0:03: Hello and welcome to revolutionise your love life.
0:07: Do you want to know more about love relationships, what makes them work?
0:11: How to create the one of your best dreams?
0:14: Do you want to be in a really healthy, juicy love relationship?
0:18: In these podcasts, we will give ideas and practical advice to light your way.
0:23: Whether you're looking for a love partner, already in a relationship.
0:28: You wish could be better, or leaving one that has run its course, there will be something to inspire, empower and support you.
0:36: revolutionise your Love Life is a fortnightly podcast where you will access the knowledge and wisdom of love experts and relationship coaches from across the world to help you find true fulfilment in love.
0:50: I am your host, Heather Garbutt.
0:53: Welcome.
0:57: This is number 4 in our series on conscious intentional divorce, and this time it's about the pragmatic and released characteristics that come to the fore.
1:09: Collette, can you tell me what you mean by pragmatic and released?
1:13: So I'll start with the pragmatic, because that's often where clients start, when they're just trying to recover or keep things together for their sake or indeed the sake of any children or friends and family members who may be impacted.
1:27: And so they're very much bish bash bosh, want this done like yesterday.
1:31: It's such a nuisance.
1:33: So I have to go through this process.
1:34: It's an admin nuisance.
1:37: let me through it.
1:37: Let me out.
1:38: What do I need to do to get there?
1:41: and often that speed, that almost urgency can lead to some unfortunate decisions, but it can also lead to some great decisions because they feel empowered.
1:50: They're ready to go, they're ready and raring.
1:53: they can sometimes put their emotions to one side, which has its benefits.
1:58: but what they mustn't do is then suppress those emotions, never actually deal with them sensibly, because they can come up again in future in all sorts of awful ways.
2:07: And so they do need to deal with both, but trying to get a pragmatist to deal with the emotions.
2:12: They frankly haven't got time or inclination as to taking them on a journey with your help and getting them there.
2:19: is so important for the pragmatists in particular.
2:22: Absolutely, yeah, because otherwise they can rush through and they can get a less favourable settlement, but also they can have, and we hope for post-traumatic growth rather than post traumatic stress.
2:33: And it can come out in PTSD if you actually, suppress everything, bottling it up.
2:40: Yeah, absolutely.
2:41: Yeah, yeah, completely agree.
2:43: And that also colours the relationship that you have with your ex going forwards.
2:49: If you've done the bish bash bosh, they may feel bish bash boshed.
2:54: And open to you.
2:56: Yeah, yeah, we do often say to clients at the start that we want them to be able to, as long as it's safe to be able to be in the same room as their ex, particularly there's children involved or mutual friends.
3:08: you don't want to split a friendship group into.
3:11: Or worse.
3:12: and you certainly don't want children to feel like mommy and daddy are at war.
3:15: It's so important to keep them away from that.
3:18: And so if it's safe for them to be in the same room, that's where we'd like them to get to.
3:21: But like you said, if somebody's feeling a bit battered by their ex because they were the pragmatist, while the ex perhaps was feeling more emotional.
3:28: Just frankly didn't have the time while with everything else they were trying to juggle.
3:31: it, it's not really good foundations for for co-parenting or being friends in future, or at least civil.
3:38: No, recipe for disaster actually.
3:40: The other thing that we we probably we're moving into released now is how people grow through divorce.
3:47: You know, that post-traumatic growth is amazing.
3:50: People suddenly wake up to who they really are, not the, the half self they've lived in a marriage that no longer fit them.
3:58: Yeah, yeah.
3:58: And that that can happen before or after the separation.
4:01: Sometimes it's the reason for the separation that they had this thing they wanted to achieve and it's been Put down for for many years.
4:08: Other times it's, well, I've got to now.
4:10: My, my role, my life has changed my day to day.
4:14: So I'm going to have to do something.
4:16: And for some people that is pulling up their their bootstraps and and making something absolutely brilliant.
4:22: I did have a client once.
4:23: I don't know whether she got it from.
4:25: A greeting card, a friend or an Instagram reel, but she once said to me that the best revenge, and it for her it was revenge, but the best revenge is to go out there and absolutely boss it.
4:36: and, and knowing her, having worked with her over a course of unfortunately several years, and knowing so where she started.
4:44: Which was not the pragmatist at all, but becoming that person simply out of necessity.
4:50: I knew that was a really empowered place for her to be.
4:53: It wasn't intended to lash out.
4:55: it wasn't to get back at him necessarily by revenge.
4:58: It was, I'm going to show you, and I'm going to be absolutely sensational.
5:02: Watch me shine.
5:04: and it was, it was so brilliant.
5:06: For her.
5:07: And I know that through, through our connection with the Athena network, we meet so many businesswomen who set up later in life, often after a divorce, and they're they're absolutely crushing it.
5:18: And some of them do, do acknowledge that they would never have been able to do that had they not spread their wings and flown.
5:24: It's absolutely wonderful to watch.
5:26: It really is.
5:27: It's an absolute delight.
5:29: And just as an aside, you and I wouldn't have met if we hadn't joined Athena.
5:32: No, exactly.
5:34: Yeah, it's just really.
5:35: Really lovely.
5:36: And I, I like it, you know, we're part of a national network of women who are thriving, pre or post divorce.
5:42: It's absolutely wonderful and mutually supportive and growthful.
5:46: It's great.
5:47: Yeah.
5:47: Whole other realm.
5:48: Absolutely.
5:49: Yeah.
5:49: And it's the post-stress growth that you were just talking about that we, we are there to support each other, whether you're not yet divorced, never planned to be divorced, or you are divorced.
5:57: But a lot of the women are at that point where they have been, they've been through it.
6:02: They say they'd love to have known us.
6:04: At the time, but we've only just met them.
6:07: And, you know, that we are watching them absolutely nail it.
6:09: And it's such a blessing.
6:10: It's a privilege really, and to watch them at that stage of their life and to support them with it and enjoy it.
6:17: Yeah, actually, I can say for myself that when I got divorced, it was a whole different realm for me.
6:24: I started a business in Swindon, and that lasted for 10 years, which I really loved.
6:31: It's providing therapy rooms, high quality therapy rooms to counsellors and psychotherapists there was really, really lovely.
6:39: I would never have done that before.
6:41: That's amazing.
6:41: Yeah, that's really inspirational.
6:43: So was it a bootstrap moment?
6:45: Was it, I've got, I've got to do this, or, you know, was it?
6:48: It was one of those dawning moments with my friend Christine Fishlock.
6:53: And she said, I've got a proposition for you, as she was leaving a voicemail for me.
6:58: At the moment that I was leaving a text for her saying, I've got a proposition for you.
7:03: Cross propositions.
7:04: I love it.
7:07: Stars aligned and there you go.
7:08: Yeah, and we did it together and it was really successful.
7:11: It was lovely.
7:12: And you've been out there nailing it ever since.
7:14: Yeah.
7:15: Different things now, obviously.
7:16: Well, yes, yes, there's different forms of nailing it and you, you have been.
7:20: I love that.
7:21: Love that.
7:22: So how can people find you?
7:23: And they can find me online if that's what they're more comfortable with.
7:26: So that's on Instagram at Colette.family Lawyer and Colette with one L, two T's, alternatively LinkedIn if they're sort of more comfortable with that platform, Colette Bain, again, one L, two T's, consistent throughout, spell my own name, right.
7:40: That's always a good start.
7:42: and then alternatively, if they're more comfortable, perhaps with a WhatsApp message or a phone call, particularly phone calls if they're not necessarily comfortable having something in writing if if a child.
7:52: Or or X might pick up their phone and and have a quick look, then they're more than welcome to call me on 07384460636.
8:02: It's lovely.
8:02: Thank you.
8:03: Thank you.
8:04: You can find me.
8:05: I'm Heather Garbert, love and relationship coach, and I'm at Heather at Heathergarbert.com on my email or there's a booking link on my website.
8:15: My phone number is 07808776150.
8:21: Thank you very much.
8:23: Thank you so much for listening to this episode of revolutionise your Love Life.
8:29: I'd like to know what has been your biggest takeaway from this conversation.
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9:02: Thank you so much again for listening, and we'll meet again on the next episode of revolutionise Your Love Life.