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So this is a mistake I see a lot
of clients make who, I'm just

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gonna say it, don't have the
best attorney representing them.

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And a lot of clients will walk into
court thinking they're gonna use the

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words high conflict and label their ex
in an attempt to beat them in court.

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And I can't disagree
with this strategy more.

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I think it's crazy.

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I think it's dangerous, but walking
into court and saying your ex's high

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conflict is one of the fastest ways
to lose credibility because the court

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isn't here to hear your opinion.

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They're here to see the evidence.

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And so that's what we're gonna talk about
today, some of the biggest mistakes.

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And right from the beginning, I
have clients who, you know, will

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talk to their attorneys how they
would a friend or just anybody.

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And so when you're talking
to your attorney and you're

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like, "Oh, my ex is an asshole.

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She's a crazy bitch.

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You know, she's a narcissist.

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He's impossible to deal with.

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" Those are things you say to your attorney,
but you do not say those in court

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because those are all opinion pieces.

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You may think they're an asshole, but
maybe they're an upstanding citizen.

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They just don't like you and
so you two don't get along.

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and for you to say they're a
narcissist, well, you're not a doctor.

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So you really aren't able
to say those things, right?

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And so it's impossible to work with this
person, but yet they can bring in six

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witnesses to say they're great at their
job and they work well with others.

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to say stuff like, "Well, she never
communicates." Well, that's very broad and

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basic, but you gotta talk about, "Well,
what is she not communicating about?

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" So all of these fail
because they're emotional.

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They're not factual.

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It puts the level of conflict just as
much on you as it does them because

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you're just there labeling them.

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And the judge hears this shit
all day long, to be honest.

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So it doesn't kind of stand out.

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It just kind of just, like, here's
another person up on the stand labeling

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their ex as this, this and this without
any proof or any pattern showing.

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So this is the shift that needs to happen.

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You're not up there to describe your ex.

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You're up there to demonstrate
their behaviors over time.

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So stop saying it and start showing it.

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That's how your attorney
should be coaching you.

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And if your attorney is not
coaching you on how to speak in

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court on the stand, well, I'm
gonna give you an episode for that.

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It's coming up.

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All right?

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So the tactical thing to do is to reframe
what it is you're complaining about or

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the thing that you're wanting to show
or the label you're wanting to give.

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We have to reframe it into
tangible, measurable things.

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Tori, I can see, wow, those
numbers are staggering.

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Those numbers are atrocious.

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Those numbers and those things are just,
"Wow, I am impressed that this person is

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such a piece of shit." And that judge can
take their own label by hearing the data

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that you give them behind a statement.

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So here's where people go wrong.

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They'll make a statement like, "He's
always late." You'll get on the stand,

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you're like, " Always late, never on
time, can't account for him, always

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15 minutes here and there." Okay,
well, that sounds a lot like bitching.

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And while it may be true, have you
tracked it and are able to prove it?

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So instead, I would say something like
this, and this is what I recommend

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to all of my clients, is to make sure
it's tangible, measurable, right?

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Out of the past 30 exchanges for this
court date, he was late 18 times, ranging

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anywhere from 10 minutes to 45 minutes.

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So out of the 18 times late, six
of them were over 45 minutes late.

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So this isn't me just getting on the
stand being like, "Oh, he's always fucking

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late." It's in 30, just 30 exchanges.

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Now, Judge, we've had 120, but
I just took the most recent 30.

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And out of those 30, over half
of them, 18 of them, he was late.

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Those are numbers that my judge can
write down listening to my case,

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because if you're new here, judges
hear your case, but then don't

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determine them the findings until
maybe 30, 60, sometimes 90 days later.

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So if they just write down, mother
complained he was late and he reads

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that 60 days from now, is he gonna
be like, "Oh wow, it's not that big a

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deal. Maybe he's five minutes late."
But if you give them data supporting

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that, that's easier to write down or
show in evidence in a spreadsheet.

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Next one, she doesn't communicate.

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Okay, well, that sounds
like a you problem.

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Judges hear this all the time.

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"Oh, this person's being
accused of not communicating.

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" But instead I'd say something like,
" Out of 22 messages regarding the

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children, 14 received no responses.

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" What?

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14 times they did not respond about
the children, but yet they're sitting

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over here saying they want joint,
they want fifty fifty, they want full

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custody, whatever they're saying,
but yet they can't communicate.

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So already we've had a comment
about being late, we've had a

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comment about communication.

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Here's another example of where
parents get it wrong and attorneys

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don't coach you the right way.

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He talks badly about me all the time.

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Now my first question would be
as a judge, how do you know that?

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Right?

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How do you know that?

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But instead, I can say in three week
period, there's been 27 messages

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containing insults or profanity,
and I have them here highlighted.

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What?

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In just three weeks, he's called you 27
bad names and they're all highlighted.

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And a little side note, what I would
do if I was your attorney is I would,

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when your ex is on the stand, I
would have them read those out loud.

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That's what I would do.

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I would have them read that out loud.

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The next one, she doesn't show up.

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Okay, well, was it one time?

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Was it seven times?

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Doesn't show up for the kids.

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She never comes to anything.

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Okay, well, is that your
opinion out of how many things?

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Instead, I would have my client say
something like, " They've missed

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five school events, three medical
appointments, and two scheduled

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visitations just in the past 60 days.

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" Again, I want to make sure that I'm
showing data behind my accusations.

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The last one, just as an
example, he doesn't pay.

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Instead of saying that, I have to
break down what is he not paying

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for, and is he court ordered to?

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That would be my first question.

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Currently $2,400 behind in copays
and school-related expenses

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just in the last four months.

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So again, I don't need to put all
of these labels on my ex. I want

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to give evidence that the judge is
gonna smack that label on themselves.

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Wow.

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Doesn't pay, doesn't show up, always
not communicating, late to a visit.

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Those are tangible.

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Plus I can prove all of the things
I said with documentation, which

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can be part of my case as evidence.

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So why do patterns win in court?

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It's simple.

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Judges look for consistency,
not an isolated incident.

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And this is where I have a lot of
clients who will say," Yeah, Sam, but

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three years ago, X, Y, and Z happened.

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00:07:04,918 --> 00:07:06,858
Sam, six months ago, this happened.

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00:07:07,151 --> 00:07:08,415
Okay, well, have they done it again?

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" Because here's how a judge
is gonna look at that.

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And again, I need you to always remember,
a judge hears this shit every single day,

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and not that he should be categorizing
your case against another case, but

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instinctively, he might say," Oh gosh,
this case is so much easier than the

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one I just got out of this morning.

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" So you have to show that your ex isn't
just having a bad human moment, that

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this is a repeated, bad pattern behavior,
and that the pattern shows that the

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decision that this is who they wanna be.

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They wanna be somebody that's always late.

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They wanna be somebody
that doesn't show up.

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They wanna be somebody that
doesn't pay because I've shown

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a pattern of their behavior.

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And I'm just, I gotta repeat this.

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So many of you think this one incident
that happened, and I don't care how

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bad it is, you think this one incident
is going to help make your case.

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And I just have to tell you, from
the years of experience that I have,

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00:08:03,641 --> 00:08:05,398
don't put all your cards in that.

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Don't put all your eggs in one basket.

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00:08:07,678 --> 00:08:11,991
Because I'm telling you right now, if
I was coaching the other side of that,

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I would say," I had a human moment.

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I lost my mind.

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You're right.

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I overreacted.

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I was getting ready to lose my
whole family and I lost my mind.

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I talked out of churn.

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I did X, Y, and Z. " They will downplay it
as a one-time event, but when you can show

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a pattern, that speaks differently, okay?

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The other part, the
emotional discipline piece.

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This is where you have to separate
your audience from the rest,

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meaning who's listening to you?

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You have to stop venting
to the court system.

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That audience is for facts.

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Your therapist is for venting.

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Even your attorney, if you can afford
to, vent to them, but you're not getting

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on the stand and just venting about how
horrible they were in their marriage

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because that divorce is about the future
and you have to prove that you're fit.

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So we wanna stop trying to get the court
to understand emotionally what happened,

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and we have to start getting the court
to see what physically is happening.

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What's the data show?

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Start thinking about building your
case and not just telling a story.

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Some of you are great storytellers.

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You're great.

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I'm a good storyteller.

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But can you imagine how slam
dunk my case would've been if I

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would've been a good storyteller?

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I could repeat stories that happened,
but also show the data to prove

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the patterns that were happening.

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Instead, I just get up and say,"
Oh, he's a horrible person.

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Oh, she's this and she's that, and this
one time she, but I had data and evidence

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that's measurable to back that up.

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" So court is not where you process your
pain, it's where you present your proof.

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So if it's not measurable,
it's not data worthy, I don't

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know why you're bringing it.

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So you wanna tell them exactly what
you have to start doing, right?

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You wanna bring this to the
courts and say," Look, this

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00:10:02,638 --> 00:10:03,988
is what I'm gonna show you.

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I've tracked all of the dates
and times for exchanges.

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I have screenshots of the
piss poor communication.

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I have logged all the missed events
or late payments or the no responses.

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You are gonna keep it factual.

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You are gonna take emotion out of it.

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You would have to ask yourself on
everything, does this make sense

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to where if a stranger was reading
it, they would be able to come to

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the conclusion that this person has
a pattern of bad behavior, of bad

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00:10:35,198 --> 00:10:37,718
co-parenting, of being just a bad human.

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00:10:37,718 --> 00:10:42,098
Whatever you're trying to prove,
does your data support that?

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Because you getting up and telling an
emotional story could help you, but

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00:10:46,971 --> 00:10:51,335
if you had data to back it up, it's
going to improve your chances, right?

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Start showing the court that
there is a pattern, and then let

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the pattern speak for themselves.

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If I tell a judge that somebody's been
late, 18 out of the last 30 times,

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statistically, I'm gonna show more
than half the times they're late.

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00:11:07,060 --> 00:11:10,090
I can't help but go, "You know what?
This person has a problem with time."

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00:11:10,517 --> 00:11:15,966
They are not respecting the wishes of
the courts to comply with a set schedule.

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That's a problem.

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00:11:17,286 --> 00:11:18,816
I don't have to say those words.

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The data will show those words
because when I go up leading with,

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they're always late, they're a high
conflict, they're a narcissist.

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00:11:26,897 --> 00:11:31,493
The judge is labeling me right away,
that I'm stepping out of my lane and

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putting labels on somebody that I'm
not trained or certified to give.

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I don't want that mark against me.

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00:11:36,990 --> 00:11:40,350
I'm just gonna show the data
and let that speak for itself.

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00:11:40,787 --> 00:11:46,313
So if your attorney is not coaching you
on this strategy, especially with your

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00:11:46,313 --> 00:11:51,056
own evidence, I beg the question, "Do
you have a Larry?" Because they should

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00:11:51,056 --> 00:11:56,743
be taking all of this evidence and using
it in your case in a very organized

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00:11:56,743 --> 00:12:01,183
manner to show the pattern of behavior
that your ex is displaying of high

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00:12:01,183 --> 00:12:03,463
conflict without saying those words.

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00:12:03,800 --> 00:12:07,133
Your attorney should be coaching
you on how to document, should

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00:12:07,133 --> 00:12:08,813
be showing you how to document.

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00:12:09,190 --> 00:12:11,916
Now, again, this is stuff that you
need to learn because if you've

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00:12:11,916 --> 00:12:14,346
learned anything from me, you
gotta take care of your own case.

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Just because you hired an
attorney doesn't mean you're done.

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00:12:16,963 --> 00:12:20,296
You gotta work full-time as your
own paralegal documenting things,

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00:12:20,565 --> 00:12:21,826
things that are worth proving.

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00:12:22,163 --> 00:12:26,212
Somebody's an asshole, they're an
asshole, but if somebody's always

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00:12:26,212 --> 00:12:30,262
late or misusing time or not paying
back or not communicating about the

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children, well, that's a different case.

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Anybody can be an asshole and be a
parent, but it's a matter of can they

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co-parent and I gotta show the pattern
that they're not, and that's why I'm

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asking the court for X, Y, and Z.

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So work with your attorney.

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If not, my team is here to help you,
but you have to start understanding

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how to perform better in court, and
it's not walking in, telling a story

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and smacking a label on your ex. It's
showing patterns, it's showing behaviors.

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That's how you'll win.