<v Speaker 1>Just because you have a man next to you does

<v Speaker 1>not mean you're winning in life. But people are great

<v Speaker 1>at making it seem like they're living their best life.

<v Speaker 1>They have the relationship that they want, but you don't

<v Speaker 1>really know the work that was put behind it.

<v Speaker 2>Okay, hey babe, it's Asia.

<v Speaker 1>Christina missed his quality clean control?

<v Speaker 2>What is happening? Hello?

<v Speaker 1>Hello everyone? How are we feeling on today? I'm sitting

<v Speaker 1>here in my Merca little sweater. We have shorts on. Okay,

<v Speaker 1>hopefully you guys can see that. Just know that I'm

<v Speaker 1>absolutely not naked. Thank you very much. Have you ever

<v Speaker 1>dealt with a man who came on very strong in

<v Speaker 1>the beginning, he was texting you every day, he was

<v Speaker 1>pursuing you, making you feel chosen, and then out of nowhere,

<v Speaker 1>he pulls back. He becomes inconsistent, he becomes distant, he

<v Speaker 1>becomes hard to read. And now you're sitting here trying

<v Speaker 1>to figure out what has changed? Did I do something wrong?

<v Speaker 1>Is he scared up his feelings. We're gonna unpack all

<v Speaker 1>of that in today's episode, but before we do, I

<v Speaker 1>want you to hype this video up on YouTube. Guys,

<v Speaker 1>hyping the video up for your favorite creator does more

<v Speaker 1>than you guys think. One it tells the algorithm directly,

<v Speaker 1>we like this. You need to push this out, and

<v Speaker 1>that's what we need because hello, we have been at

<v Speaker 1>just shy of two hundred and thirty thousand subscribers for

<v Speaker 1>way way too long. Now we are getting back into

<v Speaker 1>the algorithm, which is amazing, but we need to start

<v Speaker 1>to see some serious momentum. When I check the analytics,

<v Speaker 1>I do see that a significant amount of you guys,

<v Speaker 1>I think literally, like it might even be something outrageous,

<v Speaker 1>like ninety percent of you guys that also watch my

<v Speaker 1>channel are not subscribed to my channel, so you don't

<v Speaker 1>know when I'm posting. You probably just think of me,

<v Speaker 1>which I appreciate, and then you come back and watch

<v Speaker 1>another episode. But I want you to make sure that

<v Speaker 1>you're actually subscribed and that you are hyping the video up,

<v Speaker 1>because that's going to tell YouTube. We want to see

<v Speaker 1>her pushed out, and then we can get more subscribers,

<v Speaker 1>and then we can grow as the a team, and

<v Speaker 1>then I can actually do really cool things with you guys,

<v Speaker 1>like certain trips, meetups and the whole nine. I mean,

<v Speaker 1>it just gets bigger and better. So I digress let

<v Speaker 1>me save you some time here. Okay, that man did

<v Speaker 1>not change, all right, He just revealed what his capacity was,

<v Speaker 1>and there's always a capacity limit. Let's just say that

<v Speaker 1>because a man's behavior in the beginning of the relationship

<v Speaker 1>is his max outcome. Okay, That is him showing up

<v Speaker 1>as his entire best. Usually if he's kind of interested

<v Speaker 1>in you, he's gonna show you and pull out all

<v Speaker 1>the stops.

<v Speaker 2>Okay.

<v Speaker 1>Now, what you who could be dealing with is actually

<v Speaker 1>an avoidant man. If you are experiencing these sort of symptoms.

<v Speaker 1>Let's just say, avoidant men are unfortunately not rare, all right.

<v Speaker 1>In fact, if you have an anxious attachment style, which

<v Speaker 1>we can make a separate episode on attachment styles, they're

<v Speaker 1>probably your type, okay, whether you realize it or not.

<v Speaker 1>Because avoidant men do not look avoidant in the beginning,

<v Speaker 1>all right. They look confident, they look independent, they look

<v Speaker 1>emotionally controlled. But what you're actually seeing is a man

<v Speaker 1>who is comfortable with connection until it requires vulnerability. And

<v Speaker 1>this is where we go wrong, because then you think

<v Speaker 1>it's your job to play psychologists and be doctor whomever

<v Speaker 1>and bridge the gap.

<v Speaker 2>No no, no, no, no, my friend, that is in fact,

<v Speaker 2>not your job. So let's talk about what an avoidant

<v Speaker 2>man actually is.

<v Speaker 1>An avoidant man is someone who subconsciously associates closeness with

<v Speaker 1>a loss of freedom. I'm telling you this right now.

<v Speaker 1>Do not fall for these types of men. Please, I'm

<v Speaker 1>gonna repeat this again. An avoidant man is someone who

<v Speaker 1>subconsciously associates closeness with a loss of freedom. You are

<v Speaker 1>going to be in for the ride of your life,

<v Speaker 1>perpetually performing and losing yourself with a man who thinks

<v Speaker 1>like this. With an avoidant period, you will be performing

<v Speaker 1>the entire relationship. Like I said, you're trying to bridge

<v Speaker 1>the gap. So when things start to get deeper, when

<v Speaker 1>emotions start to get involved, when expectations begin to increase,

<v Speaker 1>because inevitably they do in a relationship, when you start

<v Speaker 1>becoming real in his life, his instinct is to create distance.

<v Speaker 1>Once again, it is not your job to try and

<v Speaker 1>bridge the gap. Oh, I just know he's ready away

<v Speaker 1>from his feelings. I need to help him realize what

<v Speaker 1>he's doing. Let him walk away. If it's going to

<v Speaker 1>be that fragile, please let it break. Let it break,

<v Speaker 1>because at the end of the day, trust me, you

<v Speaker 1>will lose yourself. He's fighting you to fight his own emotions.

<v Speaker 1>He can't even sort through it. You're adding frustration to

<v Speaker 1>your plate because you're thinking, if only he can just

<v Speaker 1>understand what he's feeling. It's not your job to sit

<v Speaker 1>here and doctor this man and nurse him back to

<v Speaker 1>health when he can't even decipher through his own emotions.

<v Speaker 1>He's uncomfortable with his own emotions. And that's a part

<v Speaker 1>of what being a leader and a man is about.

<v Speaker 1>A real man is okay with his emotions, especially when

<v Speaker 1>it's not like he's going to be sitting here crying

<v Speaker 1>in front of you. No, the emotion of listen, I

<v Speaker 1>can meet you back with being vulnerable and admitting I'm

<v Speaker 1>feeling this too. You're not crazy. Yes, I do want

<v Speaker 1>to spend time with you. We're talking basic stuff here,

<v Speaker 1>but this man needs help and assistance trying to decipher

<v Speaker 1>through his feelings.

<v Speaker 2>Now you're in for a ride. So if his instinct is.

<v Speaker 1>To create distance because of his subconscious association of getting

<v Speaker 1>close to someone meaning that he's losing his freedom, you're

<v Speaker 1>going to be in for a lot of disrespect because

<v Speaker 1>he's gonna do everything in his power to feel like Huh,

<v Speaker 1>she's not gonna take me away from my life. Yeah,

<v Speaker 1>you know, I need to be free. I don't want

<v Speaker 1>to be tied down. All these things start to come up.

<v Speaker 1>So it's not because you did something wrong. It's because

<v Speaker 1>intimacy itself is a trigger for him. And like I said,

<v Speaker 1>this is where a lot of women tend to get

<v Speaker 1>stuck because instead of recognizing this pattern, you're going to

<v Speaker 1>internalize the behavior. And now you're going to start thinking, well,

<v Speaker 1>maybe I'm asking for too much. Maybe I just need

<v Speaker 1>to give him some space. Maybe if I just show

<v Speaker 1>him I'm different, he'll open up. The massive mistakes, all

<v Speaker 1>of those things. Massive mistake because now you're out talking

<v Speaker 1>yourself and trying to convince yourself, you know what, I'm

<v Speaker 1>asking too much of him.

<v Speaker 2>Let me slow down.

<v Speaker 1>Because you know, I don't think that he's ready for that.

<v Speaker 1>I know that he does feel something, So let me

<v Speaker 1>just give him more time.

<v Speaker 2>I don't want to ruin a good thing.

<v Speaker 1>Maybe I just need to give him his space because

<v Speaker 1>I know he's freaking out right now. That space turns

<v Speaker 1>into forever. Maybe if I just show him that I'm different,

<v Speaker 1>he'll open up to me. He's not I mean, I

<v Speaker 1>remember the time that I had that thought at once, like,

<v Speaker 1>oh you know what, maybe I just need to show

<v Speaker 1>him that I'm a great girl, woo hoo, yippie, and

<v Speaker 1>it got me really next to nowhere, quite frankly. And

<v Speaker 1>I'm not going to let you make the same mistake,

<v Speaker 1>because once they box you where they want to box you,

<v Speaker 1>you will never leave those parameters, Okay, you just won't.

<v Speaker 1>You will always be just said thing in their head.

<v Speaker 1>And I don't want to hear people in my comment

<v Speaker 1>section talking about well the name. I don't care because

<v Speaker 1>the exception never makes the rule. If you have to

<v Speaker 1>talk a man into understanding and deciphering his own feelings

<v Speaker 1>and he's running away from his own feelings, good luck

<v Speaker 1>getting married girl, Good luck.

<v Speaker 2>Do you really want a man that.

<v Speaker 1>Is going to have to be so hard to decode

<v Speaker 1>that you're gonna have to live your life as his

<v Speaker 1>part time translator or even full time translator. You're always

<v Speaker 1>having to initiate the communication to get him to understand

<v Speaker 1>and walk him through what he's feeling and experiencing and

<v Speaker 1>how you can make it better and to see that

<v Speaker 1>you're the one.

<v Speaker 2>Enough is what I've had enough all right, So now.

<v Speaker 1>You've officially answered the trap if you start to have

<v Speaker 1>these questions in your brain, because an avoidant man will

<v Speaker 1>rarely rarely respond to you with overgiving with a deeper commitment, okay, rarely, Ever,

<v Speaker 1>he's going to respond with even more distance.

<v Speaker 2>How do you like that one? Okay?

<v Speaker 1>Because let's get really honest here, Avoidant men are always

<v Speaker 1>going to benefit.

<v Speaker 2>From women who are willing to do the emotional labor

<v Speaker 2>for them. Always. I knew a girl like this.

<v Speaker 1>I mean, she was just so ridiculous, like I couldn't

<v Speaker 1>even believe it. And let's also let me state an

<v Speaker 1>unpopular opinion here. Who you date absolutely does affect your

<v Speaker 1>friends and your friend group. I'm telling you this right

<v Speaker 1>now because being in the wrong relationship the wrong man

<v Speaker 1>will always give you the wrong plan. And when I

<v Speaker 1>tell you, your girls are tired of you being the

<v Speaker 1>one who is in these poor relationships over and over

<v Speaker 1>and over again, you're venting dumping everything. I understand, what

<v Speaker 1>are friends for?

<v Speaker 2>Right? But then you turn around and we're having.

<v Speaker 1>To hear you make the same mistakes over and over

<v Speaker 1>again because you genuinely think everything is different, and your

<v Speaker 1>friends are seeing objectively that it's not. And I remember

<v Speaker 1>I was friends with this girl once and it was

<v Speaker 1>just exhausting. I mean, give her a take. She was

<v Speaker 1>younger than me, but she seemed like she, I guess

<v Speaker 1>put it like this, being successful or being a certain

<v Speaker 1>way in business has absolutely nothing to do with how

<v Speaker 1>you course through life and your maturity in life in

<v Speaker 1>any capacity.

<v Speaker 2>They are two polar opposite things.

<v Speaker 1>And so this individual would kind of ask for advice,

<v Speaker 1>but she was determined to get a certain outcome, to

<v Speaker 1>say the least, and because of that, she doesn't realize

<v Speaker 1>she's fostering a relationship with someone that she had to

<v Speaker 1>force to pretty much be with her because she has

<v Speaker 1>to chat GBT one more really romantic response.

<v Speaker 2>She has to.

<v Speaker 1>Say one last thing so she can turn this guy's

<v Speaker 1>mind around. And the beginning of the relationship, the guy

<v Speaker 1>barely seemed like he was interested in her until one

<v Speaker 1>random day, I suppose, you know, she sent him some

<v Speaker 1>sort of paragraph message and then he was like, oh,

<v Speaker 1>you have my heart or something like.

<v Speaker 2>It was just very bizarre.

<v Speaker 1>If I'm going to be honest, like from the outside

<v Speaker 1>looking in, girl, okay, that's her business. But at the

<v Speaker 1>end of the day, I say, all that to say

<v Speaker 1>we are no longer friends, okay, because it's just like

<v Speaker 1>there is a correspondence, like who that person became when

<v Speaker 1>she got with that person was just a nightmare. So

<v Speaker 1>I only knew her for a short time period anyway,

<v Speaker 1>So it's really fine, no love loss. But at the

<v Speaker 1>end of the day, I realized, like whoa this person

<v Speaker 1>like really puts their everything into relationships, and this was

<v Speaker 1>her goal. She just wanted this relationship more than she

<v Speaker 1>wanted anything else. And she values her relationship with having

<v Speaker 1>a boyfriend all the time more than she values her

<v Speaker 1>friendship with woman. So there's already misalignment right there. But

<v Speaker 1>I noticed she was doing majority of the emotional labor.

<v Speaker 1>Hence why I'm bringing this up. She was doing the

<v Speaker 1>emotional labor. She does not realize she does the emotional

<v Speaker 1>labor because she doesn't care because as long as the

<v Speaker 1>outcome is I get to say that he's my boyfriend,

<v Speaker 1>it doesn't matter how much work she's putting into it.

<v Speaker 2>Also misalignment.

<v Speaker 1>Okay, so woman who over explained, they over accommodate, they overstay,

<v Speaker 1>all right, that's what it looks like when you we're

<v Speaker 1>doing the emotional labor. You always have to have the

<v Speaker 1>last word of getting him to understand how things are,

<v Speaker 1>what's really going on, understanding his feelings, trying to get

<v Speaker 1>him to not walk away, fight for the relationship. I'm

<v Speaker 1>not giving up on us. I don't think you should too.

<v Speaker 1>These are the things that she would say. I mean,

<v Speaker 1>just outrageous, pouring her like soul out to someone that

<v Speaker 1>she barely had a relationship with. I mean, it was

<v Speaker 1>really some scary stuff, okay. And if you're not careful

<v Speaker 1>you return yourself into the most understanding, patient, low maintenance

<v Speaker 1>version of yourself. That's what will end up happening, all right,

<v Speaker 1>because you're trying so hard to be this thing for

<v Speaker 1>this man and that relationship just to keep a man

<v Speaker 1>who is not even really meeting you in the middle

<v Speaker 1>in any capacity, who's not.

<v Speaker 2>Meeting your period. How about that?

<v Speaker 1>So let's break down the sign that you are, in

<v Speaker 1>fact dealing with an avoidant man. Well, one, he's gonna

<v Speaker 1>be inconsistent, all right, he'll you know, but charming enough

<v Speaker 1>to keep you hooked. Like I said, could be some

<v Speaker 1>breadcrumbing going on. Maybe he's responding to your Instagram stories.

<v Speaker 1>Sometimes you might get a beautiful with a heart eye emoji.

<v Speaker 1>Sometimes you might get a love this outfit on you.

<v Speaker 1>Nothing really beyond that, all right. He pulls away when

<v Speaker 1>things start to get serious. All of a sudden, he

<v Speaker 1>gets more busy with his job. All of a sudden,

<v Speaker 1>he just needed time to, you know, time to hisself.

<v Speaker 1>He's not really a big texture, He's not really on

<v Speaker 1>his phone that much. He hasn't dated in a while,

<v Speaker 1>so he's a little rusty. He's been taking a break

<v Speaker 1>from being in a relationship. He's okay with whatever happens,

<v Speaker 1>no expectations. He struggles to communicate emotions or he shuts

<v Speaker 1>down during conflict. When I tell you, biggest nightmare ever,

<v Speaker 1>you do not ever want to be with a man

<v Speaker 1>like this, because you will end up apologizing for things

<v Speaker 1>one you shouldn't even be apologizing for. And while you're

<v Speaker 1>trying to express yourself to be heard and understood, you're

<v Speaker 1>also trying to decipher through his feelings to try and

<v Speaker 1>make him feel heard and understood. He can't advocate for himself,

<v Speaker 1>and he knows that you're gonna be the one that

<v Speaker 1>ends up coming around anyway, because he knows you're desperate.

<v Speaker 1>He knows you're desperate and This is where a lot

<v Speaker 1>of women get confused. They think just because they got

<v Speaker 1>the guy, the optics of the man, they think, oh,

<v Speaker 1>I've won, sweetie.

<v Speaker 2>No you haven't. You haven't.

<v Speaker 1>Just because you have a man next to you does

<v Speaker 1>not mean you're winning in life, does not mean that

<v Speaker 1>you're actually reaching what your goal is. But people are

<v Speaker 1>great at optics, and they're great at making it seem

<v Speaker 1>like they're living their best life. They have the relationship

<v Speaker 1>that they want, but you don't really know the work

<v Speaker 1>that was put behind it. Okay, the psyche must always

<v Speaker 1>be heard, so you start to realize where there's cracks

<v Speaker 1>and there's holes. When they with how they speak and

<v Speaker 1>perceive other couples, it comes out the things that they're

<v Speaker 1>really experiencing and the things that they're feeling.

<v Speaker 2>Oh well, I don't really think they're really that happy.

<v Speaker 2>I mean, who really is? Right? Am I? Right? Yeah?

<v Speaker 2>Because you're not?

<v Speaker 1>Or well, there's nothing wrong with like hitting a guy

<v Speaker 1>up first and stuff like that, because sometimes they don't

<v Speaker 1>know because you did it, so you think that's okay,

<v Speaker 1>you see what I'm saying. Birds of a feather, they

<v Speaker 1>sure do flock together. Okay, Now this guy will also

<v Speaker 1>pull away when he feels that things are starting to

<v Speaker 1>get serious. What a child's right, what a child's lack

<v Speaker 1>of commitment is not sexy in any capacity. And I'm

<v Speaker 1>willing to bet that there is a correlation between where

<v Speaker 1>that man is in life and also meaning in career

<v Speaker 1>and status, and where he is emotionally as well, because

<v Speaker 1>every smart person, every smart man, understands the value of

<v Speaker 1>one monogamy and also having a solid relationship with a woman.

<v Speaker 2>By her side.

<v Speaker 1>They understand that intrinsically because being with the right partner.

<v Speaker 2>Is always going to elevate you in life.

<v Speaker 1>When you have the right partner, it will always elevate

<v Speaker 1>you in life, not make you feel like you're dragging

<v Speaker 1>yourself down, not taking things from you.

<v Speaker 2>That's the right partner for you.

<v Speaker 1>Okay, But if this man is going to be pulling

<v Speaker 1>away as soon as things get serious, why the heck

<v Speaker 1>would you want to be with someone like that. I

<v Speaker 1>promise you say the right thing. Go ahead, chat GBT

<v Speaker 1>your way through your relationship. Next thing you know, now

<v Speaker 1>three years have gone by, four years have gone by,

<v Speaker 1>six years have gone by. Now it's like, okay, you

<v Speaker 1>want to get married. There's no marriage in sight. This

<v Speaker 1>man has never spoke about going beyond this commitment with you,

<v Speaker 1>and now you're trying to drop hints, oh, when we

<v Speaker 1>get married, all these different things. He never initiates these conversations.

<v Speaker 1>Now he's pulling away from you again. It's the second

<v Speaker 1>wave of pulling away. This time it's even harder because

<v Speaker 1>now you're more confused because you're like, dang, I thought

<v Speaker 1>I thought we overcame this. I thought we were done

<v Speaker 1>with this phase. Like, I don't understand we're already together.

<v Speaker 1>What is I don't understand? What are you? Where's your

<v Speaker 1>head at? He hasn't evolved out of that because you

<v Speaker 1>have always done the emotional labor for him. So he's

<v Speaker 1>just going with the flow, all right, or he's going

<v Speaker 1>to struggle to communicate his emotions, or he's going to

<v Speaker 1>make you feel like you're too much for having normal

<v Speaker 1>needs every time you start to bring up Okay, it's

<v Speaker 1>been five years and we're not together. And I'm not

<v Speaker 1>talking about if you're twenty two and it's been five years, okay,

<v Speaker 1>I'm talking like you're over the age of thirty, and

<v Speaker 1>it's like, all right, now you're about to be thirty five.

<v Speaker 1>You should know by now. You should definitively know by now.

<v Speaker 1>He should definitively know by now. End of story. Men

<v Speaker 1>know before women do. Please do not ever forget that

<v Speaker 1>men know before women do. When you think about that,

<v Speaker 1>think about how much time you've wasted. Think about how

<v Speaker 1>much time you're wasting when men know already whether or

<v Speaker 1>not they want to.

<v Speaker 2>Be with you, they know before you do.

<v Speaker 1>So if you always don't lit life to me, but

<v Speaker 1>don't lie to yourself, if you have always felt deep

<v Speaker 1>down like dang, I mean, I guess I gotta really

<v Speaker 1>take this thing home, don't I, Because I mean, why

<v Speaker 1>stop here? Might as well just take it all the

<v Speaker 1>way to the altar girl, Good luck to you.

<v Speaker 2>People like that are.

<v Speaker 1>Very dangerous, Like I could never be friends with people

<v Speaker 1>like that, like very dangerous because it's like they will

<v Speaker 1>really go far when they know that, Like in controlling

<v Speaker 1>people that they just will stop it nothing. It's bizarre,

<v Speaker 1>like instead of just letting things naturally happen and just

<v Speaker 1>taking it on the chin and saying, you know what

<v Speaker 1>it is, what it is. I'm not in the business

<v Speaker 1>of forcing feelings on anyone. It is what it is.

<v Speaker 1>But no, these people would rather drive it home. And

<v Speaker 1>they believe in fighting for love. I don't, Okay, So

<v Speaker 1>there's always that I don't believe in fighting for love,

<v Speaker 1>especially in the context of convincing someone that they do

<v Speaker 1>love me and that they do like me, and that

<v Speaker 1>they do want to spend the rest of their lives

<v Speaker 1>with me.

<v Speaker 2>Good luck, good luck, and goodbye goodbye. Okay.

<v Speaker 1>Most importantly, you will feel more anxious than you do secure.

<v Speaker 1>This is why you're always spiraling. Bringing it back to

<v Speaker 1>that person I was mentioning before she was spiraling every

<v Speaker 1>other day, like when I tell you the guy broke

<v Speaker 1>up with her a million times before they ever were

<v Speaker 1>really official, Like she was crying every other week, and

<v Speaker 1>it's to the And I told her, I said, this

<v Speaker 1>is going to get to the point where you're gonna

<v Speaker 1>be so embarrassed. You're gonna start to isolate yourself from

<v Speaker 1>your friends because you're not gonna want to tell us

<v Speaker 1>anymore what's going on, because that's how frequent it's going

<v Speaker 1>to get. And I told her, I said, listen respectfully,

<v Speaker 1>Like I was like, friend, you're being toxic, and she admitted, yeah,

<v Speaker 1>I am toxic.

<v Speaker 2>And I was like, whoa, that's when I was.

<v Speaker 1>Like, Okay, I definitely need to take a step back

<v Speaker 1>forever from this friendship because that's weird how you're so

<v Speaker 1>undone and it's affecting like our friendship somehow, you know

<v Speaker 1>what I mean? Because our friendship began to revolve around

<v Speaker 1>her relationship. It was just there are girls like that,

<v Speaker 1>and it's like, Okay, I got step away. Why is

<v Speaker 1>our friendship revolving around your relationship? And what is he doing?

<v Speaker 1>And what did he mean? And why did he do this?

<v Speaker 1>And why did he say this? And what do I

<v Speaker 1>think that he said or why do I think he

<v Speaker 1>did that? I can't and I won't, so I don't.

<v Speaker 1>All right, when you're feeling more anxious than you're feeling secure,

<v Speaker 1>that speaks for itself. That's not a reason to tap in. Well,

<v Speaker 1>I'm just always so used to being in Yeah, exactly.

<v Speaker 1>We understand that our brain wants familiarity over growth. We

<v Speaker 1>get that, all right, But we have to challenge ourselves

<v Speaker 1>because forever. It's a very long time, ladies and gentlemen.

<v Speaker 1>And it's always fun in games when you have a

<v Speaker 1>goal until you have to sit with that decision for

<v Speaker 1>like the remainder of your life. Okay, And this last

<v Speaker 1>one is the biggest indicator here, because healthy love does

<v Speaker 1>not feel like confusion. Healthy love does not feel like confusion.

<v Speaker 2>And this is what most people probably won't even tell you.

<v Speaker 1>Avoidant men do not change because you loved them better,

<v Speaker 1>you loved them out of whatever condition.

<v Speaker 2>That they came in.

<v Speaker 1>No, they change when they decide to confront themselves. And

<v Speaker 1>that is not something that you can or ever will

<v Speaker 1>be able to control.

<v Speaker 2>Sit with that.

<v Speaker 1>So what do you do if you keep on attracting

<v Speaker 1>avoidant men? First, you need to stop romanticizing the potential,

<v Speaker 1>all right. Potential is always going to be potential. It's

<v Speaker 1>not rooted in reality. You're not dating who he could be.

<v Speaker 1>You are dating who he is, consistently who he is.

<v Speaker 1>And second, you need to stop over functioning right where

<v Speaker 1>you're sitting here doing the emotional labor. You're sitting here

<v Speaker 1>making the plans. He gets away with it because he

<v Speaker 1>planned one date for you. You're so grateful. Now you know

<v Speaker 1>he's serious, because he finally just met your one little requirement.

<v Speaker 1>And now you can rest in your controlling capabilities. Now

<v Speaker 1>you can be like, Okay, now I know he's invested

<v Speaker 1>in me. We went on this one date, all right, next,

<v Speaker 1>hey just wanted to know if you were around.

<v Speaker 2>It really just shows, like how the things that we.

<v Speaker 1>Accept as woman in the dating process really just shows

<v Speaker 1>what we think of ourselves.

<v Speaker 2>Doesn't It doesn't? It right? It does?

<v Speaker 1>And for the last time, ladies, please stay out of

<v Speaker 1>these men's homes.

<v Speaker 2>All right.

<v Speaker 1>There's no reason for you to be going on a

<v Speaker 1>date with a man and he's bringing you back to

<v Speaker 1>his house. You went on two dates. Why are you

<v Speaker 1>at this man's home? What is there to happen at

<v Speaker 1>this man's home. I don't understand. If he wanted to

<v Speaker 1>use the restroom, he could have gone to McDonald's. All right,

<v Speaker 1>there's no reason to ever be at this man's home

<v Speaker 1>because it's only going to ever go one way. It's

<v Speaker 1>always going to go a little bit too far. You

<v Speaker 1>walk away thinking, well, at least I didn't go all

<v Speaker 1>the way. But now you don't realize what you just

<v Speaker 1>sent a message to that man saying that you're very unseerious,

<v Speaker 1>yet you want commitment. Now your feelings are more involved

<v Speaker 1>because you're thinking, oh, well, I mean I don't know

<v Speaker 1>the chemistry, and that you just don't learn.

<v Speaker 2>You don't. Some of you are very unhelpable, okay.

<v Speaker 1>And I can lead you to the water, but I

<v Speaker 1>cannot make you drink.

<v Speaker 2>Okay, I can't. I can't.

<v Speaker 1>It's painful to realize how some people just repeat their

<v Speaker 1>mistakes over and over again because there's a part of

<v Speaker 1>them that really hopes that this next time is going

<v Speaker 1>to be different, and it's not. It's the same case

<v Speaker 1>with a different face, and you keep on showing up

<v Speaker 1>in the same capacity.

<v Speaker 2>All right.

<v Speaker 1>There's no reason for you to be at these men's homes,

<v Speaker 1>all right, because only certain things occur there.

<v Speaker 2>That's it, end of story. I digress.

<v Speaker 1>If you feel like you're doing most of the initiating,

<v Speaker 1>if you feel like you are doing most of the

<v Speaker 1>emotional work, if you feel like you are doing most

<v Speaker 1>of the understanding, hello, then that's your cue to pull back,

<v Speaker 1>not lean and harder.

<v Speaker 2>If it's fragile, please let it break.

<v Speaker 1>Third, you need to raise your standard for what feels safe,

<v Speaker 1>all right. Please raise your standards for what feels safe

<v Speaker 1>to you. Not exciting, not intense, not chemistry, safe safe,

<v Speaker 1>because a secure man will never make you question where

<v Speaker 1>you stand. It is so intrinsic it's like you don't

<v Speaker 1>feel the need to even test it. It's just a knowing,

<v Speaker 1>like you know your your name. It's a knowing that

<v Speaker 1>you have of Okay, yeah, I trust this. I'm going

<v Speaker 1>along with this ride, right, and I'm going to say

<v Speaker 1>something that might sting a little. Some of you actually

<v Speaker 1>don't even want a secure man. Okay, keep a buck

<v Speaker 1>a buck you think you do. But when a man

<v Speaker 1>is consistent, when he's clear, when he's emotionally available, you

<v Speaker 1>feel bored, you feel unsure. Now you're feeling like something

<v Speaker 1>is missing. And you know what's missing. It's the emotional

<v Speaker 1>rollercoaster that you've gotten used to.

<v Speaker 2>That's what's missing.

<v Speaker 1>You know what's missing. A brain cell in you. Okay,

<v Speaker 1>that's also potentially missing. We have to really take radical

<v Speaker 1>accountability for the relationships that we are allowing into our lives.

<v Speaker 1>So this is bigger than just avoiding avoidant men, right.

<v Speaker 1>This is about asking yourself, why does inconsistency feel more

<v Speaker 1>exciting than stability to me in this context? Why do

<v Speaker 1>I feel like I need to prove myself in love?

<v Speaker 1>And I'm telling you you actually do have to do

<v Speaker 1>the boring work to heal yourself from these things or

<v Speaker 1>you're going to keep on encountering the same thing. Then

<v Speaker 1>you're going to feel like, oh, all men are the same.

<v Speaker 1>Oh uh, I hate men. You're gonna be one of

<v Speaker 1>those man haters and all these different things. Yes, I

<v Speaker 1>talk a lot about dating and relationships with men, all

<v Speaker 1>the different things, but I'm not an actual man hater

<v Speaker 1>because I understand how relationships go. I like the choices

<v Speaker 1>that I make in relationships. I'm already in a relationship

<v Speaker 1>like you understand. And I've seen and witness so much

<v Speaker 1>throughout my entire career in speaking to women all around

<v Speaker 1>the world, et cetera, et cetera, that I know, I

<v Speaker 1>know how a lot of this stuff goes, all right.

<v Speaker 1>I don't know everything here, but I know how a

<v Speaker 1>lot of this stuff goes. And there are just certain

<v Speaker 1>things that are inevitable and you can you cannot avoid that,

<v Speaker 1>all right? Why am I attracted to men that make

<v Speaker 1>me feel uncertain? Like who's love and affection? Am I

<v Speaker 1>really trying to get here?

<v Speaker 2>All right?

<v Speaker 1>Because studies have shown psychologically we tend to date people

<v Speaker 1>who remind us of our most difficult parents because we

<v Speaker 1>are trying to redo the dynamic.

<v Speaker 2>Hello, let that.

<v Speaker 1>Sync in so you know, until you answer these questions,

<v Speaker 1>you will keep finding different men with the same pattern.

<v Speaker 2>So I'm going to leave you with this. You are

<v Speaker 2>not hard to love.

<v Speaker 1>Okay, but you might be used to peek to loving

<v Speaker 1>people who are hard to keep, all right, And those

<v Speaker 1>are two very different things. Because if a man is

<v Speaker 1>interested in you, you will feel it in his consistency.

<v Speaker 1>If he's avoidant, you will feel it in your anxiety.

<v Speaker 1>And your job is not to decode that man, all right,

<v Speaker 1>It is to decide if that experience is something that

<v Speaker 1>you're even willing to accept. And this is because the

<v Speaker 1>right relationship will not require you to abandon yourself just

<v Speaker 1>for you to keep it. I want you, guys, to

<v Speaker 1>hype this video. If you are watching this on YouTube,

<v Speaker 1>if you are listening, I want you to rate.

<v Speaker 2>This podcast five stars. Wherever it is that you are listening.

<v Speaker 1>If you have enjoyed this episode, let me know in

<v Speaker 1>the comment section down below. Honestly, let's leave a white

<v Speaker 1>heart and the comment section for those of you that

<v Speaker 1>are watching and maybe even those of you that have

<v Speaker 1>listened as well. And with that thanks said, do not

<v Speaker 1>forget that I love you, and God loves you. I'll

<v Speaker 1>speak to you, beautiful angels in my next podcast episode.