right.
Boundaries are not something we say.
They're something we enforce.
If your ex is high conflict, your boundaries are getting
tested all the time.
All the time.
Now, again, I want you to remember, boundaries are something that we
do, not what we say to our ex.
So a lot of people will say, " Well, my ex doesn't stop calling.
I told him to." That's not a boundary.
The boundary would be, "If my ex continues to call, I will block the number for
twenty-four hours, or I will turn my phone off, or I will do…" It's, the
boundary is you, what you will do.
You say, "If my mom continues to bash my ex in front of my kids, I will no
longer go over there for holidays."
And so if you go over there for holidays and she starts saying, "Your ex,
your ex," in front of your children, you say, "Kiddos, get your shoes on.
We're leaving." The boundary comes from you.
It does not come from the other side.
Sam, "How do I get my ex to stop bashing me to my children?" There's
nothing I can do about that.
The boundary would be, " Hey, kiddos, when you come back from that house, just know
here, we don't hear about those things.
We don't talk like that.
We don't participate in conversations like that.
We don't bash on people like that.
But I can't stop what's going over there.
But over here, I'm gonna heal you.
I'm gonna make you feel better."
We can only control certain things, but boundaries are things that are
affecting you and how can you regulate yourself or compose yourself or
distance yourself or do something.
So we're gonna break down the five boundaries that I learned once I woke up
to what I was in, which was high conflict.
Remember, repeating myself here, I didn't know I was in a high conflict dynamic.
I tried to co-parent.
I tried to be flexible.
I tried to work.
I tried to do all the extras.
I sent the pictures.
I gave the extra time.
I just did everything I possibly could, but I was met with resistance.
And then once I figured out I was in a high conflict dynamic, I picked
up on these boundaries and they were game changers, not only for myself,
but for my children, because my children saw me implement boundaries
and they quickly followed with implementing their own boundaries.
And not necessarily with their father right away in my example, but just
with high conflict people, their peers, coaches, teachers, other relatives, right?
So number one, the communication boundary.
I don't engage emotionally I had to learn that I will not argue, not defend,
not explain, and not react to the bait.
Because that's what it all was.
At some points, I would think before I learned this boundary, that he was just
trying to talk with me and engage with me, or he believed something to be true.
He knew sure as hell none of that was true.
He was trying to engage with me to get me rattled, to get me heightened, to get
me to show up poorly, to get me to look crazy and act out in front of my children.
But I had to learn that that toxic going back and forth or the hollering
at each other or the over-engaging over the phone, 'cause that's how
old I am, was phone conversations actually existed, 'cause that was the
only form of communication back then, that that's what he wanted, right?
And so I had to keep messages short, brief, factual, only about the children,
and ignored everything outside of that.
And here's what I'll just say that's very tricky with high-conflict
people, is sometimes they're nice.
And they'll be like, "Hey, how's work going?" And you're
like, "How's work going?
Oh, it's going great." And you somehow light up inside thinking, " This is it.
This is co-parenting.
Yes, they're being nice to me.
Yes, let's go for it." And you're like, "Well, actually,
work is going really well.
There's this one guy that I work with that I don't really…" "Oh,
talking to guys at work again, are you?" And you're like, "Oh, fuck.
There it is.
Damn.
I fell for it.
Shit." You know?
And you quickly realize that you cannot overextend and share.
So the niceness is always a way to get more information from
you to use against you, right?
And so you have to be business-like.
You have to be business-like.
Brief, informative, friendly, and firm, BIFF.
And you only answer when you're available.
What are your co-parenting hours?
Because I hope you're not available twenty-four seven, and I hope
you're not available when you're with your kids, and I hope you're
not available when you're at work.
What are your co-parenting hours?
That's a boundary.
If you proceed to text me late at night, you will not get a phone call
back until the next business day.
If you proceed to send me an abundance amount of text messages, I will be
stopping communication for twelve hours.
You have to throw some type of boundary down that if you do this with
communication, I will follow up with this.
Not saying what they will do, but what will you do?
My co-parenting hours are from seven AM to eight thirty.
Once at eight thirty, I'm at work, and then I will return
back at four thirty to six.
If you cannot hit those windows, deuces.
I'm not available any other time, especially when I have the children.
Now, when I don't have the children, I will check my phone for emergencies.
And emergencies to me and what I coach is health, transportation.
Those are the only two emergencies.
Everything else is about something that can wait or something
that doesn't really matter.
Okay?
Number two, access boundaries.
Follow the order.
This is a big one.
No last-minute changes, no guilt trip to get you to swap.
No, " Can I have the kids one more time, please?
I can't believe you're not letting me have the kids."
No.
The time is the time.
You get your time.
I get my time.
Well, you get more time than I do.
Well, you know what?
Somebody in a black robe said that I'm a better fit than you
are for a certain amount of time, and I fit better than you fit.
That is what it is.
I'm not gonna feel guilty that you didn't present yourself well in court and get
the time that you thought you deserve.
But I'm not gonna keep swapping thinking that it's gonna win this person over
into co-parenting, because it won't.
They're resistant.
They've shown that.
They've… Believe them.
They showed you.
Believe them now.
High-conflict people use your lack of flexibility against you, but
the order is what the order is, and if you're going against the order,
I'm sorry, but you're in contempt.
Because here's the thing that nobody will tell you, but Sam will, ' cause I tell
you the ugly truth, and this happened to me, and this has happened to a multitude
of people that I've coached, both men and women, mothers and fathers, because
high-conflict people don't pick what body they go into, they just pick one, okay?
Here's the deal.
If you think being flexible will help you in court, and you give time because
you feel guilty, and they pressured you, and you're not gonna hold the boundary
of the parenting plan, and you give an extra overnight here, and you give
an extra hour here, and you give an extra weekend here, and you give a…
You keep doing that, you know what high-conflict people will do?
They'll be nice to your face, take you to court and say, " She
doesn't even want her kids.
She keeps giving me time.
She gave me a weekend last month.
She gave me an extra hour two days ago.
She gave me a whole overnight that she didn't need to.
She keeps pawning her kids off on me so she can go out, and she can be with this
person, and she can go do these things." That's what high-conflict people do.
Okay?
Don't get it twisted.
They're not being nice to you for you to just give them extra time
and it not be used against you.
They will use the request against you later.
Later.
Happened to me, happened to clients.
They don't wanna co-parent with you.
They're trying to tally marks against you always because they're ready to
go back to court any day of the week.
They love it there.
It's their circus, where people pay to watch them perform.
And so by you not following the boundaries of your parenting plan,
they're just documenting, "Oh, I asked.
She gave up the kids again.
Oh, I asked.
He let me have them.
Oh, yep, he didn't want them.
He didn't want them.
He didn't want them." They write all that down and then use it against you.
Okay?
Number three, time and energy boundary.
All right?
Stop overexplaining yourself.
This is where you lose all of your power.
Why are you writing paragraphs?
What?
Are you trying to get them to understand?
I'm gonna tell you right now, they don't give a shit about understanding.
It's not about understanding.
It's not about justifying and them going, "Oh.
Oh, that's what Sam meant.
Oh, well, yeah, never mind.
Sam, that's fine, Sam.
I totally get it now."
Has your ex ever said that crazy shit to you?
"Oh, I get it now. Never mind. I'm sorry." What the fuck?
Hello.
No, no, no.
That's not who they are.
So you don't say, "Hey, here's why I need to do this," or, "Here's why I said no.
Here's why I can't switch.
No is a complete sentence.
No, doesn't work out.
No, can't do that.
Stop overexplaining because here's what they do when they get you overexplaining
They ask you a question like, "Well, why can't you give me that weekend?"
And you're like, "Well, actually, you know my Grandpa George, he has
the lake this weekend, and he asked if the kids could come down because
he's doing this turkey thing, and he wants the kids to participate,
and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah."
You know what your ex says with that information?
"Hmm, what turkey thing was that? I think I'll head down there. Oh, it's
at the lake, and I think I'll rent the house next door." Or they just bitch
about it and go, When's the last time you talked to your Grandpa George?
And is your crazy Aunt Karen gonna be there?"
You've given them too much information, and now we're no longer talking about
the swap or why you didn't say yes.
Now we're in the weeds about what you're doing with the kids because you felt bad
that you had to say no because you had plans or just because you wanted to, and
now you are in the overexplaining train.
Nope.
Train your ex early.
You don't do that.
Nope, doesn't work out for us.
Not gonna happen.
You do not need to send a paragraph explaining, because they are
looking for the one word, the one person, the time, the something.
Like if you said, "Oh, Grandpa rented us a condo." "Oh, yeah, it must be nice.
Grandpa rented you a condo.
God knows that I, you know, I give you enough money.
You could probably went and one yourself, but you wanna save and bag money."
And now we're arguing about money when all it was originally about a swap.
Is this happening to you?
Because this is what's happening to my clients.
They are literally going through hell explaining themselves.
Why are you gonna put yourself through that?
Haven't they shown you that every time you explain yourself, all hell breaks loose?
Haven't they shown you that?
Believe them.
Believe them, please.
Okay?
Number four, documentation boundary.
If it matters, track it.
Just track it.
This ties directly to another episode that we've done, okay?
And I need you to go back and watch episode 36, right?
So it's a few before this.
But I want you to start logging the missed time, the lack of
pickups, the lack of communication.
I want you to start saving messages and keeping track of all of this stuff.
Because when we don't, then they know that they can continue to do it.
But if you say things like, " Oh, don't worry about it.
I'll just document.
No problem.
Documented.
Noted.
I'll file this.
I'll put this away." Show the boundary that if you keep doing
this shit, I'm gonna document I'm gonna let somebody know.
So you shift from the argument to the, "No problem, I will document."
You're not going to just keep fighting.
Have you ever won, right?
Even if you have won, they still think they won.
Have they ever come to you and been like, "Oh, I get it. Oh, I apolo-" No.
So start documenting if it matters.
Now, some of you all are in the documenting weeds.
You're documenting too much shit.
you're going way too in the weeds with some of this stuff.
Document things that can be proven: money, communication, time.
Those things are easy.
Name-calling, keep a pattern.
" But if you keep continuing to call me names, I'll have no choice
but to document it." Now they're gonna be, "Ooh, document it.
Like I give a shit." Okay. Well, when I show a pattern of 17 times in the past 30
days, it's gonna say more about you than it's gonna say about me. But don't get
in the weeds of, "Don't call me names.
Stop calling me names.
Don't do that." But just fucking document it.
Don't try to prove, "You haven't picked up your kids 17 times."
Nope, just document it.
"You're late every single time." Nope, just document it.
So don't get into the matter of facts.
Track it.
Just track it.
All right?
In an internal boundary, I don't let their behavior fuck with mine.
Okay?
I am control of my own nervous system, right?
Now, some of y'all are like, "What? No, Sam, they, they rattle me."
No, you allow them to rattle you.
" No, Sam, they escalate things and it gets under my skin, and I get pissed
off." No, you allow yourself to get pissed off by what they're doing.
You can't control them, but you are 100% responsible for how you allow them to
fuck with you And I look back on this now and go, "Hmm, that sounds really easy
now that I'm not in co-parenting, but man, when I was in co-parenting, woo."
But here's my trick to it, the bingo card.
I started to predict their behaviors to where when I was predicting behaviors
for myself and for my clients, then they got less of my nervous system.
When I started predicting how I could see the patterns coming, this is what
they're gonna do with money, this is what they're gonna do with communication,
this is what they're gonna accuse me of, this is what they're gonna say,
this is who they're gonna talk to, this is how they're gonna show up,
this is what's gonna happen to my kids.
I could predict it all, it hurt less.
To where then when I found out about it or it happened or it occurred or it came
across my plate, it wasn't a, "Oh my gosh.
Oh, I can't believe that was said.
I can't believe that happened," and my nervous system is like, "Eh." No.
When it came across now that I've already done the bingo
card, I'm like, "Huh, had that.
Predicted that.
Caught that.
That's a pattern.
I knew that.
My mom wrote that one down.
Oh, my sister had that one." When you can start seeing their behaviors
and their patterns, they become more predictable, then you gain control of your
own nervous system again Game changer.
Their behaviors are theirs and you're responsible for yours.
And when you keep allowing their behaviors to run yours, they know that.
Your ex knows that.
They know their mere presence at a soccer game fucks you up.
Cause you allow it to.
They know if they text you a certain thing, you'll spiral out of control,
and then that proves their point.
They're in your head and they know it and they use it.
But when you start to be unbothered, it's like they lose their power
with you, and all of a sudden you're not the little toy mouse to
bounce around anymore for the cat.
And they're like, "Ugh, gross.
she's all safe now.
She's all, better.
She has boundaries.
She has confidence.
She has self-care.
She has self-respect." And then they say, " Oh, well now who can I go after?" And
for most of the time, it's our children.
But here's the best part of this, and I know that sounds scary when
I say it really fast, but my kids have been watching me be a badass
with boundaries and be confident and not let people fuck with me.
Your kids will absorb that energy at some point because you'll keep showing it.
So we're not gonna let their behavior control how I show up for work, how I
show up for my kids, how I show up in court, how I show up at a soccer game.
I'm unbothered.
It's on my bingo card.
I'm unbothered.
Okay?
Now, I want you to remember, these boundaries are things that you have to do.
Nothing I said today is about how they're gonna do.
Again, you can keep telling your ex to stop doing X, Y, and Z,
and they're gonna laugh in your face and do it 10 more times.
You can tell your ex to do this or do that, but it's never going to stop.
You have to control what you're in charge of and your life.
So boundaries won't stop the high-conflict parent from being high conflict But they
will stop you from getting pulled into it.
And that changes everything for your life and for your kids.
When you stop allowing them to control you from your house and
stop running everything through that filter and stop thinking about them
and stop allowing them in your home, figuratively in your head and in
your body, your whole world changes.
Your whole world changes, and so does it change for your kids as well.
So it's really important that you learn these hard boundaries, have your friends
and family help you with them to practice them, 'cause it's really hard to go from
texting all the time, engaging all the time, over-sharing all the time, doing
all the things that you normally have done because they trained you to be that way.
They trained you to overexplain.
They trained you to justify.
They trained you for all of that when in the marriage, in the relationship.
You have to retrain yourself that that's not how this should be.
That's not how it's going to be.
And there's a lot of fallout of, " Oh my gosh, like, I don't know, like
what if he takes me back to court?"
You know?
what if he… You know?
There's a lot of worries, but what you're doing isn't working for you
either or your nervous system, 'cause your dysregulated nervous system is
rubbing off on your children, and we gotta stop that power dynamic.
That person shouldn't be able to determine how I show up as a parent
in my own household by sending a text or making a comment or an accusation.
I have to control myself, and that comes with hard boundaries.
And a lot of this will be with your ex, your friends and family,
some of you even your attorneys.
You're gonna have to have harder boundaries.
So think about a bingo card, think about some business
hours, think about using Biff.
Really just think about, "I am in control of my own body, and I'm not gonna let
them win at dysregulating me, so I show up differently than how I want to.
I wanna be different," and it starts with change, and that's what we have to do.