All right, everyone loves the idea of 50/50 custody until
they actually are living it.
And I'm just gonna say this real quick before we get too into this.
One of you didn't want 50/50, but you got awarded 50/50, and your case is
most likely how it really happened.
But here we are, we're in 50/50, or it's on the table to be discussed,
or your attorney is pushing you into 50/50, or your ex is demanding 50/50.
So not everybody really loves the idea of 50/50, and today I'm kind of breaking
down what those details are that need to be mentioned even if you are doing
50/50, 'cause there's this brainwashing that has come over family court that
thinks that 50/50 erases all conflict.
And nothing could be further from the truth, and I actually tend to err on
the side of 50/50 creates more problems.
And I'm gonna get into that, right?
So if you don't have details in your parenting plan, every single one of
these that I'm gonna talk about today, all seven of them, are gonna create you
either more problems or financial loss.
And by financial loss, I mean having to go back to court to fix said
problem that was not detailedly written into parenting plan.
All right?
So first and foremost, again, everybody's looking for that 50/50
custody agreement and visitation schedule, but the number one thing to understand
about it is the schedule is not 50/50.
It's just really not.
And again, some of you are divorcing high-conflict people that want
everything down to the minute the same, and it's just not that way.
And high-conflict people will also throw a fit if you take a holiday or
take time from them for a holiday.
So for example, when I'm recording this, we just got done with Mother's Day.
And so there was a lot of upset fathers out there who had standard visitation
every other weekend as their schedule, but they lost the whole weekend or Saturday
to Sunday or just Sunday to the mother.
And they're pissed off about it, because in their mind,
two things probably happened.
Number one, they lost time with their children, they're upset about that, or
number two, they're fearful because they don't understand that this does happen,
and now she got more time that week than he did, and he gets pissed off about it.
Now, the same thing will happen during Father's Day weekend, that it's possibly
the mother's weekend and she's gonna lose time because it's Father's Day.
And those two usually wash each other out.
But 50/50 does not necessarily mean that it's exactly the same every
weekend or every day or every month.
Some months may be heavier on mom, some months may be heavier on dad.
It's not always 50/50, but you have people out there that will lose their
God-forsaken mind if it's not down to the minute of equal split holidays.
And also, holidays are one thing that will shift it away from 50/50 exactly.
But then next year, it'll probably wash itself out with the other parent getting
that time back, but they have to wait a whole year to get that time back,
and some of them don't understand that.
Vacations will shift.
I am somebody that took my kids on a lot of vacations because I was a teacher.
I had the summers off.
It was possible.
I had a lot of family in a lot of places, so it was a lot of cheap vacations.
But my ex didn't take my kids on vacation, so in his mind, he was
losing the 50/50 schedule because of my vacations, but those don't get calculated
into your visitation schedule, guys.
Those are just an additional two times, additional times for you to have, right?
Sick kids may change the schedule.
You may have a kid in the hospital for a little bit.
Now you're not getting that overnight.
Your kids may go on vacation with somebody if you allow that.
That's not getting their time.
We just had a case this morning with one of my clients where one of her
children out of the three is going with grandma, so now that parent
doesn't get that visitation time.
Your kids go to camps in the summer and spend the night at the camp, and
now that parent's not getting time.
There are all kinds of scenarios where 50/50 just isn't 50/50.
One parent always ends up with a little bit more during this season, and then this
parent ends up more during this season.
Or sometimes, honest truth, one parent just ends up with more time because
maybe the other parent doesn't want the time and just wanted it on paper.
So 50/50 is a legal structure, but it's not a lived reality It's what's
legally on paper, but for most of you listening, it won't end up that
way in practicality day-to-day use.
It just won't.
So be prepared for that.
One of you will do the heavy lifting, and if you're here,
it's probably gonna be you.
Number two, this is one that's gonna probably get me in hot water, but
money is never split 50/50, ever.
There's things that are probably not accounted for in your shitty
parenting plan written by Larry the lawyer, who wants you just to come
back and spend more money with him.
So he probably didn't account for certain things, which again, I've read hundreds
of thousands of parenting plans written by Larrys, and they're written so piss
poor and so vague, and it's left for interpretation of whether a parent
has to pay for something or doesn't by all the vague, gray-worded verbiage
that parents are left with the whole discussion of, are we talking about this?
Are we splitting this?
Is this a cost that you have to have and I have to have?
Are we sharing this cost?
What is this?
And so money is never 50/50, which is the whole precedent that some parents
wanted, is that they don't wanna have to pay child support, that they just
think if they can get 50/50 visitation that now, okay, you take care of
my house, I take care of your…
You know, I take care of my house, you take care of your house,
which is true, and you should, but here's the deal with that.
There are so many things.
Write this down.
There are so many things that are not at each other's homes that
your children need money for.
Think about this.
Not everything that costs money happens inside of my home.
So if I want the child to have a new book bag, I will buy a new book bag.
If I want the child to have a new coat, I'll buy a new coat.
If the child needs food, I'll buy food.
All that could be in my house.
But what about things that are outside of the home?
What about those extracurriculars?
What about that school lunch?
What about registration for school?
What about that copay at that doctor's office?
There are so many things.
Yearbooks, summer camp, daycare.
There are so many things that are not in each other's homes.
So it's not 50/50.
Because if those things were not mentioned in your parenting plan,
shameless plug, we mention all of those things in the parenting plan
that we custom-build for our clients.
But all those things are left off the table intentionally or
unintentionally by Larry the lawyer, and then what's that leave?
It leaves one of two options.
Number one, you argue with your ex about who's gonna pay for what or splitting
the cost, or number two, you take them back to court to try to get that money.
Both things I don't think you wanna be doing.
You don't wanna be arguing, and you sure as hell don't wanna be
wasting money to go get money.
But the reality is one of you will always think ahead, one of you will
remember, one of you will plan, and one of you will be paying.
Now, I have hindsight.
Do you wanna hear it?
Just pay for it.
Just fucking pay for it.
And if you're on the boat of like, "That's not fair. The other parent
should have to participate," well, I mean, I can get some popcorn and watch
this shit show, 'cause that's what it's gonna be to try to get that money.
I have learned over the years in my personal journey and with clients,
when you are divorced from a severely narcissistic, high-conflict personality
disorder, psychopath, sociopath, insert whatever diagnosis you want to, I don't
care, but somebody that is the root of money is the problem about everything,
like everything comes back to money.
If you are divorced from that person- I'm telling you right
now, go get a second J-O-B.
Find a way to pay because if you think going after them for the lunch account
is worth it, it'll cost you thousands to get the hundreds that you owe.
Have grandma start paying for lunch.
Hell, you might even qualify for free lunch.
Who knows?
But I'm telling you right now, if you think 50/50 visitation
makes it 50/50 on payments, flash alert here, that's not true.
Financial responsibility usually falls on one responsible parent.
Because here's the other half of this, guys.
Your kids know, they understand, they can feel, they can sense, or
they've been told that that parent cares about money, and that parent has
talked to them about money, and has pressured them about money, and makes
them feel a certain way about money.
And those kids will never go and say, "Hey, I want a yearbook this year.
do you think we can get a yearbook?
Hey, I'd like to get a letterman's coat.
Hey, I'd like to upgrade this.
Hey, they're having a field trip and it costs $7." If you think
your children don't already know what parent to go to and not go
to, news alert, they understand.
They know that parent's high-conflict.
They know that parent's pissy about money.
They know, and that's why they keep coming to you.
But then you send over that text message like, "Hey, it's $7 for the field trip.
you owe $350." And then that child's like, "Are you fucking kidding me?
I don't want you to tell them about that because the second I
go over to their house, they're gonna bitch at me about $350.
Ugh." That was my kids.
That was my kids.
They were like, "Can you just get…" Like, it would be his
weekend at a softball game.
I would see my two children at said softball game.
It's his weekend.
And they would come up and they'd be like, "Hi, Mom.
Can you give us $5 for the concession stand, but don't make it s- don't
let him see that you're giving us $5?
But we want something," and he says no.
He says he doesn't have money for that.
"So can you just give us $5?" And they're, like, talking, like, "Don't,
don't…" So I'm, like, sneaking them a $5 bill, and then they wait till,
like, he goes to the bathroom, and then they go to the concession stand,
then they go hide and eat it, so.
It was just, like, this constant thing with money.
So if your kids you don't think your kids know that, they do.
All right?
They do.
But it'll never be fair in 50/50.
Just know that going into it, and know that one of you will be financially
responsible and one of you will not be.
Number three, decision-making.
Decision-making is constant friction.
Constant.
Not a little bit.
Not a every once in a while.
Constant friction in 50/50.
Because most judges and Larry the lawyer will write a shitty parenting
plan that will just say, " Parties will agree on all major decisions jointly."
Cool.
What does that actually look like to do that?
Is it me calling him?
Is it me typing to him?
Is it her sending a message over?
W- what does that really look like?
It's not written in your parenting plan what it looks like.
So, then kids are torn with, "Who do I ask?" The school is
like, "Who do I respond to?
Who gets this call?" There is no way to do 50/50 in a high conflict dynamic.
So what do we do in our parenting plan that we custom-build for clients?
We simply take every major decision that's going to come up in your child's
life, and we make the determination now.
Now.
You're already fighting.
You're already battling.
You're already spending money.
Let's spend a little bit more and write out all those decisions
all the way to graduation.
That's what we do.
Because if you don't write them out now, and it just says, "Parties will later
determine everything, major decision and for the child's life together
jointly," that literally says, "You will fight and argue, bitch and moan.
Your children will ride the effect of that from now until your child
graduates, and or, or including too, you will spend an ass load of money to
come back and fix this shitty wording."
That's what it should say.
"Don't worry, you have joint.
You'll be back.
Here's a free bonus, uh, parking pass for three visits because you'll be
back." That's what that should say because a lot of you will have to spend
more money to go fix that statement, or a lot of you will just let your
high-conflict ex run the show because you're broke, you're beat down, and you're
frustrated, and you don't feel like going back because you're mentally beat up
already, and it's not worth it to you.
So the high-conflict parent will then just stomp on you about everything,
and they will be in the power, and they will have the control, and
they will determine what happens.
I've seen this since I started this job over and over and over again.
A shitty parenting plan about joint decision-making ends in money loss,
children being ill affected, and the high-conflict parent running the
fucking show That's what happens.
That's the reality.
That's what attorneys and judges need to hear, is that you think you're doing
somebody a favor by just saying, "You guys need to work together. You need
to do what's best interest for the child. You need to come together to make
determination." Okay, well, you know what?
All the divorces back in the '50s, '60s, '70s, '80s, '90s, and early 2000s, they
picked who gets to make the decisions.
They picked.
And then we got on this wild goose chase of 50/50 decision-making between
two people that don't like each other.
That don't like each other.
And now we don't like each other, so much so, so much so, that we're gonna
break the sanctity of marriage and end a marriage, but somehow we're gonna have
coffees on Tuesdays and work together.
That's a very small percentage of people.
But family court is based on a very small percentage of people
that are amicable, that get along, that, can do better for each other.
But a lot of us are dealing with people that are not okay, people
that are damaged, and because of their damage, they just keep abusing
us or hurting us or lashing out at us or punishing us or whatever.
We can't work with those people.
They're irrational.
I've seen cases where people have been pro-vaccination.
The second they get divorced, all of a sudden, nope, not
doing that at all anymore.
I've seen people not step one foot into a church for 10 years.
The second they get divorced, they want everything in church.
And again, I'm not saying you're not allowed to change your mind,
but there are some people that make those drastic changes of opinion just
because your ex wants to stay on the same path of maybe always vaccinating
or maybe not going to church.
And they'll pick something just the polar opposite to cause friction.
But again, maybe they are getting divorced because somebody feels a
certain way about vaccinations, or maybe somebody does feel a certain way about
faith now and wants to go, 10 toes in.
Not saying that's wrong, but how can a family court system say, on these two
subjects of medical and religion, you will come together and make a common choice?
Well, the two examples I'm giving you are pretty polar opposite.
There's not a middle ground.
But here family court is, handing us all 50/50 and saying,
"You can do it." No, we can't.
Otherwise, why'd we hire these overpriced attorneys?
Why'd we spend two years trying to figure this out?
Why'd we spend eight days in court, right?
So you can't just decide that you want everything to be 50/50 and write it
down that we'll later determine, we'll later talk about, we'll later discuss.
Parties will get together.
Parties will have coffee.
Parties will jointly, jointly, jointly.
That doesn't work.
It doesn't work.
So even small decisions in a 50/50 agreement are going to end in conflict.
In the end of all of that, who pays the biggest price?
I mean, we do financially in court, right?
But who's paying the emotional price?
Who's paying the physical, beat down, psychological cost of that?
Our children, because they watch us go broke.
They see us frustrated.
They see us frazzled.
They see us walking on eggshells.
They see us doing court case work.
they feel it.
And it's all because someone in a black robe said, "You know what, you two been
fighting here for two years. I'm gonna teach you a lesson. I'm gonna give you
50/50 decision-making." What the fuck?
Is this like an oxymoron?
That's not gonna work.
I might as well just start paying my retainer for the next
round of arguments right now.
So if you think 50/50 is gonna get you out of paying money for
child support, that might be true.
If it's gonna get you out of going back to court and arguing
about shit, that's not true.
You will be back.
Number four, and again, these are seven things that just happen with 50/50,
and this one's an emotional one, okay?
So get ready.
You will miss moments that had you stayed married, you
probably wouldn't have missed.
And the first couple times this happens, it's hard.
It's hard.
You'll miss moments of school events that maybe you're not allowed
to go to school on those days.
Again, that's a shitty written parenting plan, by the way.
You should be able- allowed to be at school any day of the week,
even when it's not your visitation.
But maybe you have to work, and your ex won't send you a copy.
You're gonna find a workaround, by the way, and find somebody
else to send you a copy.
You won't get to keep all the awards that they get, 'cause half of them, if not
all of them, will be snuck off by the high-conflict parent and put on a wall.
You won't be able to help with all the science projects or the school
projects or fair or anything like that.
And all the little things, like the first tooth getting lost, the first haircuts,
the first field trips, the first time seeing something, you won't be there.
You might miss their first steps or their first words.
You won't be there for all of it.
I mean, you had your kids 100%, you went down 50%.
You didn't go down 10%.
You didn't go down to 80 You went down to 50%.
Half of their life you are now going to not be included on.
But a week ago, you were 100%.
So for anybody that thinks that's an easy pill to swallow, it's not.
I lost three days of my life.
I had my court case drug out eight days, 43 witnesses.
Got our judgment in April.
Standing in my office, my attorney called and said, "Are you alone?" And
I said, "No, I have people standing around me." "Well, when you get
home, get your mom and your dad, and I'm gonna tell you the findings."
And of course, I was like, "Pssh, tell me now." I blacked out when he
said, "You have 50/50." I blacked out.
Luckily, people with me called my mom.
She came and got me, and I remember getting in her car, but I didn't
remember where we were going.
And I lost three days of my li- like, I was in a comatose of, what happened?
I don't remember those three days because it was news that I was not prepared
for, and I knew I just went from seeing my children every single day to 50%.
Half of the time with them was just taken from me, and I knew who I was
divorcing was never going to let me see them extra, be there, go over, hang out.
We were not those people.
It's a hard one to swallow.
Anybody that tells you to get over it, or it's easy, or just let it go, fuck you.
I didn't have kids to see them 50% of the time.
I didn't.
I wanted to be their mom every day, and when that gets taken from you, whether
your choice, your doing, or another side, it's not easy to deal with.
It's not.
So it's a hard one.
But missing those moments, you gotta figure out workarounds.
You gotta figure out having people help you, take videos for you when you can't
be there, make copies of things, the second tooth is just as important as the
first tooth, And you make it a big deal.
Hell, you know, the last tooth is important.
You find ways to celebrate half birthdays, and do-overs, and your own
things, and you hang as much on the wall that you can get, whatever it is.
But this is hard to absorb that you're gonna miss things.
I saw a video just yesterday or maybe it was this morning of a woman crying
her eyes out because her ex cut their baby's hair and cut all the curls off.
I can feel that.
I felt her pain in that video because she missed the curls
getting cut, and she didn't get one.
Like, nobody kept any hair to give to her, right?
Now, can she grow his hair out just a little bit, go it, get it cut, and witness
that whole thing for the second time?
Sure.
You know?
But there's emotion behind things.
So get ready for 50/50s.
Like, "Oh, hey, I got 50/50." Yeah, you just lost half the time with
your child that a week ago you had.
It's a hard one to get used to, okay?
Number five, you'll be constantly explaining your situation.
Even with a 50/50 schedule, you will constantly be telling your
friends, like, "Hey, I can't.
I have my kids that day." "Well, what day do you have them?" And
you're explaining your schedule.
"Well, why didn't your kids come?
Why can't your kids just be there?" My big thing with my family was like,
friends and family both, was like, "Why can't you just call him and tell
him we have a special event, and why can't he just give you the kids?"
I don't know.
That sounds great, too.
You wanna try?
Maybe if you call, he would say yes, but if I call, it's a fuck no.
So you're constantly saying like, "Ooh, I have to see if I have my kids or not.
Oh, no, it's a Monday.
Yeah, I don't have my kids on Mondays." "What do you mean you
don't have your kids on Mondays?"
"We have a custody arrangement." "I know, but why can't you just have
them?" " Because we have a schedule." So there's this over-explanation all
the time that you… I didn't see that coming, and it got annoying really fast.
So prepare that a little bit with your bingo card.
know, prepare, like, here are some things people will say around the holidays.
Here's what people will say when you don't have your child on their
birthday, or here's what you say when you don't get invited to something.
Like, this is just the way things are now for you, and you gotta really
wrap your head around it, right?
So people who haven't lived in this think that flexibility should just be a given,
which is what judges tell us to do, right?
"Just be flexible with each other. There's a special event. Let her pick up the
kids." There ain't no fucking way he's letting me pick up those kids, Judge.
Are you kidding me?
Right?
So it's not a legal thing to do to be flexible, and this is the thing, and
again, I know I'm going on tangents, but attorneys will tell you dead
in your face, "Be flexible, Sam.
You've gotta be the flexible one." Okay, Larry, that doesn't make any sense to me.
So you want me to be flexible, give extra time, allow a later pickup, do a little
bit more, you know, pay for that, be flexible, be giving, come across as the
good co-parent, all while I'm being met with hostility, restriction, no, fuck you,
eat shit, and nobody's pulling him over.
And again, role reverse this if you need to.
Nobody's pulling him over and saying, "Hey, you know what you could do?
Be more flexible.
You know what you could do?
Be a little nicer.
You know what you could do?
be kind to her." Nobody's saying that to him.
But everybody's coming to the parent that's regulated.
People will come to the parent that's educated.
People will come to the parent that's trying.
People will come to the parent that exposes that they have
the ability to co-parent.
You will always be told to be the flexible one, and here's where I'll say,
show me where that's written into the parenting plan as a measurable task.
What's the definition of flexibility in our parenting plan?
A day?
An hour?
10 minutes?
$100? $40? If it's not measurable, I'm not fucking doing it.
Sorry, not sorry.
I said what I said.
I'm not fucking Gumby.
I'm not flexing like that.
Because if I flex like that, I'm setting a precedent and a tone that I'm okay
to do that forever, and when I'm not met with that back, I'm not doing that.
I'm not doing that.
We'll get flexible when we get respectful We'll get flexible when we get respectful.
But unless we have respect, we're not flexible.
Unless it's measurable, I'm not doing it.
Unless it's said that I have to, I'm not doing it.
Because if you wanted me to be flexible and have this wishy-washy schedule or
this wishy-washy determination of who pays what or who does what, then you should
have fucking said that, but you didn't.
You gave me this time and him this time, but now you're telling me to be flexible?
No.
The only time I will be flexible is for funerals and one-time occasions
that they did not set the date on, like weddings that are important or a
special event at work that's important.
I'll be flexible when I want to like that.
But that will not happen from the other side, just know that.
I'll be flexible when it benefits the children, not when
it benefits my ex, because they will not ever do that back to me.
And I'm not gonna show my kids that I'm going to get walked all
over, and I'm a people pleaser.
Now, are those moments that, yes, I will do right by my kids and let them
do something with that other parent, and I'll be the greater person.
But I'm allowing it from a kid perspective.
I'm not allowing it 'cause my ex asked me, and I only know that.
Now, my ex thinks they're winning.
That's fine.
I know my true intention of why I'm doing it.
But I'm not gonna allow a judge or an attorney to tell me to be more flexible.
Show me where that's at in the parenting plan.
How… Flexibility?
No.
Not doing that.
Number six, there's no consistency between the homes.
So when you get awarded 50/50, this one's tough, right?
'Cause you're like, again, I go back to that.
When we were married, this is what we did.
This was the bedtime.
This was the food.
This was the iPad usage.
This was the things we went out and did in public.
These were the places we went.
These are the kind of people we allowed around our children.
These were the rules we had.
These were the routines.
These were the expectations.
We get divorced.
Who, who's this?
Whose house is this?
Is this Animal House?
Like, what is going on?
And you are just like, " Holy shit.
How, how are our kids ever going to go from house to house with this house
now being extremely different than this house?" And it's mind-blowing
to you, 'cause you're like, again, They've never allowed kids to do
that, and now it's like freelance.
Kids can do it all the time.
And so it impacts kids differently when one parent just flips and turns and goes
completely different But the thing that I've realized with my clients is the
more consistent your house is at staying steady at whatever it is, it's okay.
And if they stay consistent at being crazy, kids will adapt.
But when they come to your house, they're gonna wanna relax and recoup,
because that house is so crazy.
And that's something I have to equate in, is the crazy at that house, I have to
leave damage control room over in my house for them to rest and come back from crazy.
I can't go full bore when they walk back in the door after coming from crazy
house into, "Okay, now we're doing this and this and this and th-…" Kids are
like, "Whoa, uh, we need to recoup.
We're hungover from chaos.
We're jet lagged.
we need a couple days, okay?
We need a couple days." But consistency in your home is the
only thing you have control over.
Crazyville over there, you have no control over that.
But you need to anticipate that in a 50/50 schedule, your kids are gonna
come back jet lagged, hungover, not literally hopefully, but figuratively.
They're tired.
They're exhausted.
They've been up late.
They haven't pooped.
They're hungry.
They haven't been washed.
They're in the same clothes.
Whatever it is, they're tired.
And they've been hypervigilant on surviving that house, that
when they come to your house, they may treat you a little bad.
They may treat you a little, like, who the hell are these kids?
Their love tank is empty.
They're on E, E, triple E, car shutting down E.
They need a pick-me-up.
They need nurture, love, food, a bath, fresh pair of
underwear, the ability to poop.
That's what your house is.
But if you think you're doing 50/50 and you're like, "We're gonna be
the same at each house," I'm gonna pop that bubble for you real quick.
You're raising the same kids, but in two different environments.
And who your kids are to survive that house is not who they're
gonna show up at your house as.
And I think somebody should have told me that a long time ago.
" Hey, Sam, do you know your kids act different at his house than
yours?" I would've said, "No way.
No way.
I wouldn't think so.
Why?" I didn't understand how bad my house was or how bad his house was on
dysregulation, and so kids were bouncing back and forth from house to house,
completely bothered by both parents.
Now, when I healed and learned all my things, my house became very regulated
while his house was still chaos.
And so when they would come back, I had to get them regulated again just in time
for them to go back over there, right?
And so it was this ping pong ball all the time, and that's just something I didn't
anticipate in a 50/50 dynamic, right?
Last one, the emotional whiplash is real, and we kind of just started
talking about it, but those transition days going from home to home, your kids
will literally walk in unrecognizable.
They will lash out at you.
They will talk shit.
They will be frustrated.
They'll be short, or they'll be the other opposite, which they'll be,
"Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da," you know, "Can I have food?
I need a hug.
Can you touch me?
Can you brush my hair?
Can you hold me?" You know?
And they know how to ask for their love tank to be filled.
But going from house to house is tough, and you're just like I
don't even know how to help you.
Like, oh my gosh, you're so fragile, you're so broken.
But kids shift from home to home.
And so I was teaching some women this morning inside the next chapter, and we
were talking about how are you, how are you physically, mentally, and emotionally
when your kids walk back in that door?
Now, you got a lot of shit going on.
You're stressed about bills, you're stressed about living on your own
for the first time and covering all the things, your job sucks, the court
case is dragging on, your ex is a piece of shit bothering you on OFW.
But how do you present when your kids walk in that door?
And I'm telling you, on a 50/50 schedule, you have to be able to turn it on and
be that person for them, because they are adjusting to the schedule, school.
Life in general is hard as a kid, especially teenagers.
Emotions and hormones and public school and buses, like, all of it is tough.
So there's a lot of emotional whiplash where you're just like, your kid walks
in, says a bunch of shit, and you're like, "The fuck was that? Whoa." You know?
And you don't know where it's coming from because you weren't there.
You have no idea.
And if your kid doesn't tell you about it, you're kinda like piecing together
a puzzle upside down, and you're just looking at the cardboard side.
You don't really know what goes where and how it goes where.
You're like, "Well, this looks like an edge piece. I don't know. I don't know
what edge it goes on." you're frazzled.
It's so hard.
But how are you before they even walk in the door?
Are you alert?
Are you looking at them?
Are you off your phone?
Do you look calm?
Is your heart rate down?
Is the house picked up?
Does it smell good?
Is their room good?
You have to be ready to catch the havoc that's walking in the door.
And if you're havoc and they're havoc, or you're chaos and they're chaos, I mean,
no wonder your household is fucking a disaster, your kids are acting out, you're
all pissy, you're drinking too much.
Like, you gotta get your shit under control to be able to be there for
your kids in this schedule, 'cause it's not for the faint at heart.
Everybody wants this 50/50.
It's, it's great.
Kids can see both parents.
It's awesome, coming from the perspective of an adult who stays
in their own home and sleeps in their own bed every single night.
Yeah, sounds great to you, I'm sure.
But be that kid that has to go sleep in two different beds.
Be that kid that has to go back and forth between emotional, abuse or not.
Be that kid that has to go from having certain foods to not certain foods.
Be that kid that has a nightlight but doesn't have a nightlight.
Be that kid that has friends in this neighborhood, no friends
in this… Be that kid that gets hugged here, not hugged here.
Be that kid that has an iPad here, doesn't have an iPad there.
There's a lot of things that are different for those kids than us
adults sit around saying 50/50's best.
They get to see both parents.
Parents are not created equal.
I said it.
Parents are not created equal We aren't.
There's some of us that have amazing skills at raising kids, and some
of us have a little bit of skills.
There's some of us that can put our shit aside, our own personal shit,
and be amazing, amazing support staff for our kids, and some people
can't But our kids go through emotional whiplash all the time, and
parents are just not created equal.
I have a strong suit, Jared has a strong suit.
It's not the same suit.
He's good at some stuff, I'm good at some stuff.
Now we're together in a marriage But for you guys as singles, one
of you is really… it's easy for you, and one parent struggles.
And a lot of our kids are struggling in that home.
But man, when we're selfish and we're like, "50/50 is the best.
Parents get to see their kids equally." Right, but you're
not the one living that life.
You're not.
Your kid's the one living out of a bag.
Your kid's the one getting shuffled back and forth.
I mean, I have a house down on the beach.
I struggle when I just go sleep in that bed this weekend and then come back to
this bed, 'cause it's two different beds.
Now, again, I'm in my 40s, so my back hurts, my, hips hurt, my back…
You know, my knees are hurt because I'm sleeping in two different beds.
Can you imagine every week switching bed to bed to bed, or every two days bed
to bed, or every three days bed to bed?
Just that alone would be a pain in the ass for me.
But again, I think these are things we really need to think about when
we're thinking about these schedules.
Parents are not created equal, but somehow we keep handing out 50/50 cash is king.
Let's do 50/50.
Works for everybody.
No, it doesn't.
It doesn't.
It doesn't work for all kids.
It really doesn't.
I mean, 50/50 can work, but it has to be really structured,
detailed, and realistic.
And a lot of the problems I said today will be your problems in 50/50.
You at least now know them.
They're on your bingo card.
You got a heads-up on them.
But it isn't about sounding fair.
It's about what actually functionally works.
So you will probably be that parent that has all the financial, that takes
on all the responsibility of planning, that picks up the extra slack, that does
the sick days, You will be that parent.
It's not gonna be 50/50.
It's just not.
It's not.
And you have to be accepting that you won't have resentment
building up, 'cause that'll exude, and your kids will feel that.
You gotta just let it go.
And I'm telling you as somebody that's done 50/50 for years, and then I end
up having sole custody of my children later, and we did a little bit of
that Wednesday and every other weekend before we went to me having them,
50/50 was never 50/50 back in that day.
It wasn't.
I had more time 'cause I took all the sick time.
I took care of them all summer because he did not wanna take any time off work,
and he had a job that worked year-round.
And I did the vacations, so I had more time.
I did the sick days, so I had more time.
I paid for the things 'cause the kids didn't wanna bring up money with him.
It was never 50/50.
And had I had resentment about that, that would've spewed over into my children.
So you have to be very mindful that you just accept that you are the one, and
you know what's magical about this, and I'll tie this up now Kids absorb that.
Kids know that you are the one.
You're the soft one.
You're the approachable one.
You're the trustworthy one.
You're the consistent one.
You're the one that doesn't bitch about money.
You're the one that helps out.
You're the one that shows up.
You're the one that just does it.
And you know what they keep doing?
Calling you for the next 40 years, coming to see you for the next 40 years, sending
you flowers for the next 40 years, washing your truck with you for the next 40 years.
You'll still be in their life because of the work you're doing now, even
with a 50/50 schedule, because I see a lot of parents hold a lot
of resentment and say, "Well, they wanted 50/50, so they need to do it."
But will they?
Will they?
It's so hard.
And for some of you, you have to let your child see that they don't show
up, see that they don't do that.
But then your child still needs a parent, and so do you still
show up, and you still do that.
It's a balance.
But I'm on the other half of this, coming from perspective, and I'm here
to say even with a 50/50 schedule and even with 50/50 joint decision-making,
you will still be the one because you're not equal to that other parent.
You're better, and that's okay