<v Speaker 1>You mean to tell me that you actually feel fulfilled

<v Speaker 1>in the fact that you do nothing, he just loads

<v Speaker 1>up your card $ 20, 000 a month and, you know, that's

<v Speaker 1>really it. Trust me, to people that are doing something

<v Speaker 1>with themselves and still also live a very good lifestyle

<v Speaker 1>at the same time, they're looking at you crazy.

<v Speaker 2>Hey, babe. It's Aisha Christina. Nice to meet you. This

<v Speaker 2>is quality queen control. What? is happening. Hello, angels.

<v Speaker 1>How is everyone feeling on today? I'm feeling amazing and

<v Speaker 1>I'm feeling quite feisty. So you already know we have

<v Speaker 1>a lot to talk about. Firstly, a little debrief here.

<v Speaker 1>I had so much fun during New York Fashion Week.

<v Speaker 1>It was Truly, it was like what my friend Sylvia said.

<v Speaker 1>It was like bus, club, another club. Except without the clubs, okay?

<v Speaker 1>Like it was just back to back. And even this

<v Speaker 1>coming week as I'm filming this, I have like two

<v Speaker 1>to three events a day. Girl, I thought New York

<v Speaker 1>Fashion Week was literally one week. Like it is just nonstop.

<v Speaker 1>So the good news is my schedule does begin to

<v Speaker 1>slow down towards the end of the month. But I'm

<v Speaker 1>just feeling... very determined and disciplined right now, which I love,

<v Speaker 1>and I love that for myself. So today's topic, I

<v Speaker 1>wanna expound upon what we talked about last week or

<v Speaker 1>even a couple weeks ago when we were talking about

<v Speaker 1>what the soft life actually is. And I wanted to

<v Speaker 1>just take this little caveat to just explain even more

<v Speaker 1>what I mean by that, because sometimes women think that

<v Speaker 1>the ultimate soft life is being able to say, Like

<v Speaker 1>I said, I don't have to do anything.

<v Speaker 2>My man handles everything.

<v Speaker 1>And while being loved and supported and provided for can

<v Speaker 1>be absolutely beautiful, and it is beautiful, okay? I don't

<v Speaker 1>believe that dependence without options is the soft life. Because

<v Speaker 1>if you cannot afford to disagree... or learn, or evolve,

<v Speaker 1>or even recognize yourself outside of your relationship, that's not softness,

<v Speaker 1>all right? That is just simply vulnerability without protection. That's

<v Speaker 1>what that is. Options, as we have discussed before, they

<v Speaker 1>allow you to choose love, not tolerate love or dysfunction.

<v Speaker 1>So when you have no emotional or financial or practical alternatives,

<v Speaker 1>you're going to stay, right? You're more likely to stay

<v Speaker 1>because you feel trapped rather than because you're you're saying

<v Speaker 1>because you're evaluating that the relationship actually is healthy. And

<v Speaker 1>I want to make this strong distinction here. There is

<v Speaker 1>a difference between choosing a man and needing him for survival.

<v Speaker 1>And we need to open up the floor and really

<v Speaker 1>talk about those things. I see a lot of discourse

<v Speaker 1>on the internet where a lot of people are in

<v Speaker 1>my opinion, sounds like it's good what they're saying. Okay,

<v Speaker 1>date a man that's a provider, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

<v Speaker 1>But what they're negating is some of the lifestyles that

<v Speaker 1>come with that pendulum swing of, if he has money,

<v Speaker 1>get with him. And if he cheats, cheat back. And

<v Speaker 1>who cares what, like, sounds great to a broken person.

<v Speaker 1>But if you're talking about having balance, which I believe

<v Speaker 1>I'm the balance side here on the internet, never ever

<v Speaker 1>did I denounce finding a man that's a provider. I've

<v Speaker 1>never done that, never will do that. But I also

<v Speaker 1>do not believe in being so dependent on someone where

<v Speaker 1>you're tolerating disrespect, that you are doing this all in

<v Speaker 1>the name and the facade of having the life that

<v Speaker 1>looks like you have the life that you want, but

<v Speaker 1>really behind closed doors, you're not really happy. I truly

<v Speaker 1>believe in my heart of hearts that you can live

<v Speaker 1>a life where you're actually happy, where you actually do

<v Speaker 1>want to be with the man that you're with. You

<v Speaker 1>guys do respect each other. He does respect your opinions.

<v Speaker 1>It doesn't matter whether or not he makes more money

<v Speaker 1>than you or what have you, but I do not

<v Speaker 1>believe in getting there by any means necessary and then

<v Speaker 1>just making the best out.

<v Speaker 2>Of the situation.

<v Speaker 1>That is just no way to actually live, right? So

<v Speaker 1>when you have a lack of options, it can make

<v Speaker 1>the bare minimum behavior feel like it's security. When you

<v Speaker 1>actually step back and you sit there and assess Some

<v Speaker 1>of the people that some of you have dated, or

<v Speaker 1>even myself included, in the past, when you think about that,

<v Speaker 1>think about where you were in your life at that time.

<v Speaker 1>Think about what was going through your mind. Think about

<v Speaker 1>what you were going through when you attracted certain individuals.

<v Speaker 1>Think about what you were going through when you attracted

<v Speaker 1>your toxic dynamic, your most toxic situation. Think about where

<v Speaker 1>you were in life. how you were thinking, what you

<v Speaker 1>believed about yourself. And that should bring a lot of

<v Speaker 1>clarity to you. So yes, you can look at, well,

<v Speaker 1>you know what? At least I don't have to work anymore.

<v Speaker 1>And do you really want to think like that? At

<v Speaker 1>least I don't have to, you know, do this. At

<v Speaker 1>least I don't have to pay for my car note.

<v Speaker 2>At least I don't. Okay, great. You're right. Yeah. At

<v Speaker 2>least you don't.

<v Speaker 1>But at the very least, you also don't have respect.

<v Speaker 1>At the very least, you're like trapped in your mansion

<v Speaker 1>pretty much. I don't know about you, but I'm not

<v Speaker 1>really living like that.

<v Speaker 2>And I'm not going to lie.

<v Speaker 1>Maybe I also think like this because I grew up

<v Speaker 1>as a girly in the suburbs. So maybe that's just

<v Speaker 1>me exercising my privilege. But I think that's the beautiful

<v Speaker 1>thing too, is that I don't have to think like that.

<v Speaker 2>And I'm here to share and.

<v Speaker 1>Bring about a new perspective to all of you that

<v Speaker 1>you don't have to do that either. Because like I said,

<v Speaker 1>a woman that has.

<v Speaker 2>Options, okay?

<v Speaker 1>A woman, for those that constantly say that I mix

<v Speaker 1>up woman and woman, all right?

<v Speaker 2>I'm sorry for my.

<v Speaker 1>Pronunciation, that it is offending some people because I do

<v Speaker 1>get the messages. I'm saying a woman with a A, okay?

<v Speaker 1>That's for you that keeps DMing me. A woman with

<v Speaker 1>options can evaluate the relationship honestly because fear is not

<v Speaker 1>the deciding factor. It's not making the decision for her,

<v Speaker 1>all right? And the thing is, you should never have

<v Speaker 1>to even negotiate against your own well-being because leaving feels impossible.

<v Speaker 1>And hello, it happens a lot more than we'd like

<v Speaker 1>to admit. even from some of the people that you

<v Speaker 1>guys take advice.

<v Speaker 2>From on the internet. It's absolutely true. Hello?

<v Speaker 1>Genuine commitment is more meaningful when both people are free

<v Speaker 1>to leave, but they continue to choose each other, okay?

<v Speaker 1>Because a relationship is always going to be safer when

<v Speaker 1>your yes comes from love, not from the fear of

<v Speaker 1>what happened if you are going to say no.

<v Speaker 2>That's no way to live. And there are people on

<v Speaker 2>the internet that are trying to.

<v Speaker 1>Convince you that whatever, you know, basically it's like pretty packaged,

<v Speaker 1>put up and shut up because at least you get

<v Speaker 1>to do this and at least you get to live

<v Speaker 1>like that. I don't want to switch places with any

<v Speaker 1>of those people.

<v Speaker 2>I don't. I don't. And I do believe I can

<v Speaker 2>have it all. Are you kidding me? Look at me. Stop.

<v Speaker 1>And look at some of you, right? Let's actually assess

<v Speaker 1>yourself and say, okay, you know, you're attractive.

<v Speaker 2>You're smart. You're intelligent. You know, you take care of

<v Speaker 2>yourself well. All the things.

<v Speaker 1>You carry yourself well. You do have options. Beauty is

<v Speaker 1>currency for woman. I don't wanna hear it, it is.

<v Speaker 1>Aside from that, you have to really ask yourself, are

<v Speaker 1>you just choosing this guy or do you feel like

<v Speaker 1>you're unable to leave? Okay, is this the best option

<v Speaker 1>that you have? Because okay, well this is a huge relief.

<v Speaker 1>We get ourselves into trouble when we are constantly looking

<v Speaker 1>for relief. Remember what I asked you earlier on in

<v Speaker 1>the episode. Who were you when you have attracted your

<v Speaker 1>most toxic dynamic? What were you thinking? What did you

<v Speaker 1>believe about yourself? Those things trickle down into what we accept, right?

<v Speaker 1>We accept the love we think we deserve. So if

<v Speaker 1>you're constantly making justifications for yourself thinking.

<v Speaker 2>Well, you know what? I mean, yeah, he doesn't treat

<v Speaker 2>me the best.

<v Speaker 1>Yes, I'm so bored in this relationship, but like, at

<v Speaker 1>least I live in a really, really nice house, blah, blah, blah.

<v Speaker 1>One of the girls from Real Housewives of Rhode Island,

<v Speaker 1>I think it was like the young one. I don't

<v Speaker 1>remember what her name was. One of the younger girls

<v Speaker 1>on there, she was dating what? A very prominent lawyer,

<v Speaker 1>extremely wealthy. He basically had her living in his gigantic house,

<v Speaker 1>pretty much alone most of the time. And he was very,

<v Speaker 1>very upfront with her and told her, I'm going to

<v Speaker 1>have multiple girlfriends in this dynamic. And I think due

<v Speaker 1>to her age at the time, She was like, okay,

<v Speaker 1>because why? You're getting this amazing lifestyle. You don't have

<v Speaker 1>to pay a bill. You don't have to lift a finger.

<v Speaker 1>And it seems very attractive until you hit 30, until

<v Speaker 1>you hit 25, where that frontal lobe starts to develop.

<v Speaker 2>And all of a sudden those decisions.

<v Speaker 1>You made at 19, okay, they start to shift and

<v Speaker 1>they change, okay?

<v Speaker 2>That's what it is at the end of the day.

<v Speaker 2>Your perspective will change.

<v Speaker 1>And a lot of the times throughout different, phases in

<v Speaker 1>our lives, our priorities.

<v Speaker 2>They begin to shift. They begin to evolve. You understand?

<v Speaker 1>So with that being said, her identity began to shift

<v Speaker 1>and evolve where she was like, okay, yeah, I've been

<v Speaker 1>in this relationship for all of my twenties.

<v Speaker 2>I am now 30 years old and now it's hitting me.

<v Speaker 1>The same information that I was okay with at 19

<v Speaker 1>and 20 years old, I'm actually not okay with at

<v Speaker 1>all at 30. And so I got to make a

<v Speaker 1>decision here. But I don't know what to do because

<v Speaker 1>I'm so unequipped. And that's why I'm grateful that someone

<v Speaker 1>like her has the show to kind of build her

<v Speaker 1>own brand and to create income for herself. She's also

<v Speaker 1>a makeup artist, I believe. So she does have an

<v Speaker 1>actual talent that actually employs her.

<v Speaker 2>But I just, I don't know.

<v Speaker 1>I kind of felt for her in that moment because

<v Speaker 1>it's like, wow, this is such a scary thing where

<v Speaker 1>you're having to find a place by yourself, figure out

<v Speaker 1>how to do that. And I know for some women,

<v Speaker 1>it's like, duh, duh, duh. But when you grew up

<v Speaker 1>in a certain way, and then you have to completely

<v Speaker 1>shift and do all of that for yourself, it can

<v Speaker 1>be very intimidating and overwhelming because you don't know where

<v Speaker 1>to start, right? Because you simply have not had to

<v Speaker 1>be concerned about it. And I think I'm glad that

<v Speaker 1>it happened for her earlier than later, unlike Lisa from

<v Speaker 1>Real Housewives of Miami, where, and I'm not saying this

<v Speaker 1>as a throw off or shade that like, I'm trying

<v Speaker 1>to accuse anyone of being like, stupid or anything like that.

<v Speaker 1>That is not at all what I'm getting at. But

<v Speaker 1>for Lisa, she was married to this guy. So two

<v Speaker 1>different examples I'm giving here. One girl was the girlfriend

<v Speaker 1>from Real Housewives of Rhode Island. One girl was the wife,

<v Speaker 1>which was in Lisa's case. And those are two great

<v Speaker 1>examples to bring up because it just highlights what I'm

<v Speaker 1>trying to drill into you guys' heads that you cannot...

<v Speaker 1>solely rely on anyone, man or woman. You cannot let

<v Speaker 1>your source of everything come from one person. And that's

<v Speaker 1>not even talking finances. That's happiness, okay? that is spirituality,

<v Speaker 1>that is safety. You cannot rely on one person to

<v Speaker 1>do that, all right? At the end of the day,

<v Speaker 1>your identity is gonna protect you from disappearing in a relationship.

<v Speaker 1>And a relationship should always be adding to your life, right?

<v Speaker 1>It shouldn't consume your entire definition of who you are.

<v Speaker 1>You were a whole person before you became someone's girlfriend

<v Speaker 1>or even their wife. So your interests, your friendships, your purpose,

<v Speaker 1>your faith, your personality still requires nurturing, all right? There's

<v Speaker 1>nothing more annoying and frustrating where you have a friend

<v Speaker 1>that as soon as they get into a relationship, they

<v Speaker 1>just get lost in the relationship.

<v Speaker 2>It becomes their entire personality. Oh, I can't. My boyfriend. Oh,

<v Speaker 2>I can't. My husband.

<v Speaker 1>Oh, I can't.

<v Speaker 2>Like, it's like, girl, where is your life?

<v Speaker 1>Constantly adapting to keep a partner can make you emotionally

<v Speaker 1>abandon yourself 100%, right?

<v Speaker 2>So if your confidence....

<v Speaker 1>Is going to depend entirely on how your partner treats

<v Speaker 1>you that day, that hour, that minute. Well, now your

<v Speaker 1>identity has to become externally controlled. I was friends with

<v Speaker 1>this girl once and it's like her entire, two people

<v Speaker 1>I have examples of, her entire day was like our

<v Speaker 1>friendship felt like it was predicated on how her experience

<v Speaker 1>was with whoever she was having a conversation with at

<v Speaker 1>that time. Like she would be so distant and like,

<v Speaker 1>you know, very moody and snappy because she didn't like

<v Speaker 1>how her conversation was going with the guy that she

<v Speaker 1>was talking to. I had another person that I knew

<v Speaker 1>before and they would always, every time he would go out,

<v Speaker 1>she'd be like, oh, I'm tired. Girl, you know good

<v Speaker 1>and well you're not tired. You just want to go

<v Speaker 1>home because you want to be up under that man

<v Speaker 1>because while you're there, you feel like, okay, at least

<v Speaker 1>I know exactly what he's doing. That's no way to live.

<v Speaker 1>Are you kidding me? That's no way to live. You're

<v Speaker 1>going to have your emotions dictated and your day dictated

<v Speaker 1>on you know, dang, I got to rush home.

<v Speaker 2>I got to rush home. I got to pretend to

<v Speaker 2>be tired so I can just go. You're not tired.

<v Speaker 2>Next question.

<v Speaker 1>At the end of the day, healthy love is going

<v Speaker 1>to create room for two complete people, right? Not one

<v Speaker 1>person and having somebody revolve around them. No healthy man

<v Speaker 1>even wants your entire life to revolve around them, right?

<v Speaker 1>Loving somebody deeply should not require you to become unrecognizable

<v Speaker 1>to yourself.

<v Speaker 2>All right?

<v Speaker 1>So There are absolutely signs that you've made your relationship

<v Speaker 1>your entire identity, all right? And let's expound on this

<v Speaker 1>one right here, okay? Financial options create emotional honesty.

<v Speaker 2>I'm gonna say that again.

<v Speaker 1>Financial options create emotional honesty. You guys already know what

<v Speaker 1>that means. But this doesn't mean every relationship I'm saying

<v Speaker 1>should be 50-50. Never was I ever saying that. Or

<v Speaker 1>that a woman cannot date or desire to be with.

<v Speaker 2>Someone that is a provider.

<v Speaker 1>No, it means that as women, we should have access

<v Speaker 1>and awareness and a safety net.

<v Speaker 2>And you do not have that.

<v Speaker 1>And unfortunately, the truth of the matter is, if you're

<v Speaker 1>a smart woman, You understand that even in the event

<v Speaker 1>of marriage, you still should have something going for yourself.

<v Speaker 1>I don't know why people hear this on the internet

<v Speaker 1>and their brain just clicks to, you gotta make a

<v Speaker 1>million dollars, you gotta be bringing in 100K a month

<v Speaker 1>or something like that. No, but you have to have

<v Speaker 1>some sort of cushion. Never let go of your purpose

<v Speaker 1>and your passion and your desires and having some sort

<v Speaker 1>of income for yourself. Because I'm telling you, you don't

<v Speaker 1>want to live a life where at 40 years old,

<v Speaker 1>your man still has to load up your card because

<v Speaker 1>in the name of allowance.

<v Speaker 2>Allowance sounds cute, right? When you're in your 20s and

<v Speaker 2>it's like, yeah, he just gives me an allowance. I

<v Speaker 2>love that.

<v Speaker 1>And then when you're 40, that no longer sounds appealing.

<v Speaker 1>It sounds like you're... you've lost in life. It's like, okay, girl,

<v Speaker 1>you have an allowance. All right, that's good for you. Like,

<v Speaker 1>we're happy about that. We're not bitter about that. Who

<v Speaker 1>would be bitter about that? But you mean to tell

<v Speaker 1>me that you actually feel fulfilled in the fact that

<v Speaker 1>you do nothing. He just loads up your card $ 20, 000

<v Speaker 1>a month. And you know, that's really it. Trust me,

<v Speaker 1>to people that are doing something with themselves and still

<v Speaker 1>also live a very good lifestyle at the same time,

<v Speaker 1>they're looking at you crazy. Because at 40, it's like, well,

<v Speaker 1>what are you doing, okay? Do you have children that

<v Speaker 1>you're providing for, which is a full-time job? Being a

<v Speaker 1>mother is a very selfless job. But if you're just

<v Speaker 1>aimless and you're out here and you're in your late

<v Speaker 1>30s and all the different things and you still can't

<v Speaker 1>afford to buy a cup of coffee on your own

<v Speaker 1>that doesn't come from your allowance balance, Babe, you can't

<v Speaker 1>genuinely sit here and tell me that that sounds appealing

<v Speaker 1>to you. There's just no way you're gonna convince me

<v Speaker 1>of that. So it is difficult, right, to speak honestly

<v Speaker 1>when somebody is controlling your entire quality of life.

<v Speaker 2>Your entire quality of life. How can you be honest?

<v Speaker 1>Out of all the things that we've even discussed in this,

<v Speaker 1>I want this to be one of the main points

<v Speaker 1>that you remember. is that if you do not have

<v Speaker 1>that financial independence, you can only be but so honest.

<v Speaker 1>It will always be difficult for you to speak your

<v Speaker 1>mind and be truthful when somebody is in control of

<v Speaker 1>your life and the quality of your life. Because financial

<v Speaker 1>dependence can turn normal disagreements into threats to your security.

<v Speaker 1>I'm telling you, no one thinks their man is gonna

<v Speaker 1>do it until, even with what is left unsaid, it

<v Speaker 1>is the natural feeling of the rug being ripped under

<v Speaker 1>you where you feel like, man, I feel like he's

<v Speaker 1>kind of being condescending because he knows that he pays

<v Speaker 1>for absolutely everything. and he knows that I genuinely can't.

<v Speaker 1>It's not only that he knows that he actually does

<v Speaker 1>pay for everything, it's the fact that he knows you can't.

<v Speaker 1>That is where things get tricky, because he knows you can't,

<v Speaker 1>as opposed to, well, yes, I pay for absolutely everything,

<v Speaker 1>but also she can definitely fend for herself too. Doesn't

<v Speaker 1>mean you have to provide yourself the exact same lifestyle,

<v Speaker 1>But you're good on your own as well. You're not

<v Speaker 1>just left out on the street because he decided he

<v Speaker 1>didn't want to be with you anymore.

<v Speaker 2>You're picking up what I'm laying down. So normal disagreements.

<v Speaker 1>Can catastrophize into threats to your security, right? Where you're

<v Speaker 1>feeling it creates this power imbalance. You're feeling, you know,

<v Speaker 1>very put down. You're feeling let down. You're feeling very dependent.

<v Speaker 1>You're feeling lonely. You're feeling isolated. You feel like your

<v Speaker 1>world revolves around him all of a sudden, right? And

<v Speaker 1>then he's feeling like you're bothering him. What are you

<v Speaker 1>really doing with your life anyway? I pay for everything.

<v Speaker 1>Why can't you just kind of put up and shut up?

<v Speaker 1>So it just creates... an environment that is unhealthy. A

<v Speaker 1>provider should want his partner to be protected, informed, and capable,

<v Speaker 1>not powerless. You know, I was speaking to a guy once,

<v Speaker 1>and I do agree partially with what he said, but

<v Speaker 1>I don't necessarily agree in totality with his mindset. He

<v Speaker 1>was saying that, yes, he would want someone to, he

<v Speaker 1>would pay the rent, right? He would pay all of

<v Speaker 1>the rent. But he said he would expect his girlfriend

<v Speaker 1>to contribute in other ways, like groceries or whatever the

<v Speaker 1>case is, because it makes her less dependent on him. Now,

<v Speaker 1>I'm not absolving him of anything because I believe in

<v Speaker 1>that particular context, he wants to be absolved of any

<v Speaker 1>and all responsibility because.

<v Speaker 2>He is just an.

<v Speaker 1>Eternal bachelor and he probably will forever remain single for

<v Speaker 1>the rest of his life. But what I did kind

<v Speaker 1>of grab there that if I may was positive is

<v Speaker 1>that mindset of in a healthy man, because I don't

<v Speaker 1>believe he is one. In a healthy man, I can

<v Speaker 1>see how a healthy man would want their partner to

<v Speaker 1>be capable and informed and not powerless. I can see

<v Speaker 1>how a healthy man would want to teach you or

<v Speaker 1>want to help you evolve into learning that you can

<v Speaker 1>do other things for yourself, but not make it a

<v Speaker 1>requirement of because I pay the rent, you need to

<v Speaker 1>pay the groceries because I need to teach you responsibility.

<v Speaker 2>That's not what I'm talking about.

<v Speaker 1>But it's this mutual understanding and partnership of, you know what, like, babe,

<v Speaker 1>like you may not know this and I am well

<v Speaker 1>versed in this, you know, subject or category or what

<v Speaker 1>have you. So this is how you do this and

<v Speaker 1>kind of educate them instead of trying to Lord over them.

<v Speaker 1>But this is what I'm talking about with the power imbalance.

<v Speaker 1>When you are in, you're so unequally yoked with someone

<v Speaker 1>in a sense, where it almost creates this child-parent dynamic.

<v Speaker 1>And this is why I am all for a cute

<v Speaker 1>little age gap, right?

<v Speaker 2>I truly am.

<v Speaker 1>But when your person, a lot of the times, comes

<v Speaker 1>from a different generation than you, you have to consider

<v Speaker 1>what that generation values.

<v Speaker 2>And sometimes... You being.

<v Speaker 1>An old soul and them being a young soul, it

<v Speaker 1>can work out. But when you think about what that

<v Speaker 1>generation prioritizes versus what your generation prioritizes, I think it'll

<v Speaker 1>give a lot of clarity as to what those baseline

<v Speaker 1>and foundational issues sometimes can tend to be. Because the

<v Speaker 1>way you were raised and your environment and what your

<v Speaker 1>generation placed emphasis on is what forms a lot of

<v Speaker 1>your identity and your perspective on life.

<v Speaker 2>I know that I have a point here.

<v Speaker 1>I hope you guys are picking up what I'm laying

<v Speaker 1>down because this is why after a certain age, I'm like,

<v Speaker 1>all right, come on. This absolutely cannot work because... One,

<v Speaker 1>you have a kid with certain men. It's like by

<v Speaker 1>the time your kid's 20, the man's going to be

<v Speaker 1>70 years old. The man's going to be in his

<v Speaker 1>80s while your kid is barely touching 30. If that's

<v Speaker 1>something you prioritize, you're not going to go in that direction, right?

<v Speaker 1>Especially if you're leaning towards having children and genuinely building

<v Speaker 1>a family. I'm not saying some connections do not work

<v Speaker 1>because they absolutely do. But you have to think about what,

<v Speaker 1>like the discord and things, situations that you would have

<v Speaker 1>with the person. Think about what that person's generation is

<v Speaker 1>built upon, them having to, you know, believe and what

<v Speaker 1>they stand for. I'm telling you, it'll help you a lot, okay?

<v Speaker 1>So having your own money also does not mean that

<v Speaker 1>you are refusing a man's generosity.

<v Speaker 2>I'm not saying that either. Because women can have.

<v Speaker 1>You know, the support, receive the support while maintaining your

<v Speaker 1>own savings, having your own skills, having your own credit

<v Speaker 1>and also financial literacy. He pays for everything should never

<v Speaker 1>mean I have no idea what we have, what we do,

<v Speaker 1>where it is, what I would do without him. That's

<v Speaker 1>not what it is. We don't want a Teresa Gidice,

<v Speaker 1>the situation where you end up paying for the fact

<v Speaker 1>that your husband was a fraud.

<v Speaker 2>Yeah.

<v Speaker 1>You don't want to have to make those jail calls

<v Speaker 1>and put money on his books because you had all

<v Speaker 1>this money and you had no idea how it even happened.

<v Speaker 2>What in the term Girardi is happening? Okay. So you

<v Speaker 2>don't want that to actually be you. You have to

<v Speaker 2>be informed, ladies. It doesn't matter.

<v Speaker 1>Even if he's paying for everything, you need to know

<v Speaker 1>the insides and outs of what's going on. And the

<v Speaker 1>right partner for yourself and a man that is living

<v Speaker 1>with dignity and integrity, right? Sounds like foreign words these days.

<v Speaker 1>They're not gonna have a problem with you learning about that, okay?

<v Speaker 1>Provision that requires powerlessness is never protection, okay? Provision that

<v Speaker 1>requires powerlessness is, is not protection, and you have to

<v Speaker 1>be able to distinguish the two. But if you're coming

<v Speaker 1>from a place of desperation and you're trying to be saved,

<v Speaker 1>having that I need to be saved complex, I'm telling

<v Speaker 1>you this as someone that is in their 30s, trust me,

<v Speaker 1>that is not the life you want for the rest

<v Speaker 1>of your life. Wanting a provider does not mean wanting

<v Speaker 1>to be financially helpless. Purpose keeps love from carrying a

<v Speaker 1>weight it was never designed to carry. Your partner cannot

<v Speaker 1>be your only source of meaning, fulfillment, of confidence, of community,

<v Speaker 1>of excitement. You know, when the relationship becomes your entire life,

<v Speaker 1>every change in it feels like it's catastrophic for you, right?

<v Speaker 1>Because purpose can be a career. It could be a business.

<v Speaker 1>It could be a ministry. Like I've said, it could

<v Speaker 1>be a creative calling. It can be education, right? you know,

<v Speaker 1>family mission or just meaningful service, period. Having purpose does

<v Speaker 1>not mean you must overwork or live in survival mode

<v Speaker 1>at all because a healthy partner shouldn't be threatened by

<v Speaker 1>you having something meaningful that belongs to you.

<v Speaker 2>They nurture that. They support that. And as woman with

<v Speaker 2>an E, yeah.

<v Speaker 1>We need something that's gonna remind us of who we

<v Speaker 1>are beyond being desired. And having that passion is gonna

<v Speaker 1>give you a healthier place to invest your gifts instead

<v Speaker 1>of obsessively monitoring the relationship because what else do you

<v Speaker 1>have to do?

<v Speaker 2>What else is going on, right?

<v Speaker 1>So a man can be part of your happiness, but

<v Speaker 1>he should not be responsible for manufacturing your entire sense

<v Speaker 1>of purpose. Your relationship cannot be your only source of fulfillment.

<v Speaker 1>Real softness requires safety and safety requires choice.

<v Speaker 2>Yeah, right?

<v Speaker 1>True softness is the ability to rest because you are supported,

<v Speaker 1>not because you have surrendered all of your agency. And

<v Speaker 1>also softness is not ignorance. It's not avoidance or giving

<v Speaker 1>someone unquestioned control.

<v Speaker 2>Over your life.

<v Speaker 1>No, having options helps you set the boundaries without fearing

<v Speaker 1>that your honesty is going to ruin your life or

<v Speaker 1>ruin your relationship. You can relax more deeply when you

<v Speaker 1>know that you're capable of handling you know, your circumstances

<v Speaker 1>if the circumstances change. And emotional softness is even easier

<v Speaker 1>when you get to trust your own judgment. Independence is

<v Speaker 1>healthier than forced dependence.

<v Speaker 2>I'm going to say that again.

<v Speaker 1>Independence is healthier than forced dependence. And a lot of

<v Speaker 1>you don't look at it as force, but it is.

<v Speaker 1>You're forcing yourself on your own will. You lean on

<v Speaker 1>each other while remaining capable people. That is what's healthy.

<v Speaker 1>Because the goal is not to live with one foot

<v Speaker 1>out the door. The goal is to know that the door.

<v Speaker 2>Is not locked.

<v Speaker 1>Yeah. Okay. So the soft life is not having somewhere

<v Speaker 1>else to go. It is having options and still choosing

<v Speaker 1>the life that you love.

<v Speaker 2>All right.

<v Speaker 1>But I'm not telling women that they have to work themselves,

<v Speaker 1>like I said, into the ground to prove that they

<v Speaker 1>are independent.

<v Speaker 2>Never that. Never that.

<v Speaker 1>I'm also not telling women that they should reject being

<v Speaker 1>cared for ever. What I'm saying is, is that you

<v Speaker 1>should have options. I don't know how many more ways

<v Speaker 1>or languages that I can say it, but if you

<v Speaker 1>want to work, you can. If you want to stay home,

<v Speaker 1>you can, but you should still be informed and protected

<v Speaker 1>and connected to an identity beyond your relationship. So the

<v Speaker 1>soft life, is having choices and not having those choices

<v Speaker 1>made for you. And even for my faith-based girlies, you know,

<v Speaker 1>God can bless you through a relationship, but another human

<v Speaker 1>being should never become the source of your identity.

<v Speaker 2>Hello, can I get an amen? Let the church say, amen.

<v Speaker 1>Because your identity has to remain rooted in God. and

<v Speaker 1>your values and your calling. And marriage is a partnership.

<v Speaker 2>It is a gift.

<v Speaker 1>It is a covenant unto God. But it's not supposed

<v Speaker 1>to replace your relationship with God or erase the gifts

<v Speaker 1>that he has placed inside of you.

<v Speaker 2>And we all have them.

<v Speaker 1>A relationship may change your role, right?

<v Speaker 2>Now you're a wife.

<v Speaker 1>Maybe you are now a mother, but it should never

<v Speaker 1>erase your God-given identity.

<v Speaker 2>So I say all that in conclusion, right?

<v Speaker 1>That the real soft life is not pretending that you

<v Speaker 1>don't need anyone and it is not becoming so dependent

<v Speaker 1>that you cannot function without someone, right? It is being

<v Speaker 1>loved without being controlled, without being, you know, forced, right?

<v Speaker 1>but you're being supported without being silenced and provided for

<v Speaker 1>without being stripped of your agency and options.

<v Speaker 2>Okay.

<v Speaker 1>You can still, you know, be deeply committed and still

<v Speaker 1>have an identity.

<v Speaker 2>All right.

<v Speaker 1>You can still enjoy a man's generosity and understand your finances.

<v Speaker 1>You can still build a beautiful life with someone without

<v Speaker 1>losing the life.

<v Speaker 2>That is inside of you.

<v Speaker 1>So If this episode has made you rethink what the

<v Speaker 1>soft life means, I want you to share this with

<v Speaker 1>your friends. Send this in your group chat because you

<v Speaker 1>guys be talking a lot of stuff.

<v Speaker 2>In your group chat.

<v Speaker 1>You need to send something helpful and meaningful in the

<v Speaker 1>group chat, okay? Let this remind your friend that she,

<v Speaker 1>you know, needs to be loved, that she should never,

<v Speaker 1>ever require desperation and lose herself in a relationship.

<v Speaker 2>And also... I want to know this. What is one.

<v Speaker 1>Part of your identity that you refuse to abandon in

<v Speaker 1>a relationship? I want you to leave that in the

<v Speaker 1>comments below. I want you to give this video a

<v Speaker 1>thumbs up and hype up this video if you are

<v Speaker 1>watching it online. I want you to leave a review

<v Speaker 1>if you are listening audibly. And yeah, that is all

<v Speaker 1>for today's podcast episode. Do not forget that I love

<v Speaker 1>you and God loves you. I'll speak to you beautiful

<v Speaker 1>angels in my next episode.