<v Speaker 1>Please hear me loud when I say this. Softness requires safety.

<v Speaker 1>If she does not feel safe around you, she's not

<v Speaker 1>going to be soft and let you handle things and

<v Speaker 1>all the different things. She's not going to do that.

<v Speaker 1>So you cannot demand the fruit of an environment that

<v Speaker 1>you have not cultivated. Hey babe, it's Aisha. Christina. Nice

<v Speaker 1>to meet you. This is quality queen control. What? is happening. Hello, angels.

<v Speaker 1>How is everyone feeling today? I'm on fire. Do we

<v Speaker 1>not see that we've been growing? First of all, shout

<v Speaker 1>out to those of you that have been subscribing to

<v Speaker 1>the Quality Queen Control podcast. As you guys know, for

<v Speaker 1>right now, we are making the incremental transition into making

<v Speaker 1>this the main channel. So Quality Queen Control podcast channel

<v Speaker 1>is going to be the main channel for right now.

<v Speaker 1>So I want you guys to make sure that you

<v Speaker 1>are subscribing. I'm not sure if my team and I

<v Speaker 1>are slowly but surely kind of doing a collab with

<v Speaker 1>the old channel and this one, just so that we

<v Speaker 1>can integrate whoever is not aware of that transition over

<v Speaker 1>to this channel as well, because we want to grow

<v Speaker 1>this channel a lot bigger than the Asia Christina one. Okay.

<v Speaker 1>Which has over like 200,000 subscribers. So we really just

<v Speaker 1>need a nice fresh reset and what better way than

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<v Speaker 1>you guys can continue to hear more great episodes like

<v Speaker 1>this one where we are talking about how men set

<v Speaker 1>the tone in relationships. All right. I want everybody to

<v Speaker 1>sit back, relax and take some notes if you want to.

<v Speaker 1>So I want to talk about something that I think

<v Speaker 1>gets misunderstood when we talk about relationships, right? The fact

<v Speaker 1>that men, in fact, do set the tone. And before

<v Speaker 1>everybody gets upset, I'm not saying that women have no

<v Speaker 1>responsibility necessarily for the health of a relationship. However, I'm

<v Speaker 1>also not saying that a woman can behave however she

<v Speaker 1>wants and blame everything on a man. I'm really not

<v Speaker 1>saying that either. But this is about men, all right?

<v Speaker 1>I'm saying that when a man desires to lead in

<v Speaker 1>a relationship, He has to understand that leadership creates the culture.

<v Speaker 1>Leadership creates the culture of the relationship. And what men

<v Speaker 1>sometimes or maybe oftentimes fail to realize is we're reflecting

<v Speaker 1>back to you what you're bringing to our table. If

<v Speaker 1>you're going to bring ka-flum, expect ka-flum back, all right?

<v Speaker 1>And the culture that is created is going to influence

<v Speaker 1>the woman that you are with, right? Because you cannot

<v Speaker 1>constantly create confusion and then complain that, She's anxious. You

<v Speaker 1>cannot create inconsistency and then you're complaining that she keeps

<v Speaker 1>asking questions. She's perpetually suspicious and yada, yada, yada. You

<v Speaker 1>cannot create an environment where the woman that you're with

<v Speaker 1>doesn't feel emotionally safe. And then you're going to ask,

<v Speaker 1>why can't you just relax? Sir, relax where? All right.

<v Speaker 1>You haven't created anywhere where for her to put her

<v Speaker 1>nervous system down. And leadership is more than just necessarily

<v Speaker 1>paying for dinner. And I think sometimes when we hear

<v Speaker 1>men should lead, we immediately think, okay, he plans the date,

<v Speaker 1>he pays, he opens the door, he makes the decisions.

<v Speaker 1>And those things can absolutely be expressions of leadership because

<v Speaker 1>they are, right? But leadership goes so much deeper than that.

<v Speaker 1>And I want to take a pause here and just

<v Speaker 1>say that in dating, it is just really profound to

<v Speaker 1>me how different men do not understand certain things. Like

<v Speaker 1>what comes natural for certain men, I mean, I guess

<v Speaker 1>is not a rule of thumb for others. And please, men,

<v Speaker 1>do not skip out on chivalry. Chivalry should not be dead, okay?

<v Speaker 1>I know it's not dead. in fact. However, it's really

<v Speaker 1>just such an amazing thing to observe, the fact that

<v Speaker 1>some men genuinely do struggle with the concept of knowing

<v Speaker 1>how to be romantique when it comes to a relationship

<v Speaker 1>or in the pursuit of a woman. They struggle with

<v Speaker 1>how to show up and be romantic. And to be honest,

<v Speaker 1>it really just is... It's wild to me. I mean,

<v Speaker 1>I almost have no words for it because I'm just like,

<v Speaker 1>how does it not come natural to you to maybe

<v Speaker 1>be more accommodating or, you know, want to put your

<v Speaker 1>best foot forward when it comes to pursuing a woman?

<v Speaker 1>But I guess there really are some men that allegedly

<v Speaker 1>don't know. So can you set the emotional tone of

<v Speaker 1>the relationship when there's conflict? Are you an emotionally regulated person?

<v Speaker 1>Or if something goes wrong, do you know how to communicate?

<v Speaker 1>The last thing you need is a man who doesn't

<v Speaker 1>know how to regulate his emotions. He shuts down or

<v Speaker 1>he gets too nervous. temperamental and hot and heavy over

<v Speaker 1>a situation where an environment is created where you're walking

<v Speaker 1>on eggshells. That is a recipe for disaster. Because now

<v Speaker 1>you don't want to mention anything when it bothers you.

<v Speaker 1>You don't feel comfortable mentioning anything when it bothers you

<v Speaker 1>because you don't want to be gaslit. You don't want

<v Speaker 1>to be made to feel or seem like you are

<v Speaker 1>making a big deal of something and it's important to you,

<v Speaker 1>but you can feel very strongly that it absolutely does

<v Speaker 1>not matter to him in any capacity. Nobody wants to

<v Speaker 1>be in a relationship like that. That is a recipe

<v Speaker 1>for disaster. So communication really is everything. And also radical honesty,

<v Speaker 1>radical honesty when it comes to being in a relationship

<v Speaker 1>as well, especially if you are someone that is within

<v Speaker 1>a marriage, right? In order for the health of a

<v Speaker 1>relationship to be sustainable, there needs to be open communication

<v Speaker 1>where you feel comfortable saying whatever you need to say

<v Speaker 1>to me, obviously discerning how to say something, because there

<v Speaker 1>are ways you can say something while still being honest, right?

<v Speaker 1>Because when you like somebody and you love somebody, your

<v Speaker 1>first thought is not to offend someone by speaking the truth,

<v Speaker 1>but rather to deliver the truth, but in a loving way, right?

<v Speaker 1>So like I said, communication is everything. So if you're upset,

<v Speaker 1>are you able to, as a man, express yourself or

<v Speaker 1>do you disappear for three days? When you make a mistake,

<v Speaker 1>can you simply say, I was wrong? Babe, can you

<v Speaker 1>say it? When you tell the woman that you're with

<v Speaker 1>that you're gonna do something, does she know that she

<v Speaker 1>can actually expect it to happen? Let me tell you something.

<v Speaker 1>One of the greatest things I was ever told by

<v Speaker 1>a guy that I dated was a man only has

<v Speaker 1>his word. If a man does not honor his word,

<v Speaker 1>he has nothing. And I truly realized the significance in

<v Speaker 1>that because at the end of the day, men know men,

<v Speaker 1>men know men. So they know as a man, this

<v Speaker 1>is why I bring it back to the Love Island

<v Speaker 1>show where Corbin was upset with insincere because of the

<v Speaker 1>fact that sincere was going to the boys and giving

<v Speaker 1>them a certain picture. Yeah, bro. I like Melanie. This

<v Speaker 1>is what is going on. And then behind the scenes,

<v Speaker 1>he was giving a completely different story to soul and

<v Speaker 1>whoever else that he was giving attention to. That's what

<v Speaker 1>he was doing. So he, so Corbin looked at it as,

<v Speaker 1>wait a second, bro. I can't even trust your word

<v Speaker 1>man to man. That seemed like he was very offended

<v Speaker 1>by that. And Honestly, reasonably so, because why are you

<v Speaker 1>being two-faced like this, right? As a man, all you

<v Speaker 1>have is your word. And there's something so attractive about

<v Speaker 1>a man who just accepts radical accountability. I also remember

<v Speaker 1>in dating a guy, he mentioned to me, like, it's

<v Speaker 1>important to remember that everything is always your fault, pretty much.

<v Speaker 1>And I kind of like that mindset because it just shows, like,

<v Speaker 1>as a man, my job is just to fix it,

<v Speaker 1>create a solution, and that's it, and that is all. Like,

<v Speaker 1>it automatically puts you in the solution seat, right? That

<v Speaker 1>honestly is the approach that you want your man to

<v Speaker 1>have if I'm really gonna keep it up with you.

<v Speaker 1>But like I said, You want, you're setting the tone.

<v Speaker 1>You can't perpetually be upset that she's nagging you for

<v Speaker 1>this and that and this and that when you, your

<v Speaker 1>words not align with the things you say you're going

<v Speaker 1>to do. That's what we expect, especially as a woman. Now,

<v Speaker 1>imagine you come home every night and you expect, if

<v Speaker 1>you guys have discussed that, for her to be cooking

<v Speaker 1>you a meal, right? At least let's say a couple

<v Speaker 1>days out of the week. Imagine coming home and there's

<v Speaker 1>always an excuse for why she didn't do it and

<v Speaker 1>this and that, when that's something that you guys had

<v Speaker 1>previously discussed. Now you're going to be on edge, I'm sure, right?

<v Speaker 1>Wondering like, oh, like, man, can I get a home

<v Speaker 1>cooked meal or something like that? Like what really is

<v Speaker 1>going on here where she's telling you, yeah, yeah, no problem.

<v Speaker 1>I'm definitely going to do it, babe. But she never

<v Speaker 1>gets around to actually doing it. Aren't you going to

<v Speaker 1>feel like, all right, I just, you've lost credibility in

<v Speaker 1>your word. I don't I don't really know what else

<v Speaker 1>to say here. Like, it's annoying. But when you keep

<v Speaker 1>your word as a man, your word is bond, right?

<v Speaker 1>That is leadership. Leadership is not just, I'm the man,

<v Speaker 1>so just follow me and do whatever I say. Okay,

<v Speaker 1>but where are we going? You say ride or die? No, sir, no, ma'am. No,

<v Speaker 1>I'm not. Because where are we going? I'm not following

<v Speaker 1>you into confusion. I'm not following you into dysfunction. I'm

<v Speaker 1>not following you into financial irresponsibility or lack thereof. You

<v Speaker 1>have no finances. Won't be following you there. Certainly won't

<v Speaker 1>be following you to the pits of hell. That's a

<v Speaker 1>place that will never see me, okay? Not following a lot.

<v Speaker 1>I'm not following a lot of you, okay? All right? Like,

<v Speaker 1>and I don't understand how some women are like, we

<v Speaker 1>really need to build ourselves up so that we are

<v Speaker 1>not subjecting ourselves, especially the easiest way to get conned

<v Speaker 1>essentially is to be intimate with some guy. And now

<v Speaker 1>you're just like compromise and you can't really see straight.

<v Speaker 1>You can't really discern whether what's really going on because

<v Speaker 1>you've already created the soul tie, but that's a story

<v Speaker 1>for another day. But like I said, I'm not going

<v Speaker 1>to follow you into emotional immaturity. And I'm definitely not

<v Speaker 1>going to be following somebody simply because he announced himself

<v Speaker 1>as a leader. He tries to portray himself like a leader. No,

<v Speaker 1>I'm going to discern as I need to, because I

<v Speaker 1>do believe in men being the leaders of a relationship. However,

<v Speaker 1>that does not preclude the fact that as a woman,

<v Speaker 1>we should have our opinions be uh, respected and we

<v Speaker 1>should not feel like there's this hierarchy of, yeah, it's

<v Speaker 1>whatever I say and that's it and shut up. No,

<v Speaker 1>that's not what I'm saying at all. Come on, grow up.

<v Speaker 1>But leadership has to be demonstrated. And that's where I

<v Speaker 1>feel like some men miss the mark is you're not

<v Speaker 1>demonstrating leadership qualities, but you want to receive the benefits

<v Speaker 1>of being a leader. That makes no sense to me.

<v Speaker 1>Because if there is mistrust in the atmosphere, best believe

<v Speaker 1>that you created that environment. Argue with your mother. That

<v Speaker 1>is what you've done. You've created an environment where she's

<v Speaker 1>not feeling safe enough to trust where it is that

<v Speaker 1>you were leading her. And figure out when that started, okay?

<v Speaker 1>Go back in time and figure out when that actually

<v Speaker 1>started because women often respond to the environment, all right?

<v Speaker 1>And this is the part that I really want women

<v Speaker 1>and men to hear. Women often respond to the environment

<v Speaker 1>that they're in. Notice I said respond. I did not

<v Speaker 1>say women have zero accountability, but the environment matters. If

<v Speaker 1>you put a woman in an environment where she constantly

<v Speaker 1>has to wonder, does he actually like me? Is he

<v Speaker 1>talking to somebody else? Why did his communication suddenly change?

<v Speaker 1>Is he ghosting me? Why does he say one thing

<v Speaker 1>and do another? Why when I ask him to do this,

<v Speaker 1>it takes him seven months to finally like, Give me

<v Speaker 1>the correct turnaround time. Like where is this relationship actually going?

<v Speaker 1>And eventually you're going to start to see the manifestation

<v Speaker 1>of anxiety because that is the foundation of what you've

<v Speaker 1>essentially created. Do you understand what it is that I'm saying?

<v Speaker 1>And this is where men fail to take accountability. If

<v Speaker 1>you want to be a leader, why are you leading

<v Speaker 1>her down this path? Why are you leading her? I

<v Speaker 1>posted something on my Instagram that made so much sense.

<v Speaker 1>I said that an emotionally available man does not need

<v Speaker 1>you to think less. He gives you less to think about.

<v Speaker 1>Think about when a man really is pursuing you, right?

<v Speaker 1>He almost leaves no room for question. I mean, you

<v Speaker 1>know for a fact, emphatically, that that man is feeling you.

<v Speaker 1>You know that he really likes you. You know how

<v Speaker 1>he feels. And you also know and clock the moment

<v Speaker 1>where things start to feel different, where all of a

<v Speaker 1>sudden you notice the dynamic has changed. where all of

<v Speaker 1>a sudden you start to pick up, okay, he's slower

<v Speaker 1>to respond now. He's not answering me for like days

<v Speaker 1>at a time. Like you start to notice when that

<v Speaker 1>pattern starts as well. And so you're going to see

<v Speaker 1>the defensiveness, of course, men, when you are creating an

<v Speaker 1>environment like this, you're going to see the hyper independence.

<v Speaker 1>All right, it's fine. I got it. I'm going to

<v Speaker 1>do it on my own. And now you're feeling as

<v Speaker 1>a result in your mix match mind, oh yeah, well,

<v Speaker 1>she doesn't even really need me because that's the environment

<v Speaker 1>that you created. And this is why as woman, when

<v Speaker 1>you're stepping into a dynamic, be radically honest with what

<v Speaker 1>it is that you desire in a relationship and what

<v Speaker 1>it is that you need, okay? Because inevitably that man

<v Speaker 1>is gonna try and get something from you, okay? If

<v Speaker 1>you know what I mean, if you know what I'm saying.

<v Speaker 1>And so you reserve every right if a man's gonna

<v Speaker 1>be asking for your soul, because that's essentially what it is.

<v Speaker 1>Your body is your soul. Hello, right? Let's not, okay,

<v Speaker 1>we're grownups here. It's your soul that controls your mind,

<v Speaker 1>your will, and your emotions. Be aware of this, okay?

<v Speaker 1>Knowledge is power, ladies. So you're going to, of course,

<v Speaker 1>show up in a hyper-independent way when there's a situation

<v Speaker 1>where you don't feel trusting. And why would you be

<v Speaker 1>giving your mind and your body and your soul to

<v Speaker 1>a man who hasn't even shown you that he can

<v Speaker 1>truly lead you? These are things that we have to

<v Speaker 1>think about. So yeah, from, you know, from my perspective

<v Speaker 1>to a man, you're gonna see a woman that's gonna

<v Speaker 1>try and control situations because she doesn't trust that someone

<v Speaker 1>else is gonna eventually handle anything, right? And the same man,

<v Speaker 1>like I said, they're gonna turn around and say, why

<v Speaker 1>can't you be softer? Well, softness requires safety. Please hear

<v Speaker 1>me loud when I say this. Softness requires safety, all right? Yes,

<v Speaker 1>there are certain types of women, all the different things.

<v Speaker 1>I myself, I have a very strong personality. But I

<v Speaker 1>believe that's what makes me unique is the fact that

<v Speaker 1>I'm able to maintain being soft and ambitious at the

<v Speaker 1>same time. I know it's very difficult. It doesn't come

<v Speaker 1>naturally to a lot of people. I think that's what

<v Speaker 1>one of my purposes is on earth is to showcase that, right?

<v Speaker 1>Like I have a strong personality, but it's not to

<v Speaker 1>the right man. I mean, to a traditional man, he's

<v Speaker 1>not going to see that as... okay, she's acting like

<v Speaker 1>a dude. Like she's being like a man. She's being

<v Speaker 1>very masculine. I've never even been described in that way before.

<v Speaker 1>And I think it's a delicate dance because not many

<v Speaker 1>women understand how to do that. But I do want

<v Speaker 1>to emphasize the fact that softness requires safety. If she

<v Speaker 1>does not feel safe around you, she's not going to

<v Speaker 1>be soft and let you handle things and all the

<v Speaker 1>different things. She's not going to do that. So you

<v Speaker 1>cannot demand the fruit of an environment that you have

<v Speaker 1>not cultivated. And woman, I think this matters for us too,

<v Speaker 1>because sometimes maybe we have been independent for so long

<v Speaker 1>that we don't even realize how much we're carrying. So

<v Speaker 1>we are making every decision. We are planning everything. We

<v Speaker 1>are fixing everything by default. We're anticipating everything. We're protecting ourselves.

<v Speaker 1>And we're basically saying, don't worry, I'll handle it. Right?

<v Speaker 1>And then when you meet a man who maybe genuinely says,

<v Speaker 1>I got that. and actually proves that he does, then

<v Speaker 1>something in you can then exhale. And it's not because

<v Speaker 1>you're incapable, but I would say that it's because you

<v Speaker 1>finally don't have to be capable every single second. That

<v Speaker 1>is the key. Yes, I know I can, but it

<v Speaker 1>would be great to be offered the option of not

<v Speaker 1>having to, okay? Of course I can do this. Of

<v Speaker 1>course I can do that. But I don't want you

<v Speaker 1>to coach me through it in this context. I want

<v Speaker 1>you to accommodate and do it for me and demonstrate

<v Speaker 1>it for me. there's a difference, right? So when it

<v Speaker 1>comes to setting a tone, what does that actually look like? Well,

<v Speaker 1>if you want honesty in your relationship, you need to

<v Speaker 1>be honest. If you want respectful, you need to be respectful.

<v Speaker 1>If you want vulnerability, you create an environment where vulnerability

<v Speaker 1>isn't punished. Okay, men, if you want affection, be affectionate.

<v Speaker 1>If you want peace, do not introduce chaos every three

<v Speaker 1>business days. And if you want your woman to trust

<v Speaker 1>your leadership, then you need to become trustworthy. Where are

<v Speaker 1>you going? Where are you leading her? Not just blindly

<v Speaker 1>following you. And you have to be realistic of that.

<v Speaker 1>I think where the incongruency starts to rear its ugly

<v Speaker 1>head is where you're unaware of your behaviors and how

<v Speaker 1>they're translating, but you have expectations that don't align with

<v Speaker 1>the environment that you have created while you maintain the

<v Speaker 1>lack of awareness of the environment that you've cultivated. And

<v Speaker 1>now we just have a bunch of where we're just

<v Speaker 1>in a circle jerk where you don't understand her. She's

<v Speaker 1>not understanding you. She's reacting to the environment you created.

<v Speaker 1>You don't think you've, you've created that environment. You don't

<v Speaker 1>have the awareness that you created that environment. So now

<v Speaker 1>you're just confused, right? But if you want a woman

<v Speaker 1>to feel secure in the relationship, then you have to

<v Speaker 1>stop making her decode your intentions. That, my friend, is

<v Speaker 1>setting the tone. You want her to be soft. You

<v Speaker 1>want her to feel glamorous, all these different things. Okay,

<v Speaker 1>but you don't take her anywhere. Your life is boring.

<v Speaker 1>You don't do anything. And then what's up with the

<v Speaker 1>men who want the hottest girls ever, but you're not

<v Speaker 1>even in shape? Look down. Can you see... Can you

<v Speaker 1>see your toes? But you want the hottest thing walking, right?

<v Speaker 1>There's some incongruency there. You want what you cannot and

<v Speaker 1>you do not possess. How does that make sense, right?

<v Speaker 1>And I think this starts extremely early especially in the

<v Speaker 1>dating phase. How you approach a woman sets the tone.

<v Speaker 1>Are you intentional? Do you actually plan the dates? I

<v Speaker 1>don't wanna hear you planning a date the day of. Hey,

<v Speaker 1>looks like I'm around, so would you mind going out

<v Speaker 1>for dinner tonight? Sweetie, no woman on earth, unless you're desperate, Deborah,

<v Speaker 1>wants to be given last minute plans. You want to know,

<v Speaker 1>you want to have your outfit, especially when you're dating someone,

<v Speaker 1>you're setting the tone. You want to have your outfit

<v Speaker 1>ready for them. You know, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba.

<v Speaker 1>You want to feel like you were considered before the day.

<v Speaker 1>Not that you were just dropped off in the middle

<v Speaker 1>of the day, like, oh yeah, I have nothing else

<v Speaker 1>to do. And for you, for some odd reason, it

<v Speaker 1>can read as spontaneity and that's just what you like

<v Speaker 1>and that's what you enjoy. But I'm telling you right now,

<v Speaker 1>you're not going to have a very good, you're not

<v Speaker 1>going to attract a good quality of woman, if I'm

<v Speaker 1>going to be honest with you, if you are going

<v Speaker 1>about dating in that way. You're always going to meet

<v Speaker 1>women that are probably very desperate and don't really have

<v Speaker 1>that much... belief or confidence in themselves because no truly respectable,

<v Speaker 1>more traditional woman would want to be considered last minute

<v Speaker 1>for a plan just because you just happen to have

<v Speaker 1>free time. That type of spontaneity is for established relationships even.

<v Speaker 1>Not in the very beginning stages, even three months in,

<v Speaker 1>I think that that's still a brand new dynamic. I mean,

<v Speaker 1>you shouldn't just be, hey, out of nowhere, hey, I'm around,

<v Speaker 1>you wanna hang out? It's like, and especially, again, in

<v Speaker 1>the first month, nobody wanna hear something like that, I'm sorry.

<v Speaker 1>Do you plan dates? It showcases, I thought about you,

<v Speaker 1>I thought about this as a plan. It's also showcasing

<v Speaker 1>those leadership capabilities. What can you do when you're not

<v Speaker 1>prompted to do so? Otherwise, you're going to meet a

<v Speaker 1>lot of masculine women who are like going out of

<v Speaker 1>their way to plan. Hey, so how does Friday night

<v Speaker 1>sound for you? Great. I was thinking we could do sushi.

<v Speaker 1>All right. So I'm going to wear this. How about

<v Speaker 1>you wear... Is that the woman that you want? right?

<v Speaker 1>Do you communicate clearly, right? Do you follow through? Do

<v Speaker 1>your actions match the interest that you claim to have, sir?

<v Speaker 1>You came to me, baby. I didn't come to you.

<v Speaker 1>You came to me. So again, this is for mature people.

<v Speaker 1>If you're going to express interest in somebody, right? I'm

<v Speaker 1>not talking about just for the sake of getting between

<v Speaker 1>the sheets, grow up, get health, right? Do your actions

<v Speaker 1>match the interest you claim to have? Otherwise, leave her alone.

<v Speaker 1>Or are you giving her crumbs? And then you expect

<v Speaker 1>girlfriend level investment, okay? Because you're teaching somebody how this

<v Speaker 1>relationship is going to operate from the very beginning. This

<v Speaker 1>is why I say everything matters in the beginning. Everything

<v Speaker 1>matters all the time, but it especially matters in the

<v Speaker 1>beginning because it sets the tone. This is why you

<v Speaker 1>go out of your way where you find you're always

<v Speaker 1>having to teach him how to do this, things like that.

<v Speaker 1>It's always going to be like that. It will always

<v Speaker 1>be like that. Okay. Some men, maybe exceptions to the rule,

<v Speaker 1>they can catch on to something and make the adjustments.

<v Speaker 1>But for the vast majority, no girl. Okay. Exactly what

<v Speaker 1>you're seeing is what it's going to be. When a

<v Speaker 1>man is first meeting you, his sole objective is to

<v Speaker 1>not only pursue you, right? For whatever his reasoning is initially, right?

<v Speaker 1>We didn't initiate that vasopressin yet, but whatever that is,

<v Speaker 1>His main objective is to impress you, right? He's supposed

<v Speaker 1>to show you why you should be with him and

<v Speaker 1>consider that, right? So that's why he's bonding with you.

<v Speaker 1>He's communicating with you. He's giving you phone calls. Maybe

<v Speaker 1>you guys are FaceTiming. He's very communicative with you is

<v Speaker 1>the point. But courting sets a tone, right? This is

<v Speaker 1>why I'm such a believer in intentional courting, because if

<v Speaker 1>the beginning of the relationship is W-Y-D, come over, last

<v Speaker 1>minute plans, it's convenient because he just happens to be free,

<v Speaker 1>or it's sexual conversations before you even establish any sort

<v Speaker 1>of emotional intimacy, red flag, red flag. And you can,

<v Speaker 1>you can shut it down. Ladies. Let's not forget. You

<v Speaker 1>don't have to be like, dang, well, I'm really feeling him.

<v Speaker 1>So let me just feed into it. Yeah. So what

<v Speaker 1>you got on that's sexy. I want to, you got

<v Speaker 1>some pics. You want to step. Now you guys are

<v Speaker 1>exchanging inappropriate photos and pop, pop, pop, pop, pop. You

<v Speaker 1>just took the line and just scribbled all over. Like

<v Speaker 1>you just really just ruined it. Now you feel dumb.

<v Speaker 1>Cause I know you do. You do feel dumb and

<v Speaker 1>you should feel dumb. Cause that was dumb. You're now

<v Speaker 1>feeling like, dang, I think I took it too far.

<v Speaker 1>Now you feel stupid. This guy has done, has, you know,

<v Speaker 1>did what he did to fix his self. You're grown. Okay.

<v Speaker 1>And now you're just stuck thinking like, oh my gosh,

<v Speaker 1>I think I took it too far. I shouldn't have

<v Speaker 1>said all those explicit things in the way that I

<v Speaker 1>did because we haven't even established any sort of emotional

<v Speaker 1>true connection. We are nothing at this point, but interested individuals.

<v Speaker 1>You understand? And we've already had like a deeply explicit

<v Speaker 1>actual conversation. And for all my Christian girlies out there, girls,

<v Speaker 1>you already know this isn't something that we should really

<v Speaker 1>even be having to worry about, right? Like everything needs

<v Speaker 1>to be done decently and in order. Right? So like

<v Speaker 1>I said, no real dates, no conversation about intentions, no consistency.

<v Speaker 1>And somehow we're shocked that six months later that the

<v Speaker 1>relationship doesn't have any structure. You built it without structure.

<v Speaker 1>The beginning of the relationship is where you are establishing.

<v Speaker 1>This is how I communicate. This is how I pursue you.

<v Speaker 1>This is how I handle your boundaries. Hello men, I'm

<v Speaker 1>talking to you. This is how I handle disappointment. This

<v Speaker 1>is how I show interest. This is how I treat

<v Speaker 1>you when I'm not getting exactly what I want, okay?

<v Speaker 1>That's why I tell women to pay attention during the

<v Speaker 1>courtship because you shouldn't just listen to what it is

<v Speaker 1>that he's promising you. Watch the environment that he's creating

<v Speaker 1>around you, all right? And we have a responsibility too

<v Speaker 1>as ladies, right? You know, a man can create a

<v Speaker 1>healthy environment, but women are still capable of destroying it. right?

<v Speaker 1>We understand that very well. We have to understand as women,

<v Speaker 1>we have agency, which is why if a certain conversation

<v Speaker 1>is going toward a certain path, steer it back, okay?

<v Speaker 1>Women also have accountability. We have responsibility. So I'm not

<v Speaker 1>just giving us permission to say, well, I acted crazy

<v Speaker 1>because he didn't lead me correctly. No, I understand that. No, ma'am,

<v Speaker 1>we're grown. You're still responsible for how you also behave.

<v Speaker 1>If a guy's gonna set a booby trap for you, well, sweetie,

<v Speaker 1>don't fall in it, all right? But I do believe

<v Speaker 1>in a healthy masculine-feminine dynamic, a man's leadership can heavily

<v Speaker 1>influence the climate of a relationship. I stand 10 toes

<v Speaker 1>out on that. And as a woman, our response can

<v Speaker 1>either nurture what it is that he's building, or we

<v Speaker 1>can tear it down. It's reciprocal, right? And even when

<v Speaker 1>we think about biblical leadership, it looks different. And because

<v Speaker 1>you guys know faith is very, very important to me,

<v Speaker 1>I have to bring some scripture into this. People love

<v Speaker 1>talking about biblical submission, but somehow we whisper through the

<v Speaker 1>part right before and after where it says husbands are

<v Speaker 1>given an enormous responsibility. In Ephesians 5, it tells us

<v Speaker 1>that husbands are to love their wives as Christ loved

<v Speaker 1>the church and gave himself up for her. Do you

<v Speaker 1>understand what kind of leadership that that describes? Sacrificial leadership. Hello,

<v Speaker 1>and let the church say, Uh-huh, type amen in the

<v Speaker 1>comments is what I want to see. Not, I'm the man,

<v Speaker 1>therefore you do what I say. No, Christ's leadership wasn't

<v Speaker 1>rooted in ego. In fact, all current believers that are

<v Speaker 1>in the faith understand that God gives us choice power.

<v Speaker 1>God is not down here forcing us to read the

<v Speaker 1>Bible and do this and do that. He's not forcing us, okay?

<v Speaker 1>We have choice power. It was rooted in service and

<v Speaker 1>sacrifice and truth. It was rooted in protection. It was

<v Speaker 1>rooted in responsibility. It was rooted in love. So if

<v Speaker 1>a man wants a biblical woman, he should also ask himself, well,

<v Speaker 1>am I becoming a biblical man? I don't care about

<v Speaker 1>your God first in the bio. That means nothing to me.

<v Speaker 1>You got a scripture in the bio. Romans 12. I

<v Speaker 1>don't want to see it. I don't want to hear it.

<v Speaker 1>If your life does not produce anything of the sort,

<v Speaker 1>when it comes to the fruit. There will always be

<v Speaker 1>fruit of how a person claims to be and what

<v Speaker 1>they actually are, right? You are what you do, not

<v Speaker 1>what you say. You understand. Now, because biblical leadership is

<v Speaker 1>not a privilege that gives you control over somebody, it's

<v Speaker 1>a responsibility that requires something from you. And peace is

<v Speaker 1>one of the biggest indicators. And one of the biggest

<v Speaker 1>things that I pay attention to now is what happens

<v Speaker 1>to my peace around you. Not the butterflies, not the chemistry,

<v Speaker 1>not the... actual attraction, not whether or not you're handsome,

<v Speaker 1>you're hot, not whether or not I get excited when

<v Speaker 1>your name pops up on the phone, but what happens

<v Speaker 1>to my peace? Do I feel secure? Do I feel respected?

<v Speaker 1>Do I feel like I can communicate honestly without being

<v Speaker 1>punished for it? I'm telling you, it's very rare, unfortunately,

<v Speaker 1>but it's not impossible. There are great men out here, guys.

<v Speaker 1>There where you feel truly safe and comfortable to say

<v Speaker 1>what you feel and you don't feel like you're being

<v Speaker 1>punished for it. Do I know where I stand? Do

<v Speaker 1>your actions consistently match your words? These are the things

<v Speaker 1>that we are looking for when it comes to leadership

<v Speaker 1>because chemistry can make you feel butterflies, but the inconsistency

<v Speaker 1>is what's gonna be giving you anxiety. And sometimes we

<v Speaker 1>as women mistake the anxiety for passion. Oh my gosh,

<v Speaker 1>I can't stop thinking about him. Baby, that's because sometimes

<v Speaker 1>your brain is trying to solve a puzzle, all right?

<v Speaker 1>That's not necessarily your husband. You might just be confused.

<v Speaker 1>And the woman that you're asking for, okay, requires an

<v Speaker 1>environment that men will sometimes describe, you know, the woman

<v Speaker 1>that they want. They want a feminine woman. They want

<v Speaker 1>a peaceful woman. They want a supportive woman. They want

<v Speaker 1>a woman who trusts them. Okay. Well, what kind of

<v Speaker 1>man would that woman naturally feel safe being those things around?

<v Speaker 1>Because you can't just ask somebody to trust your leadership.

<v Speaker 1>You haven't even demonstrated anything. All right. That's what it

<v Speaker 1>is at the end of the day. So if you're

<v Speaker 1>going to call yourself a leader, you have to recognize

<v Speaker 1>that leadership sets the culture. So ultimately when I'm evaluating

<v Speaker 1>a man, I'm not only asking, do I like him?

<v Speaker 1>I'm asking what kind of relationship seems to follow this

<v Speaker 1>man's character. Does his presence produce clarity or confusion? Peace

<v Speaker 1>or anxiety? Consistency or instability? Low effort, okay? Is he

<v Speaker 1>not really putting in any of that work? Is he

<v Speaker 1>looking to just meet you out of convenience? Does he

<v Speaker 1>inspire trust because he is trustworthy? You know, Does he

<v Speaker 1>make responsibility feel like it's shared or does being with

<v Speaker 1>him feel like you've, you've now adopted another responsibility? Because honestly, ladies,

<v Speaker 1>the man you choose does not determine who you're dating,

<v Speaker 1>but he will have a tremendous influence on the emotional

<v Speaker 1>environment that you are living in. So don't only choose

<v Speaker 1>based on the chemistry, pay attention to the tone that

<v Speaker 1>he sets. Okay. So if you want to lead as

<v Speaker 1>a man, right, create an environment that's worth following, all right?

<v Speaker 1>Thank you for coming to my TED Talk, ladies and gents. Okay,

<v Speaker 1>this episode was also for you guys on today. I'd

<v Speaker 1>love to hear your thoughts about this. I'd love to

<v Speaker 1>hear about an experience maybe besides typing amen in the

<v Speaker 1>comments if you have watched this far, but I'd love

<v Speaker 1>for you guys to share an experience maybe you had

<v Speaker 1>where a guy has set the tone for you in

<v Speaker 1>a relationship, and then some of you can share where

<v Speaker 1>a guy has not set the tone and you've ignored it,

<v Speaker 1>And that's become detrimental to your happiness. So with that

<v Speaker 1>being said, do not forget that I love you and

<v Speaker 1>God loves you. I'll speak to you beautiful angels in

<v Speaker 1>my next podcast episode.