All right.
One missing paragraph in your parenting plan is going to create
conflict not just once or twice, but repeatedly, and most parents don't
realize it until it's too late.
So inside of your parenting plan, it should never, never say the words,
"Both parents understand the schedule. Both parents agree to follow the
schedule," when this one particular portion is not also mentioned.
Your parenting plan needs to be clear with an order of priority.
It's that simple.
Order of priority so that everybody takes ownership of when they're allowed to take
over and when they're not allowed to take over based on their order of priority.
Because in high-conflict situations, if something is unclear, then
dominant high-conflict parent will clean house And take from everyone
and exploit the whole situation.
So let's start with the problem.
In most parenting plans, there's a list of holidays, usually very vague.
There's a list of who gets to take a vacation when or where probably.
Uh, summer breaks like spring break or fall break or winter break are listed,
and then visitation is talked about.
But nowhere in most parenting plans does it say the hierarchy
of what comes before something else, the order of priority, right?
And so high-conflict people everywhere think that they're the biggest priority,
and they're the most important person in the room, and that's just not true.
There is an order of priority, and we're gonna really bust
out what that means today.
And so this is a conversation you're going to listen to, take notes on,
and take it back to mediation, take it to your attorney and say, "Hey, I
have to make sure I have a list of the order of priority in my parenting plan
so that I know when I can override something else and when especially
the high-conflict parent doesn't get to override something else."
Now let's break this down.
But here is what a priority list should look like inside of your parenting plan.
First and foremost, holidays.
Holidays are the most important thing that you have as a parent with your
children when it comes to your time, okay?
In the list, holidays are number one, meaning no one can take a
holiday, and we're gonna break these down even further, so stay with me.
Number two is all the school breaks.
I mentioned spring break, fall break, winter break, summer break.
The next one is vacations.
This is number three on your list.
Vacations is number three.
So when you go on vacation, do you get to take away something else or
is something else more important?
This is the list we're talking about.
And then the regular visitation schedule is last.
So which means everything above the visitation schedule can be taken from you.
Sorry, scratch that.
That means everything on the visita-
Sorry
Let's go back.
Okay?
So here is a list of what the priority schedule should look like.
First and foremost, holidays.
No one can take your holidays away.
When it says in your parenting plan that you have a holiday, you have it.
Nothing can be overlapping, taking, uh, stealing your holiday.
You can't plan a vacation over someone else's holiday.
Your visitation schedule doesn't overlap a holiday.
Summer break d- nothing overlaps a holiday.
Number two is your school breaks, your sp- your spring break, fall
break, summer break, winter break, which means if it's your scheduled
spring break, I can't plan a vacation because vacation is number three.
So in the order of priority, holidays come first.
No one can take your holidays.
Then no one can take your specific time during one of your breaks,
like fall break or spring break.
Thirdly is your vacations.
I can't take away your vacation just because it's my visitation time.
I can't say, "Oh, you can't go on vacation because it's my Tuesday."
Nope, vacations supersede visitation.
And then number four is your vata- vacations, or your
visitation schedule, sorry.
Visitation schedule is the least priority.
Holidays are number one.
Now, let's break this down.
Why does this matter?
Holidays override everything.
One parent will end up trying to schedule their vacation over your holiday.
I've had parents over the years try to schedule a vacation over
Christmas and say, "Oh, well, we're going on vacation, so I'm taking
away your Christmas morning."
"Oh, we decided to go on vacation over your 4th of July, so we're taking your
4th of July." High-conflict people will always try to take if there's not a rule.
So holidays should not disappear just because someone wants to book a vacation.
Again, vacation is third on the list.
All right?
Breaks should override your visitation.
So even though you may have a 2-5 schedule and Monday, Tuesday is always yours, when
spring break comes around, that parent gets to have that whole break because it
says the spring break is their holiday or their time with their children.
And so that supersedes over your vacation that you were trying to
plan because it's not your break.
It supersedes over your visitation that you have on Monday, Tuesday
because it's not your break.
All right?
So you have to make sure breaks are listed inside of your parenting plan
but also this order of operation.
So if school breaks are not clearly prioritized, every
break becomes negotiable.
"Well, I want to plan a vacation."
Well, it doesn't say I can't plan a vacation.
But if you have the order of priority, that's gonna help you.
Vacations should not r- override anything, right?
So a vacation should never take away someone else's holiday or someone
else's break because high-conflict people love the loopholes.
It's amazing to me how s- how dumb they can be most of the time and- How smart
they can be at trying to take away.
They initially book vacations over your time, right?
Over your holiday or over your spring break or winter break
because parenting plan doesn't have a list of order of operations.
They claim they already paid for it, so then you feel bad and feel
obligated to give it up to them.
But that's why this section is so important to have.
A vacation request does not erase a court order of priority time.
And I'm telling you, it has to be black and white, that it says crystal clear that
holidays and breaks supersede a vacation.
But here's the deal.
After all of this priority listing, which should be in your parenting plan, we put
it in ours for sure, is this one sentence.
And without this sentence, even with a list of priorities,
you're still gonna have arguments from a high-conflict parent.
And the one sentence is, "Time lost will not be regained." Now, let that sink in.
This matters to have in your parenting plan.
Now, I gave you the list of order of operations here, the priority levels,
you know, holidays, and then breaks, and then vacation, and then visitation time.
You can't take anything above you.
But here's the deal.
High-conflict people will say, "Well, you took the kids on vacation. I deserve
my two days back." You deserve it, but my parenting plan also says you lost
it, and it's not gonna be regained.
Just like if I lose time during your vacation, I will not get
that time back, and that's okay.
Right?
It's okay.
One parent is going to lose time because po- possibly of a holiday, because of
spring break, because of a vacation.
All of that is gonna happen, and it's like a wash.
One year it may be heavy, one parent loses.
The next year, another parent may be losing.
But high-conflict people think that because you took a vacation or because
it was your spring break or because it was your 4th of July and it fell
on their day that they deserve that day back, and that is just not true.
That's common sense, but this is what we don't fall on in parenting plans.
We fall on what is written in the plan, black and white,
what can be read on page 17.
And it should say, "Time will be lost, not regained, due to a holiday, a break,
or a vacation." You have lost that time.
It's so critical that you understand that needs to be in there because if you just
assume that your co-parent knows that or that they'll understand that or they'll
believe that, that's not gonna happen.
It is not going to happen.
They are going to fight, argue, bitch, and moan every time you take from them.
And those of you listening, I'm using quotes here, "take from them," but
it's what your parenting plan allows.
It allows you to have time with your children outside of the
normal visitation schedule, which is the last thing on the list.
So why do high-conflict people love these loopholes?
It's what they lean on in life.
It's not just with you.
Think about it.
High-conflict people are taking advantage of everyone, right?
They like the confusion.
They like the gray area because then they get to pounce and control, right?
They get to do those weird, disgusting things where most people would be like,
"I would never say something like that.
I would never do something like that." They sleep well
at night and do it every day.
A vague parenting plan gives them leverage, gives them the ability to argue,
gives them the opportunity for conflict.
And who pays the biggest price during conflict?
Our children.
And so notice we're talking about big moments in these children's
lives, holidays, vacations, spring breaks, winter breaks, fall breaks.
We're talking about big moments in the child's life, celebratory, emotional,
memorable moments, and now there's gray area around it, leaving nothing
but my ex and I to argue, fight, and possibly contact attorneys again.
Money loss, high anxiety for one parent or if not both, and that
domino effect goes right down to the children, and that's what we don't want.
So if a parenting plan leaves room for interpretation, high-conflict
people are going to run all over that and make sure it benefits them.
So let's dive into the real question.
Why is this not included?
Why is this not standard?
Why is not every single parenting plan on this earth having that
order of priority Many attorneys like to just use generic templates.
And if the template that they got back in 1984 doesn't include it, well,
there's no sense in updating that now.
Been using it since '84.
She's good.
She's solid.
It's been accepted before.
Why would I wanna update it?
They assume, and this is the biggest one that I just think is a kick in the
nuts sometimes, is that parents, we're just gonna figure it out, and they'll
all work it out, and they'll all agree.
They'll all settle.
They'll all have a conversation.
They'll, you know, the, when the ink dries, they'll start getting along again.
Now, that may be true for some, but not all.
And if you're listening to me and following me, it's not true for you.
They focus on getting agreements signed quickly, and they're
like, "Eh, nobody would ever take advantage of somebody like that."
Uh, excuse me?
Have you met our exes?
I'm pretty sure they were in the room with you for a few hours.
Did you not pick up on what they were putting down, that they're hostile
and, you know, argumentative and try to control every situation and lie?
Hello?
This is who they are.
Believe them, please.
I do.
I want this sentence in here.
I want this paragraph in here.
Attorneys aren't thinking about how conflict is going
to play out even years later.
But here's the deal.
Maybe they are.
Some attorneys are using this to portray us as the problem, that, "Oh, I can't
believe you guys can't co-parent.
I can't believe you guys can't cooperate.
Can't believe it." Really?
Are you that slow?
Have you not figured out by the years we've been trying to get divorced
and the hundreds of thousands of dollars we've already spent that we
just probably aren't gonna be that couple that gets along post-divorce?
Maybe you are just trying to trip my trigger and take my money, 'cause at
this point, how much we've shown you, you're either horrible at recognizing
patterns, or you're just extra slow.
But we need this paragraph in there describing that you can't take from
me, and that there's a hierarchy.
Parenting plans that work for healthy co-parents often
are a complete disaster for a high-conflict co-parenting situation.
And attorneys need to get on board with this.
We are not built the same.
We are not doing things the same as people that are amicable and wearing
matching shirt at soccer games and are still neighbors and still help each other,
and hell, they have dinner together.
I love that for them.
I love that.
I'm jealous.
But that's not us.
That's not our situation, right?
The reality is that no one wants to say is high-conflict people often
take your time casually, but they also make it to where you have to
feel like you have to be flexible.
Like, it starts off so casual.
"Hey, I'm gonna extend my vacation.
Hey, I noticed that, you know, you don't normally do anything for the
holidays, so I'm gonna-- I'm just gonna go ahead and take the kids over here."
They start so casually with you, and then they start threatening you, and
they expect you to still be flexible.
And if you don't have anything as a backbone to protect you with
that, it's gonna happen for years.
And who's watching all of that?
Your children.
Because many of them just love to control, and that's way
more important than fairness.
They want understanding that when they want something and need something,
you better be giving it to them.
And so paperwork is so important for you to have.
It really is.
So here's some things.
I want you to review the parenting plan that you're getting from your
attorney or mediator, and I want you to look and see, can my ex take from me?
Does it mention anything about getting that time back, or is it lost?
And I want it to be lost because I don't want to get into this, well,
when do I have to give them time?
The day before vacation, but what if they don't bring the kids back
and then my vacation's ruined?
Or what about on the holiday?
Like, do I have to give them the day before the holiday even though
that's my day too and it's my holiday?
It gets very, very confusing.
And so it's just easier in a high-conflict situation to say
time is lost, not regained.
You need to have clarifying language that a third-grader can understand
of what is more important, what is a hierarchy of the order of priority.
Word for word, it has to be listed.
The best parenting plans are not based on trust, and they're
not based on cooperation.
They're based on clarity because clarity removes the loopholes, and
loopholes are where high-conflict people wanna live all the time and thrive.