<v Speaker 1>You mean to tell me that you actually feel fulfilled
<v Speaker 1>in the fact that you do nothing, he just loads
<v Speaker 1>up your card $ 20, 000 a month and, you know, that's
<v Speaker 1>really it. Trust me, to people that are doing something
<v Speaker 1>with themselves and still also live a very good lifestyle
<v Speaker 1>at the same time, they're looking at you crazy.
<v Speaker 2>Hey, babe. It's Aisha Christina. Nice to meet you. This
<v Speaker 2>is quality queen control. What? is happening. Hello, angels.
<v Speaker 1>How is everyone feeling on today? I'm feeling amazing and
<v Speaker 1>I'm feeling quite feisty. So you already know we have
<v Speaker 1>a lot to talk about. Firstly, a little debrief here.
<v Speaker 1>I had so much fun during New York Fashion Week.
<v Speaker 1>It was Truly, it was like what my friend Sylvia said.
<v Speaker 1>It was like bus, club, another club. Except without the clubs, okay?
<v Speaker 1>Like it was just back to back. And even this
<v Speaker 1>coming week as I'm filming this, I have like two
<v Speaker 1>to three events a day. Girl, I thought New York
<v Speaker 1>Fashion Week was literally one week. Like it is just nonstop.
<v Speaker 1>So the good news is my schedule does begin to
<v Speaker 1>slow down towards the end of the month. But I'm
<v Speaker 1>just feeling... very determined and disciplined right now, which I love,
<v Speaker 1>and I love that for myself. So today's topic, I
<v Speaker 1>wanna expound upon what we talked about last week or
<v Speaker 1>even a couple weeks ago when we were talking about
<v Speaker 1>what the soft life actually is. And I wanted to
<v Speaker 1>just take this little caveat to just explain even more
<v Speaker 1>what I mean by that, because sometimes women think that
<v Speaker 1>the ultimate soft life is being able to say, Like
<v Speaker 1>I said, I don't have to do anything.
<v Speaker 2>My man handles everything.
<v Speaker 1>And while being loved and supported and provided for can
<v Speaker 1>be absolutely beautiful, and it is beautiful, okay? I don't
<v Speaker 1>believe that dependence without options is the soft life. Because
<v Speaker 1>if you cannot afford to disagree... or learn, or evolve,
<v Speaker 1>or even recognize yourself outside of your relationship, that's not softness,
<v Speaker 1>all right? That is just simply vulnerability without protection. That's
<v Speaker 1>what that is. Options, as we have discussed before, they
<v Speaker 1>allow you to choose love, not tolerate love or dysfunction.
<v Speaker 1>So when you have no emotional or financial or practical alternatives,
<v Speaker 1>you're going to stay, right? You're more likely to stay
<v Speaker 1>because you feel trapped rather than because you're you're saying
<v Speaker 1>because you're evaluating that the relationship actually is healthy. And
<v Speaker 1>I want to make this strong distinction here. There is
<v Speaker 1>a difference between choosing a man and needing him for survival.
<v Speaker 1>And we need to open up the floor and really
<v Speaker 1>talk about those things. I see a lot of discourse
<v Speaker 1>on the internet where a lot of people are in
<v Speaker 1>my opinion, sounds like it's good what they're saying. Okay,
<v Speaker 1>date a man that's a provider, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
<v Speaker 1>But what they're negating is some of the lifestyles that
<v Speaker 1>come with that pendulum swing of, if he has money,
<v Speaker 1>get with him. And if he cheats, cheat back. And
<v Speaker 1>who cares what, like, sounds great to a broken person.
<v Speaker 1>But if you're talking about having balance, which I believe
<v Speaker 1>I'm the balance side here on the internet, never ever
<v Speaker 1>did I denounce finding a man that's a provider. I've
<v Speaker 1>never done that, never will do that. But I also
<v Speaker 1>do not believe in being so dependent on someone where
<v Speaker 1>you're tolerating disrespect, that you are doing this all in
<v Speaker 1>the name and the facade of having the life that
<v Speaker 1>looks like you have the life that you want, but
<v Speaker 1>really behind closed doors, you're not really happy. I truly
<v Speaker 1>believe in my heart of hearts that you can live
<v Speaker 1>a life where you're actually happy, where you actually do
<v Speaker 1>want to be with the man that you're with. You
<v Speaker 1>guys do respect each other. He does respect your opinions.
<v Speaker 1>It doesn't matter whether or not he makes more money
<v Speaker 1>than you or what have you, but I do not
<v Speaker 1>believe in getting there by any means necessary and then
<v Speaker 1>just making the best out.
<v Speaker 2>Of the situation.
<v Speaker 1>That is just no way to actually live, right? So
<v Speaker 1>when you have a lack of options, it can make
<v Speaker 1>the bare minimum behavior feel like it's security. When you
<v Speaker 1>actually step back and you sit there and assess Some
<v Speaker 1>of the people that some of you have dated, or
<v Speaker 1>even myself included, in the past, when you think about that,
<v Speaker 1>think about where you were in your life at that time.
<v Speaker 1>Think about what was going through your mind. Think about
<v Speaker 1>what you were going through when you attracted certain individuals.
<v Speaker 1>Think about what you were going through when you attracted
<v Speaker 1>your toxic dynamic, your most toxic situation. Think about where
<v Speaker 1>you were in life. how you were thinking, what you
<v Speaker 1>believed about yourself. And that should bring a lot of
<v Speaker 1>clarity to you. So yes, you can look at, well,
<v Speaker 1>you know what? At least I don't have to work anymore.
<v Speaker 1>And do you really want to think like that? At
<v Speaker 1>least I don't have to, you know, do this. At
<v Speaker 1>least I don't have to pay for my car note.
<v Speaker 2>At least I don't. Okay, great. You're right. Yeah. At
<v Speaker 2>least you don't.
<v Speaker 1>But at the very least, you also don't have respect.
<v Speaker 1>At the very least, you're like trapped in your mansion
<v Speaker 1>pretty much. I don't know about you, but I'm not
<v Speaker 1>really living like that.
<v Speaker 2>And I'm not going to lie.
<v Speaker 1>Maybe I also think like this because I grew up
<v Speaker 1>as a girly in the suburbs. So maybe that's just
<v Speaker 1>me exercising my privilege. But I think that's the beautiful
<v Speaker 1>thing too, is that I don't have to think like that.
<v Speaker 2>And I'm here to share and.
<v Speaker 1>Bring about a new perspective to all of you that
<v Speaker 1>you don't have to do that either. Because like I said,
<v Speaker 1>a woman that has.
<v Speaker 2>Options, okay?
<v Speaker 1>A woman, for those that constantly say that I mix
<v Speaker 1>up woman and woman, all right?
<v Speaker 2>I'm sorry for my.
<v Speaker 1>Pronunciation, that it is offending some people because I do
<v Speaker 1>get the messages. I'm saying a woman with a A, okay?
<v Speaker 1>That's for you that keeps DMing me. A woman with
<v Speaker 1>options can evaluate the relationship honestly because fear is not
<v Speaker 1>the deciding factor. It's not making the decision for her,
<v Speaker 1>all right? And the thing is, you should never have
<v Speaker 1>to even negotiate against your own well-being because leaving feels impossible.
<v Speaker 1>And hello, it happens a lot more than we'd like
<v Speaker 1>to admit. even from some of the people that you
<v Speaker 1>guys take advice.
<v Speaker 2>From on the internet. It's absolutely true. Hello?
<v Speaker 1>Genuine commitment is more meaningful when both people are free
<v Speaker 1>to leave, but they continue to choose each other, okay?
<v Speaker 1>Because a relationship is always going to be safer when
<v Speaker 1>your yes comes from love, not from the fear of
<v Speaker 1>what happened if you are going to say no.
<v Speaker 2>That's no way to live. And there are people on
<v Speaker 2>the internet that are trying to.
<v Speaker 1>Convince you that whatever, you know, basically it's like pretty packaged,
<v Speaker 1>put up and shut up because at least you get
<v Speaker 1>to do this and at least you get to live
<v Speaker 1>like that. I don't want to switch places with any
<v Speaker 1>of those people.
<v Speaker 2>I don't. I don't. And I do believe I can
<v Speaker 2>have it all. Are you kidding me? Look at me. Stop.
<v Speaker 1>And look at some of you, right? Let's actually assess
<v Speaker 1>yourself and say, okay, you know, you're attractive.
<v Speaker 2>You're smart. You're intelligent. You know, you take care of
<v Speaker 2>yourself well. All the things.
<v Speaker 1>You carry yourself well. You do have options. Beauty is
<v Speaker 1>currency for woman. I don't wanna hear it, it is.
<v Speaker 1>Aside from that, you have to really ask yourself, are
<v Speaker 1>you just choosing this guy or do you feel like
<v Speaker 1>you're unable to leave? Okay, is this the best option
<v Speaker 1>that you have? Because okay, well this is a huge relief.
<v Speaker 1>We get ourselves into trouble when we are constantly looking
<v Speaker 1>for relief. Remember what I asked you earlier on in
<v Speaker 1>the episode. Who were you when you have attracted your
<v Speaker 1>most toxic dynamic? What were you thinking? What did you
<v Speaker 1>believe about yourself? Those things trickle down into what we accept, right?
<v Speaker 1>We accept the love we think we deserve. So if
<v Speaker 1>you're constantly making justifications for yourself thinking.
<v Speaker 2>Well, you know what? I mean, yeah, he doesn't treat
<v Speaker 2>me the best.
<v Speaker 1>Yes, I'm so bored in this relationship, but like, at
<v Speaker 1>least I live in a really, really nice house, blah, blah, blah.
<v Speaker 1>One of the girls from Real Housewives of Rhode Island,
<v Speaker 1>I think it was like the young one. I don't
<v Speaker 1>remember what her name was. One of the younger girls
<v Speaker 1>on there, she was dating what? A very prominent lawyer,
<v Speaker 1>extremely wealthy. He basically had her living in his gigantic house,
<v Speaker 1>pretty much alone most of the time. And he was very,
<v Speaker 1>very upfront with her and told her, I'm going to
<v Speaker 1>have multiple girlfriends in this dynamic. And I think due
<v Speaker 1>to her age at the time, She was like, okay,
<v Speaker 1>because why? You're getting this amazing lifestyle. You don't have
<v Speaker 1>to pay a bill. You don't have to lift a finger.
<v Speaker 1>And it seems very attractive until you hit 30, until
<v Speaker 1>you hit 25, where that frontal lobe starts to develop.
<v Speaker 2>And all of a sudden those decisions.
<v Speaker 1>You made at 19, okay, they start to shift and
<v Speaker 1>they change, okay?
<v Speaker 2>That's what it is at the end of the day.
<v Speaker 2>Your perspective will change.
<v Speaker 1>And a lot of the times throughout different, phases in
<v Speaker 1>our lives, our priorities.
<v Speaker 2>They begin to shift. They begin to evolve. You understand?
<v Speaker 1>So with that being said, her identity began to shift
<v Speaker 1>and evolve where she was like, okay, yeah, I've been
<v Speaker 1>in this relationship for all of my twenties.
<v Speaker 2>I am now 30 years old and now it's hitting me.
<v Speaker 1>The same information that I was okay with at 19
<v Speaker 1>and 20 years old, I'm actually not okay with at
<v Speaker 1>all at 30. And so I got to make a
<v Speaker 1>decision here. But I don't know what to do because
<v Speaker 1>I'm so unequipped. And that's why I'm grateful that someone
<v Speaker 1>like her has the show to kind of build her
<v Speaker 1>own brand and to create income for herself. She's also
<v Speaker 1>a makeup artist, I believe. So she does have an
<v Speaker 1>actual talent that actually employs her.
<v Speaker 2>But I just, I don't know.
<v Speaker 1>I kind of felt for her in that moment because
<v Speaker 1>it's like, wow, this is such a scary thing where
<v Speaker 1>you're having to find a place by yourself, figure out
<v Speaker 1>how to do that. And I know for some women,
<v Speaker 1>it's like, duh, duh, duh. But when you grew up
<v Speaker 1>in a certain way, and then you have to completely
<v Speaker 1>shift and do all of that for yourself, it can
<v Speaker 1>be very intimidating and overwhelming because you don't know where
<v Speaker 1>to start, right? Because you simply have not had to
<v Speaker 1>be concerned about it. And I think I'm glad that
<v Speaker 1>it happened for her earlier than later, unlike Lisa from
<v Speaker 1>Real Housewives of Miami, where, and I'm not saying this
<v Speaker 1>as a throw off or shade that like, I'm trying
<v Speaker 1>to accuse anyone of being like, stupid or anything like that.
<v Speaker 1>That is not at all what I'm getting at. But
<v Speaker 1>for Lisa, she was married to this guy. So two
<v Speaker 1>different examples I'm giving here. One girl was the girlfriend
<v Speaker 1>from Real Housewives of Rhode Island. One girl was the wife,
<v Speaker 1>which was in Lisa's case. And those are two great
<v Speaker 1>examples to bring up because it just highlights what I'm
<v Speaker 1>trying to drill into you guys' heads that you cannot...
<v Speaker 1>solely rely on anyone, man or woman. You cannot let
<v Speaker 1>your source of everything come from one person. And that's
<v Speaker 1>not even talking finances. That's happiness, okay? that is spirituality,
<v Speaker 1>that is safety. You cannot rely on one person to
<v Speaker 1>do that, all right? At the end of the day,
<v Speaker 1>your identity is gonna protect you from disappearing in a relationship.
<v Speaker 1>And a relationship should always be adding to your life, right?
<v Speaker 1>It shouldn't consume your entire definition of who you are.
<v Speaker 1>You were a whole person before you became someone's girlfriend
<v Speaker 1>or even their wife. So your interests, your friendships, your purpose,
<v Speaker 1>your faith, your personality still requires nurturing, all right? There's
<v Speaker 1>nothing more annoying and frustrating where you have a friend
<v Speaker 1>that as soon as they get into a relationship, they
<v Speaker 1>just get lost in the relationship.
<v Speaker 2>It becomes their entire personality. Oh, I can't. My boyfriend. Oh,
<v Speaker 2>I can't. My husband.
<v Speaker 1>Oh, I can't.
<v Speaker 2>Like, it's like, girl, where is your life?
<v Speaker 1>Constantly adapting to keep a partner can make you emotionally
<v Speaker 1>abandon yourself 100%, right?
<v Speaker 2>So if your confidence....
<v Speaker 1>Is going to depend entirely on how your partner treats
<v Speaker 1>you that day, that hour, that minute. Well, now your
<v Speaker 1>identity has to become externally controlled. I was friends with
<v Speaker 1>this girl once and it's like her entire, two people
<v Speaker 1>I have examples of, her entire day was like our
<v Speaker 1>friendship felt like it was predicated on how her experience
<v Speaker 1>was with whoever she was having a conversation with at
<v Speaker 1>that time. Like she would be so distant and like,
<v Speaker 1>you know, very moody and snappy because she didn't like
<v Speaker 1>how her conversation was going with the guy that she
<v Speaker 1>was talking to. I had another person that I knew
<v Speaker 1>before and they would always, every time he would go out,
<v Speaker 1>she'd be like, oh, I'm tired. Girl, you know good
<v Speaker 1>and well you're not tired. You just want to go
<v Speaker 1>home because you want to be up under that man
<v Speaker 1>because while you're there, you feel like, okay, at least
<v Speaker 1>I know exactly what he's doing. That's no way to live.
<v Speaker 1>Are you kidding me? That's no way to live. You're
<v Speaker 1>going to have your emotions dictated and your day dictated
<v Speaker 1>on you know, dang, I got to rush home.
<v Speaker 2>I got to rush home. I got to pretend to
<v Speaker 2>be tired so I can just go. You're not tired.
<v Speaker 2>Next question.
<v Speaker 1>At the end of the day, healthy love is going
<v Speaker 1>to create room for two complete people, right? Not one
<v Speaker 1>person and having somebody revolve around them. No healthy man
<v Speaker 1>even wants your entire life to revolve around them, right?
<v Speaker 1>Loving somebody deeply should not require you to become unrecognizable
<v Speaker 1>to yourself.
<v Speaker 2>All right?
<v Speaker 1>So There are absolutely signs that you've made your relationship
<v Speaker 1>your entire identity, all right? And let's expound on this
<v Speaker 1>one right here, okay? Financial options create emotional honesty.
<v Speaker 2>I'm gonna say that again.
<v Speaker 1>Financial options create emotional honesty. You guys already know what
<v Speaker 1>that means. But this doesn't mean every relationship I'm saying
<v Speaker 1>should be 50-50. Never was I ever saying that. Or
<v Speaker 1>that a woman cannot date or desire to be with.
<v Speaker 2>Someone that is a provider.
<v Speaker 1>No, it means that as women, we should have access
<v Speaker 1>and awareness and a safety net.
<v Speaker 2>And you do not have that.
<v Speaker 1>And unfortunately, the truth of the matter is, if you're
<v Speaker 1>a smart woman, You understand that even in the event
<v Speaker 1>of marriage, you still should have something going for yourself.
<v Speaker 1>I don't know why people hear this on the internet
<v Speaker 1>and their brain just clicks to, you gotta make a
<v Speaker 1>million dollars, you gotta be bringing in 100K a month
<v Speaker 1>or something like that. No, but you have to have
<v Speaker 1>some sort of cushion. Never let go of your purpose
<v Speaker 1>and your passion and your desires and having some sort
<v Speaker 1>of income for yourself. Because I'm telling you, you don't
<v Speaker 1>want to live a life where at 40 years old,
<v Speaker 1>your man still has to load up your card because
<v Speaker 1>in the name of allowance.
<v Speaker 2>Allowance sounds cute, right? When you're in your 20s and
<v Speaker 2>it's like, yeah, he just gives me an allowance. I
<v Speaker 2>love that.
<v Speaker 1>And then when you're 40, that no longer sounds appealing.
<v Speaker 1>It sounds like you're... you've lost in life. It's like, okay, girl,
<v Speaker 1>you have an allowance. All right, that's good for you. Like,
<v Speaker 1>we're happy about that. We're not bitter about that. Who
<v Speaker 1>would be bitter about that? But you mean to tell
<v Speaker 1>me that you actually feel fulfilled in the fact that
<v Speaker 1>you do nothing. He just loads up your card $ 20, 000
<v Speaker 1>a month. And you know, that's really it. Trust me,
<v Speaker 1>to people that are doing something with themselves and still
<v Speaker 1>also live a very good lifestyle at the same time,
<v Speaker 1>they're looking at you crazy. Because at 40, it's like, well,
<v Speaker 1>what are you doing, okay? Do you have children that
<v Speaker 1>you're providing for, which is a full-time job? Being a
<v Speaker 1>mother is a very selfless job. But if you're just
<v Speaker 1>aimless and you're out here and you're in your late
<v Speaker 1>30s and all the different things and you still can't
<v Speaker 1>afford to buy a cup of coffee on your own
<v Speaker 1>that doesn't come from your allowance balance, Babe, you can't
<v Speaker 1>genuinely sit here and tell me that that sounds appealing
<v Speaker 1>to you. There's just no way you're gonna convince me
<v Speaker 1>of that. So it is difficult, right, to speak honestly
<v Speaker 1>when somebody is controlling your entire quality of life.
<v Speaker 2>Your entire quality of life. How can you be honest?
<v Speaker 1>Out of all the things that we've even discussed in this,
<v Speaker 1>I want this to be one of the main points
<v Speaker 1>that you remember. is that if you do not have
<v Speaker 1>that financial independence, you can only be but so honest.
<v Speaker 1>It will always be difficult for you to speak your
<v Speaker 1>mind and be truthful when somebody is in control of
<v Speaker 1>your life and the quality of your life. Because financial
<v Speaker 1>dependence can turn normal disagreements into threats to your security.
<v Speaker 1>I'm telling you, no one thinks their man is gonna
<v Speaker 1>do it until, even with what is left unsaid, it
<v Speaker 1>is the natural feeling of the rug being ripped under
<v Speaker 1>you where you feel like, man, I feel like he's
<v Speaker 1>kind of being condescending because he knows that he pays
<v Speaker 1>for absolutely everything. and he knows that I genuinely can't.
<v Speaker 1>It's not only that he knows that he actually does
<v Speaker 1>pay for everything, it's the fact that he knows you can't.
<v Speaker 1>That is where things get tricky, because he knows you can't,
<v Speaker 1>as opposed to, well, yes, I pay for absolutely everything,
<v Speaker 1>but also she can definitely fend for herself too. Doesn't
<v Speaker 1>mean you have to provide yourself the exact same lifestyle,
<v Speaker 1>But you're good on your own as well. You're not
<v Speaker 1>just left out on the street because he decided he
<v Speaker 1>didn't want to be with you anymore.
<v Speaker 2>You're picking up what I'm laying down. So normal disagreements.
<v Speaker 1>Can catastrophize into threats to your security, right? Where you're
<v Speaker 1>feeling it creates this power imbalance. You're feeling, you know,
<v Speaker 1>very put down. You're feeling let down. You're feeling very dependent.
<v Speaker 1>You're feeling lonely. You're feeling isolated. You feel like your
<v Speaker 1>world revolves around him all of a sudden, right? And
<v Speaker 1>then he's feeling like you're bothering him. What are you
<v Speaker 1>really doing with your life anyway? I pay for everything.
<v Speaker 1>Why can't you just kind of put up and shut up?
<v Speaker 1>So it just creates... an environment that is unhealthy. A
<v Speaker 1>provider should want his partner to be protected, informed, and capable,
<v Speaker 1>not powerless. You know, I was speaking to a guy once,
<v Speaker 1>and I do agree partially with what he said, but
<v Speaker 1>I don't necessarily agree in totality with his mindset. He
<v Speaker 1>was saying that, yes, he would want someone to, he
<v Speaker 1>would pay the rent, right? He would pay all of
<v Speaker 1>the rent. But he said he would expect his girlfriend
<v Speaker 1>to contribute in other ways, like groceries or whatever the
<v Speaker 1>case is, because it makes her less dependent on him. Now,
<v Speaker 1>I'm not absolving him of anything because I believe in
<v Speaker 1>that particular context, he wants to be absolved of any
<v Speaker 1>and all responsibility because.
<v Speaker 2>He is just an.
<v Speaker 1>Eternal bachelor and he probably will forever remain single for
<v Speaker 1>the rest of his life. But what I did kind
<v Speaker 1>of grab there that if I may was positive is
<v Speaker 1>that mindset of in a healthy man, because I don't
<v Speaker 1>believe he is one. In a healthy man, I can
<v Speaker 1>see how a healthy man would want their partner to
<v Speaker 1>be capable and informed and not powerless. I can see
<v Speaker 1>how a healthy man would want to teach you or
<v Speaker 1>want to help you evolve into learning that you can
<v Speaker 1>do other things for yourself, but not make it a
<v Speaker 1>requirement of because I pay the rent, you need to
<v Speaker 1>pay the groceries because I need to teach you responsibility.
<v Speaker 2>That's not what I'm talking about.
<v Speaker 1>But it's this mutual understanding and partnership of, you know what, like, babe,
<v Speaker 1>like you may not know this and I am well
<v Speaker 1>versed in this, you know, subject or category or what
<v Speaker 1>have you. So this is how you do this and
<v Speaker 1>kind of educate them instead of trying to Lord over them.
<v Speaker 1>But this is what I'm talking about with the power imbalance.
<v Speaker 1>When you are in, you're so unequally yoked with someone
<v Speaker 1>in a sense, where it almost creates this child-parent dynamic.
<v Speaker 1>And this is why I am all for a cute
<v Speaker 1>little age gap, right?
<v Speaker 2>I truly am.
<v Speaker 1>But when your person, a lot of the times, comes
<v Speaker 1>from a different generation than you, you have to consider
<v Speaker 1>what that generation values.
<v Speaker 2>And sometimes... You being.
<v Speaker 1>An old soul and them being a young soul, it
<v Speaker 1>can work out. But when you think about what that
<v Speaker 1>generation prioritizes versus what your generation prioritizes, I think it'll
<v Speaker 1>give a lot of clarity as to what those baseline
<v Speaker 1>and foundational issues sometimes can tend to be. Because the
<v Speaker 1>way you were raised and your environment and what your
<v Speaker 1>generation placed emphasis on is what forms a lot of
<v Speaker 1>your identity and your perspective on life.
<v Speaker 2>I know that I have a point here.
<v Speaker 1>I hope you guys are picking up what I'm laying
<v Speaker 1>down because this is why after a certain age, I'm like,
<v Speaker 1>all right, come on. This absolutely cannot work because... One,
<v Speaker 1>you have a kid with certain men. It's like by
<v Speaker 1>the time your kid's 20, the man's going to be
<v Speaker 1>70 years old. The man's going to be in his
<v Speaker 1>80s while your kid is barely touching 30. If that's
<v Speaker 1>something you prioritize, you're not going to go in that direction, right?
<v Speaker 1>Especially if you're leaning towards having children and genuinely building
<v Speaker 1>a family. I'm not saying some connections do not work
<v Speaker 1>because they absolutely do. But you have to think about what,
<v Speaker 1>like the discord and things, situations that you would have
<v Speaker 1>with the person. Think about what that person's generation is
<v Speaker 1>built upon, them having to, you know, believe and what
<v Speaker 1>they stand for. I'm telling you, it'll help you a lot, okay?
<v Speaker 1>So having your own money also does not mean that
<v Speaker 1>you are refusing a man's generosity.
<v Speaker 2>I'm not saying that either. Because women can have.
<v Speaker 1>You know, the support, receive the support while maintaining your
<v Speaker 1>own savings, having your own skills, having your own credit
<v Speaker 1>and also financial literacy. He pays for everything should never
<v Speaker 1>mean I have no idea what we have, what we do,
<v Speaker 1>where it is, what I would do without him. That's
<v Speaker 1>not what it is. We don't want a Teresa Gidice,
<v Speaker 1>the situation where you end up paying for the fact
<v Speaker 1>that your husband was a fraud.
<v Speaker 2>Yeah.
<v Speaker 1>You don't want to have to make those jail calls
<v Speaker 1>and put money on his books because you had all
<v Speaker 1>this money and you had no idea how it even happened.
<v Speaker 2>What in the term Girardi is happening? Okay. So you
<v Speaker 2>don't want that to actually be you. You have to
<v Speaker 2>be informed, ladies. It doesn't matter.
<v Speaker 1>Even if he's paying for everything, you need to know
<v Speaker 1>the insides and outs of what's going on. And the
<v Speaker 1>right partner for yourself and a man that is living
<v Speaker 1>with dignity and integrity, right? Sounds like foreign words these days.
<v Speaker 1>They're not gonna have a problem with you learning about that, okay?
<v Speaker 1>Provision that requires powerlessness is never protection, okay? Provision that
<v Speaker 1>requires powerlessness is, is not protection, and you have to
<v Speaker 1>be able to distinguish the two. But if you're coming
<v Speaker 1>from a place of desperation and you're trying to be saved,
<v Speaker 1>having that I need to be saved complex, I'm telling
<v Speaker 1>you this as someone that is in their 30s, trust me,
<v Speaker 1>that is not the life you want for the rest
<v Speaker 1>of your life. Wanting a provider does not mean wanting
<v Speaker 1>to be financially helpless. Purpose keeps love from carrying a
<v Speaker 1>weight it was never designed to carry. Your partner cannot
<v Speaker 1>be your only source of meaning, fulfillment, of confidence, of community,
<v Speaker 1>of excitement. You know, when the relationship becomes your entire life,
<v Speaker 1>every change in it feels like it's catastrophic for you, right?
<v Speaker 1>Because purpose can be a career. It could be a business.
<v Speaker 1>It could be a ministry. Like I've said, it could
<v Speaker 1>be a creative calling. It can be education, right? you know,
<v Speaker 1>family mission or just meaningful service, period. Having purpose does
<v Speaker 1>not mean you must overwork or live in survival mode
<v Speaker 1>at all because a healthy partner shouldn't be threatened by
<v Speaker 1>you having something meaningful that belongs to you.
<v Speaker 2>They nurture that. They support that. And as woman with
<v Speaker 2>an E, yeah.
<v Speaker 1>We need something that's gonna remind us of who we
<v Speaker 1>are beyond being desired. And having that passion is gonna
<v Speaker 1>give you a healthier place to invest your gifts instead
<v Speaker 1>of obsessively monitoring the relationship because what else do you
<v Speaker 1>have to do?
<v Speaker 2>What else is going on, right?
<v Speaker 1>So a man can be part of your happiness, but
<v Speaker 1>he should not be responsible for manufacturing your entire sense
<v Speaker 1>of purpose. Your relationship cannot be your only source of fulfillment.
<v Speaker 1>Real softness requires safety and safety requires choice.
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, right?
<v Speaker 1>True softness is the ability to rest because you are supported,
<v Speaker 1>not because you have surrendered all of your agency. And
<v Speaker 1>also softness is not ignorance. It's not avoidance or giving
<v Speaker 1>someone unquestioned control.
<v Speaker 2>Over your life.
<v Speaker 1>No, having options helps you set the boundaries without fearing
<v Speaker 1>that your honesty is going to ruin your life or
<v Speaker 1>ruin your relationship. You can relax more deeply when you
<v Speaker 1>know that you're capable of handling you know, your circumstances
<v Speaker 1>if the circumstances change. And emotional softness is even easier
<v Speaker 1>when you get to trust your own judgment. Independence is
<v Speaker 1>healthier than forced dependence.
<v Speaker 2>I'm going to say that again.
<v Speaker 1>Independence is healthier than forced dependence. And a lot of
<v Speaker 1>you don't look at it as force, but it is.
<v Speaker 1>You're forcing yourself on your own will. You lean on
<v Speaker 1>each other while remaining capable people. That is what's healthy.
<v Speaker 1>Because the goal is not to live with one foot
<v Speaker 1>out the door. The goal is to know that the door.
<v Speaker 2>Is not locked.
<v Speaker 1>Yeah. Okay. So the soft life is not having somewhere
<v Speaker 1>else to go. It is having options and still choosing
<v Speaker 1>the life that you love.
<v Speaker 2>All right.
<v Speaker 1>But I'm not telling women that they have to work themselves,
<v Speaker 1>like I said, into the ground to prove that they
<v Speaker 1>are independent.
<v Speaker 2>Never that. Never that.
<v Speaker 1>I'm also not telling women that they should reject being
<v Speaker 1>cared for ever. What I'm saying is, is that you
<v Speaker 1>should have options. I don't know how many more ways
<v Speaker 1>or languages that I can say it, but if you
<v Speaker 1>want to work, you can. If you want to stay home,
<v Speaker 1>you can, but you should still be informed and protected
<v Speaker 1>and connected to an identity beyond your relationship. So the
<v Speaker 1>soft life, is having choices and not having those choices
<v Speaker 1>made for you. And even for my faith-based girlies, you know,
<v Speaker 1>God can bless you through a relationship, but another human
<v Speaker 1>being should never become the source of your identity.
<v Speaker 2>Hello, can I get an amen? Let the church say, amen.
<v Speaker 1>Because your identity has to remain rooted in God. and
<v Speaker 1>your values and your calling. And marriage is a partnership.
<v Speaker 2>It is a gift.
<v Speaker 1>It is a covenant unto God. But it's not supposed
<v Speaker 1>to replace your relationship with God or erase the gifts
<v Speaker 1>that he has placed inside of you.
<v Speaker 2>And we all have them.
<v Speaker 1>A relationship may change your role, right?
<v Speaker 2>Now you're a wife.
<v Speaker 1>Maybe you are now a mother, but it should never
<v Speaker 1>erase your God-given identity.
<v Speaker 2>So I say all that in conclusion, right?
<v Speaker 1>That the real soft life is not pretending that you
<v Speaker 1>don't need anyone and it is not becoming so dependent
<v Speaker 1>that you cannot function without someone, right? It is being
<v Speaker 1>loved without being controlled, without being, you know, forced, right?
<v Speaker 1>but you're being supported without being silenced and provided for
<v Speaker 1>without being stripped of your agency and options.
<v Speaker 2>Okay.
<v Speaker 1>You can still, you know, be deeply committed and still
<v Speaker 1>have an identity.
<v Speaker 2>All right.
<v Speaker 1>You can still enjoy a man's generosity and understand your finances.
<v Speaker 1>You can still build a beautiful life with someone without
<v Speaker 1>losing the life.
<v Speaker 2>That is inside of you.
<v Speaker 1>So If this episode has made you rethink what the
<v Speaker 1>soft life means, I want you to share this with
<v Speaker 1>your friends. Send this in your group chat because you
<v Speaker 1>guys be talking a lot of stuff.
<v Speaker 2>In your group chat.
<v Speaker 1>You need to send something helpful and meaningful in the
<v Speaker 1>group chat, okay? Let this remind your friend that she,
<v Speaker 1>you know, needs to be loved, that she should never,
<v Speaker 1>ever require desperation and lose herself in a relationship.
<v Speaker 2>And also... I want to know this. What is one.
<v Speaker 1>Part of your identity that you refuse to abandon in
<v Speaker 1>a relationship? I want you to leave that in the
<v Speaker 1>comments below. I want you to give this video a
<v Speaker 1>thumbs up and hype up this video if you are
<v Speaker 1>watching it online. I want you to leave a review
<v Speaker 1>if you are listening audibly. And yeah, that is all
<v Speaker 1>for today's podcast episode. Do not forget that I love
<v Speaker 1>you and God loves you. I'll speak to you beautiful
<v Speaker 1>angels in my next episode.
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