<v Speaker 1>And these types of people will weaponize your vulnerability, okay?

<v Speaker 1>If you explain your fears, your concerns, your past, or

<v Speaker 1>your trauma, or your insecurities, months later, these things come

<v Speaker 1>back out during an argument. Not to heal, but simply

<v Speaker 1>to win.

<v Speaker 2>Hey, babe. It's Aisha Christina. Nice to meet you. This

<v Speaker 2>is quality queen control. What? is happening. Hello, angels. Welcome

<v Speaker 2>back to Quality Queen Control.

<v Speaker 1>Welcome to Quality Queen Control for all of my new viewers.

<v Speaker 1>And hopefully, subscribers, make sure that you guys are subscribed

<v Speaker 1>to Quality Queen Control Podcast. This is the only place

<v Speaker 1>from here on out that we will be releasing full

<v Speaker 1>episodes visually is only on Quality Queen Control Podcast so

<v Speaker 1>that we eliminate any sort of confusion or anything like that.

<v Speaker 2>So how is everyone feeling?

<v Speaker 1>Thank you for spending some time with me, whether it's morning, noon, night,

<v Speaker 1>whatever your vibe is. I've been really feeling red lately.

<v Speaker 1>I feel like Not only does it just bring out

<v Speaker 1>my complexion, but I also just think that brings out

<v Speaker 1>the hair, whether it's blonde, whether it's black.

<v Speaker 2>I don't know. I just happen to love it.

<v Speaker 1>Now, today I want to talk about something that has

<v Speaker 1>to do with over-explaining yourself. I don't know if you

<v Speaker 1>guys have ever been in a dynamic before where you

<v Speaker 1>feel like someone is just committed to misunderstanding you. And

<v Speaker 1>I would argue that at the end of the day,

<v Speaker 1>it's giving, we've reached the end of the world.

<v Speaker 2>Okay. What is that song?

<v Speaker 1>Till the end of the road.

<v Speaker 2>Yeah. Okay. And you actually do need to let go. Okay.

<v Speaker 2>Very much so.

<v Speaker 1>But if you found yourself explaining the same thing over

<v Speaker 1>and over and over again, you change the wording, you

<v Speaker 1>give more context, you apologize, you clarify your intentions. Yet

<v Speaker 1>somehow the conversation changes. is always ending with you defending

<v Speaker 1>yourself instead of being understood. You got to know when

<v Speaker 1>to cut someone off. Because at that rate, I would

<v Speaker 1>say that that is someone being committed to misunderstanding you

<v Speaker 1>And who has time to sit here and translate every

<v Speaker 1>single sentence that is to be said? Or even, I've

<v Speaker 1>seen this happen so many times with romantic dynamics, where

<v Speaker 1>you're a professional apologist for how your man comes off, oh, sorry,

<v Speaker 1>he didn't mean it like that. Well, actually what he

<v Speaker 1>meant to say was, eh, you should switch your job

<v Speaker 1>description because clearly you're a translator. And who wants to

<v Speaker 1>spend all their life doing something like that? At some point,

<v Speaker 1>you have to ask yourself, hmm, is this person struggling

<v Speaker 1>to understand me or are they committed to misunderstanding me?

<v Speaker 1>You ever have such a frustrating moment with somebody where

<v Speaker 1>everything you say, by time it lands on their ears,

<v Speaker 1>it's a different message. And it's like this constant and

<v Speaker 1>perpetual state of, not understanding each other, no matter how

<v Speaker 1>clear and articulate you are. And I, friends, am a

<v Speaker 1>very articulate person. I can articulate my ideas quite well, okay?

<v Speaker 2>I don't think anyone can argue with me on that one, okay?

<v Speaker 2>Save for your mama.

<v Speaker 1>So I feel in my life personally, if somebody is

<v Speaker 1>not understanding me, most likely it is because you're choosing

<v Speaker 1>to purposely misunderstand me. So today we're going to be

<v Speaker 1>talking about why some people actually do not want clarity.

<v Speaker 2>All right. They want control.

<v Speaker 1>They want to keep the argument alive because the confusion

<v Speaker 1>benefits them more than the resolution.

<v Speaker 2>Okay.

<v Speaker 1>So one of the hardest things to learn is that

<v Speaker 1>not everybody wants a solution or resolution. Communication only works.

<v Speaker 1>when both people value the truth rather than trying to

<v Speaker 1>be right. Remember what I just said. Communication only works

<v Speaker 1>when both people value the truth rather than trying to

<v Speaker 1>be right. Some people, they'll enter into a conversation saying, well,

<v Speaker 1>help me understand, right? Others are even asking, well, how

<v Speaker 1>can I prove that you're the one in the wrong?

<v Speaker 1>That's not the right way to approach a situation. These

<v Speaker 1>are two completely different conversations. If someone says, help me

<v Speaker 1>understand genuinely, and you can tell when someone's demeanor is

<v Speaker 1>about helping them understand as opposed to how can I

<v Speaker 1>just prove that you're wrong? They're listening only to respond

<v Speaker 1>to what you said as opposed to actually taking in

<v Speaker 1>and ingesting what you said so that they can get

<v Speaker 1>better understanding. They're just trying to hear what you have

<v Speaker 1>to say so that they can use the next thing

<v Speaker 1>against you.

<v Speaker 2>Right?

<v Speaker 1>So when you are an over-explainer, there's some psychology to this, right?

<v Speaker 1>Why do we keep over-explaining ourselves? Well, usually it's because

<v Speaker 1>we believe that if I can just find the right words,

<v Speaker 1>maybe they'll finally understand me. But sometimes they already understand.

<v Speaker 1>They just don't agree, right? Or they simply don't like

<v Speaker 1>your boundaries, so they're going to argue you down. Or

<v Speaker 1>accepting your perspective will simply require them to take responsibility

<v Speaker 1>and accountability. What was that show where somebody goes, take accountability?

<v Speaker 1>Secret Lives of Mormon Wives, where, I don't know, there

<v Speaker 1>was some sort of like fight with Jesse and some

<v Speaker 1>guy who like touched her or something like that.

<v Speaker 2>And one of the, I think... Was it Jess? I'm

<v Speaker 2>missing up the names.

<v Speaker 1>One of the husbands was screaming and said, take accountability.

<v Speaker 2>So that's what I was getting that from. Anyways, girl,

<v Speaker 2>I digress.

<v Speaker 1>Now, sometimes, like I said, people already understand you. They

<v Speaker 1>just don't agree. And they just simply do not, you know,

<v Speaker 1>respect your boundaries. And they are, you know, accepting accountability

<v Speaker 1>and responsibility for what they said and acknowledging what you

<v Speaker 1>said makes you actually the one in the right. This

<v Speaker 1>is a problem if they're entering into the conversation and

<v Speaker 1>trying to prove that you were wrong.

<v Speaker 2>You understand? And those are different problems than misunderstanding. Okay.

<v Speaker 1>So here are most likely five signs that you were

<v Speaker 1>simply wasting your breath.

<v Speaker 2>Okay.

<v Speaker 1>They ignore your actual words. Okay. You know, you answer

<v Speaker 1>the question. They pretend that you didn't answer the question.

<v Speaker 1>And instead they bring up something completely different. What, what's

<v Speaker 1>happening here? Did you not hear what I just said

<v Speaker 1>or what I just addressed? or they twist your meaning

<v Speaker 1>of things. They're intentionally trying to misrepresent what you said

<v Speaker 1>when they know exactly what you meant. But this will

<v Speaker 1>lead them on to a little detour and a tangent

<v Speaker 1>so that they can validate and try to prove to

<v Speaker 1>themselves that you are what they're trying to accuse you of.

<v Speaker 2>I remember there was.

<v Speaker 1>A time where I had a friend and I was

<v Speaker 1>telling her, okay, well, I'm gonna have to not go

<v Speaker 1>to this dinner tonight. I thought she would understand because

<v Speaker 1>she's a very business forward person. And she called up

<v Speaker 1>a mutual friend of ours and she was venting to her.

<v Speaker 2>About the situation.

<v Speaker 1>And it's like everything I was saying, she was twisting

<v Speaker 1>and manipulating and turning it into, oh, well, is she

<v Speaker 1>going to be taking opportunities anytime she has something to.

<v Speaker 2>Do over like what I have to do? Yeah, I am. Actually,

<v Speaker 2>I am. You know why?

<v Speaker 1>Because this is for my business. Why would I tag

<v Speaker 1>along last minute? I'm the third option for you. Also,

<v Speaker 1>by the way, you forgot to add that into your

<v Speaker 1>little venting session that I'm I'm going to prioritize a

<v Speaker 1>business ordeal that I, in a relationship that I am nurturing,

<v Speaker 1>so that I can be a plus one for your dinner.

<v Speaker 1>And I was already a third option. You only asked

<v Speaker 1>me because two other people couldn't go. So yes, I

<v Speaker 1>was down to go until I literally wasn't. And I

<v Speaker 1>don't understand why that's something to be offended by. I

<v Speaker 1>didn't leave you for an award ceremony. I didn't leave

<v Speaker 1>you to go travel far by yourself. I literally, it

<v Speaker 1>was a dinner. They wanted her there, not me. So

<v Speaker 1>I was just a plus one. What is the big deal?

<v Speaker 1>People like this, I noticed they can't adjust to changes

<v Speaker 1>very well. They don't adjust to change very well. And

<v Speaker 1>to be in my life, I realized that.

<v Speaker 2>Is a requirement.

<v Speaker 1>Friendship requires elasticity and also flexibility. If you do not

<v Speaker 1>have those qualities, things happen.

<v Speaker 2>People have children. People are married. Things happen. We are

<v Speaker 2>now adults. We're in our thirties. What is happening?

<v Speaker 1>I mean, give or take this person is not in

<v Speaker 1>their thirties, but so I guess they have some learning

<v Speaker 1>to do. But at the end of the day, it

<v Speaker 1>really baffled me because it's like all of a sudden

<v Speaker 1>she was trying to convince herself that I was a

<v Speaker 1>bad friend and she had all this fake supporting evidence

<v Speaker 1>of she doesn't even go to the gym with me anymore. Well, yeah,

<v Speaker 1>because you literally live 30 minutes away from me. Your

<v Speaker 1>gym is also another 30 minutes away from me. So

<v Speaker 1>you pick up a mutual friend of ours because she

<v Speaker 1>didn't have a car. If you were giving me a

<v Speaker 1>ride to the gym, then I would go too. But

<v Speaker 1>other than that, no, I'm not going to drive 30,

<v Speaker 1>40 minutes just to.

<v Speaker 2>Go to the gym with you every day. That makes

<v Speaker 2>no sense to me. When I have a gym... in

<v Speaker 2>my building. That makes no sense.

<v Speaker 1>But she then used that as supporting evidence of why

<v Speaker 1>I'm not a good friend or whatever to support the

<v Speaker 1>fact that she felt abandoned in that moment instead of

<v Speaker 1>just being honest and saying, listen, this triggered me.

<v Speaker 2>I know people are not usually going to do that,

<v Speaker 2>but healthy people do.

<v Speaker 1>Listen, I got triggered because it made me feel like

<v Speaker 1>You canceled last minute. And the truth is I didn't

<v Speaker 1>want to go alone. And then she also brought up, oh, well,

<v Speaker 1>I don't know why she's going to that dinner anyway,

<v Speaker 1>because well, the business meeting that I had, she didn't

<v Speaker 1>know why I was attending anyway, because didn't I not

<v Speaker 1>get the specific deal that I want? That's not what

<v Speaker 1>the business relationship is about. Just because one thing fell

<v Speaker 1>through does not. And that's not even technically my job description. Also,

<v Speaker 1>why on earth would I just completely cut that person off?

<v Speaker 1>Is that perhaps something you would do? But I'm not

<v Speaker 1>trying to project that onto you in any capacity, right?

<v Speaker 1>So I say all this to say that that was

<v Speaker 1>the biggest riff and the beginning of the down slope

<v Speaker 1>in our relationship. Because once I saw that her thoughts

<v Speaker 1>began to spiral in a way that was searching for

<v Speaker 1>supporting evidence to something that she was completely manufacturing in

<v Speaker 1>her head, created a fracture in our friendship where she

<v Speaker 1>then intentionally began to lean into being friends with our

<v Speaker 1>mutual friend even more for multiple reasons, but I'm not

<v Speaker 1>going to get into it. But that was definitely one

<v Speaker 1>of them, I feel, because she felt like she has

<v Speaker 1>to triangulate. Oh, well, I feel abandoned by her and

<v Speaker 1>she did this to me. So now I'm just going

<v Speaker 1>to be more your friend than her friend, right? Like

<v Speaker 1>that's what it sort of turned into. It's because she's

<v Speaker 1>an immature person and it kind of just is what

<v Speaker 1>it is. Like to me at the end of the day,

<v Speaker 1>I have no regrets about the termination of our friendship

<v Speaker 1>because she's just not a healthy person. for me to

<v Speaker 1>be around or be in my life. Like she doesn't

<v Speaker 1>meet that quota and I'm not the right person to

<v Speaker 1>be in her life either. So it goes both ways.

<v Speaker 1>But at the end of the day, like I said,

<v Speaker 1>being villainized, it isn't the easiest thing to traverse through,

<v Speaker 1>especially when your character is being misjudged so like it,

<v Speaker 1>like so poorly. Like it's just, it's absolutely asinine. Or

<v Speaker 1>if you were in a situation where the gold post

<v Speaker 1>keeps moving, right? Every explanation is going to create another accusation.

<v Speaker 2>You answer their concern. Now there's another, and then there's another.

<v Speaker 1>And then eventually you start to realize you're actually not

<v Speaker 1>solving anything. You're participating in this endless fight of your defense.

<v Speaker 2>Right?

<v Speaker 1>People wanna, some people, they do that. They trap you

<v Speaker 1>in something and they wanna constantly look for ways where

<v Speaker 1>they're trying to prove that you are this specific type

<v Speaker 1>of person.

<v Speaker 2>Girl, next question, next question.

<v Speaker 1>And this is why it is so important for you

<v Speaker 1>to be solid in who you are as an individual,

<v Speaker 1>or you will constantly be susceptible to people trying to

<v Speaker 1>convince you of who you are and also project onto

<v Speaker 1>you how they're feeling, or maybe also how they are, right?

<v Speaker 1>You have to be a very strong-minded person, okay, to

<v Speaker 1>traverse through life because people will really try and make

<v Speaker 1>you switch identities with them where all of a sudden

<v Speaker 1>you're feeling.

<v Speaker 2>Like, man, am I this way? You know, am I

<v Speaker 2>a bad friend? No, no, nothing of the above. In fact,

<v Speaker 2>you're a bad friend.

<v Speaker 1>Because I didn't go around trying to change public perception

<v Speaker 1>of you. I didn't go around trying to say, well,

<v Speaker 1>because you even felt this way, that this must be this.

<v Speaker 1>I was still even willing when that happened to give

<v Speaker 1>it another chance. Even though I knew in my gut,

<v Speaker 1>me being older, there was a fracture, but I still was,

<v Speaker 1>I fully was willing to let it go. I met

<v Speaker 1>up with her in person at her house to fully

<v Speaker 1>resolve the situation and Would you believe that when I

<v Speaker 1>got to this individual's house, it was the last thing

<v Speaker 1>that she wanted to talk about? Like, oh, all of

<v Speaker 1>a sudden it was not a big deal anymore. But

<v Speaker 1>you made a big stink about it, stink.

<v Speaker 2>Stinka.

<v Speaker 1>You made a big stink about it. So let's actually

<v Speaker 1>talk about it. Because if there's one thing I'm going

<v Speaker 1>to do is I'm going to talk to your face.

<v Speaker 1>If there's one thing I'm going to do is I'm

<v Speaker 1>going to confront you.

<v Speaker 2>Hello. Don't start. Won't be none.

<v Speaker 1>So to me, if you come to me with a

<v Speaker 1>scheme that Todd set up to come at me with

<v Speaker 1>the BS, I'm going to address it.

<v Speaker 2>Okay? So you can imagine my shock and surprise when...

<v Speaker 2>She did not. It's almost like she was like, I'm sorry.

<v Speaker 2>I love you.

<v Speaker 1>I was just like feeling like extra emotional that like

<v Speaker 1>really running over the issue, trying to make it seem like, oh,

<v Speaker 1>it was nothing. And that really threw me for a

<v Speaker 1>loop because I'm like, I know the things that you

<v Speaker 1>said to our mutual friend about me and it's not

<v Speaker 1>a big deal. That's when I said, oh, shoot, this

<v Speaker 1>is way bigger than I thought. There's a fracture here

<v Speaker 1>because she's an unhealthy person. So she's pretending to get

<v Speaker 1>over it because she's uncomfortable with discussing it after she

<v Speaker 1>blew up about it. And she's acting like she's over

<v Speaker 1>it now because I'm in her presence.

<v Speaker 2>So she's over it now. She's getting the attention that

<v Speaker 2>she wants.

<v Speaker 1>But the second that something else happens that triggers those

<v Speaker 1>unhealthy thoughts again, she will resort to villainizing me again

<v Speaker 1>in her story because that's just who she is.

<v Speaker 2>And it is what it is.

<v Speaker 1>So that's when I realized, yeah, the friendship definitely was

<v Speaker 1>a ticking time bomb. But like I said- You don't

<v Speaker 1>wanna participate in an endless defense of yourself and constantly

<v Speaker 1>defending your character. That is how you know you and

<v Speaker 1>an individual are just not gonna work out. Platonically, romantically,

<v Speaker 1>it's not gonna work out. So anytime you have to

<v Speaker 1>constantly defend your character, it just obviously means that they

<v Speaker 1>are committed to misunderstanding you and it's not really worth it.

<v Speaker 1>It's not worth it to feel like You're constantly fighting

<v Speaker 1>for the person to truly understand what you meant when

<v Speaker 1>you said this, what you meant when you did this.

<v Speaker 2>This also reminds me.

<v Speaker 1>Of a story where I made a comment to someone.

<v Speaker 1>I don't remember what it was, but they asked me like, oh,

<v Speaker 1>would you live here? And I was like, no, I

<v Speaker 1>think I feel more comfortable living like in the neighborhood

<v Speaker 1>that I grew up around just because it's what I know.

<v Speaker 1>And I remember one time in, I guess, a debate

<v Speaker 1>or something or a conversation where I ended up hearing

<v Speaker 1>as supporting evidence from another person that the person that

<v Speaker 1>I made that comment to was trying to use that

<v Speaker 1>as context as to me being condescending, saying that I

<v Speaker 1>was making a comment saying that I.

<v Speaker 2>Would never live in a neighborhood like where.

<v Speaker 1>She lived and stuff like that, like trying to make

<v Speaker 1>myself seem like I'm better, higher, what have you.

<v Speaker 2>And I was like, wait, actually what?

<v Speaker 1>I remember hearing so much and like crying about it

<v Speaker 1>because I couldn't believe that what I genuinely meant and

<v Speaker 1>even in the way that I said it was so misconstrued.

<v Speaker 1>And now I know in hindsight that it was 100% intentional.

<v Speaker 1>I do know that now, but at the time I

<v Speaker 1>just remember feeling so much hurt and pain that why

<v Speaker 1>would you, why would I, what kind of person would

<v Speaker 1>I be that I would just outright say something like

<v Speaker 1>that to someone? and be like, I would never live

<v Speaker 1>in this neighborhood. On top of that, it wasn't even

<v Speaker 1>a bad neighborhood. So what are you talking about? And

<v Speaker 1>where are you getting that from? But it's because that

<v Speaker 1>person already had a certain view of me. Just like

<v Speaker 1>when I told that same person, oh no, I don't drink.

<v Speaker 2>I don't drink.

<v Speaker 1>And then they made up a lie talking about I'm

<v Speaker 1>judging them for drinking and all these different things. No,

<v Speaker 1>you're putting those expectations on yourself. When they found out

<v Speaker 1>that I was a vegan, oh, well, do you know

<v Speaker 1>that being vegan isn't healthy? I don't I don't even

<v Speaker 1>know where you're getting this from, what you're talking about.

<v Speaker 1>Why are you talking to me about this? Because they

<v Speaker 1>were putting it on their mind. Okay, well, oh my gosh,

<v Speaker 1>does she think she's better than me because she eats

<v Speaker 1>differently than me? Like I need to figure out ways

<v Speaker 1>to show her that like this isn't healthy. Like what

<v Speaker 1>courses through those tiny brain cells, babe? What courses through that?

<v Speaker 1>Not much because every single thing I say is being

<v Speaker 1>held against me. Like I can't say anything without hearing

<v Speaker 1>it back in some sort of way.

<v Speaker 2>You understand? And that is just so exhausting. I can't,

<v Speaker 2>so I won't. I'm not dealing with that anymore. Yeah,

<v Speaker 2>next question.

<v Speaker 1>And these types of people too will probably most likely

<v Speaker 1>weaponize your vulnerability, okay? If you explain your fears, your concerns,

<v Speaker 1>your past or your trauma or your insecurities, months later,

<v Speaker 1>these things come back out during an argument, not to heal,

<v Speaker 1>but simply to win. I remember one time I mentioned

<v Speaker 1>to the same psychotic individual, yes, psychotic, I was like, yeah,

<v Speaker 1>I used to be friends with this person, but I

<v Speaker 1>don't know, we're.

<v Speaker 2>Just not friends anymore.

<v Speaker 1>Like, I don't really know what happened. You know, life happens,

<v Speaker 1>but left it, no drama. She turns it into, and

<v Speaker 1>that's why this person isn't your friend anymore because this

<v Speaker 1>and that. And I was like, wait, why are you

<v Speaker 1>acting like this is something that you know? Like, you

<v Speaker 1>don't even know this person and you're just trying to

<v Speaker 1>use that as supporting evidence. Like, you're just really grasping

<v Speaker 1>for straws. And I think it's also because some people

<v Speaker 1>have such high expectations of who you actually are and

<v Speaker 1>how you present yourself. I know that that's something that

<v Speaker 1>I have struggled with in some of my friendships. The

<v Speaker 1>newer ones, not my lifers, is people will come into

<v Speaker 1>my life and I'm exactly who I present to be.

<v Speaker 1>You meet me in person, my personality is the same.

<v Speaker 1>Like I'm, there's no difference between me on and off camera.

<v Speaker 1>There really isn't besides what I might wear, not wear

<v Speaker 1>makeup or something like that, or maybe, but I do

<v Speaker 1>look very makeup anyway.

<v Speaker 2>But whatever.

<v Speaker 1>There's not personality wise to my core. I am the

<v Speaker 1>same person on and off camera. I'm the same person

<v Speaker 1>at influencer events, content events, whatever it is, I'm the

<v Speaker 1>same person, okay? And a lot of people are not.

<v Speaker 1>A lot of people are not. And I do remember

<v Speaker 1>even one time a person made a comment to me

<v Speaker 1>saying like, you know, you're exactly who you present to

<v Speaker 1>be online. Thank you, because I know I am.

<v Speaker 2>I know I am. And I think for some.

<v Speaker 1>Individuals, it's really difficult to be around someone that is

<v Speaker 1>like wait, what? Like they are exactly who they present

<v Speaker 1>to be.

<v Speaker 2>Wow.

<v Speaker 1>They really are like better than me. No, you think

<v Speaker 1>I'm better than you. And that's why you're constantly searching

<v Speaker 1>for like a flaw. You want to study me so

<v Speaker 1>you can figure out, okay, like where's the crack here? What,

<v Speaker 1>you know, what can I do to discredit her and

<v Speaker 1>invalidate her? What inconsistency can I find and search for

<v Speaker 1>so that it can make me feel like she's not

<v Speaker 1>all that perfect. She's not exactly who she presents to be.

<v Speaker 1>She can't be because I'm not. Do you see what

<v Speaker 1>I'm saying?

<v Speaker 2>Do you see what I'm saying?

<v Speaker 1>And these are the types of characters that walk amongst

<v Speaker 1>us that will have us in situations where we're over

<v Speaker 1>explaining ourselves all the time.

<v Speaker 2>I remember another time this.

<v Speaker 1>Psycho got upset at me because I didn't have the

<v Speaker 1>heart to tell her at first that I had church.

<v Speaker 1>At that point, I was going to church four times

<v Speaker 1>a week. I think I told her that I was

<v Speaker 1>going to be able to go stop at some like

<v Speaker 1>shoot that she had, but I ended up not being

<v Speaker 1>able to make it. To be honest, I wanted to support.

<v Speaker 1>I couldn't make it. So I let her know like

<v Speaker 1>a couple hours in advance. Hey, I'm so sorry about this,

<v Speaker 1>but it's this time. Like I said, I think I

<v Speaker 1>sent a voice note to I'm not going to be

<v Speaker 1>able to make it. Next thing I know, she stopped

<v Speaker 1>speaking to me. So by the time we spoke and

<v Speaker 1>I have to chase after her and like, you know,

<v Speaker 1>run after her, like she's like my girlfriend or something

<v Speaker 1>like that to figure out why she was being distant.

<v Speaker 1>She was saying, oh, it was because after you said that,

<v Speaker 1>then my sister couldn't end up coming. And then the

<v Speaker 1>photographer was late and it sort of seemed like I

<v Speaker 1>was the onset and and the catalyst of the day

<v Speaker 1>not going the way it was supposed to.

<v Speaker 2>So it was all my fault.

<v Speaker 1>It was all my fault that I let you know

<v Speaker 1>hours in advance, like, hey, I'm not going to be

<v Speaker 1>able to make it for your shoot, be back at

<v Speaker 1>my house by six something so that I can then

<v Speaker 1>be in church. Like, And my church is not close

<v Speaker 1>to my house in any capacity. So I'm not going

<v Speaker 1>to be able to make it. And she blamed me

<v Speaker 1>for that.

<v Speaker 2>Yeah.

<v Speaker 1>So that's just how these people are. And also they

<v Speaker 1>never extend you the benefit of the doubt.

<v Speaker 2>No, no, no, no, no. You benefit the doubt. No, no, no, no, ma'am.

<v Speaker 2>Healthy relationships.

<v Speaker 1>They assume good intentions until evidence suggests otherwise. Unhealthy dynamics

<v Speaker 1>are always assuming the worst. And that my friend is

<v Speaker 1>is how you know you have an unhealthy person on

<v Speaker 1>your hands. That is how I knew that when that

<v Speaker 1>whole situation happened where I had to cancel on my

<v Speaker 1>friend for my own business venture and it fractured our

<v Speaker 1>friendship because she went and talked about me to a

<v Speaker 1>mutual friend and started coming up with all these hypotheticals

<v Speaker 1>and these scenarios of this and bah, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

<v Speaker 1>That's how I knew she was unhealthy because how did

<v Speaker 1>it catastrophize that quickly when we've never had any prior

<v Speaker 1>indication of anything else before?

<v Speaker 2>Your unhealthy is showing. Your unhealthy is showing.

<v Speaker 1>Well, because like I said, healthy relationships assume good intentions

<v Speaker 1>until the evidence suggests otherwise. Why did you scrape on

<v Speaker 1>your hands and knees to try and come up with

<v Speaker 1>evidence of that.

<v Speaker 2>Supports why I'm no longer a good friend when last

<v Speaker 2>week we were as thick as thieves? But..

<v Speaker 1>And I'm sorry, as a healthy person, that is my

<v Speaker 1>number one indicator of how I know who I'm dealing with.

<v Speaker 2>And that's what makes it easy for me to be like, okay, bye, done, next.

<v Speaker 2>I'm not dealing with that. I'm not.

<v Speaker 1>Figure that out on your own because you're not only

<v Speaker 1>going to have this problem with me. You're going to

<v Speaker 1>have this problem with a lot of people.

<v Speaker 2>And she did. And she was. And she does. Hello. Okay.

<v Speaker 1>Unhealthy dynamics are always going to assume the worst. If

<v Speaker 1>your friend knows you super well, they should be able

<v Speaker 1>to determine what you would and would not say. Not

<v Speaker 1>only that, but they should be able to discern what

<v Speaker 1>your intentions are.

<v Speaker 2>They're my lifers.

<v Speaker 1>They know like, um, no, that does not sound anything

<v Speaker 1>like what Asha would say. And they're going to assume

<v Speaker 1>the best. They're going to assume good intentions until the

<v Speaker 1>evidence suggests otherwise. I remember I had another friend, it's

<v Speaker 1>been a long life, babe. Had a couple of friends there.

<v Speaker 1>And I remember someone, she's, she called me one day.

<v Speaker 2>Thank God that's over.

<v Speaker 1>Oh someone wrote me on TikTok and they were just

<v Speaker 1>in my live and they were saying like, why are

<v Speaker 1>you so jealous of Aisha or whatever the case is?

<v Speaker 1>And I remember thinking like, why are you calling me

<v Speaker 1>with this? Like, and then I'm like, okay, where is

<v Speaker 1>she going with this?

<v Speaker 2>I have no idea.

<v Speaker 1>Like she gives me anxiety, like, or gave me anxiety,

<v Speaker 1>like being around her. It was like, after a while

<v Speaker 1>I started distancing myself because it was just her only

<v Speaker 1>way to connect.

<v Speaker 2>With me was drama.

<v Speaker 1>So she called me, here we go.

<v Speaker 2>Like with this, I'm like, okay, where is this going?

<v Speaker 2>And I was like, okay, that's so weird.

<v Speaker 1>She's like, yeah, well, I just want to know, are

<v Speaker 1>you talking about me to anyone like in church and stuff?

<v Speaker 2>Girl, what? Are you okay? What are you? I was like, no, no.

<v Speaker 1>And what I learned with that particular person was I

<v Speaker 1>started severely under responding to anything they would say.

<v Speaker 2>I would give them dust.

<v Speaker 1>I would give them nothing because they want, for them,

<v Speaker 1>they were the type of person that was so unhealthy

<v Speaker 1>that you giving them a response and a reaction makes

<v Speaker 1>them feel cared for, makes them feel fought for.

<v Speaker 2>Well, I'm doing none of the above, so I'm going

<v Speaker 2>to give you nothing. You're going to get nothing from

<v Speaker 2>me because that doesn't make any sense.

<v Speaker 1>If you were truly my friend, why would you ever

<v Speaker 1>assume that I would ever even do something like that?

<v Speaker 1>Unless you were already feeling that way in your own,

<v Speaker 1>you're thinking, oh, well, I wonder if this is a

<v Speaker 1>possibility that she could have said that.

<v Speaker 2>Are you okay? But it's because you would probably do that.

<v Speaker 2>And that's why you didn't leave it off the table.

<v Speaker 1>And then she also mentioned that somebody said, yeah, well,

<v Speaker 1>she talks about you or.

<v Speaker 2>Something like that.

<v Speaker 1>And obviously a troll, a very random person. And I

<v Speaker 1>remember thinking she was engaging with the person saying, well,

<v Speaker 1>she would never say something like that. I don't think,

<v Speaker 1>you know, and I'll just like talk to her about it.

<v Speaker 1>Why are you, I don't remember, I'm paraphrasing, but I

<v Speaker 1>remember when she shared with me how she responded, I

<v Speaker 1>remember thinking to myself, why would you even engage with

<v Speaker 1>that person in a way that indicates that you almost

<v Speaker 1>don't believe that I wouldn't do something like that? Like

<v Speaker 1>there's a part of you that wants to check in

<v Speaker 1>with me to see if, you know, cause she wanted

<v Speaker 1>to preserve herself from seeming like she was stupid. on

<v Speaker 1>the chance that if she defended and said, no, she

<v Speaker 1>would never do something like that, she was like trying

<v Speaker 1>to preserve herself from feeling stupid.

<v Speaker 2>Does that make sense what I'm trying to say?

<v Speaker 1>So like I said, They're not going to extend you

<v Speaker 1>the benefit of the doubt because they're more invested in

<v Speaker 1>caring about soothing whatever manufactured drama they have and made

<v Speaker 1>up in their own heads.

<v Speaker 2>All right. Why does this happen?

<v Speaker 1>Well, sometimes people misunderstand you because they're feeling hurt or

<v Speaker 1>they're feeling stressed or they're seeing the situation differently.

<v Speaker 2>But other times.

<v Speaker 1>People, they resist understanding because it protects a belief.

<v Speaker 2>It protects a narrative.

<v Speaker 1>It protects a position that they do not want to

<v Speaker 1>be questioned. So when someone is consistently refusing to engage

<v Speaker 1>with what you're actually saying, more explanation often is not

<v Speaker 1>going to be the resolution to the problem. So like

<v Speaker 1>I said, I want to reiterate this. More explanation is

<v Speaker 1>not going to solve the problem when somebody is consistently

<v Speaker 1>refusing to engage with what you were actually saying, AKA

<v Speaker 1>they are committed to misunderstanding you. Explaining yourself more is

<v Speaker 1>not the answer and the resolution. And then think about

<v Speaker 1>this from a faith perspective. Jesus did not answer every

<v Speaker 1>single accusation and he was accused of a lot.

<v Speaker 2>Okay.

<v Speaker 1>Sometimes he spoke. Sometimes he remains silent. You know, silence

<v Speaker 1>wasn't his weakness, right? Or it wasn't weakness, period. It

<v Speaker 1>was discernment because not every battle needs to be fought.

<v Speaker 1>Like I just gave you the example of, I could

<v Speaker 1>tell that with certain individuals, they want a response and

<v Speaker 1>a reaction out of you because it makes them feel

<v Speaker 1>fought for, makes them feel like, oh, she cares.

<v Speaker 2>She cares.

<v Speaker 1>Look, she's getting riled up just like I do. Like

<v Speaker 1>just constant drama seeking. Like it was so exhausting to

<v Speaker 1>where it's like, I just would, you know what they say?

<v Speaker 1>Anytime you feel relieved after the ending of something, that means,

<v Speaker 1>you know, it was definitely meant to be when there's

<v Speaker 1>a sense of relief. And I felt a sense of

<v Speaker 1>relief from every single friendship that I've ever left. I

<v Speaker 1>felt a sense of relief. I've never once thought to myself, dang, Oh,

<v Speaker 1>I wish it didn't have to be this way. I

<v Speaker 1>really do miss this person.

<v Speaker 2>No, never, never, never.

<v Speaker 1>Okay.

<v Speaker 2>Next question. you know?

<v Speaker 1>And even in the Bible, it says in Proverbs, right?

<v Speaker 1>Don't answer a fool according to his folly.

<v Speaker 2>What does this mean?

<v Speaker 1>The Bible is teaching us wisdom in deciding when to

<v Speaker 1>answer people, okay? You don't have to answer everyone. And remember,

<v Speaker 1>some people, they want responses out of you. This just

<v Speaker 1>happened to me the other day where somebody tried to

<v Speaker 1>provoke me into a response. They were being very aggressive,

<v Speaker 1>all the different things. And this was like older woman too,

<v Speaker 1>like older.

<v Speaker 2>Okay. We're talking like in her sixties or something like.

<v Speaker 1>That, you know, and she was just very challenging, you know,

<v Speaker 1>and it was just very, very bizarre. And I had

<v Speaker 1>to really like calm down and discern like, okay, like

<v Speaker 1>this is an old woman, older woman, mature woman, so.

<v Speaker 2>To speak in age, not in wisdom.

<v Speaker 1>And I just want to be delicate with how I'm

<v Speaker 1>handling the situation because, you know, I grew up respecting

<v Speaker 1>my elders. I don't know about everybody else, but like

<v Speaker 1>there's a certain way you have to handle things, you know,

<v Speaker 1>and I just, whatever, I'll leave that there. Now you

<v Speaker 1>have to ask yourself in conclusion, am I explaining myself

<v Speaker 1>because this person genuinely wants, you know, to understand me?

<v Speaker 1>Or am I hoping that by understanding me, this will

<v Speaker 1>finally validate me, right? Your peace should never depend on

<v Speaker 1>you winning every misunderstanding because you will lose every single

<v Speaker 1>time because some people will never, ever get it. And

<v Speaker 1>now you're exhausted, you have anxiety, you're depressed, you're frustrated,

<v Speaker 1>you're fighting them, you're chasing them down to please, please,

<v Speaker 1>please understand where I'm coming from, please. And it doesn't happen.

<v Speaker 1>What would you do if it never happened? You have

<v Speaker 1>to just let it go. Some conversations end not because

<v Speaker 1>everything needs to be explained, no, but because you have

<v Speaker 1>to realize continuing is not gonna produce any more understanding, okay?

<v Speaker 1>So in conclusion, I'll say this. You do not owe

<v Speaker 1>explanations to people who have repeatedly shown that they are

<v Speaker 1>unwilling to hear you because sometimes the healthiest response is

<v Speaker 1>not a explanation. It is a boundary of saying it's

<v Speaker 1>time to cut you off. End of story, end of discussion.

<v Speaker 1>Next question. With that being said, thank you so much

<v Speaker 1>for joining me on today. I love you guys so much.

<v Speaker 1>Make sure that you give the podcast a five-star rating

<v Speaker 1>and also make sure that you are subscribed to to

<v Speaker 1>the Quality Queen Control podcast. Make sure that your post

<v Speaker 1>notifications are turned on. Thank you so much for all

<v Speaker 1>my like loyal followers that have told me like, girl,

<v Speaker 1>where have you been?

<v Speaker 2>We haven't seen you in a month. Girl, we had

<v Speaker 2>to work that out internally with the team, girl, okay?

<v Speaker 1>Because mama didn't know, okay? I'm running a lot of things.

<v Speaker 1>So thank you guys so much for flagging that for me.

<v Speaker 1>And yeah, with that being said, do not forget that

<v Speaker 1>I love you and God loves you. I'll speak to

<v Speaker 1>you beautiful angels

<v Speaker 2>In my next podcast episode.