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All right, this one we're
gonna talk about kids.

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So trigger warning, I'm probably
gonna upset you because I'm just

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gonna say it right from the beginning.

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You should never be asking your kids
to choose your parenting plan options.

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And I know right now there's
somebody sitting there listening to

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this saying, "Well, I think that's
stupid because it's for my kids

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and I want my kids to have input."

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But this is honestly one of the
biggest mistakes I keep seeing

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parents make early on in the process.

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And it feels innocent at first.

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I know when you're doing it, you're like,
"Well, I want ... It's about the kids,

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so I want the kids to feel included."
And you almost feel like it's a loving

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little thing for you to do, right?

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You want to include them.

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But it puts the child in a position
they were never, never supposed

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to be in, picking their life.

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You chose to have them, you get to pick.

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This whole idea of asking
them, "We're not doing that.

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" So why do parents do this sometimes?

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And again, you would be surprised
amongst your divorce friends,

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if not you, who is doing this?

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And I guarantee if you're not doing
it, your ex may as well be doing it.

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And I think you probably think,
no, they wouldn't do that.

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Yes, they would.

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Especially if they're starting
to show signs of high conflict.

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So why do parents do this?

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They think they wanna be fair.

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They want the child to feel heard.

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They think they're trying
to reduce conflict.

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And I'm just gonna throw
one in here real quick also.

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They probably think that
their kid's gonna pick them.

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And I think some of y'all are
gonna be surprised that most kids

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who have dealt with high conflict
personalities will typically pick

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the high conflict personality.

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And we'll get into it here in a second.

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But honestly, the child may wanna
validate that person and choose them.

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So you might screw yourself when
you ask your kids this question.

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But it really shouldn't be
about what the child wants.

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It needs to be about
the child's wellbeing.

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All right?

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So let's get into it.

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Why is this such huge problem?

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Asking your kids, "Well, what visitation
schedule do you want? What, what do

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you wanna do for your birthday with
your other parent and putting them

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in this decision making mode?" Okay?

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First and foremost, it does
put the child in the middle.

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Okay?

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you can say you're just asking for
their input, but what you're doing

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is putting the kid in the middle.

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Both parents asking, "Well, where
do you wanna go? Where do you wanna

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spend the night? Who do you wanna
stay with more?" That is pressure

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that your child has to choose.

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And your child, because they're such
an innocent, young, loving human

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being, will know their body will
tell them that they're hurting one

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of you by picking the other one.

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They know that.

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They know they're hurting one parent
if they say, "Yeah, I wanna live with

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dad more. I like it at mom's." They
know that her ... And why would you

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want to make your child feel anxiety or
guilt or emotional distress about that?

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So stop asking them.

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It puts them in the middle
and that is not their job.

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You know what their job is?

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To be a fucking kid.

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To worry about what Lego set they're
asking for for their birthday.

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To worry about if their neighbor
friend is outside yet or not.

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To worry about if they can sneak
in and grab another handful of

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Cheez-Its and you don't notice.

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That's what they should be worried about.

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Okay?

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Number two, kids will choose based on
comfort, not on best interest sometimes.

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So the parent with the iPad
might get chosen, buys them more,

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might get chosen, plays with
them more, also might be chosen.

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The parent that hits their love
language, they might choose that parent.

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So the result then would be decisions
aren't based on structure and stability or

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fairness for both parents if both parents
are equal good party people, like they,

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they have nothing wrong with them, right?

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It'll be based on a short-term
reward system based on the child's

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brain of like, "Ooh, shiny object.

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Ooh, squirrel.

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Oh, this parent promised me.

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Oh, I think I like the dog over
here better than the cat over here."

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That's not how we let kids pick.

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Number three, this is
the biggest one I think.

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It opens the door for manipulation.

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High conflict people, this is
their fucking middle name, guys.

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Get with it.

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This is who they are.

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If they see there is an opportunity
to manipulate the child into

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doing what they see best on it,
they will be on that so fast.

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They will start influencing the child.

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They will start shaping the child's
brain into, "Hey, you know, if you stay

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over here, you're gonna get a brand
new pickup truck when you turn 16.

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Hey, if you just tell your other parent
that you wanna live with me more, I'll

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get you a brand new iPhone when you
turn Parents do this, and I think some

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of you just really need to wake up.

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You may be thinking, "No,
my ex would not do that.

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" They would not stoop to
that disgusting level.

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Bullshit, Stace.

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All day long, Steve is doing
that all day long, okay?

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And roll reverse it if you need to because
both parents who are weak-minded and

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high conflict will manipulate a child for
their own personal gain, having no idea

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the damage they're doing to their kid.

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And again, doing all of this manipulation
and saying, "Well, you know, if

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you do this, I'll give you this.

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just kind of puts your child as the
messenger to go back and forth and say,

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" Well, I wanna go stay over here more,
or I want this over here because this

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parent said I'll get this if I do this.

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" the child is having to go back and
forth and relay messages back and forth.

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So then again, the child becomes
this tool inside of a co-parenting

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situation, which is just not right.

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And then that kid becomes a
people pleaser, and then that

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kid goes on and marries what?

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A fucking narcissist later.

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We gotta stop this pattern, you guys.

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And again, I know I'm jumping
the ropes a little bit here, but

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that's what ends up happening.

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We gotta make sure these kids know
they have a voice about themselves,

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but not about their situation.

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We need to handle that as adults
as much as humanly possible.

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And I know my audience is high conflict.

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I know a lot of you are like, "Sam, I
don't know. Am I gonna get my ex to pick

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something that's good for the child and
not just good for themselves?" Well,

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that's where the parenting plan comes
into play, but let's keep going here.

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Number four, if we ask our children
what they want in the parenting

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plan, it creates confusion and
the reality doesn't match it.

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So if you ask your child what they
want, but then you're like, "Okay,

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you wanna live with me five days
out of the week and you only wanna

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live with your other parent too.

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Okay.

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Okay.

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I'll let everybody know.

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" And then the judge is like,
"Nope, fifty fifty." What's

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that gonna do to your child?

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Is your child gonna feel unheard,
misled, damaged of trust?

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Because you asked them, you, the
child said, "Well, I wanna live with

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you most of the time and just see the
other parent every once in awhile."

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But then they got handed to fifty fifty.

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why did you do that?

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Why did you set that kid
up to get so disappointed?

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Again, sometimes we have good intentions.

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We didn't know that that
wasn't gonna be listened to.

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We went to court, we said, "Hey,
the child said me five days and that

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person only too." We said that, but
then the judge is like, "Nah, I don't

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see either one of you being better
than the other, so fifty fifty it is.

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then you gotta go back and save
face with your kid that you said,

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"Oh, well, I'll get you five and
two, and that's not what happened."

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And now that kid is fifty fifty.

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Don't set your kid up thinking that,
well, if they have this opinion

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that that's gonna be heard, if any
of you are new here, family court

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system does not work like that.

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So don't be talking to your kids being
like, " Oh, I'll make that happen."

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Don't make broken promises because
it'll be egg on your face real fast.

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Number five, it forces your
kids into adult decisions.

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I mean, that's what I
said at the beginning.

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Your kid should be focused on, sneaking
in and get another pack of fruit snacks

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or maybe sneaking out and riding their
bike around the block after bedtime.

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Not this whole like, " Okay, kiddo, how
do you wanna celebrate your birthday?

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All right, where do you wanna
wake up on Christmas morning?

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Okay, if you had a choice on the day
that you don't have school, do you

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wanna be with me or with the other
parent?" These are not decisions

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your children should be making.

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It's an emotional burden that no child
should have to go through, because

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you know what a child's gonna say?

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My parents were so weak ass minded, they
couldn't make a choice to save their life.

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They put every decision on me.

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Even though you're saying, "No,
no, no. I'm asking them because

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I wanna know their input."

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They're a fucking child.

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You know the only input they have
is what they've already been doing.

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And I had a case like this, a couple
months ago where one of my one-on-one

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people who, she was saying that her
child wanted to have a birthday party

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together and the child was adamant.

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I think the child was
like 10, 11, adamant.

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they were just starting their divorce
and the parents went and said, "Well,

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what do you wanna do for your birthday?"
"Well, I wanna party together.

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I want both mom and both, both dad there.

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" Now, mom and dad are in high conflict,
horrible case, fighting, arguing, are

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in co-parenting counseling together.

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It's not pretty.

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It's not good.

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It's not cordial.

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We're not even on speaking terms.

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We're only using an app.

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Now, this is not good to
have a birthday party, right?

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which is gonna be an episode.

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But what it got into was this
child only has known birthday

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parties together for 10 years.

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She's only seen both set of
grandparents and aunts and uncles and

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all of the things that she wanted.

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And then there's only been one
party, so she doesn't even know

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what two parties would look like.

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And here's the deal, and we'll get into
this in a later episode about birthdays,

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but you don't have to have a birthday
party if the other parent's having one.

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You could have something small
and quaint, but when a kid doesn't

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know what it looks like, they're
gonna say what they're used to.

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What's familiar is where
they will go, all right?

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And not all kids.

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Some kids will be like, " Hell no, I
don't want any party with either one of

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you because you're crazy, you're crazy.

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Let's do two separate.

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I want one at Denny's and one
at Chuck E Cheese and don't

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even come near each other.

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It can't even be on the same day.

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" But these are not child's
decisions, all right?

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You can say," Hey, kiddo, what
do you wanna do for your birthday

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when you're with me this weekend?

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Hey, what do you wanna do?

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Your birthday falls on
Thursday and you'll be with me.

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What would you like to
do on that Thursday?

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"But you have no way of letting that
child, you guys, it's a bad, bad

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choice to say," Hey, what do you want?

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"And the child says," Well,
I want things together.

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Now you gotta be Debbie Downer and ruin
that moment and say, Oh, no, no, no.

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We're not doing that.

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"So that creates confusion.

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Healthy boundaries get lost in there.

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Let's not do that.

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The last one, parents start
seeking validation through their

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kid, and this is the weakest one.

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This is the one where I'm
telling you if this is why you're

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asking, you need some help.

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And I'm not saying that to be mean,
I'm saying that to be truthful.

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You need to hear it.

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If you're somebody that
constantly says," Did you miss me?

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Did you think about me?

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Do you wanna be with me?

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Do you wanna stay here longer?

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"If you are saying things like that,
because those are not neutral questions.

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Those are, " I feel bad about myself and
I want my child to make me feel better.

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"That's what that screams is you need
to fucking get your shit together

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because your child should not feel your
inadequacies and your weaknesses and

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your vulnerabilities the stuff that you
need to work fucking through because

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you all need to work through something.

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We all do.

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We all do.

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You don't go into a divorce being like,
" Oh, I'm healed now that I got a divorce.

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"No, you have to do some work and a lot
of it goes back to childhood, some of

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it goes back to decisions that you made
that you haven't forgiven yourself for.

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There's all the things.

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But what your child's job is not
is filling your tank back up with

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your validating seeking questions.

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So if you wanna feel good about
yourself, go do something.

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Don't ask your kid to
fill your fucking tank.

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And high conflict people do
this like the day is long.

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They will ask their child," Who
do you wanna live with more?

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Who do you love more?

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I know you wanna spend
Christmas with me, right?

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you want me to be the one
that takes you to school.

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You want me.

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" They word the question to where the
child has no out, has no way to say

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that they don't wanna do that because
of the way the question is worded.

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It's not neutral.

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So the result is the parent feels
better temporarily while the child

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is left going, " I am responsible
for the way this parent feels.

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" And while some kids grab onto
that and go, " You know what?

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It's my job to make sure mom feels whole.

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It's my job to make sure
dad knows I love him.

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" That's not your child's job.

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That's your fucking job.

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That's your job, not your child's.

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So some children will jump into that.

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But then you know what they become?

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People pleasers.

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And they're so worried about making sure
you're okay that forget who they are.

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And then they just chameleon themselves
through life and adapt and attract to

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whoever's in their life right now and
they don't even know who their true self

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is because they've spent their whole
life making sure other people are happy.

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How do I know this?

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I was one of those former people.

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I've raised children like that.

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So you have to make sure you get
ahead of this and fill your own bucket

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so your kid doesn't have that job.

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So don't ask those validating questions.

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You love me more, right?

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Please.

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Okay?

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Put that away.

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So children are not meant to
make these parenting decisions.

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They're not meant to manage
your fucking emotions.

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They just need structure,
not choices in this area.

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So what to do instead?

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Okay?

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If I don't wanna ask my kid what
they wanna do, what do I do?

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You create a clear parenting plan.

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You're smart, you're savvy, you know
your kids, you know your future, you

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know what you want it to look like.

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Make the choices, make decisions,
get an education, take my masterclass

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and know the ins and the outs, the
times, the things that are best.

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how do I make sure my kid
has the best at a Christmas?

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00:13:17,213 --> 00:13:20,303
Watch that masterclass, you're
gonna learn so much right there.

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But let the child just be a child,
even when that other parent is

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not letting them be that child.

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Okay?

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00:13:28,926 --> 00:13:33,126
There will be a time when your kids are
older and they will be more mature and

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you'll be able to ask those questions.

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But it's not usually at the very
beginning of a divorce and it's definitely

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not when your children are young.

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00:13:40,673 --> 00:13:45,225
We gotta let these kids grow and get
a frontal cortex and start thinking on

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their own and start listening to their
own type of music and start wearing

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those different kind of clothes and
start asking for different haircuts

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and, "Hey, can I change my room around?"

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When you start noticing they have
decision making about how they feel,

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look, smell, act, their friends circle
specific, they're really getting

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00:14:02,535 --> 00:14:06,495
into their own things, that may be
a time where we start asking some

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00:14:06,495 --> 00:14:09,855
more input on some things, not all.

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But I have parents out there right now
asking a six-year-old what they wanna

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do on Christmas morning and letting that
child feel as though they have an input.

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00:14:17,955 --> 00:14:21,075
And I know somebody right now is listening
going, " Well, you don't understand.

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00:14:21,448 --> 00:14:23,428
My six-year-old is like a 16-year-old.

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00:14:23,428 --> 00:14:25,018
My six-year-old's like a 26-year-old.

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00:14:25,018 --> 00:14:25,978
She's an old soul.

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00:14:26,518 --> 00:14:27,148
She's a kid.

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00:14:27,827 --> 00:14:29,687
She's a kid and you're an adult.

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00:14:30,107 --> 00:14:33,347
Be the adult in her life and
take care of it yourself.

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00:14:33,707 --> 00:14:36,617
It's not your kid's job to
pick between two parents.

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00:14:36,827 --> 00:14:38,807
It's your job to protect
them from having to.