1 00:00:00,163 --> 00:00:00,433 all right. 2 00:00:00,433 --> 00:00:04,999 Why should you not be doing a joint birthday party and writing 3 00:00:04,999 --> 00:00:06,110 it into your parenting plan? 4 00:00:06,530 --> 00:00:08,270 Well, I'm just gonna tell you right now, it's not what you're 5 00:00:08,270 --> 00:00:09,379 gonna wanna do long term. 6 00:00:09,773 --> 00:00:16,339 This is a very unpopular saying, " Do not write in what you do not want to do. 7 00:00:16,773 --> 00:00:19,826 " And so many parents think, " Well, this is what's best for kids 8 00:00:19,826 --> 00:00:21,116 is to have a joint party." 9 00:00:21,146 --> 00:00:21,776 No, it's not. 10 00:00:22,046 --> 00:00:25,256 I'm gonna tell you right now, your child, as they see how this is gonna 11 00:00:25,256 --> 00:00:28,849 play out in your divorce and how co-parenting's gonna go, the last 12 00:00:28,849 --> 00:00:30,830 thing this kid wants is a joint party. 13 00:00:31,190 --> 00:00:31,639 Okay? 14 00:00:31,983 --> 00:00:35,296 So if you wanna do it, you do it on your own. 15 00:00:35,356 --> 00:00:36,766 You don't write it into your parenting plan. 16 00:00:36,766 --> 00:00:40,486 So if there's this off chance that three years from now, you and your ex 17 00:00:40,690 --> 00:00:43,356 are getting along really well, awesome. 18 00:00:43,706 --> 00:00:44,643 Go have a joint party. 19 00:00:44,973 --> 00:00:48,326 But if you and your ex are not, there's nothing in your parenting 20 00:00:48,326 --> 00:00:50,306 plan that says you have to do this. 21 00:00:50,306 --> 00:00:52,046 Now, I'm just gonna tell you a little story here real quick 22 00:00:52,046 --> 00:00:53,486 because it's my podcast and I can. 23 00:00:53,946 --> 00:00:56,583 I had a client who was trying to get divorced for, I think, four years. 24 00:00:56,973 --> 00:00:59,166 This is the same woman that was being poisoned in her own 25 00:00:59,166 --> 00:01:00,726 home by her mother-in-law. 26 00:01:00,846 --> 00:01:01,296 Okay? 27 00:01:01,636 --> 00:01:05,066 She went to co-parenting counseling and because it was court mandated. 28 00:01:05,430 --> 00:01:09,963 And so she got to sit an hour every week and listen to her ex tell her 29 00:01:09,963 --> 00:01:11,373 what a big piece of shit she was. 30 00:01:11,670 --> 00:01:15,546 This co-parenting counselor then said, after years of co-parenting 31 00:01:15,546 --> 00:01:18,036 therapy, of her sitting there for a year, we could not get her out of it. 32 00:01:18,036 --> 00:01:19,086 We tried, you guys, we tried. 33 00:01:19,413 --> 00:01:21,223 This co-parenting therapist was on one. 34 00:01:21,450 --> 00:01:26,343 She said, and I quote, "You are doing this birthday party together because 35 00:01:26,343 --> 00:01:29,433 you're not gonna be able to have the kid party without inviting him or you're 36 00:01:29,433 --> 00:01:32,253 not gonna be able to have this big huge party with all these things and elephants 37 00:01:32,253 --> 00:01:33,723 and all that without inviting her. 38 00:01:34,000 --> 00:01:37,870 And so you're doing it together." The co-parenting therapist ordered 39 00:01:37,870 --> 00:01:39,310 them to do a party together. 40 00:01:39,340 --> 00:01:40,720 I'm just gonna tell you how that went. 41 00:01:41,090 --> 00:01:41,910 Piss poor. 42 00:01:42,493 --> 00:01:43,103 Piss poor. 43 00:01:43,613 --> 00:01:43,883 Okay? 44 00:01:43,883 --> 00:01:46,763 And we're gonna get into why it went piss poor in this episode. 45 00:01:47,093 --> 00:01:51,563 So again, we are not doing a birthday party together. 46 00:01:51,796 --> 00:01:55,613 At least we're not writing it into the parenting plan. 47 00:01:55,926 --> 00:01:58,340 So why do parents first … I mean, let's just go back a little bit. 48 00:01:58,370 --> 00:01:59,900 Why do parents think this is a good idea? 49 00:02:00,276 --> 00:02:04,603 ' Cause they think in their non-divorced mind that this is what's best for kids. 50 00:02:04,603 --> 00:02:06,823 So you already know what's best for kids even though you haven't done it yet. 51 00:02:07,243 --> 00:02:11,690 No, this is so wrong that we should do it together for them, that it's 52 00:02:11,690 --> 00:02:14,554 normal, to ask co-parents to do this. 53 00:02:14,820 --> 00:02:16,354 It's normal on TV, guys. 54 00:02:16,583 --> 00:02:20,144 It's normal on that one wacky friend that got divorced and her and her 55 00:02:20,144 --> 00:02:22,334 husband, like, live by each other. 56 00:02:22,694 --> 00:02:24,494 Like, that's normal for them. 57 00:02:24,704 --> 00:02:28,754 That's not normal for us because we don't like each other and we don't get along. 58 00:02:28,784 --> 00:02:32,204 And he makes my skin crawl and I wanna make him vomit. 59 00:02:32,613 --> 00:02:33,060 Okay? 60 00:02:33,090 --> 00:02:34,320 We are not that couple. 61 00:02:34,530 --> 00:02:36,960 But parents think they're doing this for their kid. 62 00:02:37,316 --> 00:02:40,257 When deep down, again, I don't know if you're new here, but my kids who are 63 00:02:40,257 --> 00:02:42,387 now adults are part of my business. 64 00:02:42,387 --> 00:02:45,357 They give feedback, they help out, they come up with training ideas, 65 00:02:45,357 --> 00:02:47,967 they give input and all the things that they went through in a high 66 00:02:47,967 --> 00:02:49,167 conflict co-parenting journey. 67 00:02:49,453 --> 00:02:53,467 And one of the things that they, you will hear them say every time they do anything 68 00:02:53,467 --> 00:02:57,577 with me is that the last thing we wanted was our parents to be around each other. 69 00:02:57,987 --> 00:02:58,297 Okay? 70 00:02:58,607 --> 00:03:03,100 So you take a kid's birthday and you throw two people that should not be around each 71 00:03:03,100 --> 00:03:07,660 other on that kid's birthday in front of his peers, in front of friends and family. 72 00:03:07,944 --> 00:03:09,250 That's not what that kid wants. 73 00:03:09,510 --> 00:03:11,294 You think it is, but it's not. 74 00:03:11,500 --> 00:03:14,564 And you think because you know you can behave, you're putting your 75 00:03:14,564 --> 00:03:19,090 expectations on your ex who we all know won't keep their shit together. 76 00:03:19,427 --> 00:03:22,840 So first and foremost, why this creates problems doing this shit together? 77 00:03:23,190 --> 00:03:25,080 Conflict shows up fast. 78 00:03:25,334 --> 00:03:27,780 The personality differences, the tension, who are we inviting? 79 00:03:27,780 --> 00:03:28,860 Who are we not inviting? 80 00:03:29,064 --> 00:03:30,704 Disagreements over the details. 81 00:03:30,947 --> 00:03:35,290 Like, for example, when this client of mine and her ex, trying to divorce for 82 00:03:35,290 --> 00:03:38,110 four years, co-parenting therapist was involved, putting her little hand on 83 00:03:38,110 --> 00:03:39,940 everything because she had a big ego. 84 00:03:40,207 --> 00:03:41,237 They fought over the cake. 85 00:03:41,570 --> 00:03:45,174 They fought over the gift, the big gift, the co-parenting therapist that 86 00:03:45,174 --> 00:03:46,674 they had to go in together for a gift. 87 00:03:46,905 --> 00:03:48,479 I mean, this lady was on one. 88 00:03:48,479 --> 00:03:50,009 I'm not gonna get it, get it twisted. 89 00:03:50,278 --> 00:03:53,039 The timing of, "Well, are we doing it during dad's weekend or mom's weekend?" 90 00:03:53,433 --> 00:03:57,778 The guest list, he didn't want, her family invited and she obviously was being, 91 00:03:57,868 --> 00:04:01,863 trying to be off by her mother-in-law, so she fought about what the kid would 92 00:04:01,863 --> 00:04:04,713 wear, and then they fought about when was the haircut gonna be given to 93 00:04:04,713 --> 00:04:06,273 the child before the birthday party. 94 00:04:06,273 --> 00:04:10,987 And I'm just telling you, like, it was insanity trying to plan a birthday 95 00:04:10,987 --> 00:04:13,357 party that mom didn't wanna do together. 96 00:04:13,357 --> 00:04:15,037 She was like, "I won't even have a party. 97 00:04:15,067 --> 00:04:16,027 I'll do a cake. 98 00:04:16,244 --> 00:04:18,637 I'll do a fucking cupcake at a restaurant, tell them happy 99 00:04:18,637 --> 00:04:20,047 birthday and be done with it. 100 00:04:20,427 --> 00:04:24,907 " This parenting plan coordinator overstepped and said, "No. You both have 101 00:04:24,907 --> 00:04:28,507 to be there and rise to the occasion and do what's best for your kid and do 102 00:04:28,507 --> 00:04:30,787 this birthday party together." And you don't end up paying for everything? 103 00:04:30,907 --> 00:04:31,807 Hmm. 104 00:04:32,027 --> 00:04:34,877 Mom, even though she didn't even want the party, the elephant, 105 00:04:34,877 --> 00:04:36,467 the cake, all the things, okay? 106 00:04:36,688 --> 00:04:38,140 Number two, the money fight. 107 00:04:38,474 --> 00:04:42,317 When I tell you that people will fight over helion balloons, they will. 108 00:04:42,641 --> 00:04:43,563 Who contributes more? 109 00:04:43,563 --> 00:04:44,163 Who pays? 110 00:04:44,163 --> 00:04:46,503 And it's always one parent will pay, and the other parent's 111 00:04:46,503 --> 00:04:47,373 like, "Oh, pay you back." 112 00:04:47,514 --> 00:04:49,083 And then they get there and like, "Well, I think that's stupid. 113 00:04:49,113 --> 00:04:49,863 I don't want to pay for that. 114 00:04:49,863 --> 00:04:50,553 I think that's dumb. 115 00:04:50,553 --> 00:04:54,153 I didn't want … Cake is all they needed, blah, blah, blah." Because 116 00:04:54,153 --> 00:04:56,853 let's be real, when's the last time high conflict people were really 117 00:04:56,853 --> 00:04:58,760 planning much of anything, right? 118 00:04:58,850 --> 00:05:00,320 They're great for that Instagram pick. 119 00:05:00,320 --> 00:05:03,320 They'll show up, snap a few pictures, act like they've done all the work and 120 00:05:03,320 --> 00:05:06,917 take all the credit, but they aren't doing the work, so they don't even 121 00:05:06,917 --> 00:05:08,537 know how much a birthday party costs. 122 00:05:08,848 --> 00:05:11,667 Side note, we don't do big birthday parties, by the way, if you're wanting 123 00:05:11,667 --> 00:05:15,047 advice and you love my parenting style, you get two friends, that's 124 00:05:15,047 --> 00:05:16,727 it, and their parents aren't coming. 125 00:05:16,934 --> 00:05:19,247 So if their parent doesn't feel comfortable dropping their child 126 00:05:19,247 --> 00:05:21,847 off for a few hours after they've met me, then you're down to one 127 00:05:21,847 --> 00:05:23,227 person and you may down to zero. 128 00:05:23,287 --> 00:05:27,553 But I'm not inviting Billy Bob and Stacy and Lauren and Steve. 129 00:05:27,553 --> 00:05:30,013 And I'm not inviting your whole class to a fucking birthday party. 130 00:05:30,398 --> 00:05:30,847 Just saying. 131 00:05:30,877 --> 00:05:32,197 It's okay to say no to that. 132 00:05:32,521 --> 00:05:35,190 Anyways, number three, the child feels the tension. 133 00:05:35,534 --> 00:05:40,103 When you do these birthday parties together, your child is like, " Oh 134 00:05:40,103 --> 00:05:44,633 shit, I don't know which energy or personality to bring to this 135 00:05:44,633 --> 00:05:48,833 birthday party because when I'm with mom, I am this type of personality. 136 00:05:48,893 --> 00:05:51,923 And when I am with the other parent, dad or the other mom, 137 00:05:52,223 --> 00:05:53,663 I am this type of personality. 138 00:05:53,723 --> 00:05:58,750 And I don't know which personality to show up as because I feel really comfortable 139 00:05:58,750 --> 00:06:01,390 with this parent, but this parent has never seen me act like this before. 140 00:06:01,390 --> 00:06:04,090 So if I act like this with this parent, but this parent observes it, oh, 141 00:06:04,090 --> 00:06:07,090 shit, all hell may break loose." And so then what happens to that child? 142 00:06:07,090 --> 00:06:12,163 They freeze, they fawn, they go into shutdown mode, and then the parents 143 00:06:12,163 --> 00:06:13,543 walk going, "Why aren't you smiling? 144 00:06:13,543 --> 00:06:14,413 Why aren't you talking? 145 00:06:14,413 --> 00:06:16,363 Did you go over and say, um, hello to your uncle? 146 00:06:16,363 --> 00:06:18,583 Did you know your grandmother's been here and you haven't said anything to 147 00:06:18,583 --> 00:06:22,213 her?" And the child's like, "I don't know who to walk to first because 148 00:06:22,213 --> 00:06:26,563 I don't know who to please first." They worry and watch the parents. 149 00:06:26,563 --> 00:06:29,173 I remember the very few times that my ex- husband and I were in the 150 00:06:29,173 --> 00:06:33,020 same room, usually around sporting events, my children were like 151 00:06:33,050 --> 00:06:35,660 head on a swivel like, "Oh, shit. 152 00:06:35,900 --> 00:06:37,370 She's walking over here. 153 00:06:37,460 --> 00:06:38,120 Great. 154 00:06:38,584 --> 00:06:41,690 Awesome." And then I'd stand like by her and her dad and Joe would just 155 00:06:41,690 --> 00:06:47,720 be like frozen like waiting for the explosion to happen as her friends 156 00:06:47,720 --> 00:06:49,070 were like, "Hey, Joe, come over here. 157 00:06:49,070 --> 00:06:50,150 Hey, Joe, let's go do this. 158 00:06:50,150 --> 00:06:52,987 Let's go take it to, know, a picture, blah, blah, blah." She was like, " I 159 00:06:52,987 --> 00:06:56,917 can't leave my parents because all hell may break loose if I leave this circle." 160 00:06:57,171 --> 00:07:00,300 That's not any way for a kid to feel on their fucking birthday. 161 00:07:00,611 --> 00:07:04,273 And the kid may be fearing this big explosion of embarrassment that here 162 00:07:04,273 --> 00:07:08,173 are all of like these people around and your child sitting there going, " This 163 00:07:08,173 --> 00:07:14,533 could blow up at any moment." And this is my birthday, chapter seven 164 00:07:14,593 --> 00:07:17,953 of the book about how my parents divorced fucked up my childhood. 165 00:07:19,427 --> 00:07:23,957 And I say that because honestly, you guys, like, if my two children, shout 166 00:07:23,957 --> 00:07:27,840 out to Walker and Joe, if my two children ever decide to write a book about their 167 00:07:27,840 --> 00:07:31,327 childhood, I am going to make them millions because they have some shit 168 00:07:31,327 --> 00:07:36,590 to say because their childhood was not rainbows and unicorns through a divorce 169 00:07:36,828 --> 00:07:38,660 in an ugly ass co-parenting journey. 170 00:07:39,028 --> 00:07:43,127 And some of the things that I did wrong is what I share in my work 171 00:07:43,554 --> 00:07:47,123 because I did it wrong and I'm not too uppity up to be like, "Well, I 172 00:07:47,123 --> 00:07:48,803 did it all right." I fucked up a lot. 173 00:07:48,803 --> 00:07:53,123 I fucked up for years with them and the situation and not understanding what 174 00:07:53,123 --> 00:07:56,963 it was for what it was and handling it piss poorly and making wrong choices 175 00:07:56,963 --> 00:07:59,483 and doing the things that I thought was good co-parenting when all it 176 00:07:59,483 --> 00:08:03,337 was was creating more tension for myself and my children and putting my 177 00:08:03,337 --> 00:08:05,977 children in the middle and putting my children into people pleasing mode, 178 00:08:06,161 --> 00:08:08,280 all because I wanted to just co-parent. 179 00:08:08,541 --> 00:08:11,553 I couldn't co-parent because I didn't have somebody to co-parent with. 180 00:08:11,798 --> 00:08:15,497 I had a counter-co-parent and it took me a long time to own that, all right? 181 00:08:15,527 --> 00:08:18,047 So number four, the other parents will feel awkward. 182 00:08:18,047 --> 00:08:20,657 Can you imagine, I mean, I live in the south now, which I just don't know 183 00:08:20,657 --> 00:08:23,657 what this is about, and somebody can enlighten me over an email if you want to. 184 00:08:24,031 --> 00:08:26,097 But in the south, parents come to birthday parties. 185 00:08:26,097 --> 00:08:30,577 Parents also go to practices for soccers and like this is weird to me because 186 00:08:30,577 --> 00:08:33,457 up from the north, people just drop kids off and we hope for the best and 187 00:08:33,457 --> 00:08:34,747 we pick our kids up in three hours. 188 00:08:35,071 --> 00:08:36,970 I mean, is it a dateline special waiting to happen? 189 00:08:36,970 --> 00:08:38,530 Probably, but I digress. 190 00:08:38,791 --> 00:08:42,027 Anyways, so when you have a birthday party, parents typically come. 191 00:08:42,027 --> 00:08:46,697 Can you imagine that shit show of here's two midst of divorce or divorce. 192 00:08:46,801 --> 00:08:48,047 Sh- he's got a new boo. 193 00:08:48,107 --> 00:08:49,217 I've got a new boo. 194 00:08:49,398 --> 00:08:52,427 There's four parents here now for this one child and all these 195 00:08:52,427 --> 00:08:53,687 parents are like, "Who's that? 196 00:08:53,921 --> 00:08:54,250 Who's that? 197 00:08:54,280 --> 00:08:55,240 Oh, they got divorced. 198 00:08:55,270 --> 00:08:58,697 Oh, well, are they, do they get along?" And now you are the conversation 199 00:08:58,697 --> 00:09:02,267 piece about the fucking birthday party instead of it being about your child. 200 00:09:02,644 --> 00:09:03,470 I just don't like it. 201 00:09:03,470 --> 00:09:04,220 It's icky. 202 00:09:04,250 --> 00:09:05,480 It's gross, okay? 203 00:09:05,698 --> 00:09:07,640 It becomes a performance, which is the last one. 204 00:09:08,088 --> 00:09:10,070 Like, you know who I'm talking about. 205 00:09:10,130 --> 00:09:12,200 It may not be you, but it's your co-parent, right? 206 00:09:12,464 --> 00:09:18,083 Your co-parent that shows up and just fucking performs like Academy Award. 207 00:09:18,473 --> 00:09:21,443 We're talking, you don't even recognize this person. 208 00:09:21,814 --> 00:09:23,887 They are such a good parent. 209 00:09:23,887 --> 00:09:25,867 They're cutting up cake. 210 00:09:26,208 --> 00:09:28,423 They're picking up wrapping paper. 211 00:09:28,423 --> 00:09:32,630 They're … Oh, put a little bow on little Johnny's head and you're 212 00:09:32,630 --> 00:09:36,407 like, "Who the fuck are you, right? 213 00:09:36,604 --> 00:09:39,347 And where have you been hiding?" I want you to come out more. 214 00:09:39,704 --> 00:09:40,917 It's the good role, right? 215 00:09:40,917 --> 00:09:41,907 It's this performance. 216 00:09:41,907 --> 00:09:44,427 And you know who can call that bullshit a mile away? 217 00:09:44,741 --> 00:09:46,253 Your kids, okay? 218 00:09:46,604 --> 00:09:50,453 Your kids can see when you fake nice to each other and you're like, "Oh my gosh, 219 00:09:50,748 --> 00:09:54,413 let's take a picture together." Which I'm just gonna say this also, sidebar. 220 00:09:54,738 --> 00:09:59,070 If you can stomach it and there's not a domestic violence situation going on, at 221 00:09:59,070 --> 00:10:04,727 least once a season offer, kiddo, would you like a picture with your dad and I? 222 00:10:05,111 --> 00:10:07,813 My ex and I did this probably once a year. 223 00:10:08,023 --> 00:10:14,160 We did this just so Joe, my daughter, had a picture of her two parents. 224 00:10:14,474 --> 00:10:18,213 Sometimes we were getting along in the picture, sometimes we were giving each 225 00:10:18,213 --> 00:10:19,563 other the middle finger behind her back. 226 00:10:19,743 --> 00:10:21,303 I mean, not literally, probably. 227 00:10:21,303 --> 00:10:21,783 I don't know. 228 00:10:22,173 --> 00:10:24,153 I've probably blocked it out, but we did a picture. 229 00:10:24,153 --> 00:10:26,883 So she does have a picture of us together. 230 00:10:27,271 --> 00:10:29,063 But you know what I'm talking about, that performative of like, 231 00:10:29,093 --> 00:10:31,043 "Oh, how are you doing?" " Good. 232 00:10:31,043 --> 00:10:34,013 Eat shit and die, "is what you really wanna be saying, but you're doing this 233 00:10:34,013 --> 00:10:36,563 whole like, " Oh, I, how's your job? 234 00:10:36,563 --> 00:10:37,853 "You don't really care, right? 235 00:10:38,111 --> 00:10:39,863 This performative act, gross. 236 00:10:39,953 --> 00:10:44,003 I'd rather vomit and eat it than do well, do all of that, okay? 237 00:10:44,181 --> 00:10:44,963 So let's not do that. 238 00:10:45,241 --> 00:10:47,983 So the truth about what your kids really want is they just 239 00:10:47,983 --> 00:10:49,063 wanna have a good birthday. 240 00:10:49,344 --> 00:10:51,973 They want their friends to come and celebrate. 241 00:10:51,973 --> 00:10:55,873 They want their families from both sides, which means you may have to have, 242 00:10:56,074 --> 00:10:58,663 I don't know, separate celebrations. 243 00:10:58,663 --> 00:10:59,203 Let's do it. 244 00:10:59,203 --> 00:11:00,943 Let's get into what's the better approach. 245 00:11:01,131 --> 00:11:02,443 Kids want separate celebrations. 246 00:11:02,443 --> 00:11:05,488 Either they want them because they look forward to having two parties 247 00:11:05,488 --> 00:11:08,158 or maybe it's unfamiliar to them and you have to introduce it to them, but 248 00:11:08,574 --> 00:11:11,818 each parent should be able to have their own party at their own time. 249 00:11:11,818 --> 00:11:13,168 And let's be real, okay? 250 00:11:13,494 --> 00:11:15,701 If your kid's birthday's on a Tuesday, you're not fucking 251 00:11:15,701 --> 00:11:17,271 celebrating on a Tuesday anyways. 252 00:11:17,271 --> 00:11:19,548 I mean, you're probably doing something small, but you're 253 00:11:19,548 --> 00:11:21,018 having the party on the weekend. 254 00:11:21,018 --> 00:11:24,718 So if you're in a divorce setting, your weekend, have the party. 255 00:11:24,718 --> 00:11:27,418 The following weekend when your ex has the kids, they can have the party. 256 00:11:27,448 --> 00:11:30,255 It doesn't have to be together, but I will tell you this, this is your 257 00:11:30,255 --> 00:11:31,755 little bit of tea in this episode. 258 00:11:32,074 --> 00:11:34,858 Always celebrate earlier than the birthday. 259 00:11:35,234 --> 00:11:36,645 Be the first birthday party. 260 00:11:36,645 --> 00:11:37,965 Be the first gift giver. 261 00:11:37,965 --> 00:11:38,715 Be the first. 262 00:11:38,715 --> 00:11:40,935 I'm telling you right now, high conflict people will ruin that 263 00:11:40,935 --> 00:11:42,735 shit as quick as they possibly can. 264 00:11:42,947 --> 00:11:46,545 So celebrate half birthday, celebrate the whole two weekends before. 265 00:11:46,545 --> 00:11:48,405 I don't care, but celebrate early, you've been warned. 266 00:11:48,647 --> 00:11:51,215 Number two, create new traditions. 267 00:11:51,583 --> 00:11:52,911 No more are we doing this big party. 268 00:11:52,911 --> 00:11:54,171 You've already heard my stint about that. 269 00:11:54,261 --> 00:11:57,321 These big fucking parties where you're spending hundreds of dollars 270 00:11:57,321 --> 00:12:01,234 on fucking cake and then decorations and then it's a baseball party. 271 00:12:01,234 --> 00:12:02,464 It's a trampoline party. 272 00:12:02,464 --> 00:12:04,204 It's a fucking ice skating rink part. 273 00:12:04,847 --> 00:12:09,077 You guys, just have your kids over play in the yard for free and have some 274 00:12:09,077 --> 00:12:13,157 cupcakes that are boxed from fucking Betty Crocker and be done with this shit. 275 00:12:13,435 --> 00:12:16,984 This over elaborate money spending spectacle, please, let's 276 00:12:16,984 --> 00:12:19,594 start a new tradition where we don't do that anymore, okay? 277 00:12:19,778 --> 00:12:20,884 Smaller, more intimate. 278 00:12:20,884 --> 00:12:23,524 Again, I let my kids have two kids over, and so far only one's 279 00:12:23,524 --> 00:12:26,794 RSVP'd, and we got a May birthday, and I ain't mad about it, okay? 280 00:12:26,881 --> 00:12:29,194 Maybe we go stay at night in a hotel, a cheap ass hotel. 281 00:12:29,194 --> 00:12:30,994 All your kids care about is a fucking pool anyways. 282 00:12:31,258 --> 00:12:33,277 Like, maybe you just stay home and do a scavenger hunt. 283 00:12:33,277 --> 00:12:35,137 That's what we do on birthdays to make it special. 284 00:12:35,331 --> 00:12:36,517 Maybe you have a yes day. 285 00:12:36,878 --> 00:12:42,604 All the ideas possible besides having this big, huge tension, oriented birthday. 286 00:12:42,818 --> 00:12:45,064 Like my mom called the other day and she said, "What are you doing for 287 00:12:45,064 --> 00:12:49,104 Augie's he's having one friend over I don't feel like I need to have 288 00:12:49,104 --> 00:12:51,264 this big 15 family members over. 289 00:12:51,271 --> 00:12:52,934 I just don't anymore. 290 00:12:53,080 --> 00:12:56,230 maybe that's wrong of me, but we live far away and I don't expect 291 00:12:56,260 --> 00:12:58,847 people to travel for four hours we're gonna see you in June. 292 00:12:58,847 --> 00:12:59,897 We can celebrate then. 293 00:12:59,947 --> 00:13:00,934 that's how I see that. 294 00:13:00,934 --> 00:13:02,434 So start your new traditions. 295 00:13:02,434 --> 00:13:07,590 Number three, do not, do not split the day. 296 00:13:08,054 --> 00:13:08,264 Okay? 297 00:13:08,264 --> 00:13:09,404 This is non-negotiable. 298 00:13:09,464 --> 00:13:11,934 If you follow me, then this is non-negotiable. 299 00:13:12,504 --> 00:13:15,084 All of you that are like, "I deserve to see my child on 300 00:13:15,084 --> 00:13:17,274 his parenting." No, you don't. 301 00:13:17,664 --> 00:13:18,684 You got divorced. 302 00:13:18,714 --> 00:13:19,674 No, you don't. 303 00:13:19,954 --> 00:13:22,974 That's reason number 723, why divorce sucks. 304 00:13:22,974 --> 00:13:25,014 You don't get to see your kid on major events. 305 00:13:25,350 --> 00:13:26,874 Birthday being one of them. 306 00:13:27,224 --> 00:13:30,114 But no kid wants to be like, " Oh, shit, it's three o'clock. 307 00:13:30,114 --> 00:13:31,884 I gotta go to the other house now." No. 308 00:13:32,177 --> 00:13:35,047 They want to enjoy their day, okay? 309 00:13:35,334 --> 00:13:36,084 They just want to enjoy their day. 310 00:13:36,114 --> 00:13:41,334 No bouncing around between houses because the adults in the conversation feel like 311 00:13:41,334 --> 00:13:43,834 it, they're, it's my right to see my kid. 312 00:13:44,102 --> 00:13:46,300 It's not your right when you sign the divorce papers. 313 00:13:46,600 --> 00:13:48,205 Sorry, you lost that right. 314 00:13:48,205 --> 00:13:50,680 It's whosever visitation day it is because I don't include 315 00:13:50,680 --> 00:13:51,580 these in my parenting plans. 316 00:13:51,580 --> 00:13:53,624 I mean, if you want to, we'll do it, but I'm telling you 317 00:13:53,624 --> 00:13:54,854 right now, it's a bad decision. 318 00:13:55,204 --> 00:13:57,484 It's a bad decision to include birthdays in your parenting plan. 319 00:13:57,754 --> 00:13:58,984 Just let it fall how it falls. 320 00:13:58,984 --> 00:14:01,384 Whoever has a child has a child, especially for all of you 321 00:14:01,384 --> 00:14:02,524 that have three plus children. 322 00:14:02,749 --> 00:14:05,960 You're changing the visitation schedule three plus times possibly. 323 00:14:05,990 --> 00:14:06,620 No, thank you. 324 00:14:07,009 --> 00:14:07,490 No, thank you. 325 00:14:07,490 --> 00:14:10,400 The kid just wants to enjoy the day and the whole day. 326 00:14:10,640 --> 00:14:11,330 And then you know what? 327 00:14:11,330 --> 00:14:14,090 A whole different day, they get to enjoy it all over again. 328 00:14:14,452 --> 00:14:15,194 Nobody cares. 329 00:14:15,194 --> 00:14:16,364 You're … I'm 47. 330 00:14:16,715 --> 00:14:17,727 I can't tell you. 331 00:14:18,129 --> 00:14:18,880 I can't tell you. 332 00:14:19,342 --> 00:14:22,807 Not one time if I celebrated my birthday on my birthday as a child. 333 00:14:23,205 --> 00:14:23,874 Couldn't tell you. 334 00:14:23,874 --> 00:14:24,894 You know what that tells me? 335 00:14:24,924 --> 00:14:28,794 It's not fucking important to celebrate on your child's actual day of birth. 336 00:14:29,032 --> 00:14:29,904 Can you remember? 337 00:14:30,174 --> 00:14:30,984 Ask yourself. 338 00:14:31,095 --> 00:14:33,354 The day you turned nine, who were you with? 339 00:14:33,629 --> 00:14:36,137 Was it the actual day or did you have your party on the weekend? 340 00:14:36,559 --> 00:14:38,490 And hell, what kid wouldn't love to have two parties? 341 00:14:38,640 --> 00:14:39,270 Good Lord. 342 00:14:39,535 --> 00:14:40,567 Two cakes, two parties? 343 00:14:40,567 --> 00:14:41,137 Come on. 344 00:14:41,429 --> 00:14:44,157 Number four, remove the pressure off the child and just make 345 00:14:44,157 --> 00:14:45,267 a plan for your own day. 346 00:14:45,662 --> 00:14:47,220 And you don't need to hear from the other parent. 347 00:14:47,615 --> 00:14:49,650 Kiddo, I'm sure you're doing something with your dad. 348 00:14:49,980 --> 00:14:50,820 We're doing this. 349 00:14:51,409 --> 00:14:52,920 I'm sure you're doing something with your mom. 350 00:14:53,225 --> 00:14:54,000 I'm sure there'll be something. 351 00:14:54,000 --> 00:14:55,170 Last year you went out with grandma. 352 00:14:55,440 --> 00:14:56,100 That's cool. 353 00:14:56,550 --> 00:15:00,900 You allow your child to have the best time with that other parent and you 354 00:15:00,900 --> 00:15:03,870 don't compare and you have the best time with your child during your time. 355 00:15:04,440 --> 00:15:05,670 This is not a race. 356 00:15:05,670 --> 00:15:06,930 This is not a competition. 357 00:15:06,930 --> 00:15:09,990 This is not a, " Oh my gosh, I have to do this. 358 00:15:09,990 --> 00:15:11,040 You have to do this. 359 00:15:11,110 --> 00:15:11,910 It's not. 360 00:15:11,940 --> 00:15:13,620 Remove the pressure from the child. 361 00:15:13,836 --> 00:15:15,690 It's not a, " What do you want to do? 362 00:15:15,930 --> 00:15:16,950 Hey, here are three ideas. 363 00:15:16,950 --> 00:15:17,880 Which one would you like? 364 00:15:18,249 --> 00:15:20,357 " They don't have to come up with something because a kid that knows 365 00:15:20,357 --> 00:15:24,054 you're poor doesn't wanna say, "Oh, I want a big, huge party," because 366 00:15:24,054 --> 00:15:25,044 they know you can't afford it. 367 00:15:25,339 --> 00:15:29,367 Right now, because this is your life right now, maybe you will later, remove the 368 00:15:29,367 --> 00:15:33,207 pressure of doing something non-expensive and just maybe you have a park, you go 369 00:15:33,207 --> 00:15:36,327 see seven parks that day and you just drive around to all the public parks in 370 00:15:36,327 --> 00:15:40,547 your neighboring towns and do a whole day of yeses of every park with snacks. 371 00:15:40,786 --> 00:15:41,944 And you just have snacks all day. 372 00:15:41,944 --> 00:15:45,994 It's a fucking free long, like, just snack day, no, no vegetable in sight. 373 00:15:46,399 --> 00:15:50,320 But take the pressure off your kid and give yourself peace too that you don't 374 00:15:50,320 --> 00:15:54,784 have to hit the mark of making it amazing. 375 00:15:55,196 --> 00:15:55,807 You don't. 376 00:15:55,927 --> 00:15:57,427 We all have those few birthdays. 377 00:15:57,427 --> 00:15:59,377 We're like, "Ooh, I do remember turning 12. 378 00:15:59,737 --> 00:16:02,547 Ooh, I do remember blah, blah, blah." But you don't have to 379 00:16:02,547 --> 00:16:04,317 make it this big, huge spectacle. 380 00:16:04,566 --> 00:16:08,834 Make it powerful in the way that you relate to the child, and that's it. 381 00:16:09,079 --> 00:16:12,510 Give yourself some grace that you're not gonna be able to do everything 382 00:16:12,510 --> 00:16:15,930 that that other parent can do because maybe they have bigger finances. 383 00:16:16,336 --> 00:16:16,920 Cool. 384 00:16:16,980 --> 00:16:17,940 Awesome for them. 385 00:16:18,294 --> 00:16:21,360 I'm not comparing myself because while they may be able to throw the big, 386 00:16:21,360 --> 00:16:24,330 huge, extravagant party because they have an extra dime in their pocket 387 00:16:24,330 --> 00:16:26,030 than I do, you know what I have? 388 00:16:26,030 --> 00:16:26,900 Intentionality. 389 00:16:27,116 --> 00:16:28,524 I know what size my child is. 390 00:16:28,524 --> 00:16:29,664 I know their favorite color. 391 00:16:29,664 --> 00:16:32,544 I know that thing that they've been walking around and looking at every 392 00:16:32,544 --> 00:16:33,864 single time they've been to Target. 393 00:16:34,112 --> 00:16:35,544 I know that special thing. 394 00:16:35,544 --> 00:16:37,674 I know that quote they've been looking forward to. 395 00:16:37,674 --> 00:16:39,594 I know that fingernail polish that they've been wanting. 396 00:16:39,836 --> 00:16:44,514 I know the detailed gift, small or big that they've been holding onto 397 00:16:44,514 --> 00:16:47,934 because I talked to my child, I'm with my child, I pay attention. 398 00:16:48,374 --> 00:16:52,897 Anybody can throw the party, guys, but who really knows the special thing your 399 00:16:52,897 --> 00:16:55,297 child wants to do or get on their day? 400 00:16:55,692 --> 00:16:58,617 Maybe that's superpower that you have with your child. 401 00:16:58,952 --> 00:16:59,367 All right? 402 00:16:59,502 --> 00:17:04,977 So jo- birthday parties sound like a great idea until all hell is broken loose and 403 00:17:04,977 --> 00:17:07,947 you're in World War III with your ex, and now it's written into your parenting 404 00:17:07,947 --> 00:17:11,187 plan and you're stuck together like peas and carrots and you don't want to. 405 00:17:11,757 --> 00:17:15,777 So don't create unnecessary stress or conflict or pressure on your child and 406 00:17:15,777 --> 00:17:20,037 just write in that birthdays will be separate during your own parenting time. 407 00:17:20,482 --> 00:17:24,910 So this is again, a reminder to let your child have a birthday that they 408 00:17:24,910 --> 00:17:31,210 want and not have to feel the divorce on their birthday by having tension or 409 00:17:31,210 --> 00:17:37,150 unnecessary switching or just forced togetherness that feels yucky and gross. 410 00:17:37,462 --> 00:17:42,160 Stay calm and just enjoy the celebration and do what's best for you and the child 411 00:17:42,160 --> 00:17:46,780 for your time and allow that other parent to do what they wish during their time.