<v Speaker 1>What happens consistently without you having to threaten to leave?

<v Speaker 1>What happens consistently without you always having to kind of

<v Speaker 1>crack a joke that you would just be on your

<v Speaker 1>way out? Bah, bah, bah, bah. I'm telling you. Pay

<v Speaker 1>attention to what happens after conflict. Hey, babe. It's Aisha. Christina.

<v Speaker 1>Nice to meet you. This is quality queen control. What? Hello, angels.

<v Speaker 1>How is everyone feeling? I hope you guys are feeling

<v Speaker 1>as good as I'm looking. Yeah. Uh-huh. I'm not going

<v Speaker 1>to be here before you long. I want to get

<v Speaker 1>straight into the meat and potatoes today because I have

<v Speaker 1>a lot to say. A lot of the times we

<v Speaker 1>find ourselves as women dating potential. The real question to

<v Speaker 1>ask yourself is who is he right now? Okay. Who

<v Speaker 1>is he ahora? All right. And a lot of women

<v Speaker 1>are not dating the man in front of them. They

<v Speaker 1>are dating the story that they created about the man

<v Speaker 1>that he could become. All right. And potential is going

<v Speaker 1>to sound like once he gets his career together, once

<v Speaker 1>he's ready to settle down, once he heals from his

<v Speaker 1>last relationship, once he becomes more financially stable, once he

<v Speaker 1>learns how to communicate. The list just goes on and

<v Speaker 1>on and we're sick of it, okay? And you should

<v Speaker 1>be too. There's nothing wrong with seeing potential in someone. However,

<v Speaker 1>the problem is when the potential becomes the justification for saying,

<v Speaker 1>I'll put it to you plain like this. Men never

<v Speaker 1>date potential. They date you for who you are right now.

<v Speaker 1>If you're ugly to them, you're ugly, all right? If

<v Speaker 1>you're a little bit on the heavier side and they're

<v Speaker 1>not into heavier woman, no man is going to go, well,

<v Speaker 1>you know what, bro? I feel like she has a

<v Speaker 1>really beautiful face. So actually, I think I'm going to

<v Speaker 1>give her a chance. But that's usually things that we

<v Speaker 1>as women tend to do, right? I... I see the potential.

<v Speaker 1>It just needs a little fixing. That's what we tend

<v Speaker 1>to do, right? And again, I'm speaking physicality here, which

<v Speaker 1>obviously is fixable, you know, for the most part. However,

<v Speaker 1>men don't even at the baseline fix. for something physical,

<v Speaker 1>make a permanent decision, like being with us and sticking

<v Speaker 1>around with us. Hey, some guys, they might, you know,

<v Speaker 1>ones with a little less looser standards, they may say, hey,

<v Speaker 1>you know what, whatever, it's, you know, free cootie, so

<v Speaker 1>let me just get in on that. You don't want

<v Speaker 1>that type of guy anyway, all right? Like I said,

<v Speaker 1>if absolutely nothing about this person changed, would you still

<v Speaker 1>want the relationship is what you should ask yourself. Because

<v Speaker 1>potential is possibility. However, character is evidence. So potential feels

<v Speaker 1>like it's very seductive because, well, you fill in all

<v Speaker 1>the blanks, right? Sometimes we're attracted to who we've imagined

<v Speaker 1>somebody becoming, aka we are romanticizing. And early dating, it

<v Speaker 1>gives you incomplete information, and so your brain is gonna

<v Speaker 1>naturally fill in what's missing. Don't be that girl. If

<v Speaker 1>you really like somebody, you're more likely to fill in

<v Speaker 1>those blanks favorably, all right? Now, a few good qualities

<v Speaker 1>can cause us to assume the existence of qualities that

<v Speaker 1>we actually haven't even witnessed at all, right? He's ambitious.

<v Speaker 1>So that means he'll probably become successful. Not necessarily. He's affectionate.

<v Speaker 1>So he'll probably make a really good husband. He's really

<v Speaker 1>good with kids that we see randomly belong to other people.

<v Speaker 1>He'll probably make a great father. Or... He's spiritual, so

<v Speaker 1>he must have strong character. He has God first in

<v Speaker 1>the bio, so he is a God-fearing man. None of

<v Speaker 1>those conclusions are necessarily true, all right? And just like

<v Speaker 1>how the same thing goes For if a guy has

<v Speaker 1>money does not mean they're going to be generous with

<v Speaker 1>their money. All right. Let's just call a spade a spade.

<v Speaker 1>Just because a guy is has a legitimate, successful career

<v Speaker 1>doesn't mean that he's going to necessarily open up the

<v Speaker 1>floor to also give you opportunities either. See, attraction can

<v Speaker 1>make assumptions feel like they're observations. Hello? And the thing is,

<v Speaker 1>sometimes you're not even grieving the actual relationship when it ends.

<v Speaker 1>What you're grieving is the future that you imagined having

<v Speaker 1>with that person. And that's why a three month situation

<v Speaker 1>can hurt and feel like, oh my gosh, I'm hurting

<v Speaker 1>from like a three year relationship here. Because you've already

<v Speaker 1>mentally experienced the wedding, the house, the kids, the trips,

<v Speaker 1>the holidays, the da-da-da-da, and the list just goes on.

<v Speaker 1>But you should ask yourself, what has he actually demonstrated

<v Speaker 1>to me versus what have I projected onto him? That's

<v Speaker 1>what it is. It's a lot of projection going around town,

<v Speaker 1>and I'm here to snap you guys out of it.

<v Speaker 1>Because what you need to stop doing is stop turning

<v Speaker 1>a man's possibilities into personality traits. He is exactly who

<v Speaker 1>he is today, ahora, in front of you, okay? He's

<v Speaker 1>not who you imagine him to be in your head.

<v Speaker 1>That is it. Case closed, all right? Stop giving future

<v Speaker 1>credit to present behavior. End of story. So you know what?

<v Speaker 1>A lot of you are going to have to learn

<v Speaker 1>to start to get good at goodbye, okay? Like what Sam...

<v Speaker 1>Smith said. Okay. He said he's way too good at goodbyes.

<v Speaker 1>I'm gonna have to second him on that one. Me too.

<v Speaker 1>So that is the thing that we have to wake

<v Speaker 1>up and realize is stop imagining people and get the good, get,

<v Speaker 1>start getting good at goodbyes. Okay. It's, it's not going

<v Speaker 1>to be easy when you start, but like, you know,

<v Speaker 1>what Oprah said with when she tried her first no

<v Speaker 1>on Stevie Wonder, Okay? She said it got a lot

<v Speaker 1>easier after that. You got to start somewhere. Okay? You

<v Speaker 1>guys need to start leaving at the peak of the party.

<v Speaker 1>That's my favorite thing to do. I love leaving at

<v Speaker 1>the peak of the party. I love leaving at a

<v Speaker 1>peak moment. That's basically what I'm trying to say here.

<v Speaker 1>You guys are smart. All right? Because... There doesn't need

<v Speaker 1>to be a sinking ship for you to finally go

<v Speaker 1>and try to catch a dinghy. Is that what they

<v Speaker 1>call it? Whatever. Okay. Salt life. I'm not about it.

<v Speaker 1>Next question. But there doesn't need to be this catastrophic

<v Speaker 1>ending in order for you to say, you know what?

<v Speaker 1>I think I'm done here. I think I've seen all

<v Speaker 1>that I needed to see. Ladies, Have your own deadline

<v Speaker 1>set up. Don't wait for to see this and that

<v Speaker 1>and this and that and carrying on for you to

<v Speaker 1>finally be like, okay, like I'm done. No, have your

<v Speaker 1>own deadlines. If in my head, in my timeline, first

<v Speaker 1>of all, this is not even reading my standards. If

<v Speaker 1>by this X time, I don't receive this and I

<v Speaker 1>don't see this data point, I'm done. Good bye. Okay.

<v Speaker 1>And get good at the goodbyes. You know, women sometimes

<v Speaker 1>give men relationship credit for things that they haven't even

<v Speaker 1>done yet, right? So if he says he's gonna start

<v Speaker 1>planning dates, all of a sudden you think, oh my gosh,

<v Speaker 1>like this is such a dramatic improvement. But think about

<v Speaker 1>in the manner in which it was done. I saw

<v Speaker 1>a video the other day that said something really profound.

<v Speaker 1>And there were these guys talking about like, I guess

<v Speaker 1>how they met, all the things. But basically the point

<v Speaker 1>of the video was discussing how it is very important,

<v Speaker 1>To hear someone state their expectations and the right man

<v Speaker 1>will view it as instructions and not like, you know,

<v Speaker 1>demands that feel like, oh, I think you're asking for

<v Speaker 1>too much. The right man for you is going to say, oh, OK,

<v Speaker 1>she's laying out to me. what she wants, what she desires,

<v Speaker 1>I'm gonna fall in line with that, right? So think

<v Speaker 1>about the manner and the urgency in how things are

<v Speaker 1>being done, all right? If he said that he'll have

<v Speaker 1>more time next month, all right, well, let's see. Simply,

<v Speaker 1>are you gonna do what you say you're gonna do, right?

<v Speaker 1>If he says he's working on communication, great, but has

<v Speaker 1>his behavior changed? intentions matter, but intentions without the execution

<v Speaker 1>do not create a different relationship, babe. So it doesn't matter.

<v Speaker 1>You have a genre of men that are out here

<v Speaker 1>and they genuinely think because they okay, okay, everything, they're

<v Speaker 1>not argumentative, whatever. And you think, okay, that's a good sign. Okay. Yes,

<v Speaker 1>of course, it's a good sign. He's not going to

<v Speaker 1>be argumentative with you, but that does not necessarily mean

<v Speaker 1>that he's going to be changing his behavior. That does

<v Speaker 1>not necessarily negate the fact that he does not follow

<v Speaker 1>up the things that he's going to do. He does

<v Speaker 1>not view the things that you say as not only instruction,

<v Speaker 1>but he doesn't have any sense of urgency with them.

<v Speaker 1>You feel like you're in his world. He's not in

<v Speaker 1>your world. You guys are not sharing a world together.

<v Speaker 1>It feels like you're entering into his world. How does

<v Speaker 1>that work? What do you want? What do you want?

<v Speaker 1>Because someone can sincerely intend to do better, but they

<v Speaker 1>consistently fail to do it. Let's not let that fall

<v Speaker 1>on deaf ears. Someone can intend sincerely to do better,

<v Speaker 1>but they consistently fail to do it. I call that

<v Speaker 1>irreconcilable differences, okay? I'm sorry. Sometimes... You're good enough is

<v Speaker 1>not good enough. End of story. Like I have experienced

<v Speaker 1>that plenty of times in my life where someone that

<v Speaker 1>I'm dating, I just feel like their best is just

<v Speaker 1>not the best enough for me. It's just not. And

<v Speaker 1>I'm not going to change on that. You don't have

<v Speaker 1>to accuse someone necessarily of lying to acknowledge that their

<v Speaker 1>intentions are not producing results, right? You know, two things

<v Speaker 1>can be true at once. So you don't date someone's apology.

<v Speaker 1>You don't date someone's explanation. You don't date someone's five-year plan, right?

<v Speaker 1>You date their pattern, okay? The promises should eventually become behavior.

<v Speaker 1>And when I say eventually, I mean yesterday, all right?

<v Speaker 1>Give people reasonable room to grow, but don't create an

<v Speaker 1>indefinite waiting room because that's what a lot of people

<v Speaker 1>are doing. So you should ask yourself right here, how

<v Speaker 1>long have you been giving somebody credit for something that

<v Speaker 1>they're always about to start doing? Maybe your boyfriend thinks

<v Speaker 1>he's going to be a rapper. Okay. Maybe your man

<v Speaker 1>thinks that he's about, I had a guy, a clown

<v Speaker 1>that I was seeing when I was in my twenties

<v Speaker 1>and he made a comment to me saying how he

<v Speaker 1>was going to invent this or whatever. He's just really

<v Speaker 1>just a clown from the pits of, that's fine. I'm

<v Speaker 1>not even going to go there. I was in Vegas.

<v Speaker 1>I remember this so vividly with my parents and he

<v Speaker 1>was like talking to me about this invention he was

<v Speaker 1>going to have. And I think when I was like

<v Speaker 1>that young, I was like, oh, like really trying to

<v Speaker 1>be supportive of it. But he's done nothing of the sort.

<v Speaker 1>He didn't invent anything other than his own delusions is

<v Speaker 1>what he's invented in his head. Okay. That remains to

<v Speaker 1>be true still to this day. I assume because I don't,

<v Speaker 1>I don't check up on him, but I just presume.

<v Speaker 1>All right. Stop giving people the future credit for present

<v Speaker 1>day disappointment. Okay. You don't do that. psychology even shows,

<v Speaker 1>this is why half the time you shouldn't say, announce

<v Speaker 1>the things that you're going to do because you should

<v Speaker 1>be doing them first so that by the time you

<v Speaker 1>announce them, you're not getting credit for something you did

<v Speaker 1>not already accomplish. Do you understand what it is that

<v Speaker 1>I'm saying? So with that being said, it is very

<v Speaker 1>important that we analyze patterns over promises. All right. This

<v Speaker 1>is where we need to start to use our discernment.

<v Speaker 1>Because a promise is gonna tell you what somebody wants

<v Speaker 1>you to believe. And a pattern is gonna tell you

<v Speaker 1>what they consistently prioritize. Think about that, please. No, no, no, no, no.

<v Speaker 1>Do not gloss over this. You have to think about

<v Speaker 1>what that person is consistently prioritizing. Look at the facts,

<v Speaker 1>look at the data. If you find that every time

<v Speaker 1>you're spending majority of your brain space trying to figure

<v Speaker 1>out how to word this to this man so that

<v Speaker 1>he can try to meet your standards or understand where

<v Speaker 1>it is that you're coming from. Read the data and

<v Speaker 1>the data will show you what that man consistently prioritizes,

<v Speaker 1>whether it's work, whether he's using work as an excuse,

<v Speaker 1>because if he wanted to, baby, he always will. He

<v Speaker 1>always will inevitably. Okay. Or whether or not he just

<v Speaker 1>prioritizes everything else over you. Let's just call a spade

<v Speaker 1>a spade. It is what it is, right? You're clearly

<v Speaker 1>not the priority. And that's why you're always having to

<v Speaker 1>kind of meet him halfway here or whatever the case. No, no, no, no, no. Okay.

<v Speaker 1>Like I said, a pattern tells you what they consistently

<v Speaker 1>prioritize and suck it up and realize that sometimes it's

<v Speaker 1>just not you. Let people do what they want to

<v Speaker 1>do so that you can see what they would rather do. Always.

<v Speaker 1>Some people, you know, in relationships, some of us women,

<v Speaker 1>what you want to do is you want to steer

<v Speaker 1>the relationship so much in a certain direction that this

<v Speaker 1>is why you guys get played with and fooled. Because this,

<v Speaker 1>the wrong person could try to fake fall in line

<v Speaker 1>with these standards and all the different things because you're

<v Speaker 1>giving them a blueprint. It's okay to suggest a certain thing, right?

<v Speaker 1>You know, that's okay. But to the point where you're

<v Speaker 1>steering the ship because you know in your heart, okay,

<v Speaker 1>even on a surface level, that once you let go

<v Speaker 1>of the reins, you don't really know where this is

<v Speaker 1>going to go, okay? You do not give the man

<v Speaker 1>the blueprint on how to capture and, you know, capture

<v Speaker 1>your heart. That's so silly. That's silly-minded. Don't be silly minded,

<v Speaker 1>all right? Anyone can have an incredible week. Anyone can

<v Speaker 1>plan a beautiful date. Anybody can send one emotional paragraph.

<v Speaker 1>Anybody can apologize after you finally reach your breaking point.

<v Speaker 1>Let me tell you something. One thing about me, like

<v Speaker 1>I said, great at goodbyes, okay? You need to start

<v Speaker 1>getting good at them. Once you bring me to a

<v Speaker 1>certain point, it is already irreconcilable, okay? Yeah. Jesus Christ

<v Speaker 1>is my Lord and Savior, but I'll tell you this

<v Speaker 1>right now. One thing about me, once I feel like

<v Speaker 1>a certain line is crossed, you're done. You're done. Love

<v Speaker 1>you with the love of the Lord, but you're done.

<v Speaker 1>It will not ever, ever be the same. It will

<v Speaker 1>not ever be the same. And that's not being bitter.

<v Speaker 1>Let me be clear here. That's me instating my boundaries of,

<v Speaker 1>I know I'm a very communicative person. I know that I,

<v Speaker 1>by time I reach a certain point, it is inevitably

<v Speaker 1>100% within good reason that I've reached a certain point.

<v Speaker 1>I'm not, yes, I will cut people off. I'm great

<v Speaker 1>at cutting people off, but genuinely from an emotionally sane standpoint,

<v Speaker 1>it is never ever without good reason. Okay. So like

<v Speaker 1>I said, You don't want to be the person where

<v Speaker 1>after there's a breaking point, then we got to start

<v Speaker 1>with the apologetics. No, it shouldn't take all that. It

<v Speaker 1>shouldn't take me having to literally leave your life for

<v Speaker 1>you to finally wake up and be like, oh my gosh,

<v Speaker 1>I finally realized how great you are. And that I

<v Speaker 1>really want to be with you and all the different

<v Speaker 1>things and all the kaflam. No, like you should have,

<v Speaker 1>if you valued it, you wouldn't have done something to

<v Speaker 1>compromise you losing it. That's end of story. If you

<v Speaker 1>truly valued it, why would you ever put yourself in

<v Speaker 1>a position to ruin it? Especially from a perspective of

<v Speaker 1>a man, they value what they invest in. So if

<v Speaker 1>he hasn't really invested anything in you, the connection is

<v Speaker 1>not that deep. It's really not. And so yes, it's

<v Speaker 1>going to be easy for him to walk away or

<v Speaker 1>whatever the case is. We can go on into that

<v Speaker 1>in another podcast episode. But the point is, is that

<v Speaker 1>anyone can apologize, okay? But we need to see change behavior. See,

<v Speaker 1>the question here is what happens consistently without you having

<v Speaker 1>to threaten to leave? What happens consistently... without you having

<v Speaker 1>to threaten to leave? What happens consistently without you always

<v Speaker 1>having to kind of crack a joke that you would

<v Speaker 1>just be on your way out, ba-ba-ba-ba? I'm telling you.

<v Speaker 1>Pay attention to what happens after conflict, right? Does the

<v Speaker 1>improvement actually last? I spoke with a young lady, she

<v Speaker 1>was really young, and she was telling me that her

<v Speaker 1>boyfriend said that he was, they were together, whatever, They're teenagers.

<v Speaker 1>And now he's saying he doesn't have time for her.

<v Speaker 1>Like he has no time for her. He doesn't really

<v Speaker 1>see her. He's canceling on dates the night before because

<v Speaker 1>he said he's going to be tired the next day.

<v Speaker 1>Every time they do get into a little bit of

<v Speaker 1>an argument, he then decides he's going to performatively behave

<v Speaker 1>better for three days, but it's never a day after

<v Speaker 1>three days. So you have to ask yourself, Does the

<v Speaker 1>improvement actually last? When men truly value you and want

<v Speaker 1>to be with you, they're not going to compromise that.

<v Speaker 1>And do not let a man step into your life

<v Speaker 1>and then convince you that, oh, what you want is

<v Speaker 1>just really unrealistic. You're just barking up the wrong tree, babe.

<v Speaker 1>I'm telling you. You're just barking up the wrong tree.

<v Speaker 1>I don't care if you met five different guys in

<v Speaker 1>a row that all say the same thing. None of

<v Speaker 1>those men were your men, all right? If you, let's

<v Speaker 1>call a spade a spade. If you look good, if

<v Speaker 1>you're in shape, you take care of yourself. Like, let's

<v Speaker 1>just call a spade a spade. What is there really?

<v Speaker 1>You are intelligent, okay? You're educated. What is there really

<v Speaker 1>not to like here for a man of value, being

<v Speaker 1>careful with my words here, to be attracted to and

<v Speaker 1>to be drawn to? Hello? Or on the contrary, do

<v Speaker 1>things improve temporarily until they feel secure again and then

<v Speaker 1>we go back into the whole circle jerk, okay? Watch

<v Speaker 1>the consistency across the weeks and the months, not just

<v Speaker 1>the moments. Because consistency isn't necessarily about perfection. Somebody can

<v Speaker 1>make mistakes while they're demonstrating an overall reliable pattern, okay?

<v Speaker 1>You are looking for the trajectory. Are we actually progressing?

<v Speaker 1>Are we actually progressing? Are we looking up together? Because

<v Speaker 1>it takes two to tango. Do not let exceptional moments

<v Speaker 1>distract you from an ordinary pattern. Because a lot of

<v Speaker 1>the men out here are ordinary, okay? Do not let

<v Speaker 1>those moments distract you. You know, one amazing weekend does

<v Speaker 1>not cancel six months of inconsistency. Be very clear with yourself.

<v Speaker 1>This is where we're so used to trauma and nonsense

<v Speaker 1>and ka-flum. okay, that we simply look at this stuff

<v Speaker 1>and think, oh my gosh, it's just so much better.

<v Speaker 1>It's really improving because we finally had such an amazing date.

<v Speaker 1>You got the wrong one if you think that that's me.

<v Speaker 1>I look at the data and the facts. I don't

<v Speaker 1>care how good of one time we had. I still

<v Speaker 1>don't like you. What's up? Mm-hmm. You're not fooling anybody

<v Speaker 1>but yourself, okay? And also, the older you become, you

<v Speaker 1>realize it takes a lot to like somebody, right? I

<v Speaker 1>do believe in liking people. Yes, I do. I'm sorry.

<v Speaker 1>Is that something of the past? No, no, no, no, no, okay?

<v Speaker 1>I do believe I should actually like the person. What

<v Speaker 1>are you saying right now? Anyways, one amazing weekend... should

<v Speaker 1>never cancel out six months of inconsistency. And this is

<v Speaker 1>where a lot of you get got, okay? You get

<v Speaker 1>got because you focus on only the good because you're

<v Speaker 1>so desperate. It's all you have to hang on to, right?

<v Speaker 1>So it's like, oh my gosh, we're finally getting somewhere.

<v Speaker 1>I'm so happy. Like all the different things. No, no, no, no.

<v Speaker 1>You need to understand someone's circumstances doesn't mean accepting them.

<v Speaker 1>I don't care what your circumstances are. That does not

<v Speaker 1>mean that I need to accept them. It doesn't. Because

<v Speaker 1>I'm telling you, the cold hard truth here is you

<v Speaker 1>would not be granted the same grace here in this

<v Speaker 1>particular context from a man's perspective. And this one in

<v Speaker 1>particular here is very important because empathetic women get very

<v Speaker 1>caught up. You can understand why someone behaves a certain

<v Speaker 1>way and still decide that that behavior doesn't work for you. Hello?

<v Speaker 1>You can still make that decision, diva. Intelligent queen. Oh,

<v Speaker 1>he's overwhelmed with work. I understand he works a lot.

<v Speaker 1>His work hours are this. His last relationship hurt him.

<v Speaker 1>He's never really had a healthy relationship that was modeled

<v Speaker 1>for him. So you want to give him all this grace. Oh,

<v Speaker 1>he's under a lot of financial pressure. And all of

<v Speaker 1>those things can be completely true. All right. But your

<v Speaker 1>needs can still be unmet. Your needs will still be

<v Speaker 1>unmet in that context. And it's a no for me, dog.

<v Speaker 1>In the words of Randy, explanation does not equate to compatibility.

<v Speaker 1>I don't care what your reason is. Thank you for

<v Speaker 1>letting me know that. Genuinely, I do appreciate it. That's cute.

<v Speaker 1>But It doesn't demonstrate compatibility for me. That's why you

<v Speaker 1>guys should make sure that you watch my episode talking

<v Speaker 1>about compatibility. I'm talking about having the capacity. I'm talking

<v Speaker 1>about chemistry versus compatibility and also capacity. You guys need

<v Speaker 1>to watch that episode. It goes great. Honestly, hand in hand.

<v Speaker 1>Now that I'm thinking about it with this episode, empathy

<v Speaker 1>should help you understand that. somebody. It should not require

<v Speaker 1>you to abandon yourself because two truths, like I said,

<v Speaker 1>can coexist. I understand that you're struggling, but I cannot

<v Speaker 1>build a relationship that I want under these circumstances. Yes.

<v Speaker 1>Think about yourself for once. Okay. I we're like, hello,

<v Speaker 1>like ladies, like we're, we're older now. We have to

<v Speaker 1>realize you have to really think about yourself when you

<v Speaker 1>are beginning these relationships, like stop it. You're already stepping in. Yes.

<v Speaker 1>Walk all over me. Oh my gosh. Anything you say, please. Yeah.

<v Speaker 1>I'm just so happy you like me. Woohoo. Enough. You

<v Speaker 1>have to really talk to yourself and say, you know what? Actually,

<v Speaker 1>I cannot build the relationship that I want, that I

<v Speaker 1>desire under these circumstances. Someone does not have to be

<v Speaker 1>a bad person for you to leave. Please understand this.

<v Speaker 1>This is the sign of true maturity. Understanding that someone

<v Speaker 1>does not need to be a bad person in order

<v Speaker 1>for you to leave. This is classic case of leave

<v Speaker 1>at the peak of the party. When you have collected

<v Speaker 1>enough data to then realize, you know what? I've seen

<v Speaker 1>all I could see here. No harsh feelings, nothing like that,

<v Speaker 1>but I got to move on here, right? I don't

<v Speaker 1>feel that there's a connection beyond this and I'm going

<v Speaker 1>to move on with my life. you know, and leave

<v Speaker 1>it just like that. It doesn't have to be this big,

<v Speaker 1>deep thing. And of course, as we know, never, ever,

<v Speaker 1>ever type a long dissertation, I know we're still not

<v Speaker 1>doing this in 2026, about explaining why you feel that

<v Speaker 1>this is, that, that, that. Don't do it because he's

<v Speaker 1>not gonna read it, okay? I'm gonna help you out.

<v Speaker 1>He's not gonna read it and he also does not care,

<v Speaker 1>all right? You have a better chance of saying what

<v Speaker 1>you have to say in person say it on FaceTime,

<v Speaker 1>what have you, but don't, girl, don't type that long dissertation, okay?

<v Speaker 1>You're going to embarrass yourself. You don't need to necessarily

<v Speaker 1>even prove that somebody is toxic before you decide that

<v Speaker 1>they are not right for you. Because guess what? Incompatibility

<v Speaker 1>is sufficient enough. Yes, it is. You don't need a

<v Speaker 1>villain in order to have a valid reason to leave.

<v Speaker 1>I'm going to say that again. You don't need a

<v Speaker 1>villain in order to have a valid reason to leave.

<v Speaker 1>You could just go. You know that, right? Free will.

<v Speaker 1>It's crazy. Free will is just nuts, right? Dating itself

<v Speaker 1>is not only data, but it's an assessment, not rehabilitation,

<v Speaker 1>all right? Dating is supposed to answer, are we a

<v Speaker 1>good fit? Not, can I turn you into a good fit?

<v Speaker 1>And that's where a lot of us get it wrong

<v Speaker 1>because that's what it is a majority of the time.

<v Speaker 1>Can I turn you into a good fit for me? No,

<v Speaker 1>you have to observe character. You have to observe values.

<v Speaker 1>You have to observe emotional maturity. You have to observe lifestyle, communication, Capacity, capacity,

<v Speaker 1>relationship expectations, conflict resolution, their ambition and work ethic. Do

<v Speaker 1>they say they're going to do what they are going

<v Speaker 1>to do, all right? Do the words match up with

<v Speaker 1>the actions? What is their financial philosophy? What are their

<v Speaker 1>faith and worldviews? What are their family goals? This is

<v Speaker 1>where a lot of us have to really take stock

<v Speaker 1>in data. A man that truly wants to get to

<v Speaker 1>know you is not going to be hitting you up

<v Speaker 1>every single day talking about, hey, what you up to?

<v Speaker 1>What's going on over there? It's basically the reinvented, what

<v Speaker 1>you doing, Tex? Enough. And some of you should really

<v Speaker 1>be bored of that. But you know what? This is

<v Speaker 1>so crazy. I was talking to my friend, Mauricia, earlier,

<v Speaker 1>shout out to my girl, The Wrist Life. And she said,

<v Speaker 1>a lot of women, they don't care about substance. They

<v Speaker 1>just want attention. I said, oof, mic drop. This is

<v Speaker 1>where we go wrong as women. You care more about

<v Speaker 1>attention than substance. This is why you get fooled. Here

<v Speaker 1>you have a guy that's been texting you for X

<v Speaker 1>amount of time and you think, oh my gosh, like

<v Speaker 1>we talk every day. This means so much. But a

<v Speaker 1>smart woman understands, well, the quality of the conversation isn't

<v Speaker 1>really deep. So I don't care about him communicating with

<v Speaker 1>me for X amount of time because the quality of

<v Speaker 1>the conversation does not make sense for me. So I'm

<v Speaker 1>not going to assume that because there's consistency in textual communication,

<v Speaker 1>that that's an indication of his capacity to want to

<v Speaker 1>get to know me. Because like I just listed off

<v Speaker 1>to you before, if they're not asking you deep questions

<v Speaker 1>about actually getting to know who you are, asking you

<v Speaker 1>what you're doing is not getting to know you. Communicating

<v Speaker 1>with you every day is not getting to know you,

<v Speaker 1>all right? It depends on the quality and the context

<v Speaker 1>of the conversation. Right. And then sometimes women can discover

<v Speaker 1>incompatibilities and immediately begin negotiating against the information. Why? Maybe

<v Speaker 1>if I explain why this matters, maybe if I maybe

<v Speaker 1>if I'm patient enough, maybe if I show him a

<v Speaker 1>healthy relationship or like how it works, he'll, you know,

<v Speaker 1>want to be with me. At some point, you are

<v Speaker 1>no longer assessing him, you are coaching him. We don't

<v Speaker 1>do that here, all right? Growth inside of a relationship

<v Speaker 1>is normal. However, needing somebody fundamentally to transform before the

<v Speaker 1>relationship works is very different. Your standards should not be

<v Speaker 1>an employee improvement plan. And that's what a lot of

<v Speaker 1>you are doing. It's an employee improvement plan. Yeah, you're

<v Speaker 1>allowed to meet somebody, wonderful. Yes, and conclude, eh, not

<v Speaker 1>for me. Not for me. Yes, you're great, sir, but

<v Speaker 1>you're still not for me. Like I said, get good

<v Speaker 1>at goodbyes. I look at myself and I'm thinking like,

<v Speaker 1>as much as I invest in my own self in

<v Speaker 1>every way, spiritually, mentally, physically, financially, why on, of course,

<v Speaker 1>the people that are accessible to me, that are my

<v Speaker 1>draft picks are going to be in the running. They're

<v Speaker 1>going to be great people. Doesn't mean that they all

<v Speaker 1>should be with me. End of story. Dating is an

<v Speaker 1>audition for compatibility. It is not an internship where you

<v Speaker 1>train somebody to become your partner. Okay? Yeah. And then

<v Speaker 1>I want you to ask yourself this question. Would you

<v Speaker 1>still choose this guy if he never, ever changed you? Yeah.

<v Speaker 1>If this person remained exactly as they are today for

<v Speaker 1>the next five years, would you enthusiastically choose this relationship? No.

<v Speaker 1>Some of you, I'll answer that for you. The answer

<v Speaker 1>is emphatically no. You guys are so desperate to be

<v Speaker 1>in a relationship, to get attention, not substance, attention from

<v Speaker 1>a guy and just the consistency of, oh my gosh,

<v Speaker 1>he's texting me every single day, that you mistake it

<v Speaker 1>for a deeper bond than it actually is. Not realizing

<v Speaker 1>all he's asked you is a long summation of what

<v Speaker 1>you doings, how's your day going? It's just flirty, witty

<v Speaker 1>banter back and forth. Nothing of substance. nothing of substance.

<v Speaker 1>And you mistake that for closeness, for a bond. And

<v Speaker 1>you think, you know what? Once he grows more feelings

<v Speaker 1>for me, then this will actually change. No. Exactly how

<v Speaker 1>everything begins is what sets the tone for the relationship.

<v Speaker 1>This is why I crack hard down the way that

<v Speaker 1>I do when it comes to dating and collecting my data.

<v Speaker 1>Because I'm not playing around, right? I don't play about me,

<v Speaker 1>so I'm not going to let someone else play with me.

<v Speaker 1>It's not a thing. So you really have to ask yourself,

<v Speaker 1>if they never even changed, would I still feel as

<v Speaker 1>enthusiastic about this relationship? Not, well, if he made more money,

<v Speaker 1>if he became more romantic, if he communicated better, if

<v Speaker 1>he became more emotionally available, if he proposed, if he

<v Speaker 1>stopped doing that annoying thing, no. Or if his schedule changed,

<v Speaker 1>if he became, no, him right now. Then you should

<v Speaker 1>ask yourself, am I happy with this person? or am

<v Speaker 1>I hopeful about this person I'm gonna make a separate

<v Speaker 1>video on Instagram about that those are very different things

<v Speaker 1>all right because hope can keep you attached long after

<v Speaker 1>reality has given you an answer it's dangerous You can

<v Speaker 1>believe that somebody is capable of becoming incredibly and, you know,

<v Speaker 1>becoming incredible and still recognize that you're not required to

<v Speaker 1>wait for their transformation. No, no, no, no, no, ma'am.

<v Speaker 1>And sometimes they will become that person later, but that's

<v Speaker 1>for them to figure out, not for you to stick

<v Speaker 1>around for. And that doesn't mean that leaving was even

<v Speaker 1>a mistake either because timing matters. Readiness matters. You're choosing time.

<v Speaker 1>a partner based on the season you're actually living in,

<v Speaker 1>not the hypothetical future. This is why I talk about capacity.

<v Speaker 1>Because if you're in a place where you have the

<v Speaker 1>capacity to invite love in and welcome love in, and

<v Speaker 1>that person is so guarded, I don't care what the

<v Speaker 1>reason is. This is your life. This is your relationship,

<v Speaker 1>your future, your present. Don't play about yourself, okay? When

<v Speaker 1>you get serious about yourself, quickly, you will see that

<v Speaker 1>reflected in your decisions and what you tolerate in a relationship.

<v Speaker 1>So like I said, that person needs to have capacity

<v Speaker 1>to be able to be in the same season as you. Otherwise,

<v Speaker 1>it's incompatibility. It's very simple. Don't, you don't marry someone's

<v Speaker 1>potential and then 10 years, you spend 10 years of

<v Speaker 1>your life resenting the reality of the situation. No, potential

<v Speaker 1>should be a bonus, not the foundation. Healthy dating sounds

<v Speaker 1>more like I genuinely like who you are now and

<v Speaker 1>I'm excited about who we are both becoming. Not I

<v Speaker 1>tolerate who you are now because I'm excited about who

<v Speaker 1>I think that you'll become. That's the distinction, right? Yeah,

<v Speaker 1>everyone should have room for growth. Nobody comes into a

<v Speaker 1>relationship completely finished, right? But the goal is not to

<v Speaker 1>find a flawless person. The goal is finding someone whose

<v Speaker 1>current character and capacity and current lifestyle are already compatible

<v Speaker 1>enough with yours to build upon. Because potential should add

<v Speaker 1>the excitement to an already healthy foundation. It should not

<v Speaker 1>be the foundation itself. So in conclusion, I want you

<v Speaker 1>to stop asking whether someone has the potential to become

<v Speaker 1>the person that you need. And you need to start

<v Speaker 1>asking whether the person standing in front of you is

<v Speaker 1>someone that you would freely choose today. Because potential can

<v Speaker 1>be beautiful. Yeah, it's cute. But you can't build a

<v Speaker 1>relationship with possibility. End of story. Chapter closed. And that

<v Speaker 1>is the conclusion. That's that on that. Thank you, ladies,

<v Speaker 1>for spending some time with me. This was very, this

<v Speaker 1>was a little hot little session, okay? Packed with some

<v Speaker 1>meat and some potatoes. Chew on that, watch this back,

<v Speaker 1>send it to a friend, rate this podcast five stars.

<v Speaker 1>I want you to hype this video up that you

<v Speaker 1>are seeing on the channel. We're trying to grow this

<v Speaker 1>channel past the Asia Christina channel. We're trying to grow

<v Speaker 1>Quality Queen Control podcast channel to a million, okay? And

<v Speaker 1>I know that we can do it for a fact, okay?

<v Speaker 1>YouTube changed all their monetization rules, yada, yada, yada, and

<v Speaker 1>we need to get this channel monetized, okay? So make

<v Speaker 1>sure that you hype this video, you send it to

<v Speaker 1>a friend, all the good things. With that being said,

<v Speaker 1>do not forget that I love you and God loves you.

<v Speaker 1>I'll speak to you beautiful angels in my next podcast episode.