right.
It is no secret around here that your girl, Sam, here, spent an
ass load of money on her divorce.
What is not talked about is the damage long-term that it had on me.
I think first and foremost, I am gonna be completely transparent.
Transparent.
I at 47 years old, am still.
Working on the damage from my divorce financially back when I was in my
early thirties, meaning I don't still carry debt for my divorce.
That's not what I'm talking about.
I'm talking about the financial abuse I went through.
Still has ill effects on me because for me, and maybe this
makes sense to you, listening, money means I can protect my kids.
So if I don't have money.
I can't protect my kids.
Now let me unpack that in today's episode, but that's what I'm talking about.
So today I wanna talk about something that almost no one really talks
about when it comes to divorce, which is the financial burden.
Nobody leads their communication with their attorney and saying like, oh,
your attorney's like no big deal.
You know it, it'll barely cost you anything.
No, it's usually a really big topic in your divorce.
and your, conversations with your attorney is talking about the financial
burden that it's going to endure.
And I hope all of you're reading your contracts and you know what,
you're gonna be getting charged.
But when you're in the middle class or struggling financially, trying to
make inmates while also protecting your kids, it can fuck you up.
The reality is divorce in a custody battle is not cheap, and the financial scars
are long lasting after the case is over.
So this is what it feels like when you're in it.
And for those of you listening, if you know, you know, for many
parents it, it feels like every paycheck already has a job.
Every paycheck already has a place to go.
Bills are already tight.
You're also trying to save for those special moments.
And then on top of that, you throw in a divorce, and now we have attorney
fees, we have court filing fees, we have mediation or other professionals,
we have unexpected hearings.
So you're constantly asking yourself all the time, like, will I have enough money?
Will I ever have enough money?
And for me, again, I am years out from my co-parenting and my divorce.
But I'm still dealing with how traumatic that financial
loss was all those years ago.
Constantly in this battle mode, right?
When you're dealing with a high conflict co-parent, you never have financial safety
because it's constantly being spent.
Just when you save enough money, the lawyer takes it.
Just when you save enough money, they come after it.
When you save enough money, now you have another mediation session.
You're constantly worrying about the next thing.
So you're constantly tied up with money concerns and if somebody doesn't
understand this, like your friends, your family, or new, significant others, and
they're like, don't worry, I'll help you.
No, you don't get it.
Just when we have enough, it's going to go away.
When Jared got into my life, I was done for the most part, going to court
at that point, and I was just getting my head above water financially.
I had a savings account again.
I had a second job where I was working in MLM and I was making some
side money and some spending money, and we had some breathable space.
When I say my head was above water, I would say my nose for the first time
in 10 years was finally above water.
Before that, my whole body was underneath water, but I finally
had had my nose above water.
He couldn't understand this concept of why I was constantly trying to
save or constantly penny pinching or constantly couponing or constantly
just building my savings up.
And I kept saying, Jer, I call him Bear, bear.
No matter what.
We have to have a savings because he's going to come.
He always comes, he always files.
He always motions for something and I have to have enough money for a lawyer.
Mind you, I was still paying off my first lawyer, but.
I always had this mode of be prepared for battle, be prepared
for battle, be prepared for court.
Always have enough money saved for a down payment or a retainer of attorney.
And that is just like this armor that I had built around me.
That money meant that I could protect my kids and no amount
of money was the right amount.
And you guys, I do really well in my job.
I still am battling this now of like, no amount of money is enough because you
never know when he is gonna come for you.
That's the psychological abuse I was enduring all those years, and I didn't
understand it because I was in such fight or flight mode during that process.
I didn't understand how much money was going out the window and how
poor I really was, and how much I was struggling to pay bills.
And I was, stealing from my neighbors.
I was stealing wifi and stealing things from them to like survive in my household.
And like I did all these ugly, gross, disgusting financial
decisions to provide for my children.
And it's hung with me for decades because I didn't recognize it
when it was happening, and I didn't get help for it until now.
Even when I'm making money and there's no concern of threats anymore, it's done.
That trauma is still there.
And no one talks about this.
No one talks about that financial trauma that you go through when someone
continually threatens you and it never stops, and you get a lot of your friends
and family are like, just enjoy your life.
You know, go on the trip, spend the money, and you're like,
I need money for an attorney.
I need to be able to defend myself.
I need to be able to protect my kids.
So money stops the feeling of security, like I can't feel secure with money.
Those two things don't go together.
I don't feel comfort with money.
I don't feel stable.
Money is survival to me and I can't live without it because I'll
lose my kids if I don't have it.
That was like a true feeling I had that if I didn't have money, I would lose my kids.
So surprise to me was even after all these custody battles were over for me.
That scar just didn't disappear.
It hung with me.
So even though I'm able to talk about my journey and talk about
this, I still had money blocks years, decades later, because money just
had this connection to protection and no amount was enough because
no amount of protection was enough.
That's just a really, it is not even embarrassing to say, because I know
you listening are, feeling the same way that no amount of money is ever
enough, and it's a lot of the reasons why you get blocked from having your
next relationship because you feel like number one, is somebody gonna
be able to deal with the amount of money I have to spend on attorneys?
Number two, is somebody gonna understand my theories around money that I have
to save, save, save, and conserve because of the just in case moment,
I'm not living by the moment, I'm saving for the moment all the time.
And you don't want anybody to have to take on the debt that you.
From this divorce and being able to pay it off with you.
So it is a roadblock that nobody talks about and it's really frustrating to
me, but I'm working through it now because my body is what's held onto it.
So now, all those years that are behind me, I can logically see it differently,
but my body still feels a certain way and I'm in real time when I'm recording
this, working through it with therapy of getting my body to feel safe.
With a certain amount of any money, instead of being like,
oh, that's not enough, that's not enough, that's not enough.
That is enough.
I'm comfortable.
I am safe.
My kids are grown, my battle is over, but my body remembers the stress.
So even though my brain can logically look and be like,
we have abundance, we're fine.
My body still feels like, but he could come.
He could come and you better be ready.
And that is a horrible thing to feel.
Even when I knew we were done, back when I was co-parenting, and I'm like,
eh, you know, the last kid went out like we were pretty much settled.
We just gotta ride this out For a couple years, my body was still
remembering the score, right?
That book is a phenomenal book.
The body keeps the score and my body had been trained on that.
There is no amount of money in the world that'll make you feel safe because he's
constantly gonna be coming for you.
And the part about this also is that nobody really understands.
The fear that money brings you, like when you don't have it, there's a fear
that takes over when you don't have it, you go into this ugly survival
mode and you will do things that your friends and family will be like.
You did that?
Yeah, I had to.
I had no money.
You'll contemplate doing illegal things because of the money.
It's one of the most popular questions we get is, Sam, how did
you pay for a six figure divorce?
I'll tell you, maxed out credit cards.
Parents dove into their retirement funds, which I'm still paying them back.
It's one of those things where I robbed Peter to pay Paul.
I did the unthinkable.
I got different jobs.
I was distracted by selling things or having, garage sales.
I did a lot of stuff, to help pay for my kids' sports that I'm not proud of and
or creative things that I am proud of.
You do a lot of things to survive this, but it was not pretty.
I had a savings account when I got divorced sure as hell.
Didn't sold things, sold my wedding ring, sold a whole bunch of things
to make sure that I could provide because money meant protecting my kids.
So I'm telling you, if you're going through this right now, even once you
get through this, that scar may still be there and I'm no therapist, but it is
something you really gotta pay attention to because again, my journey is over.
My co-parenting journey is over.
My business is doing well.
We have abundance, but I still have a trigger with money of there never
being enough because of the way my body feels that it's never enough.
When I see a number, it's not enough because it wasn't enough
for a decade, couple decades.
And so it's really heavy for you to talk about this with
people that just don't get it.
I get it.
Your therapist will hopefully get it, but you have to start making small shifts in
getting your head wrapped into the idea that you need money for your divorce.
You need money to raise children.
But you also need to have some sanity with it as well, and not make it a consumption
like I did, where I was constantly working, constantly trying to earn
money, constant, constant, constantly.
Even when there was nothing going on.
In my case, I was constantly burdened with trying to find enough money,
money, money, money, always, because again, money meant safety to me.
So a small ship that helps, is preparation.
Okay, maybe I have a couple thousand dollars saved.
I'm good coming up with a strategy, documenting what's going on in your
case to where you can maybe see like, will I have to file, oh, I
don't have enough money saved yet.
Maybe I'll save a little bit more.
Then I'll go file for a modification or a contempt, but also just making sure your
parenting plan is working for you as well.
Does it say anything about extra expenses that they have to help on?
Does it say details around child support and when it's due
and how it's due and all that?
Making sure anything tied to money.
Has details around it in your divorce.
It's not up in the air for questioning or determining or interpretation, like it
clearly says when money is due and when it's not due, but also the other half
of this is working with your attorney on your bill and understanding what does your
contract say, because if you've been here a while, you know that my attorney sued
me 30 days after my judgment was put in.
So while I was reeling with the idea that we just spent all this money and
eight days in court, we got handed 50 50, which is what we were already doing.
So to me, we spent all this money for nothing.
We got handed 50, 50, 30 days later, my attorney sued me for the remainder
of my bill, which was roughly $13,000.
And I had to pay it within I think seven days or I was going to jail.
Yes.
And I didn't have $13,000.
I didn't fucking have $200.
So to me, you really have to understand what your contract says with your
attorney on how you will pay your bill.
Is there interest?
What are your payments?
What about when your case is over?
What does it look like?
So my traumas aren't just from my divorce and my ex-husband, it's also from my
attorney's office on the person that represented me for years, within 30 days.
I was just a number to them.
A means to an end, and that's it, which created even more
trauma around my financial abuse.
So for me, divorce and custody battles also take a huge financial toll on
you, and you need to have the ability to understand it's emotional scarring
that's gonna happen around money over time, that you are gonna have to
untangle along with making sure your kids don't have those same financial scars
because of the scars you went through.
So a part of healing and recognizing those patterns is giving yourself
permission to slowly rebuild a healthier relationship with money, stability,
and security, because you don't want that to bleed into your kids.
So other episodes that would be helpful for you would be episode
nine, where we talked about child support not being the only expense.
Then also episode 21, where we talked about hiring the right kind of attorney
and knowing all those checks and balances that you really need to look through.
So if you're in the middle of a high conflict divorce and custody situation,
one of the most important ways to protect yourself financially is to structure
your parenting plans that you are not constantly being drug into court.
So again, my parenting plan was four pages long.
We had to go in and out of court to fix it, edit it, update it, and that cost
money each and every time we went back.
So just when I think, okay, we got that taken care of, woo.
Start saving for the next time because without doubt, three months for later,
three months later, it was always within three months, he would file a new motion.
Our parenting plan would be horrible.
We'd ha something wouldn't be mentioned and we'd have to file again, which is more
financial abuse, more financial burden, more, more finances going out the window.
It was just this chaos for years because my parenting plan was written so poorly.
Now again, did I have to go to court all those times?
I mean, yeah, he was the one filing the motions.
I could have just been like, well, whatever you want,
well, whatever you want.
I chose to go into battle and to not give into his motions because I
didn't think that's what was best.
So a lot of it is making sure you understand by education,
what your parenting plan can do for you and not work for you.
But then also really thinking about should you be asking others to help
you with this financial burden?
I was fortunate enough, I had parents that were willing.
To cash in part of their retirement to help me.
Did they take a financial hit for that?
Yes.
Yes, they did.
Right?
And so I am having to, for my own guilt and shame, pay them back because
that's what I can do now, but I couldn't do that for a couple decades.
And so maybe you're asking your friends and family to help you out
financially because it is burdensome what this divorce will do to you.
and I'll just say this at the end, it always impresses me how long rich
people's divorces drag out years, right?
It impresses me when there's one party that has money,
how long this will drag out.
I used to work at a nonprofit to help the lower income families with mediation.
It's amazing how quick their divorces get over.
It's amazing how quick the system pushes them through when they have no money.
Maybe there's something there.
Maybe it means when you have money, people in the system like lawyers and
judges and mediators and all that, see that you have money just a little bit.
We're not talking millions.
We're talking just a savings account and they make sure you don't end that
divorce with that savings account.
But it's amazing to me how two people living off the state and
have no means to ends, their divorces get through pretty quick.
And I'm not saying that's a hundred percent accurate statement, it's just my
experience with working at a low income.
Mediation service for free pro bono to help those clients out because they
deserve to have mediation as well.
How fast those got through the system versus when one party has a little
bit of coin, all of a sudden now we're dragging her out and nothing
can be settled and determined.
So food for thought, really think about why your divorce is being drug out.
Why is it taking so long?
And for some of you it's because the people in your case also
know you can pay the bill.