If you have heard me talk before about holidays, you know that

this is probably gonna be one where my face is gonna get red.

I'm gonna get angry because this is stuff that is so easy to do right for people.

Yet attorneys and court systems do people dirty.

Dirty.

In this section we're gonna talk about holidays.

I'm talking the easiest, simplest, just.

It's so fucking common sense to me how holidays should be

written in a parenting plan.

But yet over the 10 years I've been doing this, I have read thousands of parenting

plans done by attorneys and done by court systems, and it's so piss poor written.

It's so confusing.

It's so vague.

It's so interpretive.

It's so gray.

It's so bullshit.

This is fucking holidays.

it's so simple, guys.

and again, I'm already getting mad because I'm just thinking about

all the shitty parenting plans I've read before of parents being

like, Sam, what does this mean?

I have private groups and I have public groups, and I have support groups.

I have all these groups.

And as I'm scrolling at night, I usually see these screenshots of

people saying, here's my holiday schedule for the upcoming holiday.

I don't know what it means.

You don't know what it means.

And I'm not mad at the poster.

I'm not mad at the parent that's saying, Hey, I'm being vulnerable here.

I have no fucking clue what this section means.

I can't figure out what time I'm supposed to pick up my kid, or when

will my kid be delivered to me?

I'm not mad at that parent.

I'm reading these, these little snippets, these screenshots that parents post

inside my groups and I'm going, WTF.

How in the hell did your attorney think that this was okay to give to you?

You have to have a flow chart to understand it.

You gotta have notes being kept next to it to understand, okay,

child will be here and then, then here, and then back to here.

And what it's not a complex subject.

Holidays are not ever evolving and changing.

They're the same.

Christmas comes around the same fucking day every year.

Birthdays same 4th of July, same.

they're not flexible floating holidays.

If anything, Thanksgiving might be the one that trips people up the most.

That's it.

Mother's Day.

Father's Day, okay, but they're told on every like commercial and sign

available to let you know when it is.

This is not rocket science, but yet the attorneys screw you over by leaving this

section so interpretive and so gray in the hopes that you two will work it out.

You two will be flexible, you two will determine later.

Bullshit.

That it leaves the holiday time in this cryptic, oh, I gotta work

with my ex, or I have to call my attorney, and it's the holiday season,

so maybe it's gonna cost me more.

Maybe my attorney won't be as readily available.

And it's the holiday season and I'm feeling all this pressure from my loved

ones and my family to have the kids.

And now I don't know when I'm gonna have the kids.

And oh, now I'm feeling all this shame and guilt around it because now

it's the holidays and I'm reminded that I'm a divorced parent and I

caused this problem and I divorced, and now I'm a single parent.

This is the shit I have to deal with.

This is humiliating.

It brings up more than just, when did the kids come back?

It's deeper than that.

The guilt and the shame comes up around the holidays.

Without a fucked up holiday schedule, and then you throw a fucked up

holiday schedule on top of it, and it makes everything just way worse.

So let's tackle some bullshit now.

Okay.

don't say I didn't warn you because I've read thousands upon thousands of

parenting plans whose holiday schedules are written as if it's one of those

old school riddles and like you're trying to solve the riddle to figure

out when you have your fucking kids.

it's just insane to me.

To me, I'm a simple person.

I don't know if you guys know this.

I wear basic colors.

I, I'm not a complex person.

I'm very organized, but I'm a simple person.

Tell me when I have 'em and tell me.

When I don't.

Tell me when it starts.

Tell me when it ends.

Tell me what holiday you're talking about and that's it.

I don't need on the night of, and thou shall drop off.

Fuck, quit talking to me in biblical terms and just tell me

when the fuck I have my kids.

That's it.

Start time in time.

That's all I need to know.

What year?

Who has 'em?

Mom, dad, parent A, parent B. What are we doing here?

This whole flexible First off, first problem.

First world problems here getting heated.

Told you, I warned you.

I have to have a list of the holidays.

gotta have a list.

Federal holidays, and I know I have people listening out of the country.

List your holidays.

What are your holidays that you want to include?

Now, we're not going into Taco day or donut day and all that bullshit.

We're going into federal holidays.

That's it.

List them.

Are we doing Easter, Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, new Year's?

New Year's Day?

Are we doing Thanksgiving, 4th of July?

Mother's Day?

Father's Day List.

The holidays, first and foremost.

And if your parenting plan, and I swear.

If your parenting plan just says, holidays run, don't sign that bullshit.

Don't settle for that bullshit.

I've seen parenting plans.

Just say parties will share holidays.

That's the sentence that's the title.

That's the header.

That's the sentence.

Parties will share holidays.

What the fuck does that mean?

I'm gonna share.

Share means we're gonna do it together.

No share means we're gonna split the day.

Okay.

Well, what if I consider that a holiday and you don't?

This is a tangled web.

And holidays again, bring up all your feels about a lot of things.

Last thing you wanna be doing is being in your fields and

working with your attorney.

You wanna be in your fields and dealing with your fucking ex.

This shit should all be predetermined yesterday because it's simple.

So first off, list your holidays.

I don't care what they are.

That's up to you.

Federal's.

Easiest.

Just keep it simple, Sally.

And I'm just gonna give again, holidays are my jam.

I love talking about holidays.

If you get my masterclass, I'm telling you I break down every single holiday

and how I feel it's best that you break them down based on high conflict

situations for your kids to give your kids the most time with each parent.

But that's all in there if you want that.

But let's just use some common sense of understanding the more interruptions to

our holiday or to our visitation schedule.

Is a bigger problem, meaning high conflict, people don't plan.

They don't look ahead.

They're moment by moment people.

And when you say, Hey, don't forget the kids are coming with me 'cause

it's Mother's Day weekend this weekend, they lose their fucking marbles, right?

Hey, it looks like 4th of July is with me.

They lose their marbles 'cause they don't plan.

They don't look ahead unless it benefits them.

And that's a whole nother subject.

But you have to make sure that it's listed clearly.

Of when there will be an interruption to visitation schedule, when will

there be what specific holidays?

Because you'll have parents that go, well, I didn't know we were celebrating.

We've never celebrated 4th of July, and now it's a holiday that we have

to change the schedule for you.

Yes, it's listed absolutely right there.

The other thing sounds simple, but yet attorneys don't do it hand over hand

Over time, I can't even tell you how many I've read, they don't include times.

They just say 4th of July goes to mother and even years

goes to father and odd years.

Well, that's great.

Sherlock Holmes, but when the fuck are we starting the holiday?

When are we starting the holiday?

When?

Because the kids are supposed to be with me this 4th of July, but they spent

the night on the third with their dad because it was his visitation schedule.

When do you expect him to give me the kids?

For the 4th of July.

Oh, well you guys will work it out.

The fuck we'll, are you, have you met us?

Have you seen our file?

Our case is being pulled in on a fucking dolly in four boxes and

you think we're somehow gonna come to terms with what time?

Our kids are gonna be swapped on the fourth of fucking July.

Are you insane?

That's not going to happen.

What will happen is I will get my kids maybe after the fireworks because it

doesn't say exactly what time I get them on the 4th of July and or I'm

going to spend thousands of dollars with my attorney trying to get them

at least back by noon on 4th of July.

And for those of you that don't see this coming, let this be a word of warning.

List your fucking holidays and put the times.

I know there's gonna be somebody right now going, I wish you

just didn't cuss so much.

Well, I wish shit was a lot easier and I wouldn't have to get so heated and upset.

But this is the reality that it's a simple thing.

I paid thousands of dollars for this divorce, but somehow my holidays are

all fucked up and I have to call the expensive person to get it figured out

when it's a simple, simple table that can be inserted into your parenting plan.

How do I know this?

I write parenting plans for said situation.

Been doing it for years, almost a decade, and it's just, it's so simple.

It fucking amazes me how attorneys it's like I think they sit in a room and maybe

they do, and I haven't been invited.

Probably won't get an invitation anytime soon after this podcast drop.

But maybe they sit in a room and they go, what are all the ways we

can create havoc in this parenting plan to where they have to call us?

I know, and let's put it around the holidays.

So everything's heightened, emotions are heightened, just

all of the feels are heightened.

And then they'll have to call us more because they're gonna

get so overworked by it.

Yeah, let's do that to them.

Okay.

Let's reel it in, Sam.

All right, holidays.

We're gonna list all of 'em out, and we're gonna put start time in times.

Start time in times.

And again, in that masterclass I break down what should

the start time in times be?

And you'll probably be a little overwhelmed with what

I say inside that masterclass.

Now what's the other thing?

I have to have this paragraph.

And so many attorneys don't put this paragraph in here again.

'cause I think they sit in that little secret room and they talk

about how they can fuck us over.

But there needs to be a clear written paragraph that says holidays.

Supersede visitation your visitation is forfeited.

If someone's holiday takes it.

I said, what?

I said it should be in your parenting plan.

Go back 10 seconds and write that sentence down and do not sign your parenting plan

unless something very similar to my exact words are written inside of your plan.

And why not?

Because here's what will happen.

High conflict.

People will think that they get their visitation time back

that you took for Mother's Day or Father's Day High conflict.

People will think that because they were robbed of a Tuesday because

it was the 4th of July, that they can go take your Thursday.

High conflict.

People don't understand that holidays supersede, meaning they're more important,

they will take from visitation and you don't get that visitation time back.

It's just a loss.

it's a wash because it will all balance out because the next year it may fall

on your day and then they take from you.

But they can't see that because they're delusional.

So you have to make sure that wording is in there when you

add it and your attorney's like, why do you wanna add that Stacy?

You're like, because Sherlock Holmes, I don't want a fucking problem in the future

and I shouldn't have to tell you why.

Just add it.

'cause I'm paying you to add it.

Okay.

Thanks Larry.

Sit down, write this sentence in there for me please.

Now I'm gonna touch on something that's probably gonna trip

your trigger a little bit.

When it comes to holidays.

We're not including birthdays.

Hmm.

Did that sting?

I hope it didn't, but it probably did.

You gave birth to that child.

I know.

Or you participated in this creation.

I know.

And you love this child and you've never missed a birthday yet.

But here's the deal.

You're divorced, you're gonna miss birthdays.

Okay?

You're gonna miss birthdays.

Now again, I said something earlier if you were paying attention, that

was a key moment in time here.

I said high conflict.

People do not like interruptions in the parenting plan.

I mean they do because they love chaos in chaotic times, but your kids

don't like when they act like that.

And so I'm trying to keep it calm and steady and normal outside of holidays.

And if we got three kids, we have three interruptions for three birthdays.

And the deal with birthdays is, let's apply some also very logical common

sense where we apply the fact that if my kid's birthday's on a Tuesday,

I'm not celebrating on a Tuesday.

Now, if you're one of those crazy people.

Okay, Stacy, that you actually do throw a party on a Tuesday.

Kudos to you.

You're Martha Stewart.

I love that for you.

But rest of us normal folk have it on, you know, Saturday or Sunday.

So also side note, I'm gonna let you in a little secret.

Brunch, birthday parties.

Breakfast, birthday parties.

We did those.

when we used to live in Illinois, it's the fucking jam.

It's the lifesaver at birthday party.

You know when you get invited to a kid's birthday party, you're

like, Ugh, fucking two o'clock.

Takes up a whole afternoon.

I fucking hate that for me and everybody else, right?

And you don't wanna go to a kid's birthday party at two o'clock, have a

brunch party, have a Saturday morning, eight thirty nine o'clock birthday party.

Everyone shows up, everyone loves it.

Have coffee, have a couple casseroles, buy some donuts or bagels.

Fucking, it's the jam.

Okay.

Just throwing that out there.

That's free parenting advice.

You're welcome.

Now, back to birthday parties.

I'm not including them.

Now I will.

When I write your parenting plan.

This is your parenting plan.

I'll custom build it how you want, but I'm not going to, because of my

experience in coaching and dealing with high conflict people, birthdays

tends to be a big, explosive time where parents act like complete assholes.

So I'm not gonna include a time where we're gonna mark it on the calendar.

Act like an asshole today.

I'm not gonna do that.

So I just say how it falls.

In the parenting schedule and we celebrate on our own time, which

will be typically on that every other alternating weekend schedule.

I'll celebrate the weekend before or the weekend after my child.

Side note, also, a little tip that I love to give, always celebrate

holidays and birthdays before the actual holiday and birthday.

And if you know, you know, there's a little tidbit for you.

There's so much more here to talk about with holidays.

So if there's more things, you know, reach out to me.

Let me know what else you want me to discuss in holidays.

But if you don't have a clear holiday schedule.

It's going to lead to last minute chaos and kids being in the middle of it,

and kids will always pick the less high conflict parent to change their mind.

Mom, just let me, dad, please, do you know how Mom is?

Just let me please.

She's gonna lose it.

If she doesn't see me on my birthday, just let me do, and then you have to cave

because you have no strict parenting plan that says you don't have to cave, right.

Parenting plans should be written very clearly.

Rules for us to follow, rules to engage, and when it's written, piss poorly.

All it's gonna leave is an opportunity for my high conflict parent to run the

show me to lose money, or us to just have to banter back and forth and I lose out.

And I don't wanna do that, and I don't want that to happen to you.

So this is a very easy fix that even you sitting here listening,

you don't have a law degree, but you just got trained and certified on

holidays and what they should include.