Damn, internet you scary. Here's what we need,
and it's hard to do
without offending people
and getting labeled as a misogynist, but the
closest thing we had to it was, what's the man that died?
Black man from Atlanta that was doing- George Floyd? Uh-uh.
Oh, the meme?
That was Milwaukee or Minnesota, actually. Nah, it was Milwaukee.
But he was even sitting, he would talk to the camera, and he had guests on.
Who died? He died, he had a heart attack or whatever. Kevin Samuels?
Kevin Samuels, right. Kevin Samuels was probably the closest thing, and I think
there are some other pages on Instagram, somebody was telling me, but you need a
page for how
a real n***a thinks. I think Kevin Samuels' downfall was, well,
not his downfall, his shortcoming was the fact that he was judging the women
based on their environment and where they were in life.
You just need a n***a to tell you how he really feel. Like an average real n***a.
I was talking to my friend about this. Are we rolling?
So,
gay men
have a very casual hook-up lifestyle.
Mm.
Mm. They meet a n***a in the club. "Hey, n***a, like the way your d**k hanging."
"Hey, freaky as hell." "What's up with that thing?" They f**k that night.
It's no strings attached because they understand, as a man, I just want the
physicality of this. They're n****s. I don't have to keep in contact with it.
I feel like because women are the gender that are shamed
publicly for only wanting sex, they don't have that freedom, right?
That's a good point. So, they feel like they have to have the investment of time,
energy, and finances to validate them sleeping with a man.
So I think we should start a movement called We All Hoes, just not all the time.
And anybody that subscribes to this movement has that T-shirt, and they also have a
T-shirt that says, "We all hoes." So based on the day and how you're feeling,
if you wear that T-shirt, we know what you're working with.
And it ain't no judgment because look, we all hoes, just not all the time.
You know who's going to sue you? Who? Amber Rose.
Mm.
Wow. She did that first. Did she do it? You repackaged the SlutWalk.
No, but here's the thing. The SlutWalk is like- Just gave it a different angle ...
hey, different hoes, to embrace your hoe in solidarity and let's take the streets.
Nah, we hitting the streets. We all hoes.
We ain't taking the streets, we just hitting the streets.
And sometimes you want to be hoe-ish, do a little hoe dancing-
But not every day
... pop that little p***y on the handstand-
Right
... but you ain't really trying to give that p***y up tonight. Sometimes you are.
Happy hoes. Sometimes you're just like, "No." Happy hoes. Yeah.
That's not all the time part. But sometimes you're like, "Yo, I'm on that s**t
tonight. I'm drinking Hennessy tonight.
I already ain't wearing no panties." You know what I'm saying?
I got the clear jellies on.
I'm trying to get my f**k on tonight.
Are you talking as you, or are you talking as them?
Well, I'm talking as the women, right? Okay.
Well, I think that we would also need to coach our young men to be okay with her
just sleeping with you tonight.
Mm-hmm.
That's also a big factor for why women don't feel like they can be hoes, is because
emotionally, men are like, "You gave me some, you want me, right?"
Uh-huh.
And it's like, "Oh, no, I was just having a good time.
See you later."
Some men are like that because there are possessive men, just like there are
possessive women, but men are also conditioned to believe that we have to do the
dinner, contact you, good morning, love, good night, love, how was your day s**t,
because that's what the societal norm is.
If we start a movement, a new movement- ...
and we be like, "Yo, we out here hoeing sometimes, right?
We out here hoeing sometimes, and then we out here hoeing." So we know exactly
where you are, and if you're in the community, you see somebody with a shirt on, if
they not hoeing that night, you can still like, "Hey, what's up?
How you doing, hoe?" "I'm good. How are you doing?" Boom. Right?
Oh, like hoe neighbor. Let's normalize it, right? Let's normalize it.
We taking back hoe like Black people take back the N-word.
Well, I mean, yes- They tweeted ... but there's not as much- They tweeted ...
trauma as attached to hoe.
So like the B-word for women?
Sort of. But here's the thing. See, the B-word belongs to a community, like the
F-word belongs to a community, like n***a belongs to a community.
Right.
Right? Hoes is for everybody. We don't own these hoes.
And that's what n****s need to get across their head. We don't own none of these.
Even when you married, you don't own these hoes.
You make a conscious decision to wake up every day and love that person and be
faithful to that person and be kind to that person. It's just like happiness.
Happiness is a state of being. It's a mindset. You don't wake up happy.
You wake up and say, "I'm going to have a good day today." Mm-hmm.
But there's not an emotion that is directly tied to happiness other than smiling.
But even that, you was like, "Oh, my God, they gave me 12 wings instead of 10.
I'm happy about that." Great example.
Happiness is a mindset, and it's typically directly connected with a situation or a
state of being. It's not something like
you don't just wake up with it. It's a conscious decision to be happy. Mm-hmm.
And that's a lot of things, I think that's a thing that people don't understand.
It's like if you're going through some s**t,
like the past couple of months or last year, I was going through some s**t, right?
And now I'm coming out on the other end of the s**t.
And yes, overarching theme is I'm still in the mix of this s**t, right?
Mm-hmm.
But if I zoom in and get into the minutia, right?
This day, I was good. The day before I was good. The day before that, I was good.
Tomorrow, I'm pretty sure I'm going to be good, right?
So I'm making a conscious decision to say, "I'm straight.
I'm happy."
Mm.
Regardless of the overarching s**t I'm still going through, this week I'm in a good
space, and I'm choosing to embrace that.
The same way we should choose to embrace the hoe-ism.
You spitting with this wig on-
Yeah
... is really a lot for me. Like having to separate you-
Screen for this
... as a theologian and-
Hey, man
... with the wig outfit.
I'm trying to put this s**t in simple context, and sometimes you need to see an
unfamiliar face to listen, because you see my face, you go, "Oh, this n***a on that
b******t." But this pumperdoodle, this pumperdoodle right here spitting like a
m**********r.
Do you hear what I'm saying?
I, unfortunately, do.
Look, I need you to understand that sometimes you got to embrace the hoe.
Mm.
You don't have to go to Vegas or Cancun or Cabo to embrace the
hoe. We should have the luxury of embracing the hoe wherever we at.
No, out of town hoeing is great because it don't even count as a body.
Out of town hoeing is fundamentally a good idea-
Right
... for everybody.
Right. But hear me out on this.
Out of town don't count. Out of town is a body. Huh.
Well, this is my theory. I always thought that, like if you stayed on the East
Coast or the Midwest and you went to Vegas to hoe, then it never happened because
you never catch up with that time. That time is always in the past, and the past is
always the past. So you have to go from East Coast to West Coast for it to not
count. Yeah, like if you live in Vegas or if you stay in Seattle and you go to
Vegas and you do some hoeing, oh, b***h, you was hoeing.
What if you go from the West Coast to the East Coast and then go back in time to
reverse it like in "Flash"? Actually, that s**t might catch up with you because the
present always becomes- Three hours later.
Yeah, the present always becomes the future. You know what I mean?
The future becomes the present. But I'm saying, man, we need to embrace, because
I'm
all for feminism, I'm also all for equal rights, but my thing is, like if we going
to do that, then all right, well, you pick up the tab for the date.
No.
Exactly. Exactly. So why should I invest-
I'm all for hoeing, but I'm not with reverse tricking.
It's not reverse tricking, it's an investment, right?
It is.
If it ain't an investment, then we can meet at Starbucks.
We can meet at Starbucks, we can take a walk, we can chill in the car and go song
for song for who got the best playlist. Versus- We don't have to... Yeah.
This is the thing. All right, people do first dates at the movies.
What the f**k you going to do at the movies?
Sit quiet for an hour and a half, two hours?
You could just be creative. A free date is never the problem.
It's the intentionality and the effort of the date.
If you were creative, I've been on free dates that were fun.
Uh-huh.
You got to trick me into thinking that you want to have fun more than you want it
to be $7.
Okay. All right. Why can't I do both?
Why? It's the energy behind it.
Because gas is $6. Gas is $7. B***h, who the f**k want to come pick you up and
meet you somewhere, then pay for it, right, walk you to your car, right, all for
the possibility... Ladies, I came up with this a couple nights ago. I was high.
It's when I did that honor board video. But I feel like- You were high?
Oh, n***a, I thought it was a sleep gummy. I was up at 2:00 a.m.
doing product reviews before I did that honor board.
I was like, this is the oldest energy.
I know you was high that whole video because I was like, "What the hell is wrong
with you?" N***a, I was high as eagle p***y. You hear me?
I was in the clouds, n***a. I had a Weemo playin' in the background, n***a. Yeah.
Let me tell you something. Ladies, this will tell you exactly the type of man
you're dealing with and how old he is, right?
Because 21 to 25 just out the gate be like, "Hey, would you stay up with me- All
night with just the possibility of getting some p***y,
right? Just the possibility. It's a 50/50 chance you might get something.
You might stay up. Y'all might link up around 8:00.
We talking 6:00 AM, and you might get some p***y.
21 to 25, all they hear is might get some p***y. P***y, right? They going to do it.
They in it for the long haul. 26 to 35, them n****s be like, "I don't know if I
like that ROI. That return on investment don't sound good.
50/50 chance, and then I got to miss sleep.
I got to come over to your s**t you don't even feel comfortable on.
Respectfully, don't feel comfortable coming over to my s**t." Fine. F**k it, right?
36 to 44, you out your rabbit-ass mind.
The possibility of getting some p***y? It ain't even a guarantee.
That's true.
You out your goddamn mind. And then, y'all don't even be telling n****s, when y'all
be having pets, everybody ain't dog people. Everybody ain't cat people.
You going to come over to your funky-ass house, right?
With this big-ass dog that likes to lay in between us and on me. F**k this dog.
It's the smell.
And it might not give me p***y.
It's the smell.
As soon as you walk in-
I love dogs too, but women who have dogs that they're best friends with, it has a
certain smell.
Really?
And every man has put up with that smell for some c***h.
Let me tell you something. Now I got to get a lint roller in the car-
Oh, yeah
... every time I leave your m***********g house.
Oh, the hair.
Right? Yeah.
And I start sneezing.
And hair be everywhere. And if she got on little shorts or something like that, and
she do give you some p***y, you go down on her, it's going to be some dog hair
somewhere on there.
Oh, I never thought of that.
That hair get everywhere, right?
I never thought of that.
This is the s**t y'all need to be asking when y'all be dating people, too.
"Are you a pet person?"
That's a werewolf.
"How much of a pet person are you? Does your dog sleep in the bed with you?"
Yep, that's what I'm talking about.
That s**t right there, that's different.
"Do you kiss your dog after a long day?" These are questions that we don't ask,
that we need to ask.
I don't like men that have dogs, most of the time.
Why?
I don't like how they interact with men, and how they interact with their dog.
Mm.
So, if I date a man, and he has a dog, I need to know what kind of dog.
Because if it's a big dog, I already know, you probably got control issues, and
that dog is a slave.
What?
I don't like men who won't let their dogs be dogs.
Like the guys who are like, "Oh, yeah, he's crate-trained, and he don't do nothing.
Get down." I'm like, "Yo, he's a dog."
Mm-hmm.
"Let him be a dog for a minute." If not, I'm like, "Oh, you're a cra-" Like, the
dudes who are super strict walking their dog, and the dog got to be like right here
at their side-
Mm-hmm
... and can't sniff nothing. It's outside. That dog got a great nose.
He does have a great nose.
Right? I don't know why-
That's hilarious.
I completely understand where you're coming from.
I disagree wholeheartedly, though.
What?
Keep your m***********g dog near you, bro.
I agree with that.
That's your dog at home.
The training. Yeah, the training.
His thing, and that's the thing, I think that white people, we going to get to some
stories at some point. Our guest is Callie Scott, ladies and gentlemen.
She's a content creator, comedian. She hosts panels about comedy.
She dope all the way around, right? But we going to get into that s**t in a minute.
Here's my thing.
Whatever you say, they did. That was a great intro.
White people, I need y'all to understand, and I need y'all to tap into me.
Is this my circle right here, Amir?
Mm-hmm.
Hear me out. White people who go hiking with y'all dogs, put your dog on that
m***********g leash-
For real
... on that leash-on area. I need y'all to understand that Black people, a lot of
Black people, are dispositionally already trained to not trust or like dogs.
We had the m**********r sick on us during the civil rights movement.
Oh, my God.
I can't walk past a dog or a fire hydrant without shuddering, okay?
Because the s**t is ingrained in me the same way the sharks still travel the
Pacific slave route.
What?
They do.
For real?
Yes. Look it up, bro.
They changed the migration pattern?
Well, because they would follow the slave ships because so many slaves would die in
transit that that became their way of eating, and they still travel that way all of
these years after slavery is over.
That's crazy.
It's f*****g crazy. So, when you got your dog off of f*****g leash, and I'm trying
to hike to stay fit, and you like, "Oh, he's friendly," I don't give a f**k if that
b***h is selling lemonade on the side of the f*****g street.
Put your f*****g dog on the leash. Now, if I kick him, I'm wrong.
If you hear a m***********g "Brr!" I'm wrong.
But your m***********g dog ran up to me, and I don't know what type of dog he is.
I don't have a purse to clutch like y'all do when we cross the street, so I'm going
to kick this f*****g dog.
Have you ever owned a dog?
Yes, we got a dog at the f*****g house. I don't f**k with him, though.
That's they dog.
I don't get how people don't like dogs. That's crazy.
Here's the thing, it's not like I don't like them.
I just prefer not to be around them.
That's not liking something.
No, no, that's like kids.
That's the same. No, that's like kids.
That's like kids.
I don't really f**k with them like that.
I don't really f**k with kids like that either.
To be around them?
Yeah.
That means you don't like them.
Well, here's the thing. Kids ask a lot of questions. Their hands be sticky.
They stink a lot of the times. You know what I mean?
And they got germs. They're germs.
When a kid gets sick, something about kindergarten classrooms, when they bring the
illness home, you get ill.
Right.
Mm-hmm.
You don't even get sick. You get illnesses-
Yeah
... from kids being sick.
Because they ain't been living long enough, so they haven't built up enough
antibodies, so you getting the f*****g potent-
The first strain
... the potent version. Yeah, they're f*****g- ...
patient zero when they come up-
The pure
... with that s**t. You know what I'm saying?
That pure influence.
Kids walk around with the strongest cases of COVID-
Yeah
... because they ain't got no antibodies. Little young b*******s. Y'all weak, bro.
You're f*****g weak, bro. I'm going keep it a bean.
A lot of y'all kids ain't going to be s**t when they grow up. Let's keep it real.
They not. College isn't being pushed off on kids no more.
They're more in tune with learning s**t online, which is great for fast food
information, which means that you're going to get the bare bones of s**t, but you
don't necessarily understand the inner workings of it.
Now, I will give this new generation props, for they're way more emotionally in
tune, and they're way more inclined to go to therapy to find out what's really
going on. But they also find every excuse not to be a hard f*****g worker.
They're overly-
P*****s
... emotionally available. Sometimes, suck it up.
Yeah. That's what I'm saying.
Sometimes you got to punch a n***a in his chest. Like, sometimes- ...
you don't need to talk about it.
I
completely understand what you're saying, and to that part, I agree.
I think kids nowadays, we have so much information available, they lean on that
more than anything, and I think that there needs to be a balance between
information, retaining it, using it, and still being a hard worker.
I was having a conversation with my daughter one time, and I was talking about her
work acumen, and she called out from work. I'm like, "Yo, you be calling.
You ain't got enough money, you calling off to hang with your friends." She was
like, "I mean, why would I be excited about going to a job that's never going to
pay me enough money to be able to afford a house?"
Oof.
And I was like-
Uh-oh
... "Yeah, that's right. You dead a*s right."
I get that. I'm in the same position, though.
Yeah.
But here's the thing, I might not have a house.
I might be able to afford a nice-ass condo, or I can move out of state, and I can
afford a house. Yes, you might not be able to live the specific dream that you had
initially when you cooked it up, but you can alter it and still achieve the goals
that you want to. And eventually, if you get a house in another state, and you just
keep saving in the other state, you might save up to be able to put down on a house
in the place that you originally wanted, or at least a vacation home.
Well, the problem is we were raised with the American dream being still a delusion.
We thought it was going to be possible.
We still thought all these things were achievable.
We seen Barack Obama be president, and it was like, "Whoa, that's so crazy for us."
Mm-hmm.
However, these kids are being raised and told straight to their face, "All this
s**t is on fire."
Yeah.
And all the information that we had hidden from us, like when the housing market
crashed-
Mm-hmm
... I had no clue-
Okay
... what was going on.
Right.
But everybody else knew. All the adults know all the s**t, and that's not being-
We have stopped telling the kids-
Yeah
... the s**t is on fire.
No, I don't think we have to anymore. They see it.
It's the social media, yeah.
I think that the idea of the dream and the American dream for us growing up,
especially as people of color, was always there, but we also understood that that
dream and that path to that dream wasn't necessarily for us.
Because I was always told as a Black man, I got to work twice as hard as my
counterparts.
Right.
So yeah, you got access to the American dream.
You just got to go through the back door, take the steps up, can't use the
elevator. You also have to use used books and hope that all the pages are in that
chapter for you to study and be able to be ready for the quizzes of life.
But yeah, you still have access to it, and that's still what it is.
Mm-hmm.
Unless you're a nepo kid or you come from money, that
path to that American dream is not fully accessible to you.
You have to figure out a different route to get to it, but it's there.
But it's also like, it's the illusion of ignorance is bliss.
If you give people something to work toward, they'll work.
Mm-hmm.
Right? We all did that. Even with college, I don't think my
education was the most valuable tool I got from college.
I think it was my problem-solving skills.
I think it became the network of friends and contacts that I made when I was there.
I think it became the ability to be on my own, and problem solve,
and budget on my own without that safety net of parents, or friends, or family to
be there for me to take care of s**t. That's what I got from college.
Those are the useful life skills that I'm still grasping for today when I have a
problem, not necessarily finite math. You know what I mean?
What was your major?
My major was business administration with an emphasis on entrepreneurship and a
minor in marketing.
Ooh.
Wait, it was what?
Business administration with an emphasis on entrepreneurship.
So basically, business classes.
Okay.
Learning about finite math, learning about interest rates, learning about scale,
learning about demand and supply, all of that type of stuff.
That sounds useful.
Yeah. It's definitely useful.
As far as sales forecasting and creating a business plan, absolutely.
But who in entertainment, for the most part right now, is creating a business plan
to be a comedian?
You.
No.
You.
No, we're not. We're so far removed from the things that were
necessary for business years ago.
You don't think that your structure and foundation of college, your education in
business, has set you up to be far ahead of your peers who have no education in
business?
I think
I have access of knowledge of certain tools that they may learn eventually later on
in life, but I still think that life is the best teacher.
I can go into any job in entertainment with the knowledge that I have, but there's
still going to be a learning curve for the way this business handles their
business. I can have all of that knowledge, be like, "Yeah, we don't do any of that
s**t. So, what I need you to do is we're going to take these emails, we're going to
cold email people to see where they are in their career, and if they want to sign
up and do commercials with us, or sign up with us." This level of business
is completely separate from what I learned in college.
What was more helpful for me is when I worked at DirecTV for three months before I
went back on tour, and I learned stuff like how to sell to strangers.
Mm-hmm.
How to disarm strangers. You know, you try to sell somebody something, you keep
saying, "Sir, ma'am, sir, ma'am," they only hear that s**t because you already feel
like an opposing force.
Mm.
But if I learn your name early on, "Hey, what's your name?" "Callie." "Oh, what's
up, Callie? Oh, I like that name. Is that with a K or a C?" "Oh, it's with a K."
"Oh, s**t, where you from originally?" "What? I got family out there.
I used to go there every summer and spend the summers with my grandparents.
We went to this little lake." But anyway, you don't want to hear all of that.
Now I've disarmed you. Now I feel like a friend.
Now I don't feel like such a threat that's trying to sell you something.
Mm.
And I think that is way more useful than a lot of s**t that I learned in college.
How so?
Because even, it doesn't matter what profession that you're in,
you're in f*****g sales. You're an influencer?
You're trying to sell people on whatever you putting on your page.
To stay there more, to watch it, to subscribe, to follow, to check you out on
Twitch, to check you out on Facebook.
If you got shoes, you're trying to sell people your shoes. I'm a comedian.
I'm trying to sell y'all tickets. I'm trying to sell y'all time to watch these
videos, these sketches, and these reaction videos so you believe that when I start
selling these tickets, I am worth that investment, and that time, and that money,
and that energy.
Mm.
We are all in sales, and I think everybody should have a sales job because you will
learn a lot about how to talk with people, how to win them over.
So, I'm going to get off my high horse right now. I'm to hear more.
Talking about the outro. I'm Patrick Claxton.
And this is another episode of "Tell Me That You Scary."
Ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, damn, Callie, you scary.
Hey, today's guest is Callie Scott.
She is an entertainer, comedian, writer, a public speaker, a mom, which I found
out, like, three years after we were already f*****g friends- ...
because she kept that completely separate side life. You understand me?
But an amazing friend to the pod, and an amazing friend to me as well.
Ladies and gentlemen, Callie Scott.
Ba, ba, ba,
ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba.
Thank you.
What's up, n***a?
Hey. I come from the clapping.
Coming in here looking like a thick-ass Wilma. Wilma!
We need a real n***a to say your name.
All that, "Wilma!" It's like, "Hey, Wilma." "What the f**k going on though,
shorty?"
I'm used to doing the flirting.
Mm-hmm.
And when I get flirted with, I clam up.
You're just like-
Yeah.
I'm like, "Oh, hey."
"Hey, Wilma."
I feel that. I'm used to eating a*s.
When somebody else gets me, I be like, "Whoa."
Wow.
Huh.
Crazy. Crazy flip of the coin.
Hey, man, listen, I thought we were just sharing the things that make us-
I hate that women are doing that.
Really?
I hate it. I hate it so bad.
Why?
I hate it.
Coming from a caveman.
I hate it so bad.
I hate it.
They was eating nothing but a*s back then.
That's horrible. Horrible.
Why is it horrible?
It's just man butt is just... Like, if you eating girl butt, all right.
You know what? It's all hair down there. It's Bath & Body Works at the worst.
Mm-hmm.
But like, that's Axe body wash.
No, it's not. Not necessarily. First of all, not every man uses that.
And also, for me, I found out late in the game that there are women that enjoy
giving fellatio. They get turned on by it.
That's in the front.
Hold on. Let me finish.
I'm still buzzing.
Goddamn, I'm still adding ingredients and you already looking for a plate.
That's in the back.
Let me cook. Let me cook, right? There are women that get turned on for giving
fellatio. Who's to say there ain't women out there whose nipples get hard when she
look at a little a*****e? You know what I mean?
I mean-
She like the way-
... she works it
... them balls closed against her cheeks and she gets that
.
Yeah. Where's your primal instinct?
In the trash.
It's gone.
It's only here for breathing purposes. All right. Do it.
Oh, man.
Preference.
Preference, preference.
First of all, man, and some people like it.
And then there's a lot of guys out here who take pride in their cleanliness, right,
and their hygiene. I am one of those guys. I don't take no quick showers.
I need to know what I'm doing, so I got to rush my shower, because after I get out
the shower, I got to cool down.
What?
I got to be able to cool down before I even put on the body butter, the shea
butter, or the oil.
What you mean cool down?
I got to let my internal temperature cool off after I get out the shower.
You don't just go right into it?
Take a cold-
What?
After, like, drying off and then going-
No, because my body's still hot. If you... Here's the thing.
You get out the hot shower-
You sit out like a steak.
I do. I got to rest on-
You got to rest on a plate.
I have a chaise on the side of my bed, and I sit on the chaise like this, and I
cool my body down first with the fan on.
He airs himself out. That's crazy.
Yeah. I set that Dyson right in front of me and I cool my whole body down, and then
I moisturize.
You know the option is, you could turn the shower down so you're not in there
broiling.
So, you want me to take a mid-temperature shower?
But, okay, so like, I'm just saying-
But you was just complaining about n****s being dirty
... take a warm shower. But you can-
You was just complaining about n****s being dirty
... you can turn the temperature. Like, when you're getting out-
But we know the hotter temperature kills the germs
... right. And then-
You like eating that a*s
... that's crazy.
That's crazy to me.
I don't like eating any a*s, on the record. Don't even ask me.
You will not be getting no c*****e.
Yeah, I can tell, you not-
No c*****e.
You got to speak into the mic. Hey, oh.
Yeah.
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You hit flow state there, huh?
Hey, man, I was in a m***********g zone, baby. I was in a m***********g zone, baby.
I didn't think anything was about to donkey Kong.
Yeah.
That was crazy. That was like-
Real n***a s**t
... wow. Terms and conditions.
Hey, let me ask y'all a question.
You break up with somebody,
are they allowed to go to any place you took them to, you introduced them to?
And are you allowed to go to any place they introduced you to?
I'm going to give y'all some time to think, and I'm going to give y'all my claim.
Okay.
All right? My thing is, you can't go anywhere I took you to if I
paid.
I can go to any place you took me to. You introduced me-
Oh, that's a recommendation
... yeah, because I paid. Now, if you paid when we went to that place I introduced
you to, by all means.
It's yours.
Right? But if I see you in that place and I paid the tab every time when I see you
in there, I'm acting a fool.
Oh, it's "I'm acting a fool." What if it was
sent back and forth in a reel first before y'all went?
Mm.
Does it matter who found the location via reel?
Whoever sent it is the person that found it.
Okay. So, then that's... Hmm.
So wait, if you're paying, if she introduces you to a place-
Uh-huh
... and you pay for the place-
It's my place
...
you stealing the place.
It's my place.
But you wouldn't have known anything about it.
I don't give a f**k about you. You wouldn't know what the food taste like if it
wasn't for me.
You'd just be sitting looking at the reel talking about, "Oh, this s**t look good."
But if that was her place,
if that was a place she frequents, and she was like-
Okay
... "Baby, let's go to my spot."
All right. Right. Okay, that's what I'm saying.
If she introduced it to me, right, and she was already frequenting it-
Okay
... I'll let you get that.
Okay.
That's your s**t right there, right?
Okay.
You know what I mean? So, what you don't know is I still got your location on my
iPad, so I'll see if you there, b***h.
And I'll just go when you ain't there if I like the s**t.
If the calamari buzzing like a m**********r, I'm going to that m**********r.
I'm just making sure you ain't going there.
I think it matters, like you said, if she went there before you and she was like,
"I go here all the time," it's her spot.
Yeah.
Yeah.
If you guys went for the first time, and it was her suggestion, I think it's up for
grabs.
Yeah. If I paid, it's up for me. And here's the thing, I'm going to be 100% honest
with you. A lot of people like me, so even if it was your regular spot, and they
like me more-
Uh-huh
... this is my spot now.
No.
This is my chairs. This is my chair.
They know when I walk in, they're like, "Damn, look at it's me."
That's crazy.
They don't even f**k with you like that. You don't tip good.
You always got a problem with the service and s**t.
Clutching your eyes with these b*****s talking about, "Oh, these b*****s think they
cute." These b*****s is cute.
That's why they servers. You ain't have no ugly a*s servers, because they don't put
you in the mood for food. You got this Magilla Gorilla m**********r trying to tell
me about the specials. The special is you need a mask.
The special is you walking around this m**********r without a gun pointed to you.
I got rules in place with my ex.
Your what?
I got rules in place. So, being from LA is a unique situation, right?
So, we got rules. So, I don't be in his city on dates unless I'm with someone who
can fight.
Wait. Hilarious. Wait. He's in LA, though?
Yeah.
So what do you mean his city? Like, his part of the city?
Well, he's in Santa Monica specifically.
Okay.
So that's where he's at right now.
Okay.
But he a LA dude.
Mm-hmm.
So,
generally speaking, I can be anywhere within all this LA, right?
Mm-hmm.
But if I'm in Santa Monica specifically-
Right
... I know there's a high chance we might bump into each other.
And if I'm on a date-
You got to be a Power Ranger.
I got to be. I mean, I hope you can fight, sir. And I've done it.
I feel like anybody in Santa Monica that's repping Santa Monica, I ain't got to
worry too much about.
Physically.
I don't-
And if the n***a big like that, I ain't got no problem calling the cops.
Could've been relocated, yeah.
I ain't got no problem calling the...
You ought to understand, you get to a certain point where you realize, "I can't be
lying on the glass no more." I might be one n***a, and I bite another n***a to get
him to stop and get up off of me. He going to get some good hits in, though, before
I bite him. But I'm going to bite the f**k out of this n***a. That's where I'm at.
So if that n***a, if he walking up, I'm like, "Hmm, what's that going to be?" I'm
just go ahead and call the cops already. I'm going to report that n***a like Karen.
But the vice versa of it all is he's not allowed to be above the 10, like on a
date.
See, why does everything above the 10? He only in Santa Monica.
Above the 10, or a 10?
Above the 10.
This is the s**t I be talking about, women are selfish.
Yeah. Oh, well, I don't want to see you because you weren't up here before we
started dating.
Okay. He was always a stay-in-his-area type of n***a.
Yeah.
Okay.
So don't come up here now.
Has he been out the country? I feel like that's the type of n***a that never been
out the country.
He hasn't. But also-
Don't think he dangerous
... he's come to my spots, and I've been like, "What's up with you?
You know the rules."
Yeah.
Like, "Don't come up here." And he came and specifically celebrated his birthday at
one of my spots. I walked in his section, his homies was like, "Mm."
You were there?
Yeah.
He looking for another you.
First of all, I forgot it was his birthday. We not together no more.
I forgot everything that had to do with you.
Same time, yeah. He's kind of crazy.
Yeah. He looking for another you. He's not going to make the same mistake twice.
Wilma.
What? Nothing would p**s me off more.
So I walked in the section, walked straight up to him in the lap, because I'm like-
Yeah, in his lap?
... on his birthday.
Wait, you sat on his lap?
No, he was sitting up on top of a couch-
Uh-huh
... which also I hate as a man. But he was sitting up on-
No, I was sitting on the couch
... because that's where the bad b*****s sit. What are you doing up there?
I mean, b***h, I am a bad b***h.
We can't have nothing.
First of all-
You want to sit on the couch?
... you know what I'm saying? Any n***a that takes pride in the way he looks and
his clothes, and his upkeep, upset clothes, understanding that chicks be sitting up
there, that means that their feet are on the f*****g seats.
You think I want to sit right here with all these fake a*s-
That's true
... Louboutins and s**t-
And you get secure-
... that have s**t. You don't want that.
... the ground.
I had the bathroom nasty. So you think I want to sit my brand new jeans on this
dusty a*s b***h-
That's crazy
... a*s couch. I'm sitting up here with the bad b*****s. Screw it over, b***h.
I never thought about it like that.
Screw it over, b***h. Let me get me a mimosa, too. Let me get me a Paloma.
Get me some hookah.
Yeah. Let me get a tip so I get that hookah. Where the good tips at?
They sit on that m***********g b***h.
Y'all get to be elevated while I pay everything.
You out your rabbit a*s mind, b***h. Let me get up here.
I want to get in some of these pictures, too, b***h. Yeah.
So, wait, what happened?
I walked up there, I got in his lap, and I said, "What's up?" And he was like,
"Hey." I said, "What you doing in here?
You know better." He was like, "Man." I said, "Happy birthday." I said, "You got a
b***h in here?" And he was like, "Nah." I said, "Oh, okay." Because you know
better. And it's like-
Why can't he have a b***h? He
can bring a b***h in the booth
... well, you're not supposed to be here. We in my room.
What about the new b***h from
here? I got to tell her no too?
Yes.
Wait, wait, wait. He can't even go there with his homeboys, then?
Well, he was in there with his homeboys.
So it's cool.
So I let it slide.
You let it slide.
Let it slide.
Don't let this happen again.
Were you there with a n***a?
No.
See? Lies. Lies.
But what about the conversation?
But I was in there backing. I was in there getting it.
She was in there with Barney.
Okay, I'll tell you this, right? The n***a said, "Oh, I seen you was on stage
grinding on a n***a." And I said, "Yeah, because this is my spot."
This
is the same conversation?
This was the same day.
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that she at.
That's a crazy transition.
Making me out a villain in the ad is crazy.
It going to make you a villain? Or am I just telling it like it is?
See, your perspective is skewed, okay?
I mean, that could be true, but whose is it?
When you're talking about another person.
The craziest part is I seen you that night.
When I seen him at the club and it was his birthday, you was there-
Huh?
... and you was like, "Are you good?" We wouldn't even have to have that
conversation if he wasn't where he wasn't supposed to be.
Wait, wait. What club was we at?
It was at
Monday Night Vibes.
That's what I thought you was going to say.
Yeah. He didn't ought to be there.
Yeah.
He don't even look like the kind of I need to be with.
No, he absolutely is not the I'd be... Monday Night Vibes has turned into...
You know the place that used to be a lot of fun and like that?
Because, and I'll say this. It's lit.
Last night, shout out to all the homies over there at Monday Night Vibes.
You was, he was last night?
Last night. Last night was the eight-year anniversary.
Last night was the eight-year anniversary, so shout out to them.
Doing a Monday night is crazy. Doing a Monday night for eight years is insane.
Doing a Monday night with karaoke for eight years is-
That's crazy
... mind-boggling.
And they didn't have to.
And they have everybody come through. Chance goes there regularly.
Damn.
A lot of the actors. RJ Walker goes there regularly.
He's from "Harder They Fall."
Mm-hmm.
A lot of people be in there, bro. And it's just a chill vibe. Actors is there.
Me and Omar Dorsey hang out there. A lot of the Wayans hanging out there.
It's a good a*s vibe.
Hmm.
And they do be some in there. It do be some in there, but they be chill for the
most part. They get in the section. They will get a section.
They'll get a couple bottles. Chicks go up. They smoking weed. They doing hookah.
It's a good time. Let that do it. Let-
You seen the and you was literally like...
When I says I'm bougie and I judge .
Because he wasn't supposed to be there.
Well, it don't matter. If you embarrassed by him, you shouldn't have been him.
I made a mistake, and I'm not above-
Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah
... I'm not above admitting that. Look, accountability.
I hear you. But you keep making the same mistake because you ain't tripping and
falling with the
He was paying my rent.
Oh, well then just, you, okay, that's how the game go.
Damn.
You was in the game for a minute.
Damn.
You got subbed out.
And now I'm ashamed.
You got ashamed.
I'm not ashamed.
Hey, listen, you got your rent paid for how many months? Two, three, four months?
that's a win.
We call that a hobo section.
You could've stacked up that money and you could've bought you a if you want.
He didn't live with me. He was just paying my rent.
Yeah.
He doesn't even live there.
No, I mean-
He was a great person for a little bit.
He a terrible
though.
He be like his vagina though.
It be like his... I mean, before in my life, I done had some great vagina for some
people I absolutely despised.
Damn. Hatred during or after?
I
don't want to talk to this person. Do not enjoy talking to them, phone, via text,
or anything. Just good vajan.
Vajan?
Vajan mustard.
At least-
It was the best vajan mustard
... that's better than bijan.
Bijan mustard. Excuse me, do you have any great vajan?
Do you have any bijan mustard?
Ah. That's what we call the good c*****e now.
Vajan.
Great vajan.
Vajan. I like that.
Sounds like it goes with sauerkraut. I don't like that.
No, no, no. No, baby, it goes with the finest calamari.
Sauerkraut's good.
The finest calamari.
You on a calamari kick today.
I do enjoy it.
We got-
I do enjoy some good calamari. I will-
Yeah
... do that. You don't like calamari?
Not anymore.
What?
What?
Because I don't know if this is true, but there's a myth that people who are,
restaurants that are too cheap to have calamari be using pig anus, and they just
chop it. Can you imagine like-
It's not even that much anus
... boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.
You talking about intestines?
Like a, you know the ring of the pig booty hole?
But that's not even that much anus to be using.
How do you know?
That's anus-
How long a pig anus is?
Mm.
Anus is-
If it was this big, that's at least one app.
That's one calamari app
Into rings. So I just, I don't know.
You talk about you don't want to eat butt, but you out here eating calamari.
Man.
Crazy.
That's crazy.
Pig butt.
Put your mouth on something, huh?
Out here eating piggy booty.
Somebody getting that booty hole ate.
Somebody getting that booty hole ate, baby.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Somebody eats the butt, babe.
And you know who it is. Somebody eat your
butt.
Wilma.
Hey, hey, hey. Somebody eats that booty.
And you know who it is. I eat butt too, though.
When you clip this, add in a, "I don't eat butt."
Well-
Regularly
... at all. Never, ever did it.
Through the week. But the weekends-
Cut that part out. Cut that part out
... if you give that booty to her by Friday at 8:59, it can be eaten by Friday at
11:00 PM.
I will say-
At that rate
... if you marry me, I may try it.
See, that is spoken like a true booty hole eater.
Yeah.
She's like, "I'm just waiting to get off the starting line."
She won't promise you something. Yeah, who going to promise you something that they
don't know is good, that they're good at-
I don't even want to try it
... after you married.
Because as a wife, I want to just, one butt lip. You know what I mean?
I don't want to have many anuses on these lips.
No, but-
I want really nice lips
... yeah.
And I can't just be out here eating everybody lip. What if I get a little limp lip?
I can't do that.
Well, I mean, you could get that from the front too.
Yeah, you really could.
And now we know that you just at the starting line like this of eating butt-
I'm not
... and you're just waiting for that starter pistol.
I'm not. I'm not.
She going to eat that butt.
I won't.
Soon as you get married, pew.
She go, "I'm going to do my research.
I'm finna find everything you talk to." I'm like, "Callie eat your butt?" "Oh, you
can ask them all." "You can ask them all."
That's why that showed up on his birthday looking for you.
I don't eat no butt.
He went straight to the lab and opened it up.
"What you doing here?" He was like-
He ate no a*s
... "Hell yeah."
All right, we got to talk one story.
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Mm-hmm.
You might find the right guy, you know what I'm saying?
Power up. What is your costume? Are you a snitch?
Did I fail that miserably?
Oh, you a snitch.
What? I want to know-
Wow
... I want to know how you came to the snitching.
Because you just look like a plain-clothed detective. You look like...
So you couldn't even say detective?
Why I got to look like the n***a that's snitching?
First of all, you could've said undercover.
Could've said undercover.
You could've just said a cop, because you see the straps around, you know that
means that's a holster. So you know law enforcement to some degree or a killer.
No, honestly-
You could've been a killer
... the way holsters are wallet accessories now, that's actually fashion.
So you can be anything.
Yeah, I done seen n****s doing that, and I don't like what he doing.
Honestly, I don't understand.
Those look like they beat the s**t out of people.
Oh, yeah, feel them.
Those beat the s**t out of people.
Okay.
Leave it for the judge. I am Leon Kennedy.
She don't know who that is.
You know Leon Kennedy.
Oh, the guy.
See, no, it's from Resident Evil.
Oh, okay.
It's a video game about zombies and killing zombies.
The white guy?
The white guy? Yeah.
You play him when you do it at the arcade, yeah, mm-hmm.
You play him when you do it at the arcade. That's him.
That's him. And for those that are residents in a Southern California
neighborhood, you may be on high alert because an illegal four to
five-foot-long Gaboon viper was spotted loose in a Santa Ana tree.
Authorities still don't know who owns the African reptile, which boasts the longest
fangs and highest venom yield of any venomous snake.
Damn.
Unlike many snakes that strike and retreat, this predator is known to hold onto its
prey until it dies.
They're probably all women or female snakes.
Police are warning locals to keep their distance and immediately report any
sightings. Don't start no s**t, just let me have that one.
Why is there so many animals coming over from overseas? Who's doing this?
Who's bringing snakes from Africa?
I remember that we had a story where someone was caught with a bunch of monkey
meat-
Yeah
... in the airport. There's people bringing bats over. What is happening?
Just keep s**t where it is.
Guys doing add-ons. You know, you get the update in Fortnite-
Gaboon
... and you got extra skins and-
It's DLC
... yeah, you just putting that in, it was like, "Hey, by the way, I meant to do
this two years ago, man."
What's crazy-
Gaboon is a silly name for it to be so venomous.
What, the Gaboon?
Right.
Yeah, why you got to-
It says the most venomous.
Right.
So how have we never heard of a Gaboon viper?
Because we're not supposed to be in Africa.
Well, first of all, it's an African snake. It's an African reptile.
Right.
We should've never heard of that.
I'm still finding about new animals and insects in Australia.
Mm-hmm.
I shouldn't know that. I already knew I wasn't going over there.
I don't need to know the new names of all of that s**t.
Yeah.
I need nothing to do with that.
No way.
And this s**t says it strikes you, so let's say it's wrapped around you.
Mm-hmm.
Bites you, longest fang of any reptile, right?
Mm-hmm.
Boom, fang, and then it's going to look at you-
Just watch you
... and watch life fade out of your eyes. That's a serial killer.
Yeah.
It's horrible.
That's a f*****g serial killer.
It didn't say that they caught him.
No, it's not caught. It's still on the loose.
Right.
4 to 5 feet long.
Hmm.
It was just spotted.
I don't like that.
I don't like that.
Real image, stock image. Okay.
I had a snake growing up, and-
Really?
I did. I had a California king snake, which is, fun fact, they have a tail that
makes the same sound as rattlesnakes, and they eat rattlesnakes.
They are-
Are they venomous?
They are not venomous
... That is confusing.
How the f**k you going to suck on a venomous snake and you ain't even got that type
of power?
What are they, constrictors?
What the f**k do you think they are?
Oh, they are constrictors, yeah.
So then what's that mean? They wrap around?
They wrap. Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm. So I can only imagine watching him kill mice and
things, that
sucks, right?
Mm-hmm. It turn you on?
No, I was also-
I thought you was trying to see how that s**t taste.
No.
Okay.
You could be into hyper asphyxiation.
I like a little choke.
Yeah, see?
Yeah.
Little snake.
No, but also, the venom makes different things happen in your body, so it depends
on what that venom is doing.
Mm-hmm.
If that venom is making your heart rate go up and you just hyper-aware now, you
dying worse.
Yeah.
Really?
Yeah.
Like-
Because you're aware of everything.
You feel your blood pressure go up, you feel your breath shortening, and you
might sense the loss of activity of your limbs and s**t like that.
That's anti-fun.
That's a crazy way to die, man.
Yeah, you can't just go to sleep.
To be totally aware? That's like when,
what was it? Law Abiding Citizen, when he got Dobbey, and he kidnapped him and took
him to that warehouse, and he had him tied up, and he squeezed the gun to try to
kill him, but that toxin went in him, so he was completely paralyzed-
Oh, damn
... but he still felt everything.
Ooh.
And then he hit him with the adrenaline.
So while he did all this crazy s**t, like saw off his eyebrows and break his toes
one at a time, and saw off his scrotum, he couldn't pass out because he had the
adrenaline coursing through his vein.
I just realized I didn't see this.
Couldn't pass out.
You didn't see Law Abiding Citizen with Jamie Foxx?
I must not have.
And Gerard Butler?
If he was getting nuts sawed off-
Yeah.
It was at the beginning of them, too. It was at the pretty early...
I mean, you saw Law Abiding Citizen.
Damn.
What's wrong with y'all, bro? I saw it on my phone-
I'm lame as hell
... dead homies, bro.
What?
You ain't seen it either? Say you ain't seen it either.
What?
You ain't seen it either?
You have on a dress. Don't act like you haven't seen last week's.
It's not a dress, it's a onesie.
I would also like to point out, as many times as you done had this onesie on, I
don't think anybody's complimented, you actually have a little cake in the back.
Thank you.
Yeah.
I lost a lot of-
That's not a compliment
... what I mean is that, man-
What?
That's not a compliment
... I like to be a full-figure man, you know what I'm saying?
I want to look good when I'm naked for my lady. You know what I'm saying?
I don't want no flat booty.
And that's the worst.
I ain't saying I want-
Flat.
Flat?
... I want butt out here, but I want that flat booty that just-
Big
... you know the white booty in jeans?
Sure, but you'd rather have a n***a with a fat a*s?
I'd rather have a fat a*s.
I got to say, I like a bounce to it.
Of course I want full figure.
But I need it to-
Huh?
I need you to have just a regular human anatomy of an a*s.
I have-
I hate seeing, many have that cute little hill-
Oh, the hang tail?
Yep. Ugh.
Yep.
That's crazy that he has the worst a*s of all time.
We said it at the exact same time.
Yeah.
That's the worst.
I done smashed a chick with that hang tail before.
Really?
Yeah.
From the back?
Doing it from the back was not fun, bro.
Why would you feel the-
You feel that butt bone.
Yeah.
You feel it more than normal in that pelvic region, and it's painful.
So you tried to discreetly turn her over, or you just was like, "I'm right here"?
I put her on the side. You got to put her on the side, and then put the legs on top
of each other, and then you come in from right here.
It eases a little bit, because the canal is usually in front of that, so you can
get away from that butt bone, and get into that cake.
Yeah, the butt bone.
That butt bone is-
It'll bruise you afterwards.
Ooh, it will.
Yeah, I know.
And you'll feel it the next day while you walking.
Yeah.
Be like, "Why the f**k is my pelvis area hurt?"
That's crazy.
I got this butt bone to tone your a*s up, baby.
Little booties matter.
You really don't want no dude with a fat a*s, though. That's irritating.
I would think that's what it's going to be doing.
Yeah. This is-
And they always got a fat a*s and it's high. Men be having high booties.
That's so irritating.
Deion, his is wide. Deion booty is like a bumper on a 70s Cadillac, because Deion
all the way around.
It's evenly distributed a*s.
Yeah.
Right.
The ratio is real proper. It's almost unsettling.
I don't really-
It's not almost unsettling, it's unsettling.
By how you guys are describing it, it's unsettling.
It's unsettling.
Yeah.
For
real. Deion can't ever go to jail. He cannot ever go to jail.
That n***a would not last an hour.
That n***a would not last. They would tear his little milk dud a*s up.
That n***a look like a thick Easter bunny.
He always forces me to hug up above.
Because you try to hug below his waist?
Yeah.
You try to rape on his booty?
No, I just like-
You wilding. You sick in the head
... I think he only wants a hug, and I think he's been traumatized because he
always makes people, the girls, he always makes them put their...
You got to hug him up here.
Mm-hmm.
He ain't going to let you hold him at the bottom.
Hold him at the bottom is wild. All this would make me-
I know Brian going to grab it.
If this conversation was ever being told about
me
I've seen Pat slide out of so many airplane chairs.
He's like an 8B, just slides on out, he's got a booty to hold him in place.
I'm okay with it.
Yeah.
My slider's right in the middle. I don't have any booty. I don't have...
I don't know, it's just right in the middle. Just default.
You got to be one of those cowgirls with the tall boots.
Default booty. Wow.
You don't feel conscious when you get out of the bed with a girl, you're not
wrapping a blanket around you?
Because I think my a*s is big or small?
I mean, small.
No, I think it's default a*s. Like, stock.
It's just stock?
Yeah, right off the assembly line. Just nothing added, nothing taken away.
Yeah, no lunches.
Salt and pepper booty.
How you think your booty is?
Mine? It's all right. I lead from the front.
You lead?
I lead from the front.
You lean or you lead?
Lead.
Lead.
She lead titty first. And she's like, "Oh, but trust and believe, up under these
titties-
She try to walk around like, "Hang on, hang on"
... is Honey Kichanjis."
Hang on, hang on.
What you looking? What you trying to see?
What you getting out the bed like this, "Hey, so what you finna do?"
He like, "Turn around, let me see the other thing.
Nah, nah, nah, nah, never mind."
See, I just have a nice under, you know what I mean?
I wish it popped out the top a little bit.
Is it, there's a cup at the bottom?
It do, it's a little-
So you got the heart drop. You got the upside-down heart booty.
Yeah, I don't got the J.Lo onion. It ain't like a bunch down there.
There's no top?
It's there, but it's not-
It's kind of slow.
Yeah.
You know n****s that don't have that at the top of the head?
So they're bald. They shaped like balls.
What you got going on?
Whoa.
Whoa.
Whoa.
What you-
Just hang low, sweet chariot.
Whoa.
So, yeah.
Whoa. Off the line, n***a.
Stock booty and-
You said there's no top. You just said there's no top
I didn't say there's no top.
You just got booty holes.
There's top. It's not as... Some women have one of those magnificent, like, pow,
it's a*s there. You know what I'm saying?
Yeah.
Mine is just like, "Oh, it's a*s."
It built to it.
Yeah.
You got a mountain out your a*s.
It builds up.
If you love me-
It's not down sloping. There's no top
... you going to cup it and make me feel good. You know what I'm saying?
My a*s would be-
You going to be like, "Get in there"
... sloping. So it's got a little on the bottom.
It's not that much on the bottom.
My a*s has got a hell of a peak. It's almost like she's peaking.
Everybody hold on. Hold on, hold on.
From like a Windows Media hell.
Hold on, hold on.
It's two teardrops. So imagine a teardrop, right?
Because it's a little something at the bottom.
Okay.
But it's like nothing.
Teardrop is good. Teardrop is good.
There's still some roundness at the top, it's just not overly-
You ever seen sand in a sock?
What you got going on?
Chicken out of order.
You know-
The slope is too big
... you know a McDonald's bag?
No, no.
Let's say if you got a McDonald's bag, you got two double cheeseburgers in the bag,
right?
Okay, so-
The top of the bag is holding it. There's nothing there.
No. You know how balloons come in different shapes?
You said what?
Balloons come in different shapes, right?
And they got the one that's more of a teardrop-y one.
Mm-hmm.
But if you like-
Before it's blown, when you hanging it like this.
What you doing?
I thought that's what you meant.
What you doing?
This table's full of just disrespect.
We're trying to get a vivid idea of what you're talking about. That's all I know.
Of the top.
And the lips.
And whatever's going on here is not going to be-
A real n***a would want to hold this though
... talked about like that.
A real n***a. A real n***a.
It's flat, see, when you do that, when you do that, it's flat.
A real n***a.
And I'm uncomfortable.
It's not a*s.
It's flat.
And if this was flat, if all of this was flat, oh, b***h, I'm finna tear the sides
up. I'm finna f**k this garage up.
Listen,
it's a wrecking ball going into a mouse hole, if this is my d**k flaccid.
You understand me?
That's violent. That's violent.
A wrecking ball going into-
In a mouse hole?
... Jerry the mouse's hole?
Yeah, that sounds painful.
Oh, b***h, you crazy. You don't want this to be me flaccid.
If I can roll this b***h up, it's like this, like that flaccid, this ain't even
hard-on, b***h. I got a Louisville Slugger.
You going to start sucking my d**k and die.
Standing this up next to the wall right here.
This a half chub, that's crazy.
That's crazy. This ain't even a half chub.
Look, this is-
Half chub.
This is all flac... Oh, b***h.
It's like Pennywise.
I can get a hard-on solid as your whole body just start slipping.
You crazy. You don't want this.
That's violence.
Don't nobody like... Listen, man, I done seen my fair share of porn.
I don't want no super big d**k, man. That look like a lot of work.
Agreed.
That look like a lot of work, man. The maintenance on that m**********r, bro.
Get your Speedo a*s over here.
Man, you got to sit down a certain way when you carrying more than 12 inches.
That's insane. That's a lot of d**k, man.
Contrary to popular belief, I think most big women have small vaginas.
I do, too.
I think bigger women have shallow vaginas.
Mm-hmm.
I think skinny women have canals.
Yeah. There's a lot of room.
Their vaginas go to the center of the Earth.
Scientifically speaking-
M***********g canals
... I have a lot of mass pressing on a open hole.
Ah. That makes sense though.
So it caves the roof in.
You know what my, you know what my caves the roof in is like?
Hey, man, you got it all caving in there, you know?
Yeah, when it come out, it's like, it's like a lunchbox.
Wait, that's the sound it make when the d**k come out of your vagina?
Oh, you got that tight glove.
Go right back.
It's hilarious.
All right. Well, good for you. Keep putting that apple cider-
It's like when you come above the tip.
Keep putting that apple cider vinegar in your bath water, because that's what
that's from, right there.
Don't nobody do that. Don't do that, young ladies. Don't do that.
Give me that snap back.
Don't do that.
That apple cider vinegar. I used to drink it cat full every morning.
You got it or you don't, all right? This came from my great mammies, all right?
This ain't-
I didn't know grandmama passed down tight t**t.
Hey, y'all know what kind of property?
She was one of the first African American women to own property in California.
Really?
Yeah, this good vagina. This come from good stock.
T**t? What?
Good stock.
What? Well, hey, man, there it is. Well, listen, we got to get ready to get up out
of here.
My undercarriage is hot in this goddamn thing, so we got to get...
I'm not here for the judgment. Okay, tear drop?
Undercarriage is actually a good word.
What you got going on?
I'm just saying, from what we were describing earlier.
What you got going on?
You got like-
You got to keep using, "What you got going on?" That is the equivalent to, "I know
you f*****g lying." "What you got going on?" And the way you do slide it in, very
smooth like.
What you got going on?
That's a professional, "B***h, is you cool?"
It's a good jingle.
How the hell did that get in here?
Put that on a T-shirt.
Catchphrase.
You know what else do it?
Got it.
What you got going on?
What you got going on?
What you actually got going on, though? It's October. You got any shows coming up?
It is.
Let the people know, man.
I will be in Chandler, Arizona-
Drop the location
... I'll be in Chandler, Arizona at Mic Drop Comedy on October the 17th.
I'll actually also be there this weekend, if you want to come and learn my
skillsets of growing your audience, and social media, and all the things that I
teach. You can come learn from your girl.
I'm thinking about getting back on having a foot page, but here's the thing, my
face not going to be on it. Don't get in my DMs asking.
What's the foot page?
You know it's me, I know it's me.
Foot.
My feet's so cute.
Foot, okay.
My feet are so pretty.
Okay.
So pretty. And I don't want to talk a lot, so do you want these feet pictures or
not?
That's what I got. Oh, also, I got my website, calliescott.com.
Follow me on all the things.
With a K or a C?
With a K.
There it is.
Yes, sir.
All right. Pat, you got anything you want to tell the people, remind them about?
Yes, happy Halloween. Spooky season has started, so I'm going to be streaming a lot
of horror games. Also, make sure you check out Era. Subscribe to that new channel.
It's a new roasting show I got coming out this holiday season, Elite Roasting
Arena. Check it out.
And make sure you check us out. If you're going to the LA Comic-Con, we're going to
be there October 31st. We'll
put
it in the
description what time we're actually doing Scaryoke at the LA
Comic-Con. It's a big f*****g deal, guys.
We're at a
con, doing karaoke, AKA Scaryoke. Our first time.
Yeah.
So we want y'all to come on out, man.
We might put somewhere
where you can sign up for it, so we can get the sign-up going beforehand.
But it's a big deal. Also, you can check me out in Chandler, Arizona.
Well, actually, check me out first
in San Diego. That's going to be October 17th to
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