1 00:00:00,049 --> 00:00:05,149 All right, everyone loves the idea of 50/50 custody until 2 00:00:05,482 --> 00:00:06,600 they actually are living it. 3 00:00:06,680 --> 00:00:09,480 And I'm just gonna say this real quick before we get too into this. 4 00:00:10,078 --> 00:00:15,126 One of you didn't want 50/50, but you got awarded 50/50, and your case is 5 00:00:15,126 --> 00:00:17,866 most likely how it really happened. 6 00:00:18,409 --> 00:00:22,496 But here we are, we're in 50/50, or it's on the table to be discussed, 7 00:00:22,526 --> 00:00:26,866 or your attorney is pushing you into 50/50, or your ex is demanding 50/50. 8 00:00:27,507 --> 00:00:31,876 So not everybody really loves the idea of 50/50, and today I'm kind of breaking 9 00:00:31,876 --> 00:00:37,866 down what those details are that need to be mentioned even if you are doing 10 00:00:37,866 --> 00:00:42,036 50/50, 'cause there's this brainwashing that has come over family court that 11 00:00:42,036 --> 00:00:45,415 thinks that 50/50 erases all conflict. 12 00:00:46,035 --> 00:00:49,715 And nothing could be further from the truth, and I actually tend to err on 13 00:00:49,715 --> 00:00:53,285 the side of 50/50 creates more problems. 14 00:00:53,758 --> 00:00:55,478 And I'm gonna get into that, right? 15 00:00:55,748 --> 00:01:00,928 So if you don't have details in your parenting plan, every single one of 16 00:01:00,928 --> 00:01:05,538 these that I'm gonna talk about today, all seven of them, are gonna create you 17 00:01:05,708 --> 00:01:08,428 either more problems or financial loss. 18 00:01:08,468 --> 00:01:12,888 And by financial loss, I mean having to go back to court to fix said 19 00:01:12,888 --> 00:01:15,456 problem that was not detailedly written into parenting plan. 20 00:01:15,846 --> 00:01:16,146 All right? 21 00:01:16,426 --> 00:01:20,330 So first and foremost, again, everybody's looking for that 50/50 22 00:01:20,330 --> 00:01:24,589 custody agreement and visitation schedule, but the number one thing to understand 23 00:01:24,589 --> 00:01:28,103 about it is the schedule is not 50/50. 24 00:01:28,884 --> 00:01:29,974 It's just really not. 25 00:01:30,394 --> 00:01:34,784 And again, some of you are divorcing high-conflict people that want 26 00:01:34,974 --> 00:01:40,066 everything down to the minute the same, and it's just not that way. 27 00:01:40,566 --> 00:01:46,596 And high-conflict people will also throw a fit if you take a holiday or 28 00:01:46,596 --> 00:01:48,476 take time from them for a holiday. 29 00:01:48,798 --> 00:01:51,818 So for example, when I'm recording this, we just got done with Mother's Day. 30 00:01:52,423 --> 00:01:58,193 And so there was a lot of upset fathers out there who had standard visitation 31 00:01:58,223 --> 00:02:03,413 every other weekend as their schedule, but they lost the whole weekend or Saturday 32 00:02:03,413 --> 00:02:06,483 to Sunday or just Sunday to the mother. 33 00:02:07,072 --> 00:02:09,554 And they're pissed off about it, because in their mind, 34 00:02:09,554 --> 00:02:10,814 two things probably happened. 35 00:02:10,814 --> 00:02:13,884 Number one, they lost time with their children, they're upset about that, or 36 00:02:13,884 --> 00:02:19,164 number two, they're fearful because they don't understand that this does happen, 37 00:02:19,387 --> 00:02:23,933 and now she got more time that week than he did, and he gets pissed off about it. 38 00:02:24,233 --> 00:02:27,373 Now, the same thing will happen during Father's Day weekend, that it's possibly 39 00:02:27,373 --> 00:02:30,463 the mother's weekend and she's gonna lose time because it's Father's Day. 40 00:02:31,253 --> 00:02:33,953 And those two usually wash each other out. 41 00:02:34,562 --> 00:02:41,282 But 50/50 does not necessarily mean that it's exactly the same every 42 00:02:41,442 --> 00:02:44,372 weekend or every day or every month. 43 00:02:44,372 --> 00:02:48,162 Some months may be heavier on mom, some months may be heavier on dad. 44 00:02:48,527 --> 00:02:53,037 It's not always 50/50, but you have people out there that will lose their 45 00:02:53,037 --> 00:02:56,787 God-forsaken mind if it's not down to the minute of equal split holidays. 46 00:02:57,097 --> 00:03:01,537 And also, holidays are one thing that will shift it away from 50/50 exactly. 47 00:03:01,717 --> 00:03:04,867 But then next year, it'll probably wash itself out with the other parent getting 48 00:03:04,867 --> 00:03:07,607 that time back, but they have to wait a whole year to get that time back, 49 00:03:07,607 --> 00:03:09,607 and some of them don't understand that. 50 00:03:10,290 --> 00:03:11,740 Vacations will shift. 51 00:03:11,990 --> 00:03:14,910 I am somebody that took my kids on a lot of vacations because I was a teacher. 52 00:03:14,910 --> 00:03:15,710 I had the summers off. 53 00:03:15,710 --> 00:03:16,320 It was possible. 54 00:03:16,320 --> 00:03:19,080 I had a lot of family in a lot of places, so it was a lot of cheap vacations. 55 00:03:19,470 --> 00:03:22,670 But my ex didn't take my kids on vacation, so in his mind, he was 56 00:03:22,670 --> 00:03:26,640 losing the 50/50 schedule because of my vacations, but those don't get calculated 57 00:03:26,640 --> 00:03:28,330 into your visitation schedule, guys. 58 00:03:28,330 --> 00:03:33,359 Those are just an additional two times, additional times for you to have, right? 59 00:03:33,899 --> 00:03:36,359 Sick kids may change the schedule. 60 00:03:36,639 --> 00:03:38,839 You may have a kid in the hospital for a little bit. 61 00:03:38,839 --> 00:03:40,339 Now you're not getting that overnight. 62 00:03:40,339 --> 00:03:43,359 Your kids may go on vacation with somebody if you allow that. 63 00:03:43,359 --> 00:03:44,299 That's not getting their time. 64 00:03:44,609 --> 00:03:47,749 We just had a case this morning with one of my clients where one of her 65 00:03:47,749 --> 00:03:50,599 children out of the three is going with grandma, so now that parent 66 00:03:50,599 --> 00:03:52,039 doesn't get that visitation time. 67 00:03:52,263 --> 00:03:55,589 Your kids go to camps in the summer and spend the night at the camp, and 68 00:03:55,589 --> 00:03:57,039 now that parent's not getting time. 69 00:03:57,789 --> 00:04:02,539 There are all kinds of scenarios where 50/50 just isn't 50/50. 70 00:04:02,539 --> 00:04:07,229 One parent always ends up with a little bit more during this season, and then this 71 00:04:07,229 --> 00:04:08,999 parent ends up more during this season. 72 00:04:09,579 --> 00:04:13,919 Or sometimes, honest truth, one parent just ends up with more time because 73 00:04:13,919 --> 00:04:17,679 maybe the other parent doesn't want the time and just wanted it on paper. 74 00:04:18,475 --> 00:04:23,874 So 50/50 is a legal structure, but it's not a lived reality It's what's 75 00:04:23,874 --> 00:04:29,274 legally on paper, but for most of you listening, it won't end up that 76 00:04:29,274 --> 00:04:32,214 way in practicality day-to-day use. 77 00:04:32,994 --> 00:04:33,854 It just won't. 78 00:04:34,747 --> 00:04:36,237 So be prepared for that. 79 00:04:36,597 --> 00:04:39,527 One of you will do the heavy lifting, and if you're here, 80 00:04:39,777 --> 00:04:41,547 it's probably gonna be you. 81 00:04:42,307 --> 00:04:46,397 Number two, this is one that's gonna probably get me in hot water, but 82 00:04:46,397 --> 00:04:50,327 money is never split 50/50, ever. 83 00:04:51,017 --> 00:04:53,887 There's things that are probably not accounted for in your shitty 84 00:04:53,887 --> 00:04:57,177 parenting plan written by Larry the lawyer, who wants you just to come 85 00:04:57,177 --> 00:04:58,787 back and spend more money with him. 86 00:04:59,227 --> 00:05:04,257 So he probably didn't account for certain things, which again, I've read hundreds 87 00:05:04,257 --> 00:05:08,827 of thousands of parenting plans written by Larrys, and they're written so piss 88 00:05:08,827 --> 00:05:13,107 poor and so vague, and it's left for interpretation of whether a parent 89 00:05:13,107 --> 00:05:18,726 has to pay for something or doesn't by all the vague, gray-worded verbiage 90 00:05:18,986 --> 00:05:25,091 that parents are left with the whole discussion of, are we talking about this? 91 00:05:25,491 --> 00:05:26,941 Are we splitting this? 92 00:05:26,941 --> 00:05:29,651 Is this a cost that you have to have and I have to have? 93 00:05:29,651 --> 00:05:30,811 Are we sharing this cost? 94 00:05:30,811 --> 00:05:31,341 What is this? 95 00:05:31,871 --> 00:05:36,211 And so money is never 50/50, which is the whole precedent that some parents 96 00:05:36,211 --> 00:05:40,284 wanted, is that they don't wanna have to pay child support, that they just 97 00:05:40,284 --> 00:05:43,964 think if they can get 50/50 visitation that now, okay, you take care of 98 00:05:43,964 --> 00:05:45,334 my house, I take care of your… 99 00:05:45,334 --> 00:05:47,274 You know, I take care of my house, you take care of your house, 100 00:05:47,274 --> 00:05:50,014 which is true, and you should, but here's the deal with that. 101 00:05:50,293 --> 00:05:52,144 There are so many things. 102 00:05:52,784 --> 00:05:53,434 Write this down. 103 00:05:54,203 --> 00:05:59,859 There are so many things that are not at each other's homes that 104 00:05:59,859 --> 00:06:01,529 your children need money for. 105 00:06:02,467 --> 00:06:03,327 Think about this. 106 00:06:03,837 --> 00:06:08,087 Not everything that costs money happens inside of my home. 107 00:06:08,568 --> 00:06:12,067 So if I want the child to have a new book bag, I will buy a new book bag. 108 00:06:12,067 --> 00:06:14,427 If I want the child to have a new coat, I'll buy a new coat. 109 00:06:14,427 --> 00:06:15,807 If the child needs food, I'll buy food. 110 00:06:15,837 --> 00:06:17,147 All that could be in my house. 111 00:06:17,727 --> 00:06:19,797 But what about things that are outside of the home? 112 00:06:20,795 --> 00:06:22,315 What about those extracurriculars? 113 00:06:22,455 --> 00:06:24,015 What about that school lunch? 114 00:06:24,055 --> 00:06:25,625 What about registration for school? 115 00:06:25,625 --> 00:06:27,715 What about that copay at that doctor's office? 116 00:06:28,345 --> 00:06:29,525 There are so many things. 117 00:06:29,525 --> 00:06:32,115 Yearbooks, summer camp, daycare. 118 00:06:32,492 --> 00:06:37,345 There are so many things that are not in each other's homes. 119 00:06:38,614 --> 00:06:40,794 So it's not 50/50. 120 00:06:41,364 --> 00:06:44,894 Because if those things were not mentioned in your parenting plan, 121 00:06:45,472 --> 00:06:48,602 shameless plug, we mention all of those things in the parenting plan 122 00:06:48,602 --> 00:06:50,272 that we custom-build for our clients. 123 00:06:51,529 --> 00:06:55,089 But all those things are left off the table intentionally or 124 00:06:55,089 --> 00:06:59,059 unintentionally by Larry the lawyer, and then what's that leave? 125 00:06:59,059 --> 00:07:00,389 It leaves one of two options. 126 00:07:00,389 --> 00:07:03,539 Number one, you argue with your ex about who's gonna pay for what or splitting 127 00:07:03,539 --> 00:07:06,309 the cost, or number two, you take them back to court to try to get that money. 128 00:07:06,309 --> 00:07:08,229 Both things I don't think you wanna be doing. 129 00:07:08,549 --> 00:07:10,789 You don't wanna be arguing, and you sure as hell don't wanna be 130 00:07:10,789 --> 00:07:12,049 wasting money to go get money. 131 00:07:12,730 --> 00:07:17,370 But the reality is one of you will always think ahead, one of you will 132 00:07:17,370 --> 00:07:20,650 remember, one of you will plan, and one of you will be paying. 133 00:07:21,302 --> 00:07:22,512 Now, I have hindsight. 134 00:07:22,542 --> 00:07:23,112 Do you wanna hear it? 135 00:07:24,042 --> 00:07:24,692 Just pay for it. 136 00:07:25,510 --> 00:07:26,570 Just fucking pay for it. 137 00:07:27,250 --> 00:07:30,350 And if you're on the boat of like, "That's not fair. The other parent 138 00:07:30,350 --> 00:07:34,600 should have to participate," well, I mean, I can get some popcorn and watch 139 00:07:34,600 --> 00:07:36,990 this shit show, 'cause that's what it's gonna be to try to get that money. 140 00:07:38,038 --> 00:07:41,208 I have learned over the years in my personal journey and with clients, 141 00:07:41,298 --> 00:07:46,628 when you are divorced from a severely narcissistic, high-conflict personality 142 00:07:46,628 --> 00:07:50,248 disorder, psychopath, sociopath, insert whatever diagnosis you want to, I don't 143 00:07:50,248 --> 00:07:56,448 care, but somebody that is the root of money is the problem about everything, 144 00:07:56,448 --> 00:07:57,818 like everything comes back to money. 145 00:07:58,095 --> 00:08:01,864 If you are divorced from that person- I'm telling you right 146 00:08:01,864 --> 00:08:03,124 now, go get a second J-O-B. 147 00:08:03,844 --> 00:08:08,954 Find a way to pay because if you think going after them for the lunch account 148 00:08:09,014 --> 00:08:11,874 is worth it, it'll cost you thousands to get the hundreds that you owe. 149 00:08:12,727 --> 00:08:14,327 Have grandma start paying for lunch. 150 00:08:14,437 --> 00:08:16,087 Hell, you might even qualify for free lunch. 151 00:08:16,087 --> 00:08:16,607 Who knows? 152 00:08:17,070 --> 00:08:20,550 But I'm telling you right now, if you think 50/50 visitation 153 00:08:20,550 --> 00:08:25,764 makes it 50/50 on payments, flash alert here, that's not true. 154 00:08:26,427 --> 00:08:30,997 Financial responsibility usually falls on one responsible parent. 155 00:08:31,267 --> 00:08:32,727 Because here's the other half of this, guys. 156 00:08:32,949 --> 00:08:38,949 Your kids know, they understand, they can feel, they can sense, or 157 00:08:38,949 --> 00:08:43,907 they've been told that that parent cares about money, and that parent has 158 00:08:43,907 --> 00:08:48,406 talked to them about money, and has pressured them about money, and makes 159 00:08:48,406 --> 00:08:50,036 them feel a certain way about money. 160 00:08:50,643 --> 00:08:54,273 And those kids will never go and say, "Hey, I want a yearbook this year. 161 00:08:54,313 --> 00:08:55,549 do you think we can get a yearbook? 162 00:08:55,999 --> 00:08:58,469 Hey, I'd like to get a letterman's coat. 163 00:08:58,499 --> 00:09:00,377 Hey, I'd like to upgrade this. 164 00:09:00,377 --> 00:09:03,969 Hey, they're having a field trip and it costs $7." If you think 165 00:09:03,969 --> 00:09:06,980 your children don't already know what parent to go to and not go 166 00:09:06,980 --> 00:09:09,855 to, news alert, they understand. 167 00:09:10,115 --> 00:09:11,575 They know that parent's high-conflict. 168 00:09:11,675 --> 00:09:13,375 They know that parent's pissy about money. 169 00:09:13,785 --> 00:09:16,515 They know, and that's why they keep coming to you. 170 00:09:16,782 --> 00:09:20,325 But then you send over that text message like, "Hey, it's $7 for the field trip. 171 00:09:20,364 --> 00:09:24,014 you owe $350." And then that child's like, "Are you fucking kidding me? 172 00:09:24,624 --> 00:09:27,054 I don't want you to tell them about that because the second I 173 00:09:27,054 --> 00:09:29,794 go over to their house, they're gonna bitch at me about $350. 174 00:09:30,404 --> 00:09:32,336 Ugh." That was my kids. 175 00:09:33,012 --> 00:09:33,602 That was my kids. 176 00:09:34,542 --> 00:09:36,602 They were like, "Can you just get…" Like, it would be his 177 00:09:36,602 --> 00:09:38,876 weekend at a softball game. 178 00:09:39,370 --> 00:09:42,290 I would see my two children at said softball game. 179 00:09:42,390 --> 00:09:43,160 It's his weekend. 180 00:09:43,737 --> 00:09:45,477 And they would come up and they'd be like, "Hi, Mom. 181 00:09:45,477 --> 00:09:48,697 Can you give us $5 for the concession stand, but don't make it s- don't 182 00:09:48,697 --> 00:09:50,497 let him see that you're giving us $5? 183 00:09:50,943 --> 00:09:52,747 But we want something," and he says no. 184 00:09:53,177 --> 00:09:54,427 He says he doesn't have money for that. 185 00:09:54,787 --> 00:09:57,277 "So can you just give us $5?" And they're, like, talking, like, "Don't, 186 00:09:57,377 --> 00:10:01,247 don't…" So I'm, like, sneaking them a $5 bill, and then they wait till, 187 00:10:01,247 --> 00:10:03,247 like, he goes to the bathroom, and then they go to the concession stand, 188 00:10:03,247 --> 00:10:04,267 then they go hide and eat it, so. 189 00:10:04,887 --> 00:10:08,577 It was just, like, this constant thing with money. 190 00:10:09,259 --> 00:10:12,013 So if your kids you don't think your kids know that, they do. 191 00:10:12,403 --> 00:10:12,683 All right? 192 00:10:12,683 --> 00:10:12,893 They do. 193 00:10:12,893 --> 00:10:14,653 But it'll never be fair in 50/50. 194 00:10:14,653 --> 00:10:17,523 Just know that going into it, and know that one of you will be financially 195 00:10:17,523 --> 00:10:19,803 responsible and one of you will not be. 196 00:10:20,424 --> 00:10:21,764 Number three, decision-making. 197 00:10:22,166 --> 00:10:26,176 Decision-making is constant friction. 198 00:10:26,646 --> 00:10:27,186 Constant. 199 00:10:27,416 --> 00:10:28,156 Not a little bit. 200 00:10:28,346 --> 00:10:29,596 Not a every once in a while. 201 00:10:30,076 --> 00:10:32,586 Constant friction in 50/50. 202 00:10:33,884 --> 00:10:37,274 Because most judges and Larry the lawyer will write a shitty parenting 203 00:10:37,274 --> 00:10:41,019 plan that will just say, " Parties will agree on all major decisions jointly." 204 00:10:43,032 --> 00:10:43,502 Cool. 205 00:10:44,069 --> 00:10:45,629 What does that actually look like to do that? 206 00:10:46,131 --> 00:10:47,041 Is it me calling him? 207 00:10:47,751 --> 00:10:48,861 Is it me typing to him? 208 00:10:49,341 --> 00:10:51,201 Is it her sending a message over? 209 00:10:51,201 --> 00:10:53,412 W- what does that really look like? 210 00:10:53,927 --> 00:10:55,577 It's not written in your parenting plan what it looks like. 211 00:10:56,598 --> 00:11:01,066 So, then kids are torn with, "Who do I ask?" The school is 212 00:11:01,066 --> 00:11:02,906 like, "Who do I respond to? 213 00:11:03,466 --> 00:11:10,463 Who gets this call?" There is no way to do 50/50 in a high conflict dynamic. 214 00:11:11,036 --> 00:11:14,006 So what do we do in our parenting plan that we custom-build for clients? 215 00:11:14,476 --> 00:11:17,556 We simply take every major decision that's going to come up in your child's 216 00:11:17,556 --> 00:11:19,416 life, and we make the determination now. 217 00:11:20,128 --> 00:11:20,328 Now. 218 00:11:20,328 --> 00:11:21,158 You're already fighting. 219 00:11:21,538 --> 00:11:22,368 You're already battling. 220 00:11:22,478 --> 00:11:23,488 You're already spending money. 221 00:11:23,848 --> 00:11:27,278 Let's spend a little bit more and write out all those decisions 222 00:11:27,278 --> 00:11:28,288 all the way to graduation. 223 00:11:29,068 --> 00:11:29,668 That's what we do. 224 00:11:30,198 --> 00:11:33,028 Because if you don't write them out now, and it just says, "Parties will later 225 00:11:33,028 --> 00:11:36,538 determine everything, major decision and for the child's life together 226 00:11:36,538 --> 00:11:41,208 jointly," that literally says, "You will fight and argue, bitch and moan. 227 00:11:41,208 --> 00:11:44,248 Your children will ride the effect of that from now until your child 228 00:11:44,248 --> 00:11:49,818 graduates, and or, or including too, you will spend an ass load of money to 229 00:11:49,818 --> 00:11:51,678 come back and fix this shitty wording." 230 00:11:52,374 --> 00:11:53,354 That's what it should say. 231 00:11:54,014 --> 00:11:55,324 "Don't worry, you have joint. 232 00:11:55,464 --> 00:11:56,064 You'll be back. 233 00:11:56,743 --> 00:11:59,923 Here's a free bonus, uh, parking pass for three visits because you'll be 234 00:11:59,923 --> 00:12:04,449 back." That's what that should say because a lot of you will have to spend 235 00:12:04,449 --> 00:12:09,239 more money to go fix that statement, or a lot of you will just let your 236 00:12:09,239 --> 00:12:15,366 high-conflict ex run the show because you're broke, you're beat down, and you're 237 00:12:15,366 --> 00:12:19,516 frustrated, and you don't feel like going back because you're mentally beat up 238 00:12:19,516 --> 00:12:21,217 already, and it's not worth it to you. 239 00:12:21,785 --> 00:12:25,925 So the high-conflict parent will then just stomp on you about everything, 240 00:12:25,925 --> 00:12:28,815 and they will be in the power, and they will have the control, and 241 00:12:28,815 --> 00:12:30,075 they will determine what happens. 242 00:12:30,532 --> 00:12:35,780 I've seen this since I started this job over and over and over again. 243 00:12:36,230 --> 00:12:40,580 A shitty parenting plan about joint decision-making ends in money loss, 244 00:12:40,830 --> 00:12:44,610 children being ill affected, and the high-conflict parent running the 245 00:12:44,610 --> 00:12:46,869 fucking show That's what happens. 246 00:12:47,229 --> 00:12:48,209 That's the reality. 247 00:12:49,151 --> 00:12:52,498 That's what attorneys and judges need to hear, is that you think you're doing 248 00:12:52,498 --> 00:12:56,268 somebody a favor by just saying, "You guys need to work together. You need 249 00:12:56,268 --> 00:12:59,161 to do what's best interest for the child. You need to come together to make 250 00:12:59,237 --> 00:13:01,580 determination." Okay, well, you know what? 251 00:13:01,610 --> 00:13:06,380 All the divorces back in the '50s, '60s, '70s, '80s, '90s, and early 2000s, they 252 00:13:06,380 --> 00:13:07,920 picked who gets to make the decisions. 253 00:13:08,464 --> 00:13:08,994 They picked. 254 00:13:09,764 --> 00:13:14,004 And then we got on this wild goose chase of 50/50 decision-making between 255 00:13:14,004 --> 00:13:16,214 two people that don't like each other. 256 00:13:17,253 --> 00:13:18,293 That don't like each other. 257 00:13:18,966 --> 00:13:23,586 And now we don't like each other, so much so, so much so, that we're gonna 258 00:13:23,586 --> 00:13:29,651 break the sanctity of marriage and end a marriage, but somehow we're gonna have 259 00:13:30,051 --> 00:13:32,231 coffees on Tuesdays and work together. 260 00:13:32,908 --> 00:13:34,448 That's a very small percentage of people. 261 00:13:35,218 --> 00:13:37,838 But family court is based on a very small percentage of people 262 00:13:38,188 --> 00:13:41,888 that are amicable, that get along, that, can do better for each other. 263 00:13:42,698 --> 00:13:46,073 But a lot of us are dealing with people that are not okay, people 264 00:13:46,073 --> 00:13:49,373 that are damaged, and because of their damage, they just keep abusing 265 00:13:49,373 --> 00:13:53,013 us or hurting us or lashing out at us or punishing us or whatever. 266 00:13:53,213 --> 00:13:54,513 We can't work with those people. 267 00:13:55,022 --> 00:13:55,802 They're irrational. 268 00:13:56,359 --> 00:14:00,271 I've seen cases where people have been pro-vaccination. 269 00:14:00,882 --> 00:14:04,339 The second they get divorced, all of a sudden, nope, not 270 00:14:04,339 --> 00:14:05,589 doing that at all anymore. 271 00:14:06,679 --> 00:14:11,103 I've seen people not step one foot into a church for 10 years. 272 00:14:11,363 --> 00:14:14,735 The second they get divorced, they want everything in church. 273 00:14:15,125 --> 00:14:18,005 And again, I'm not saying you're not allowed to change your mind, 274 00:14:18,755 --> 00:14:23,360 but there are some people that make those drastic changes of opinion just 275 00:14:23,360 --> 00:14:27,730 because your ex wants to stay on the same path of maybe always vaccinating 276 00:14:27,960 --> 00:14:29,240 or maybe not going to church. 277 00:14:29,710 --> 00:14:33,850 And they'll pick something just the polar opposite to cause friction. 278 00:14:34,335 --> 00:14:38,255 But again, maybe they are getting divorced because somebody feels a 279 00:14:38,255 --> 00:14:41,605 certain way about vaccinations, or maybe somebody does feel a certain way about 280 00:14:41,605 --> 00:14:43,932 faith now and wants to go, 10 toes in. 281 00:14:44,360 --> 00:14:47,930 Not saying that's wrong, but how can a family court system say, on these two 282 00:14:47,930 --> 00:14:54,046 subjects of medical and religion, you will come together and make a common choice? 283 00:14:54,286 --> 00:14:58,416 Well, the two examples I'm giving you are pretty polar opposite. 284 00:14:58,969 --> 00:15:00,269 There's not a middle ground. 285 00:15:00,900 --> 00:15:04,150 But here family court is, handing us all 50/50 and saying, 286 00:15:04,600 --> 00:15:06,494 "You can do it." No, we can't. 287 00:15:07,102 --> 00:15:09,002 Otherwise, why'd we hire these overpriced attorneys? 288 00:15:09,422 --> 00:15:11,192 Why'd we spend two years trying to figure this out? 289 00:15:11,192 --> 00:15:13,776 Why'd we spend eight days in court, right? 290 00:15:14,426 --> 00:15:18,731 So you can't just decide that you want everything to be 50/50 and write it 291 00:15:18,731 --> 00:15:22,121 down that we'll later determine, we'll later talk about, we'll later discuss. 292 00:15:22,121 --> 00:15:23,151 Parties will get together. 293 00:15:23,151 --> 00:15:24,241 Parties will have coffee. 294 00:15:24,241 --> 00:15:25,761 Parties will jointly, jointly, jointly. 295 00:15:25,761 --> 00:15:27,711 That doesn't work. 296 00:15:28,298 --> 00:15:28,958 It doesn't work. 297 00:15:29,414 --> 00:15:35,524 So even small decisions in a 50/50 agreement are going to end in conflict. 298 00:15:36,374 --> 00:15:39,456 In the end of all of that, who pays the biggest price? 299 00:15:39,736 --> 00:15:41,836 I mean, we do financially in court, right? 300 00:15:42,106 --> 00:15:44,086 But who's paying the emotional price? 301 00:15:44,086 --> 00:15:48,946 Who's paying the physical, beat down, psychological cost of that? 302 00:15:49,709 --> 00:15:52,526 Our children, because they watch us go broke. 303 00:15:53,026 --> 00:15:54,206 They see us frustrated. 304 00:15:54,326 --> 00:15:55,426 They see us frazzled. 305 00:15:55,702 --> 00:15:57,246 They see us walking on eggshells. 306 00:15:57,246 --> 00:15:59,166 They see us doing court case work. 307 00:15:59,368 --> 00:16:00,218 they feel it. 308 00:16:00,695 --> 00:16:04,965 And it's all because someone in a black robe said, "You know what, you two been 309 00:16:04,965 --> 00:16:08,045 fighting here for two years. I'm gonna teach you a lesson. I'm gonna give you 310 00:16:08,045 --> 00:16:11,125 50/50 decision-making." What the fuck? 311 00:16:11,125 --> 00:16:12,475 Is this like an oxymoron? 312 00:16:13,285 --> 00:16:14,435 That's not gonna work. 313 00:16:14,725 --> 00:16:16,725 I might as well just start paying my retainer for the next 314 00:16:16,725 --> 00:16:18,505 round of arguments right now. 315 00:16:19,248 --> 00:16:22,698 So if you think 50/50 is gonna get you out of paying money for 316 00:16:22,698 --> 00:16:24,478 child support, that might be true. 317 00:16:25,048 --> 00:16:27,058 If it's gonna get you out of going back to court and arguing 318 00:16:27,058 --> 00:16:28,498 about shit, that's not true. 319 00:16:29,358 --> 00:16:30,008 You will be back. 320 00:16:30,008 --> 00:16:34,548 Number four, and again, these are seven things that just happen with 50/50, 321 00:16:35,165 --> 00:16:37,055 and this one's an emotional one, okay? 322 00:16:37,055 --> 00:16:38,125 So get ready. 323 00:16:39,203 --> 00:16:42,984 You will miss moments that had you stayed married, you 324 00:16:42,984 --> 00:16:44,094 probably wouldn't have missed. 325 00:16:45,256 --> 00:16:48,849 And the first couple times this happens, it's hard. 326 00:16:49,594 --> 00:16:50,044 It's hard. 327 00:16:50,807 --> 00:16:54,441 You'll miss moments of school events that maybe you're not allowed 328 00:16:54,441 --> 00:16:56,081 to go to school on those days. 329 00:16:56,081 --> 00:16:58,131 Again, that's a shitty written parenting plan, by the way. 330 00:16:58,131 --> 00:17:00,121 You should be able- allowed to be at school any day of the week, 331 00:17:00,751 --> 00:17:01,921 even when it's not your visitation. 332 00:17:02,462 --> 00:17:05,121 But maybe you have to work, and your ex won't send you a copy. 333 00:17:05,691 --> 00:17:07,621 You're gonna find a workaround, by the way, and find somebody 334 00:17:07,621 --> 00:17:08,511 else to send you a copy. 335 00:17:08,850 --> 00:17:11,920 You won't get to keep all the awards that they get, 'cause half of them, if not 336 00:17:11,950 --> 00:17:14,960 all of them, will be snuck off by the high-conflict parent and put on a wall. 337 00:17:15,698 --> 00:17:18,018 You won't be able to help with all the science projects or the school 338 00:17:18,018 --> 00:17:20,303 projects or fair or anything like that. 339 00:17:20,811 --> 00:17:24,621 And all the little things, like the first tooth getting lost, the first haircuts, 340 00:17:24,801 --> 00:17:29,641 the first field trips, the first time seeing something, you won't be there. 341 00:17:29,741 --> 00:17:32,591 You might miss their first steps or their first words. 342 00:17:33,083 --> 00:17:34,883 You won't be there for all of it. 343 00:17:35,351 --> 00:17:38,717 I mean, you had your kids 100%, you went down 50%. 344 00:17:38,717 --> 00:17:39,987 You didn't go down 10%. 345 00:17:40,284 --> 00:17:43,366 You didn't go down to 80 You went down to 50%. 346 00:17:43,366 --> 00:17:46,766 Half of their life you are now going to not be included on. 347 00:17:47,028 --> 00:17:48,798 But a week ago, you were 100%. 348 00:17:49,231 --> 00:17:53,132 So for anybody that thinks that's an easy pill to swallow, it's not. 349 00:17:53,912 --> 00:17:55,194 I lost three days of my life. 350 00:17:56,254 --> 00:18:01,134 I had my court case drug out eight days, 43 witnesses. 351 00:18:01,729 --> 00:18:03,624 Got our judgment in April. 352 00:18:04,084 --> 00:18:09,136 Standing in my office, my attorney called and said, "Are you alone?" And 353 00:18:09,136 --> 00:18:12,836 I said, "No, I have people standing around me." "Well, when you get 354 00:18:12,836 --> 00:18:16,493 home, get your mom and your dad, and I'm gonna tell you the findings." 355 00:18:16,493 --> 00:18:20,557 And of course, I was like, "Pssh, tell me now." I blacked out when he 356 00:18:20,557 --> 00:18:22,734 said, "You have 50/50." I blacked out. 357 00:18:23,591 --> 00:18:25,021 Luckily, people with me called my mom. 358 00:18:25,021 --> 00:18:26,991 She came and got me, and I remember getting in her car, but I didn't 359 00:18:26,991 --> 00:18:27,921 remember where we were going. 360 00:18:27,921 --> 00:18:31,929 And I lost three days of my li- like, I was in a comatose of, what happened? 361 00:18:31,959 --> 00:18:35,664 I don't remember those three days because it was news that I was not prepared 362 00:18:35,664 --> 00:18:42,762 for, and I knew I just went from seeing my children every single day to 50%. 363 00:18:42,802 --> 00:18:46,502 Half of the time with them was just taken from me, and I knew who I was 364 00:18:46,502 --> 00:18:51,447 divorcing was never going to let me see them extra, be there, go over, hang out. 365 00:18:51,707 --> 00:18:52,547 We were not those people. 366 00:18:53,317 --> 00:18:54,467 It's a hard one to swallow. 367 00:18:55,072 --> 00:19:00,202 Anybody that tells you to get over it, or it's easy, or just let it go, fuck you. 368 00:19:01,259 --> 00:19:04,039 I didn't have kids to see them 50% of the time. 369 00:19:04,736 --> 00:19:05,166 I didn't. 370 00:19:06,016 --> 00:19:09,692 I wanted to be their mom every day, and when that gets taken from you, whether 371 00:19:09,692 --> 00:19:14,238 your choice, your doing, or another side, it's not easy to deal with. 372 00:19:14,898 --> 00:19:15,298 It's not. 373 00:19:15,843 --> 00:19:17,483 So it's a hard one. 374 00:19:18,065 --> 00:19:21,655 But missing those moments, you gotta figure out workarounds. 375 00:19:21,655 --> 00:19:25,077 You gotta figure out having people help you, take videos for you when you can't 376 00:19:25,077 --> 00:19:29,123 be there, make copies of things, the second tooth is just as important as the 377 00:19:29,123 --> 00:19:31,846 first tooth, And you make it a big deal. 378 00:19:31,876 --> 00:19:33,774 Hell, you know, the last tooth is important. 379 00:19:34,214 --> 00:19:38,814 You find ways to celebrate half birthdays, and do-overs, and your own 380 00:19:38,814 --> 00:19:42,984 things, and you hang as much on the wall that you can get, whatever it is. 381 00:19:42,984 --> 00:19:46,413 But this is hard to absorb that you're gonna miss things. 382 00:19:46,413 --> 00:19:50,443 I saw a video just yesterday or maybe it was this morning of a woman crying 383 00:19:50,443 --> 00:19:55,973 her eyes out because her ex cut their baby's hair and cut all the curls off. 384 00:19:56,509 --> 00:19:57,379 I can feel that. 385 00:19:57,929 --> 00:20:02,279 I felt her pain in that video because she missed the curls 386 00:20:02,279 --> 00:20:03,579 getting cut, and she didn't get one. 387 00:20:03,689 --> 00:20:05,379 Like, nobody kept any hair to give to her, right? 388 00:20:05,891 --> 00:20:09,489 Now, can she grow his hair out just a little bit, go it, get it cut, and witness 389 00:20:09,489 --> 00:20:10,519 that whole thing for the second time? 390 00:20:10,519 --> 00:20:10,819 Sure. 391 00:20:11,119 --> 00:20:11,429 You know? 392 00:20:11,699 --> 00:20:13,219 But there's emotion behind things. 393 00:20:13,559 --> 00:20:16,739 So get ready for 50/50s. 394 00:20:16,739 --> 00:20:19,989 Like, "Oh, hey, I got 50/50." Yeah, you just lost half the time with 395 00:20:19,989 --> 00:20:22,409 your child that a week ago you had. 396 00:20:23,093 --> 00:20:24,993 It's a hard one to get used to, okay? 397 00:20:25,483 --> 00:20:28,397 Number five, you'll be constantly explaining your situation. 398 00:20:28,943 --> 00:20:33,054 Even with a 50/50 schedule, you will constantly be telling your 399 00:20:33,054 --> 00:20:34,594 friends, like, "Hey, I can't. 400 00:20:34,594 --> 00:20:36,424 I have my kids that day." "Well, what day do you have them?" And 401 00:20:36,424 --> 00:20:37,664 you're explaining your schedule. 402 00:20:37,734 --> 00:20:38,854 "Well, why didn't your kids come? 403 00:20:38,964 --> 00:20:41,604 Why can't your kids just be there?" My big thing with my family was like, 404 00:20:42,014 --> 00:20:44,814 friends and family both, was like, "Why can't you just call him and tell 405 00:20:44,814 --> 00:20:47,364 him we have a special event, and why can't he just give you the kids?" 406 00:20:48,584 --> 00:20:48,934 I don't know. 407 00:20:48,934 --> 00:20:49,904 That sounds great, too. 408 00:20:49,974 --> 00:20:50,664 You wanna try? 409 00:20:50,664 --> 00:20:53,824 Maybe if you call, he would say yes, but if I call, it's a fuck no. 410 00:20:54,419 --> 00:20:57,779 So you're constantly saying like, "Ooh, I have to see if I have my kids or not. 411 00:20:57,809 --> 00:20:58,599 Oh, no, it's a Monday. 412 00:20:58,599 --> 00:21:00,539 Yeah, I don't have my kids on Mondays." "What do you mean you 413 00:21:00,539 --> 00:21:01,349 don't have your kids on Mondays?" 414 00:21:01,549 --> 00:21:03,949 "We have a custody arrangement." "I know, but why can't you just have 415 00:21:03,949 --> 00:21:08,067 them?" " Because we have a schedule." So there's this over-explanation all 416 00:21:08,067 --> 00:21:12,427 the time that you… I didn't see that coming, and it got annoying really fast. 417 00:21:12,807 --> 00:21:14,917 So prepare that a little bit with your bingo card. 418 00:21:14,941 --> 00:21:17,801 know, prepare, like, here are some things people will say around the holidays. 419 00:21:17,801 --> 00:21:20,431 Here's what people will say when you don't have your child on their 420 00:21:20,431 --> 00:21:23,491 birthday, or here's what you say when you don't get invited to something. 421 00:21:23,491 --> 00:21:27,631 Like, this is just the way things are now for you, and you gotta really 422 00:21:27,631 --> 00:21:28,951 wrap your head around it, right? 423 00:21:29,178 --> 00:21:34,400 So people who haven't lived in this think that flexibility should just be a given, 424 00:21:34,898 --> 00:21:36,588 which is what judges tell us to do, right? 425 00:21:36,588 --> 00:21:39,648 "Just be flexible with each other. There's a special event. Let her pick up the 426 00:21:39,648 --> 00:21:43,048 kids." There ain't no fucking way he's letting me pick up those kids, Judge. 427 00:21:43,238 --> 00:21:44,218 Are you kidding me? 428 00:21:44,898 --> 00:21:45,298 Right? 429 00:21:45,525 --> 00:21:48,925 So it's not a legal thing to do to be flexible, and this is the thing, and 430 00:21:48,925 --> 00:21:52,905 again, I know I'm going on tangents, but attorneys will tell you dead 431 00:21:52,905 --> 00:21:55,825 in your face, "Be flexible, Sam. 432 00:21:56,375 --> 00:22:00,956 You've gotta be the flexible one." Okay, Larry, that doesn't make any sense to me. 433 00:22:01,326 --> 00:22:07,072 So you want me to be flexible, give extra time, allow a later pickup, do a little 434 00:22:07,072 --> 00:22:11,812 bit more, you know, pay for that, be flexible, be giving, come across as the 435 00:22:11,812 --> 00:22:19,262 good co-parent, all while I'm being met with hostility, restriction, no, fuck you, 436 00:22:19,302 --> 00:22:21,908 eat shit, and nobody's pulling him over. 437 00:22:21,908 --> 00:22:23,678 And again, role reverse this if you need to. 438 00:22:24,078 --> 00:22:27,678 Nobody's pulling him over and saying, "Hey, you know what you could do? 439 00:22:28,218 --> 00:22:29,068 Be more flexible. 440 00:22:29,639 --> 00:22:30,399 You know what you could do? 441 00:22:30,549 --> 00:22:31,369 Be a little nicer. 442 00:22:31,909 --> 00:22:32,549 You know what you could do? 443 00:22:32,999 --> 00:22:35,919 be kind to her." Nobody's saying that to him. 444 00:22:36,494 --> 00:22:39,034 But everybody's coming to the parent that's regulated. 445 00:22:39,574 --> 00:22:41,814 People will come to the parent that's educated. 446 00:22:42,179 --> 00:22:44,104 People will come to the parent that's trying. 447 00:22:44,389 --> 00:22:47,034 People will come to the parent that exposes that they have 448 00:22:47,034 --> 00:22:48,084 the ability to co-parent. 449 00:22:48,374 --> 00:22:54,163 You will always be told to be the flexible one, and here's where I'll say, 450 00:22:54,594 --> 00:22:59,204 show me where that's written into the parenting plan as a measurable task. 451 00:22:59,786 --> 00:23:02,426 What's the definition of flexibility in our parenting plan? 452 00:23:02,646 --> 00:23:03,246 A day? 453 00:23:03,346 --> 00:23:04,116 An hour? 454 00:23:04,656 --> 00:23:05,496 10 minutes? 455 00:23:05,885 --> 00:23:10,515 $100? $40? If it's not measurable, I'm not fucking doing it. 456 00:23:11,127 --> 00:23:12,157 Sorry, not sorry. 457 00:23:12,850 --> 00:23:13,760 I said what I said. 458 00:23:14,391 --> 00:23:15,481 I'm not fucking Gumby. 459 00:23:16,615 --> 00:23:17,765 I'm not flexing like that. 460 00:23:18,475 --> 00:23:23,393 Because if I flex like that, I'm setting a precedent and a tone that I'm okay 461 00:23:23,393 --> 00:23:27,263 to do that forever, and when I'm not met with that back, I'm not doing that. 462 00:23:27,693 --> 00:23:28,533 I'm not doing that. 463 00:23:29,298 --> 00:23:34,728 We'll get flexible when we get respectful We'll get flexible when we get respectful. 464 00:23:35,418 --> 00:23:37,758 But unless we have respect, we're not flexible. 465 00:23:38,328 --> 00:23:40,528 Unless it's measurable, I'm not doing it. 466 00:23:40,798 --> 00:23:43,178 Unless it's said that I have to, I'm not doing it. 467 00:23:43,758 --> 00:23:48,335 Because if you wanted me to be flexible and have this wishy-washy schedule or 468 00:23:48,335 --> 00:23:52,975 this wishy-washy determination of who pays what or who does what, then you should 469 00:23:52,975 --> 00:23:54,835 have fucking said that, but you didn't. 470 00:23:55,600 --> 00:23:59,360 You gave me this time and him this time, but now you're telling me to be flexible? 471 00:24:00,193 --> 00:24:00,293 No. 472 00:24:01,243 --> 00:24:01,553 No. 473 00:24:01,990 --> 00:24:05,850 The only time I will be flexible is for funerals and one-time occasions 474 00:24:05,850 --> 00:24:10,240 that they did not set the date on, like weddings that are important or a 475 00:24:10,240 --> 00:24:12,110 special event at work that's important. 476 00:24:12,440 --> 00:24:15,228 I'll be flexible when I want to like that. 477 00:24:15,651 --> 00:24:18,651 But that will not happen from the other side, just know that. 478 00:24:19,098 --> 00:24:21,608 I'll be flexible when it benefits the children, not when 479 00:24:21,608 --> 00:24:24,969 it benefits my ex, because they will not ever do that back to me. 480 00:24:25,209 --> 00:24:28,511 And I'm not gonna show my kids that I'm going to get walked all 481 00:24:28,511 --> 00:24:29,941 over, and I'm a people pleaser. 482 00:24:30,311 --> 00:24:34,121 Now, are those moments that, yes, I will do right by my kids and let them 483 00:24:34,121 --> 00:24:37,221 do something with that other parent, and I'll be the greater person. 484 00:24:38,041 --> 00:24:39,981 But I'm allowing it from a kid perspective. 485 00:24:40,371 --> 00:24:43,351 I'm not allowing it 'cause my ex asked me, and I only know that. 486 00:24:43,611 --> 00:24:44,871 Now, my ex thinks they're winning. 487 00:24:44,991 --> 00:24:45,601 That's fine. 488 00:24:45,641 --> 00:24:47,621 I know my true intention of why I'm doing it. 489 00:24:48,231 --> 00:24:51,981 But I'm not gonna allow a judge or an attorney to tell me to be more flexible. 490 00:24:51,981 --> 00:24:53,431 Show me where that's at in the parenting plan. 491 00:24:53,782 --> 00:24:54,912 How… Flexibility? 492 00:24:55,442 --> 00:24:55,632 No. 493 00:24:56,292 --> 00:24:56,672 Not doing that. 494 00:24:57,108 --> 00:24:59,866 Number six, there's no consistency between the homes. 495 00:24:59,866 --> 00:25:03,566 So when you get awarded 50/50, this one's tough, right? 496 00:25:03,626 --> 00:25:05,306 'Cause you're like, again, I go back to that. 497 00:25:05,306 --> 00:25:07,736 When we were married, this is what we did. 498 00:25:07,996 --> 00:25:08,946 This was the bedtime. 499 00:25:08,946 --> 00:25:09,746 This was the food. 500 00:25:09,746 --> 00:25:11,156 This was the iPad usage. 501 00:25:11,156 --> 00:25:13,086 This was the things we went out and did in public. 502 00:25:13,086 --> 00:25:14,206 These were the places we went. 503 00:25:14,206 --> 00:25:16,596 These are the kind of people we allowed around our children. 504 00:25:16,596 --> 00:25:17,706 These were the rules we had. 505 00:25:17,706 --> 00:25:18,616 These were the routines. 506 00:25:18,616 --> 00:25:19,926 These were the expectations. 507 00:25:19,989 --> 00:25:20,686 We get divorced. 508 00:25:21,145 --> 00:25:22,055 Who, who's this? 509 00:25:22,626 --> 00:25:23,766 Whose house is this? 510 00:25:24,146 --> 00:25:24,856 Is this Animal House? 511 00:25:25,086 --> 00:25:26,806 Like, what is going on? 512 00:25:27,476 --> 00:25:29,471 And you are just like, " Holy shit. 513 00:25:30,091 --> 00:25:33,931 How, how are our kids ever going to go from house to house with this house 514 00:25:33,931 --> 00:25:38,906 now being extremely different than this house?" And it's mind-blowing 515 00:25:38,906 --> 00:25:42,534 to you, 'cause you're like, again, They've never allowed kids to do 516 00:25:42,534 --> 00:25:44,094 that, and now it's like freelance. 517 00:25:44,094 --> 00:25:45,134 Kids can do it all the time. 518 00:25:45,803 --> 00:25:50,153 And so it impacts kids differently when one parent just flips and turns and goes 519 00:25:50,153 --> 00:25:54,895 completely different But the thing that I've realized with my clients is the 520 00:25:54,895 --> 00:25:59,469 more consistent your house is at staying steady at whatever it is, it's okay. 521 00:26:00,128 --> 00:26:03,778 And if they stay consistent at being crazy, kids will adapt. 522 00:26:04,334 --> 00:26:06,964 But when they come to your house, they're gonna wanna relax and recoup, 523 00:26:07,484 --> 00:26:08,864 because that house is so crazy. 524 00:26:09,664 --> 00:26:14,244 And that's something I have to equate in, is the crazy at that house, I have to 525 00:26:14,244 --> 00:26:19,804 leave damage control room over in my house for them to rest and come back from crazy. 526 00:26:20,574 --> 00:26:24,324 I can't go full bore when they walk back in the door after coming from crazy 527 00:26:24,324 --> 00:26:27,484 house into, "Okay, now we're doing this and this and this and th-…" Kids are 528 00:26:27,484 --> 00:26:29,608 like, "Whoa, uh, we need to recoup. 529 00:26:29,638 --> 00:26:31,318 We're hungover from chaos. 530 00:26:31,828 --> 00:26:32,638 We're jet lagged. 531 00:26:33,288 --> 00:26:35,208 we need a couple days, okay? 532 00:26:35,628 --> 00:26:39,123 We need a couple days." But consistency in your home is the 533 00:26:39,123 --> 00:26:40,463 only thing you have control over. 534 00:26:40,962 --> 00:26:43,222 Crazyville over there, you have no control over that. 535 00:26:43,596 --> 00:26:47,116 But you need to anticipate that in a 50/50 schedule, your kids are gonna 536 00:26:47,116 --> 00:26:51,818 come back jet lagged, hungover, not literally hopefully, but figuratively. 537 00:26:51,968 --> 00:26:52,558 They're tired. 538 00:26:52,558 --> 00:26:53,178 They're exhausted. 539 00:26:53,178 --> 00:26:53,818 They've been up late. 540 00:26:53,818 --> 00:26:54,568 They haven't pooped. 541 00:26:54,568 --> 00:26:55,248 They're hungry. 542 00:26:55,248 --> 00:26:56,358 They haven't been washed. 543 00:26:56,358 --> 00:26:57,468 They're in the same clothes. 544 00:26:57,468 --> 00:26:59,718 Whatever it is, they're tired. 545 00:27:00,116 --> 00:27:05,112 And they've been hypervigilant on surviving that house, that 546 00:27:05,112 --> 00:27:07,172 when they come to your house, they may treat you a little bad. 547 00:27:07,212 --> 00:27:10,142 They may treat you a little, like, who the hell are these kids? 548 00:27:10,837 --> 00:27:12,147 Their love tank is empty. 549 00:27:12,669 --> 00:27:16,699 They're on E, E, triple E, car shutting down E. 550 00:27:17,164 --> 00:27:18,904 They need a pick-me-up. 551 00:27:19,611 --> 00:27:23,331 They need nurture, love, food, a bath, fresh pair of 552 00:27:23,331 --> 00:27:25,472 underwear, the ability to poop. 553 00:27:26,013 --> 00:27:26,943 That's what your house is. 554 00:27:27,323 --> 00:27:29,733 But if you think you're doing 50/50 and you're like, "We're gonna be 555 00:27:29,733 --> 00:27:32,703 the same at each house," I'm gonna pop that bubble for you real quick. 556 00:27:33,833 --> 00:27:37,323 You're raising the same kids, but in two different environments. 557 00:27:37,748 --> 00:27:42,030 And who your kids are to survive that house is not who they're 558 00:27:42,030 --> 00:27:43,690 gonna show up at your house as. 559 00:27:44,650 --> 00:27:47,190 And I think somebody should have told me that a long time ago. 560 00:27:47,930 --> 00:27:50,523 " Hey, Sam, do you know your kids act different at his house than 561 00:27:50,523 --> 00:27:51,923 yours?" I would've said, "No way. 562 00:27:52,273 --> 00:27:52,713 No way. 563 00:27:53,543 --> 00:27:54,333 I wouldn't think so. 564 00:27:54,363 --> 00:27:59,033 Why?" I didn't understand how bad my house was or how bad his house was on 565 00:27:59,033 --> 00:28:03,393 dysregulation, and so kids were bouncing back and forth from house to house, 566 00:28:03,783 --> 00:28:05,393 completely bothered by both parents. 567 00:28:05,393 --> 00:28:09,673 Now, when I healed and learned all my things, my house became very regulated 568 00:28:10,193 --> 00:28:11,693 while his house was still chaos. 569 00:28:12,379 --> 00:28:18,059 And so when they would come back, I had to get them regulated again just in time 570 00:28:18,059 --> 00:28:20,369 for them to go back over there, right? 571 00:28:20,399 --> 00:28:23,889 And so it was this ping pong ball all the time, and that's just something I didn't 572 00:28:23,889 --> 00:28:26,239 anticipate in a 50/50 dynamic, right? 573 00:28:26,849 --> 00:28:31,330 Last one, the emotional whiplash is real, and we kind of just started 574 00:28:31,330 --> 00:28:36,309 talking about it, but those transition days going from home to home, your kids 575 00:28:36,309 --> 00:28:38,489 will literally walk in unrecognizable. 576 00:28:39,369 --> 00:28:40,379 They will lash out at you. 577 00:28:40,379 --> 00:28:41,709 They will talk shit. 578 00:28:41,839 --> 00:28:43,169 They will be frustrated. 579 00:28:43,169 --> 00:28:47,208 They'll be short, or they'll be the other opposite, which they'll be, 580 00:28:47,208 --> 00:28:49,888 "Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da," you know, "Can I have food? 581 00:28:49,888 --> 00:28:50,508 I need a hug. 582 00:28:50,508 --> 00:28:51,068 Can you touch me? 583 00:28:51,068 --> 00:28:51,738 Can you brush my hair? 584 00:28:51,738 --> 00:28:52,568 Can you hold me?" You know? 585 00:28:53,078 --> 00:28:55,678 And they know how to ask for their love tank to be filled. 586 00:28:56,281 --> 00:29:01,641 But going from house to house is tough, and you're just like I 587 00:29:01,641 --> 00:29:02,551 don't even know how to help you. 588 00:29:02,551 --> 00:29:04,861 Like, oh my gosh, you're so fragile, you're so broken. 589 00:29:05,101 --> 00:29:07,211 But kids shift from home to home. 590 00:29:07,741 --> 00:29:11,286 And so I was teaching some women this morning inside the next chapter, and we 591 00:29:11,286 --> 00:29:17,169 were talking about how are you, how are you physically, mentally, and emotionally 592 00:29:17,669 --> 00:29:19,769 when your kids walk back in that door? 593 00:29:20,302 --> 00:29:21,632 Now, you got a lot of shit going on. 594 00:29:21,632 --> 00:29:24,450 You're stressed about bills, you're stressed about living on your own 595 00:29:24,450 --> 00:29:27,790 for the first time and covering all the things, your job sucks, the court 596 00:29:27,790 --> 00:29:32,160 case is dragging on, your ex is a piece of shit bothering you on OFW. 597 00:29:32,503 --> 00:29:37,173 But how do you present when your kids walk in that door? 598 00:29:37,487 --> 00:29:42,557 And I'm telling you, on a 50/50 schedule, you have to be able to turn it on and 599 00:29:42,557 --> 00:29:48,608 be that person for them, because they are adjusting to the schedule, school. 600 00:29:48,908 --> 00:29:52,118 Life in general is hard as a kid, especially teenagers. 601 00:29:52,698 --> 00:29:57,808 Emotions and hormones and public school and buses, like, all of it is tough. 602 00:29:58,175 --> 00:30:01,466 So there's a lot of emotional whiplash where you're just like, your kid walks 603 00:30:01,466 --> 00:30:07,125 in, says a bunch of shit, and you're like, "The fuck was that? Whoa." You know? 604 00:30:07,216 --> 00:30:09,706 And you don't know where it's coming from because you weren't there. 605 00:30:10,427 --> 00:30:11,257 You have no idea. 606 00:30:11,497 --> 00:30:13,677 And if your kid doesn't tell you about it, you're kinda like piecing together 607 00:30:13,677 --> 00:30:16,077 a puzzle upside down, and you're just looking at the cardboard side. 608 00:30:16,497 --> 00:30:18,367 You don't really know what goes where and how it goes where. 609 00:30:18,757 --> 00:30:21,567 You're like, "Well, this looks like an edge piece. I don't know. I don't know 610 00:30:21,567 --> 00:30:23,229 what edge it goes on." you're frazzled. 611 00:30:23,229 --> 00:30:24,519 It's so hard. 612 00:30:25,379 --> 00:30:28,949 But how are you before they even walk in the door? 613 00:30:29,784 --> 00:30:30,734 Are you alert? 614 00:30:31,174 --> 00:30:32,254 Are you looking at them? 615 00:30:32,614 --> 00:30:33,764 Are you off your phone? 616 00:30:34,164 --> 00:30:35,244 Do you look calm? 617 00:30:35,544 --> 00:30:36,814 Is your heart rate down? 618 00:30:37,174 --> 00:30:38,214 Is the house picked up? 619 00:30:38,244 --> 00:30:39,294 Does it smell good? 620 00:30:39,614 --> 00:30:40,684 Is their room good? 621 00:30:41,269 --> 00:30:46,789 You have to be ready to catch the havoc that's walking in the door. 622 00:30:46,869 --> 00:30:50,951 And if you're havoc and they're havoc, or you're chaos and they're chaos, I mean, 623 00:30:50,981 --> 00:30:54,861 no wonder your household is fucking a disaster, your kids are acting out, you're 624 00:30:54,861 --> 00:30:56,791 all pissy, you're drinking too much. 625 00:30:56,791 --> 00:31:00,057 Like, you gotta get your shit under control to be able to be there for 626 00:31:00,057 --> 00:31:03,017 your kids in this schedule, 'cause it's not for the faint at heart. 627 00:31:03,017 --> 00:31:04,567 Everybody wants this 50/50. 628 00:31:04,567 --> 00:31:05,937 It's, it's great. 629 00:31:05,967 --> 00:31:07,537 Kids can see both parents. 630 00:31:07,537 --> 00:31:11,163 It's awesome, coming from the perspective of an adult who stays 631 00:31:11,163 --> 00:31:13,383 in their own home and sleeps in their own bed every single night. 632 00:31:13,783 --> 00:31:15,963 Yeah, sounds great to you, I'm sure. 633 00:31:16,353 --> 00:31:18,733 But be that kid that has to go sleep in two different beds. 634 00:31:19,103 --> 00:31:22,673 Be that kid that has to go back and forth between emotional, abuse or not. 635 00:31:22,939 --> 00:31:25,753 Be that kid that has to go from having certain foods to not certain foods. 636 00:31:25,753 --> 00:31:27,733 Be that kid that has a nightlight but doesn't have a nightlight. 637 00:31:27,733 --> 00:31:30,133 Be that kid that has friends in this neighborhood, no friends 638 00:31:30,133 --> 00:31:32,213 in this… Be that kid that gets hugged here, not hugged here. 639 00:31:32,441 --> 00:31:34,953 Be that kid that has an iPad here, doesn't have an iPad there. 640 00:31:34,953 --> 00:31:37,983 There's a lot of things that are different for those kids than us 641 00:31:37,983 --> 00:31:40,233 adults sit around saying 50/50's best. 642 00:31:40,573 --> 00:31:41,793 They get to see both parents. 643 00:31:42,633 --> 00:31:43,963 Parents are not created equal. 644 00:31:45,273 --> 00:31:45,813 I said it. 645 00:31:46,695 --> 00:31:52,401 Parents are not created equal We aren't. 646 00:31:53,361 --> 00:31:57,791 There's some of us that have amazing skills at raising kids, and some 647 00:31:57,791 --> 00:31:58,801 of us have a little bit of skills. 648 00:31:59,390 --> 00:32:02,733 There's some of us that can put our shit aside, our own personal shit, 649 00:32:02,733 --> 00:32:06,073 and be amazing, amazing support staff for our kids, and some people 650 00:32:06,073 --> 00:32:11,603 can't But our kids go through emotional whiplash all the time, and 651 00:32:11,603 --> 00:32:12,923 parents are just not created equal. 652 00:32:13,530 --> 00:32:16,090 I have a strong suit, Jared has a strong suit. 653 00:32:16,740 --> 00:32:17,800 It's not the same suit. 654 00:32:18,260 --> 00:32:20,520 He's good at some stuff, I'm good at some stuff. 655 00:32:21,278 --> 00:32:25,218 Now we're together in a marriage But for you guys as singles, one 656 00:32:25,218 --> 00:32:29,577 of you is really… it's easy for you, and one parent struggles. 657 00:32:30,440 --> 00:32:32,450 And a lot of our kids are struggling in that home. 658 00:32:33,320 --> 00:32:36,610 But man, when we're selfish and we're like, "50/50 is the best. 659 00:32:37,050 --> 00:32:41,173 Parents get to see their kids equally." Right, but you're 660 00:32:41,173 --> 00:32:42,173 not the one living that life. 661 00:32:43,175 --> 00:32:43,515 You're not. 662 00:32:44,315 --> 00:32:45,615 Your kid's the one living out of a bag. 663 00:32:46,135 --> 00:32:48,025 Your kid's the one getting shuffled back and forth. 664 00:32:48,085 --> 00:32:50,165 I mean, I have a house down on the beach. 665 00:32:50,537 --> 00:32:53,717 I struggle when I just go sleep in that bed this weekend and then come back to 666 00:32:53,717 --> 00:32:55,397 this bed, 'cause it's two different beds. 667 00:32:55,997 --> 00:32:58,921 Now, again, I'm in my 40s, so my back hurts, my, hips hurt, my back… 668 00:32:58,921 --> 00:33:01,181 You know, my knees are hurt because I'm sleeping in two different beds. 669 00:33:01,181 --> 00:33:05,430 Can you imagine every week switching bed to bed to bed, or every two days bed 670 00:33:05,430 --> 00:33:06,580 to bed, or every three days bed to bed? 671 00:33:06,883 --> 00:33:09,173 Just that alone would be a pain in the ass for me. 672 00:33:09,635 --> 00:33:12,385 But again, I think these are things we really need to think about when 673 00:33:12,385 --> 00:33:13,745 we're thinking about these schedules. 674 00:33:15,355 --> 00:33:20,407 Parents are not created equal, but somehow we keep handing out 50/50 cash is king. 675 00:33:20,497 --> 00:33:21,347 Let's do 50/50. 676 00:33:21,347 --> 00:33:22,067 Works for everybody. 677 00:33:22,067 --> 00:33:22,547 No, it doesn't. 678 00:33:23,417 --> 00:33:23,707 It doesn't. 679 00:33:23,707 --> 00:33:24,837 It doesn't work for all kids. 680 00:33:25,607 --> 00:33:26,197 It really doesn't. 681 00:33:26,237 --> 00:33:29,530 I mean, 50/50 can work, but it has to be really structured, 682 00:33:29,860 --> 00:33:31,130 detailed, and realistic. 683 00:33:31,860 --> 00:33:35,880 And a lot of the problems I said today will be your problems in 50/50. 684 00:33:36,080 --> 00:33:37,020 You at least now know them. 685 00:33:37,310 --> 00:33:38,320 They're on your bingo card. 686 00:33:38,350 --> 00:33:39,350 You got a heads-up on them. 687 00:33:39,990 --> 00:33:41,760 But it isn't about sounding fair. 688 00:33:42,280 --> 00:33:44,840 It's about what actually functionally works. 689 00:33:45,170 --> 00:33:49,480 So you will probably be that parent that has all the financial, that takes 690 00:33:49,480 --> 00:33:53,346 on all the responsibility of planning, that picks up the extra slack, that does 691 00:33:53,346 --> 00:33:55,306 the sick days, You will be that parent. 692 00:33:55,306 --> 00:33:56,506 It's not gonna be 50/50. 693 00:33:57,236 --> 00:33:58,166 It's just not. 694 00:33:59,276 --> 00:33:59,746 It's not. 695 00:34:00,508 --> 00:34:03,622 And you have to be accepting that you won't have resentment 696 00:34:03,622 --> 00:34:06,324 building up, 'cause that'll exude, and your kids will feel that. 697 00:34:06,894 --> 00:34:07,714 You gotta just let it go. 698 00:34:08,164 --> 00:34:11,603 And I'm telling you as somebody that's done 50/50 for years, and then I end 699 00:34:11,603 --> 00:34:15,163 up having sole custody of my children later, and we did a little bit of 700 00:34:15,163 --> 00:34:18,483 that Wednesday and every other weekend before we went to me having them, 701 00:34:19,010 --> 00:34:21,400 50/50 was never 50/50 back in that day. 702 00:34:21,735 --> 00:34:22,195 It wasn't. 703 00:34:22,605 --> 00:34:24,315 I had more time 'cause I took all the sick time. 704 00:34:24,315 --> 00:34:27,715 I took care of them all summer because he did not wanna take any time off work, 705 00:34:27,755 --> 00:34:29,075 and he had a job that worked year-round. 706 00:34:29,511 --> 00:34:31,381 And I did the vacations, so I had more time. 707 00:34:31,381 --> 00:34:33,171 I did the sick days, so I had more time. 708 00:34:33,211 --> 00:34:35,681 I paid for the things 'cause the kids didn't wanna bring up money with him. 709 00:34:35,681 --> 00:34:37,211 It was never 50/50. 710 00:34:37,794 --> 00:34:41,454 And had I had resentment about that, that would've spewed over into my children. 711 00:34:42,206 --> 00:34:47,177 So you have to be very mindful that you just accept that you are the one, and 712 00:34:47,177 --> 00:34:51,562 you know what's magical about this, and I'll tie this up now Kids absorb that. 713 00:34:52,382 --> 00:34:55,262 Kids know that you are the one. 714 00:34:56,137 --> 00:34:57,167 You're the soft one. 715 00:34:57,167 --> 00:34:58,377 You're the approachable one. 716 00:34:58,377 --> 00:34:59,537 You're the trustworthy one. 717 00:34:59,537 --> 00:35:00,717 You're the consistent one. 718 00:35:00,717 --> 00:35:02,227 You're the one that doesn't bitch about money. 719 00:35:02,227 --> 00:35:03,377 You're the one that helps out. 720 00:35:03,377 --> 00:35:04,507 You're the one that shows up. 721 00:35:04,507 --> 00:35:05,797 You're the one that just does it. 722 00:35:06,208 --> 00:35:07,478 And you know what they keep doing? 723 00:35:08,188 --> 00:35:13,018 Calling you for the next 40 years, coming to see you for the next 40 years, sending 724 00:35:13,018 --> 00:35:17,378 you flowers for the next 40 years, washing your truck with you for the next 40 years. 725 00:35:17,827 --> 00:35:21,807 You'll still be in their life because of the work you're doing now, even 726 00:35:21,807 --> 00:35:26,587 with a 50/50 schedule, because I see a lot of parents hold a lot 727 00:35:26,587 --> 00:35:29,697 of resentment and say, "Well, they wanted 50/50, so they need to do it." 728 00:35:30,777 --> 00:35:31,467 But will they? 729 00:35:33,297 --> 00:35:33,907 Will they? 730 00:35:34,907 --> 00:35:35,927 It's so hard. 731 00:35:36,787 --> 00:35:39,647 And for some of you, you have to let your child see that they don't show 732 00:35:39,647 --> 00:35:41,057 up, see that they don't do that. 733 00:35:41,600 --> 00:35:45,080 But then your child still needs a parent, and so do you still 734 00:35:45,080 --> 00:35:46,930 show up, and you still do that. 735 00:35:47,572 --> 00:35:48,302 It's a balance. 736 00:35:49,082 --> 00:35:52,832 But I'm on the other half of this, coming from perspective, and I'm here 737 00:35:52,832 --> 00:35:57,678 to say even with a 50/50 schedule and even with 50/50 joint decision-making, 738 00:35:58,201 --> 00:36:01,864 you will still be the one because you're not equal to that other parent. 739 00:36:02,224 --> 00:36:04,364 You're better, and that's okay