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All right.

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Your ex just refuses to respond.

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No matter what you do,
there's just no response.

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It is one of the most frustrating
parts of co-parenting.

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You send a message, nothing comes back.

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No response, no decision, a literal
hold on your life or your child's

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life because they just can't lower
themselves to hit reply or respond.

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Sound familiar?

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Well, these are some tips and tricks
that are gonna help you establish a

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better boundary around communication.

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First and foremost, ground
rule from the get- go.

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We only communicate in writing.

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And this is where I see so many of you.

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First time divorcees, you're fresh
at it, you think everything's gonna

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be amicable and you're texting.

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Hell, I've seen some people snapping
each other and using all of these

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WhatsApp and all these things.

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I'm telling you right now, that's
gonna spiral out of control quicker

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than you can get ahold of it.

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So please stop talking on the
phone, stop talking face to face.

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And even if you do, I just want
you to recap it in writing.

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Okay?

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All of this, verbal communication, it
needs to be documented and recorded.

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I'm not saying go record it because please
attention to your state rules on third

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party recording, party to party recording.

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Know your state rules and regulations
around recording yourself and

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your ex. You've been warned.

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But the thing with communication is, you
know, I used to pull into my ex's house

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to drop my kids off and I'd be like, "Hey,
da, da, da, da, da, about vacation, you

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know, this or changing this or whatever."
He'd be like, "Hey, I hear you, but can

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you follow that up with an email?" Sure.

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And we would put it on an email because
that's how old we are that parenting

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apps did not exist when we got divorced.

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But yes, I think that's respectful.

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I shouldn't expect him to remember in
the driveway when he's excited to see the

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children to go all the way back in and
then be able to write down what I said.

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It's my responsibility
to communicate that.

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So that's first and foremost.

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But practical steps when they won't
respond is first and foremost,

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end with a clear question.

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I know you might have sent a dialogue
of information to them and the question

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was early on, but they're simple folk.

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Let's be real, okay?

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So let's not send a vague,
like, " Do you think he understood

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there was a question there?

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Do you think she'll get back to me?

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" Specifically, put the
question in bold at the end.

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" Please confirm that you agree that summer
camp is June 10th through the 14th.

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" You have to end with a question if
you want a response, because here's

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the thing, if your ex is following
me, I'm gonna tell them this.

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Never respond unless there's a question.

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That's just banter.

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That's just information.

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If you don't end with a question,
you're just stating facts and I'm

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just reading and I don't even have to
send back an okay because I can read.

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I absorbed and you got the receipt that
I got it because we're talking in an

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app or we're talking an email and you
know that I opened it, so it's done.

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So if you don't clearly put a
question and don't put like,

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" What do you think about camp?

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"Put a specific question like this
one gives right here. " Can you

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confirm that you agree about summer
camp June 10th through the 14th?"

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That is very clear and precise, okay?

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Number two, always include a deadline.

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Now, this isn't you being a bitch or
controlling or too detail oriented.

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This is business.

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We're in a business deal.

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Give a reasonable timeframe.

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If you could, please respond
back by Friday at 5:00 PM.

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Especially if this is what
your parenting plan says that

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they're supposed to be doing.

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And this is stuff that we put inside
of our parenting plan because we

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want consistency with communication.

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And so we will put, both parents have
to check their parenting app, blah,

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blah, blah, blah, and a response
is due back within so much time.

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Or what's allotted in the request,
which is by Friday at 5:00.

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Put a deadline.

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state what happens if they don't respond.

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So here's what I teach my clients,
is I'm gonna ask my ex something and

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I'm gonna say, "Hey, please cordially
respond by Friday at five, but if I don't

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hear back from you by then, I will go
ahead and enroll them." Now, what this

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does is most attorneys will say, "Sam,
that's you making you literal decision."

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No, it's not, Larry.

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I freaking asked him a week ago about it.

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He didn't respond.

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I asked him again with putting it
a deadline and he didn't respond.

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So then I said, "Hey, if you don't respond
by Friday at five, here's what I am

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doing." Now, he's had three opportunities
to respond to me about this summer camp.

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If he chooses to ignore all three
and not, he knew what I was gonna do.

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I was gonna enroll him.

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Notice my first email didn't
say, " I'm enrolling the kids in

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summer camp June 10th through the
14th." I didn't make a statement.

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That would be me making
a unilateral decision.

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But I've asked him three times and
he's a co-parent allegedly who checks

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his email and is a court ordered
to by his parenting plan allegedly.

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So that's measurable because those are
the details we should be putting in

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parenting plans, only things that are
measurable that I can enforce, not this

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vague stuff like check your parenting
app, that's not specific enough.

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So we're not putting that.

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We're putting something more specific.

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And this right here says, "Here's
what's gonna happen if you don't."

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But here's the deal, you guys,
you gotta follow through.

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You can't bluff.

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You have to say what you're gonna say.

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So if you say that you're gonna go
ahead and enroll them Friday at five,

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if you don't hear anything, do it.

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If they didn't respond, move on.

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You gave them notice, you gave them
time, you gave them opportunity,

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now it's time to make a decision.

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And all of that is documented.

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You'll be able to say, "I
reached out a week ago.

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I reached out on Monday.

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I reached out on Wednesday and I
didn't hear from him by Friday at 5:00.

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So I went ahead because here's
the deal that, again, judges and

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attorneys, when they write these
parenting plans, they don't understand.

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Kids shit happens fast, right?

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Monday, we get this freaking invite
for a camp and we have to have

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it turned in three days from now.

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And so we're like, Hey, can we the
kid in camp, blah, blah, blah, blah?

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Why am I just now hearing about this?

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'Cause I fucking just got the piece
of paper in the book bag today.

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I'm telling you as fast as I found out.

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Again, I'd love to go to schools and
coaches and all the extracurricular places

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and be like, look, divorcee, families
need a little bit more extra time.

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Could we put a little bit
more cushion on this, please?

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But again, I think this
is where practical use.

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Judge, there was a three-day turnaround.

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I had to make a choice.

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I didn't want our kid to miss out.

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Worst case, I paid for it.

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He wants to bitch and moan
about it so much, fine.

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Our kid won't do it, but I didn't
want to lose the opportunity to do it.

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All right?

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Again, if your ex is not responding,
document the no response.

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It seems to me you did not meet the
deadline of Friday by five, therefore

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I went ahead and enrolled the children.

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That's it.

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I'm not gonna ask for feedback because
we're past the point of feedback now.

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But I'm gonna keep record, I'm gonna
document it, and I'm gonna track the

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pattern of, oh, look, every time I ask
a question about summer, never responds.

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Never responds about kids, never
responds when there's a deadline.

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The other thing I want you to always
remember when communicating with

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your ex is to use the Bif method.

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Brief, informative, friendly, but firm.

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Again, this is a business deal.

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And so you are sending an email
and communication to someone

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that you are in business with.

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Co-parenting is a business that
we have to keep that mindset.

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How you act at your work is how
you act with your ex. You're not

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gonna go, "Well, I hope you don't.

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I hope you don't go to somebody
at work and just start cussing

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them out at their cubicle.

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I hope you just don't go light somebody up
on fire with, cuss words at work, right?

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So we don't do that to our ex.

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We're not emotional.

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We're not giving long explanations and
we're not arguing because we're at work.

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All right?

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And we got an HR department that
would be honest like stink on shit

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if we did and we'd lose our job.

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Well, the same thing is true here.

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You act like a fool, there's a chance you
could lose your co-parenting situation.

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So don't act a fool.

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Don't be the one that gives in and starts
going all ham in the inbox and sending

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the messages and being a fool, because
I'm gonna tell you, when you have to sit

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on the stand and read your own words out
loud when you are emotional and responding

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back, you're gonna be pretty humiliated.

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And you're gonna have some regret
and you're gonna have some hindsight

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that you wish you would've been more
business-like and more professional.

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Just because someone comes for
you in an inbox and a message or

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an OFW message doesn't mean you
have to respond back to that.

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So keep it business friendly always.

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Always.

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Okay?

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The last parts of this,
keep living your life.

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A lot of you in the messages
to me, you get so consumed when

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someone doesn't message you back.

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All right?

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And I get it.

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you're like, " Yeah, but
Sam, I, like, everything's

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paused until I hit a response.

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" No, it's not.

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And I'm gonna tell you
a little something here.

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When you're divorced and you have
all the piles of, things going on,

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you have four corners that you have
to take care of every single day.

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Corner one is you.

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Hygiene, you, making sure you function,
gratitude, sleep, food, pooping,

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all the things, you, your function.

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Number two, your kid.

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Your kid at your house.

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That's it.

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You, your kid.

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Their function, they're eating, they're
pooping, all the things, you're in charge.

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Box number three is your job.

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Your job still has to happen.

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Now, if that job is stay at home mom or
stay at home dad, then do that job well.

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Take care of the home.

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Take care of the things.

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Take care of your job.

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' Cause without job, a lot of the
other rooms are gonna be affected.

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A lot of the other
corners will be affected.

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But take care of that job.

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Work at your job when you are at your job.

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Now, the fourth corner is the shit storm.

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Is the journey.

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That is one corner of the room.

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And it can be the messiest corner.

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It can be the corner that has all
the dirty clothes, that has all the

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old food, it has wrappers, it has
just probably ants crawling on it.

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But the other three corners of
this room are fucking spotless.

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Okay?

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'Cause I take care of myself.

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And I take care of my child really well.

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And I got a really good job that
I, I might not like it, but I

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fucking make some decent money
and I work hard when I'm there.

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But you don't pause your life
because this one corner of and

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your ex is fucking up some things.

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That's gonna be the place where you
just kind of maybe, like, put a chair in

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front of it and hide it for a little bit.

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Then when you get home, you gotta
move the chair and you gotta

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tackle that corner a little bit.

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But we can't keep letting
the communication or lack

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thereof control everything.

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And here's what I mean by that.

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And hear me so clearly and take
some self-reflection moments here.

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Just because your ex doesn't respond
back to you in a lickety split, timely

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managed moment, because that's your
expectations of what you would do

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because you're Johnny on the fucking
spot and you respond back in 30 seconds

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or three minutes or less every time
they respond back to you and you're

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like, why can't they respond back to me?

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Because that's not who they are.

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That's not who they are.

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That's who you are.

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But here's what you end up doing
when they don't respond back to you.

233
00:10:01,976 --> 00:10:03,476
You spiral, man.

234
00:10:03,912 --> 00:10:05,052
You get tense.

235
00:10:05,572 --> 00:10:06,652
You get bitchy.

236
00:10:07,185 --> 00:10:09,225
You start, like, cutting off people.

237
00:10:09,408 --> 00:10:11,088
You're angry in traffic.

238
00:10:11,609 --> 00:10:13,259
You're sharp with your kids.

239
00:10:13,524 --> 00:10:15,144
You're miserable to be around.

240
00:10:15,486 --> 00:10:19,506
All because you can't figure out why
your ex isn't communicating back to you.

241
00:10:19,506 --> 00:10:25,132
And I'm gonna tell you from somebody
that did that for close to a decade,

242
00:10:25,662 --> 00:10:29,382
you are gonna kick yourself so bad
later when you come out of that

243
00:10:29,382 --> 00:10:34,473
spiral that you will let that one
corner disrupt the whole fucking room.

244
00:10:35,115 --> 00:10:38,505
And when you wake up and realize
that was just a corner of your life

245
00:10:38,505 --> 00:10:43,157
and you let it sabotage yourself,
your kids and your job, whew.

246
00:10:44,783 --> 00:10:47,870
Major regret, major, huge.

247
00:10:48,125 --> 00:10:49,955
You'll wanna fight
yourself, your former self.

248
00:10:49,955 --> 00:10:53,243
You'll be like, "Bitch, what were
you thinking?" But you get all in

249
00:10:53,243 --> 00:10:57,108
your feels and emotions because
old boy won't respond back to you.

250
00:10:57,294 --> 00:10:59,754
Old girl had you on
red for like four days.

251
00:11:00,141 --> 00:11:01,251
Let that be them.

252
00:11:01,503 --> 00:11:02,553
You know your plan.

253
00:11:02,733 --> 00:11:06,063
Ask a question, give a deadline,
here's what happens if you don't.

254
00:11:06,503 --> 00:11:09,552
And move the fuck on
with grace and knowing.

255
00:11:09,552 --> 00:11:10,332
I got it documented.

256
00:11:10,342 --> 00:11:11,152
I've asked you three times.

257
00:11:11,152 --> 00:11:11,812
You haven't responded.

258
00:11:11,812 --> 00:11:12,382
I moved on.

259
00:11:12,696 --> 00:11:13,926
Life is moving.

260
00:11:14,089 --> 00:11:15,559
Life is moving.

261
00:11:16,266 --> 00:11:21,998
You can't keep letting this  chaos
of one corner fuck you up.

262
00:11:22,950 --> 00:11:26,851
And a lot of you, me included, me
included, guys, I'm right here with you.

263
00:11:27,001 --> 00:11:29,041
Was, past tense, not anymore.

264
00:11:29,466 --> 00:11:30,816
You get all dysregulated.

265
00:11:30,934 --> 00:11:33,064
You get all angry and sharp.

266
00:11:33,064 --> 00:11:34,984
And when I say sharp, let's
just call it what it is.

267
00:11:34,984 --> 00:11:37,907
You're bitching and yelling at
your kids for no damn good reason.

268
00:11:38,537 --> 00:11:39,947
Because your ex won't respond.

269
00:11:40,475 --> 00:11:43,205
And you lose your shit over
the smallest things with your

270
00:11:43,205 --> 00:11:44,795
kids because you're on edge.

271
00:11:45,256 --> 00:11:46,246
Keep life moving.

272
00:11:46,426 --> 00:11:47,536
That's one corner.

273
00:11:48,028 --> 00:11:50,998
You got other three corners to worry
about and worry about them well.

274
00:11:51,455 --> 00:11:51,965
Last one.

275
00:11:52,415 --> 00:11:53,525
Keep your attorney in the loop.

276
00:11:53,801 --> 00:11:56,231
Now, I'm not saying give
them billable hours.

277
00:11:56,648 --> 00:11:59,764
But what I'm saying is once a
month, if your divorce is over,

278
00:11:59,764 --> 00:12:00,844
you don't have to do this.

279
00:12:01,051 --> 00:12:05,881
But biweekly or once a month, here is a
clear list, not long-winded, bulleted.

280
00:12:06,044 --> 00:12:09,451
Here's a clear list of
misresponses, ignored decisions

281
00:12:09,451 --> 00:12:10,921
and patterns of behavior.

282
00:12:11,372 --> 00:12:11,912
That's it.

283
00:12:12,056 --> 00:12:15,776
And I put at the bottom of my email
to my attorney, no reason to respond.

284
00:12:15,806 --> 00:12:18,596
This is for documentation purposes only.

285
00:12:18,718 --> 00:12:20,040
Means file that shit.

286
00:12:20,040 --> 00:12:20,670
Don't bill me.

287
00:12:21,098 --> 00:12:22,328
Don't bill me a response.

288
00:12:22,388 --> 00:12:23,939
Don't no, don't need your response.

289
00:12:23,939 --> 00:12:26,927
Just hold this in case
something more comes.

290
00:12:27,046 --> 00:12:30,196
That way, if his attorney calls you or
her attorney calls you, you can already

291
00:12:30,196 --> 00:12:34,424
look, "Oh, no, she asked you this, a
month ago. You didn't respond." Right?

292
00:12:34,872 --> 00:12:38,855
So the thing is, is no
response is a form of control.

293
00:12:39,339 --> 00:12:41,469
They're trying to control you.

294
00:12:42,107 --> 00:12:48,354
They're hoping that you wait,
get frustrated, give up, or the

295
00:12:48,354 --> 00:12:52,851
best one that I just got done
talking about, you overreact.

296
00:12:53,463 --> 00:12:54,303
You overreact.

297
00:12:54,967 --> 00:12:59,107
You lash out, you send the message, or
God forbid, you say something in front of

298
00:12:59,107 --> 00:13:00,637
your children that they find out about.

299
00:13:00,800 --> 00:13:04,270
Again, you guys can't cross the street
wrong without getting in trouble.

300
00:13:04,417 --> 00:13:05,377
And then you lash out.

301
00:13:05,450 --> 00:13:08,030
You might as well just give up your kids
now because they're gonna come for you.

302
00:13:08,561 --> 00:13:11,081
But that's part of the control
game, is they're trying to

303
00:13:11,081 --> 00:13:13,781
throw you off by not responding.

304
00:13:14,369 --> 00:13:15,749
Know what you're gonna do when they don't.

305
00:13:15,749 --> 00:13:16,799
That should be on your bingo card.

306
00:13:16,799 --> 00:13:19,082
And if you're new here, we
can talk about bingo cards in

307
00:13:19,082 --> 00:13:20,582
a whole episode if you wish.

308
00:13:20,769 --> 00:13:22,779
But we're not gonna lose our minds.

309
00:13:22,779 --> 00:13:24,429
We're not gonna overdo it.

310
00:13:24,519 --> 00:13:26,649
We're gonna stay structured and focused.

311
00:13:27,193 --> 00:13:27,673
All right?

312
00:13:28,448 --> 00:13:30,848
You don't need their
cooperation to move forward.

313
00:13:30,848 --> 00:13:34,358
You follow your parenting plan first
and foremost, which should have a

314
00:13:34,358 --> 00:13:38,388
clear communication paragraph telling
you that there are deadlines and

315
00:13:38,388 --> 00:13:40,758
that you will move forward if you
haven't heard from the other parent.

316
00:13:41,183 --> 00:13:45,132
And then you document  and you
just show up consistently, right?

317
00:13:45,305 --> 00:13:48,312
You just show up on the spot,
ready to go all the time.

318
00:13:48,834 --> 00:13:50,874
You follow through when
you're supposed to respond.

319
00:13:50,874 --> 00:13:54,154
If it's a 24-hour rule, 48 hours,
72 hour, once a week, whatever

320
00:13:54,154 --> 00:13:55,084
your parenting plan says.

321
00:13:55,329 --> 00:13:59,334
You do right, you're not in contempt, but
you have no control over the other side.

322
00:13:59,851 --> 00:14:03,331
But what we can't do is go to court every
time somebody doesn't respond back to us

323
00:14:03,331 --> 00:14:04,711
because we don't have that kind of money.

324
00:14:05,315 --> 00:14:08,975
What we will do is put it in the
way we ask the question, we give a

325
00:14:08,975 --> 00:14:12,539
deadline and we say, "Hey, you don't
respond back." Because here's the deal.

326
00:14:12,629 --> 00:14:14,969
If they want to take you to court
and say, "You can't do that.

327
00:14:15,092 --> 00:14:16,652
You made a decision without me.

328
00:14:16,809 --> 00:14:20,597
You got three emails and
you chose not to respond.

329
00:14:20,863 --> 00:14:25,390
And you also got told what will happen
if you didn't, and you still didn't

330
00:14:25,390 --> 00:14:28,530
respond until weeks later with a contempt.

331
00:14:28,830 --> 00:14:31,931
If you were this upset, you
should have responded back because

332
00:14:31,931 --> 00:14:33,221
you knew what I was gonna do.

333
00:14:33,513 --> 00:14:36,154
" And that's what I would tell a judge,
"Look, judge, things are coming to

334
00:14:36,154 --> 00:14:39,544
me left and right from this school,
from these sporting places, and

335
00:14:39,544 --> 00:14:41,044
all they keep doing is ignoring me.

336
00:14:41,755 --> 00:14:44,965
pattern here shows that I should
start making legal decision making

337
00:14:45,202 --> 00:14:46,735
because they don't wanna participate.

338
00:14:47,139 --> 00:14:49,089
They think silence is the golden rule.

339
00:14:49,323 --> 00:14:50,823
I'm gonna show that pattern.

340
00:14:51,071 --> 00:14:52,893
I'm not gonna say I'm better than them.

341
00:14:52,923 --> 00:14:56,643
I'm gonna say, look at the pattern
that I can show you of ignoring me,

342
00:14:56,643 --> 00:14:59,973
ignoring me, ignoring me, not even
acknowledging they got a message.

343
00:15:00,442 --> 00:15:02,647
Look at this pattern and
you think we can co-parent?

344
00:15:02,986 --> 00:15:05,626
We can't be on equal playing
fields of decision making because

345
00:15:05,626 --> 00:15:06,586
this is who I'm dealing with.

346
00:15:06,586 --> 00:15:09,911
Somebody that has ignored my
messages at a 73 in the last

347
00:15:09,911 --> 00:15:12,659
seven months, they've ignored 71.

348
00:15:12,946 --> 00:15:16,186
And I hate to tell you, but that is a
true statistic from one of my clients.

349
00:15:16,806 --> 00:15:22,601
Because he thought by saying no, or not
responding, that then that paralyzed

350
00:15:22,601 --> 00:15:23,831
her from being able to do anything.

351
00:15:24,128 --> 00:15:26,861
She went on and made decisions
because I was coaching her.

352
00:15:27,277 --> 00:15:30,367
And when it went to contempt and she
showed that pattern, a judge was like,

353
00:15:30,570 --> 00:15:32,370
" Were you even trying to work with her?

354
00:15:32,556 --> 00:15:33,786
What was she supposed to do?

355
00:15:33,786 --> 00:15:36,726
Not put the kids in anything forever
because you wanted to ignore her for

356
00:15:36,726 --> 00:15:39,623
seven months because you were butt hurt
about something else?" I mean, those

357
00:15:39,623 --> 00:15:42,533
aren't the true words the judge said,
but essentially that's what happened

358
00:15:43,088 --> 00:15:46,834
because she showed a pattern. She didn't
just walk in and say, "He ignores me.

359
00:15:46,974 --> 00:15:51,201
she said, "Here's a pattern of how
he ignores me and what it's about.

360
00:15:51,521 --> 00:15:55,445
When it's him reaching out to me about
something, I respond and he has no problem

361
00:15:55,445 --> 00:15:58,355
communicating, but if I reach out to
him, he ignores, here's the pattern.

362
00:15:58,855 --> 00:16:02,115
That speaks louder than just
claiming somebody to be mean

363
00:16:02,398 --> 00:16:03,748
or belligerent with something.

364
00:16:03,912 --> 00:16:06,662
Show the pattern and it'll work further.

365
00:16:06,835 --> 00:16:08,905
But follow these simple
tips with communication.

366
00:16:08,995 --> 00:16:10,315
First and foremost, get it in writing.

367
00:16:10,629 --> 00:16:11,529
Get it in writing.

368
00:16:11,529 --> 00:16:14,492
Stop verbally talking, but
if you do, follow it up.

369
00:16:14,522 --> 00:16:18,602
"Hey, we just had a conversation on
May 2nd at 2:00 PM in the driveway.

370
00:16:18,602 --> 00:16:21,388
Here are the three things that I
heard we discussed and agreed on.

371
00:16:21,688 --> 00:16:24,328
Please confirm back to me if
you heard something different.

372
00:16:25,356 --> 00:16:26,496
" I ended with a question.