So these are gonna be the seven things that I would never

agree to in a parenting plan.

And I'm just gonna hit you with this little bit of knowledge

right from the word jump.

Some of these are going to blow your mind as to why I say no to them.

I say no, and I'm gonna tell you the why.

I say no.

When you first hear them and your butt puckers and you're like,

Sam, I can't go without that.

Just listen to the stories, listen to the explanation, and it will all make sense.

So let's dive in.

Very first one, write a first refusal.

It's a no for me.

Now, let's get a little bit of background here.

If you're listening to this podcast, most likely.

You are in a high conflict journey or you're fearing that your journey could

turn high conflict in co-parenting, whether that be directly from your ex's

personality or who they start dating could cause you conflict and problem.

And so if you're listening to this and you're like, I am on a fence

of, in my high conflict or not people that get along don't even

question if they're on that fence.

So there's something about your situation that's saying, red flag, this

could go south at any point in time.

I'd rather be prepared.

Write a first refusal is just a no for me.

It's a huge red flag for future problems if you put it in your parenting plan.

Now, a lot of attorneys are gonna go again and tell you it's

standard, Sam, you gotta include it.

This is what every parent wishes they had.

Don't you want more time with your kids?

Yes, Larry and Larry again is the lawyer that I think is a loser that

directs you the wrong way and doesn't know his head from his ass and probably

has never even had children before.

But.

He's gonna tell you that you need this, that don't you

want your kids every second?

You can.

And I'm gonna be perfectly honest, as a veteran myself, in the

co-parenting single life hood journey, no, I'm not anybody's babysitter.

So, no, and that sounds harsh.

I know, and we're gonna get into it another episode, but write a first

refusal essentially means this, if I need to step away from my children during

my scheduled parenting time, write a first refusal in a nutshell says that

I am required to call my ex-husband and say, Hey, I need to step away.

Would you like the kids?

And he's going to respond back with yes.

And he's gonna take the kids.

And then when I'm done with my thing, I'm gonna go pick them

up and bring them back home.

And this gets very, very messy.

And we're gonna dive in again into it in a future episode really soon.

But it's not something that works with high conflict people because there's a lot

of rules around right of first refusal.

There's a lot of respect around it.

There's a lot of, Hey, I scratched your back.

You scratched mine.

Hey, it's common policy.

Hey, let's follow these rules.

I comfort people don't do that.

So write a first refusal from the word jump.

I'm taking it out now.

I know for some of you, you're, I mean, again, your A is puckering going, Sam,

but I want my kids as much as possible and I just can't tell you enough.

It won't work out the way you think it will.

It's a way to surveillance you.

It's a way to fuck with you and your kids.

And if you know, you know, and if you don't, you're gonna

find out in future episodes.

The next thing.

That I would never put in a parenting plan is shared parenting calendars,

which actually ironically is our very next episode right after this.

But a shared calendar means that you most likely, because you're here learning,

you're here getting an education, you're here trying to improve your situation.

You're gonna be the secretary, you're gonna be the uploader, you're gonna be

the one that's inputting everything.

And the big picture here is this.

We're two separate households and we're both adults.

Why are you not keeping track of your shit on your own time?

I'm not putting it in black and white that I have to share a calendar with.

A high conflict person who also possibly could be my abuser in some cases, and

who also possibly could be stalking me.

And oh, let's not forget, this person hates my guts, so I'm not

sharing a calendar with said person.

It's nasty.

The next one, same day, split holidays.

Now I'm gonna die on this hill just like I am.

All of these seven, but we are not sharing holidays.

On the same day, meaning Christmas, I'm not having my kids start at

one house and at two o'clock in the afternoon come to another house.

I'm not doing it.

We're not doing it.

And there's a whole bunch of reasons why, but here is a nutshell.

It fucks with your kids.

Now I know instantaneously, if you're new here, you're like, Sam,

I wanna see my kids on Christmas.

It's not about the day, it's about the celebration.

Let me say that again.

Your kids could care less about what day they see you.

As long as they celebrate with you, and I don't care if it's the 4th of

July, Christmas, Easter, whatever it is, as long as they're getting a

glimpse of a holiday with you, they don't care what day it falls on.

How do I know this?

I've been doing co-parenting for 18 years.

With my children and my co-parent and my kids did not have Christmas.

On Christmas.

My kids did not celebrate birthdays on their birthday.

They celebrated 'em always on a different day.

They don't remember.

They just know they had birthdays with me.

They had Christmas with me.

They had 4th of July with me Sometimes we drove two towns over on July 2nd

to watch that town's fireworks because I didn't have them on July 4th.

It's not about the day, but the last thing I wanna do is at two o'clock in

the afternoon be shrugging my anxiety over to my children saying, hurry up.

Let's go change your clothes, brush your teeth, get your shoes on.

Yeah, I know all of your cousins are staying here.

Yes.

But you're a divorce kid and you need to leave at two o'clock because your

dad's gonna come pick you up and I'm sure he is gonna do great things with you.

And then I'm boosting 'em up for all these great things.

And maybe it's not great at that house, but my kids now have to leave all of

their cousins to go to that other house.

And again, I can hear your arguments coming through the screen, but you're

never going to talk me into it.

Kids deserve to just spend the day with you.

Whether that is going to maybe your aunt's house and your mom's house,

whether that is just staying at home.

Kids deserve to have a relaxing holiday, not be passed around like a potluck.

We're not doing that to our kids.

And a lot of the arguments I will always hear is, but I want

to see my kids on Christmas.

And of course, little Johnny, who's seven is saying, but you

know, but I wanna see you dad.

But I wanna see, they don't know what it's like to have.

A split holiday.

So of course they're gonna say, I wanna see both of you.

They don't know how it would feel to be relaxed with one parent one

day and maybe go see the whole other side of the family the following

weekend and space it out again.

Divorce kids really only care about two birthday parties and two Christmases.

Just wait.

Your kid will be fine with it.

Which brings me to my next point that I would never include in a parenting

plan, sharing fucking birthdays.

Are you kidding me?

We're divorced for whatever reason, and you think we are going to have

a coming to Jesus moment at Chuck E.

Cheese and work together and not only split the cost, let's even, we'll argue

about what day is it my day or your day?

We'll argue about location.

Well, I want it here and I want it there.

Can you imagine going to your ex's house?

They're already with somebody else, but you wrote in your parenting

plan that you have to share the child's birthday and B, I have read,

I'm getting, I'm getting heated.

I have read where parents have to go to, who's ever hosting that year.

They have to go.

It says have to go to the other parent's party, and I actually got involved

with one of my one-on-one clients.

Who went to a co-parenting counselor for her and her ex-husband, and I read

the email of the follow-up and quote.

The counselor said, both of you need to just grow up and do these birthday

parties together every year, so I will be recommending it to your mediator to

write it That way their kid is seven.

No, I'm not sharing a holiday because around that, again,

we're arguing about what day.

We're arguing about location.

We're arguing about what cake flavor we're arguing about, you

know, who can bring presents.

We're arguing about who's invited.

You don't like my mother-in-law?

I don't like your sister.

Are we not inviting people?

Isn't this whole day of birthday supposed to be about the child and not the tension?

And here is a fucking news flash for some of you that are new.

Your kid is somebody different for mom than they are for dad.

From mama A to B, they switch personalities.

I don't care who you are, if you don't believe that, welcome

here is the big news of the day.

Your kids react differently to each parent based on their attraction and

relationship with that meaning, what kind of love do I receive from that

parent is how I behave and how I act.

And so for a child who's in the midst of a divorce and co-parenting journey

to be thrown into Chuck E. Cheese with both people, whose personality

will that child pick to adapt to?

I will tell you, the high conflict parent, how do I know this?

I witnessed it full hand with my own fucking children.

But all of my friends, all my clients.

They're like, Sam, why did my kid act like an asshole?

Sam, why did my kid baby talk?

Sam, why did my kid throw a tantrum?

They never do that with me because they were molding themself to that parent and

not you because you are the safe parent.

Again, I could talk about this for days, but today we're talking

about the things not to include.

The next one, vague exchange information.

I can't even tell you the number, but it is a over 50% of plans that I have

read from Larry, the lawyer to mediators who suck to just people that are using

these basic boring ass templates.

They forget to include where are we exchanging the children

outside of school and activities?

Where are we doing it?

And it's amazing to me what the professionals say as

to why they left it out.

Well, I thought you'd be able to talk about it.

What, uh, we hired you to talk with us.

What would make you think we would pick a location?

And I have had parents who are literally blocks from each other,

blocks argue about who has to drive and drop off or who has to pick up.

And we're talking calling lawyers.

Hell, I had a client, oh my gosh, I can't remember I'm remembering

this, but I am, I had a client probably six, seven years ago.

She had the marital home and he removed himself and he went and lived

with like a relative or something for probably close to two years.

They got divorced as soon as their divorce was over.

I'm talking divorce got done on a Monday.

He bought the house in the backyard, face, backyard to backyard on like a Wednesday

and became her backyard neighbor.

They would argue about who had to walk their child from home to home fence.

Defense use lawyers to argue this out, and it's just become so petty, but it becomes

expensive, and so this is why we have.

To have words, so I wouldn't sign something that has a vague, like if it

doesn't say who's picking up and who's dropping off when school or daycare

or extracurriculars are not involved?

Huh?

No.

'cause we're not gonna figure it out.

We're gonna argue about it.

We're gonna argue about it.

So just put it in.

Now, this one I can already tell from a lot of my social media posts, this

one's going to really poke the bear.

I am not including phone calls.

With my children in my parenting plan, I said, what?

I said, I won't take it back.

You won't talk me out of it.

It is what it is.

Phone calls are dumb.

Now again, know who my audience is.

My audience is a high conflict situation where parties do not get

along, whether it be one party or both.

They don't like each other, and these phone calls are weapons.

They are investigative tools.

They are a way to make sure you're home at six o'clock when you're supposed to call.

They are a way to investigate who you're hanging out with.

They are a way to make sure you have no life because you have to

be home to make the phone call.

They're a way to see into your home.

And here is the thing.

And I, and I've posted so many times about this stuff, but these phone

calls in high conflict situations.

When it was time for my kids to call their dad, Hey, call your dad.

Okay.

That was about as much effort as I put into it.

Now, I didn't wanna hear his voice because it made me like, Ooh, ache.

So I would leave the room or go outside or go do laundry downstairs, and

they'd talk and talk and talk, right?

10 minutes, hang up, done.

Never really asked what they talked about.

Didn't really give a shit.

They did their phone call.

It was over.

What happened?

The other direction was before they were to call me.

Now again, the kids are with their father was a sit down

before the phone call happened.

Here's what you're allowed to say.

Here's what you're not allowed to share.

Here's what you'll ask her.

And I'm sitting right here and listening.

So when my children would call me, it was not, Hey, how's school?

It was good.

What'd you do today, mom?

Hey, bud.

Did you go outside and play?

Yeah.

But who's been at your house?

And it took me the longest time to figure this out because again, I was slow.

I didn't know people did this.

So phone calls in high conflict are not good for your children because

they get punished, they get scolded, they get literally flashlight to

the face like an investigation.

And anybody that doesn't know what I'm talking about, you're not in

a fucking high conflict situation.

So keep calling each other, do you boo.

But for those of us that do have high conflict, these phone calls

are torture for our children.

And I had a mom go absolutely ape shit on me not too long ago in the comment

section and a couple back and forths, and between me and a couple other

people, this woman was like, I have to be able to check on the children.

The phone calls I have to have, and I said a couple things.

Number one, I hear a lot of eyes.

I don't hear how it feels to be the children.

Number two, have you ever thought of what it's like for the children who,

if you're the alleged person, that feel makes them feel the safest, which

I'm not questioning that, I don't know, that's what you're telling me.

Can you imagine being in a tragic, abusive situation and hearing the solace, the,

the calmness, the, the voice of your, of your mother at that point, and just

begging for her to come pick you up?

How triggering that would be.

Have you also thought about that phone call doesn't do shit?

That's just what I commented back.

Tell me how a phone call protects your children.

And I'm just gonna give you a heads up.

If your children are in an abusive situation, they aren't allowed

to be like, Hey, guess what?

I'm getting the shit knocked out of me right now.

Hey, guess what?

I haven't ate in three days.

Hey, guess what?

Blah, blah, blah, blah.

They're not gonna tell you that because the high conflict person is

right there watching their every word.

People are delusional.

If you think high conflict people do not coach your children

before these phone calls come on.

Again, I was slow to the game.

I, I was slow to it.

I, I didn't understand it.

I was always wondering like, why do you guys act so weird on the phone?

Why do you guys ask me how many questions?

Why?

Like, I'll tell you when we get home, like, why are you asking?

I was slow to it.

So phone calls not including them.

Not if you wanna talk to your kids every day, stay in that shitty marriage.

I said it stay married.

But when you're divorced, you don't get to talk to your children every day.

And if you can't prove they're the big bad monster that you say they are, then

your kids are gonna be exposed to the big bad wolf monster that they are.

And your kids are gonna have to figure out what they're gonna do with that.

And that is their story and their life.

And yeah, you're there to help as much as you can, but they're in a fucking thing

some of us can do about it except for put the band-aids on and teach them that

you love them and teach them how to make their voices louder as they get taller.

That is the only fucking thing we can do.

And we sit back and we bite our, our tongue and we wish

somebody would hear our kids.

We wish somebody would fight for them.

We wish the court system would wake the fuck up, but they don't.

And these phone calls are torture for not only the parent that knows they're

being abused, but also for the children that are being abused, that these phone

calls are just like a, an escape for three minutes on the phone only to

get your ass chew or beat as soon as you hang up because you said too much.

That's the reality.

A lot of your kids at the ages of three are living 13.

Most definitely.

In high conflict situations.

The last thing that I would not include in my parenting plan is a random

sentence about splitting extra things, but with no definition of that I'm

not including the extra expenses if there's no rules and regulation about

it, which again is a future episode because money is the root of all evil

when it comes to high conflict people.

High conflict people and money.

I mean, it is like we could argue over $5.

We've argued over a $20 copay with lawyers.

Again, I was part of the problem.

I didn't know what I had that I was dealing with.

So all of these things right here are just a glimpse of don't include them.

If you have a high conflict situation, it's dangerous.

For you to include them because you think, oh, I, I need this in there for me.

Yeah, but remember what I told you in the earlier episodes.

Take your glasses off and put theirs on.

They're gonna look at right at first refusal and go, aha, got 'em.

I'm gonna be able to do same birthdays.

Got 'em.

I'm gonna be able to do.

You have to think about how your ex will use these things in your parenting plan.

The masterclass that I give, it's the way to learn what should be included,

how should it be worded, how do I protect myself to where I don't set

myself to have future abuse financially or just straight psychological abuse

through the apps and through the phone, and for more of my children.

This is wisdom here.

This is an expert, me talking to you, not only from my own experience, but from

my training, but just living this, of coaching people for the past 10 years.

I see failure in these seven things.

Failure, clear failure, proven.

If you include these things, it's almost a guarantee you will

regret them because high conflict people don't play by the rules.

If your attorney is making you believe it's standard language,

well, we learned in earlier episode, standard language is not me.

It's not what I'm signing.

I'm not signing my life away.

I'm not, I'm not signing this bullshit.

No, Larry, fucking try again.

Better yet, I'll do it myself.

I'll bring a parenting plan to you, but we're not setting up.

I, I just had a client who I've coached for two years.

Their divorce is taking forever.

And partly because they started it stopped.

Started.

It stopped.

Anyways, that's not this.

But she's like, phone calls, because now we're getting to the

end and I just get so nervous that I won't be able to hear from him.

And I'm like, don't include the phone calls.

Like, please, I've coached you a thousand times, but I'm telling you your heart is

going to speak to you and you're gonna be like, but I wanna hear my kid's voice.

But can you imagine when you hear that voice and you know it's different, you

know it's scared, you know, it's sad.

I'm gonna tell you right now, it breaks your fucking heart

and guilt and shame will stick around in your life even longer.

When your kid is with that parent, they are with that parent.

That is their life, their situation.

You fix it.

When they come home, the phone calls won't help.

None of these seven things will help.

So make sure you are looking through your parenting plan.

You're taking off those glasses of yours from your viewpoint and you're putting

on your ex's glasses and saying, Hmm, how will this hurt me from their perspective?

'cause they're gonna come from me ' cause they don't like me.

This is high conflict.