Hey, guys.

Welcome back to another episode of Here Comes The Drama.

I'm your host, Christa Innis and as always, thank you for being here.

I feel like August was the quickest month of my life.

I feel like I can hardly keep up, but August was exceptionally, busy.

We had our family vacation.

I think I talked about this in a previous episode.

so I was gone for a week, and then I went to a women's camp

that I went to last year.

wearing the hat right now, Camp Social.

so there was just so much going on.

that all being said, today is going to be a little bit of a highlight episode.

Every few episodes I like to do highlight episodes and showcase some of the great

conversations that we've had, but if you're like, "Well, I've listened to

all of them," don't hang up yet or don't turn this off yet because I am

gonna do a brand new wedding dilemma that was just sent to me, I think,

two weeks ago, so it's very fresh.

We're gonna get into it in just a minute.

But this week we are gonna highlight, important conversations and wild stories

featuring Salma, my best friend Yvette, who's been on multiple times but one

of the more recent episodes, Shawna Lander, Shawna The Mom, as many of

you guys know her, and Lauren Lowder, so, also known as Burnt Out Teachers.

So great conversation with some great co-hosts for those

episodes and, some wild stories.

So we're gonna highlight, those episodes just because I need to

catch my breath a little bit.

and I'm also curious, you guys can comment this on YouTube or wherever

you listen, but if you listen to the episode or listened to multiple episodes

and you are thinking, "Oh, blank would be a great guest on this show"

let me know who you're thinking of.

I'm always looking for a new guest to have on the show, and we do a little

bit of outreach and see who can come on.

I do all the outreach myself personally just because I feel like it only makes

sense to have people on that I personally admire their work or connect with or

have seen, and, there's just so many great, fun people out there that I would

love to get to know, and this is a great way to kind of connect in that way.

So okay, we are gonna highlight some previous episodes as well, but let's

get into this week's wedding dilemma.

Here we go " I need advice.

We're having a traditional pagan wedding ceremony in 2028 with a

unity circle seating arrangement.

I've seriously been considering making the ceremony child-free,

with the exception of children who are actually part of the wedding."

Okay, very common.

" That would include my two boys and my two older sister's daughters.

One will be the flower girl, and the other will act as an usher

since they'll have assigned seating.

The problem is, if I'm being completely honest-" the main reason I'm considering

this is because of my brother's kids.

Ooh, okay.

My brother and his wife have very little control over their children.

When they're around family, they tend to sit on their phones and expect

everyone else to watch the kids, then act surprised when the kids

get into something or misbehave.

They're currently living with my parents, and the kids have very little

respect for my parents or their home.

The last time they were at my house, they went into my oldest son's room

and completely dismantled a Lego he had been working on for four days.

He has special needs, so you can imagine the fallout when he came

home from his dad's a few days later and discovered what had happened.

That same day, the two oldest kids also drew all over my front door

and window with Chapstick Okay.

I've talked to my mom and sisters about possibly making the ceremony child-free

because I really don't want to deal with that kind of behavior during our wedding.

I don't want kids talking through the ceremony or running around.

I want everyone's focus to be on us and the significance of that moment.

I honestly don't mind kids being at the reception aside from wanting

them to settle during a few key moments like dances in totes.

We also have friends and members of the bridal party who will be bringing

their children, so I don't wanna give the impression that we simply

don't want kids at our wedding.

But that creates another problem.

I know my brother and his wife would be deeply offended if they showed

up and realized their children were the only ones who weren't invited.

So how do I address this with my brother and his wife without coming across like

a complete biotch or making them feel like we don't want their family there?

I love them and want them to celebrate us, but I also don't want to spend my

wedding ceremony worrying about whether their kids are going to disrupt it.

Woo.

Okay, it was hard to not keep stopping and adding stuff in.

I know people don't like when I do that a lot, but, like,

there's so much going on here.

First and foremost, I'm gonna say to this person writing this in that

What you are feeling is very normal.

I know a lot of people that have similar situations where they're like, " I

don't want people to be excluded, but I have this concern about blank," right?

And you think about that, you know.

As your wedding day comes up, you're like, "Is this gonna go okay?" You

know, whether it's children, wherever there's alcohol issues, or whether,

people are gonna fight, you know, whatever that, looks like for you.

it's difficult especially when you already have families that are planning

on bringing their kids, Let me start by saying you can do whatever you want, but

in my mind, you can't exclude one family.

That is going to cause way more issues, I think, and people correct me if I'm wrong.

But it's way easier if you were like, " Only my siblings' kids, like, only nieces

and nephews are invited to the wedding.

No other kids can come." But if you are having people in the wedding

party and their kids come, and other wedding guests and their kids come,

and your brother and his wife come and theirs were the only ones not

invited, that would be very offensive.

So again, as the bride and groom, you can do whatever you want, but that doesn't

mean you won't have issues following.

now going back to what you were saying, When we talk about child-free

weddings, it usually is because the parents don't watch the kids.

It's not because people don't like kids and not because they're worried about

the kids, it's because the parents aren't going to take control over the kids.

I just heard rec- someone I know about a similar story where they were at a

wedding and kids were acting up, and the parents weren't doing anything.

So that is where the problem lies, right?

So you have to decide what you're comfortable

communicating with your brother.

Do you want to tell your brother, " Here's my concern for the wedding"?

Have you talked to your brother or had to bring it up with your brother

in the past about the kids' behavior?

and that can also cross a line for some people because people don't

wanna hear, " You're a bad parent", or people don't wanna hear, "You're not

watching your kid the right way" Right?

So this is a really difficult situation

I think I would, if I'm just reading this from the outside which obviously I am.

I don't know you personally or know your story personally.

You have every right to feel this way but I think if you are debating having their

kids be the only ones not invited, you have to have a talk with your brother.

I would really sit down with them and say, " Hey so these are my concerns."

our wedding is not a place where kids can be running around or we need a plan

for if the kids are acting up And if you've already made up your mind like

100% like 'I don't want the kids there I would also tell them ahead of time,

like there will be other kids. That's where I think it's the most complicated

'cause if you did a clean slate no kids at all that'd be way easier to just be

like " Hey we're not having any kids at our wedding because we decided it was know

not the right time for kids whatever."

But everyone sees their own kids differently and so if they don't see

that same kind of behavior or they're just like oh kids are being kids and

then they get to the wedding and realize they're the only family where their kids

weren't invited and they had to find a babysitter and they had to go through

all these hoops to try to figure out care for their child , they are gonna be mad.

I don't know someone that wouldn't be mad again if I went somewhere where my

daughter wasn't invited but it was like all their family honestly like if I'm

just like a friend and my daughter is not invited i'm not going to be offended

but if it was like all my nieces and nephews were invited and then my daughter

was left out id be like okay thats weird So I think you either need to have an

honest conversation with your brother and his wife ahead of time talk about your

concerns And be like this is our option

I need you to really make sure that they're sitting down and quiet or doing

like something quiet in their seat Or the other option is they can't come

And I really don't want to do that because I love them and I care about

them and I want them there The problem you can fall into when I know I'm kinda

like going around in circles but the problem you can fall into with that

Is they're gonna say yeah No Problem!

Then the day of They're doing the same things that they always do There on their

phone Their Expecting Other People To Take Care Of Them Which Sounds Like Their

Doing By Living With Your Parents Your parents Are Taking Care Of Them Don't

Listen Tooo Your Parents Not Respectful Of Home Now It Says You Also Talked

About Just Making Ceremony Child Free

' cause you don't mind kids being at the reception.

That might be your easiest bet, is just saying the ceremony's

completely child-free.

You either get a room at the venue and have a babysitter kinda watch

the kids during, that makes it easier for everybody involved.

Like okay, let's have all the kids in this playroom, let's put some

crafts in there, some things to get like that they can work on or do.

Then have them at the reception.

Then you're not stressed about the ceremony, and then

it's kind of like equal.

Maybe just have your own kids at the wedding, and then, leave it.

Like I said, I feel like where it's the hardest is says

you

say we have friends and members of the bridal party.

So I don't know if that's like two different groups, friends and members,

that are bringing their children.

Now, are they bringing their children because they were invited?

Or did they tell you, "We're bringing our children"?

So that's kind of what you have to decide.

Now again, and I know I keep going around in circles, it

is ultimately your decision.

You can do it, but I just need you to think about the future events.

If they're gonna feel like you didn't invite just their kids,

they will take it personally.

If they are the only family, it's going to be very clear.

Again, if it was, like, your boss's kids you didn't invite,

that's completely different.

But I feel like when it's your own niece and nephew, and they're the only kids

that weren't invited, and there's so many other kids there, that would sting.

So talking to them about their plan, talking to them about

maybe having some concerns.

and I would say go child-free ceremony and do something where all

the kids can do something together maybe, and then reception as normal.

And I don't know if they're gonna agree with me or disagree here, I just feel

like you can't leave out one family.

some kids have different needs.

I mean, you said, they just don't listen, and that's not great, but that's more

… Depending on the age of the kids, right?

That's more on their parents.

So that's why I feel like you need to have an honest conversation with the parents.

It sounds like either way they might be kind of offended, but I think they

would be less offended if you talk to them ahead of time and say, " Hey,

these are my concerns." There's flowers around that could break.

I don't want their voices on the video recording.

talk to them about your concerns ahead of time rather than them come

to the wedding and realize their kids were the only ones not invited.

So I hope that helps.

I know it was kind of all over the place, but I feel like

we kinda need an even group.

If you're seeing them regularly, you're close with them, You need to do something

where we communicate a little bit with them, and unfortunately it just sounds

like there's not gonna be like…

That sounds so negative.

But no one's gonna be 100% happy, and you wanna be comfortable

and happy on your day.

So I think the best you can do now is just tell them your concerns

and say, I need them to listen.

Do they get in trouble?

Like when they lash out or they don't respect your parents' home or they do

certain things, do they get in trouble?

Do you see the parents actually like discipline or say, "No,

we don't do that," or is kinda just like, whatever, their kids?

' Cause that's something I feel like you can bring to the table and

be like, "Hey this is place for like they have to be respectful.

They can't be, kicking over flowers" Or, "They can't drawing on walls.

I have deposit on this place and won't get money back." Can you say certain

things like that to really emphasize to them this is really important And I

think if you say it to them a few times they might understand it a little more.

I also think they might be like You know what maybe isn’t the place for our

kid Maybe we will go without . Maybe probably not but It very challenging

when of all the kind in family These are problems right here.”And their parents

Not paying attention o them helping them guiding them Is The Problem And it's

gotta be, like, an even playing field.

You can do what you want but at the end of the day if you choose to just pull

them out that might cause more of a rift with your brother so talk to him,

talk to his wife give some options and just be firm with your boundaries If

you ultimately decide no kids at the ceremony, no kids reception stick to it

and that's that I hope that helps And if you have any more details or context you

wanna give me let me know I know it was kind of all over the place I kinda work

through as I talk All right guys That is The Wedding Dilemma for this week As

I mentioned we are gonna highlight some of the previous episodes So stick around

for that and I will see you next time

20, 25 last year, I basically got this text message from her.

And I obviously don't delete people's phone numbers off my phone.

I know some people have different policies, but I see that and I'm

like, I have not talked to this person in now six years ish.

Like it was a long time.

Yeah.

And so I get that text message and I'm like, nothing could be good.

she is not reaching out to me because something good is going on in her life.

Mm-hmm.

she's like, can we get on a call?

I if you're too busy, no problem, blah, blah, blah.

I was like, no, we can get on a call.

I was nosy.

I wanted to know what she was like.

Like

I need to know.

Yes.

Gimme the tea.

From a purely like maybe selfish perspective, I kind of had to know because

I had to take a lot for her to get there.

I felt validated that she knew that there was a possibility that

I would still leave that door open.

that made me feel like kind of good about what I put out there.

But then at the same time, I obviously was a little guarded when she called.

And so during that phone call I find out that the marriage has been good.

they have had these two children at this point.

She has tried her very best to do anything and everything to try to

stay in the marriage because her parents were still together, her

siblings were still with their spouses.

Like she came from something where I think there was like the shame And so at that

point, the divorce had not been filed She just wanted to know what her options

were from a purely legal standpoint.

I think what troubled me the most is I'm trying to have basic conversations

with her about, okay, what are roughly the expenses of the household?

Do you know what roughly he brings in salary wise?

And the inability to answer any of those questions with any sort of

certainty was really disheartening.

how did we end up here where you don't have any control of the finances and you

don't actually know all the user's names and passwords on all of the accounts,

and you are now put in a position that it is hard to protect what you don't know.

ultimately in that situation, I told her, look, why do you think

that this is leading to divorce?

And she just said his behavior I wanna keep trying, but I

don't feel good about it.

And Ultimately he was the one who filed for divorce against her

women need to be involved in the finances or the stay-at-home parent

needs to be involved in finances just as much as the working or

the out of house, partner because.

Anything can happen, any life altering thing can happen, whether

that's divorce, death, an accident.

you never know what that is.

I even heard a story that was on the podcast where, a couple they never

legally married and the, I think his mom was living with them and he got in

a car accident or a motorcycle accident.

So he was in a coma and the mom went and said, well, they're not legally married.

She has no right to see him like blocked him out.

So there's things like that where they never thought that would happen.

So of course, as soon as he was back to himself and she was like,

we're getting married, like this is gonna be on paper, it's legal.

so there's all those things that people just don't think about.

And so I feel like this is something that people should really, you

know, look at ahead of time.

So what would you recommend someone listening, like let's say they're in a

similar situation, like your friend pre.

Maybe they are engaged right now and she plans to be a stay at home mom or,

what would you say about looking into a prenup or questions to ask yourself?

before kind of getting to that point.

It always tell everybody you need a prenup.

I don't care if you're just starting out.

I don't care if you don't have, if you feel like you don't have a lot of assets.

While at college, he met his future wife.

Oh no.

I feel like I know where this is going.

She came from a very close knit family, and they immediately saw

through my stepmother's behavior.

Mm-hmm.

My stepmother told anyone who would listen that she hated this woman.

Oh.

She's talking about the future wife.

She hated this woman and that she would never be good enough.

Ugh.

Because she knows she's not gonna get 100% of his attention anymore.

That's right.

She strongly preferred his previous girlfriend and even

stayed in touch with her for years.

again, I'm probably just jumping the gun, but it's probably because that

one bowed down to her and was like,

yes, yes, absolutely.

Really

clean.

I'm just here.

It's fine.

Ugh.

When the couple got engaged, my stepmother volunteered to host their

engagement party and she invited the ex.

boyfriend

I knew it.

I knew that's was coming.

the nerve.

How dare you.

Even more so.

Obviously we don't know yet.

The girlfriend comes, ex-girlfriend.

Why would you go to that?

I would be like, no, thank you.

any normal person would be like, no.

do you not love your son?

Like, don't you want it to be a good experience for him?

I can't.

I can't.

My heart just sank.

I just feel like all of my own insecurities came up for myself and

I would feel so small, even just knowing that my mother-in-law invited

my now husband's ex to anything.

She now made it Her party.

The stepmother made it her party and made you just like a wall, like you're

basically just like a side there because she made it so you weren't comfortable in

her home, Then the cake was brought out.

Oh no.

Oh no.

Then the cake was brought out.

It had the ex-girlfriend's name on it, not the fiancé's So she is literally

trying to sabotage their whole thing.

when you said cake, that's what I thought, but I was like, there's no way.

There's no way.

But

are you kidding?

That is wild.

I am reading it As an outsider person, but the second I knew if someone

I knew that hated me was offering to host my party immediately, no.

Immediately, no.

'cause they don't have your best interest.

They are not gonna think about you and your partner, they're gonna think about

ways to sabotage you in the wedding.

Yes.

So I would be saying no to that.

I'm not going to that party.

There's no way

And at the same time, I wanna give the bride like this.

Maybe she was kind of trying to be the bigger person and give her that benefit

of the doubt and it totally backfired.

You know what I mean?

That's horrible.

Ugh.

the person that wrote this story in, it's her stepmother.

Then it's like her son.

Okay,

so she was there.

She's like,

they're seeing it

yes.

And so I'm guessing, well, maybe that's why.

So her dad is the one that divorced now, so she's.

Single as the wedding approached, she repeatedly tried to convince

her son not to marry his fiance.

She threatened not to attend the wedding and even offered to pay

for an entirely different wedding if he would change his mind.

She pulled in anyone she could to try to persuade him otherwise.

even telling him that his grandmother was distraught hated the fiance.

someone goes low, if they wanna bring everyone down with them.

They can't stand to see people happy or the people's like

proud or on another side.

No.

The wedding eventually took place, though she was clearly upset about it.

The newly married couple left for their honeymoon in

Hawaii early the next morning.

That same day, the grandmother passed away in her sleep.

She had a history of heart problems.

My stepmother immediately began telling everyone that the grandmother died of

a broken heart because her grandson had gone through with the marriage.

Wait,

a put that on your son, right?

who is this woman?

Send me your details.

Like, I can't believe her.

That is horrible.

Like,

At first they dotted the baby, my husband and me.

But over time I started noticing that they equated money and gifts with love

and expected to control all of us.

Oh.

Once I started standing up for myself, things changed.

For example, when our daughter was four months old, they tried

to feed her chocolate cake.

I told them no.

Oh my gosh.

Here, just eat this chocolate cake.

Okay.

They went behind my back and did it anyway.

Ugh.

feeding a child something when the parents say no at any age, but especially

that age where it can be very harmful.

Yeah.

Oh my gosh.

Wild.

Wild.

They're not realizing how dangerous it could be for the baby that

young, like they're not even eating.

They're starting to eat maybe some solid foods at that point.

Right, and like,

yeah, rice cereal.

Yeah.

Terrible.

They also shamed me for breastfeeding because it made them uncomfortable.

Yeah, that's just dumb.

that's just stupid.

That's just stupid.

Like, come

on.

I'm sorry.

Why don't you leave the room then if it makes you sound, oh

yeah.

That's kind of like consider the source, You can't even be offended at

by that, because that's just so stupid.

That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.

Yeah.

Literally insisted that for the formula was good enough after many more

incidents where I refused to just bend to their will, they escalated things.

They tried to convince my husband that I was cheating on him simply because

I had male friends Who does that?

Also they never think forward, like what happens after that?

if they actually convince the husband.

So you want him to be like divorced?

Yeah.

What is that?

divorce.

It's not like she goes away.

Like they have to still manage the child together.

Yeah.

they don't think about how that's gonna actually affect

them and their relationship.

Yeah.

It makes everything much more contentious.

What?

I can't fathom this

wild, even though those men had been our mutual friends for years, they also accuse

me of relapsing and using drugs again.

I'm about to celebrate 11 years clean next month, 2025.

I got sober in 2014 so I could build a life with my husband.

Good on you.

Yay.

These accusations were made in 2018, so she was four years sober already.

And they're saying she relapsed.

Like what a wild thing to say and like so incredibly hurtful.

Yeah, so hurtful.

They even told him they had driven by my workplace and that I wasn't there.

Why is that whole life mission to like, I

dunno, it's so weird.

They do not like her.

No.

That's where you have to cut those ties.

he has to be like, I'm choosing you and forget them because that's

just after one of those things alone, I'd be like, okay, I can't.

go back toward the beginning.

they went to their house for the wedding weekend and she woke

up early and was being loud.

Yeah.

So the stepmom.

Stepmom

was extremely loud.

Woke us up early one morning talking loud in the house.

She saw me awake.

She said, wow, you're up.

And I replied calmly and smiling.

Yep.

I heard you wake up kind of just being like, oh yeah, I heard you.

And the stepmom was

okay.

So that was like a sarcastic comment.

She

was like, yeah, I think that was her being like, oh, you're talking back to me or

You're not respecting me or something.

so they even told him they driven by my workplace and that I wasn't there despite

the fact that I was absolutely there and my job required fingerprint login.

So it was easy to prove

she's got an alibi.

Yes.

Then things became truly disturbing.

They tried convincing my husband to abduct our daughter.

Okay, this is wild.

They really don't like her.

My future mother-in-law, we'll call her Diane, has been a

headache for a long time.

She's standoffish, but puts on a nice face around others.

She has never liked me.

When my fiancé Jake, told her he planned to propose, she cried and said

I was stealing him away from her."

the famous- Oh,

gag me.

Ugh.

" We took her, her to look at wedding venues one day." See, someone like

that, that I knew didn't like me, I would never bring them along.

I'd be like- Why

is she included?

Yeah.

Why is she included?

If

you don't like me, you don't get to support me or be a part of this.

Sorry.

No.

" She constantly criticized my dream venue.

At the second venue, when we jokingly did an exaggerated waltz after being

shown the dance floor, she scolded us.

After that day, we stopped including her in planning.

That was just the beginning- Okay … almost two years ago.

In all that time, she has barely asked about the wedding unless it

was about herself, her dress, her hair, her makeup, or her schedule.

Now we're three weeks out from the wedding.

She was dog sitting for us and saw the seating chart I spent hours making." Oh,

no.

Here we go.

The dreaded seating chart.

Yes.

Sh- I could just picture her, okay, moving here, like, moving these all around.

Oh, God.

" Her immediate reaction was to panic and call Jake demanding he make me redo

it because she didn't like her table."

Ugh.

"When he said no, she said horrible things, threatening not to dog sit again,

saying he should be ashamed, and that he's not the son she raised." I can,

like, picture- Mm … this woman, ugh.

Yeah.

Oh, I know exactly what she looks like, yeah.

Yeah.

" And that she would keep up appearances until the wedding, but be done with

him afterward," over a seating chart.

That's

w- Disowning your kid for where you're sitting at their

wedding is psychotic, lady.

you're lucky you're even invited.

Jesus.

She needs to be studied.

Like, this-

Well, I mean,

and I've had, like, therapists on before with similar stories,

and they're like, it's that enmeshment where they feel like- Yes

their son is, literally, like, an- a limb.

They will do as I say." An

extension of them, yes.

Mm-hmm.

Yep.

Yes.

And they can't separate- Um … that they're their own person.

No.

It's, like, scary.

after hearing that, I decided to text her.

Oh, no, girl.

Oh, no, that's not good.

Not good.

Yeah.

Not good.

I had already asked my mom and my maid of honor for advice

on how to handle it, hoping to resolve things quickly and calmly.

Here's how the conversation went.

Me: " Hi, Diane.

Jake let me know you're upset about the seating arrangements.

I'm really sorry to hear that because I put a lot of time and care into

both the layout and the chart itself.

We combined tables because Jake really values how well both families get along

and wanted to feel like one big family.

I made sure certain relatives were seated together and thought others would enjoy

sitting with people they don't see often.

Jake and I reviewed everything together before finalizing it.

I'm disappointed this has become such an issue, and I hope everyone can

still enjoy the wedding and their time together." Okay, fair enough.

That's nice.

I also

am

like- Mm-hmm … why overexplain yourself to someone like this?

Like, she's obviously not gonna-

Don't.

Someone has no boundaries will only continue to show that they have no

boundaries the more you explain.