All right, this one we're gonna talk about kids.
So trigger warning, I'm probably gonna upset you because I'm just
gonna say it right from the beginning.
You should never be asking your kids to choose your parenting plan options.
And I know right now there's somebody sitting there listening to
this saying, "Well, I think that's stupid because it's for my kids
and I want my kids to have input."
But this is honestly one of the biggest mistakes I keep seeing
parents make early on in the process.
And it feels innocent at first.
I know when you're doing it, you're like, "Well, I want ... It's about the kids,
so I want the kids to feel included." And you almost feel like it's a loving
little thing for you to do, right?
You want to include them.
But it puts the child in a position they were never, never supposed
to be in, picking their life.
You chose to have them, you get to pick.
This whole idea of asking them, "We're not doing that.
" So why do parents do this sometimes?
And again, you would be surprised amongst your divorce friends,
if not you, who is doing this?
And I guarantee if you're not doing it, your ex may as well be doing it.
And I think you probably think, no, they wouldn't do that.
Yes, they would.
Especially if they're starting to show signs of high conflict.
So why do parents do this?
They think they wanna be fair.
They want the child to feel heard.
They think they're trying to reduce conflict.
And I'm just gonna throw one in here real quick also.
They probably think that their kid's gonna pick them.
And I think some of y'all are gonna be surprised that most kids
who have dealt with high conflict personalities will typically pick
the high conflict personality.
And we'll get into it here in a second.
But honestly, the child may wanna validate that person and choose them.
So you might screw yourself when you ask your kids this question.
But it really shouldn't be about what the child wants.
It needs to be about the child's wellbeing.
All right?
So let's get into it.
Why is this such huge problem?
Asking your kids, "Well, what visitation schedule do you want? What, what do
you wanna do for your birthday with your other parent and putting them
in this decision making mode?" Okay?
First and foremost, it does put the child in the middle.
Okay?
you can say you're just asking for their input, but what you're doing
is putting the kid in the middle.
Both parents asking, "Well, where do you wanna go? Where do you wanna
spend the night? Who do you wanna stay with more?" That is pressure
that your child has to choose.
And your child, because they're such an innocent, young, loving human
being, will know their body will tell them that they're hurting one
of you by picking the other one.
They know that.
They know they're hurting one parent if they say, "Yeah, I wanna live with
dad more. I like it at mom's." They know that her ... And why would you
want to make your child feel anxiety or guilt or emotional distress about that?
So stop asking them.
It puts them in the middle and that is not their job.
You know what their job is?
To be a fucking kid.
To worry about what Lego set they're asking for for their birthday.
To worry about if their neighbor friend is outside yet or not.
To worry about if they can sneak in and grab another handful of
Cheez-Its and you don't notice.
That's what they should be worried about.
Okay?
Number two, kids will choose based on comfort, not on best interest sometimes.
So the parent with the iPad might get chosen, buys them more,
might get chosen, plays with them more, also might be chosen.
The parent that hits their love language, they might choose that parent.
So the result then would be decisions aren't based on structure and stability or
fairness for both parents if both parents are equal good party people, like they,
they have nothing wrong with them, right?
It'll be based on a short-term reward system based on the child's
brain of like, "Ooh, shiny object.
Ooh, squirrel.
Oh, this parent promised me.
Oh, I think I like the dog over here better than the cat over here."
That's not how we let kids pick.
Number three, this is the biggest one I think.
It opens the door for manipulation.
High conflict people, this is their fucking middle name, guys.
Get with it.
This is who they are.
If they see there is an opportunity to manipulate the child into
doing what they see best on it, they will be on that so fast.
They will start influencing the child.
They will start shaping the child's brain into, "Hey, you know, if you stay
over here, you're gonna get a brand new pickup truck when you turn 16.
Hey, if you just tell your other parent that you wanna live with me more, I'll
get you a brand new iPhone when you turn Parents do this, and I think some
of you just really need to wake up.
You may be thinking, "No, my ex would not do that.
" They would not stoop to that disgusting level.
Bullshit, Stace.
All day long, Steve is doing that all day long, okay?
And roll reverse it if you need to because both parents who are weak-minded and
high conflict will manipulate a child for their own personal gain, having no idea
the damage they're doing to their kid.
And again, doing all of this manipulation and saying, "Well, you know, if
you do this, I'll give you this.
just kind of puts your child as the messenger to go back and forth and say,
" Well, I wanna go stay over here more, or I want this over here because this
parent said I'll get this if I do this.
" the child is having to go back and forth and relay messages back and forth.
So then again, the child becomes this tool inside of a co-parenting
situation, which is just not right.
And then that kid becomes a people pleaser, and then that
kid goes on and marries what?
A fucking narcissist later.
We gotta stop this pattern, you guys.
And again, I know I'm jumping the ropes a little bit here, but
that's what ends up happening.
We gotta make sure these kids know they have a voice about themselves,
but not about their situation.
We need to handle that as adults as much as humanly possible.
And I know my audience is high conflict.
I know a lot of you are like, "Sam, I don't know. Am I gonna get my ex to pick
something that's good for the child and not just good for themselves?" Well,
that's where the parenting plan comes into play, but let's keep going here.
Number four, if we ask our children what they want in the parenting
plan, it creates confusion and the reality doesn't match it.
So if you ask your child what they want, but then you're like, "Okay,
you wanna live with me five days out of the week and you only wanna
live with your other parent too.
Okay.
I'll let everybody know.
" And then the judge is like, "Nope, fifty fifty." What's
that gonna do to your child?
Is your child gonna feel unheard, misled, damaged of trust?
Because you asked them, you, the child said, "Well, I wanna live with
you most of the time and just see the other parent every once in awhile."
But then they got handed to fifty fifty.
why did you do that?
Why did you set that kid up to get so disappointed?
Again, sometimes we have good intentions.
We didn't know that that wasn't gonna be listened to.
We went to court, we said, "Hey, the child said me five days and that
person only too." We said that, but then the judge is like, "Nah, I don't
see either one of you being better than the other, so fifty fifty it is.
then you gotta go back and save face with your kid that you said,
"Oh, well, I'll get you five and two, and that's not what happened."
And now that kid is fifty fifty.
Don't set your kid up thinking that, well, if they have this opinion
that that's gonna be heard, if any of you are new here, family court
system does not work like that.
So don't be talking to your kids being like, " Oh, I'll make that happen."
Don't make broken promises because it'll be egg on your face real fast.
Number five, it forces your kids into adult decisions.
I mean, that's what I said at the beginning.
Your kid should be focused on, sneaking in and get another pack of fruit snacks
or maybe sneaking out and riding their bike around the block after bedtime.
Not this whole like, " Okay, kiddo, how do you wanna celebrate your birthday?
All right, where do you wanna wake up on Christmas morning?
Okay, if you had a choice on the day that you don't have school, do you
wanna be with me or with the other parent?" These are not decisions
your children should be making.
It's an emotional burden that no child should have to go through, because
you know what a child's gonna say?
My parents were so weak ass minded, they couldn't make a choice to save their life.
They put every decision on me.
Even though you're saying, "No, no, no. I'm asking them because
I wanna know their input."
They're a fucking child.
You know the only input they have is what they've already been doing.
And I had a case like this, a couple months ago where one of my one-on-one
people who, she was saying that her child wanted to have a birthday party
together and the child was adamant.
I think the child was like 10, 11, adamant.
they were just starting their divorce and the parents went and said, "Well,
what do you wanna do for your birthday?" "Well, I wanna party together.
I want both mom and both, both dad there.
" Now, mom and dad are in high conflict, horrible case, fighting, arguing, are
in co-parenting counseling together.
It's not pretty.
It's not good.
It's not cordial.
We're not even on speaking terms.
We're only using an app.
Now, this is not good to have a birthday party, right?
which is gonna be an episode.
But what it got into was this child only has known birthday
parties together for 10 years.
She's only seen both set of grandparents and aunts and uncles and
all of the things that she wanted.
And then there's only been one party, so she doesn't even know
what two parties would look like.
And here's the deal, and we'll get into this in a later episode about birthdays,
but you don't have to have a birthday party if the other parent's having one.
You could have something small and quaint, but when a kid doesn't
know what it looks like, they're gonna say what they're used to.
What's familiar is where they will go, all right?
And not all kids.
Some kids will be like, " Hell no, I don't want any party with either one of
you because you're crazy, you're crazy.
Let's do two separate.
I want one at Denny's and one at Chuck E Cheese and don't
even come near each other.
It can't even be on the same day.
" But these are not child's decisions, all right?
You can say," Hey, kiddo, what do you wanna do for your birthday
when you're with me this weekend?
Hey, what do you wanna do?
Your birthday falls on Thursday and you'll be with me.
What would you like to do on that Thursday?
"But you have no way of letting that child, you guys, it's a bad, bad
choice to say," Hey, what do you want?
"And the child says," Well, I want things together.
Now you gotta be Debbie Downer and ruin that moment and say, Oh, no, no, no.
We're not doing that.
"So that creates confusion.
Healthy boundaries get lost in there.
Let's not do that.
The last one, parents start seeking validation through their
kid, and this is the weakest one.
This is the one where I'm telling you if this is why you're
asking, you need some help.
And I'm not saying that to be mean, I'm saying that to be truthful.
You need to hear it.
If you're somebody that constantly says," Did you miss me?
Did you think about me?
Do you wanna be with me?
Do you wanna stay here longer?
"If you are saying things like that, because those are not neutral questions.
Those are, " I feel bad about myself and I want my child to make me feel better.
"That's what that screams is you need to fucking get your shit together
because your child should not feel your inadequacies and your weaknesses and
your vulnerabilities the stuff that you need to work fucking through because
you all need to work through something.
We all do.
You don't go into a divorce being like, " Oh, I'm healed now that I got a divorce.
"No, you have to do some work and a lot of it goes back to childhood, some of
it goes back to decisions that you made that you haven't forgiven yourself for.
There's all the things.
But what your child's job is not is filling your tank back up with
your validating seeking questions.
So if you wanna feel good about yourself, go do something.
Don't ask your kid to fill your fucking tank.
And high conflict people do this like the day is long.
They will ask their child," Who do you wanna live with more?
Who do you love more?
I know you wanna spend Christmas with me, right?
you want me to be the one that takes you to school.
You want me.
" They word the question to where the child has no out, has no way to say
that they don't wanna do that because of the way the question is worded.
It's not neutral.
So the result is the parent feels better temporarily while the child
is left going, " I am responsible for the way this parent feels.
" And while some kids grab onto that and go, " You know what?
It's my job to make sure mom feels whole.
It's my job to make sure dad knows I love him.
" That's not your child's job.
That's your fucking job.
That's your job, not your child's.
So some children will jump into that.
But then you know what they become?
People pleasers.
And they're so worried about making sure you're okay that forget who they are.
And then they just chameleon themselves through life and adapt and attract to
whoever's in their life right now and they don't even know who their true self
is because they've spent their whole life making sure other people are happy.
How do I know this?
I was one of those former people.
I've raised children like that.
So you have to make sure you get ahead of this and fill your own bucket
so your kid doesn't have that job.
So don't ask those validating questions.
You love me more, right?
Please.
Okay?
Put that away.
So children are not meant to make these parenting decisions.
They're not meant to manage your fucking emotions.
They just need structure, not choices in this area.
So what to do instead?
Okay?
If I don't wanna ask my kid what they wanna do, what do I do?
You create a clear parenting plan.
You're smart, you're savvy, you know your kids, you know your future, you
know what you want it to look like.
Make the choices, make decisions, get an education, take my masterclass
and know the ins and the outs, the times, the things that are best.
how do I make sure my kid has the best at a Christmas?
Watch that masterclass, you're gonna learn so much right there.
But let the child just be a child, even when that other parent is
not letting them be that child.
Okay?
There will be a time when your kids are older and they will be more mature and
you'll be able to ask those questions.
But it's not usually at the very beginning of a divorce and it's definitely
not when your children are young.
We gotta let these kids grow and get a frontal cortex and start thinking on
their own and start listening to their own type of music and start wearing
those different kind of clothes and start asking for different haircuts
and, "Hey, can I change my room around?"
When you start noticing they have decision making about how they feel,
look, smell, act, their friends circle specific, they're really getting
into their own things, that may be a time where we start asking some
more input on some things, not all.
But I have parents out there right now asking a six-year-old what they wanna
do on Christmas morning and letting that child feel as though they have an input.
And I know somebody right now is listening going, " Well, you don't understand.
My six-year-old is like a 16-year-old.
My six-year-old's like a 26-year-old.
She's an old soul.
She's a kid.
She's a kid and you're an adult.
Be the adult in her life and take care of it yourself.
It's not your kid's job to pick between two parents.
It's your job to protect them from having to.