Most people don't lose credibility on the stand because they're lying.
They lose because they get too emotional, and they're
unprepared, and they talk too much.
So in today's episode, we're really going to dive into the six major things
that I think are important that your attorney should be coaching you on.
Your attorney should be saying, "Hey, here's how to come into this
prepared." 'Cause for most of us listening, we've never been to court.
We're rule followers.
We maybe had a traffic ticket when we were 17, but we didn't
have to go to court for it.
So a lot of us, this is our first time ever walking into the building, let alone
into a courtroom, let alone then standing up on the stand, or sitting I should say.
So a lot of it is how to get yourself prepared will cut down your anxiety.
Now, I'm not gonna lie to you, not gonna twist this up and make this
sound like it's glorified or anything.
This is one of the worst experiences ever in your life, is to have to go
in front of a judge and openly talk about yourself, your past, your future
I hope you're getting into, your kids, your ex, and your situation.
It's rather humiliating.
And for a lot of us, we get so nervous.
Now, I'll just be honest.
That's all I know how to do, give the ugly truth.
I went to court a lot in my custody battle.
A lot.
All hundreds of times, and that is not an exaggeration.
And it was a long stint, but I can still remember the first time, and
here are just the things that I wish I would have done by preparing.
Okay?
I wish I would've went to the courthouse before my court date.
I wish I would've figured out the parking lot, how to walk in, what am
I allowed to wear, metal detectors, not to wear, can I bring drinks, can
I bring food, where are the bathrooms out, what are the concessions, or what
does the vending machines take, like, I needed to get a lay of the land
because when you're walking in you're like you can feel your breath shaking.
And then you're nervous about, "Am I gonna see my ex? Am Is he bringing his mom? is
she walking in with her new boyfriend?" Like, you get really, really anxious about
people around you that you kind of just, numb, And so court is very difficult.
So it's not just going up on the stand and speaking.
It's just the whole showing up is really hard.
So I highly recommend, as a taxpayer, go and listen to court
a couple weeks before your trial.
Get familiar with the lay of the land.
Uh, go in and watch your judge work.
You can go in and sit and listen to any court case you want.
Make yourself more comfortable with the physical environment, and kind of watch
a case- work itself out in front of you.
So you kind of see, oh, that's how they do that.
Oh, they call somebody up, and then they have to, swear to tell the truth, and
then one person talks, and then that person goes, and then the judge does it.
Get familiar with it, okay?
Now, the first step besides the physical preparation is the mental preparation.
I want you to write your story out.
Now, here's where people get confused.
too many of us think that, "Well, I don't wanna bore someone. I don't
wanna, just waste someone's…" No.
This is how you get more comfortable with your story and
your facts is you talk about it.
So whether you hire a divorce coach or you get one of your friends to sit down
with you, you talk about your case.
You tell your story.
You get feedback as you're telling your story.
You need to know what points that you really wanna hit on, and for some of
you, wanna word vomit your whole life.
No, that's not what we're doing.
We're breaking things down into segments.
We're gonna break down money conversations.
We're gonna break down children conversations.
We're gonna talk about communication.
We're gonna talk about our future.
You really need to lay it out in segments, and you need to know when is a good story
that I need to hit on under this category.
What's a good story I could hit on underneath, this category?
But you need to practice all of that.
You also need to write out what questions you would love to be asked about
specific things, whether that be the money, the conversations, the ex, the
school, the medical, whatever parts.
Or what questions are you hoping don't come up?
And I would prepare for those, because those are the questions your
ex's counsel is going to ask you.
And what better tool than to already know what dirt they have on you or think
they have on you or things they know will rattle you, and you prepare your answers.
If you don't prepare for answers, you are going to be an emotional
wreck when you try to answer.
You do not wanna have no preparation and then go up there, and when they
ask you, "Well, why did you do this?"
And you're like, "Oh, shit. I didn't know they were gonna ask me that."
First off, where is your attorney?
Why didn't your attorney prepare you?
And I'm sorry that for some of you listening, this is the first time
anybody's told you anything about court, which I think is sad and pathetic.
Not you, but your attorney, that they're not helping you.
For me personally, I have a whole court prep bundle that I have in my library
for people who buy my parenting plan, because inevitably, you're gonna be
in court with high-conflict people.
Better to know how to prepare yourself.
And this episode right here is me sharing some of that, if
not a little bit of all of it.
Okay?
Part two.
So first part is get the physical part and the mental of, like, what am I saying?
What are the questions?
What's my answer to this?
How am I approaching this?
Like, really break that down.
Segment two.
How do I physically show up on the stand?
First and foremost, if you are a fidgety person, not today.
Not the day of court you're not.
You will sit your ass still.
You will not be tapping your leg.
You will not be fidgeting.
You will not be picking at your fingers.
You will not be… I'm a hair twirler.
Anybody hair twirlers out there listening, I can twirl my hair, tie it in 17 knots,
and just keep sitting there and tying my hair in knots and tying my hair.
I am a hair twirler.
So what do you do when you're expected to sit still?
But for court, your ass will be sitting still, okay?
There's no if, ands, buts about it.
I want you to bring tissues.
I want you to tuck them in your sleeve, tuck them in your
sweater, have them in your pocket.
There will be tissues out there.
there should be a box sitting somewhere.
If not, bring some with you, ' cause you're gonna use them.
Whether it be your hands get sweaty, or your upper lip starts to sweat, or
you just cry, or you're one of those people that gather spit right here
in the corners of your mouth, you need to be able to wipe that, okay?
I want you to bring water or have access to water.
So again, when you did the surveillance, when you went in on
that pre-week and looked around, do they have open water containers
in the courtroom, which most do.
Where's the water fountain, out in the hallway?
Are you allowed to bring an empty bottle of water?
Please don't bring a whole bunch of pop and coffee and, Starbucks.
No.
We don't need judgment.
We just need water, okay?
That's it.
If you wanna bring a little packet of, something to put into, a little Crystal
Light or something, feel free to do that.
But the other part of this is maybe bring pictures of your kids so that
you can focus on why you're there.
I brought 5x7 pictures.
they were slid into the three-ring notebook that I had that had that
plastic little clear covering.
I slid pictures into those so that when the case got hairy or it was just
a bad emotional moment, I would just stare at my kids and kept my focus.
Not to mention, the judge could see those 5x7 pictures on my table, okay?
So he knew I came to play the game of seriousness, because I'm
looking at my kids, all right?
The other thing, uh, and this goes into down just how to
approach yourself on the stand.
Picture this, your attorney… We've all seen, cases on TV.
The attorney's asking you questions, and the witness, typically on TV, is
looking at the jury or is looking at the person asking the question
when they give their response.
In family court, most of the time, there's no jury.
So where would I want you looking?
Think about it.
I want you looking at the judge.
I want you turned at a 45-degree angle with those knees at a 45 so you
have your attorney or his attorney or her attorney in front of you.
You have the judge over here on your left or your right, depending on the
courtroom, and I want you splitting the difference between the two with
your knees, and I want you looking at whoever's asking you the question.
But when you answer, you're not answering for your attorney to keep notes, you're
answering for the judge to keep notes.
Now, why would I want you to do this?
Number one, it screams, "I'm telling the truth. I'm making eye contact
with the person that's making the determination." And I'm confident with
my answer, and I don't need to look at my attorney for reassurance or guidance.
I will look and answer.
So when my attorney says, "Sam, tell me about your children." " Well, Judge, I
have a three-year-old and a one-year-old.
I have Walker is my three-year-old.
He's the oldest, a very active kid, a early riser.
my one-year…" And I would go into detail. But I'm looking at the judge.
I'm addressing the, "Well, Judge, about my job, I'm a schoolteacher.
I have been for 15 years." I'm answering the question to the judge.
Why am I doing that?
I wanna make sure the judge knows I'm talking to the person that's
making the decision, and I want the judge to take good notes.
if they're looking at me and I'm looking at them, I want
to see you taking notes, sir.
Here's what I've realized in a lot of cases I've observed.
Been in a few myself, but I've also observed quite a few, is judges will
sit down and write grocery lists.
Judges will work on other cases.
Judges will open files from the next case or the case before and
be putting their signature or stamping stuff while you're talking.
It's absolute bullshit.
But if I'm looking at them and they can feel my eyes looking at them,
they better be paying attention.
And I'll keep saying, "Judge," before I speak.
"Your Honor, Your Majesty," whatever it is where you're from.
But make sure you're engaging with the person that's making
the determination in your case.
Now, should you look at your ex? I'm all for team yes.
Yep, ' cause I'm confident.
And here's what I'll just tell you, and I don't think it's in any of
these segments, but I will just tell you from my own two cents.
Before every court case, and again, hundreds, I was super nervous.
Diarrhea, sweaty palms, cotton mouth, high anxiety, heart racing, throwing
up, not wanting to eat, all the things.
Sleepless nights weeks before.
All of that washes away the second your ass gets on the stand if you're
the person telling the truth, if you're the good fit for the children.
All that washes away, and there's some kind of super power that comes over you,
and you're able to deliver your message.
Now, you may be hearing that with court coming up on Monday and
going, "Sam, there's no fucking way.
There's no way I'm gonna be as confident as you." Just know that the person
speaking to you now as Sam was not who I was back in those days, but who I
showed up in court as was that person.
I would be nervous walking in.
I would be nervous sitting next to my attorney.
But the second I got on the stand, it was just like my shoulders went back, my
chest went out, my head got higher, I sat up straighter, and I just, " Yes, sir.
Judge, here's what you need to know." And all of a sudden, I was giving a sermon.
Now, when I would get off the stand and I would go back to the table, oh, and
when I would get home, I'm in the fetal position, and I'm crying, and I'm shaking,
and I'm like, "Ugh," you But there's something about when you get called to
testify about your best job in the world of being a parent, you show the fuck up.
It just works that way.
Now, for women, I kind of categorize it as this.
There's just some magic that happens that we're able to push a child out of a hole.
That's fucking magical.
my body does something I can't even comprehend to understand.
I've had four of them come out of there.
Still mesmerized by the idea.
I think that's just as magical as how I performed on the stand of, I was
able to overcome my fears and anxieties and still somehow speak sentences.
Because if you saw me the night before court, there ain't no
way sentences were coming out.
I went, "Bl- bl- bl- bl-," blubbering idiot.
But then when I got into court, I was able to say what I needed to say.
Okay?
Segment three.
How to answer questions.
And again, your attorney should be coaching you on this.
They should be.
What are you paying for?
Honestly.
But let's break this into two parts.
When your attorney is questioning you is one part of it, and then their
attorney's going to question you.
That's another part.
So first, when your attorney is asking you questions, this is your time to
explain, mostly because you should know the questions ahead of time if
your attorney is really on their game.
You know what details to give, you know what examples, and you're showing
patterns of behavior, both for you, that you're amazing, and patterns
that maybe the other parent is not.
You're talking about your kids in depth.
And again, you heard me start to tell my story of my children, of who they are.
Please, go into detail.
Be humorous.
Be real.
I wanna be able to close my eyes when you're talking about your kids, and
I can physically put them together.
Walker.
He's a gorgeous little three-year-old.
He's got blonde hair, blue eyes, active as all get out.
The kid will wake up no matter what time of night he goes to bed.
He's a picky eater.
He excuses himself to go to the bathroom in every restaurant we've ever been in.
But if you created a sport today, he'd already be good at it at three.
That's what I would say to the judge.
or Josie.
Josie's one.
She's really into her pacifier right now, which we're trying to take away.
You think she's gonna be an early potty trainer.
She's one that likes to snuggle.
Like, I am describing in detail, not like, "Oh, athletic, loves to read."
What kind of books do they like to read?
What position do they play in the sports they play?
What kind of human being are they?
are they annoying at bedtime?
Do they love to do their chores?
Are they a pet peeve person?
Do they like their teachers?
give some involvement, some needs that they have.
Tell the judge who they really are, not this like, "Oh, they're great
kids. They're amazing." Okay, well duh, but how amazing are they?
What do they do?
Show that you know your kids the best, and think about what will your ex say.
Do they know your kids really well, or do they know that version of your child?
So talk in detail.
Again, when your attorney's asking you something, you should feel really
comfortable because you know all the questions in advance, and so you have
your responses practiced, Now, the difference is when their attorney,
your ex's attorney, is asking you questions, you need to keep it factual.
You need to keep it straight to the point.
Keep it brief.
Keep it direct.
Do not over explain.
Do not get tongue-tied.
Do not get frazzled.
Do not try to defend yourself.
You give facts, asked and answered, okay?
I do not recall.
You need to work out something with your attorney for, like, a, " I
don't know what that means," or, "I don't know what that is," and there's
nothing wrong with saying that.
"I'm sorry, can you repeat that question?
I'm sorry, I don't understand the question.
Can you show me where I said that?
Do you have evidence that I can read?" Ask for clarity on
what they're actually asking.
You don't try to win your case.
Listen to this.
Do not try to win your case during cross-examination by the other side.
When you get rattled, when you get frustrated, when you start
lashing out, you start being extra defensive, you start crying, you start
screaming, When they're asking you questions, you will lose your case.
You will lose your case.
Now, example in my case, when my attorney was interviewing me,
obviously I was well put together.
When his attorney, my ex's attorney, interviewed me, shout out to Alan,
He asked me a few questions and he's like, "I'm done," ' cause
he knew he couldn't break me.
I was a superhero that day, and all the days really.
But he never, ever in my whole case would put me on the stand and ask me questions
because he knew I was not the fuck up.
But role reverse this.
When I would go up on the stand for my attorney, I was fine.
When my ex got up on the stand, for his attorney, I mean, it wasn't a stellar
Academy Award, but it was, decent, 'cause I think he knew the questions.
But when my attorney would cross-examine my ex, woo, you talk
about hadn't been coached properly.
Defensive, argumentative, sarcastic, demeaning.
Would, question my attorney.
he thought he was equal with her and would lash at her.
That did not bar well with the judge, And so it's really important if you're
worried about your ex's counsel, your ex's attorney, you need to really go
through a bunch of questions that they could ask you and get you rattled and
off-kilt- To where you're prepared.
Put a bingo card together for anything that your ex thinks they wanna ask you
on the stand through their attorney.
Put it on a bingo card, talk about it with your team, your attorney, that's gonna
be a costly conversation, but maybe with your mom, your sisters, your best friends,
your dad, whoever is your support staff.
Talk out those.
What's the best way to answer this?
What's the cleanest way to answer this?
What's the way that'll, be less messy?
Or remember, you've watched enough court TV, you know this, right?
If you are the witness for your attorney, and then you have to be cross-examined
by your ex's attorney, you will then get like an Oreo, two sides of it.
Your side will interview you, your ex's side will interview you, and
then your attorney will follow up.
So if you get frazzled with your ex's counsel, don't sweat
it, don't worry about it.
It's okay.
Your attorney should do a good enough job to clean that mess up for you.
"Hey, Sam, it seems as though we got a little in the weeds back there when we
were talking about the daycare debacle.
I want you to take a breath, Sam, and I want you to explain what
really happened." Boom, open mic.
I can now explain it with the comfort of knowing my attorney's the one asking.
I'm looking at the judge and saying, "Well, Judge, I think I got
confused when he was asking me that, but here's what really happened."
Boom.
I can go into it.
But you have to put together a bingo card.
And again, a bingo card is taking a piece of paper, putting little boxes all over
it just like if you were playing bingo, and you're gonna write down every possible
question that could be asked of you that would piss you off, frazzle you, upset
you, trigger you, bother you, whatever.
That way, if it does happen, you're quietly on the stand going, "Hmm,
I had that on the bingo card, and I'm prepared for that answer." But
when you don't prepare for difficult questions, you will be one that will
cry, get defensive, lash out, break down, hyperventilate, or all the above.
So put that bingo card together.
Segment four, again, this kind of types into or goes into it, is the
emotional control, and this is where people lose their minds sometimes.
Now again, I think a lot of people that lose their mind in court and get really,
really emotional and really, down a rabbit hole are ones that don't prepare.
So it's okay to have feelings on the stand.
It's okay to to pull that tissue out of your shirt you're checking your
tears and you're wiping your nose, 'cause, God, nobody wants to listen to
somebody sling fucking snot up and down their nose, so please blow your nose.
Pull away from the microphone, blow your nose and come back.
Excuse yourself, scoot away, blow your no- Stop sniffing your nose, by the way, okay?
And you know who you are.
Your family needs to tell you that you're a nose sniffer.
Don't do that.
' Cause again, a judge is judging you.
Everybody wants to say, "Well, a judge wouldn't judge you on…"
Yes, they will.
Bad hygiene, appearance, which we'll get into, sniffing your
nose, being annoying, yes.
Sorry, they will.
Okay?
That's the reality.
But it's okay to have feelings, but here's the trick.
If you start to cry in a spot that you don't wanna cry, for example, you
probably don't wanna cry when your ex's counsel is the one asking you
questions, ' cause you're pissed off and you're getting so pissed off you're about
ready to cry for an irrational reason.
Now, there's a difference if my attorney asks me a question and I'm
crying about a story that happened.
I'm crying about my children.
Okay, I'm gonna cry.
I'm gonna cry.
Now, I'm not gonna no, I'm not doing that shit.
I don't know how ugly I just looked, but that's how ugly you will look.
Okay?
I'm not gonna hyperventilate cry.
I'm gonna have some tears rolling down my face.
I'm gonna ask to gather myself for a second, and I'm gonna keep
fucking going, but here's the trick if you wanna stop crying.
Drink.
Take that water that we talked about with you up to the stand.
Drink water.
It stops crying.
Okay?
Keep drinking until you stop crying.
so stop, breathe, regain control.
Now, I don't care if you're down here tapping on your body to get
yourself, do karate chop on your wrist to get yourself to stop crying, but
you have to control your emotions.
Now, again, when is a good time to cry?
When you're writing out your questions, you can be like, "Oh, I'll
probably cry when I tell that story.
Oh, I'll probably cry." But if on your bingo card from your ex's side, where
you're doing all of the questions, if you're like, "Oh, I'm probably gonna cry,"
you gotta get yourself to where you can just talk and not be a crying, babbling
idiot up on the stand the whole time.
Now, again, I'm saying that with kid gloves, 'cause I know some of
your cases are very, very intense, and there is a lot of abuse and a
lot of drama and a lot of trauma.
And crying is a natural response.
But a judge has to be able to write down something you're saying.
There has to be evidence.
You being emotional is not evidence.
You have to be able to write down something that you're saying.
Okay?
So important distinction, emotions are okay, losing control is not.
Now, I can cry and have a conversation still.
I can watch a movie and be crying and still talking.
That's the kind of cry that we're doing.
We're not doing this like I s- we can't do that, guys.
Okay?
We can't do that.
All right?
'Cause again, if I'm that kind of upset, am I being taken seriously?
Am I of a place that I can control myself to be a good co-parent?
Am I in a healing place where I can be in charge of things?
There's the other side of that coin, and I know some of you right
now are saying, "But Sam, you don't know what I've been through." You're
right, I don't, and neither does the judge, but being hysterical on the
stand isn't gonna prove that point.
We need to be able to talk about it from a place that I'm in control,
I have power over my emotions, over myself, and I'm on my path of getting
better because I'm safe, because I'm not with this person anymore, and this
is what I'm able to do as a parent.
A judge has to be able to look at you and go, "You are well put-together."
You conduct yourself well, you seem rational, you seem reasonable, you seem
like you have control over your emotions.
Even when that counsel, that opposing counsel came at you, you stayed legit,
you stayed control, you stayed normal.
Because that's part of the game, I wanna be able to show that no matter how hard
he comes for me, that attorney from the opposing side comes at me with a
bingo card full of irrational questions, bullshit accusations, falsehoods,
and everything, I stayed Eeyore.
Okay, no problem.
But if I show rattled, emotional, reactive, fuck you behavior, and
then my ex wants to get on the stand and be like, "You know what?
She's irrational, she lashes out, she's unpredictable, she's moody.
I think the kids are scared of her," and that's what I showed on the stand.
One and one is two.
So we have to be careful of how we present ourselves.
Segment five, what do you say and how do you say it?
All right, again, your attorney should be coaching you on this stuff, but here I am.
I'm here to help you out.
We're not gonna label our ex. We're gonna show patterns.
So again, we're not saying he or she is always late.
We're gonna say, in the last 72 visit opportunities over the last seven
months, they've been late 43 times.
That is a percentage of this.
We're gonna speak in facts and timelines and consistencies that have happened.
One, a lot of you are telling this one-off story.
Well, this one time, they were 45 minutes late.
Cool.
Maybe they had a fucking flat tire.
but if they've shown a pattern of always being late, they've shown a
pattern of never paying, they've shown a pattern of never communicating,
they've shown a pattern of neglect, they've shown a pattern of harm,
I'm gonna talk about those patterns.
I am not here to label somebody as a psycho, a narcissist, a bitch, an asshole.
That's not my job.
But my job is to say, "Here's how my kids have come back out of the last seven
times alone. They've come back disheveled, unclean, in the same underwear, uh, taking
big, huge, massive poops 'cause they say they haven't pooped in three days."
Like, I'm gonna talk about those things.
I'm going to speak in facts that I can prove, not my theory that they're
an asshole or a bitch or mean.
Well, my level of mean could be different than your level of mean,
or the judge's level of mean.
You can think, well, this parent does X, Y, and Z. Maybe the judge does that.
We don't know.
You don't know.
So you gotta be able to prove facts, not your opinion.
So you stay calm, and you show your details, you have your evidence
organized, and that makes you credible.
You wanna be credible because ultimately, think about this,
bird's-eye view of your case.
A judge is trying to determine who's a better fit for the kids
for the majority of the time.
And or are these people good to do joint?
That's where a lot of our cases are landing, right?
Are these people okay to do joint?
And if I'm trying to come across that I'm in control, well, I'm good for joint.
I can rise above, I can deal with their ass, I can put that aside.
I do that every day at my job.
I put bitterness aside and I still perform for my job.
I'll show you that by having three witnesses from my job come in and
talk about how I don't hold precedent.
I'm good.
but can my ex? Can my ex show that they can work for me?
One of the best questions I love for my attorney, my clients' attorneys to ask
the other side, is to ask each parent to say something good about the other parent.
" So Sam, could you tell me what you're good at?" " I'm good at making sure my home
is safe, welcoming, and that my children can show up back to my house any way
they need to, and I'm gonna fill their love tank." " Can you tell me something
great about your ex?" " Absolutely.
He has financially provided for them and made sure they've had insurance
their whole lives and will continue to do that, and he teaches them that
very hard routine is good for them."
That's it.
I gave them something.
Now, I'm gonna later talk about how that routine is over the fucking top,
but I'm gonna say something positive.
He shows them a routine.
Now, the routine is brutal and over the top, but that's my opinion, but
I'll show facts to back that up later.
So I think having your ex get on the stand and say something nice about you,
and if they refuse, that speaks volumes,
Last segment, then we'll kind of wrap this up, because I know this
one's getting long, but this is just really important and I really feel
like your attorney, again, should be helping you with a lot of this.
What to wear and what to bring.
Now, again, I've talked about bringing pictures of your children.
I think that's really important.
Bringing water, bringing tissues, all of your documents organized, all of them.
And if you wanna do a solid, make an extra copy, if not three, because most of the
time a copy goes to the other counsel and to the judge, and your team has one.
So copies of three on everything.
It'll save on your billing if she referred you to go to Kinko's to make
a copy of three things, and it is your attorney, can tell you that right now.
but you wanna stay, bring that calm.
So you wanna be tapping, in the courtroom or tapping down
in your car before you go up.
Have some kind of, maybe something that you roll on your wrist, a bracelet
that you really love that you can just keep rolling or fidgeting with
underneath the table where they can't see, 'cause again, we're sitting still.
But when it comes to what to wear, I need you to think about this: a bird's-eye
view of the courtroom, A judge is looking out and seeing two parents walk in.
I don't care if it's man, woman, woman, man, woman, woman, man,
man, they, them, I don't care.
He's looking out at two people.
And I think a lot of us in this decade have lost the idea that court Is a
professional setting, and that we should be having our Sunday best on.
And if you're of a certain age, you know what that means.
But I don't need you dressing out of character.
I don't need you dressing out of character.
I've seen guys that are worker bees, tatted up, look amazing in a T-shirt and
jeans, but then they put on this suit that they haven't worn in three years.
They look like stuffed sausage in it.
They're uncomfortable.
they're wearing white socks, and they're just miserable.
Where if they would've just wore some nice dark jeans and a new button-down
shirt or a polo and their work boots or even just boots that they cleaned
up, they'd feel so much better.
And when you feel better, you present better.
I'm not saying you have to wear a suit.
I'm not saying you have to wear dark colors.
Wear what makes you look like a parent.
Wear neutral colors.
Enough with this black and dark and doom and gloom.
If I wanna be presenting as somebody that's light and love, but I'm wearing
a three-piece black suit, no, I'm not.
I wanna look like a dad.
And for the women out there, I'm just gonna tell you, we
gotta look at these judges.
If you're not looking to see who your judge is, what age bracket
they're in, are you even trying?
I mean, come on.
There's no way I'm walking in with four-inch nails to
a judge that has white hair.
I'm probably not gonna show my tattoos if my judge is a boomer.
Let's be smart about this.
I don't wanna get judged, and for those of you that are listening to this
and not watching it, I have tattoos.
I'm not gonna show those off even though I know that's who I am, but you guys,
you gotta know who the audience you're looking at, So I'm wearing neutral colors.
I'm wearing soft colors.
I'm not gonna wear black.
I might wear a navy with a khaki or a little blush pink with some navy, but
I'm not gonna be doom and gloom dark.
I wanna present as a loving parent, so nothing tacky, nothing distracting.
Borrow clothes.
Hell, I've been to the thrift store lately.
There's some nice shit in there.
Throw on a dress with a cami, with a little sweater.
But you gotta think about if you're going in there, and this is just me being
honest, and I don't know how to do it any other way, if you're going in there
to say, " I'm broke," but you got new highlights in your hair, and you got fresh
nails on and a brand-new really expensive outfit, I mean, we gotta know how to
present ourselves, ladies and gentlemen.
Look like a normal parent.
How do you present?
I think it's just really important for you to do research on your judge.
Younger judges, okay, maybe they're okay with all the tattoos and the
piercings and the, bold makeup.
But do I wanna take that chance?
No, I don't.
I wanna put my best foot forward with the best chances possible, so I'm going to try
my hardest to look comfortable in my own skin while also being really aware that
someone is judging me the second I walk in the room and the second I open my mouth.
And if any of you think that evidence is the only thing in your
case weighing on whether you get your kids or not, that's not true.
I am friends with a lot of judges, and first impressions matter.
They just do.
When you're sitting over in the stand or on the table with your attorney
and you have RBF, resting bitch face, so hard, it's a distraction.
When you're glaring at your ex, that's a distraction.
When you're going, "Ugh, gee, ugh," every time they lie on the stand,
that is distraction, and a judge will judge you for it, as they should.
Because, again, you should be showing up the best.
You should look your best.
You should feel your best.
You should be trying your best, and you acting like a juvenile with,
"Ugh, meh," fidgeting and tap…
No, put your shit together.
Show up for your kids.
Try your fucking hardest because this makes or break how much you see your kids.
So do better.
Ask for your attorney to help you with these things that I've talked about today.
They should already be doing this, but again, I probably
wouldn't have a job if they were.
So I wanna make sure you understand, being on the stand isn't about
just telling your story perfectly.
It's not just about that.
It's about showing up to the court through your behavior of how you act, of being
stable, and the reliable parent who hits the needs of your children, and then also
proving that the other side does not.
You have to make sure that you are presenting well.
Practice makes perfect.
and mark my words, if you wait till the day of court to be the first
time you walk in the building, you're adding extra stress that is not needed.
If you wait to practice what you're saying on the stand, you will fumble.
You will fumble.
There's very few of us that can be off-the-cuff.
I'm a pretty off-the-cuff person, but back in those days, no way.
I would never have tried that.
Never have tried that.
Practice, and you'll be able to tell how much effort your attorney
practiced, and you'll definitely be able to tell how much your ex practiced.
Good luck.