 00:04:06,985 there wasn't a lot of common ground and I couldn't control how they parented. 78 00:04:06,985 --> 00:04:09,055 I couldn't control what they said to my children. 79 00:04:09,055 --> 00:04:10,915 I couldn't control the choices they made. 80 00:04:11,489 --> 00:04:14,158 That was very hard because a lot of those things were the opposite of 81 00:04:14,158 --> 00:04:15,208 what we did when we were together. 82 00:04:15,208 --> 00:04:17,428 And I couldn't wrap my head around, why are you doing things 83 00:04:17,428 --> 00:04:18,838 that we've never done before? 84 00:04:18,838 --> 00:04:22,155 Why are you saying things about me when you were just with me a year 85 00:04:22,155 --> 00:04:24,345 ago, or months ago or days ago? 86 00:04:24,741 --> 00:04:28,422 It was very hard for me to wrap my head around that I had no control 87 00:04:28,422 --> 00:04:32,558 over what he fed them, what he did with them, what he said with them. 88 00:04:32,973 --> 00:04:35,655 And mine was somebody that said a lot of stuff he shouldn't have said. 89 00:04:36,195 --> 00:04:38,565 And that was very hard to not. 90 00:04:39,018 --> 00:04:43,235 Go nuts about and to say something about, but when you can have radical 91 00:04:43,235 --> 00:04:49,455 acceptance that you have zero control over that other parent, you 92 00:04:49,455 --> 00:04:51,015 do get a little bit of peace back. 93 00:04:51,473 --> 00:04:53,912 Now, I've been doing this a long time and people will come to me and they'll 94 00:04:53,912 --> 00:04:55,892 say, Sam, how do I get my ex do this? 95 00:04:55,892 --> 00:04:56,792 How do I get my ex to this? 96 00:04:56,792 --> 00:04:57,602 How do I get my ex to this? 97 00:04:57,602 --> 00:05:01,575 And I said, oh, let's more talk about how does what they do affect you? 98 00:05:01,575 --> 00:05:03,315 Why does that affect you so bad? 99 00:05:03,550 --> 00:05:05,145 And it always comes back to one thing. 100 00:05:05,490 --> 00:05:08,460 You're afraid of them hurting the children, but here's the reality 101 00:05:08,460 --> 00:05:11,160 spinoff of that, that you can't stop. 102 00:05:11,611 --> 00:05:14,650 Those are your kids' parents. 103 00:05:14,860 --> 00:05:17,290 You are their parent, and that parent is their parent. 104 00:05:17,568 --> 00:05:18,670 That's your kid's life. 105 00:05:19,131 --> 00:05:19,850 A bad egg. 106 00:05:19,850 --> 00:05:20,570 They got dealt. 107 00:05:20,570 --> 00:05:23,045 A parent that doesn't fit well, they got dealt. 108 00:05:23,445 --> 00:05:27,590 A parent that chooses bad things or different choices that don't 109 00:05:27,590 --> 00:05:31,990 align, and that child needs to see that clearly and get used to it. 110 00:05:32,725 --> 00:05:34,105 Or figure out how to deal with it. 111 00:05:34,105 --> 00:05:38,468 And that's what you can help with is how to help your child deal with a parent. 112 00:05:38,468 --> 00:05:40,628 That may be a little different to the extreme. 113 00:05:40,628 --> 00:05:43,998 That's not helpful, but you can't control the other parent. 114 00:05:43,998 --> 00:05:47,028 But what you can control is your responses, your boundaries, 115 00:05:47,028 --> 00:05:48,228 and your documentation. 116 00:05:48,558 --> 00:05:53,062 And man will go to town on all that, but you can't control them. 117 00:05:53,452 --> 00:05:56,842 I see so many parents saying, Sam, I I want them to put the kids down earlier. 118 00:05:56,842 --> 00:05:57,922 They let them stay up till 10. 119 00:05:57,922 --> 00:05:59,417 They need to be in bed at 7 30, 8 o'clock. 120 00:06:00,397 --> 00:06:03,860 We can't control that, Sam, I can't believe that they're 121 00:06:03,860 --> 00:06:05,870 vaping in the car with my child. 122 00:06:06,777 --> 00:06:07,947 You can't control that. 123 00:06:08,351 --> 00:06:10,677 Now, both of those scenarios, are there things you can do? 124 00:06:10,677 --> 00:06:13,797 Sure, I can reach out to a teacher and say, Hey, I have a bedtime. 125 00:06:13,797 --> 00:06:14,667 That's pretty early. 126 00:06:14,667 --> 00:06:15,957 I don't know about the other house. 127 00:06:15,957 --> 00:06:19,167 If my child ever comes to school and feels, you know, distraught. 128 00:06:19,563 --> 00:06:20,472 Really sleepy. 129 00:06:20,472 --> 00:06:23,532 I, I just ask that you document that and let me know, and if maybe they 130 00:06:23,532 --> 00:06:27,462 could stay in and rest during recess or during pe I'd really appreciate it. 131 00:06:27,685 --> 00:06:31,922 But please let me know if my ex is vaping in the car with my child. 132 00:06:31,952 --> 00:06:35,522 If it's illegal in the county or city I live in, I may just call them and turn 133 00:06:35,522 --> 00:06:40,888 them in, get them a ticket, but I'm not going to go to my ex and say, you need 134 00:06:40,888 --> 00:06:43,858 to put the kids down at seven 30 and you need to stop vaping in that car. 135 00:06:44,103 --> 00:06:46,018 I have no control over another human being. 136 00:06:46,429 --> 00:06:49,743 There are so many parents like you out there that are wasting so much energy, 137 00:06:49,743 --> 00:06:53,243 time, and space on this topic right here. 138 00:06:53,753 --> 00:06:55,043 I did a decade. 139 00:06:55,283 --> 00:06:56,873 I tried to control the situation. 140 00:06:56,903 --> 00:07:00,023 Why does he keep talking shit about me to my children? 141 00:07:00,419 --> 00:07:01,157 He needs to stop. 142 00:07:01,157 --> 00:07:01,817 I took him to court. 143 00:07:01,817 --> 00:07:05,867 The court said, sir, stop talking about her to your children. 144 00:07:06,047 --> 00:07:06,587 Okay? 145 00:07:06,617 --> 00:07:07,247 He's in the car. 146 00:07:07,247 --> 00:07:08,622 By the time he is in the car, he is already told him something. 147 00:07:09,425 --> 00:07:11,933 You can't control the other parent. 148 00:07:11,933 --> 00:07:15,353 What you have to do is have radical acceptance that you can't control it. 149 00:07:15,774 --> 00:07:18,977 And then we switch to what can I control, which is my time with 150 00:07:18,977 --> 00:07:22,517 my children, and how I make them feel good when they're with me. 151 00:07:22,716 --> 00:07:24,977 How do I make them feel safe when they're with me? 152 00:07:25,207 --> 00:07:28,103 How I make them feel like they're validated when they're with me, how I 153 00:07:28,103 --> 00:07:30,413 give them the tools to survive that house? 154 00:07:30,443 --> 00:07:32,363 That's what I can do. 155 00:07:33,027 --> 00:07:35,228 Some of you all are telling me things like, you know, he 156 00:07:35,228 --> 00:07:36,218 doesn't brush our kids' teeth. 157 00:07:36,278 --> 00:07:39,158 Well, I'm gonna tell you what, until you teach your kid how to brush your 158 00:07:39,158 --> 00:07:42,142 kids their own teeth and make it a priority and to make it a thing, your 159 00:07:42,142 --> 00:07:43,462 kid's gonna have some dirty ass teeth. 160 00:07:43,929 --> 00:07:46,172 They're just things you don't have control over. 161 00:07:46,172 --> 00:07:47,282 Quit spinning. 162 00:07:47,756 --> 00:07:51,492 Out of control about it yourself and being all dysregulated about 163 00:07:51,492 --> 00:07:54,462 a house you can no longer control. 164 00:07:54,732 --> 00:07:55,902 I would love to have all that time back. 165 00:07:55,902 --> 00:07:58,362 I would love to have that nervous system regulated way sooner than 166 00:07:58,362 --> 00:08:02,082 what I did because I was stuck on this one for a long time. 167 00:08:02,286 --> 00:08:04,595 Because here's the biggest part of it, you would never do 168 00:08:04,595 --> 00:08:05,705 these things to your children. 169 00:08:06,104 --> 00:08:09,522 You would never set them up for failure and vape in the car with them, or keep 170 00:08:09,522 --> 00:08:12,462 them up till 10 o'clock at night or speak ill of the other parent to them 171 00:08:12,462 --> 00:08:14,022 because you would not wanna harm them. 172 00:08:14,504 --> 00:08:17,740 It doesn't mean that other parent has those same expectations. 173 00:08:18,143 --> 00:08:22,550 You have different expectations for how you show up and how you parent. 174 00:08:23,060 --> 00:08:25,700 That other parent can do whatever the hell they want. 175 00:08:25,700 --> 00:08:30,277 And here's the fun of it all, is that at the end of your child's 176 00:08:30,277 --> 00:08:34,357 journey with them, they determine what parent they want around. 177 00:08:35,077 --> 00:08:39,127 My children have chosen me and my husband, they no longer engage 178 00:08:39,127 --> 00:08:41,600 with their dad, not by my actions. 179 00:08:42,200 --> 00:08:46,850 By his actions, his own actions, their own relationship. 180 00:08:46,850 --> 00:08:52,500 My son and daughter's relationship with their dad and their interactions has a 181 00:08:52,500 --> 00:08:56,280 domino effect to how they are as adults and who they choose to have around them. 182 00:08:56,750 --> 00:09:00,002 So when I was trying to micromanage his house, I was trying to make 183 00:09:00,002 --> 00:09:01,682 all of their relationships whole. 184 00:09:01,682 --> 00:09:03,812 And, okay, well if you would just do this, they'd stay. 185 00:09:03,812 --> 00:09:05,162 If you would just do this, they'd like you. 186 00:09:05,162 --> 00:09:06,782 If you would just do this, they'd understand if you 187 00:09:06,782 --> 00:09:07,712 would just do this with them. 188 00:09:07,985 --> 00:09:09,702 they would appreciate you more and blah, blah, blah, blah, 189 00:09:09,702 --> 00:09:10,392 blah, and get ahead of this. 190 00:09:10,392 --> 00:09:12,912 And I was trying to help him so much trying to control that other 191 00:09:12,912 --> 00:09:14,758 house, but that's not who he is. 192 00:09:15,172 --> 00:09:18,202 And once they saw who he was, well then they all made a choice. 193 00:09:18,655 --> 00:09:20,225 You can't control the other parent. 194 00:09:20,255 --> 00:09:20,795 Number three. 195 00:09:21,497 --> 00:09:22,927 This one's gonna trigger me a little bit. 196 00:09:23,498 --> 00:09:24,008 Woo. 197 00:09:24,548 --> 00:09:24,788 Okay. 198 00:09:27,278 --> 00:09:28,658 I told you I was probably gonna get emotional. 199 00:09:29,435 --> 00:09:32,499 Your kids see more than you think your kids do. 200 00:09:32,499 --> 00:09:35,766 Notice the tension, the manipulation. 201 00:09:36,659 --> 00:09:40,942 The inconsistencies or the consistencies, they know who shows up. 202 00:09:41,533 --> 00:09:45,161 They see you trying, they see the other parent lacking. 203 00:09:45,658 --> 00:09:48,872 You don't have to explain everything. 204 00:09:49,518 --> 00:09:55,711 Over time as your kids grow up, they will see all the patterns on their own. 205 00:09:56,195 --> 00:09:57,138 Your job. 206 00:09:57,527 --> 00:10:00,489 Is to stay steady with how you show up. 207 00:10:01,179 --> 00:10:06,675 And this is one I didn't understand probably till I was almost done 208 00:10:06,675 --> 00:10:10,250 with my co-parenting journey that I thought my kids were gonna be so 209 00:10:10,250 --> 00:10:14,480 angry with me and so mad at me, and so frustrated with their childhood and 210 00:10:14,480 --> 00:10:16,670 so disappointed and all these things. 211 00:10:17,140 --> 00:10:20,077 And then when we're in therapy or we're talking, or we're talking about our 212 00:10:20,077 --> 00:10:22,897 Journal entries, or we're doing gratitude together, and they're talking about 213 00:10:22,897 --> 00:10:25,997 how I provided this and I did this, and even they were struggling, mom still 214 00:10:25,997 --> 00:10:27,779 showed up and, they saw all of it. 215 00:10:28,169 --> 00:10:31,679 They saw when I was trying, they saw when I did the little things, 216 00:10:31,679 --> 00:10:33,269 the little things mattered to them. 217 00:10:33,668 --> 00:10:35,303 And it wasn't these big, huge gestures. 218 00:10:35,303 --> 00:10:37,531 It was the small things that I did. 219 00:10:38,203 --> 00:10:40,776 Your kids see everything. 220 00:10:40,806 --> 00:10:42,726 They absorb everything. 221 00:10:42,726 --> 00:10:44,826 They feel everything. 222 00:10:45,233 --> 00:10:50,363 And when I finally woke up after probably close to a decade of horrible co-parenting 223 00:10:50,393 --> 00:10:55,619 and trying to control and letting him run our house from a different house and using 224 00:10:55,619 --> 00:10:58,529 everything through a dad filter, because I was worried about pissing him off. 225 00:10:58,529 --> 00:10:59,789 And when I finally woke up. 226 00:11:00,226 --> 00:11:03,920 It became this different person and my, confidence got bigger and my 227 00:11:03,920 --> 00:11:08,420 boundaries got stronger, and my ability to just self-regulate was great. 228 00:11:08,740 --> 00:11:12,630 My kids sucked over to me and they're like, we want more of this. 229 00:11:13,081 --> 00:11:17,657 And it all came down to my kids understanding how they felt 230 00:11:17,657 --> 00:11:18,382 when they were with each parent. 231 00:11:19,191 --> 00:11:20,940 They felt calm and regulated with me. 232 00:11:20,940 --> 00:11:23,610 They felt like they had a purpose and they had choices, and they had 233 00:11:23,610 --> 00:11:27,090 freedoms and they had love, and they had validation and they were seen and 234 00:11:27,090 --> 00:11:32,493 they had discipline and they had, just consistency of love on no conditions. 235 00:11:32,493 --> 00:11:34,083 They didn't have to perform to get my love. 236 00:11:34,083 --> 00:11:35,853 They didn't have to say things to get my love. 237 00:11:35,853 --> 00:11:36,903 It was just there. 238 00:11:37,486 --> 00:11:40,766 And then at the other house, their stomach felt a different way. 239 00:11:41,400 --> 00:11:44,414 And they had to check a box to get love, and they had to do certain X, 240 00:11:44,414 --> 00:11:48,014 Y, and Z to receive validation, and they had to be seen a certain way. 241 00:11:48,404 --> 00:11:50,098 And kids aren't blind to that. 242 00:11:50,591 --> 00:11:53,621 How they get there and when they say it or when they do 243 00:11:53,621 --> 00:11:54,881 something about it is different. 244 00:11:54,881 --> 00:11:58,671 For all of you, and this is a popular question I get, I get this question a lot. 245 00:11:58,671 --> 00:12:00,261 Like, when can my kids have a choice? 246 00:12:00,291 --> 00:12:01,191 Every kid is different. 247 00:12:01,191 --> 00:12:02,354 Every situation is different. 248 00:12:02,354 --> 00:12:03,401 everything is different. 249 00:12:03,401 --> 00:12:06,371 I can't tell you at, hey, at 12 years old, hey, it's 16. 250 00:12:06,915 --> 00:12:10,149 What you have to do is ride the boat that you are showing 251 00:12:10,179 --> 00:12:12,549 up for your kids consistently. 252 00:12:12,549 --> 00:12:16,239 With all those things be the normal regulated one. 253 00:12:16,619 --> 00:12:17,862 Be the one that just tries. 254 00:12:17,862 --> 00:12:19,722 I don't care if you try imperfectly. 255 00:12:19,722 --> 00:12:21,012 I don't care if you try and fail. 256 00:12:21,012 --> 00:12:23,802 I don't care if you try and you struggle, but just try and 257 00:12:23,802 --> 00:12:24,972 your kids will see all that. 258 00:12:24,972 --> 00:12:27,282 My kids tried or saw me trying. 259 00:12:27,764 --> 00:12:30,524 My kids saw me trying to pay for sports. 260 00:12:30,896 --> 00:12:32,764 My kids saw me trying to lose weight. 261 00:12:32,794 --> 00:12:36,034 My kids saw me trying to regulate my nervous system and 262 00:12:36,034 --> 00:12:37,534 put myself in an adult timeout. 263 00:12:37,534 --> 00:12:39,034 My kids saw me struggling. 264 00:12:39,416 --> 00:12:41,216 they heard me come back and apologize. 265 00:12:41,216 --> 00:12:43,556 They heard me come back and say, what can I do for you? 266 00:12:43,556 --> 00:12:45,236 Hey, that wasn't about you, my kids. 267 00:12:45,473 --> 00:12:49,136 I was so authentically myself when I woke up. 268 00:12:49,652 --> 00:12:54,445 My kids saw that man, mom was this way for 10 years with him in that situation, 269 00:12:54,445 --> 00:12:59,298 but here's who she is now and here's who she's trying to be, and she's showing us 270 00:12:59,576 --> 00:13:02,148 that we can detach and be ourselves now. 271 00:13:02,583 --> 00:13:06,068 I ran everything through a dad filter at my house for 10 years. 272 00:13:06,263 --> 00:13:07,358 I was worried about getting in trouble. 273 00:13:07,358 --> 00:13:08,288 I was worried about going to court. 274 00:13:08,288 --> 00:13:09,578 I was worried about being a bad co-parent. 275 00:13:09,578 --> 00:13:12,188 I was worried about him having more ammo to talk more shit about me. 276 00:13:12,188 --> 00:13:13,028 I was worried, worried, worried. 277 00:13:13,028 --> 00:13:16,058 And there just came a day where I was just like, fuck, I can't do that anymore. 278 00:13:16,374 --> 00:13:17,971 Radical acceptance, he's never gonna change. 279 00:13:17,971 --> 00:13:18,901 No matter how nice I am. 280 00:13:18,901 --> 00:13:21,181 He is who he is, and I just need to move the fuck on. 281 00:13:21,411 --> 00:13:22,051 And when I did. 282 00:13:22,051 --> 00:13:23,191 My kids saw that. 283 00:13:23,636 --> 00:13:27,461 They saw that he didn't change, but they saw that I evolved and I became a 284 00:13:27,461 --> 00:13:29,411 better parent, and I became a better Sam. 285 00:13:30,048 --> 00:13:33,961 That was the first and foremost thing that changed is I became a better Sam, 286 00:13:34,269 --> 00:13:37,968 which then had me as a better mom, which then had me as a better teacher, 287 00:13:38,028 --> 00:13:41,328 which then had me as a better daughter and a better sis, all the things. 288 00:13:41,569 --> 00:13:46,758 When I started working on Sam first, I prioritized Sam and my kids saw 289 00:13:46,788 --> 00:13:48,018 that, and you know what happened? 290 00:13:48,537 --> 00:13:53,072 My kids prioritized themselves when they saw me making me number one. 291 00:13:53,431 --> 00:13:54,999 They became their own number one. 292 00:13:55,029 --> 00:13:57,279 And it wasn't about pleasing somebody over here. 293 00:13:57,684 --> 00:13:59,365 It was about pleasing themselves. 294 00:13:59,769 --> 00:14:00,329 And then, oh yeah. 295 00:14:00,329 --> 00:14:01,439 And then mom's proud of me too. 296 00:14:01,747 --> 00:14:02,189 That's great. 297 00:14:02,189 --> 00:14:03,869 But I'm not doing it to make mom proud. 298 00:14:03,869 --> 00:14:05,189 I'm doing it because I wanna do it. 299 00:14:05,189 --> 00:14:08,029 And they kept witnessing me perform for myself. 300 00:14:08,029 --> 00:14:09,679 I was doing shit for myself first. 301 00:14:09,679 --> 00:14:10,939 And if they said, good job, I'm like, cool. 302 00:14:10,939 --> 00:14:11,209 I know. 303 00:14:11,209 --> 00:14:12,169 I'm proud of myself too. 304 00:14:12,605 --> 00:14:13,555 I'm not doing it for you. 305 00:14:13,555 --> 00:14:14,335 I'm doing it for me. 306 00:14:14,898 --> 00:14:17,637 When you get to this point where you start prioritizing yourself 307 00:14:17,637 --> 00:14:21,177 over everybody, your kids will follow and do the exact same thing. 308 00:14:21,455 --> 00:14:24,214 But when you put somebody else, like a co-parent ahead of 309 00:14:24,214 --> 00:14:25,744 yourself, guess what your kids do? 310 00:14:26,091 --> 00:14:29,847 Put that co-parent ahead of themselves, and even you, because you're teaching them 311 00:14:29,847 --> 00:14:31,857 that I taught my kids that for 10 years. 312 00:14:31,857 --> 00:14:33,057 Just do this so he doesn't get mad. 313 00:14:33,057 --> 00:14:34,197 Just do this so he doesn't get angry. 314 00:14:34,197 --> 00:14:34,677 Just do this. 315 00:14:34,677 --> 00:14:35,187 Just do this. 316 00:14:35,192 --> 00:14:36,177 Come, come on you guys. 317 00:14:36,499 --> 00:14:37,197 You know him. 318 00:14:37,421 --> 00:14:38,247 Let's not do that. 319 00:14:38,247 --> 00:14:38,997 Come on you guys. 320 00:14:38,997 --> 00:14:40,377 You know, he's gonna scream and holler. 321 00:14:40,377 --> 00:14:41,547 You know, he is gonna take me back to court. 322 00:14:41,547 --> 00:14:42,357 Come on you guys. 323 00:14:42,797 --> 00:14:48,367 We prioritized him for 10 years, but when I switched to me, woo, domino 324 00:14:48,367 --> 00:14:54,054 effect, those kids were begging for me to be my number one cheerleader so that 325 00:14:54,054 --> 00:14:56,844 they could be their own cheerleader and not have to cheer either one of us on. 326 00:14:57,280 --> 00:14:59,060 But I'm gonna tell you what, this is a good one. 327 00:14:59,497 --> 00:15:01,250 Your kids see more than you think. 328 00:15:01,659 --> 00:15:04,597 They see you struggling, but they also see you trying. 329 00:15:05,126 --> 00:15:06,750 They see that you're afraid of them. 330 00:15:07,200 --> 00:15:08,422 They see that you're scared. 331 00:15:08,728 --> 00:15:09,712 They can sense it. 332 00:15:10,102 --> 00:15:10,912 They know it. 333 00:15:11,253 --> 00:15:13,515 Hell, the other parents probably telling 'em, your mom's scared of me. 334 00:15:13,575 --> 00:15:14,775 Your dad's petrified of me. 335 00:15:15,170 --> 00:15:18,655 But when they finally see you pump your chest up a little bit, it's all right. 336 00:15:18,685 --> 00:15:19,615 You wanna take me back to court? 337 00:15:19,705 --> 00:15:20,065 I don't care. 338 00:15:20,522 --> 00:15:21,782 I got this going on with work. 339 00:15:21,782 --> 00:15:22,562 We're good here. 340 00:15:22,562 --> 00:15:23,642 We just paid this off. 341 00:15:23,796 --> 00:15:24,246 we're good. 342 00:15:24,246 --> 00:15:25,116 We're living life over here. 343 00:15:25,476 --> 00:15:29,362 That confidence, those kids are begging for it, but they're also 344 00:15:29,362 --> 00:15:31,612 begging for a real parent that when they struggle, they own it. 345 00:15:31,687 --> 00:15:33,547 I struggle with losing weight, man. 346 00:15:33,907 --> 00:15:35,347 I'm struggling with this. 347 00:15:35,954 --> 00:15:36,837 I need motivation. 348 00:15:36,867 --> 00:15:38,007 I gotta motivate myself. 349 00:15:38,007 --> 00:15:39,674 You know, maybe I'll put a picture of myself up. 350 00:15:39,674 --> 00:15:41,444 maybe I'll get a into a program. 351 00:15:41,444 --> 00:15:46,581 You know, your kids see you trying versus using excuses like the other parent does. 352 00:15:47,018 --> 00:15:51,657 I'm telling you this one, I could talk for hours about how your kids see you and 353 00:15:51,657 --> 00:15:56,391 they also see that other parent and, but what do you want them to notice about you? 354 00:15:56,888 --> 00:16:03,117 All right, number four, again, peace becomes more valuable than winning. 355 00:16:03,550 --> 00:16:06,971 Now, this works a lot with my clients who are, you know, going 356 00:16:06,971 --> 00:16:09,994 into mediation or going into their, parenting plan negotiations. 357 00:16:10,329 --> 00:16:13,467 And, you know, a lot of times money is talked about and. 358 00:16:13,767 --> 00:16:17,956 You know, I have a woman right now who's on year four of her negotiations. 359 00:16:17,986 --> 00:16:21,286 she's getting done dirty by attorneys who just love that she keeps paying for 360 00:16:21,286 --> 00:16:23,692 four years and she's due a lot of money. 361 00:16:23,722 --> 00:16:26,892 We're talking millions, and he's dragging his feet. 362 00:16:26,922 --> 00:16:28,722 I mean, why would he, why, why wouldn't he? 363 00:16:28,722 --> 00:16:29,772 He doesn't wanna lose millions. 364 00:16:29,772 --> 00:16:31,032 He doesn't wanna give her millions. 365 00:16:31,062 --> 00:16:31,662 I mean, I get it. 366 00:16:31,662 --> 00:16:32,592 The ego's huge. 367 00:16:32,853 --> 00:16:34,122 But the law is the law. 368 00:16:34,509 --> 00:16:35,912 And for me. 369 00:16:36,173 --> 00:16:39,189 We're at a point with her where we're like, walk away, take a 370 00:16:39,189 --> 00:16:40,929 really low amount and walk away. 371 00:16:40,989 --> 00:16:42,789 We gotta stop the bleeding. 372 00:16:42,789 --> 00:16:46,396 At some point, you are hemorrhaging with trauma as you drag this 373 00:16:46,396 --> 00:16:47,836 out going into year five. 374 00:16:48,295 --> 00:16:52,749 Now the ex will think that's a win because he may get to keep his millions in this 375 00:16:52,749 --> 00:16:58,912 example, he may, but that's not a win for her, he thinks, but it is to her. 376 00:16:59,309 --> 00:17:00,936 She gets to stop paying attorneys. 377 00:17:01,386 --> 00:17:03,186 She gets to finally be divorced. 378 00:17:03,366 --> 00:17:05,766 She gets to end this portion of her life. 379 00:17:06,126 --> 00:17:09,186 Her kids and her get to move on and value more things. 380 00:17:09,186 --> 00:17:12,336 The stress can leave her body, the anxiety can leave her body. 381 00:17:12,714 --> 00:17:17,326 She no longer has to hit wince when an email pops in from her attorney. 382 00:17:17,778 --> 00:17:23,569 There is something to be said about walking away or just being done with 383 00:17:23,569 --> 00:17:26,329 the same arguments over and over again. 384 00:17:26,737 --> 00:17:28,952 One of the biggest wins that I got. 385 00:17:29,439 --> 00:17:30,557 Was starting to pay for everything. 386 00:17:31,061 --> 00:17:33,811 Now, with narcissist, money is the root of all evil. 387 00:17:34,051 --> 00:17:37,441 They will drag and talk and bitch and moan about money all 388 00:17:37,441 --> 00:17:39,257 the time, if you know, you know. 389 00:17:39,744 --> 00:17:42,124 So when my kids got into high school, I started paying for things. 390 00:17:42,274 --> 00:17:45,484 All of it paid for cars, paid for cell phones, paid for copays, paid for 391 00:17:45,484 --> 00:17:48,784 extracurriculars, paid for school, paid for field trips, paid for yearbooks, 392 00:17:48,784 --> 00:17:53,686 paid for every senior pictures, paid for dentists, paid for braces Paid for it all. 393 00:17:54,230 --> 00:17:57,296 My parenting plan didn't mention half of those things, but the things that they 394 00:17:57,296 --> 00:18:02,399 did mention, like copays or deductibles, I didn't send a bill for anymore, and I know 395 00:18:02,399 --> 00:18:04,619 that my ex thought that was a win for him. 396 00:18:04,829 --> 00:18:06,149 Kudos to you, bro. 397 00:18:06,506 --> 00:18:07,602 How was last Christmas? 398 00:18:08,246 --> 00:18:09,382 Because my kids were with me. 399 00:18:09,917 --> 00:18:13,446 Hey, did you hear that one of our kids started a new business last week? 400 00:18:13,836 --> 00:18:17,459 No, I did because I didn't make winning. 401 00:18:18,090 --> 00:18:18,956 A priority. 402 00:18:19,342 --> 00:18:20,039 I made peace. 403 00:18:20,039 --> 00:18:20,789 A priority? 404 00:18:21,226 --> 00:18:21,772 Yeah. 405 00:18:21,802 --> 00:18:23,362 Did he have to pay me half of those things? 406 00:18:23,362 --> 00:18:23,602 Sure. 407 00:18:23,602 --> 00:18:24,442 Did I go after it? 408 00:18:24,442 --> 00:18:27,622 No, because my peace was more valuable than money. 409 00:18:28,209 --> 00:18:34,449 Peace becomes the thing you seek out when you get into this co-parenting 410 00:18:34,449 --> 00:18:35,679 journey with high conflict people. 411 00:18:36,232 --> 00:18:38,122 From afar, it may look like you're losing. 412 00:18:38,122 --> 00:18:39,592 Well, why would you pay for all that? 413 00:18:39,795 --> 00:18:41,362 Well, why would you just give up on that? 414 00:18:41,362 --> 00:18:42,742 Why would you let them do that? 415 00:18:42,742 --> 00:18:43,012 Why? 416 00:18:43,144 --> 00:18:48,706 Because my fucking peace is worth a lot more than any amount of money, and I wanna 417 00:18:48,706 --> 00:18:51,796 stay regulated and I wanna stay calm. 418 00:18:52,156 --> 00:18:53,956 I wanna have a plateau for a while. 419 00:18:53,956 --> 00:18:55,546 I don't like the ups and the downs. 420 00:18:56,098 --> 00:18:59,972 So early on, I know all of you parents, you wanna win that argument. 421 00:18:59,972 --> 00:19:01,382 You wanna win that case. 422 00:19:01,382 --> 00:19:04,532 You wanna win that judgment, you wanna win that modification. 423 00:19:04,937 --> 00:19:11,439 But over time you start to really realize that everything isn't about a battle. 424 00:19:11,930 --> 00:19:17,717 It's about how can I show my kids, then I'm calm and I'm regulated. 425 00:19:18,540 --> 00:19:20,929 Your energy matters. 426 00:19:20,929 --> 00:19:24,849 When I was going through 300 court entries in and outta court for eight years, 427 00:19:25,179 --> 00:19:26,559 how do you think my nervous system was? 428 00:19:26,964 --> 00:19:29,949 I'll tell you, dis fucking regulated. 429 00:19:30,409 --> 00:19:31,139 I'd cry one day. 430 00:19:31,139 --> 00:19:31,949 I'd laugh one day. 431 00:19:32,236 --> 00:19:34,599 Hell, I'd cry and laugh 10 times in the same day. 432 00:19:34,983 --> 00:19:36,229 I used alcohol to cope. 433 00:19:36,682 --> 00:19:39,896 I use smoking secretly as a way to call myself. 434 00:19:40,340 --> 00:19:45,316 I surrounded myself with dramatic fucked up people so that my life 435 00:19:45,316 --> 00:19:47,086 looked somewhat fucking calm. 436 00:19:47,484 --> 00:19:49,872 There was no peace in my life during that phase. 437 00:19:50,142 --> 00:19:51,852 I panicked every time the phone rang. 438 00:19:52,042 --> 00:19:55,439 I double panicked every time I saw a manila envelope in the mailbox. 439 00:19:55,709 --> 00:19:59,249 I'd cringe every time my lawyer and I had a meeting I'd throw 440 00:19:59,249 --> 00:20:00,569 up every time I had court. 441 00:20:01,088 --> 00:20:04,936 You think all that's peace just 'cause I was trying to win at something. 442 00:20:05,649 --> 00:20:07,989 I was trying to win my kids, right? 443 00:20:08,490 --> 00:20:12,839 I was trying to win a higher amount for child support because he made a lot. 444 00:20:12,899 --> 00:20:13,829 I was a teacher. 445 00:20:14,321 --> 00:20:15,246 I was trying to win. 446 00:20:15,703 --> 00:20:18,072 I didn't have peace on the books at all. 447 00:20:18,466 --> 00:20:19,697 Who felt all of that? 448 00:20:20,263 --> 00:20:20,777 My kids. 449 00:20:21,275 --> 00:20:21,954 My kids again. 450 00:20:21,954 --> 00:20:22,734 I've done an apology tour. 451 00:20:23,434 --> 00:20:25,959 My anxiety was through the fucking roof. 452 00:20:26,438 --> 00:20:30,939 I'm just now post co-parenting, getting my nervous system calm. 453 00:20:31,389 --> 00:20:33,929 That's how dysregulated I've been for decades. 454 00:20:34,350 --> 00:20:35,639 But your mental health matters. 455 00:20:35,639 --> 00:20:38,159 So from the outside, when people say, I can't believe you're giving into 456 00:20:38,159 --> 00:20:40,719 that, I can't believe, I can't believe, I can't believe, well, they don't 457 00:20:40,719 --> 00:20:45,162 understand how bad it is, and they don't understand what peace feels like 458 00:20:45,162 --> 00:20:47,022 in your body, what safety feels like. 459 00:20:47,816 --> 00:20:50,614 So protecting your peace is the bigger victory. 460 00:20:51,059 --> 00:20:53,451 And here's the deal, a little secret, I'll tell you for free. 461 00:20:53,909 --> 00:20:57,151 Your life will get better when you stop engaging with negativity. 462 00:20:57,578 --> 00:21:00,277 Everything about that human being is negative. 463 00:21:00,457 --> 00:21:04,207 Their attitude, their presence, the arguments over money, the arguments over 464 00:21:04,207 --> 00:21:06,757 the dominance of decisions, all of it. 465 00:21:06,983 --> 00:21:12,777 When you stop feeding into that machine, your life completely changes. 466 00:21:13,165 --> 00:21:16,827 When I went after peace, I met Jared, I met my husband. 467 00:21:17,346 --> 00:21:18,237 I lost weight. 468 00:21:18,477 --> 00:21:19,377 I got healthy. 469 00:21:19,527 --> 00:21:20,307 I don't drink. 470 00:21:20,757 --> 00:21:21,747 I don't do any drugs. 471 00:21:21,747 --> 00:21:22,647 I don't smoke. 472 00:21:23,034 --> 00:21:23,961 I go to church. 473 00:21:24,291 --> 00:21:25,311 I do gratitude. 474 00:21:25,461 --> 00:21:26,241 I work out. 475 00:21:26,841 --> 00:21:30,171 Everything about my life changed. 476 00:21:30,680 --> 00:21:35,724 The second I stopped looking in this corner and feeding that machine. 477 00:21:36,370 --> 00:21:39,109 And people say, oh, so you lost No, no. 478 00:21:39,109 --> 00:21:41,709 I'm getting ready to go hang out with all my kids today. 479 00:21:42,706 --> 00:21:43,276 I'm winning. 480 00:21:43,776 --> 00:21:48,986 Because here's the deal that nobody tells you this 18 year battle over these 481 00:21:48,986 --> 00:21:51,086 kids and trying to win at everything. 482 00:21:51,520 --> 00:21:53,856 Your kids are kids for 18 years. 483 00:21:53,856 --> 00:21:56,196 They're adults with you a hell of a lot longer. 484 00:21:56,565 --> 00:21:58,452 And I wish somebody would've told me that little tip. 485 00:21:59,026 --> 00:22:01,786 While we're over here fighting for these 18 years and trying to win at 486 00:22:01,786 --> 00:22:05,452 all of it, your adult children will have a different perspective on how 487 00:22:05,452 --> 00:22:08,632 they got treated for those 18, and you better hope your asses around for the 488 00:22:08,632 --> 00:22:10,432 longer duration, which is adulthood. 489 00:22:10,688 --> 00:22:14,312 And now that my kids are adults, I'm just gonna tell you way cool. 490 00:22:15,011 --> 00:22:18,809 It's way cool to have kids as adults. 491 00:22:19,252 --> 00:22:19,882 It's fun. 492 00:22:20,407 --> 00:22:22,629 I mean, don't get me wrong, there's the panic every once in a while when 493 00:22:22,629 --> 00:22:24,189 it's like, Hey, how's your credit card? 494 00:22:24,189 --> 00:22:24,879 Are you paying it off? 495 00:22:24,879 --> 00:22:25,059 You know? 496 00:22:25,663 --> 00:22:26,307 But that's fun. 497 00:22:26,307 --> 00:22:29,834 You're teaching them something, you get to have all these wins. 498 00:22:30,256 --> 00:22:33,301 You know, my son is thriving with his partner in business. 499 00:22:33,301 --> 00:22:37,081 My daughter is going to the Morgan Wallen concert tonight in Tuscaloosa. 500 00:22:37,081 --> 00:22:38,701 And if you know, you know, that's like a big deal. 501 00:22:39,027 --> 00:22:41,884 We are thriving as adults. 502 00:22:42,406 --> 00:22:47,356 I get to be a part of that because of how I conducted myself and improved myself. 503 00:22:47,356 --> 00:22:48,916 Was it pretty the first eight, 10 years? 504 00:22:48,916 --> 00:22:52,636 No, but I improved where the last 10 years were fucking awesome, 505 00:22:52,850 --> 00:22:57,332 and they remember that show up the right way in the 18 years. 506 00:22:57,332 --> 00:22:59,172 So you get the next 40 with your kids. 507 00:23:00,108 --> 00:23:01,578 You fuck up the 18. 508 00:23:01,788 --> 00:23:03,708 You don't get a phone call in the next 40. 509 00:23:03,921 --> 00:23:05,718 You don't get Christmas in the next 40. 510 00:23:05,838 --> 00:23:09,078 You don't get a special call or a card or anything, or a 511 00:23:09,078 --> 00:23:10,663 FaceTime or family vacation. 512 00:23:10,663 --> 00:23:11,533 You don't get that. 513 00:23:11,773 --> 00:23:16,743 If you fuck up the first 18, find peace in the first 18 so you have 514 00:23:16,743 --> 00:23:18,123 them with you in the next 40. 515 00:23:18,654 --> 00:23:23,796 Telling you hindsight, last one, and I know this sounds cliche, I know it does. 516 00:23:24,116 --> 00:23:25,806 Time moves faster than what you expect. 517 00:23:26,332 --> 00:23:29,433 I know when I got told Sam, you have 50 50 now, this is coming 518 00:23:29,433 --> 00:23:31,290 after, eight days in court. 519 00:23:31,586 --> 00:23:34,166 hundreds of thousands of dollars spent on lawyers. 520 00:23:34,196 --> 00:23:35,846 43 witnesses. 521 00:23:36,293 --> 00:23:40,863 When I got told 50 50, I collapsed. 522 00:23:41,349 --> 00:23:42,676 I don't remember much after it. 523 00:23:42,946 --> 00:23:44,146 I know I was at work. 524 00:23:44,206 --> 00:23:45,736 I know my mom had to come get me. 525 00:23:46,145 --> 00:23:49,586 I don't remember the next couple days because I thought, how in the 526 00:23:49,586 --> 00:23:53,486 hell am I going to co-parent with this person that just did this to me? 527 00:23:53,486 --> 00:23:54,716 Just drug me through court. 528 00:23:55,025 --> 00:23:56,433 Wouldn't agree in mediation. 529 00:23:56,695 --> 00:23:58,593 Had all these witnesses, you guys, I had two witnesses. 530 00:23:58,593 --> 00:24:00,153 He had 40 some witnesses. 531 00:24:00,720 --> 00:24:01,530 how can I do this? 532 00:24:01,530 --> 00:24:02,550 50 50 with him? 533 00:24:02,950 --> 00:24:06,740 The light at the end of that tunnel was so fucking small. 534 00:24:06,740 --> 00:24:08,720 It was like the drop of a pin. 535 00:24:09,162 --> 00:24:11,380 But I'm gonna tell you what, that shit got bright real quick. 536 00:24:11,860 --> 00:24:13,123 It goes by fast. 537 00:24:13,513 --> 00:24:16,440 The exchanges, the holidays, all of it. 538 00:24:16,470 --> 00:24:19,290 It goes by fast, especially when it's half the time. 539 00:24:19,814 --> 00:24:21,076 If you're doing 50 50. 540 00:24:21,486 --> 00:24:24,840 So you better show up for whatever time you have. 541 00:24:25,341 --> 00:24:27,936 You make those holidays important. 542 00:24:28,504 --> 00:24:29,423 You make 'em special. 543 00:24:29,423 --> 00:24:31,193 You only get 18 holidays with your kids. 544 00:24:31,193 --> 00:24:33,383 There's no guarantee they are gonna be there Christmas morning 545 00:24:33,383 --> 00:24:34,703 when they're 27 and married. 546 00:24:35,254 --> 00:24:37,316 You make the first 18 special. 547 00:24:37,316 --> 00:24:40,526 I don't care if it's the day or around the day, there's a whole training 548 00:24:40,526 --> 00:24:44,393 on that, but it goes by super fast. 549 00:24:44,423 --> 00:24:47,310 18 summers, 18 winter breaks. 550 00:24:47,693 --> 00:24:48,793 That's all you get. 551 00:24:49,237 --> 00:24:52,306 That's it When they're miners. 552 00:24:52,366 --> 00:24:55,066 Now again, we're thriving to have them for the next 40. 553 00:24:55,485 --> 00:24:57,158 It does go by fast. 554 00:24:57,218 --> 00:24:58,748 I would give anything. 555 00:24:59,438 --> 00:24:59,948 Oh, 556 00:25:02,875 --> 00:25:04,118 to have a do over. 557 00:25:05,006 --> 00:25:08,901 ' cause I fucked up the first 10 years ' cause I was so worried about winning. 558 00:25:08,931 --> 00:25:11,451 And I was so worried about my ex. And I was so worried about court 559 00:25:11,451 --> 00:25:13,491 and I was so worried about proving that I was a good co-parent. 560 00:25:13,491 --> 00:25:16,081 I was so worried about the stupidest shit. 561 00:25:16,728 --> 00:25:18,098 The stupidest shit. 562 00:25:20,612 --> 00:25:24,758 That I didn't show up the way I should have, and I didn't know how fast it 563 00:25:24,758 --> 00:25:30,105 was gonna go, and I wish somebody would've shook me and woke me up to you. 564 00:25:30,105 --> 00:25:31,905 Only get one time that they turn 10. 565 00:25:31,905 --> 00:25:34,875 You only get one time that they go to junior high dance for the first time. 566 00:25:34,875 --> 00:25:36,945 You only get one time at this shit. 567 00:25:37,619 --> 00:25:39,435 And I was so worried about winning. 568 00:25:41,318 --> 00:25:44,198 I would give anything to have them in my bed. 569 00:25:45,188 --> 00:25:48,248 But I didn't let them sleep in my bed because I was worried that the 570 00:25:48,248 --> 00:25:51,098 co-parent would find out and then take me to court and call me weird because 571 00:25:51,098 --> 00:25:52,388 I was letting them sleep in my bed. 572 00:25:52,608 --> 00:25:54,308 Let them sleep in your bed. 573 00:25:55,628 --> 00:26:00,428 Put your fucking phones down and play with your kids. 574 00:26:02,168 --> 00:26:06,488 Stop worrying about the laundry and the dishes and the fucking dinners. 575 00:26:06,488 --> 00:26:08,888 Fucking cook a frozen pizza and call it a day. 576 00:26:09,998 --> 00:26:12,338 Play show up. 577 00:26:12,488 --> 00:26:15,128 Stop skipping shit because your ex is gonna be there. 578 00:26:15,668 --> 00:26:19,861 Fucking go Take the pictures, be in the fucking pictures. 579 00:26:20,331 --> 00:26:21,998 It goes by so fast. 580 00:26:24,278 --> 00:26:29,030 I just think about Josie and Walker and how much I would kill to have their 581 00:26:29,030 --> 00:26:34,490 childhood back because I robbed them blind because I let all of this stupid shit. 582 00:26:35,560 --> 00:26:38,487 Fucking become so important. 583 00:26:38,926 --> 00:26:42,490 My lawyers made me believe so many wrong things. 584 00:26:43,227 --> 00:26:46,317 Oh, I'm telling you, it goes by so fast. 585 00:26:46,813 --> 00:26:51,923 And when I hug my bigs, now I hug for so long and I smell them. 586 00:26:53,110 --> 00:26:56,507 And I just think, gosh, how different their childhood could have been 587 00:26:56,507 --> 00:26:57,917 if mom would've woke up sooner. 588 00:26:58,460 --> 00:26:59,287 Thank God I did. 589 00:27:00,040 --> 00:27:05,013 But it goes by so fast and a lot of you are prioritizing the wrong things. 590 00:27:05,510 --> 00:27:06,247 Their kids. 591 00:27:06,247 --> 00:27:11,800 I saw a TikTok today and I sent it to Jared and it said, oh my gosh. 592 00:27:12,163 --> 00:27:13,570 It said, what do you do for a living? 593 00:27:14,036 --> 00:27:16,867 And the parent said, or the person said, I parent. 594 00:27:17,466 --> 00:27:17,903 That's it. 595 00:27:18,323 --> 00:27:20,423 What I do at my nine to five is not important. 596 00:27:20,953 --> 00:27:25,615 My job is parenting, and I was so fucked up Back in the day, guys, I would say 597 00:27:25,615 --> 00:27:28,288 my job would've been to be an ex-wife. 598 00:27:28,866 --> 00:27:30,282 That was my priority for a long time. 599 00:27:30,332 --> 00:27:31,232 be a good ex-wife. 600 00:27:31,878 --> 00:27:36,058 You get one time being their parent one time to make sure they 601 00:27:36,058 --> 00:27:39,868 feel the most love, they feel the most control over their safety. 602 00:27:40,348 --> 00:27:41,282 It's your job. 603 00:27:41,845 --> 00:27:43,382 And I fucked that up for years. 604 00:27:43,738 --> 00:27:47,735 And it goes by fast and you have little time to fix it before 605 00:27:47,735 --> 00:27:51,305 they're out in the world having to navigate and figure things out. 606 00:27:51,365 --> 00:27:53,922 And it's all on how you, program them. 607 00:27:54,012 --> 00:27:55,812 Are they gonna be able to deal with problems? 608 00:27:55,842 --> 00:27:56,292 I don't know. 609 00:27:56,292 --> 00:27:57,822 Did they watch you deal with problems? 610 00:27:57,822 --> 00:28:02,018 Well, are they gonna be able to know when someone gives them the ick and what to do? 611 00:28:02,018 --> 00:28:04,868 Or did you show them that, oh, even though he gives me the ick, I'm still 612 00:28:04,868 --> 00:28:06,278 gonna be around him all the time, like. 613 00:28:06,652 --> 00:28:09,888 You get a short fucking window to love them and teach them 614 00:28:09,948 --> 00:28:13,905 everything that you possibly can to make them survive adulthood. 615 00:28:13,935 --> 00:28:14,865 'cause it's fucking scary. 616 00:28:14,865 --> 00:28:17,698 I got a kid in college and I got a kid living life, and it's just like 617 00:28:17,698 --> 00:28:18,838 every day I'm like, are you okay? 618 00:28:19,198 --> 00:28:19,663 Are you okay? 619 00:28:20,435 --> 00:28:24,798 You do your best, but it goes by so fast. 620 00:28:25,262 --> 00:28:29,538 So not everything has to be a fucking win, but everything should be peaceful. 621 00:28:29,815 --> 00:28:34,523 That's what they fucking need is somebody that prioritizes peace over winning. 622 00:28:34,872 --> 00:28:35,763 I don't give a flying. 623 00:28:35,763 --> 00:28:37,203 Fuck what your ex thinks. 624 00:28:37,233 --> 00:28:38,403 Oh, he's gonna think he won. 625 00:28:38,403 --> 00:28:39,663 She's gonna think she beat me. 626 00:28:39,753 --> 00:28:40,923 Who fucking cares? 627 00:28:41,232 --> 00:28:44,013 What do your kids think about you? 628 00:28:44,785 --> 00:28:49,247 That you are just as fucked up as them, or you regulated and choose 629 00:28:49,247 --> 00:28:51,797 peace and love over the bullshit. 630 00:28:52,095 --> 00:28:53,437 I chose bullshit for 10 years. 631 00:28:54,012 --> 00:28:54,752 I don't get that time back. 632 00:28:55,472 --> 00:28:58,303 I forgive myself because I did the best I can with the things I had 633 00:28:58,303 --> 00:29:00,703 and the knowledge I had and the abilities I had, but I know better 634 00:29:00,703 --> 00:29:04,163 now, and you do too after just watching this short little episode. 635 00:29:04,538 --> 00:29:05,467 You know better. 636 00:29:05,915 --> 00:29:07,153 So do better. 637 00:29:07,183 --> 00:29:11,563 That's why I end every fucking email and TikTok and social media 638 00:29:11,563 --> 00:29:13,943 post know better do better now you. 639 00:29:14,818 --> 00:29:18,157 So do it better show up for your fucking kids. 640 00:29:18,157 --> 00:29:19,597 I don't care that your ex is there. 641 00:29:19,597 --> 00:29:24,157 I don't care that he brought his new piece of ass or she brought her 17th boyfriend. 642 00:29:24,157 --> 00:29:25,207 I don't give a shit. 643 00:29:25,207 --> 00:29:26,677 Your kids want you there. 644 00:29:27,035 --> 00:29:27,950 Show the fuck up. 645 00:29:28,265 --> 00:29:32,747 Do better for your kids because this time goes by so fast. 646 00:29:32,982 --> 00:29:35,060 You get four proms, right? 647 00:29:35,382 --> 00:29:37,623 You get all these short little things. 648 00:29:38,078 --> 00:29:42,090 And your first focus when you're in this hyper vigilance of high conflict is like, 649 00:29:42,328 --> 00:29:45,470 oh God, but my ex is gonna be, no, Stacy. 650 00:29:45,830 --> 00:29:47,480 Your kid will be there. 651 00:29:48,050 --> 00:29:48,320 Fuck it. 652 00:29:48,350 --> 00:29:49,790 I can tune anybody out. 653 00:29:50,213 --> 00:29:51,263 Learn how to do that. 654 00:29:51,675 --> 00:29:56,963 So all that to say, if you know me, trust me, these five things 655 00:29:57,113 --> 00:30:00,323 are my hindsights that I wish somebody would've pulled me aside. 656 00:30:00,758 --> 00:30:06,497 And told me and made sure I understood and practiced even when I didn't think 657 00:30:06,497 --> 00:30:10,427 they were important, I would've made sure that my friend made me know that 658 00:30:10,427 --> 00:30:11,987 they were important and made me do them. 659 00:30:12,412 --> 00:30:15,277 So if you need help with your parenting plan, I'm your girl. 660 00:30:15,727 --> 00:30:19,747 If you need a friend, join the next chapter if you need. 661 00:30:20,182 --> 00:30:22,402 To learn more, get the masterclass. 662 00:30:22,402 --> 00:30:26,452 But I'm telling you, this comes down to brash tacks of what can you 663 00:30:26,452 --> 00:30:31,362 do for yourself, making yourself a fucking priority again, so that 664 00:30:31,362 --> 00:30:36,012 your kids see that and go, wow, I need to make myself a priority. 665 00:30:36,012 --> 00:30:37,902 Like mom is, like, dad is. 666 00:30:38,357 --> 00:30:40,112 You get one shot at this. 667 00:30:40,435 --> 00:30:44,412 Stop fucking it up trying to win and just show up for your kids. 668 00:30:44,758 --> 00:30:45,408 That's it.