1
00:00:00,226 --> 00:00:00,556
right.

2
00:00:00,787 --> 00:00:03,265
Boundaries are not something we say.

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00:00:03,594 --> 00:00:05,487
They're something we enforce.

4
00:00:05,487 --> 00:00:08,407
If your ex is high conflict,
your boundaries are getting

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00:00:08,407 --> 00:00:09,994
tested all the time.

6
00:00:10,351 --> 00:00:10,967
All the time.

7
00:00:11,257 --> 00:00:16,017
Now, again, I want you to remember,
boundaries are something that we

8
00:00:16,287 --> 00:00:19,187
do, not what we say to our ex.

9
00:00:19,187 --> 00:00:21,969
So a lot of people will say, " Well,
my ex doesn't stop calling.

10
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I told him to." That's not a boundary.

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The boundary would be, "If my ex continues
to call, I will block the number for

12
00:00:28,861 --> 00:00:33,086
twenty-four hours, or I will turn my
phone off, or I will do…" It's, the

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00:00:33,086 --> 00:00:37,534
boundary is you, what you will do.

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You say, "If my mom continues to bash
my ex in front of my kids, I will no

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longer go over there for holidays."

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And so if you go over there for holidays
and she starts saying, "Your ex,

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00:00:50,339 --> 00:00:54,169
your ex," in front of your children,
you say, "Kiddos, get your shoes on.

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We're leaving." The
boundary comes from you.

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It does not come from the other side.

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00:01:00,113 --> 00:01:04,729
Sam, "How do I get my ex to stop
bashing me to my children?" There's

21
00:01:04,729 --> 00:01:05,789
nothing I can do about that.

22
00:01:06,299 --> 00:01:11,074
The boundary would be, " Hey, kiddos, when
you come back from that house, just know

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here, we don't hear about those things.

24
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We don't talk like that.

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We don't participate in
conversations like that.

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We don't bash on people like that.

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But I can't stop what's going over there.

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But over here, I'm gonna heal you.

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I'm gonna make you feel better."

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We can only control certain things,
but boundaries are things that are

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affecting you and how can you regulate
yourself or compose yourself or

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distance yourself or do something.

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00:01:32,450 --> 00:01:36,347
So we're gonna break down the five
boundaries that I learned once I woke up

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to what I was in, which was high conflict.

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Remember, repeating myself here, I didn't
know I was in a high conflict dynamic.

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I tried to co-parent.

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I tried to be flexible.

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I tried to work.

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I tried to do all the extras.

40
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I sent the pictures.

41
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I gave the extra time.

42
00:01:46,997 --> 00:01:50,038
I just did everything I possibly
could, but I was met with resistance.

43
00:01:50,038 --> 00:01:52,782
And then once I figured out I was
in a high conflict dynamic, I picked

44
00:01:52,782 --> 00:01:58,039
up on these boundaries and they were
game changers, not only for myself,

45
00:01:58,306 --> 00:02:01,944
but for my children, because my
children saw me implement boundaries

46
00:02:02,287 --> 00:02:06,024
and they quickly followed with
implementing their own boundaries.

47
00:02:06,024 --> 00:02:10,118
And not necessarily with their father
right away in my example, but just

48
00:02:10,118 --> 00:02:16,466
with high conflict people, their peers,
coaches, teachers, other relatives, right?

49
00:02:16,524 --> 00:02:18,196
So number one, the communication boundary.

50
00:02:18,508 --> 00:02:24,801
I don't engage emotionally I had to
learn that I will not argue, not defend,

51
00:02:25,091 --> 00:02:28,586
not explain, and not react to the bait.

52
00:02:28,909 --> 00:02:30,332
Because that's what it all was.

53
00:02:30,636 --> 00:02:34,505
At some points, I would think before I
learned this boundary, that he was just

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00:02:34,505 --> 00:02:38,215
trying to talk with me and engage with
me, or he believed something to be true.

55
00:02:38,572 --> 00:02:40,622
He knew sure as hell
none of that was true.

56
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He was trying to engage with me to get
me rattled, to get me heightened, to get

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me to show up poorly, to get me to look
crazy and act out in front of my children.

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But I had to learn that that toxic
going back and forth or the hollering

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00:02:55,204 --> 00:02:58,114
at each other or the over-engaging
over the phone, 'cause that's how

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old I am, was phone conversations
actually existed, 'cause that was the

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only form of communication back then,
that that's what he wanted, right?

62
00:03:04,832 --> 00:03:09,877
And so I had to keep messages short,
brief, factual, only about the children,

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and ignored everything outside of that.

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00:03:11,890 --> 00:03:15,066
And here's what I'll just say that's
very tricky with high-conflict

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people, is sometimes they're nice.

66
00:03:17,893 --> 00:03:19,683
And they'll be like, "Hey,
how's work going?" And you're

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00:03:19,683 --> 00:03:21,833
like, "How's work going?

68
00:03:22,363 --> 00:03:27,614
Oh, it's going great." And you somehow
light up inside thinking, " This is it.

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This is co-parenting.

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00:03:29,873 --> 00:03:32,163
Yes, they're being nice to me.

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00:03:32,538 --> 00:03:35,385
Yes, let's go for it." And
you're like, "Well, actually,

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00:03:35,385 --> 00:03:36,395
work is going really well.

73
00:03:36,395 --> 00:03:38,685
There's this one guy that I work
with that I don't really…" "Oh,

74
00:03:38,980 --> 00:03:41,690
talking to guys at work again, are
you?" And you're like, "Oh, fuck.

75
00:03:41,740 --> 00:03:42,250
There it is.

76
00:03:42,370 --> 00:03:42,720
Damn.

77
00:03:42,880 --> 00:03:43,430
I fell for it.

78
00:03:43,570 --> 00:03:44,740
Shit." You know?

79
00:03:44,740 --> 00:03:49,120
And you quickly realize that
you cannot overextend and share.

80
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So the niceness is always a way
to get more information from

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00:03:52,942 --> 00:03:55,332
you to use against you, right?

82
00:03:55,772 --> 00:03:57,892
And so you have to be business-like.

83
00:03:58,192 --> 00:04:00,262
You have to be business-like.

84
00:04:00,352 --> 00:04:02,432
Brief, informative,
friendly, and firm, BIFF.

85
00:04:02,882 --> 00:04:04,532
And you only answer when you're available.

86
00:04:04,532 --> 00:04:05,662
What are your co-parenting hours?

87
00:04:06,040 --> 00:04:07,115
What are your co-parenting hours?

88
00:04:07,505 --> 00:04:10,368
Because I hope you're not available
twenty-four seven, and I hope

89
00:04:10,368 --> 00:04:12,418
you're not available when you're
with your kids, and I hope you're

90
00:04:12,418 --> 00:04:13,568
not available when you're at work.

91
00:04:13,904 --> 00:04:15,521
What are your co-parenting hours?

92
00:04:15,879 --> 00:04:16,429
That's a boundary.

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00:04:16,807 --> 00:04:19,484
If you proceed to text me late at
night, you will not get a phone call

94
00:04:19,484 --> 00:04:20,924
back until the next business day.

95
00:04:21,258 --> 00:04:25,587
If you proceed to send me an abundance
amount of text messages, I will be

96
00:04:25,617 --> 00:04:27,517
stopping communication for twelve hours.

97
00:04:27,863 --> 00:04:32,445
You have to throw some type of
boundary down that if you do this with

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00:04:32,445 --> 00:04:35,136
communication, I will follow up with this.

99
00:04:35,476 --> 00:04:38,224
Not saying what they will
do, but what will you do?

100
00:04:38,628 --> 00:04:42,267
My co-parenting hours are
from seven AM to eight thirty.

101
00:04:42,499 --> 00:04:45,394
Once at eight thirty, I'm at
work, and then I will return

102
00:04:45,394 --> 00:04:48,023
back at four thirty to six.

103
00:04:48,428 --> 00:04:50,898
If you cannot hit those windows, deuces.

104
00:04:51,345 --> 00:04:55,071
I'm not available any other time,
especially when I have the children.

105
00:04:55,071 --> 00:04:58,503
Now, when I don't have the children,
I will check my phone for emergencies.

106
00:04:58,771 --> 00:05:03,113
And emergencies to me and what I
coach is health, transportation.

107
00:05:03,554 --> 00:05:06,068
Those are the only two emergencies.

108
00:05:06,547 --> 00:05:08,799
Everything else is about something
that can wait or something

109
00:05:08,799 --> 00:05:09,679
that doesn't really matter.

110
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Okay?

111
00:05:10,793 --> 00:05:12,615
Number two, access boundaries.

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Follow the order.

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This is a big one.

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No last-minute changes, no
guilt trip to get you to swap.

115
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No, " Can I have the kids
one more time, please?

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00:05:23,462 --> 00:05:24,662
I can't believe you're not
letting me have the kids."

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No.

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The time is the time.

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You get your time.

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I get my time.

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Well, you get more time than I do.

122
00:05:29,226 --> 00:05:29,946
Well, you know what?

123
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Somebody in a black robe said
that I'm a better fit than you

124
00:05:32,266 --> 00:05:34,869
are for a certain amount of time,
and I fit better than you fit.

125
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That is what it is.

126
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I'm not gonna feel guilty that you didn't
present yourself well in court and get

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00:05:39,435 --> 00:05:40,905
the time that you thought you deserve.

128
00:05:41,253 --> 00:05:46,131
But I'm not gonna keep swapping thinking
that it's gonna win this person over

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into co-parenting, because it won't.

130
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They're resistant.

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They've shown that.

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They've… Believe them.

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They showed you.

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Believe them now.

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00:05:52,690 --> 00:05:57,209
High-conflict people use your lack
of flexibility against you, but

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00:05:57,209 --> 00:06:00,849
the order is what the order is, and
if you're going against the order,

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I'm sorry, but you're in contempt.

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00:06:03,175 --> 00:06:06,815
Because here's the thing that nobody will
tell you, but Sam will, ' cause I tell

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00:06:06,815 --> 00:06:12,211
you the ugly truth, and this happened to
me, and this has happened to a multitude

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00:06:12,311 --> 00:06:17,072
of people that I've coached, both men
and women, mothers and fathers, because

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00:06:17,072 --> 00:06:20,602
high-conflict people don't pick what body
they go into, they just pick one, okay?

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Here's the deal.

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00:06:21,812 --> 00:06:26,146
If you think being flexible will help
you in court, and you give time because

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00:06:26,146 --> 00:06:28,986
you feel guilty, and they pressured you,
and you're not gonna hold the boundary

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00:06:28,986 --> 00:06:31,806
of the parenting plan, and you give
an extra overnight here, and you give

146
00:06:31,806 --> 00:06:34,706
an extra hour here, and you give an
extra weekend here, and you give a…

147
00:06:35,338 --> 00:06:37,604
You keep doing that, you know
what high-conflict people will do?

148
00:06:37,604 --> 00:06:40,494
They'll be nice to your face,
take you to court and say, " She

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00:06:40,494 --> 00:06:41,604
doesn't even want her kids.

150
00:06:41,824 --> 00:06:43,174
She keeps giving me time.

151
00:06:43,389 --> 00:06:44,964
She gave me a weekend last month.

152
00:06:44,964 --> 00:06:46,664
She gave me an extra hour two days ago.

153
00:06:46,664 --> 00:06:48,834
She gave me a whole overnight
that she didn't need to.

154
00:06:49,049 --> 00:06:52,524
She keeps pawning her kids off on me so
she can go out, and she can be with this

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00:06:52,524 --> 00:06:55,655
person, and she can go do these things."
That's what high-conflict people do.

156
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Okay?

157
00:06:56,637 --> 00:06:57,433
Don't get it twisted.

158
00:06:57,913 --> 00:07:01,777
They're not being nice to you for
you to just give them extra time

159
00:07:01,807 --> 00:07:03,257
and it not be used against you.

160
00:07:03,618 --> 00:07:06,660
They will use the request
against you later.

161
00:07:07,287 --> 00:07:07,800
Later.

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00:07:08,197 --> 00:07:09,860
Happened to me, happened to clients.

163
00:07:10,220 --> 00:07:12,260
They don't wanna co-parent with you.

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00:07:12,470 --> 00:07:18,600
They're trying to tally marks against
you always because they're ready to

165
00:07:18,600 --> 00:07:20,170
go back to court any day of the week.

166
00:07:20,380 --> 00:07:21,150
They love it there.

167
00:07:21,260 --> 00:07:24,412
It's their circus, where people
pay to watch them perform.

168
00:07:24,723 --> 00:07:28,092
And so by you not following the
boundaries of your parenting plan,

169
00:07:28,312 --> 00:07:29,912
they're just documenting, "Oh, I asked.

170
00:07:29,912 --> 00:07:30,762
She gave up the kids again.

171
00:07:30,792 --> 00:07:31,412
Oh, I asked.

172
00:07:31,412 --> 00:07:32,102
He let me have them.

173
00:07:32,132 --> 00:07:33,410
Oh, yep, he didn't want them.

174
00:07:33,440 --> 00:07:34,000
He didn't want them.

175
00:07:34,000 --> 00:07:37,334
He didn't want them." They write all
that down and then use it against you.

176
00:07:37,334 --> 00:07:37,394
Okay?

177
00:07:38,835 --> 00:07:40,758
Number three, time and energy boundary.

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00:07:41,278 --> 00:07:41,668
All right?

179
00:07:42,158 --> 00:07:43,628
Stop overexplaining yourself.

180
00:07:44,211 --> 00:07:46,491
This is where you lose all of your power.

181
00:07:47,101 --> 00:07:48,931
Why are you writing paragraphs?

182
00:07:50,851 --> 00:07:50,981
What?

183
00:07:51,731 --> 00:07:53,191
Are you trying to get them to understand?

184
00:07:53,722 --> 00:07:55,838
I'm gonna tell you right now, they
don't give a shit about understanding.

185
00:07:55,838 --> 00:07:57,458
It's not about understanding.

186
00:07:57,760 --> 00:08:00,893
It's not about justifying
and them going, "Oh.

187
00:08:01,443 --> 00:08:04,603
Oh, that's what Sam meant.

188
00:08:04,833 --> 00:08:06,333
Oh, well, yeah, never mind.

189
00:08:06,533 --> 00:08:07,656
Sam, that's fine, Sam.

190
00:08:07,656 --> 00:08:08,477
I totally get it now."

191
00:08:08,852 --> 00:08:10,901
Has your ex ever said
that crazy shit to you?

192
00:08:10,991 --> 00:08:14,611
"Oh, I get it now. Never mind.
I'm sorry." What the fuck?

193
00:08:15,203 --> 00:08:15,615
Hello.

194
00:08:16,069 --> 00:08:16,622
No, no, no.

195
00:08:16,952 --> 00:08:17,852
That's not who they are.

196
00:08:18,313 --> 00:08:21,977
So you don't say, "Hey, here's why I need
to do this," or, "Here's why I said no.

197
00:08:21,977 --> 00:08:23,287
Here's why I can't switch.

198
00:08:23,939 --> 00:08:26,029
No is a complete sentence.

199
00:08:26,388 --> 00:08:27,486
No, doesn't work out.

200
00:08:27,940 --> 00:08:29,005
No, can't do that.

201
00:08:29,367 --> 00:08:33,329
Stop overexplaining because here's what
they do when they get you overexplaining

202
00:08:33,642 --> 00:08:36,235
They ask you a question like, "Well,
why can't you give me that weekend?"

203
00:08:36,265 --> 00:08:39,426
And you're like, "Well, actually,
you know my Grandpa George, he has

204
00:08:39,426 --> 00:08:42,256
the lake this weekend, and he asked
if the kids could come down because

205
00:08:42,256 --> 00:08:45,366
he's doing this turkey thing, and
he wants the kids to participate,

206
00:08:45,396 --> 00:08:46,146
and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah."

207
00:08:46,423 --> 00:08:47,917
You know what your ex says
with that information?

208
00:08:48,307 --> 00:08:51,937
"Hmm, what turkey thing was that? I
think I'll head down there. Oh, it's

209
00:08:51,937 --> 00:08:55,331
at the lake, and I think I'll rent the
house next door." Or they just bitch

210
00:08:55,331 --> 00:08:57,895
about it and go, When's the last time
you talked to your Grandpa George?

211
00:08:58,109 --> 00:08:59,995
And is your crazy Aunt
Karen gonna be there?"

212
00:09:00,245 --> 00:09:05,416
You've given them too much information,
and now we're no longer talking about

213
00:09:05,416 --> 00:09:07,416
the swap or why you didn't say yes.

214
00:09:07,655 --> 00:09:11,026
Now we're in the weeds about what you're
doing with the kids because you felt bad

215
00:09:11,026 --> 00:09:14,802
that you had to say no because you had
plans or just because you wanted to, and

216
00:09:14,802 --> 00:09:16,682
now you are in the overexplaining train.

217
00:09:17,172 --> 00:09:17,322
Nope.

218
00:09:18,016 --> 00:09:19,690
Train your ex early.

219
00:09:20,170 --> 00:09:20,640
You don't do that.

220
00:09:21,150 --> 00:09:22,370
Nope, doesn't work out for us.

221
00:09:22,802 --> 00:09:23,531
Not gonna happen.

222
00:09:24,025 --> 00:09:28,464
You do not need to send a paragraph
explaining, because they are

223
00:09:28,464 --> 00:09:34,180
looking for the one word, the one
person, the time, the something.

224
00:09:34,483 --> 00:09:37,948
Like if you said, "Oh, Grandpa rented
us a condo." "Oh, yeah, it must be nice.

225
00:09:37,948 --> 00:09:38,968
Grandpa rented you a condo.

226
00:09:38,968 --> 00:09:40,688
God knows that I, you know,
I give you enough money.

227
00:09:40,688 --> 00:09:43,147
You could probably went and one yourself,
but you wanna save and bag money."

228
00:09:43,375 --> 00:09:46,577
And now we're arguing about money when
all it was originally about a swap.

229
00:09:46,947 --> 00:09:47,817
Is this happening to you?

230
00:09:48,109 --> 00:09:49,724
Because this is what's
happening to my clients.

231
00:09:50,026 --> 00:09:53,393
They are literally going through
hell explaining themselves.

232
00:09:53,393 --> 00:09:54,793
Why are you gonna put
yourself through that?

233
00:09:55,203 --> 00:09:59,773
Haven't they shown you that every time you
explain yourself, all hell breaks loose?

234
00:10:00,262 --> 00:10:01,249
Haven't they shown you that?

235
00:10:01,559 --> 00:10:02,481
Believe them.

236
00:10:02,821 --> 00:10:04,174
Believe them, please.

237
00:10:04,494 --> 00:10:04,944
Okay?

238
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Number four, documentation boundary.

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If it matters, track it.

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Just track it.

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This ties directly to another
episode that we've done, okay?

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And I need you to go back
and watch episode 36, right?

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So it's a few before this.

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But I want you to start logging
the missed time, the lack of

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pickups, the lack of communication.

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I want you to start saving messages
and keeping track of all of this stuff.

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Because when we don't, then they
know that they can continue to do it.

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But if you say things like,
" Oh, don't worry about it.

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I'll just document.

250
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No problem.

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Documented.

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Noted.

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I'll file this.

254
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I'll put this away." Show the
boundary that if you keep doing

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this shit, I'm gonna document
I'm gonna let somebody know.

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00:10:42,982 --> 00:10:47,594
So you shift from the argument to
the, "No problem, I will document."

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You're not going to just keep fighting.

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Have you ever won, right?

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Even if you have won,
they still think they won.

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Have they ever come to you and been
like, "Oh, I get it. Oh, I apolo-" No.

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So start documenting if it matters.

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Now, some of you all are
in the documenting weeds.

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You're documenting too much shit.

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you're going way too in the
weeds with some of this stuff.

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Document things that can be
proven: money, communication, time.

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Those things are easy.

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Name-calling, keep a pattern.

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" But if you keep continuing to
call me names, I'll have no choice

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but to document it." Now they're
gonna be, "Ooh, document it.

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Like I give a shit." Okay. Well, when I
show a pattern of 17 times in the past 30

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days, it's gonna say more about you than
it's gonna say about me. But don't get

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in the weeds of, "Don't call me names.

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Stop calling me names.

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Don't do that." But just
fucking document it.

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Don't try to prove, "You haven't
picked up your kids 17 times."

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Nope, just document it.

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"You're late every single
time." Nope, just document it.

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So don't get into the matter of facts.

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Track it.

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Just track it.

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All right?

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In an internal boundary, I don't
let their behavior fuck with mine.

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Okay?

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I am control of my own
nervous system, right?

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Now, some of y'all are like, "What?
No, Sam, they, they rattle me."

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00:12:02,622 --> 00:12:04,022
No, you allow them to rattle you.

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00:12:04,348 --> 00:12:07,729
" No, Sam, they escalate things and it
gets under my skin, and I get pissed

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00:12:07,729 --> 00:12:10,971
off." No, you allow yourself to get
pissed off by what they're doing.

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00:12:11,383 --> 00:12:17,836
You can't control them, but you are 100%
responsible for how you allow them to

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fuck with you And I look back on this
now and go, "Hmm, that sounds really easy

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now that I'm not in co-parenting, but
man, when I was in co-parenting, woo."

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But here's my trick to it, the bingo card.

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I started to predict their behaviors to
where when I was predicting behaviors

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for myself and for my clients, then
they got less of my nervous system.

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00:12:37,924 --> 00:12:44,919
When I started predicting how I could
see the patterns coming, this is what

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they're gonna do with money, this is
what they're gonna do with communication,

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00:12:46,949 --> 00:12:49,059
this is what they're gonna accuse me
of, this is what they're gonna say,

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00:12:49,059 --> 00:12:51,039
this is who they're gonna talk to,
this is how they're gonna show up,

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00:12:51,039 --> 00:12:52,481
this is what's gonna happen to my kids.

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00:12:52,481 --> 00:12:55,275
I could predict it all, it hurt less.

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To where then when I found out about it
or it happened or it occurred or it came

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across my plate, it wasn't a, "Oh my gosh.

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00:13:03,887 --> 00:13:05,797
Oh, I can't believe that was said.

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00:13:05,827 --> 00:13:08,687
I can't believe that happened," and
my nervous system is like, "Eh." No.

305
00:13:09,208 --> 00:13:11,109
When it came across now that
I've already done the bingo

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00:13:11,109 --> 00:13:12,677
card, I'm like, "Huh, had that.

307
00:13:13,042 --> 00:13:13,641
Predicted that.

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00:13:13,941 --> 00:13:14,431
Caught that.

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00:13:14,711 --> 00:13:15,441
That's a pattern.

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00:13:15,561 --> 00:13:16,121
I knew that.

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00:13:16,361 --> 00:13:17,299
My mom wrote that one down.

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00:13:17,339 --> 00:13:21,115
Oh, my sister had that one." When
you can start seeing their behaviors

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00:13:21,115 --> 00:13:24,806
and their patterns, they become more
predictable, then you gain control of your

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00:13:24,806 --> 00:13:27,416
own nervous system again Game changer.

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00:13:27,776 --> 00:13:31,786
Their behaviors are theirs and
you're responsible for yours.

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00:13:31,786 --> 00:13:36,801
And when you keep allowing their
behaviors to run yours, they know that.

317
00:13:37,419 --> 00:13:38,503
Your ex knows that.

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00:13:38,949 --> 00:13:42,200
They know their mere presence
at a soccer game fucks you up.

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00:13:42,554 --> 00:13:43,397
Cause you allow it to.

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00:13:43,769 --> 00:13:47,112
They know if they text you a certain
thing, you'll spiral out of control,

321
00:13:47,529 --> 00:13:49,332
and then that proves their point.

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00:13:49,728 --> 00:13:53,228
They're in your head and
they know it and they use it.

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00:13:53,644 --> 00:13:57,977
But when you start to be unbothered,
it's like they lose their power

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00:13:57,977 --> 00:14:00,910
with you, and all of a sudden
you're not the little toy mouse to

325
00:14:00,910 --> 00:14:02,600
bounce around anymore for the cat.

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00:14:02,940 --> 00:14:04,481
And they're like, "Ugh, gross.

327
00:14:04,851 --> 00:14:05,751
she's all safe now.

328
00:14:05,751 --> 00:14:06,593
She's all, better.

329
00:14:06,593 --> 00:14:07,523
She has boundaries.

330
00:14:07,523 --> 00:14:08,333
She has confidence.

331
00:14:08,333 --> 00:14:09,053
She has self-care.

332
00:14:09,053 --> 00:14:15,178
She has self-respect." And then they say,
" Oh, well now who can I go after?" And

333
00:14:15,178 --> 00:14:17,008
for most of the time, it's our children.

334
00:14:17,648 --> 00:14:20,802
But here's the best part of this,
and I know that sounds scary when

335
00:14:20,802 --> 00:14:24,866
I say it really fast, but my kids
have been watching me be a badass

336
00:14:24,866 --> 00:14:27,876
with boundaries and be confident
and not let people fuck with me.

337
00:14:28,114 --> 00:14:31,418
Your kids will absorb that energy at some
point because you'll keep showing it.

338
00:14:31,783 --> 00:14:36,338
So we're not gonna let their behavior
control how I show up for work, how I

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00:14:36,338 --> 00:14:40,391
show up for my kids, how I show up in
court, how I show up at a soccer game.

340
00:14:40,696 --> 00:14:41,365
I'm unbothered.

341
00:14:41,569 --> 00:14:42,476
It's on my bingo card.

342
00:14:42,817 --> 00:14:43,502
I'm unbothered.

343
00:14:43,892 --> 00:14:44,200
Okay?

344
00:14:44,487 --> 00:14:49,700
Now, I want you to remember, these
boundaries are things that you have to do.

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00:14:50,071 --> 00:14:53,290
Nothing I said today is
about how they're gonna do.

346
00:14:53,550 --> 00:14:56,120
Again, you can keep telling your
ex to stop doing X, Y, and Z,

347
00:14:56,120 --> 00:14:58,091
and they're gonna laugh in your
face and do it 10 more times.

348
00:14:58,469 --> 00:15:02,836
You can tell your ex to do this or do
that, but it's never going to stop.

349
00:15:03,154 --> 00:15:05,951
You have to control what you're
in charge of and your life.

350
00:15:05,951 --> 00:15:09,794
So boundaries won't stop the high-conflict
parent from being high conflict But they

351
00:15:09,794 --> 00:15:12,774
will stop you from getting pulled into it.

352
00:15:13,169 --> 00:15:16,623
And that changes everything for
your life and for your kids.

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00:15:16,623 --> 00:15:20,843
When you stop allowing them to
control you from your house and

354
00:15:20,843 --> 00:15:24,413
stop running everything through that
filter and stop thinking about them

355
00:15:24,413 --> 00:15:27,536
and stop allowing them in your home,
figuratively in your head and in

356
00:15:27,536 --> 00:15:30,086
your body, your whole world changes.

357
00:15:30,474 --> 00:15:33,754
Your whole world changes, and so
does it change for your kids as well.

358
00:15:34,254 --> 00:15:38,004
So it's really important that you learn
these hard boundaries, have your friends

359
00:15:38,004 --> 00:15:42,071
and family help you with them to practice
them, 'cause it's really hard to go from

360
00:15:42,405 --> 00:15:46,885
texting all the time, engaging all the
time, over-sharing all the time, doing

361
00:15:46,885 --> 00:15:49,785
all the things that you normally have done
because they trained you to be that way.

362
00:15:50,096 --> 00:15:51,883
They trained you to overexplain.

363
00:15:51,883 --> 00:15:53,363
They trained you to justify.

364
00:15:53,363 --> 00:15:56,593
They trained you for all of that when
in the marriage, in the relationship.

365
00:15:56,899 --> 00:15:59,565
You have to retrain yourself that
that's not how this should be.

366
00:15:59,849 --> 00:16:01,073
That's not how it's going to be.

367
00:16:01,380 --> 00:16:05,348
And there's a lot of fallout of, " Oh
my gosh, like, I don't know, like

368
00:16:05,348 --> 00:16:06,468
what if he takes me back to court?"

369
00:16:06,468 --> 00:16:06,738
You know?

370
00:16:06,738 --> 00:16:07,864
what if he… You know?

371
00:16:07,864 --> 00:16:10,184
There's a lot of worries, but what
you're doing isn't working for you

372
00:16:10,184 --> 00:16:12,919
either or your nervous system, 'cause
your dysregulated nervous system is

373
00:16:12,919 --> 00:16:16,070
rubbing off on your children, and
we gotta stop that power dynamic.

374
00:16:16,330 --> 00:16:19,275
That person shouldn't be able to
determine how I show up as a parent

375
00:16:19,495 --> 00:16:23,523
in my own household by sending a text
or making a comment or an accusation.

376
00:16:23,795 --> 00:16:26,733
I have to control myself, and
that comes with hard boundaries.

377
00:16:26,733 --> 00:16:29,391
And a lot of this will be with
your ex, your friends and family,

378
00:16:29,421 --> 00:16:30,881
some of you even your attorneys.

379
00:16:31,190 --> 00:16:32,910
You're gonna have to
have harder boundaries.

380
00:16:33,261 --> 00:16:35,591
So think about a bingo card,
think about some business

381
00:16:35,591 --> 00:16:37,281
hours, think about using Biff.

382
00:16:37,598 --> 00:16:41,419
Really just think about, "I am in control
of my own body, and I'm not gonna let

383
00:16:41,419 --> 00:16:45,334
them win at dysregulating me, so I
show up differently than how I want to.

384
00:16:45,611 --> 00:16:48,793
I wanna be different," and it starts with
change, and that's what we have to do.