held up my hand to show the ring and said we were getting married.
Silence.
No congratulations, nothing, just everyone sitting there staring at us.
I just stood there awkwardly until his mom finally said, " Well, are you gonna
show us the ring?" So I sat down and showed her and his sister the ring.
His sister kind of grimaced and said, "It's pretty?"
like it was a question.
Hi, guys.
Welcome back to another episode of Here Comes the Drama.
I'm your host, Christa Innis, and thank you for being here, especially
if you're a longtime listener.
If it's your first time, I'm excited for what we have in store for you.
I'm always working at making this podcast better and more enjoyable, so if as you're
listening, you ever have feedback or you have suggestions, please send them
over to me at hello@christainnis.com.
Always interested to hear what you guys have to say, especially if
you've been listening for a while.
You know my content.
You know me.
Happy to hear it.
So starting off this week, I wanna read a recent review of the podcast.
It says, "Christa, please don't do a I'm just a to yourself.
I'm old enough to be your mom, and let me tell you, everything you're doing is
important to someone, most of all you.
Allowing yourself a little slower pace with small kids is okay too.
Don't worry, we listeners will all be here." Okay, I have to say that that
message, review brought tears to my eyes, because, I think she's probably
replying to a couple weeks back, I posted about kind of struggling.
There was a lot going on.
I struggle with a lot of, giving myself time to slow down.
I feel like I always have to be doing something in order
to be, valuable sometimes.
I don't know where that comes from, but, like, I hate resting.
I hate taking time off.
But one of the really awesome things about being a toddler mom is allowing
myself that time to be with her, and, I constantly feel this push and pull.
But it's also just fun to allow myself to be more present with her.
and my husband and I have a pretty good, like, schedule down of, like,
when, you know, he's with her and takes her somewhere, and when I'm
with her, I take her somewhere, and then we have family time.
But I was just really feeling it a few weeks back when I was recording, or a
few months back when I was recording.
So, I just wanna say thank you to everybody for all the kind messages.
I'm a very go, go, go type person.
I love check boxes.
I love accomplishing things.
But those downtime moments and the moments with my family just really mean
the most to me, and so seeing those messages was just, like, reminding
myself that, I'm helping people, and I'm also, like, sharing entertainment.
and it's really important to be, present when I can and also take breaks.
So thank you for those really, really kind messages.
so in regards and in relation to all of that, on the podcast, I like to remind
myself, like- We made a change probably about a year after doing the podcast.
I, of course, love reading the shocking submissions, the story submissions
from you guys because, I mean, that's what kind of started this whole
thing, these wild wedding stories.
kind of just talking through them of, like, what should
you do in this situation?
How should this have been handled differently?
Or when is it appropriate to maybe distance yourself from someone
or, stand up for yourself, right?
And with that, we kind of started adding in more conversations around
all kinds of things, whether that's relationships, the mental load.
We've talked about, therapy, self-love, um, education system.
Like, literally there's no box keeping us in.
We kind of talk about all kinds of things with people on the show.
So for today's episode, I want to do something a little bit different and
replay some of my most favorite lessons from, some guests we've had on the show.
So we have Brianna, we have Paige O'Connell, we have Janelle
Rydel, and Colleen Bogert.
just some important things that we talked about with them, as well
as the stories that we reacted.
They have just a great way with words.
and these were podcasts that I listened to back afterwards,
and I was just like, " Whoa."
Like, I took something away from it.
Especially Brianna, she was more recent, so I think that's why it's just,
like, in my head a little bit more.
I felt like it was a full-on therapy session.
I was going through kind of like a challenging time with my toddler
when I recorded that one, and she gave such helpful advice.
so we're gonna replay that, but please stick around at the very
end because I will be reacting to a brand-new story submission.
so I was pregnant in grad school.
I had to do like my internship as a therapist, like while I was pregnant.
I also looked very, very young at that point because I was like 23.
I was a baby and I looked like a baby.
So that threw another thing that I was like, I already feel
young seeing these clients.
I dunno what the heck I'm doing.
I'm pregnant.
What is happening?
So it was like kind of a crazy time, but it all worked out.
I had, our first.
Son and then graduated three days after that in grad school.
Oh my gosh.
It was crazy.
And then a month before he was born, we like moved into our house.
So it all, worked out.
But all that to say we were at very different points in our
life when we had our first baby.
and while I think like in comparison to a lot of like maybe evangelical people,
we were a little bit more progressive.
We still were on the conservative side.
so I would say that's been one of the biggest changes is my viewpoints
from when I was a new mom till now, just have changed a lot.
and even just like becoming a mom, knowing how hard it is.
and like, wonderful of course.
But I'm like, I really think you wanna be able to choose this, you know?
because there are hard days where even if you wanted it, you're like.
I wanna run away for a day, right?
So I think everyone should have that choice.
So I think that's been super, super impactful on me, is just seeing
how hard it is even with all of like the resources and support I
have and not everyone has that.
so I started, a therapist and I've, always worked part-time 'cause we've
always had a baby or toddler or both at home and childcare is so expensive.
So I opened my private practice, did all of that.
but I think as my political leanings became more progressive, that
really helped me as a therapist.
there was never anyone I would've like turned away as a client or anything.
But I think at the beginning there were times where I felt kind of like,
I really don't know how to approach this person because I haven't maybe
interacted with a person from this like, walk of life or this anything just
different than what I had experienced.
So I think it's helped me a lot as a therapist to, It feels like now everything
aligns really well, which is nice.
Like I feel confident in who I am as therapist and a mom.
And it's just like, as a person, it feels like it's all in alignment.
but raising all boys is, it's really fun.
And my boys are like very good.
They're very good kids.
Like my mom loves to remind me.
She's like, you know, your kids are like so good and easy.
And I'm like, well, they're good, but you know What kid is easy mom?
they're very sweet kids.
and you know, normal sibling stuff, but they're very sweet.
But I think one of the biggest things is realizing that looking around the
world, like a lot of the things that have happened in our world and our country
are because of powerful men usually that are not using that power for good.
And so I tell my boys a lot, like, I'm like.
Listen, it's not fair and it's not right, but you are going to be
afforded privileges that other people aren't your boys and you're white.
And that unfortunately is gonna put you in a position even if you didn't earn it.
So you have to do something good with that.
They are exposed to all different types of people, different
languages, different cultures.
Like to them it's very much more normal than it was for me at that age.
And I think that helps a ton.
Mm-hmm.
but we really try to like just be open with emotions
and like, it's okay to be sad.
being a boy doesn't mean you can't cry or.
Like one of my kids, I won't say which one, but he gets made fun
of because he really likes pink.
So silly.
But still, still, which I was like very shocked by that.
people are mean to him at school sometimes, I am thankful that like
we've had conversations where he most of the time feels confident
that he's like, who cares?
like what I like, girls can like blue, I can like pink.
But I think sometimes we forget as much, progress as we've made as a
society is that there are still a lot of like stereotypes and, pushback.
and obviously girls deal with, so much, but I'm on the boy end of the spectrum,
so I'm like, okay, I wanna just make sure that we all the masculinity that we're
modeling to you is not the toxic kind.
Yeah.
So we're trying our best.
Yeah.
It's so important with this next generation, and I feel
like that is something that I am noticing with millennial parents
that we are, it's very general.
It's a very general thing,
but we're trying to be more intentional, I think.
and this is not what you're saying, just to, just to be clear, what
I'm about to say is I think that sometimes people feel judged by like.
Millennial parents that were like, oh, we're trying to do these things.
And they're like, well, we tried our best.
And I agree.
But I think if you just trace, and this is obviously painting with a really big
paintbrush here, but if you just trace back the generations of parents, I think
most parents did the best they could, but they were given very limited tools.
Yeah.
To do what they could in their parenting like, my parents,
I am not critical of them.
They did the best they could, but they were raised by parents who weren't even
ever allowed to say how they felt ever.
Mm-hmm.
So when I had big emotions and maybe I got, you know, sent to my room a lot
or whatever, was that the best option?
No, probably not.
But the fact that I could say how I felt that was progress.
Right.
So I think that it's culminating more and more and.
What's, what I think is really interesting too is like millennials are the only,
thus far, the only generation that is not becoming more conservative with age.
And I think that translates to our parenting that we're like, we
will let you have these feelings.
Like it's not just children need to like be seen and not heard or
whatever the thing is, so I think it's all kind of coming together.
the hard part is I think because millennials are so in touch with this,
we're always so worried about like, oh my gosh, we're traumatizing our kids
and we probably are like, we are okay.
We are your kids gonna meet their, we're learning something.
But I think the fact that you just said that we're learning that is different
than again, broad strokes, many previous generations of parents, is that there
wasn't the openness to say I was wrong.
And I think if we can start from that place of like.
We are also learning to be parents.
We're learning you individual, each individual child, what you need.
Then at least in the future, it's not hopefully that our kids will just
hold it against us for our mistakes.
we get that you've always been open and so that matters a lot.
It matters a lot.
that was so well said because I've had similar conversations
before with people about that.
It's just like coming up a parent myself too has given me more sympathy for like
my parents and other generations too.
Because you made a great point.
Like even talking to my dad about his parents' generation and his
grandparents, like it was so different.
Yeah.
It's like, so they kind of took those tools and made it better and they
took those tools and made it better.
because yeah, like my, I remember my dad being like, not to get too personal,
I don't share a lot of personal stuff, you couldn't even like crack a
joke at the dinner table growing up.
Like it was serious.
Like you sit down.
Yeah.
We're not, if you like burp at the table.
Yeah, yeah.
If you burped or anything, you were like punished.
You were off.
Right, right.
And so my dad's like, I never wanna be that way with you guys 'cause like.
Dinner should be follow, we should be hanging out, you know, whatever.
And so, just hearing them talk about that.
I feel like we're always trying to like see what our parents
did and how we could be better.
Not saying they were bad, just saying, how can we take that
and then apply those tools?
exactly.
I think that's what everyone's trying to do.
And that's, you know, that's the goal in general, not just parenting.
Right.
But I think.
Sometimes it can be hard 'cause it feels like, other generations
feel like, oh, like you're, you guys are being so critical.
And I think the criticism doesn't have to, I mean, sometimes it is warranted if, you
know, it's like a really negative thing.
But I think we can look and just say, we know more now we have more resource.
Like our generation of parents has so many resources, which can be
overwhelming, but like my mom couldn't hop on Google and look and say like, what
the heck do I do when my kid does this?
Or like, she didn't have the community besides her next door neighbors to,
figure out like, what happens when my kid comes home and, says this thing.
and while sometimes I envy that, I think we just have more resources now.
And so we're just trying to utilize those and yeah, it's not everyone
before us was bad by any means.
I think it's just like we would hope our kids become even
better parents than we are.
Right?
Yeah.
So,
yeah.
I know.
Yeah.
It's funny you said about like, too, like talking to your kids and you're
like, what am I doing right now to, you know, 'cause like, already overthinker
and then being like a parent, I'll be like, I see myself in her sometimes
and I'll be like, oh my gosh.
and I'll be like, I'm sorry I said it that way.
And I'm like, I should say it like this.
Or like, I dunno if you've ever seen that S one L skit, think, I think it's
Kristen Stewart and she's like trying to compliment a kid other than like,
oh, you look pretty in that dress.
you're so smart.
I try to like correct myself because I'll be like, you're such a pretty princess.
And I'm like, you, you're like,
wait, no, but that's not the only thing good about you.
I know
your brain.
It's so hard.
Your brain.
Yes.
Well, and I feel like for a while, and there's obviously, there's nothing
wrong with that, but I think for a while the pendulum kind of swung so far.
The other way that it felt like if you praised your kids at all, it was negative.
Like they were like, no, 'cause they have to have like the growth mindset.
All of that is true.
But I think if you are.
Which you are.
I can just tell, even from talking to you, if you're raising your kids and
looking at them holistically, like you're, they're an entire person,
it's fine to tell your daughter, oh my gosh, you're such a pretty princess.
Fine.
But I think what happened with in some people's, you know, childhoods, or
especially like years and years ago, decades ago, is that that was like the
only thing that girls were praised for, or, you know, eldest daughter syndrome.
You only were like, you did well.
And so we praised your accomplishments.
And so that's it.
And I think if you're being intentional, it's, it's pretty easy
if you're just treating your kid like a person, that you're gonna
recognize all those parts of them.
But Right.
But I get, you're like, oh wait, that's bad, right?
Did I just harm you for life?
Are you gonna go to therapy for this one day?
Right.
Disney movies or something.
And I'm like, I learned about Disney movies, and I'm like, she had Stockholm
Syndrome because he wants her up.
So we'll watch Between the Beast.
I'm like, yeah, it's a great movie, but remember if a man acts this
way towards you, that's not normal.
It is not for real life.
Well, and the thing that I tell my clients and myself, honestly all the time, is
that I get like with the awareness of knowing how everyone, or like our kids
are impacted by our behavior, we get really worried about what's happening
and we think sometimes it's like, oh no, I yelled at my kid, or I said something
wrong, or this is what I'm guilty of.
Sometimes I send my kids to their room and I'm like, oh, I probably
should have talked to them, but I got dysregulated in that moment.
I like couldn't handle it.
and what I tell people is that when that happens, when there's some sort
of like, rupture of the connection, that's what they call it in, like
the relationship, there's a rupture.
So it could be like yelling at your kid.
It could be, not noticing their bid for attention.
It could be sending 'em through their room when it should have been a conversation.
That part feels bad.
And that's where we kind of get stuck sometimes, right?
We're like, oh my God, what did I just do?
They're gonna carry this with them forever.
but what's actually more important, and they're like a ton of different studies on
this, I won't get into all of it, what's more important is the repair afterwards.
And they've done all these different research studies showing even with
babies that it's like with a baby, it looks like they're trying to get your
attention and you're not paying attention.
And they're like, what's going on?
They'll pick up what on it quickly.
What's more important is the repair.
So it's connection basically.
So when you know you have that moment with your daughter and you're
like, I shouldn't have said that.
The part that you went, go to her and you, correct what you said, or you say,
you know, for me it's usually like.
I probably shouldn't have sent you to your room.
I should have talked to you and I was overwhelmed.
that part is the part that like lasts in their brain and that's
what like the neurons in their brain are like, okay, this is okay
now the relationship is okay now.
And I think where some parents in the past have maybe stopped is there,
is they're like, oh, that feels bad.
I don't wanna revisit it.
So they don't, and then the repair never happens, if that makes sense.
No,
that was like,
powerful.
I know.
When I heard it for the first time, I was like, oh, that's so, I mean, I think it's
so encouraging because we're trying our best, but we're also only human and we're
bringing, just like our parents brought their stuff, we're bringing our stuff.
when my kid freaks out and screams is just being a kid is overwhelmed
and I wanna shut them in their room.
This is, maybe this is too personal, but I'm like, I know that
as a kid and I love my parents.
If my parents watch this, love you guys, you're great.
But, and they will admit that they did not.
Let me have those big emotions.
So it's very hard for me to sit with my kids when they're
having those big emotions.
'cause someone didn't do that for me at that age.
Yeah.
So I think you have to go, okay, I'm getting triggered as a parent
and now I just need to do the repair I remember there was a moment you
just said the same thing with about your husband and your daughter.
There was a moment where my husband, he like was talking to one of my sons
and my son was like, you know, really nervous to like, tell something.
It was like, no big deal.
They're really little, but they were like really nervous and he was
like, there's literally nothing that you could tell me that's not gonna
make me love and care about you.
And, there's no mistake that you can make that's like too big.
And I'm in the corner like choking, sobbing.
And my husband's like, are you okay?
And I'm like.
Listen, I had an amazing dad.
Like my dad is like, great.
But I think when you witness your partner doing that with
your child, it's like, oh my God.
I just know you just planted such a good seed in your kid.
So
You like take those snapshot snapshots.
Yes.
And you're like, ah.
You're like, oh, this is like core memory.
Like in that movie.
It's like that just got captured and that just planted the seed of
like acceptance in your kid and it's like, it's really nice to watch.
Yeah.
And I flash forward to like the future and I'm like, you have such a good dad
that's gonna like, talk you up about your emotions or like what's going
on at school, who are your friend, you know, like that kind of stuff.
That's possible.
Totally.
I love that.
I feel like we just had a therapy session, so thank you for that.
I
can't help it.
I can't help it.
No, I loved it.
I loved it.
I feel like I'm gonna really remember those repair moments..
I would say the thing that most people know me for is.
Speaking about the mental load specifically as it relates to motherhood,
but I speak about it in general as well.
Mm-hmm.
And.
My goal with that conversation is to help women articulate what's happening in their
lives so they can better, process that with their partner, find equity at home,
and hopefully in the workplace as well.
And as part of that mission, I also talk about systemic things
like lack of pay, parental leave, lack of affordable childcare.
the motherhood penalty in the workplace.
So my overarching goal is to help women advocate for gender
equity in all facets of life.
So not, being the default parent by default, right?
All of these things that I think as a society have been very normal for very
long, but are leading women to feel burnt out and exhausted, and I do that through.
Sharing my own experience, but also just thought leadership
on these topics in general.
Yeah, I love that.
It's so powerful and it's funny, I mention it time and time again, but
like before doing all of this, I worked for a mommy brand and ironically it
was before I had my daughter and but with that, it was, I heard firsthand
stories from moms, like struggling to go back to work, having to go back to
work after six weeks or unpaid leave.
And when I started kinda like digging into it, I was like, this is outrageous.
Like it's, we're in a country where they want us to have more
kids, but then there's no support when you do have those kids.
so what do you think are the biggest like.
Things like work.
I mean, workplaces is one thing.
what can workplaces do?
What can we do as a society to kind of like raise awareness to all this stuff?
I think talking about it first and foremost is really important,
bringing these topics up.
You know, the things I've mentioned, childcare, paid parental leave.
We often view these as women's issues, when in reality they're a family issue.
They should be impacting anyone who is a parent, not just women, but women
are the ones that disproportionately take on this work, right?
So if there's no childcare, who stays home.
Typically mom
who adjust their career,
typically mom,
right?
And so that's just a societal expectation.
And then sometimes people will point to the fact that, well,
oh, the husband makes more money.
And that just points the wage gap, right?
It's just like, it's this kinda like chicken and egg thing, right?
We're struggling at home, we're struggling in the workplace, and
they're really tied together.
And so I think on an individual level.
I like to tell people this is not a failure.
Like if you've ended up in a position where you're burnt out and exhausted
and you're struggling with the mental load and your career has taken a hit due
to childcare or whatever it might be.
You're not alone in that.
That's not a personal failure, that's a systemic failure across the board.
But also there's certain things that are within our control that we can do.
And so we can't fix all the systems at one time, but we can do some
things, which is, for example, if your husband has access to paid parental
leave, he should be taking it.
Mm-hmm.
So many men don't.
So many men have access and they don't take it, and they don't take it.
Because they're afraid it's gonna hurt their career, which ultimately
just hurts women's careers more and hurts their partners and
their baby and all of the things.
And so, we need men to be doing that.
We need, policies that support parents in the workplace.
So adequate sick time, adequate paid leave, flexible work schedules.
we need to stop these return to office mandates that
disproportionately impact women, right?
Like there's all these things, but also within our homes.
One of the reasons I suggest paid parental leave not suggest I strongly encourage,
is because when men take it, they're more likely to carry that mental load with
their partner from the beginning and.
The mental load disparity happens very, very early on, typically
even before you have kids.
I think about, when my husband and I were in our twenties and we were going to a
million weddings, I always bought the gift and the card and booked the hotel
and coordinated all the things, and he was there, but I was coordinating it, right?
Like I carried that mental load.
It wasn't super heavy until we had kids, and so being aware of these
dynamics in advance and talking about them with your partner, putting systems
in place to avoid one person carrying too much, that's something we can
do, and there's tools to do that.
I love that.
Yeah.
I feel like it's such an important conversation
that a lot of families either don't have or don't know they should or
can have them because it's just, that's the way it was when I grew up.
Or my dad went to work, my mom was home.
So I just thought that's how it went.
and I think, like I said, with working at the mom brand, I was able to see like, ah.
I don't want that when I go through postpartum, I need my part.
It was like, have your partner support you, get your partner
involved in the process.
Because so many women would like tell me like, oh, my husband wasn't
even in the room when I gave birth.
Or he went right back to work the next day.
Yeah.
And even if they had a choice to stay home, they're like, oh, well I gotta work.
And it's just like, you don't realize if you are setting
your family up for failure.
if you don't take that time as a partner, to the one that gave birth, right?
And so I feel like it's such an interesting conversation because
that push and pull between work and sticking up for your family essentially.
Yeah.
And I think, know, it's the narrative, right?
We've put a real premium in our country on men being providers
and doing the paid work and women doing the unpaid care work at home.
And so even like the overnight feedings I've said on social media,
like, dad should be doing some of those, even if they're partners
breastfeeding, like they can change the diaper, they can soothe the baby.
Mm-hmm.
And men are like, well, I have work tomorrow.
It's like, she's gonna be up tomorrow too.
Okay.
Like, and doing something incredibly important, which
is caring for your newborn.
And we have this narrative of.
This work that men do outside of the home being really important,
if not more important than the work their partner does at home.
And so I really think we should push back on that.
And I, do think most men wanna be good dads.
They wanna be good partners.
But to your point, like as a society and, kind of what's been modeled for us just
doesn't show us what that looks like.
Mm-hmm.
I was talking to someone the other day and they were asking like,
oh, how was your, postpartum?
And I realized, I'm like.
Obviously I had a lot of challenges and stuff, but I think because my husband
at the time, like where he was working at the time, he got like two weeks off.
I was like, this is what it's gonna be like when I'm, postpartum.
Like, I'm gonna need you to help with this.
And like, I remember just being responsible for like breastfeeding.
I was like, other than that, he did everything else or we were
able to split other things.
I would hear of all these moms like having like postpartum depression
and obviously that's so nuanced.
There's so many reasons why women go through that.
Right?
Totally.
But I feel like a lot of it could be helped with a supportive partner or
supportive workplaces because a lot of times these women are stressed about going
back to work in a few weeks and they're not getting paid and they have to get
their child in daycare and, that's a lot.
There's a lot.
you even mentioned daycare.
Women are typically the ones finding childcare, and that's really hard to do.
And so yeah, it's not as simple as just being home,
taking care of a sleeping baby.
it's pretty complex what's going on.
I'm glad to hear that you had the support that you need.
I mean, similar to my husband had.
Not a lot of time with our first three kids.
He had no time.
and then with our fourth, he had four weeks and it was night
and day experience for us.
Right.
It was a vastly different experience for me.
and I think that's so important.
I wish everyone had that.
I know.
It's like, imagine how it would be if men were like forced, like, you
have to be home during these 2, 3, 4 weeks, whatever that looks like.
And just support.
Women.
Yeah.
I mean, some countries do that.
They mandate it, that men have to take it, and there's like specific
rules around how that looks.
And so yeah, I think unfortunately in order to get men to do it,
oftentimes it has to be mandated.
but I do think, more and more men are doing it, but we still need to see
that improve across the board and.
know, there's data to show that, the work that women are doing and the mental,
they're caring it leads to real impact, mental, emotional, physical tolls on
women, and that has a long-term impact on their, lives and their wellbeing.
And so if we care about that, if we care about mothers as much as we say we do,
then we should prioritize their care.
what's your message for anyone listening that.
Maybe is, struggling with the mental load right now and doesn't kind of know the
first steps to take either with their partner or their family or their work.
with the mental load in particular, I often say the first thing you have to do
is just start to understand what it is.
I think oftentimes women feel incredibly burnt out and exhausted and they feel
like they're kind of on this hamster wheel they can never get off of.
They have this ongoing running to-do list that's always there and never shorter.
and.
but They can't articulate that, their partner says What's wrong,
they're just like, I don't even know.
There's a million things I could tell you.
A million things that I'm stressed out about right now.
And so first and foremost, I suggest people familiarize themselves
with the terms and what's actually playing into the mental load.
And so one way to do that is to.
We say, make the invisible visible, write things down every thought that pops
into your brain, which is like, I have to pay, the school for a raffle basket.
my kids need cash 'cause they're going to the beach tomorrow with camp.
I have all these reminders on my phone and I think a really important way to
do this is just write everything down.
For a week, two weeks, just write it all down and look at it and
you'll see, you'll start to see what that mental load looks like.
What are the things that are weighing you down?
What's stressing you out the most?
What's causing the most tension?
where do you think your partner can support you?
Where do you feel like you're strong?
being able to look at it in a really concrete way.
I use a spreadsheet, I offer this to people, whoever wants it, it's
part of my free guide, but I have a spreadsheet and it just lists a
bunch of tasks that most families do.
It's from the book Fair Play.
E Rodsky created this game, which is a really great way to make
that invisible labor visible.
Doing that is so helpful just for you as a person to be able to see it and
say like, wow, okay, this is why I'm tired, like this is why I'm stressed out.
and then from there.
You can think about having a conversation with your partner, but I often tell
women like, sometimes you're not ready for a conversation with your
partner and you just need to be able to say it to your therapist or say
it to your best friend and start to articulate what you're feeling.
And then once you've been able to do that, then you can start to have the
hard conversations of, okay, well what does it look like for us to change this?
Mm-hmm.
I love that.
Saying it out loud.
'cause I feel like a lot of times, like as women, we like keep things in until like,
yeah.
Kind of builds up a little bit and then it's like you can't take it anymore.
So, I love that, getting it outside, saying it to a therapist, a friend,
and kind of piggybacking off of that.
So people, sometimes people accuse me of.
Oh, you built a whole page to complain about your mother-in-law and like
truthfully, I don't even talk about my own mother-in-law and my own stories.
It's mostly follower submissions, but it's also more so like themes.
That's why I've started integrating more lifestyle and vlog style content,
almost just like a metaphor to show like.
Daughters-in-law that don't get along with their mother-in-law,
like they're literally just moms and women living their life.
they're not sitting at home scheming and plotting to they didn't intend
on ruining their mother-in-law's life despite what she's told you
at the store, at the church group.
Like they're literally just existing and the reasons why the
relationship has fallen apart.
is often a function of both parties, but not in the way that you would expect.
that's a key note that people love.
I don't know if they've like, commented that on your videos too necessarily,
but always, if it's ever relationship focused and the story or the skit or
whatever really portrays one person as the protagonist and one person
is the antagonist you always get.
Relationships are a two-way street And my catchphrase response to that
is, yes, but who broke the road?
two people can't travel down a two-way street if it's broken.
And that's where I am trying to bring awareness and visibility.
But also, yeah, it's cathartic for people who have gone through it to
watch my content and be like, yes.
That's exactly how I feel.
But yeah, the road doesn't always come from stories that are portrayed
in, say, your skits or of my skits.
The broken road also comes from.
More minor things that just build up over time too, so.
Oh, absolutely.
Yeah.
And I think that feeling of like wanting to be seen that you're like not crazy.
someone can like, relate to you.
and that's the thing too, is when I get those, I shouldn't
even say like hate comments.
They're not really hate comments, but like there's some people that will comment
and be like, this is just terrible that you would portray a person this way when
you don't understand the full story.
And I'm like.
someone sent me this story, so I'm only able to portray what this person sent me
in their own words, and I'm gonna do my best to like get it out there if I can.
And I think too, it's like people need to see these conversations and I think,
like we said earlier, it helps people on both sides kind of see like, okay,
here's where a boundary needs to be set, or here's where I need to like.
Limit contact or here's where, okay, there was miscommunication, let's work this out.
Or whatever that looks like.
I think it's good to have these examples and of course,
yeah, it's part entertainment.
I mean, so many people follow for entertainment.
Like I know the reason I started doing like content like this is because
I loved seeing content like this.
I love the conversations seeing how things play out, and I think it helps us
kind of see ourselves in conversations and be like, oh, how would I react?
Or, oh, that's really crazy.
I've never seen something like that before.
That's how we roll.
Okay.
Let's get into, 'cause I feel like we could talk about this stuff forever
and we could, we could, we could.
When we talk about weddings, does anything come to mind for like a kind of crazy
story or something that you either seen at weddings or had at your own wedding?
We invited my husband's cousin per the request of certain people who
generally doesn't come to stuff.
He doesn't come to family gatherings very often.
I think I've seen him like in the 10 years my husband and I have
been together maybe two times.
We invited him.
He, RSVPs Yes.
Doesn't show up to the wedding.
again, it's my wedding day.
I had no idea that he didn't show up, but in the meantime, my mother-in-law had
invited her best friend from childhood or something, which again, like.
my parents invited friends too,
like, okay.
and didn't RSVP with a guest, RSVPed for herself.
Brought a guest, brought her sister, I think it was, So
the guest brought a sister.
The guest brought an UNRSVPed Guest.
and the cousin, RSVPed yes No.
show So you do the math, there are seats for everybody.
But they weren't planned seats.
So I guess
what happened is my mother-in-law's friend's, sister didn't have a seat at the
friend's table or whatever, but there was an extra seat, like I guess some adults
put their heads together and found a chair
for the friend's sister.
So that's great and that's good.
But apparently my mother-in-law was deeply offended and obviously it
was a, personal, I had done that intentionally, was personal, and then
spent my entire wedding reception.
Complaining about me, complaining about where their seat was in their wedding
and how she didn't have a seat, and how rude that was, and how none of my
parents' friends didn't have seats.
And um, because they probably all are CPD the right way I guess.
I don't know.
so you could say, oh, maybe you missed it, maybe whatever.
Like understand, I've a project manager, been a project manager for 10 years
at this point, like a spreadsheet.
And me, we are friends.
So maybe I missed it, but.
I'm saying it would be unlikely to me way.
it didn't ruin my day.
I had no idea.
But after the fact, it still sucks to hear that was like
the thing that, the
conversation that was going on.
Yeah.
I do think, though, I do think this story is a perfect example of that kind of
deeper level relationship building that I talk about because yes, my mom, mom and
daughter, people are gonna have a hard time equating mother-in-law and future
daughter-in-law with mom and daughter.
But trust me, for my followers, there's tons of people who are very close with
their mother-in-law and were close with their mother-in-law throughout
the planning process of their wedding.
Or their husband is very close with his mom and they liaise and talk
and discuss on a regular basis.
Neither of those two things are true in my case.
And so where I'm going with this is if either my husband or I had a like
friendly chitchatting about regular stuff on a regular basis, mutual exchange of
information, not like the mom who calls her son to talk Adam for two hours every.
Once a month and thinks that that, oh, I'm so close with my son.
No, like have a real relationship.
It probably would've got caught.
It would've because there would've been a casual conversation, oh, my
friend so-and-so is bringing so and so, and I would've been like, what?
She didn't RSVP with someone.
Oh, let's take a look at it.
Oh, let's, we would've caught it.
Right.
Whereas like my mom, I knew who all of her friends were bringing or
like whatever was going on there.
I think one of her friends husbands couldn't come because
something had come up, so then I just went in and changed whatever.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
Like.
And those kinds of things get caught when you're having
regular conversation with people.
A hundred percent.
So many times when I share skits, people comment like, oh,
I would've said no right away.
it's like, it's so much easier.
And I even, you know, myself, like, you can look from the outside and I'm
so great at telling other people how to set boundaries and say no and like.
But in your own life, it's so much more difficult, so much more nuanced because
it's you have a different relationship with each person and you have other people
involved and know, a history, and you're always like, am I gonna be the bad person?
You know, and there's all these different things as opposed to just like saying no.
And I think we should ideally all get there.
Like if someone's treating us poorly, but we can't always see it.
Sometimes it's a disguise, sometimes it's like talked to nicely first and Totally.
I actually feel like it's the people who are saying, oh, just say no.
I often think that maybe they're coming from a place.
Of like, they've had really fortunate relationships with family in their life
because I could see, had I not lived what I've lived now with my in-laws, I would
feel that way because if there's something I don't wanna do that my mom asked me, I
just say, no, mom, I don't wanna do that.
And she doesn't think that my husband forced me to say no.
She doesn't think that it's unfair that, oh well you said yes to
so and so the other day, so why are you saying no to me today?
No.
I literally say, no, I don't wanna do that.
And then if.
whatever the situation is, it doesn't happen very often.
Again, this is like what I try to dive into with my content, which
is just the, like what goes into relationships, which is my mom knows
me, we've built a relationship, so she generally doesn't ask me things.
That she knows I'm gonna say no to.
Like she knows me and my husband is people, so it doesn't get to a
point where we really need to say no.
She reads the room or it's not even, she reads the room.
She's built relationships with us.
And that is fundamentally, I think often the root cause in a lot of these
situations is they haven't taken the time, energy, effort again, two-way street.
I don't know who's gotta build the road.
We can split hairs on that, but, to cultivate and build
a relationship with their daughter-in-law or their adult child.
Quite honestly, sometimes comparatively to how the daughter-in-law's, parents
have built a relationship with her, so they're asking for things that like.
Why are you asking for something that you know is gonna put them in a
position that they're not comfortable with and different people are
comfortable with different things.
That's another huge source of comments.
Like, good for you, that's what you're comfortable with.
Not everyone's comfortable with that.
And that doesn't mean they're entitled or wrong, or.
Yeah, sometimes it does, but not always, you know?
Yes.
people are people.
We gotta meet people where they're at, but people don't wanna meet
you where you're at if you've been habitually a jerk to them.
Exactly.
No, that's such a good point about like, if you haven't had to really
deal with those difficult things harder saying no just comes off as easy.
Yeah, because like I've never had, like, they're not thinking that way.
But yeah.
If they haven't had a deal with that, it's like, well, it's black and white.
They do that then totally.
No.
But yeah, if you tend with the teeter-totter of relationships
and you're like, uh, I don't know.
Is this one of those where I say no, or how do I back down from this?
Yeah, totally.
Yeah.
Completely.
Yeah.
what inspired you to initially become an educator?
You said Did you start with social work and you were kind of in that field and
then you kind of moved into teaching?
Yeah, so, I kind of was always in the school social work realm.
And then just recently, a few years ago, I kind of navigated more into the classroom
and now I work at a Catholic school.
So I'm a Catholic, English, a second language director.
And what I do is I ensure kiddos that do not have English as a first
language, have equitable education.
now more than ever.
That's extremely important.
I feel so passionate about this because I also grew up in an extremely, like
poor environment, poor households.
So I know what it took to like claw my way to get here.
And I know that if it's possible for me, it's possible for other
kids if I can just be that adult that I needed when I was younger.
So that's definitely what fuels me every day that I get up and I go to school.
I love that I've, heard that quote before about like, need to almost think about
who you needed as a child because that should be kind of like who we are as
adults, because that's gonna kind of put us back in that mind frame of like,
okay, I really need an adult to hear me.
I really needed an adult to support me or understand me.
to make you feel seen and valid.
Yeah, absolutely.
I feel like that's such a pivotal thing to remember because we get
kind of lost in the day to day.
And then especially as educators, you want someone to really care.
Like, my daughter's too young for school yet, but when she's in school, I'm like,
you want a teacher like that that's gonna really think like, okay, they're gonna
hear everything I say or they're gonna see me as a person, like even if I'm
quiet or, you know, those kind of things.
Absolutely.
And see the parent too, because the parent is an important part of all that.
Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
So do you think, so I know you've kind of posted before about your content changing,
especially after the election, but I think even before the election you were
kind of, talking a little bit more about what could happen, these kind of things.
So with working at a Catholic school, is it hard to kind of.
Do you have to stay in line with certain things or say certain things?
I don't wanna like get you in trouble either, so I wanna make sure
you're saying things that are okay.
Mm-hmm.
are there guidelines like can you say certain things online or where does
that fall in line with your teaching?
Well, I think in general that is kind of just a teacher box
that everyone has to stay in.
when it comes to my Catholic faith and where I align, at first was really
nervous to kind of like go out in those waters and let people know like,
Hey, I'm not a public school teacher.
I'm a Catholic school teacher.
But once I showed people that.
I am here for all kids regardless of religion, race, background, culture.
People started to see my authentic, views that I wanted to present and
the information that I was giving people and it was well received.
There are definite lanes that you have to stay in, as a teacher.
And then I think my lane is just a tad bit smaller being a Catholic
school teacher, but the things that I am bringing are fact-based.
Educational laws to people.
So I'm really proud of that.
And I think as long as I stay in my lane, I'm good.
And I've had a lot of wonderful support from my school community.
they have backed me up 110%.
they believe that every child has the right to a free and equitable education
as I do regardless of race and religion.
So it's been really good.
but at the end of the day, I'm an adult and I have to be able to control
what I say to stay in that lane.
Yeah, no, absolutely.
No, I love it.
I love that they're, behind you.
'cause I mean, just in general with like content creators, like just different
jobs, I've heard different stories where they're like, you can't say this, you
can't post this, you can't do this.
so it's really good to hear that there's like supportive, schools
and communities out there.
chair, like a pivotal moment in your life that kind of shaped
how you approach teaching.
I think one thing that changed my view on how I view all kids in the classroom
is my son was diagnosed with Tourette's Syndrome when he was in kindergarten and.
As a parent, just hearing that diagnosis, not knowing what that looks like, in
our lives, let alone in the classroom, surrounded by, kids he does not know.
it really made me like peel back my eyelids and open my eyeballs to every
single kid has something different that's going on inside of them.
Every single kid that is in front of me is going to feel one way
or another on a certain day.
And my son deserved to have a teacher that was like, okay, you are different
and you're unique and that's wonderful.
And how are we going to ensure that you get the exact same care and
attention as every single other kiddo.
In here.
And I think as we're looking at things today that are happening politically.
We have to remember that we are all just one diagnosis away
from having a unique child.
we're one car accident away from having a child that might need to
be in a wheelchair that is going to need different accommodations
and is going to need a teacher that is, loving and caring and will do
absolutely everything for your kid.
Like they would for Susie Hugh, who is always there 20 minutes early,
raising our hand star reader.
Mm-hmm.
Like every single child is different.
And I want my kid to have a teacher that loves on him.
Like I love on every single baby that I see every single day of the school year.
Mm-hmm.
So, like his diagnosis, it was rough for us.
It was scary.
We didn't know what that would look like.
So that was hard.
All right, guys.
Welcome back.
Hope you guys enjoyed a little, walk down memory lane, or if it was your
first time listening to them, we will link all of the other full episodes, so
you guys can go back and listen to the full episode with each of, those guests.
Let's react to this week's story submission.
Okay, I genuinely don't even know where to begin with this because it's a very
bumpy ride with his family from the start, but the main event of everything
started on Christmas Eve of 2024.
My now husband and I had been together for three years, and that Christmas we
decided instead of buying presents, we would make each other advent calendars
and save the best gift for the last day.
We had just gotten back into my car after taking pictures in literal freezing
weather because it was the last night for Christmas lights at our town lake.
Once we got in the car, we took a second to breathe, set up his phone to record,
not just to post online, just so we could have the memory if we wanted it,
And gave this sweet speech about how he knew we couldn't get married right away.
at the time, my VA benefits would have been revoked if we got married, and
we also hadn't lived together yet.
But he said he didn't wanna wait any longer to start the
rest of our lives together.
Then he proposed.
Of course, I said yes.
We immediately drove back to my parents' house to tell my family.
My mom, dad, little brother, grandma, and grandpa, everyone
was genuinely excited for us.
There were hugs, tears, compliments about the ring, the whole thing.
We even called my sisters and godparents afterward to share the news.
My family was overjoyed.
Then we went to his parents' house to tell his family.
Famous last words.
His mom, dad, stepdad, sister, her ex-husband/boyfriend, which
becomes relevant later, and their two kids were all there.
We walked in, and everyone just stared at us like we interrupted something.
My husband said we had an announcement, and his mom immediately gasped
and screamed, " You're pregnant?"
We very quickly said no, and honestly, I was offended she even thought that.
What a weird thing to jump to.
I held up my hand to show the ring and said we were getting married.
Silence.
No congratulations, nothing, just everyone sitting there staring at us.
This is starting a lot like the Brielle skit.
I promise you it's not, cause I've never read this one before,
but it does sound a lot like it.
embarrassingly enough, this happens to people all the time, embarrassing for
the family, not the bride and and groom.
This happens all the time.
I've had a lot of people when I've shared the Brielle skit saying this exact thing
happened to me, so it's really sad.. Finally, his stepdad, who is honestly
not a nice person most of the time, stood up, hugged us both, said congratulations,
and left for his own mother's house.
After he left, my father-in-law congratulated us, offered my husband
a beer, and took him into the kitchen Meanwhile, I just stood there awkwardly
until his mom finally said, " Well, are you gonna show us the ring?"
Like, yes, we wanna show the ring, and yes, it's exciting, but when
they don't say anything, they're just like, "Show us the ring," it's kind
of like they wanna see, like, how big it is or, like, make comments on it.
So I sat down and showed her and his sister the ring.
His sister kind of grimaced and said, "It's pretty?"
like it was a question.
Then suddenly his mom started rapid-firing wedding questions.
She was talking about how excited she was to help plan, how her daughter and
granddaughter could help, and how excited she was for the kids to be involved.
At that point, my husband and his dad came back into the room, and my husband
said, "Well, we haven't figured out all the details yet, but we should probably
head out soon." And honestly, it felt like they were basically ushering us out so
they could talk about us after we left.
For the next couple of weeks, nobody from his family
mentioned the engagement at all.
Then one night, we got invited over for dinner, or technically I got invited over
for dinner because my husband was still living with his parents at the time.
Apparently, his sister and her ex-husband slash boyfriend had an announcement.
They were getting remarried.
Oh, no.
Oh, gosh.
Okay.
According to them, they never really broke up, and this time
they wanted a huge wedding.
You guys, I can't.
I'm reading this, I'm like, "This is gonna be a skit. This has to be
a skit," instead of the courthouse wedding they originally had.
Then they immediately started trying to rope me into being maid of honor
and helping plan their wedding.
Stop.
No.
I just smiled politely and nodded through the entire uncomfortable conversation.
After about 10 minutes of suffering through it, I told them my husband
was needed at my house and we had to leave, but congratulations.
Like, how do you even react to that?
Like, of course she's gonna say congratulations and be kind, but they
purposely... You could tell, like, after they left, they were like, "Oh
my God, they're gonna have this big wedding before we even had ours. we need
to plan one right now." That is wild.
Oh my God.
Okay.
A few days later, I found out they had supposedly decided to get
remarried because they didn't want us having the spotlight anymore.
There you go.
And that honestly told me everything I needed to know.
His mom had barely reacted to her son getting engaged, but
suddenly she was over-the-top excited for her daughter's wedding.
Fast-forward a few months, we moved out together, something we'd
already planned on doing for years.
My family was the only one who offered to help us move.
Once we got settled in, the apartment was a disaster of boxes and unpacking.
We intentionally didn't tell his parents our apartment number because we didn't
want surprise visits, which of course they immediately tried to do anyway.
I'm talking repeated calls between 11:00 PM and 3:00 AM asking if they could stop
by because they were in the neighborhood.
Who's just driving around between 11:00 PM and 3:00 AM?
What?
The calls were always to my husband, never me, because they knew I'd say no.
Well, I think most anyone in their right mind would say no at 11:00 PM.
probably the fifth time, my husband told them that if they wanted to come over,
they needed to ask me too, because I was the one setting up the household.
See, that's where I don't like it, because he needs to be
the one that says yes or no.
He can talk to you, but it's his family, and if he does like, "Well, I think
it's okay, but like you need to talk to her," that makes it kinda weird,
'cause that's like almost saying like she's the one with this weird boundary.
Setting up the household sounds like a weird excuse.
I think he needs to be the one to say it.
also, like turn your phone on silent after 11:00 PM.
No one should be answering their phone then . I'm a typical millennial
though, my phone's always on silent.
So that's me.
They never contacted me.
Instead, about three weeks after we moved in, I got Facebook
messages from his mother calling me manipulative and narcissistic.
She accused me of stealing her baby boy.
Famous words.
This kind of mom, this kind of person will always say, "You're
stealing my baby boy." Come on.
And claimed I was the reason he never wanted to come over anymore,
which is completely untrue.
At that point, after the cold reaction to our engagement, the complete 180
with his sister's wedding, wedding, and the general treatment from his
family, I decided to go low contact.
Again, I don't know what's gonna happen next, but I hope it's not just you going
low contact, because that will also pull a strain in your relationship.
If they're like... If he's all in with his family still, seeing them
all the time, and then you just bow yourself out I feel like that's
gonna cause strain with not only you two, but then you with his family.
I think it needs to be equal.
" Still, I encouraged my husband to maintain whatever relationship he wanted with them,
but I stepped back completely." There you go. " His mother is manipulative, rude,
and blames everyone else for her problems. I haven't spoken to her in months now,
and at this point we're fully no contact."
Wait, so now she's no contact with the mother-in-law, or soon-to-be
mother-in-law, but he still sees them?
That's... I don't wanna say weird, because every relationship is different, every
situation is different, but that's hard.
I think he needs to be on the same page as you, because it's gonna
be this constant push and pull.
good for you for keeping your boundary, and if she's, you know, constantly
coming in and not being kind to you, being rude, you need to have low or no
contact, but he needs to be the same.
He needs to stick by you.
" We also decided to elope because we genuinely didn't trust her
not to create drama at a wedding.
And honestly, since January of 2025 when we stopped discussing
our wedding with them completely, there has never been another mention
of his sister's wedding anywhere.
No updates, no planning, nothing.
Which tells me they were never serious in the first place.
They just wanted to take attention away from us and make us feel bad."
Yes, 100%.
The fact that they did that is just so conniving, and
that's manipulative themselves.
Because they were like, "We can't let them have this moment." I just
noticed my dying flowers behind me.
Anyway, they were like, we can't let them have this moment.
need to pull it away from her to show her that we just don't care."
And that was intentional.
People always say you're not just marrying him, you're marrying his family.
But honestly, I disagree.
Family is what we make of it, and I get to choose who is part of mine.
Thankfully, my husband and I are genuinely happy now.
We're living together, legally married, and planning our elopement
and honeymoon surrounded by people who actually love and support us."
Okay, I love how that ends.
I feel like this should definitely be a skit coming up.
My only concern, which she doesn't say anything about, so I don't
know, I could be making assumptions.
My only concern is that he's still full contact with his family, and
that could make a little pull.
But she says, "We're genuinely happy now." they're living together,
they're married, they did everything they wanted for their wedding.
So I'm hoping that everything is working out for them, and that his
family's not trying to meddle and still trying to show up or, you know-
Trying to crash or do anything crazy.
So keep us posted.
I wish you guys nothing but the best, and thanks for sending the story in.
All right, guys, that's all I have for this week.
No confessions this week, but we do weekly confessions on Instagram,
so if you ever wanna send in your confession or if you wanna send in your
story, I'm always taking new stories.
Again, it does not have to be wedding related.
It could be relationship, roommates, college.
It could be random mom group friend story, whatever you want.
I'm taking all of them.
I know a lot of times they revolve around weddings or events just
because that's a lot of times when the most drama comes out.
I don't know.
It's something about weddings, funerals, like, those bring drama, so yeah.
And so the link is in the show notes if you guys wanna submit your own story,
but thanks so much for hanging out with me, and I will see you next time.
Bye now.