All right.
Here are five things that I realize after 18 years of co-parenting, now that my kids
are grown and my co-parenting years are behind me, I have a lot of clarity that I
wish I probably would've had a lot sooner.
But when you're in it, everything just feels so urgent.
Everything feels extra emotional and everything feels like I have
to take care of this right now.
Like it's a very matter of fact.
But the hindsight that I'm gonna give you today is a little bit different.
And I hope, I just hope with today's episode that you trust me and you've
been around long enough with me that you know that I'm not a bullshitter.
You know that I'm not somebody that's gonna tell you something that truly isn't.
Tell you the ugly truth of my whole life.
And so today, as somebody that went through an extremely high
conflict co-parenting journey for years, and I'm on the other side
of it now and it is my business.
But I have been through enough therapy with myself and my children, and
I've been on a huge apology tour and have really helped my children over
the past, decade with things that I truly feel like these five things.
If I was brand new going into divorce and I'd been following me, Sam for a
while and I said these five things, I would probably hold onto them.
Even though they don't feel accurate for me right now.
I trust her.
So thank you for trusting me.
Let's dive into these things.
Now, I want you to keep in mind I got divorced when my kids were one and three.
They are now in their twenties and they are part of my business
helping me navigate how to improve co-parenting for high conflict couples.
So first and foremost thing that I wish I would've known at the beginning
that I just figured out at, you know, now that I have hindsight, is
how important the parenting plan.
Is, it matters more than you think.
And I know there's a lot of people out there that are early in
their journey or think that their attorney is telling them the truth
about, Hey, don't worry about it.
You guys will always be able to work it out after the ink dries, things calm down,
you know, and all those bullshit things.
If everything's gonna work out and everything's gonna be easier when we are
over this divorce, then why not just build a parenting plan just in case it's not?
Let's build a parenting plan that matters in high conflict and in
arguments and in bad seasons.
And then if by chance we are the couple that can get along forever,
then we never have to use it.
But if we do need to use it, then it better work for us, not against us.
So when you are going through your divorce, I just want you to keep in mind
that parenting plan is really important because it will be what you fall back on.
It's a document, but it's also the time.
You have with your kids, it's the schedule that you have, it's the holidays you
have, it's the ability to make decisions.
Without that parenting plan, you are in years of turmoil of conflict, either with
your ex or with your attorney or both.
And financial loss goes right with that.
So I wish I would've known all those years ago when I got handed
a four page parenting plan and I'm like, yes, I am divorced.
Oh, thank you.
And I was so excited.
And then a few months later when I went to use that said parenting plan,
I was like, well, wait a second.
I just spent a hundred thousand dollars on this divorce, and yes, I'm divorced
and yay for me, but I'm trying to actually use this practical piece
of paper and it doesn't work for me.
It actually works against me.
It's written very vaguely.
And so I didn't understand at the beginning how important
a parenting plan was.
So if you've been following me for a while, you know, that's what I do for
people is help build their parenting plan so they don't have that feeling.
Number two.
And this one's gonna sting a little bit, but I wish I would've understood
faster that I had zero goose egg.
Not a never gonna happen.
Ability to control the other parent.
This is the hardest thing because when we were married.
We did things together and we would figure things out.
And when we split up my house, did my thing, and his house did the other, and
there wasn't a lot of common ground and I couldn't control how they parented.
I couldn't control what they said to my children.
I couldn't control the choices they made.
That was very hard because a lot of those things were the opposite of
what we did when we were together.
And I couldn't wrap my head around, why are you doing things
that we've never done before?
Why are you saying things about me when you were just with me a year
ago, or months ago or days ago?
It was very hard for me to wrap my head around that I had no control
over what he fed them, what he did with them, what he said with them.
And mine was somebody that said a lot of stuff he shouldn't have said.
And that was very hard to not.
Go nuts about and to say something about, but when you can have radical
acceptance that you have zero control over that other parent, you
do get a little bit of peace back.
Now, I've been doing this a long time and people will come to me and they'll
say, Sam, how do I get my ex do this?
How do I get my ex to this?
And I said, oh, let's more talk about how does what they do affect you?
Why does that affect you so bad?
And it always comes back to one thing.
You're afraid of them hurting the children, but here's the reality
spinoff of that, that you can't stop.
Those are your kids' parents.
You are their parent, and that parent is their parent.
That's your kid's life.
A bad egg.
They got dealt.
A parent that doesn't fit well, they got dealt.
A parent that chooses bad things or different choices that don't
align, and that child needs to see that clearly and get used to it.
Or figure out how to deal with it.
And that's what you can help with is how to help your child deal with a parent.
That may be a little different to the extreme.
That's not helpful, but you can't control the other parent.
But what you can control is your responses, your boundaries,
and your documentation.
And man will go to town on all that, but you can't control them.
I see so many parents saying, Sam, I I want them to put the kids down earlier.
They let them stay up till 10.
They need to be in bed at 7 30, 8 o'clock.
We can't control that, Sam, I can't believe that they're
vaping in the car with my child.
You can't control that.
Now, both of those scenarios, are there things you can do?
Sure, I can reach out to a teacher and say, Hey, I have a bedtime.
That's pretty early.
I don't know about the other house.
If my child ever comes to school and feels, you know, distraught.
Really sleepy.
I, I just ask that you document that and let me know, and if maybe they
could stay in and rest during recess or during pe I'd really appreciate it.
But please let me know if my ex is vaping in the car with my child.
If it's illegal in the county or city I live in, I may just call them and turn
them in, get them a ticket, but I'm not going to go to my ex and say, you need
to put the kids down at seven 30 and you need to stop vaping in that car.
I have no control over another human being.
There are so many parents like you out there that are wasting so much energy,
time, and space on this topic right here.
I did a decade.
I tried to control the situation.
Why does he keep talking shit about me to my children?
He needs to stop.
I took him to court.
The court said, sir, stop talking about her to your children.
Okay?
He's in the car.
By the time he is in the car, he is already told him something.
You can't control the other parent.
What you have to do is have radical acceptance that you can't control it.
And then we switch to what can I control, which is my time with
my children, and how I make them feel good when they're with me.
How do I make them feel safe when they're with me?
How I make them feel like they're validated when they're with me, how I
give them the tools to survive that house?
That's what I can do.
Some of you all are telling me things like, you know, he
doesn't brush our kids' teeth.
Well, I'm gonna tell you what, until you teach your kid how to brush your
kids their own teeth and make it a priority and to make it a thing, your
kid's gonna have some dirty ass teeth.
They're just things you don't have control over.
Quit spinning.
Out of control about it yourself and being all dysregulated about
a house you can no longer control.
I would love to have all that time back.
I would love to have that nervous system regulated way sooner than
what I did because I was stuck on this one for a long time.
Because here's the biggest part of it, you would never do
these things to your children.
You would never set them up for failure and vape in the car with them, or keep
them up till 10 o'clock at night or speak ill of the other parent to them
because you would not wanna harm them.
It doesn't mean that other parent has those same expectations.
You have different expectations for how you show up and how you parent.
That other parent can do whatever the hell they want.
And here's the fun of it all, is that at the end of your child's
journey with them, they determine what parent they want around.
My children have chosen me and my husband, they no longer engage
with their dad, not by my actions.
By his actions, his own actions, their own relationship.
My son and daughter's relationship with their dad and their interactions has a
domino effect to how they are as adults and who they choose to have around them.
So when I was trying to micromanage his house, I was trying to make
all of their relationships whole.
And, okay, well if you would just do this, they'd stay.
If you would just do this, they'd like you.
If you would just do this, they'd understand if you
would just do this with them.
they would appreciate you more and blah, blah, blah, blah,
blah, and get ahead of this.
And I was trying to help him so much trying to control that other
house, but that's not who he is.
And once they saw who he was, well then they all made a choice.
You can't control the other parent.
Number three.
This one's gonna trigger me a little bit.
Woo.
Okay.
I told you I was probably gonna get emotional.
Your kids see more than you think your kids do.
Notice the tension, the manipulation.
The inconsistencies or the consistencies, they know who shows up.
They see you trying, they see the other parent lacking.
You don't have to explain everything.
Over time as your kids grow up, they will see all the patterns on their own.
Your job.
Is to stay steady with how you show up.
And this is one I didn't understand probably till I was almost done
with my co-parenting journey that I thought my kids were gonna be so
angry with me and so mad at me, and so frustrated with their childhood and
so disappointed and all these things.
And then when we're in therapy or we're talking, or we're talking about our
Journal entries, or we're doing gratitude together, and they're talking about
how I provided this and I did this, and even they were struggling, mom still
showed up and, they saw all of it.
They saw when I was trying, they saw when I did the little things,
the little things mattered to them.
And it wasn't these big, huge gestures.
It was the small things that I did.
Your kids see everything.
They absorb everything.
They feel everything.
And when I finally woke up after probably close to a decade of horrible co-parenting
and trying to control and letting him run our house from a different house and using
everything through a dad filter, because I was worried about pissing him off.
And when I finally woke up.
It became this different person and my, confidence got bigger and my
boundaries got stronger, and my ability to just self-regulate was great.
My kids sucked over to me and they're like, we want more of this.
And it all came down to my kids understanding how they felt
when they were with each parent.
They felt calm and regulated with me.
They felt like they had a purpose and they had choices, and they had
freedoms and they had love, and they had validation and they were seen and
they had discipline and they had, just consistency of love on no conditions.
They didn't have to perform to get my love.
They didn't have to say things to get my love.
It was just there.
And then at the other house, their stomach felt a different way.
And they had to check a box to get love, and they had to do certain X,
Y, and Z to receive validation, and they had to be seen a certain way.
And kids aren't blind to that.
How they get there and when they say it or when they do
something about it is different.
For all of you, and this is a popular question I get, I get this question a lot.
Like, when can my kids have a choice?
Every kid is different.
Every situation is different.
everything is different.
I can't tell you at, hey, at 12 years old, hey, it's 16.
What you have to do is ride the boat that you are showing
up for your kids consistently.
With all those things be the normal regulated one.
Be the one that just tries.
I don't care if you try imperfectly.
I don't care if you try and fail.
I don't care if you try and you struggle, but just try and
your kids will see all that.
My kids tried or saw me trying.
My kids saw me trying to pay for sports.
My kids saw me trying to lose weight.
My kids saw me trying to regulate my nervous system and
put myself in an adult timeout.
My kids saw me struggling.
they heard me come back and apologize.
They heard me come back and say, what can I do for you?
Hey, that wasn't about you, my kids.
I was so authentically myself when I woke up.
My kids saw that man, mom was this way for 10 years with him in that situation,
but here's who she is now and here's who she's trying to be, and she's showing us
that we can detach and be ourselves now.
I ran everything through a dad filter at my house for 10 years.
I was worried about getting in trouble.
I was worried about going to court.
I was worried about being a bad co-parent.
I was worried about him having more ammo to talk more shit about me.
I was worried, worried, worried.
And there just came a day where I was just like, fuck, I can't do that anymore.
Radical acceptance, he's never gonna change.
No matter how nice I am.
He is who he is, and I just need to move the fuck on.
And when I did.
My kids saw that.
They saw that he didn't change, but they saw that I evolved and I became a
better parent, and I became a better Sam.
That was the first and foremost thing that changed is I became a better Sam,
which then had me as a better mom, which then had me as a better teacher,
which then had me as a better daughter and a better sis, all the things.
When I started working on Sam first, I prioritized Sam and my kids saw
that, and you know what happened?
My kids prioritized themselves when they saw me making me number one.
They became their own number one.
And it wasn't about pleasing somebody over here.
It was about pleasing themselves.
And then, oh yeah.
And then mom's proud of me too.
That's great.
But I'm not doing it to make mom proud.
I'm doing it because I wanna do it.
And they kept witnessing me perform for myself.
I was doing shit for myself first.
And if they said, good job, I'm like, cool.
I know.
I'm proud of myself too.
I'm not doing it for you.
I'm doing it for me.
When you get to this point where you start prioritizing yourself
over everybody, your kids will follow and do the exact same thing.
But when you put somebody else, like a co-parent ahead of
yourself, guess what your kids do?
Put that co-parent ahead of themselves, and even you, because you're teaching them
that I taught my kids that for 10 years.
Just do this so he doesn't get mad.
Just do this so he doesn't get angry.
Just do this.
Come, come on you guys.
You know him.
Let's not do that.
Come on you guys.
You know, he's gonna scream and holler.
You know, he is gonna take me back to court.
Come on you guys.
We prioritized him for 10 years, but when I switched to me, woo, domino
effect, those kids were begging for me to be my number one cheerleader so that
they could be their own cheerleader and not have to cheer either one of us on.
But I'm gonna tell you what, this is a good one.
Your kids see more than you think.
They see you struggling, but they also see you trying.
They see that you're afraid of them.
They see that you're scared.
They can sense it.
They know it.
Hell, the other parents probably telling 'em, your mom's scared of me.
Your dad's petrified of me.
But when they finally see you pump your chest up a little bit, it's all right.
You wanna take me back to court?
I don't care.
I got this going on with work.
We're good here.
We just paid this off.
we're good.
We're living life over here.
That confidence, those kids are begging for it, but they're also
begging for a real parent that when they struggle, they own it.
I struggle with losing weight, man.
I'm struggling with this.
I need motivation.
I gotta motivate myself.
You know, maybe I'll put a picture of myself up.
maybe I'll get a into a program.
You know, your kids see you trying versus using excuses like the other parent does.
I'm telling you this one, I could talk for hours about how your kids see you and
they also see that other parent and, but what do you want them to notice about you?
All right, number four, again, peace becomes more valuable than winning.
Now, this works a lot with my clients who are, you know, going
into mediation or going into their, parenting plan negotiations.
And, you know, a lot of times money is talked about and.
You know, I have a woman right now who's on year four of her negotiations.
she's getting done dirty by attorneys who just love that she keeps paying for
four years and she's due a lot of money.
We're talking millions, and he's dragging his feet.
I mean, why would he, why, why wouldn't he?
He doesn't wanna lose millions.
He doesn't wanna give her millions.
I mean, I get it.
The ego's huge.
But the law is the law.
And for me.
We're at a point with her where we're like, walk away, take a
really low amount and walk away.
We gotta stop the bleeding.
At some point, you are hemorrhaging with trauma as you drag this
out going into year five.
Now the ex will think that's a win because he may get to keep his millions in this
example, he may, but that's not a win for her, he thinks, but it is to her.
She gets to stop paying attorneys.
She gets to finally be divorced.
She gets to end this portion of her life.
Her kids and her get to move on and value more things.
The stress can leave her body, the anxiety can leave her body.
She no longer has to hit wince when an email pops in from her attorney.
There is something to be said about walking away or just being done with
the same arguments over and over again.
One of the biggest wins that I got.
Was starting to pay for everything.
Now, with narcissist, money is the root of all evil.
They will drag and talk and bitch and moan about money all
the time, if you know, you know.
So when my kids got into high school, I started paying for things.
All of it paid for cars, paid for cell phones, paid for copays, paid for
extracurriculars, paid for school, paid for field trips, paid for yearbooks,
paid for every senior pictures, paid for dentists, paid for braces Paid for it all.
My parenting plan didn't mention half of those things, but the things that they
did mention, like copays or deductibles, I didn't send a bill for anymore, and I know
that my ex thought that was a win for him.
Kudos to you, bro.
How was last Christmas?
Because my kids were with me.
Hey, did you hear that one of our kids started a new business last week?
No, I did because I didn't make winning.
A priority.
I made peace.
A priority?
Yeah.
Did he have to pay me half of those things?
Sure.
Did I go after it?
No, because my peace was more valuable than money.
Peace becomes the thing you seek out when you get into this co-parenting
journey with high conflict people.
From afar, it may look like you're losing.
Well, why would you pay for all that?
Well, why would you just give up on that?
Why would you let them do that?
Why?
Because my fucking peace is worth a lot more than any amount of money, and I wanna
stay regulated and I wanna stay calm.
I wanna have a plateau for a while.
I don't like the ups and the downs.
So early on, I know all of you parents, you wanna win that argument.
You wanna win that case.
You wanna win that judgment, you wanna win that modification.
But over time you start to really realize that everything isn't about a battle.
It's about how can I show my kids, then I'm calm and I'm regulated.
Your energy matters.
When I was going through 300 court entries in and outta court for eight years,
how do you think my nervous system was?
I'll tell you, dis fucking regulated.
I'd cry one day.
I'd laugh one day.
Hell, I'd cry and laugh 10 times in the same day.
I used alcohol to cope.
I use smoking secretly as a way to call myself.
I surrounded myself with dramatic fucked up people so that my life
looked somewhat fucking calm.
There was no peace in my life during that phase.
I panicked every time the phone rang.
I double panicked every time I saw a manila envelope in the mailbox.
I'd cringe every time my lawyer and I had a meeting I'd throw
up every time I had court.
You think all that's peace just 'cause I was trying to win at something.
I was trying to win my kids, right?
I was trying to win a higher amount for child support because he made a lot.
I was a teacher.
I was trying to win.
I didn't have peace on the books at all.
Who felt all of that?
My kids.
My kids again.
I've done an apology tour.
My anxiety was through the fucking roof.
I'm just now post co-parenting, getting my nervous system calm.
That's how dysregulated I've been for decades.
But your mental health matters.
So from the outside, when people say, I can't believe you're giving into
that, I can't believe, I can't believe, I can't believe, well, they don't
understand how bad it is, and they don't understand what peace feels like
in your body, what safety feels like.
So protecting your peace is the bigger victory.
And here's the deal, a little secret, I'll tell you for free.
Your life will get better when you stop engaging with negativity.
Everything about that human being is negative.
Their attitude, their presence, the arguments over money, the arguments over
the dominance of decisions, all of it.
When you stop feeding into that machine, your life completely changes.
When I went after peace, I met Jared, I met my husband.
I lost weight.
I got healthy.
I don't drink.
I don't do any drugs.
I don't smoke.
I go to church.
I do gratitude.
I work out.
Everything about my life changed.
The second I stopped looking in this corner and feeding that machine.
And people say, oh, so you lost No, no.
I'm getting ready to go hang out with all my kids today.
I'm winning.
Because here's the deal that nobody tells you this 18 year battle over these
kids and trying to win at everything.
Your kids are kids for 18 years.
They're adults with you a hell of a lot longer.
And I wish somebody would've told me that little tip.
While we're over here fighting for these 18 years and trying to win at
all of it, your adult children will have a different perspective on how
they got treated for those 18, and you better hope your asses around for the
longer duration, which is adulthood.
And now that my kids are adults, I'm just gonna tell you way cool.
It's way cool to have kids as adults.
It's fun.
I mean, don't get me wrong, there's the panic every once in a while when
it's like, Hey, how's your credit card?
Are you paying it off?
You know?
But that's fun.
You're teaching them something, you get to have all these wins.
You know, my son is thriving with his partner in business.
My daughter is going to the Morgan Wallen concert tonight in Tuscaloosa.
And if you know, you know, that's like a big deal.
We are thriving as adults.
I get to be a part of that because of how I conducted myself and improved myself.
Was it pretty the first eight, 10 years?
No, but I improved where the last 10 years were fucking awesome,
and they remember that show up the right way in the 18 years.
So you get the next 40 with your kids.
You fuck up the 18.
You don't get a phone call in the next 40.
You don't get Christmas in the next 40.
You don't get a special call or a card or anything, or a
FaceTime or family vacation.
You don't get that.
If you fuck up the first 18, find peace in the first 18 so you have
them with you in the next 40.
Telling you hindsight, last one, and I know this sounds cliche, I know it does.
Time moves faster than what you expect.
I know when I got told Sam, you have 50 50 now, this is coming
after, eight days in court.
hundreds of thousands of dollars spent on lawyers.
43 witnesses.
When I got told 50 50, I collapsed.
I don't remember much after it.
I know I was at work.
I know my mom had to come get me.
I don't remember the next couple days because I thought, how in the
hell am I going to co-parent with this person that just did this to me?
Just drug me through court.
Wouldn't agree in mediation.
Had all these witnesses, you guys, I had two witnesses.
He had 40 some witnesses.
how can I do this?
50 50 with him?
The light at the end of that tunnel was so fucking small.
It was like the drop of a pin.
But I'm gonna tell you what, that shit got bright real quick.
It goes by fast.
The exchanges, the holidays, all of it.
It goes by fast, especially when it's half the time.
If you're doing 50 50.
So you better show up for whatever time you have.
You make those holidays important.
You make 'em special.
You only get 18 holidays with your kids.
There's no guarantee they are gonna be there Christmas morning
when they're 27 and married.
You make the first 18 special.
I don't care if it's the day or around the day, there's a whole training
on that, but it goes by super fast.
18 summers, 18 winter breaks.
That's all you get.
That's it When they're miners.
Now again, we're thriving to have them for the next 40.
It does go by fast.
I would give anything.
Oh,
to have a do over.
' cause I fucked up the first 10 years ' cause I was so worried about winning.
And I was so worried about my ex. And I was so worried about court
and I was so worried about proving that I was a good co-parent.
I was so worried about the stupidest shit.
The stupidest shit.
That I didn't show up the way I should have, and I didn't know how fast it
was gonna go, and I wish somebody would've shook me and woke me up to you.
Only get one time that they turn 10.
You only get one time that they go to junior high dance for the first time.
You only get one time at this shit.
And I was so worried about winning.
I would give anything to have them in my bed.
But I didn't let them sleep in my bed because I was worried that the
co-parent would find out and then take me to court and call me weird because
I was letting them sleep in my bed.
Let them sleep in your bed.
Put your fucking phones down and play with your kids.
Stop worrying about the laundry and the dishes and the fucking dinners.
Fucking cook a frozen pizza and call it a day.
Play show up.
Stop skipping shit because your ex is gonna be there.
Fucking go Take the pictures, be in the fucking pictures.
It goes by so fast.
I just think about Josie and Walker and how much I would kill to have their
childhood back because I robbed them blind because I let all of this stupid shit.
Fucking become so important.
My lawyers made me believe so many wrong things.
Oh, I'm telling you, it goes by so fast.
And when I hug my bigs, now I hug for so long and I smell them.
And I just think, gosh, how different their childhood could have been
if mom would've woke up sooner.
Thank God I did.
But it goes by so fast and a lot of you are prioritizing the wrong things.
Their kids.
I saw a TikTok today and I sent it to Jared and it said, oh my gosh.
It said, what do you do for a living?
And the parent said, or the person said, I parent.
That's it.
What I do at my nine to five is not important.
My job is parenting, and I was so fucked up Back in the day, guys, I would say
my job would've been to be an ex-wife.
That was my priority for a long time.
be a good ex-wife.
You get one time being their parent one time to make sure they
feel the most love, they feel the most control over their safety.
It's your job.
And I fucked that up for years.
And it goes by fast and you have little time to fix it before
they're out in the world having to navigate and figure things out.
And it's all on how you, program them.
Are they gonna be able to deal with problems?
I don't know.
Did they watch you deal with problems?
Well, are they gonna be able to know when someone gives them the ick and what to do?
Or did you show them that, oh, even though he gives me the ick, I'm still
gonna be around him all the time, like.
You get a short fucking window to love them and teach them
everything that you possibly can to make them survive adulthood.
'cause it's fucking scary.
I got a kid in college and I got a kid living life, and it's just like
every day I'm like, are you okay?
Are you okay?
You do your best, but it goes by so fast.
So not everything has to be a fucking win, but everything should be peaceful.
That's what they fucking need is somebody that prioritizes peace over winning.
I don't give a flying.
Fuck what your ex thinks.
Oh, he's gonna think he won.
She's gonna think she beat me.
Who fucking cares?
What do your kids think about you?
That you are just as fucked up as them, or you regulated and choose
peace and love over the bullshit.
I chose bullshit for 10 years.
I don't get that time back.
I forgive myself because I did the best I can with the things I had
and the knowledge I had and the abilities I had, but I know better
now, and you do too after just watching this short little episode.
You know better.
So do better.
That's why I end every fucking email and TikTok and social media
post know better do better now you.
So do it better show up for your fucking kids.
I don't care that your ex is there.
I don't care that he brought his new piece of ass or she brought her 17th boyfriend.
I don't give a shit.
Your kids want you there.
Show the fuck up.
Do better for your kids because this time goes by so fast.
You get four proms, right?
You get all these short little things.
And your first focus when you're in this hyper vigilance of high conflict is like,
oh God, but my ex is gonna be, no, Stacy.
Your kid will be there.
Fuck it.
I can tune anybody out.
Learn how to do that.
So all that to say, if you know me, trust me, these five things
are my hindsights that I wish somebody would've pulled me aside.
And told me and made sure I understood and practiced even when I didn't think
they were important, I would've made sure that my friend made me know that
they were important and made me do them.
So if you need help with your parenting plan, I'm your girl.
If you need a friend, join the next chapter if you need.
To learn more, get the masterclass.
But I'm telling you, this comes down to brash tacks of what can you
do for yourself, making yourself a fucking priority again, so that
your kids see that and go, wow, I need to make myself a priority.
Like mom is, like, dad is.
You get one shot at this.
Stop fucking it up trying to win and just show up for your kids.
That's it.