all right.
Why should you not be doing a joint birthday party and writing
it into your parenting plan?
Well, I'm just gonna tell you right now, it's not what you're
gonna wanna do long term.
This is a very unpopular saying, " Do not write in what you do not want to do.
" And so many parents think, " Well, this is what's best for kids
is to have a joint party."
No, it's not.
I'm gonna tell you right now, your child, as they see how this is gonna
play out in your divorce and how co-parenting's gonna go, the last
thing this kid wants is a joint party.
Okay?
So if you wanna do it, you do it on your own.
You don't write it into your parenting plan.
So if there's this off chance that three years from now, you and your ex
are getting along really well, awesome.
Go have a joint party.
But if you and your ex are not, there's nothing in your parenting
plan that says you have to do this.
Now, I'm just gonna tell you a little story here real quick
because it's my podcast and I can.
I had a client who was trying to get divorced for, I think, four years.
This is the same woman that was being poisoned in her own
home by her mother-in-law.
Okay?
She went to co-parenting counseling and because it was court mandated.
And so she got to sit an hour every week and listen to her ex tell her
what a big piece of shit she was.
This co-parenting counselor then said, after years of co-parenting
therapy, of her sitting there for a year, we could not get her out of it.
We tried, you guys, we tried.
This co-parenting therapist was on one.
She said, and I quote, "You are doing this birthday party together because
you're not gonna be able to have the kid party without inviting him or you're
not gonna be able to have this big huge party with all these things and elephants
and all that without inviting her.
And so you're doing it together." The co-parenting therapist ordered
them to do a party together.
I'm just gonna tell you how that went.
Piss poor.
Okay?
And we're gonna get into why it went piss poor in this episode.
So again, we are not doing a birthday party together.
At least we're not writing it into the parenting plan.
So why do parents first … I mean, let's just go back a little bit.
Why do parents think this is a good idea?
' Cause they think in their non-divorced mind that this is what's best for kids.
So you already know what's best for kids even though you haven't done it yet.
No, this is so wrong that we should do it together for them, that it's
normal, to ask co-parents to do this.
It's normal on TV, guys.
It's normal on that one wacky friend that got divorced and her and her
husband, like, live by each other.
Like, that's normal for them.
That's not normal for us because we don't like each other and we don't get along.
And he makes my skin crawl and I wanna make him vomit.
Okay?
We are not that couple.
But parents think they're doing this for their kid.
When deep down, again, I don't know if you're new here, but my kids who are
now adults are part of my business.
They give feedback, they help out, they come up with training ideas,
they give input and all the things that they went through in a high
conflict co-parenting journey.
And one of the things that they, you will hear them say every time they do anything
with me is that the last thing we wanted was our parents to be around each other.
Okay?
So you take a kid's birthday and you throw two people that should not be around each
other on that kid's birthday in front of his peers, in front of friends and family.
That's not what that kid wants.
You think it is, but it's not.
And you think because you know you can behave, you're putting your
expectations on your ex who we all know won't keep their shit together.
So first and foremost, why this creates problems doing this shit together?
Conflict shows up fast.
The personality differences, the tension, who are we inviting?
Who are we not inviting?
Disagreements over the details.
Like, for example, when this client of mine and her ex, trying to divorce for
four years, co-parenting therapist was involved, putting her little hand on
everything because she had a big ego.
They fought over the cake.
They fought over the gift, the big gift, the co-parenting therapist that
they had to go in together for a gift.
I mean, this lady was on one.
I'm not gonna get it, get it twisted.
The timing of, "Well, are we doing it during dad's weekend or mom's weekend?"
The guest list, he didn't want, her family invited and she obviously was being,
trying to be off by her mother-in-law, so she fought about what the kid would
wear, and then they fought about when was the haircut gonna be given to
the child before the birthday party.
And I'm just telling you, like, it was insanity trying to plan a birthday
party that mom didn't wanna do together.
She was like, "I won't even have a party.
I'll do a cake.
I'll do a fucking cupcake at a restaurant, tell them happy
birthday and be done with it.
" This parenting plan coordinator overstepped and said, "No. You both have
to be there and rise to the occasion and do what's best for your kid and do
this birthday party together." And you don't end up paying for everything?
Hmm.
Mom, even though she didn't even want the party, the elephant,
the cake, all the things, okay?
Number two, the money fight.
When I tell you that people will fight over helion balloons, they will.
Who contributes more?
Who pays?
And it's always one parent will pay, and the other parent's
like, "Oh, pay you back."
And then they get there and like, "Well, I think that's stupid.
I don't want to pay for that.
I think that's dumb.
I didn't want … Cake is all they needed, blah, blah, blah." Because
let's be real, when's the last time high conflict people were really
planning much of anything, right?
They're great for that Instagram pick.
They'll show up, snap a few pictures, act like they've done all the work and
take all the credit, but they aren't doing the work, so they don't even
know how much a birthday party costs.
Side note, we don't do big birthday parties, by the way, if you're wanting
advice and you love my parenting style, you get two friends, that's
it, and their parents aren't coming.
So if their parent doesn't feel comfortable dropping their child
off for a few hours after they've met me, then you're down to one
person and you may down to zero.
But I'm not inviting Billy Bob and Stacy and Lauren and Steve.
And I'm not inviting your whole class to a fucking birthday party.
Just saying.
It's okay to say no to that.
Anyways, number three, the child feels the tension.
When you do these birthday parties together, your child is like, " Oh
shit, I don't know which energy or personality to bring to this
birthday party because when I'm with mom, I am this type of personality.
And when I am with the other parent, dad or the other mom,
I am this type of personality.
And I don't know which personality to show up as because I feel really comfortable
with this parent, but this parent has never seen me act like this before.
So if I act like this with this parent, but this parent observes it, oh,
shit, all hell may break loose." And so then what happens to that child?
They freeze, they fawn, they go into shutdown mode, and then the parents
walk going, "Why aren't you smiling?
Why aren't you talking?
Did you go over and say, um, hello to your uncle?
Did you know your grandmother's been here and you haven't said anything to
her?" And the child's like, "I don't know who to walk to first because
I don't know who to please first." They worry and watch the parents.
I remember the very few times that my ex- husband and I were in the
same room, usually around sporting events, my children were like
head on a swivel like, "Oh, shit.
She's walking over here.
Great.
Awesome." And then I'd stand like by her and her dad and Joe would just
be like frozen like waiting for the explosion to happen as her friends
were like, "Hey, Joe, come over here.
Hey, Joe, let's go do this.
Let's go take it to, know, a picture, blah, blah, blah." She was like, " I
can't leave my parents because all hell may break loose if I leave this circle."
That's not any way for a kid to feel on their fucking birthday.
And the kid may be fearing this big explosion of embarrassment that here
are all of like these people around and your child sitting there going, " This
could blow up at any moment." And this is my birthday, chapter seven
of the book about how my parents divorced fucked up my childhood.
And I say that because honestly, you guys, like, if my two children, shout
out to Walker and Joe, if my two children ever decide to write a book about their
childhood, I am going to make them millions because they have some shit
to say because their childhood was not rainbows and unicorns through a divorce
in an ugly ass co-parenting journey.
And some of the things that I did wrong is what I share in my work
because I did it wrong and I'm not too uppity up to be like, "Well, I
did it all right." I fucked up a lot.
I fucked up for years with them and the situation and not understanding what
it was for what it was and handling it piss poorly and making wrong choices
and doing the things that I thought was good co-parenting when all it
was was creating more tension for myself and my children and putting my
children in the middle and putting my children into people pleasing mode,
all because I wanted to just co-parent.
I couldn't co-parent because I didn't have somebody to co-parent with.
I had a counter-co-parent and it took me a long time to own that, all right?
So number four, the other parents will feel awkward.
Can you imagine, I mean, I live in the south now, which I just don't know
what this is about, and somebody can enlighten me over an email if you want to.
But in the south, parents come to birthday parties.
Parents also go to practices for soccers and like this is weird to me because
up from the north, people just drop kids off and we hope for the best and
we pick our kids up in three hours.
I mean, is it a dateline special waiting to happen?
Probably, but I digress.
Anyways, so when you have a birthday party, parents typically come.
Can you imagine that shit show of here's two midst of divorce or divorce.
Sh- he's got a new boo.
I've got a new boo.
There's four parents here now for this one child and all these
parents are like, "Who's that?
Who's that?
Oh, they got divorced.
Oh, well, are they, do they get along?" And now you are the conversation
piece about the fucking birthday party instead of it being about your child.
I just don't like it.
It's icky.
It's gross, okay?
It becomes a performance, which is the last one.
Like, you know who I'm talking about.
It may not be you, but it's your co-parent, right?
Your co-parent that shows up and just fucking performs like Academy Award.
We're talking, you don't even recognize this person.
They are such a good parent.
They're cutting up cake.
They're picking up wrapping paper.
They're … Oh, put a little bow on little Johnny's head and you're
like, "Who the fuck are you, right?
And where have you been hiding?" I want you to come out more.
It's the good role, right?
It's this performance.
And you know who can call that bullshit a mile away?
Your kids, okay?
Your kids can see when you fake nice to each other and you're like, "Oh my gosh,
let's take a picture together." Which I'm just gonna say this also, sidebar.
If you can stomach it and there's not a domestic violence situation going on, at
least once a season offer, kiddo, would you like a picture with your dad and I?
My ex and I did this probably once a year.
We did this just so Joe, my daughter, had a picture of her two parents.
Sometimes we were getting along in the picture, sometimes we were giving each
other the middle finger behind her back.
I mean, not literally, probably.
I don't know.
I've probably blocked it out, but we did a picture.
So she does have a picture of us together.
But you know what I'm talking about, that performative of like,
"Oh, how are you doing?" " Good.
Eat shit and die, "is what you really wanna be saying, but you're doing this
whole like, " Oh, I, how's your job?
"You don't really care, right?
This performative act, gross.
I'd rather vomit and eat it than do well, do all of that, okay?
So let's not do that.
So the truth about what your kids really want is they just
wanna have a good birthday.
They want their friends to come and celebrate.
They want their families from both sides, which means you may have to have,
I don't know, separate celebrations.
Let's do it.
Let's get into what's the better approach.
Kids want separate celebrations.
Either they want them because they look forward to having two parties
or maybe it's unfamiliar to them and you have to introduce it to them, but
each parent should be able to have their own party at their own time.
And let's be real, okay?
If your kid's birthday's on a Tuesday, you're not fucking
celebrating on a Tuesday anyways.
I mean, you're probably doing something small, but you're
having the party on the weekend.
So if you're in a divorce setting, your weekend, have the party.
The following weekend when your ex has the kids, they can have the party.
It doesn't have to be together, but I will tell you this, this is your
little bit of tea in this episode.
Always celebrate earlier than the birthday.
Be the first birthday party.
Be the first gift giver.
Be the first.
I'm telling you right now, high conflict people will ruin that
shit as quick as they possibly can.
So celebrate half birthday, celebrate the whole two weekends before.
I don't care, but celebrate early, you've been warned.
Number two, create new traditions.
No more are we doing this big party.
You've already heard my stint about that.
These big fucking parties where you're spending hundreds of dollars
on fucking cake and then decorations and then it's a baseball party.
It's a trampoline party.
It's a fucking ice skating rink part.
You guys, just have your kids over play in the yard for free and have some
cupcakes that are boxed from fucking Betty Crocker and be done with this shit.
This over elaborate money spending spectacle, please, let's
start a new tradition where we don't do that anymore, okay?
Smaller, more intimate.
Again, I let my kids have two kids over, and so far only one's
RSVP'd, and we got a May birthday, and I ain't mad about it, okay?
Maybe we go stay at night in a hotel, a cheap ass hotel.
All your kids care about is a fucking pool anyways.
Like, maybe you just stay home and do a scavenger hunt.
That's what we do on birthdays to make it special.
Maybe you have a yes day.
All the ideas possible besides having this big, huge tension, oriented birthday.
Like my mom called the other day and she said, "What are you doing for
Augie's he's having one friend over I don't feel like I need to have
this big 15 family members over.
I just don't anymore.
maybe that's wrong of me, but we live far away and I don't expect
people to travel for four hours we're gonna see you in June.
We can celebrate then.
that's how I see that.
So start your new traditions.
Number three, do not, do not split the day.
Okay?
This is non-negotiable.
If you follow me, then this is non-negotiable.
All of you that are like, "I deserve to see my child on
his parenting." No, you don't.
You got divorced.
No, you don't.
That's reason number 723, why divorce sucks.
You don't get to see your kid on major events.
Birthday being one of them.
But no kid wants to be like, " Oh, shit, it's three o'clock.
I gotta go to the other house now." No.
They want to enjoy their day, okay?
They just want to enjoy their day.
No bouncing around between houses because the adults in the conversation feel like
it, they're, it's my right to see my kid.
It's not your right when you sign the divorce papers.
Sorry, you lost that right.
It's whosever visitation day it is because I don't include
these in my parenting plans.
I mean, if you want to, we'll do it, but I'm telling you
right now, it's a bad decision.
It's a bad decision to include birthdays in your parenting plan.
Just let it fall how it falls.
Whoever has a child has a child, especially for all of you
that have three plus children.
You're changing the visitation schedule three plus times possibly.
No, thank you.
The kid just wants to enjoy the day and the whole day.
And then you know what?
A whole different day, they get to enjoy it all over again.
Nobody cares.
You're … I'm 47.
I can't tell you.
Not one time if I celebrated my birthday on my birthday as a child.
Couldn't tell you.
You know what that tells me?
It's not fucking important to celebrate on your child's actual day of birth.
Can you remember?
Ask yourself.
The day you turned nine, who were you with?
Was it the actual day or did you have your party on the weekend?
And hell, what kid wouldn't love to have two parties?
Good Lord.
Two cakes, two parties?
Come on.
Number four, remove the pressure off the child and just make
a plan for your own day.
And you don't need to hear from the other parent.
Kiddo, I'm sure you're doing something with your dad.
We're doing this.
I'm sure you're doing something with your mom.
I'm sure there'll be something.
Last year you went out with grandma.
That's cool.
You allow your child to have the best time with that other parent and you
don't compare and you have the best time with your child during your time.
This is not a race.
This is not a competition.
This is not a, " Oh my gosh, I have to do this.
You have to do this.
It's not.
Remove the pressure from the child.
It's not a, " What do you want to do?
Hey, here are three ideas.
Which one would you like?
" They don't have to come up with something because a kid that knows
you're poor doesn't wanna say, "Oh, I want a big, huge party," because
they know you can't afford it.
Right now, because this is your life right now, maybe you will later, remove the
pressure of doing something non-expensive and just maybe you have a park, you go
see seven parks that day and you just drive around to all the public parks in
your neighboring towns and do a whole day of yeses of every park with snacks.
And you just have snacks all day.
It's a fucking free long, like, just snack day, no, no vegetable in sight.
But take the pressure off your kid and give yourself peace too that you don't
have to hit the mark of making it amazing.
You don't.
We all have those few birthdays.
We're like, "Ooh, I do remember turning 12.
Ooh, I do remember blah, blah, blah." But you don't have to
make it this big, huge spectacle.
Make it powerful in the way that you relate to the child, and that's it.
Give yourself some grace that you're not gonna be able to do everything
that that other parent can do because maybe they have bigger finances.
Cool.
Awesome for them.
I'm not comparing myself because while they may be able to throw the big,
huge, extravagant party because they have an extra dime in their pocket
than I do, you know what I have?
Intentionality.
I know what size my child is.
I know their favorite color.
I know that thing that they've been walking around and looking at every
single time they've been to Target.
I know that special thing.
I know that quote they've been looking forward to.
I know that fingernail polish that they've been wanting.
I know the detailed gift, small or big that they've been holding onto
because I talked to my child, I'm with my child, I pay attention.
Anybody can throw the party, guys, but who really knows the special thing your
child wants to do or get on their day?
Maybe that's superpower that you have with your child.
All right?
So jo- birthday parties sound like a great idea until all hell is broken loose and
you're in World War III with your ex, and now it's written into your parenting
plan and you're stuck together like peas and carrots and you don't want to.
So don't create unnecessary stress or conflict or pressure on your child and
just write in that birthdays will be separate during your own parenting time.
So this is again, a reminder to let your child have a birthday that they
want and not have to feel the divorce on their birthday by having tension or
unnecessary switching or just forced togetherness that feels yucky and gross.
Stay calm and just enjoy the celebration and do what's best for you and the child
for your time and allow that other parent to do what they wish during their time.