Our kids are coming to us with 55 fucking comments and questions all day long. Can you imagine if we just didn't respond and ignored them? No, we wouldn't do that because we respect that child and we love that child, so we're gonna answer the questions. But when we deal with our ex, they don't respect or love us anymore, and so it's very easy for them to just ignore.

All right, what do you do when your ex won't answer the phone, won't respond to messages, and won't help you make a decision? In today's episode, we are gonna unlock the rules on how to get things done when you have a parent that constantly ghosts you. Let's get into it.

One of the biggest frustrations in co-parenting sometime isn't always what your ex says. It's when they say nothing at all. They ghost you. They don't respond. They ignore your questions. They don't answer anything that you've brought up to them. They answer questions with a completely unrelated subject, or they answer about some other task or thing, or they ask you a question, but they avoid the question that you asked them, right?

And they ghost you. Today, I'm gonna teach you one of my favorite tools in dealing with this high-conflict situation because it is a problem. They're trying to be disrespectful. They're trying to not include you. They don't want to do joint decision-making, and I know you really don't either, but we're forced to with our paperwork.

You're just trying to get a decision done, so you reach out. Nothing, and so what do you do now? And a lot of you just freeze, right? And you're like, "Well, I'm not allowed to make a unilateral decision. I'm not allowed to go rogue. I'm not allowed to make a choice, so what do I do? Do I keep waiting? Do I just sit here?"

Do I send a follow-up? Do I cancel the plans? Do I let my kids miss this opportunity? No. No. We're gonna fix that today because I am so tired of our kids paying the price because some co-parent wants to sit on their ass and just ignore. Like, like, when did we get the option to just ignore, right? Our kids are coming to us with 55 fucking comments and questions all day long.

Can you imagine if we just didn't respond and ignored them? No, we wouldn't do that because we respect that child, and we love that child, so we're gonna answer the questions. But when we deal with our ex, they don't respect or love us anymore, and so it's very easy for them to just ignore. And a lot of times, the parent that is doing this is somebody that has no clue the amount of work it takes to actually raise children.

They have no clue the 5,500 things we do in a week to make shit happen. They don't read all of the emails from the school and know that this need was needed on Tuesday, and this was needed on Thursday, and oh yeah, next week we have this. They don't, they don't care. So when we ask them a question, they think there's, like, all the time in the world to answer.

And what they don't realize is a lot of us are up against the clock with school or an extracurricular who says, "Hey, I'm giving this to your kid on Tuesday. I need it back by Thursday." Th- uh, two days? My ex doesn't respond within, like, a week and a half, and you think I'm gonna get it back in two days? I can't do that.

And so then you have to go to your kid and be like, "Hey, kid, um, yeah, sorry." And you don't wanna out the other parent because that's an asshole thing to do. So then you're just like, "Yeah, I don't know if we can say yes to you on that. I don't know if we can say..." Like, you feel paralyzed because another adult is choosing to ghost you.

Right? I mean, they read it, and then they just decided, "You know what I'm gonna do? I'm just gonna sit on this." Right? And a lot of you are doing it wrong from the word jump on how you send the message, and that's what we're gonna navigate today, is how to send a better message to make sure you've covered your own ass, that you do get to go ahead and make a decision.

Now, again, I'm gonna say this, none of this is legal advice. This is common sense co-parenting with high conflict. That's what this is. And I would love for somebody to throw me in contempt for, you know, doing this process that I'm gonna talk about today. And then you know what I would say? "Tell me how I could have done it different.

Tell me how I could have done it any better." But shouldn't the bigger question be is why did I have to do this? Oh, yeah, the fucking first part of this is that this person chose to fucking ignore me not once, not twice, but a pattern of the last 17 fucking times I've asked a question. So I decided to mix it up on number 18 and give a different way of doing things.

My bad. But just as much as I'm getting yelled at today, can you go back and yell at them for the 17 other things that they ignored And ghosted me on. I mean, if we're pointing fingers, let's point one over there, too. So I want you to go into this really thinking about how will this work in my dynamic, my high-conflict journey, my co-parent.

Because we all know shit has to be decided sometimes. We have to be able to get it going. We can't wait for days for a response. So this is all about ghosting. People that ghost, here's your solution. First thing, always remember when you're communicating with anybody, high conflict or just a decent co-parent, we're still using the BIFF method, okay?

BIFF method, we're keeping it brief, we're keeping it informative. It says firm or friendly. I say factual and firm. There's no emotions. There's no long-winded over-explanation. There's no over-sharing. There's no history lesson. There's no accusations. Now, you might need to take a class on BIFF because some of y'all are some over-explainers.

Too much detail. You are long-ass winded, and you overshare way too much. You're using it as a protective tool to make sure that you look like you're being very informative. Sometimes y'all are giving way too much tea, okay? The second rule is that everything needs to be in writing. No more of this conversations.

No more of this, uh, on face-to-face. No more of this in the driveway. Knock that shit off. Knock it off. I know you're trying to come across as friendly, especially maybe to your child who's standing there, but everything has to be able to be documented, so use writing. My ex-husband and I would talk in the driveway, and then he would say, "Can you put that in an email as soon as you get home?"

"Absolutely." And I would say, "Hey, I was just in your driveway 15 minutes ago on a Tuesday at 4:30 dropping the kids off, and we discussed vacation, and here's what we came up with. You agree. Is that how you heard it?" "Yes, it is." "Okay, documented, done." You have to have things in writing, so either a court-appointed app or email, but not WhatsApp, and not Snapchat, and not texting.

We're all adults now. Put your big boy pants on, put our big girl pants on, and use a fucking parenting app or use an email. I saw two really good ideas, and I'll share them here. Number one, always create an email that's just for divorce and co-parenting. Okay? Always something separate from work, and friends, and social email.

Just a divorce co-parenting email only. Okay? Sambosskids@gmail.com. Let's do it. That's... It's only to check w- in with my ex. It's only to check in on divorce stuff. Okay? So when I work, I don't get distracted. Number two, I saw this really good, uh, idea on TikTok. A woman said she went and got a second phone, cheap, no internet, nothing, just phone.

That's it. Um, and obviously, it had texting, uh, and it had email, but it didn't have, like, a huge data package, I guess, is what I'm trying to say. And that was the phone number and/or the phone that she used only for co-parenting. She said it added $10 once she bought the phone, and again, she bought an older generation.

It was $10 for the phone line to have an additional line, and she used that for her kids to use. She used that to communicate with them. Everything was on email on that phone alone, and so it gave her a buffer for a boundary that she only had access to that conversation and with her ex when she had that phone in her hand.

Fucking genius if you have the funds to do that. I love that. But we're done talking. The third rule, clear subject lines, and this is where a lot of you are going wrong. You're putting 16 questions in one email or one conversation. I'm telling you what, your high-conflict ex, you know what the last thought on their o- their brain is?

The last question. They're not gonna go back through and be secretarial and be like, "Oh, I'm gonna answer question one, and question two, and question three." Plus, all of you are writing in paragraph form. Gross. Stop it. Bullets, simple, lines, clearly read. This isn't just for your ex. This is for documentation reasons, which will be read by somebody else later.

You writing in big old ass paragraphs like a fucking love note or a murder mystery, you pick which, I'm not doing. I'm not doing that anymore, guys. W- stop writing in paragraph form. First off, can your ex even read that much? Do they want to read that much? Do they have the attention span to read that much?

Especially coming from you, the author. Let's think about this One subject per communication. Well, Sam, I got five questions. Five fucking communications then. I'm sorry. But it has to be subject line by subject line. I get lost once there's, like, five conversations going on in the same email, 'cause then I'm like, "Oh, here's the answer to your first one.

Oh, here's the answer to your..." Like, no. One subject per communication. Okay? Subject line is critical. That way, it's searchable, right? Dentist, I can type in dentist, boom. All the emails or all the communications about dentists pop up. Summer camp, soccer registration, school field trip. Whatever it is, I want the identifying marker to be just in the subject line.

All right? And that's it. You have to start eliminating how much you're communicating, and that starts way back with having a very good parenting plan. A good parenting plan should eliminate all conversations. Minimal to where there's only really emergency, emergency transportation issues, and health issues.

A good parenting plan eliminates most, if not all, of your conversations. How do I know that? I custom build them every single day. We eliminate the need to cooperate because that's impossible. Been doing this a long time. All right? The fourth rule, be very specific with what your question is. Okay, so we've done the Biff method, subject line, we're keeping it simple, blah, blah, blah, blah.

We don't ask, "What do you think?" Think about that, guys. What do you think to a high-conflict parent? What do you think? I can tell you right now. They think you're a piece of shit, they think you're lazy, they think you're taking money, that you... No. Stop asking them, "What do you think?" You need to give them options.

Now, I know when you hear this, you're probably gonna be like, "Sam, this is, like, very juvenile." Yes. Keep it simple, Sally. Quit trying to complicate things. Okay? So instead of saying, "What do you think?" or, "Do you want to?" I'm gonna say, "Are you available to take Jack to his dental appointment on Thursday, August 4th at 10:00 AM?"

Even better, "Would you like to take Jack to the appointment, or would you prefer I take him and you pick him up after school?" I'm giving options, option one, option two. You can do this with damn near anything. Damn near anything. If there's a form that needs to be signed, you can say, "Hey, do you wanna swing by and sign this, or do you want me to just sign it and send it in?"

Uh, two options. That's the first part, okay? That's the first part. So we have subject line, then we have option. Option one, option two. Option one, option two. Don't throw in three because they can't handle it, okay? The fifth rule, give a deadline. You guys don't give deadlines. You're just, "What do you think?

What do you think?" What do- they're not gonna get back to you with what do you think or what do you wanna do. First off, some of them are not real smart. And I don't mean that to be rude. That's just a fact. They had no idea about the dentist appointment you told them about six weeks ago. They didn't remember 'cause they didn't write shit down.

Why? 'Cause they don't need to because you are masterful at keeping track of everything. Why would they need to write it down? Never wrote anything down in frigging four years. Why the hell would they write anything down now? So you say, "Please let me know by Thursday, July 25th, at noon. By noon." Not ASAP, not soon, not whenever.

Be specific with when you need to know. Is he picking Jack up or not? Is he picking him up before school or after school? Is he taking him to the appointment or after school? I need to know by Thursday at noon Now, some of you are like, "Sam, that sounds very controlling." So is ghosting you and leaving you paralyzed with you don't know what a plan is.

So is ghosting you. You may think, "Sam, it's an asshole move to tell them exactly when they have to get back to me." No, an asshole move is that I had to create this juvenile fucking rule to begin with because their ass isn't adult enough to respond back in a timely, conductive manner to function like co-parents.

That was the first asshole move. This is just dealing with it. This is just dealing with an asshole, somebody that just goes, "I'm better than you, and I don't need to respond to you." Okay, well, guess what? Gig's up. If you don't respond to me by Thursday at noon, I'm picking my own fucking choice, and that's what you do.

You give the deadline because you're not waiting, and you're not giving them control over the timeline. Life doesn't go, "Oh, well, let's pause until Stacy or Steve have time to get back to me." Schools don't work that way. Doctor's offices don't work that way. I know coaches don't work that way. Some of this shit is turn around by next day.

And a high-conflict parent's over there like, "You just asked me that three days ago. You expect an answer?" Yeah. That's how fucking raising kids works. Uh-huh. Yep. Gotta have it. Let's get to it. So the sixth rule is state what happens if they don't respond. What's gonna happen? This is the magic of all of it.

You say, "If I don't hear f- back from you by Thursday on the 25th at noon, I'm gonna plan ahead and take Jack to the appointment, and you can pick him up like normal after school." Now everybody knows what's happening. I asked you, gave you a deadline, and here's what's gonna happen if I don't hear from you, AKA you ghost me like you always do.

Here's what's happening in that meantime. Why does this work? It allows them to respond or not respond. If they choose not to respond, they know what's happening. But either way, life is still happening. We're still moving on to the appointment with Jack at the dentist office on the 20- what, uh, 27th. I, we already know.

We already know. That's what's happening. High-conflict people hate the structure that we're trying to have here because structure removes the opportunity for their chaos, and their bullshit, and their tendency to just wanna make everything way more difficult. But this process that I just taught you eliminates confusion, eliminates last-minute emergencies and endless waiting.

But a lot of it starts back with what does your... The whole situation I gave you today can be easily fixed already in the parenting plan for you, and you never even had to ask the question. If your parenting plan is written well enough, what I gave you as an example today would already have been figured out.

That's the level of detail we give, and I'm so tired of these parenting plans still leaving the both of you to have to constantly be cooperating in a season that most of you are in, which is conflict, not cooperation. It's frustrating to me. It's frustrating to me. This could be easily solved one of two ways.

Number one, list whoever takes the parent, the parent is that takes children to all said non-emergent appointments, scheduled appointments. This dental appointment is a non-emergent scheduled appointment. Which parent does that? Or you can say whose ever visitation is the nighttime sleepover, that's the parent that takes them to that appointment.

Or you could say wherever they wake up is the parent that takes them to that. You can fix this problem when you build your parenting plan. I do it every day. I do it every day. But the pushback you might hear is your ex say, "You're making a unilateral decision." No, I'm not. I asked you a question days ago.

I gave you options. I gave you a timeline to respond, and then I said, "Hey, if you don't," which you typically don't, and I have a documentation showing that on average 70% of the time, 73% of the time actually, you never respond. So I'm sick of living life that way, so I went ahead and came up with a solution.

Parents should be able to address this. So first, what's your communication method? App, phone, doing email? What is it? Get away from talking and get it more into an app or email only. What are your hours? I only respond from this to this. Eight to four. After four, if it's not a health emergency or a transportation emergency, you will get me the following morning at 8:00 AM.

But at 4:00, I'm clocking out and clocking into my children, or myself if I don't have the children. Response time, 24 hours, 48 hours, 72 hours? I don't know. What's listed in your parenting plan? It should be something. Because then their asses are in content when they ghost. And you document. Another important tool to use is JADE, and this is where a lot of you need to learn.

Stop justifying yourself, stop arguing with them, stop defending yourself, and stop explaining. High-conflict people, when you do one of those four, if not all, game on. Game on, like gangbusters. They're obsessed. They love this for them, that you are now word vomiting too much information. Again, we're not doing paragraphs anymore, guys.

Bullet points. Simple bullet points. Easy to read later when the judge has to read your communication. So what is this really about? Your ex wanting to control, and you're done with it. You're taking back your own power. You're not enforcing power. You're taking back your own power to move throughout your day and make decisions for your children, trusting yourself, trusting that you're parenting right, trusting that this is...

We, we need to turn this in. We need to make a choice. This needs to happen. I can't keep waiting. It causes so much anxiety, and w- who does that domino effect into? Our children. When I'm sitting there and the child's like, "So can I sign up for floor hockey? Can I sign up for floor hockey?" You're like, "Well, I mean, I want you to do floor hockey, but I can't tell you I want you to do floor hockey.

Oh, your dad and I have to think about it and talk about it." And you're like, "Would you fucking answer me?" And your kid's like, "Can I do it? Can I do it?" It doesn't work that way. So now what we have to dive into is the formula. Option A, option B. Let me know by when. If I don't hear from you, I will what? Make it simple.

Make it clear. Make it documented. Okay? The key message here is it's not to force them to respond. It's to deal with the pattern they're showing you, which is they wanna move slow, and they wanna ghost. So if they do, here's what we're gonna do. So if your parenting plan clearly does not address communication expectations, let our team help you.

Let our team help you, and we will custom build you the best that there is, and we'll go from there. But a lot of the things that you're communicating about can be fixed in the parenting plan It can be eliminated a lot of the conversations that you are having. A parenting plan should not be vague, it should not be emotional, and it should not be rushed, right?

They should be strategic, and I want my team to create that for you. So allow my team to help you build a custom parenting plan that eliminates a lot of the conversation you don't wanna have with your ex, along with build a very clear structure of what the communication should look like