Veronica Welch: Hello everybody. Hi. It has been a while since I have recorded an episode. I'm so happy to be doing this tonight and to be getting back into the swing of things. If you're new here, my name is Veronica. This podcast is called Stop Till We Need To Relax. It is for single moms. who don't have time to chill. It's like the tagline. And I'm so excited to be recording again. I took a little bit of a break from... doing podcast episodes. Like I said before, is very time consuming to a podcast or any kind of platform. ⁓ seems really easy and it is very fun but it is a lot of work ⁓ I was going through a lot of transitions ⁓ my life and just decided to stop, which is kind what I do when I need a break or I don't want to do something anymore, I just stop. ⁓ Whether that's or that's bad, can be a good thing, it can be a bad thing, but ⁓ I just to take a little bit of a break ⁓ and it Actually, it wasn't wasn't really impromptu at least in my head because I told myself when I got to 20 episodes I was going to take a little bit of a break when I decided to stop stop Doing podcasts for a couple of months doing recording episodes I was at 17 episodes, so had a couple more to go. life ⁓ and I had to kind of just chill for a minute. So I'm very happy to be kind of in a better space now and ⁓ back ⁓ recording I recorded one yesterday with a woman in Ohio who is ⁓ a successful business entrepreneur, single mom by choice. Can't wait for that come out. And then I've got some more lined up. So it's very exciting. I've got some like special kind of episodes lined up. One, talking about a very famous celebrity that we all know and I'm assuming all of us love and some of her single mom struggles and talking with somebody who's like a super fan and loves her and has actually been very vocal and prevalent on social media talking about her. So that's very exciting and yeah, lots of getting back into the swing of things for summer. So it's exciting. So what I wanted to do today. I'm going talk about a couple of things, but first I wanted to, had this idea and I've seen people do it like on YouTube and other platforms where they read Reddit stories. And so I am a part of a couple of Reddit groups or threads, I don't know what they're called oh gosh, I open up Reddit and I see something that I should probably touch on. Okay. So there is an episode, this is part of the reason why I needed a break, because there was an episode that I did but with a mom influencer named Britt Rebay has since out that there are lot of fallacies and and things in her story and there's been a lot of drama that has happened with her online ⁓ on red and she's currently, ⁓ she was living in like a campground ⁓ area with son. and then she got arrested and ⁓ there's been a lot of drama around all of that that I've kind of been also I guess dealing with the past couple of and really ⁓ it's so crazy and ridiculous and it's really a sad situation I just opened up reddit and I saw this person's mugshot They're currently incarcerated, went from one jail to another for an existing warrant. and it's just a mess. that kind of really did get to me too, because I'm like, this person can just come on my show and lie, and then I look like I'm grouped in with this person and all her ⁓ shenanigans. ⁓ the case, ⁓ I did post it on TikTok a couple of times, if anybody is interested. ⁓ You ⁓ find the explanation how I feel about all of that on the TikTok. Account which is same thing as the show. It's called stop telling me to relax anyways, move forward and let's read some reddit stories, I've been reading ⁓ some posts that are really really powerful ⁓ or just some like ⁓ kind thought-provoking that I felt let me read it on the podcast and talk about it. ⁓ So first one, So this first one, I'm not gonna be reading, well guess there's no names here on Reddit, it's just like usernames, but I'm not even gonna be saying like username on Reddit, because I just don't think, I don't wanna like call anybody if ⁓ they to listen or know anything about the or anybody, or anybody knows them knows their situation. Okay, here we go. Okay, first one. The title of the post is, does anyone else enjoy solo parenting or is it just me? I have been a single mom for my child's whole life and I didn't really know it. My baby is two years old. Me and my child's father lived together for the first year of her life, but he was always gone. He worked for the airlines and his schedule was always very unpredictable. We discussed slowing down when we had a baby, but the stress of the newborn baby and postpartum mama scared him away. like you better off. ⁓ came home one day after being gone two months on the training ⁓ decided that he wanted to raise our child separately. I a full-time breastfeeding mama financially broke ⁓ and My family in and got me ⁓ and baby out of there. ⁓ I live my parents now. I have a whole community of support. ⁓ I got job. ⁓ I started money paid off 35,000 in debt. Wow. And I'm looking for a new home. better. I'm so happy, so confident, so fulfilled, so empowered, ⁓ full of excitement for the life that I'm building for me and my little one. ⁓ whole experience has been eye opening and liberating. ⁓ never realized how much I put my wants aside to accommodate his wants and other people's wants too. For that short time, I lived a life for everyone else. Now, I live life for me. I do what I want, I take care of my responsibilities, and God shines on me every day. I hope this inspires anyone who is in the thick of it. This too shall pass. Keep doing what's right and give yourself grace. And I absolutely love this post because it's very relevant to what I was speaking with when I was speaking and recording with ⁓ Erin, I recorded and interviewed yesterday ⁓ ⁓ is a single by choice. I don't want to tell a lot of her story because you'll have to listen and find out who she is and ⁓ what her life has like. But she's a single mom by choice and she, ⁓ you know, really enjoys solo. ⁓ you know, she's never known different. ⁓ really enjoys the independence ⁓ a lot the autonomy that she has in terms of parenting and making choices. And I agree with that. I think that in society, single parenthood, especially single motherhood, has been framed as like a death sentence. Like, oh my God, you become a single parent and your life's so hard and you're a struggle and nobody's gonna want you and your kids are driving you crazy and you're overwhelmed and you blah, blah, blah. There's just all these hardships and setbacks and like, yeah, there is. But I also think if you make the right choices, and you put the right things in play, can still have a great life, a wonderful life. being married or having a partner or not. Being single and being a single parent, you have the, I hate the word control, I don't know why I have such a negative connotation with it, but you have the control and the authority and the wherewithal to make decisions for yourself and you don't have to consult with anybody, you don't have to check in with anybody, you don't have to argue with anybody about anything and that is very liberating and very freeing. And I think the independence that you have and the Confidence that taking care of yourself and your child financially and just emotionally mentally on like taking care of the child on your own is very know if that ends up being your circumstance It's very liberating and you just get a lot of strength from it. And so I really loved that post because I just thought like, yeah, we need to push that narrative more that like, of course it's gonna be hard. Of course there's gonna be struggles. It's not ideal. But if you're not going to be in a healthy relationship, you can make work. as a single parent and you can thrive and you can feel good about yourself and be successful and all of those things. I really, really loved that Reddit post. And gonna, some of the comments that are under that post are, it's pure freedom when ⁓ a baby ⁓ life no longer centers around a man. another comment says, This is me. I'm grateful to have my parents and to have time to split not have to split time in holidays. ⁓ have a friend who's been in court with her baby, baby daddy for years. ⁓ also get to raise my kids 100 % the way I want to. ⁓ one to argue with. Smiley face emoji. ⁓ yeah, it can be very freeing and liberating to not have to consult and with somebody else I mean sometimes like, yeah, you wish that you could have that partner, but if he's not gonna be a good partner, it can be a lot better to be on your own. Okay, ⁓ this next one. ⁓ I get my life My baby is 4.5 months old and EBF, which is exclusively breastfed. We live with my parents and my mom helps out sometimes, but I mainly solo parent and generally only leave the baby three hours max about once a week. I go to the cinema in this time and as this is how I choose to relax or like relax. ⁓ Other times the week, I might go for a quick gym session or a nip the shop. ⁓ I'm assuming this person is maybe from Europe or the UK because nip just sounds very British to me. I'm not sure what that means but to the shop or nip to the shop. I've single for over a year and recently wanted to start going out on a date or two. I had nice date this weekend and ended up having to come home early because the baby wouldn't settle. I'm told that was in hysterics, wouldn't take the bottle, ⁓ and he also overtired. To be fair, my mom bathed him after a day of overtiredness due to fighting naps and she also didn't offer the bottle for over two hours after I left, which I feel might have made the situation worse. context, he has never liked bottles, ⁓ because I rarely leave him for long for him to need them. ⁓ I Tommy, Tipe, Advent, and MAM, which are ⁓ baby ⁓ brands, He has probably taken 12 bottles total like ever. He's only 4.5 months, so that's not bad. I feel a little disheartened as I wanted to go on a second date at some point, but my mom said she thought it was too stressful for baby at the moment. baby used to sleep great, nurse to sleep, slept all night, ⁓ naps like crazy, and only really settles ⁓ in carrier or car during the day. I've started light ⁓ sleep training my date ⁓ him fuss in the car a couple minutes before resettling him. ⁓ We managed an hour to nap the car yesterday but it was a battle ⁓ and I ended up rocking him sleep. ⁓ At bedtime he nurses for up up to an hour before conking out ⁓ and then transfers easily ⁓ but I like this ⁓ makes impossible for me to ask mom to do bedtime. I have always I've had nights on my own except for the night I came home from the hospital. Can someone please give me advice as to where to go from here to give me some sort of life back? This is a tricky one because her child is like still, he's not a newborn but he's an infant, 4.5 months old. And at that age, you know. they're still to this world and all that they know is in their world is you as the parent ⁓ and you're a sole parent. There's no other in the picture it like. So all that that child knows is you as sole single provider. ⁓ And so ⁓ when, ⁓ my opinion, when away at critical like bedtime, it's gonna be difficult for the child. Now do think that... You know, obviously she can't control her parents or her mom or whomever she lives with that helps her with the baby. But I think that she should sit down and have a conversation with parents and say, hey, you know, I'm really now that my child's getting a little bit older and I'm getting out of the trenches of postpartum, I really want to start doing more things for myself. And yeah, I went on this date and I want to go on second dates and I want to ⁓ you ⁓ having to be social and get out of the house And so I would really appreciate it if you would like team up with me so that we can ⁓ baby sleep trained so that somebody you or whomever can ⁓ care for him when I am I'm and doing something and hopefully, ⁓ you know person's parents are responsive to that. ⁓ I mean, know a lot of like older like baby boomer types kind of feel like well you had a baby and this is what it is and so you need to be home with the baby and I'm not the parent I'm not the caretaker and if the baby's overwhelmed and you're tired it's you're gonna you're gonna have to come home and kind of a very archaic way of thinking but I think in reality ⁓ we look at the like this baby eventually gonna have to get used to ⁓ mom not being and You know just ⁓ have to get used to Being care of by somebody else and so at this age is a good age to kind of introduce new caretakers at bedtime and when you are around get them introduced to a bottle and ⁓ a ⁓ being used getting a bottle so that when they get a bottle they're not They're not shocked and don't take it. I don't know, I just think like seems like at ⁓ point where this mom really needs to ⁓ her maybe boundaries or her needs as a human being ⁓ to her and say hey like ⁓ we to work together to get ⁓ my like used to the bottle and used to different caretakers at bedtime so that I can then go have a little bit of a life of my own. I also think she should leave the child for a little bit more than three hours a week. Like that's very, very minimal. And like, you know, of course, like, you know, you don't want you, you know, you don't want to be away from your baby that much, but. maybe stretch it a little bit more, maybe have your parents watch the baby when you go out to the grocery store and go run errands and not taking the baby with you. Just start to maybe some longer periods of time or some additional of time that go away ⁓ from baby so that ⁓ the gets used to being away from you as primary caretaker. Yeah, that's a tricky one. will say this though, and this is like such a cliche thing and you know, such like a hallmark thing to say, but like, know, ⁓ child is only like a newborn and an infant for so long ⁓ and will, as hard as it is, ⁓ and hard as it is to like not have of a social life and ⁓ not date not do all those things, you really, really will miss the time when they're this age. on the flip side of everything that I just said, it's a short time period where you're sacrificing your for yourself while a is this age, ⁓ and you're look back on all the that spent with them and... and be so glad that you had that time. Because it really is, if you know anything about bonding and attachment, those first five years are really critical for a child in terms of attaching with caregivers and bonding with caregivers and just development in general. And it doesn't sound like this person is not prioritizing their baby. I'm just saying like it's such a short time period. My son is a teenager now and like half the time he doesn't even want to talk to me or wants to talk to me but you know it's just he's a teenager now and things are different and some days I'm like ⁓ I wish like ⁓ was here to know, hang out with me and wanting to spend a lot of time with me or wanting, you know, I wish so bad that I could have newborn cuddles or infant cuddles or that bedtime time when you're holding them for an hour, you know, I really, really miss that. So just try to enjoy the season that you're in and also try to, on the flip side, think, try to exert... and communicate your needs to parents or helping you take care of the baby ⁓ that you can get some time to yourself. So I think a little bit of both is good in that situation. And I'll read a comment here from it. Somebody commented and said you will get your life back. The baby won't be breastfeeding forever I ⁓ and had to do CIO at 13 months. I'm not sure what CIO means. ⁓ I losing my mind at that point it sucked It sucked it so worth it. ⁓ There ⁓ are but that's what worked for me ⁓ my kids ⁓ almost four now and she's doing great ⁓ pretty much ⁓ ⁓ sleeps good for the most part ⁓ sounds your baby is in the four months sleeper got regression which is ⁓ fucking hard ⁓ like hard ⁓ it pass my doctor suggested ⁓ that It is best at this age to sleep train, so keep trying. I wish I listened at this time, but once your baby can do more stuff, it'll be really fun. I totally agree with that. I find focusing on building independence, confidence, and trust to be really important as a single mom. Very, very true. like one and three, they love to help with anything. ⁓ adorable for you and incredible for them. It's still like a little sidekick. It's so fun. ⁓ I totally agree with that. Like, ⁓ know, try to I guess enjoy the moment that you're in with the child and to You know, a tough balance but try to do your best to Take care of your child ⁓ serve your own needs as ⁓ I was kind of in position when I was and my son was that age, a kid was a toddler. I was kind of still in that age group where I still wanted to go out and go do things with friends and go to bars and stuff. ⁓ so ⁓ were nights where I would leave my son would be with my mom and ⁓ I feel so bad. But I had to ⁓ kind ⁓ get that phase of life ⁓ and through being being 20, you know, the age of like 23, 24, 25 and wanting to do all of that. And I'm really glad that I did get, even having a baby, I'm really glad that I did give myself that time to still kind of do some of those 20 something things. But at the same time, it's a delicate balance. I still was a parent and so I still spent... you know, all of the time, a majority of my time, it's not like I could go out and do things all the time, but I still spent majority of my time like doing stuff, you know, being a parent and taking care of my baby and those sleepless nights and of the hard things. ⁓ like I said, I would give anything to be able to go back ⁓ ⁓ back to that phase. So enjoy life, do what you need to do for yourself as a person, as a human being, as a mother, but also ⁓ really the time with your child too. Okay, this one is titled Bitter. Last one. I am a 20-year-old single mom. This is my first child. I got pregnant by a guy who I have a trauma bond with and have known since I was 13. Throughout the pregnancy, I was treated like absolute garbage and I felt as if he were punishing me because I kept my daughter even though he didn't want me to. We weren't together, but he still did come around. when I got my...cerclevage? What that? Cerclevage. ⁓ I see him anymore after that. We only spoke on the phone. He was with another girl while selling me dreams about how life would be once my daughter got here. He stopped speaking completely when I was eight months pregnant I seen him on the bus with the girl he had been sleeping with after we had a conversation ⁓ how he basically didn't want to come around because he was afraid of me. At months ⁓ pregnant, reached out ⁓ and he wanted to be there for my daughter ⁓ and week after that I didn't hear anything from him. Only to out the day after I gave birth, ⁓ I was My feelings were hurt and I was scorned because you're out here living life like my daughter doesn't exist. understand that it's my fault for keeping her when I was told not to. It is not your fault. ⁓ something in me wouldn't let me get rid of my baby. Fast forward to October 22nd, a few weeks ago, he reached out again, says the same thing. We got on the phone, talked for almost two hours. Everything's going great while I'm letting him vent to me. day, he calls my while he's on at work. ⁓ On October I figure out he blocked me again. ⁓ I'm hurt, and in a blind rage. ⁓ I texted from my sister's phone and cursed him ⁓ and told to stay away due to his inconsistency ⁓ when it to my daughter. I have no in admitting that I'm bitter. The way I was the dreams I was sold, ⁓ and the way my is being treated. ⁓ I'm very, very bitter all the things he does for the girl he's sleeping with while I was pregnant, he's never done that for me as long as I've known him. He even admitted to me that she's abusive and that when she's mad at him, he buys her liquor and weed to make her feel better. But I still haven't seen the money I was promised buy my daughter a snowsuit ⁓ a winter coat when he got paid. I ask for this money. he would it to me. I still haven't it. ⁓ But yes, I'm bitter. ⁓ Not proud of it. ⁓ a shame to admit This one also kind of reminds me of my that I was in when I was pregnant. You know, sure that like absolute garbage, ⁓ being disregarded someone didn't want to have this baby and then I decided to have the child. My best advice to this young mom, she's only 20, would be to block him. Get him out of your life completely. Change your phone number, block him on all social media, do not entertain him because he is not serious about being in a relationship with you and he's not even serious about being a parent because if he was serious about being a parent, he would have supported you in a respectable way throughout the pregnancy and he would have been there when the child was born and he would not be an absent father. He's an absent father because he doesn't care and you do not need that kind of stress in your life. You're now a single parent. You're young. I'm assuming you have goals and dreams and things you want to accomplish and not only on top of that you have things that you need to to do and to take care of because you have a child and so any interaction, any communication, anything like that with him is going to completely derail you from accomplishing all those goals and doing what you need to do. So get him out of the picture. Go to court, ⁓ paperwork for full custody for of those things and make that he's paying child support because he's not active or involved in the baby's life at all. ⁓ he ⁓ needs provide if he's not be there and he's not gonna ⁓ work out like with you, then he needs to he needs to provide, needs to be held accountable. other than that, protect you and your child, get full custody, get kind of money ⁓ you from him, and focus yourself and accomplishing goals and things for yourself and building a life for you and your daughter. ⁓ This guy a joke, ⁓ he's a who knows if true that the person that he's with now is abusive, but if ⁓ this woman or like... He's just a loser. Move on. You got a baby from him. It's such a blessing. Move on and do you need to do for yourself ⁓ don't feel bad about it. ⁓ feel like you're doing something ⁓ to him or you're ⁓ him or his life is going to be set ⁓ at by anything that you put in place in court. worry about yourself, put yourself and you and your child first use it as a lesson to one, ⁓ not get yourself in that situation again, but also to just learn how to ⁓ care of yourself for that so that you never have to be in that position again where you are kind of like ⁓ for somebody to be in your life and they don't want to be there. And far as the birth certificate stuff, like You know, my son has both of our last names and looking back now that my son is older, I wish that I had just done my last name and not hyphenated it, but it is what it is. I was trying to be nice, but you never want to be nice to these deadbeat loser guys. But it's your baby. It's your child. It came out of you. You got to choose her first name. You can choose her last name if he is not going to be an active and present father and you're not going to be in a relationship. So do not feel bad about that at all. yeah, I hopefully this single mom gets it together and herself and her baby. Okay, so those all posts gonna read. ⁓ I wanted to ⁓ read those I wanted to it to something ⁓ that I saw on YouTube. I have been and searching and searching for this clip. I can't find it anywhere I wanted to play it during the episode, but I cannot find it. But it is a clip of Hillary Duff. An interview that she did and she's talking about having her first child. She she is now Married to Matthew Komo. They have ⁓ three ⁓ children together then her oldest son He's a teenager now she had oldest son with her first husband and ⁓ They married and then got relatively quickly after ⁓ Getting married and a baby and she had her child ⁓ young, what I would consider young, young, same age as I was at 24. she mentioned in this interview that when she had her child, her first son, ⁓ that younger age, ⁓ she felt very isolated ⁓ her peer group. ⁓ at age, a lot ⁓ of... her peers and women her age, her friends were not having children yet. They were not married and in that ⁓ child childbearing phase of life. ⁓ And she felt very ostracized and very isolated and ⁓ lonely. hearing from her, was kind of a breakthrough for me because I too felt that exact same way being a younger mom. think the exact same thing where, you know, I had, of course I had friends and they were all great and all supportive, but they're all kind of doing their thing as young or 20-somethings are traveling, they're moving to bigger cities, they're just really invested in their lives and building their lives and just being young people. having a baby, my life went on a different trajectory. And so, you know, I can remember this was like, around like 2010, 2011, like social media like Facebook was just ramping up and becoming really popular and everybody was posting all the stuff they were doing and I would see people doing all these fun things and I wasn't you know able to or I wasn't even invited or you know it can just be very lonely isolating experience when you're in a different life phase than your peers. And I don't know, I bring this up about Hilary Deft to say that I think somebody as ⁓ wealthy, successful, ⁓ that this very fun, ⁓ I assume she is a person with access to just a lot of ⁓ things and I would always even knowing that she had a child in her early 20s, that she didn't feel that isolation and that loneliness being a young mom. But even in her who she is ⁓ being in her social position, knowing all these people and having ⁓ to all these different social groups and money to travel and to do ⁓ this and that, ⁓ still felt that loneliness and that isolation. And I'm sure even now, even as a married mother with three more children, She probably still feels ⁓ lot of ⁓ same feelings that we all feel ⁓ mothers. And I think that it's important to remember, and that's I brought in these Reddit stories, ⁓ that we're experiencing the same things. I don't care. mean, some of us, we all have different circumstances, ⁓ and we ⁓ different people maybe we have some us have more money than other people or whatever some of us are living ⁓ on own in our own homes some of us are living with grandparents or relatives or whatever the situation may be motherhood is what's the word i'm looking for ⁓ really an subjective experience it does not matter somebody like Hillary Duff you know, even the rich and famous people who have of ⁓ things ⁓ go through that very isolating period of ⁓ lonely, feeling isolated from friends, not feeling like anybody understands, not having anybody hang out with because in a different phase than everybody else. And so I just think it's important to remember ⁓ that matter what somebody's life looks like on social media, what I think that they have, We're really all the same. ⁓ important to remember that. And think that that's it. I'll probably wrap up here. I'm really excited to get back to recording episodes Nothing deep or that ⁓ traumatic was on. ⁓ sometimes I ⁓ I feel like I need ⁓ to isolate and do my own thing and so what I did for a couple of months. But I've made some really good changes to my life that I hopefully are a little risky, but will hopefully play out well. And I'm just excited to kind of get back to it's gonna be summer and I love summer. I'm excited to get back to, you know, doing some things that I to do for myself in addition to this. And excited to just experience summer and go to the beach. and just have fun. So that's it. Thank you so much everybody. I will be back with more episodes soon. So please, please listen. If you are listening and you like my podcast, please rate, review, comment, all of that stuff on whatever platform you listen on, Spotify, Apple, iHeart, whatever. It really will really, really, really, really, really, really will help. Thank you so much. Bye.