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Hello and welcome to Revolutionize Your Love Life.

Do you want to know more about love relationships?

What makes them work?

How to create the one of your best dreams?

Do you want to be in a really healthy,

juicy love relationship?

In these podcasts, we will give ideas and

practical advice to light your way.

Whether you're looking for a love partner,

already in a relationship, you wish could be better.

Or leaving one that has run its course.

There will be something to inspire, empower and support you.

Revolutionize Your Love Life is a fortnightly podcast where you will access

the knowledge and wisdom of love experts and

relationship coaches from across the world to help you find true fulfillment in love.

I am your host, Heather Garbett.

Welcome.

Ignoring analysis is the best way to reduce their power over you.

Because they constantly want to control you,

manipulate you so you really can't ignore them.

Because they want you to be emotional because your emotions give them the energy.

And actually the weapon how they can manipulate you and humiliate you.

So ignoring the narcissist is the first step and foundation for

your healing and getting out of it.

There, narcissistic control.

I'm Eva Andrisson.

I'm a relationship coach.

And today I'm here with Hedger Garbett.

Yes, I'm Heather Garbett.

I'm a relationship coach too and a psychotherapist of 40 years.

Together we form quite a team and we're working on this area now

of narcissistic abuse and narcissistic control.

Yeah.

So ignoring narcissist is really important step on your way to get out,

get out of their control.

Yeah, because they always try to get you, punish you,

manipulate you, control you and they love your emotions.

If you are emotional or even hysterical, they just feel good inside because they got you.

So when you start to ignore them,

it's actually one of the ways how to lose their control,

how to lose their power over you.

But the thing is you need to do it really consciously.

You need to do it even from your true self, from your center.

Because if you don't do it from this place,

but if you do it more from like the,

it like from the pain, but painful pace inside of you,

they will get you again because they will do anything

to get you back to the game.

Yeah, the pain is the best way to manipulate you,

keeping you confused, gaslighting you.

That's the beginning part, telling you that your reality that you know

and you experience is not the case.

So they get power over telling you your reality isn't yours

and that you must be really crazy if that's what you believe.

So that's the way they get in first.

I think I just might like to backtrack a bit

because I think there's more than one sort of narcissist.

And there's the helpless one who really is a victim in themselves.

They just haven't got a clue how to live life.

So they'll be clinging on to you as an empathic carer,

making you responsible for everything,

for living their lives, for earning the money,

for organizing everything like a child.

And they can be just as vicious because they're working from fear as well.

But it comes from a different place.

And ignoring them is the right thing there too.

But I just want to understand that.

Not everybody is like the other sort,

which is the one we're more talking about today,

which are the more vindictive, land grabbing,

controlling, bullying narcissists who really just

thrive on the power of seeing you squirm.

The other ones want you to squirm so that you won't leave them.

And they won't have to grow up and take responsibility.

These ones do it for the pleasure of it.

Yeah, it's so important to get there are many types of narcissists

who sometimes people are a bit confused

about if their partner is narcissist or not.

Because also to cover narcissists,

they can be actually very successful in their job.

But they really manipulate from behind.

They have very strong passive aggression.

But it's also very, very dangerous.

And usually they're very good, so good from outside.

Like they have good name or they are for people outside.

They are humble.

If you tell them that they punish you or anybody,

nobody would even trust you or believe you

because they really care for their reputation.

Yeah, so sometimes really dangerous or sometimes you don't know.

And the thing is, it doesn't matter

if a person is narcissist or not.

The most important is if you can live with this person,

if you feel happy with them.

Because if you feel that you have fear all the time inside

of your feeling obligations or some guilt all the time,

it's not good for you.

No.

It will eat you up.

The chances are you are a loving, caring person

because you're responding to somebody else

really putting their needs first.

So you'll want to look after them.

You'll want to give.

And they can use that too to guilt you.

I think it's likely that you share some childhood wounds.

You may be more conscious of yours than they are of theirs.

Or it may be obvious that they've had a terrible upbringing.

But the way that you've dealt with it may be different.

You've dealt with it by being a caring, empathic, reflective

person looking out for other people,

denying your feelings to care for somebody else.

They've gone to the other side where their feelings matter

more than anybody else's.

And they're going to land grab control.

I think we've got some examples of that in the world

at the moment.

The land grabbers are very visible in different ways

all over the world.

Yeah.

So they really want you to get you to really like they want you

occupied your life by them.

So it's the reason it's at the beginning of this relationship

you feel that it's very intense because they

love when you think all the time about them.

If you do everything for them, if you just don't think

about anybody else because it's feeding them

that your old word is about them.

Because it's their thing how they control you and manipulate you.

So when you start to ignore them, it would be like it's a bit

hurting them because they want to be visible.

They want to be admired.

They want you to be like their slave sometimes even like this.

Many women before I work feels like they need to do everything

in household.

Like it's all they always tell them it's work for women.

So they are confused and they are feeling wrong or bad if they

don't do it because they know what it's good for you always in

this way.

Yeah.

So they take the authority.

Yes.

They take the authority and the most painful for me is that

when I hear the sharing of people, they don't care about them

when you are ill or when you are sick.

They just leave you and go to see their friends.

Yeah.

It's so painful.

So painful to see those manifestations.

Yeah.

I want to go back to the ignoring now because I think that's

really the core of this talk we want to do today.

So we can see really how we've got to this place.

They've cut you off lightly from friends.

So they cut you off from any other source that would reinforce

your position and then they've really got you.

So you've got little else to do but ignore them and you can do it

really carefully, really consciously.

Just don't respond to their demands.

And it doesn't mean that you have to blanket.

You can just be assertive and say, yes, I understand and I'm

doing this.

Yes, I understand and not now.

Yes, I understand.

So you just sort of stone wall but really politely.

So it's not just because I think in danger if you just ignore

them like that, they're really up the ante and have a go at you.

So you need to find those subtle ways that just block their path.

What do you think?

Yeah.

Because as you said, it's so hard to ignore them because they can

trigger your deepest wounds and they know how to trigger you.

So ignore them.

It's very hard, especially most of them say to my clients, you are

ignorant.

You are not interested in things.

They even blame them and they ignore stuff.

So when you start to, so they are really worried.

They don't want people ignore them.

So when you start to ignore them, it's as I had just said, it's more

about doing in that I would say that yellow rock.

It's being like in polite way but talking mostly about facts.

And really from your power, from knowing what it's true for you.

Because if you think that they are right, that you should do this, that it's

really work for women to do all household.

And then you will not say it from your center.

If you feel, if you don't feel it inside, then we'll get you back.

It will be like punishing you again.

So you need to really be sure what is your true.

What is really good for you?

What is important to you?

How you feel about things?

What do you stand for?

So usually it takes some time before you are able to ignore them.

It needs some time of your healing first to be able to do it.

Yeah, I think you're absolutely right.

And I think you need support.

So you need the support of your friends and family.

And they may well have fallen back because they'll have seen you try to

leave and go back and try to leave and go back because you're hooked into a trauma

bond with the narcissist partner.

But I think, I mean, this is not a sales call and it doesn't matter if you work with

me or you work with ever or you work with anybody else in this field.

We want you to get professional support because you really need a strong hand to hold

who can really see you, who is outside of the situation and can help you come to your

truth because you may have lost yourself so far that you don't know which way is up,

what you believe, what your values are, what's important to you, who you are.

So it's so true because so many people don't know how it's dangerous for your health and

for your emotions or for your psychological, psychological feeling inside.

So many people don't know how it's dangerous to live in long term relationship with narcissistic

people.

So when you feel lost or really down, it's one of the signs that you might be living

with this kind of person.

And usually you really need someone to support you because to start to ignore the

narcissist you need to be ready to do it because otherwise they will use overing to

get you back with love bombing or even bigger punishment.

You know, even one lady told us when she tried to do it and she wasn't still ready,

she even apologized him for her behavior because she wanted to do this, the things by her

way but she couldn't cope with it because she wasn't ready.

Yeah, she couldn't set the boundary.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

I want to talk a bit about the different levels of self that we talked about before we came

on the call.

So I touched on it before.

There's the wounded self from the beginning.

And then you get on the top of that, you get the false self.

So for us over here, our empathic people, the false self is the carer that denies our

self and denies our need and this is how they get us, denies our needs and looks after

everybody else.

So the false self is I look after everybody else.

I feel for everybody else.

I'm a really good person, but I don't have any needs.

And that is to avoid feeling the feelings of the initial wound.

When you were neglected emotionally, most of us don't know we were, but most of us in

this generation and previous ones were because it wasn't in the common culture to know that

children had emotional needs.

So don't vilify your parents.

They didn't know what they didn't know.

So when we go to this side and we go to the narcissist, they have their wound, but they

have developed rather than the, if we think in trauma terms, fight and flight, this is

the fleeing side on this side, they've developed the site side.

So their false self, their armour itself, as your dear husband calls it, their armour

is fierce and it goes into battle and it's very wounding.

It's not just armour, it's got swords, it's got guns, it's got weapons and comes at you.

And again, it's so they don't have to feel their feelings.

It's very like interesting or even said that actually we've defied fighting or manipulate

you or make nasty to you, their shield is getting stronger.

Yeah, they are getting stronger.

We actually don't get stronger when we are nasty to someone.

And actually, but what we can do, we can go back to our true self when they don't have

access to.

We can grow and be very strong again by really coming back to ourselves, to coming to our

foundation and finally finding who we are.

We can connect with our true self, they can't do it.

So they need their weapons and their shield to be strong.

Yeah, so of course, if you are in your early journey of recovery, you might have the like

the desire to revenge for the revenge, yeah, because you suffered so much and they hurt

you so much.

And I know that it sometimes again is even your values to do something to the more punished

and back.

But sometimes it's good for the process that you get your anger out.

Finally, you are not going to be dismissive anymore.

You just start to show your power back and it can be one of the first steps to really

showing who you are.

And also in this stage, it's really good to have also the plan how to leave him.

Yeah.

And that's again, you need the support of a coach or a group and you need your family

and friends to help you do that.

And just a reminder, never tell them when you're leaving because they'll try and thwart

you.

Try and get somewhere to go that is absolutely safe where they can't get to you and do the

ultimate ignoring.

It can be difficult if you have kids together and maybe we need to do a podcast on that

of how to co-parent with a toxic ex-partner.

Yes, yes, we can do that.

What is it important that when you go through your healing process, it's about finding your

way to be your true self again and to leave them, you need to be ready, you know, because

I'm prepared for it because I from my experience when people are not ready, they suffer quite

a lot after they're leaving them because narcissistic abuse will not finish by leaving

them, especially when you have kids because they would like to get the power and control

back.

So you need to be ready and to do it in the best way.

So the thing is to be ready.

It means you have enough information and you know if who you call, then you are emotionally

more stronger and also that you have some financial support.

You've saved some money or you have friends or a family who can support you because I

had in my coaching practice, ladies who are brave enough to leave them, then later they

came back because they weren't strong enough.

They weren't ready enough.

So they actually hovered them back and it became even like a burst scenario.

We got started.

Yeah, so disempowered by them.

Yeah.

They know they've got power.

Yeah.

So, so when like usually they come to me when they are already with them again for the

second time and don't know what to do because they hook them to the relationship, we were

more like, I don't know, move them to different houses or pour them big presents or something

that they did, it's even harder or so sold there flat if they had any flat.

So that is they really if they had the scenario that they might leave them, we already love

them, they will do everything that you will not do it again because they really want you

to control you.

Yeah.

So, key points are ignoring, be ready for a backlash.

Do it politely.

The yellow wall as ever says, just gently, firmly, hold the boundary.

Gather as much support as you can from friends and family.

Make a plan to leave and really work on getting back to your true self.

Ideally with a coach who specializes in this field that there are groups as well that you

can access both and ideally.

Yes, I'm sure.

And what we want for you to really to become butterfly in this process.

I love this expression that sometimes we can be faster on one beautiful caterpillar.

You only want to become butterfly who can fly, who can have beautiful wings.

And it's the end of the process is a little bit painful because in the cocoon, there is

nothing like only water or some juice.

Yeah.

So sometimes the process of healing, it's not easy.

It's not smooth, but you can create much more better life after your breakup or after

your divorce.

If you have to write people who can support you in your journey.

That's what we're holding for you a better life.

We'd love to support you.

Definitely.

But life for you, when you are really powerful and you only own your uniqueness and seeing

that you are amazing.

Shall we leave it there?

Yeah, thank you for today.

Bye.

Thank you.

Bye bye.

Thank you so much for listening to this episode of Revolutionize Your Love Life.

I'd like to know what has been your biggest takeaway from this conversation.

Do take a minute and share this with us and visit us on our Facebook page.

You can connect with me personally on my email at heather@heathergarbitt.com.

If you can think of someone who will benefit from listening to this podcast, please do

share it with them.

If you have any feedback on how I can improve it, please do reach out to me as I'm always

keen to learn more.

Thank you so much again for listening.

And we'll meet again on the next episode of Revolutionize Your Love Life.

You are good. You are good from my heart.

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