00:00:00:03 - 00:00:23:18
Unknown
ADHD might be killing your sex life. Not only do we feel like we're failing all of our domestic chores, but then we feel like we're failing at sex and intimacy as well. Today, we are talking about the four big problems that come with ADHD, insects, and also the four big solutions. Welcome to late bloomers where we are getting our lives together.

00:00:23:20 - 00:00:55:24
Unknown
Eventually bought you by our amazing sponsor, Loop Earplugs. Oh, it's a sex episode. Do we need to say romance times around the episode or, like, not like social media? Okay. With sex? Yeah, I think so. We'll see. There's late bloomers. Look, it's always an interesting one to talk about. Funnily enough, when we've spoken about intimacy before, there's some of our most popular episodes.

00:00:55:24 - 00:01:21:02
Unknown
So obviously does come with a lot of shame, but also a lot of desire to know more about it. Yeah, definitely. It's something that we have struggled with and had so many combos about. Yeah, I really bit of a better place now. We are so long may it continue. We'll we're going to share that bedroom wisdom. But I guess let's start with what goes wrong.

00:01:21:07 - 00:01:51:09
Unknown
Sure. Yeah. We're going to talk about the problems that ADHD can cause to block intimacy in a relationship. And then we're going to come with the solutions. Okay. So I've got four problems. And we've called this episode Chalk Assam. I like that. Yeah it's basically chores getting in the way of your pleasure. Yeah. Okay. Okay. Problem number one, it is the shame problem.

00:01:51:14 - 00:02:22:03
Unknown
Yeah. When you have ADHD, your house and your bedroom can become a source of shame, not a place of pleasure. So I can look at the house and just see my constant failure as being an adult woman. Yeah. Constantly not living up to standards, constantly behind even the bedroom itself. Closed everywhere. We haven't changed the sheets in weeks.

00:02:22:05 - 00:02:53:12
Unknown
So rather than looking at somewhere where I want to, like, relax and get funky, I'm just seeing my own failure reflected back to me and it makes me feel ashamed and actually feeling shame and feeling sexy. Never, ever, ever go hand in hand. Yeah. I mean, shame, as we know, is probably one of the most powerful negative emotions that can impact probably every aspect of life, right?

00:02:53:13 - 00:03:21:11
Unknown
But if you think about some of the emotions that you would need to feel to enjoy romance time, you'd need to be confident, calm, all of those things that like literally shame has the opposite effect of so it would shatter your confidence. Like, yeah, I guess it must be tough. You're not going to start. You're not going to start the process.

00:03:21:12 - 00:03:59:13
Unknown
You're not going to feel like wanting to do it. If you can't do the dishwasher, can't even look at the bedroom or go into your bathroom because you're just confronted with your own failure when you feel like you're failing all the time. There's just no way to access that fun freedom flirtation that you're going to need. It's interesting, though, because, you know, it's a bit of a cliche, but obviously if you go to a hotel or you're on holiday, often people will find it easier to access, but sexuality 100%.

00:03:59:14 - 00:04:18:16
Unknown
Yeah. You know, part of that is the kind of novelty seeking. You're somewhere new. But I wonder if there's a huge element that, like, you're not being faced with the reminders of your failure. You are somewhere else. So you're able to kind of access that part of yourself. Well, I guess as well that it like it progresses into something bigger.

00:04:18:16 - 00:04:42:23
Unknown
So like it will start off with shame around chores and housework and adulting and stuff like that. And then you're obviously not in the mood for it, and then you don't do it, and then it probably shame comes into or I'm not even doing that. Right. So you don't have sex because you're feeling ashamed about the state of your house, and then you start feeling shame about not having sex.

00:04:42:23 - 00:05:03:14
Unknown
So you are literally like walking. Shame on legs. No wonder your sex life isn't like rocking it for you. Yeah. By the way, we're going to come up with the fixes in the second half. Oh yeah, we we're bringing fix. It's going to be a little down in the dumps, and then we're gonna take you to cloud nine.

00:05:03:16 - 00:05:38:14
Unknown
Okay. So the second problem is the brain problem. And this is that the ADHD brain never turns off. It is constantly going. It's why ADHD is can struggle to get to sleep. Or if they wake up in the night to get back to sleep. The minute your brain is switched on, you're thinking of a million things and someone without ADHD you might be able to, like, finish the day's work and then relax.

00:05:38:16 - 00:06:06:11
Unknown
It just doesn't work like that. It's constantly going from the minute you wake up to the moment you go to bed. Your brain is active and it might not only be with bad things, it might also be creativity. Thinking about things work for me writing songs, daydreaming. But your brain is constantly getting in the way of like being present for like real world activities.

00:06:06:15 - 00:06:28:24
Unknown
Well, yeah, you've always said as well that your brain always takes you to the things that you're not meant to be doing. Like if you were, if this is the task, your brain would be like, no, this is more fun over here. So I guess if you linked in with the shame, if it's something that you feel you need to do, your brain will be like, oh, let me, let me research this holiday instead.

00:06:29:00 - 00:06:56:20
Unknown
Like, the brain is almost like an avoidance mechanism. Always jump into the thing it's trying to avoid, but effectively being like a walking undone to do list is not a very sexy place to be. Yeah, if you're just like, manically thinking about what you haven't done, what you need to do, your next business idea, how do you access yourself in that moment?

00:06:56:20 - 00:07:23:23
Unknown
And it does make me think about my history of, like, substance taking. Yeah. And actually, that was some of the only times my brain would be quiet. Yeah, I think so many ADHD is have probably done that like you substances without even realized like self-medicate the overactive brain. This is like ADHD in a nutshell, right? Like, even if I think about kids in school, it's like trouble concentrating.

00:07:23:23 - 00:07:47:17
Unknown
And this is the same thing we're talking about brain taking you away from what you're or what you even want to concentrate. So this isn't like a always oh, this is this, this thing over here is more fun. So my brain's going to take me there, even if you want to be doing it, your brain works against you and be like, no, I'm going to take you over here.

00:07:47:17 - 00:08:07:14
Unknown
And you're like, no, stay here. And you're like, no, I'm coming over here. You're either coming with me or you're going to dissociate. That's it. And actually, when it comes to sex, the majority of people in long term relationships want to be having sex. They want that connection. They want that pleasure. And yet there's things getting in the way.

00:08:07:16 - 00:08:39:08
Unknown
Okay. Problem number three is the energy problem. So ADHD I really believe is like an energy disorder. You spend energy too much energy on things that aren't meant to take up that much energy, and it just drains you. Often people kind of talk about it as the spoons that they've got and things like that. Waking up in the morning and getting out of bed, it's like you have this energy bar.

00:08:39:09 - 00:09:08:03
Unknown
Yeah. Immediately drained. You clean your teeth down, you take a shower down, you make breakfast for yourself. You're almost out. It's like you have a really limited amount of energy. Now, if you're doing something, you're obsessed with something new, as something novel. Spending money, maybe you're traveling. There's a lot of novelty. It won't impact you. But we're talking about living at home and trying to have a happy sex life.

00:09:08:05 - 00:09:32:07
Unknown
You're draining your energy from like, the moment you wake up and get out of bed and kind of join polite society. We're often also masking anytime we leave the house or do a work phone call. We're dealing with executive dysfunction, so cleaning the kitchen might only be a five minute task, but it can wipe you out like you see me after doing small cleans.

00:09:32:08 - 00:10:03:07
Unknown
Yeah, have to go and sit down. I'm completely drained of energy. It is. It is something I've noticed. It's always mental toll that drains your energy rather than physical. Like if you go to CrossFit, by the way, which arguably is like the most physical thing that we can do, you get energy. You also mentioned some of the creative, some of the things you love doing that can be objectively quite like physical activities, but they give you energy.

00:10:03:07 - 00:10:33:00
Unknown
So it's always like the mental toe are things that you would potentially struggle with, like cleaning your teeth, showering all of those things tidy in the kitchen. You haven't said one thing in that list that you enjoy doing because they give you shouldn't that so crazy what a core part of ADHD. Things you enjoy give you energy. Things that you don't decrease your energy so quickly they drain you even though it's a mental load.

00:10:33:02 - 00:11:00:18
Unknown
So cleaning the kitchen or doing emails, it's a mental barrier. The exhaustion is physical. Yeah. And I don't it doesn't make sense. Whereas doing CrossFit or going to play a big gig that should be physically draining actually becomes energizing. I, I can really relate to that as well, though. I think when you're mentally done, it sort of manifests, manifests itself in the body.

00:11:00:19 - 00:11:38:22
Unknown
It's like all you want to do is just sit down and not talk to anyone. But with ADHD, your energy is drained by the demands of daily life. Just having to take care of basic needs. Eat, walk the dog, not live in a complete pigsty. But this is why it could look strange in relationships. If you've got an ADHD person and a non ADHD person, because the stuff that drains your energy is stuff that can be considered easy, simple that people like do on autopilot, that you have to really engage your brain and it depletes it.

00:11:38:22 - 00:12:06:13
Unknown
So like you could say, I'm drained and somebody could be like, you haven't done anything. What are you talking about? I know it's it's crazy, but that is such a core part of it. So if your daily life basic tasks are draining and that's happening every day at home, we're often going to bed just knackered from basic tasks overthinking, masking, showing up, parenting, dog parenting, whatever.

00:12:06:14 - 00:12:37:24
Unknown
Like there's nothing left in the tank. Do you know what I mean? I do not, you mean. Okay. And problem number four is the resentment problem between the partners. So I know that my the way I deal with clothes in our bedroom causes an issue for you. I know that, yeah, we've semi round about it. It's been with us for six years.

00:12:38:00 - 00:13:11:12
Unknown
Like it's the one area like we haven't quite like got through. Yeah. And it brings this other element to your relationship that you're dealing with. So I know that you can feel unsupported because you do all of the laundry and then I'm leaving clothes out. It just it just feels like I'm making things harder. And even though, you know, I'm not doing it on purpose, it does feel like that.

00:13:11:13 - 00:13:47:15
Unknown
So you feel like alone. I can tell that. Of course, I'm then like Queen, feeling shamed, feeling criticized, feeling like I used to feel when I was a kid. Getting shame for stuff that I was trying to like, not mess up. Yep. So you end up with this, like, gap between you of resentment, almost like you resent me for being messy, and I resent you for resenting me being messy.

00:13:47:15 - 00:14:13:05
Unknown
And it's and it can just grow legs, can't it? And get in the way. It's really valid. And actually, I think a really important part and subject that we discuss, because obviously we talk about a lot about your ADHD and how people work together and stuff like that. But also the other person is also human and emotions valid and how they feel valid.

00:14:13:05 - 00:14:50:10
Unknown
So whether you're doing it on purpose or not doesn't always matter. Like it's still going to impact the other person in the relationship and in turn impact how that other person feels about said ADHD person. So yeah, that one's that one's big. So just that general resentment that is often there within and ADHD non ADHD relationship will sort of drive a wedge between intimacy because there's nobody then wants to flirt or make people feel special, have a kiss and a cuddle or those things that need to start things off.

00:14:50:12 - 00:15:26:05
Unknown
Well, we've said right overtly, we can see and understand how and why ADHD could end relationships. So as part of that, this this might be step one. Like some of the things that ADHD causes can first probably impact sex life and then ultimately could end up wrecking relationships. We've had so many people either comment or email us or stop us on the street and say, my marriage ended because of this, and I didn't know.

00:15:26:11 - 00:15:51:24
Unknown
Yeah, I didn't know he was ADHD, I blamed him, we argued, and I'd do it differently. And that breaks my heart because there is a way to get through it. There is a way to solve all of these problems. They never go away. But you, you become on the same team. Yep. And yeah, just the thought of like, laundry ending a marriage.

00:15:52:01 - 00:16:18:23
Unknown
I can see how it can happen, but it doesn't need to happen. And we are going to get to the solutions. But very quickly. A word from our sponsor. We are so happy here at Late Bloomers to be sponsored by one of our favorite brands out there, which is the amazing Loop earplugs. There are loop earplugs for every occasion, whether you are taking a nap, going to a restaurant, or even going to a loud rock concert.

00:16:18:24 - 00:16:42:15
Unknown
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00:16:42:16 - 00:17:03:03
Unknown
Okay, you're ready for some fixes. I mean, we've had all the problems. So yes, I would like the fixes. Hopefully people have stayed for this bit of ways. They haven't left. They would have just listened to the first half of the podcast and left in a depressive state. I'm never going to have sex again. Okay, so these are all quite simple.

00:17:03:03 - 00:17:43:12
Unknown
They have to be simple, otherwise they wouldn't wouldn't get done, but were worth talking about. So first point about the shame is together. Really having that open conversation about you don't have to be perfect to deserve pleasure. So like part of this is right, this shame thing, oh God, in any aspect of life. But certainly here shame will lead you to believe that you're not deserving of pleasure or a healthy sex life, or even happiness, or success in work, or success in lead partnerships.

00:17:43:12 - 00:18:18:07
Unknown
Whatever it is, it will lead you to believe and damage your self-esteem. And anyone with low self-esteem isn't going to be wanting to, like, leap into the bedroom. God, it's so confronting because I think I I'm getting better, but I still struggle with it, that I don't deserve pleasure because I'm not a good enough adult. Like pleasure has to be earnt by achieving certain basic things.

00:18:18:10 - 00:18:46:13
Unknown
Yeah, being on top of the cleaning or the finances or my own self-care. And if I haven't ticked all those boxes, I don't get to access that place. Yeah. So it's weird. It's almost used as a punishment. Like a self punishment because I'm failing, because I'm awful, because I'm a bad adult. I'm going to self-publish and exclude myself out of fun activities.

00:18:46:14 - 00:19:07:08
Unknown
Yeah. The other thing that you can do as part of this is, you know, we're talking about shame about housework and stuff like that. And if I'm not on top of everything, then I don't deserve it. Well, with respect you, I'll talk about you. But you could probably broadly say everyone with ADHD, you're never going to be on top of all of your housework.

00:19:07:08 - 00:19:34:10
Unknown
So maybe just pick like for us, it happens in the bedroom, right? We like we don't like having sex in a bedroom that's really untidy. So make that a team activity so there's no shame behind it. It's like, let's let's work together and clean this bedroom, tidy this bedroom, make it like a central haven together. There candles. But Verona.

00:19:34:11 - 00:19:53:02
Unknown
That's it going on. And that's what we do now. And that has been like a real game changer. Like just having the bedroom nice and doing it together. So look, at the end of the day, you don't need to be on top of all, your house will have to be on top of your partner. Sorry I couldn't. Oh my God.

00:19:53:08 - 00:20:16:07
Unknown
But listen, listen, I can now almost separate out all of the many ways of which I'm behind, and we can do a little clean of the bedroom together, and then I can go and have a bath, like. And if that one room is, like, lovely and nice, it's like enough. It's enough to leave the shame at the door and you have to practice.

00:20:16:08 - 00:20:41:00
Unknown
You have to try, you have to make an effort and you have to do it together. Well, you've picked up on a couple of things that segways perfectly into my second fix. Oh, come on then, which is the brain fix now. Disclaimer anyone who tries to fix quotation marks an ADHD brain will fail. Yeah, nothing wrong with it.

00:20:41:00 - 00:21:25:12
Unknown
It's just different. No, but to help with this particular situation, what we found is having a clear transition between where you are now, where we want to be in a few minutes or an hour. I think it's more time. Like, for me, I need our couple of hours. Yeah. Transition time. Yeah. And some of the things that we do that can be baths, it can be getting the room ready between where it is now to where you want it to like look like it can even be like a walk.

00:21:25:18 - 00:21:44:19
Unknown
So you wouldn't be able to get off a call, for example, or a meeting and then jump in the bed like it wouldn't. It wouldn't happen. You need to do something to quiet the mind down first. It's like this time stamp of like, right, time to stop thinking about all this rubbish and like, get back into real life.

00:21:44:22 - 00:22:08:18
Unknown
And, you know, people that do date nights, that's what you're doing. You're being like, really intentional about time together. Enjoyment and pleasure don't always have time to do that or finances or want to do that. So yeah, let's go for a walk at the end of the day, talk things through, start having fun like relax, get more present.

00:22:08:24 - 00:22:35:20
Unknown
A huge one for me is just a bath. Yeah, I can go and have a really long relaxing bath with candles. You know, I might be washing my hair or like having a little full body shave up. You're sort of like bringing yourself back into the moment and away from your to do list, your phone, your emails, like, oh, I've got a question about the bath, actually, because I know that it really works for you.

00:22:35:22 - 00:23:01:21
Unknown
But it's not just in this topic. So you will use a bath to transition into many things. So like the question that I've got is you will go to the bath to transition to romance time, but you'll also go to the bath to transition from getting out of bed to work time. So like what? What activity in the bath do you do that's like different to prepare yourself for what's next.

00:23:01:21 - 00:23:30:10
Unknown
So it's just my safe space. If I've had a tough day on a bath, if I'm going to have a tough day before I go and have a bath, transitioning into intimacy bath, it's somewhere where I regulate. I can listen to podcasts, I can put music on, I'm drinking water. So I'm like hydrating. I've got candles. It's it's like a sensory pleasure zone for me that can just really help me to move into the next thing.

00:23:30:12 - 00:23:50:00
Unknown
Yeah, I just, I love it so much. I always struggled so much with being on top of baths and showers and then I, I made this bathroom like my perfect. It's only like a little room. It's a tiny bath, but I made it my perfect little room and I just, I don't know, I just I just love it.

00:23:50:00 - 00:24:19:24
Unknown
And it's an important part of our transition time into said activities. Surprisingly as well, it's the only room in the house that you don't struggle to keep tidy. Maybe it's not surprising. Okay, next is energy. Now, this one is quite interesting because we've already talked about some of the things that deplete your energy. And I guess, quite simply, it's trying to avoid those things.

00:24:20:01 - 00:24:59:02
Unknown
If you want romance, time or sex on the cards later that day. Now, I know, I know, this is maybe an unsexy thing to say, but I'm autistic and I like planning things. And no, you can't always plan this particular thing, but I, I like to like I know spontaneity is something that's quite romantic and stuff, but what I do know is that if it's something that we're going to do, that is going to bring you loads of energy and joy, that's probably a good day to like, make the effort for romance time.

00:24:59:03 - 00:25:24:14
Unknown
That's so true. If we've got a day of cleaning and filming, maybe, maybe avoid that day because you're going to be knackered. At the end of the day, you'll just want to scroll your phone and consume reels and social media. But if it's a day that we're doing something fun, like that's why go into a hotel is like, it's an instant tick because it's like you're not going to be knackered.

00:25:24:14 - 00:26:01:09
Unknown
You're going to be like excited and novelty, newness, clean room. It kind of ticks all the boxes. I love that it's almost like looking at your ADHD partner, not in terms of how much time they've got, about how much energy they've got and like, what have they done that day? And obviously I can take control over my day and being like, all of this is going to drain me, or what can I do to like regenerate some energy doing something fun or as simple as a walk reading your favorite book?

00:26:01:11 - 00:26:19:00
Unknown
Like what are you giggling to make me smile? I didn't, I didn't think about this, but it's just popped into my head like, you know, like I sometimes will negotiate with you in like, do you want to do the dishwasher or the laundry? And I know that's a bit of a hack for you. You saying you could take control?

00:26:19:02 - 00:26:48:00
Unknown
And I'd be like, well, we need to do the washing and stuff. And you'd be like, well. Here's, here's a proposition for you. You do that and we'll have a bit of sexy time later. It's that trippy all over the laundry. Is that a trade I can make? Absolutely. By the way, I feel like, you know, disclaimer we're not advising using it as a currency, using it as a currency, however.

00:26:48:02 - 00:27:12:22
Unknown
But that's happy consenting. Yes. I didn't know I could do that. Cool. So I like never have to. Cool. Yeah. So we're going back to the point in hand. We're talking about preserving your energy. So if you can take control over that, then you will have far more chance of it going. Well. Yeah I love that. Right. Resentment.

00:27:12:23 - 00:27:42:24
Unknown
The resentment fits. So you talked about your clothes is a good example. And it is something that causes friction with with us. And this is the same messaging that we have given everyone all of the time about ADHD, about living with ADHD in any aspects of life. And this is just a mindset shift. So does rocks close on the floor piss me off?

00:27:43:04 - 00:28:23:18
Unknown
Yes it does, and I'm allowed to be annoyed. Now. The difference is I'm not a lot. I'm not annoyed at rocks as a human being. I'm annoyed about her ADHD and so is she. Like we're both annoyed, which puts us on the same team. So although I'm annoyed and it sometimes maybe can best at being against you, more often than not, it won't be an eye roll, or a shout or a nag or whatever negative way you want to put it.

00:28:23:19 - 00:28:52:11
Unknown
It will be like babe. This is how it's making me feel. Can we work together to do it? And we always do. Like always. And this is so important to say. Helping your ADHD partner with the laundry or with the cleaning is sexy to them because they're being seen. They're being helped. They're being supportive. I know folding socks doesn't sound sexy, but truly it is.

00:28:52:13 - 00:29:20:23
Unknown
We're so used to being shamed, judged, seen as lazy, or making an excuse that when another human being sees you as struggling genuinely and offers to come and help you, it is like such an act of love and intimacy that it breeds connection. Yeah, it's like slightly odd thinking because you don't think about that as like, yeah, an intimacy act or a foreplay.

00:29:20:23 - 00:29:49:01
Unknown
But but it is because it's, it's seeing someone as a whole human being. It's believing them that they really are struggling. It's then helping them to like the way that you treat me. Cause sometimes I piss you off. That's going to happen. You do to me, of course, but on the whole, the majority of the time we treat every problem in our relationship is something to tackle together.

00:29:49:01 - 00:30:24:05
Unknown
It's not you versus me, it's you and me versus the problem, let's say the laundry or the cleaning. And doing it together makes you bond as a team, which makes intimacy easier. Yeah. And I think what's important that you said, it's about seeing the struggles of the person with ADHD and working together, it's not helping them, isn't translated to do it all for them, because that will only further exacerbate resentment.

00:30:24:05 - 00:30:44:24
Unknown
It's about, hey, this is really annoying me. I know you find it difficult, how can I help? And that could be body double and that could be all sorts of different ways. What it isn't is just doing it for them because they struggle. Because no matter how understanding you are, that will only build the resentment up more. Yeah.

00:30:44:24 - 00:31:08:07
Unknown
And that's not a healthy adult dynamic. And also if you're thinking of treating kids the same way, then the kid never learns like it's about recognizing someone struggling and then helping them to do it. And that sometimes is as simple as you sit in with me while we fold socks. Yeah, but it means a hell of a lot to me when all that happens.

00:31:08:08 - 00:31:35:21
Unknown
Listening to your latest business idea whilst you fold the laundry, like giving you that space to chat through your next idea whilst pair in socks and all of a sudden it's like you've done this whole thing and you're like, wow, I didn't even realize I was doing it. So yeah, those are the ways ADHD gets in the way, and I think it's so important we talk about it because take someone that doesn't know or doesn't think about this stuff.

00:31:35:23 - 00:32:03:01
Unknown
Their normal day is feeling ashamed that the house is messy and not living up to standards. They're feeling drained of energy because they're masking. They've got an endless to do list. They're never on top of it. They're constantly thinking, what's the third one? So the brain is always on the go, never stopping, never giving them a moment to be in their body.

00:32:03:04 - 00:32:32:01
Unknown
And there's probably a secret resentment between them and their partner is like, I'm broken. So all lead into life is rubbish. I'm broken, I'm naked. I'm not sexy. Guess what? You ain't gonna have a rockin sex life. But you put all of these on the table. You talk about all of these things. You know, ultimately, this is about self-compassion, transition times, asking for help, supporting each other.

00:32:32:05 - 00:32:47:23
Unknown
And it just it changes the game, doesn't it? It does. It changes the game. Thanks so much. I love a man that can talk about sexual intimacy. There you go. Well done. You oh done us. And you're doing all the laundry later.

00:32:48:00 - 00:32:57:09
Unknown
This has been the Late Bloomers podcast. We hope you've enjoyed it. If you have, give us a like a follow a subscribe and all that jazz. And as ever, we will see you next week.