Well, let's dive into the friend circle and why we don't wanna do this

divorce or co-parenting journey alone.

But I'm gonna preface this with saying you need to be smart about

who is in your friend circle.

And I think this episode is really gonna maybe get you to realize who you

have around you might not be the best.

Now, I heard something a long time ago from my mom.

Ironically, she told me when I was going through my divorce slash co-parenting

journey, she was like, if you are the best person in the five people you're hanging

around with, you're in the wrong group.

And as I was too stubborn at that point in time to look at my peer group, then

I now know what she was talking about.

I was one that had her shit together.

The pathetic circle I was in, and by me having my shit together was a

stretch of the imagination a little bit.

And so that could tell you exactly what the group of people I was

hanging with that did not have their shit together whatsoever.

But I looked pretty good in comparison to them, and that was uncomfortable

now that I look back on it because I was not thriving or trying or

excelling through life, I was just really had my head above like.

Drowning and that was it based on who I had around me.

And so I really wanna touch on who do you have around you as you're

going through this process now, I did an extreme thing then I isolated.

I took people away and then I tried to really manage my divorce

on my own and I will just say like 10 outta 10, don't recommend,

because that was very dangerous.

I was not a good candidate to be alone.

I needed to verbally process a lot and I. Talk about what's happening to me.

'cause there was some shady things happening to me.

So to be alone, I don't recommend, and I see this a lot in my comment section,

where people are saying, Sam, I have no one, I have no friends, I have no family.

And at that point in time, I want you to really look.

What you're doing in your day-to-day, and why do you have nobody, I'm not

saying you have to go be close with your family again, if they're the

toxic creators, but what I am saying is, is you can build friendships.

You know, I'm starting to build friendships right now

at 47 in my Pilates class.

I'm doing Pilates and I'm actually loving the people that are doing Pilates.

'cause we have a lot in common.

'cause we're thinking the same of like wellness, right?

Take care of our bodies and we're, we're busy moms and such.

And so building friendships at church, building friendships, maybe at your

job if it's allowed or you think it's okay to do, building relationships

and friendships in your neighborhoods.

Really putting yourself out there.

And I know right now some of you're like, you're still resisting.

You're like, no, and here's the deal.

How's that working for you?

Is it working, pushing everybody away and trying to act like the

badass that you so badly wanna be?

But isn't it exhausting?

Aren't you tired from doing it all by yourself?

Aren't you?

Like damn wish a girl could get some assist every once in a while

and you catch yourself every once in a while and it must be nice.

Hmm, must be nice.

I was that person.

There is a way to have people around you and still be feeling like

you're taking care of yourself too.

They're just called friends and they're called family that

you lean on as a single parent.

And again, if you've been riding the solo train as a single parent,

kudos, but aren't you fucking tired?

And I think for me, one of the stopping points of allowing people to help me

was I feared if my ex-husband found out I got help, he would use it against me.

Meaning if I had somebody come over and watch the kids while I mowed the

yard, he would use it against me.

So then I only mowed the yard when I didn't have my kids.

That's how traumatized I was by the court system, that everything I

did, I got taken back to court for.

And so I lived in a place of I can't do that because then if

he finds out if I can't do that, and if he finds out if I can't.

And it was just this horrible place to be.

And I know a lot of you listening are in that same spot where you fear making

a decision or having friends or going out or doing something fun or doing

something with the kids, with somebody else, and it's gonna be used against you.

I've lived that life.

It didn't work out well for me.

When I finally switched my mindset into parallel and I switched my mindset

into, I am allowed to live my life without his filter, my life changed.

People always ask me that question, what changed?

I changed.

Nothing about him changed.

I changed.

I changed on how I dealt with him.

I changed on how I produced, how I gave, how I delivered.

Everything changed about me and it started with who I was around.

For a lot of you, you need to dig deep on this, writing everything out solo

and asking yourself, is this working?

And I'm gonna tell you the answer is probably no.

But then there's the other half of you that have all these friends, and I use

friends in a really loose term, but these friends that are only stirring the pot,

only giving you intel to make you feel bad or to keep you informed, but it's just

triggering you and it's bothering you.

Are they really someone safe to tell things to or are they running back

and they're the mole in your group, or are they sharing it with the mole?

I want you to really consider is this person or people

the right kind of influence?

And we've all had these people around us.

I call 'em yes men.

You're like, oh my gosh, you will never believe what my ex did.

And you, and they're like, oh my gosh, he's such an asshole.

so, I'm so glad you divorced him.

And we just sit there and we talk about all this negativity, and

they're, yes, you deserve better.

Yes, this, yes that.

And we just keep talking about it.

And then I call again the next day and I call again the next day.

And we just keep beating it down and beating it down.

And the narrative just gets getting replayed and replayed.

That shit gets old, and I'm gonna tell you this.

I don't know what you believe in or who you believe in.

When you keep putting that kind of shit out there into the universe, that's the

kind of shit that will keep coming at you.

You keep talking about your negativity.

The negativity will keep coming.

You keep bitching.

Bitching will keep coming.

It isn't until you change your mindset about things that things change, and

a lot of that can be influenced by the people that you have around you.

And so I need you to be digging deep on really asking

yourself, do I need to evaluate?

Who I am getting emotional support from?

Do I need to really think about, man, every time I share something,

it takes about two days before my ex finds out, I think I got a mole

and stop sharing this shit instead.

Most of y'all keep sharing and you keep having the same problem show up in your

court case, but we gotta get to the point where we have good people in our

circle, not shady people, and I'm sorry.

Maybe this is the time that we drop a lot of our friends

who also have their own drama.

'cause I kind of need people that are free to help me with mine.

And every time I bring up something, they bring up something and then

we're down this negative rabbit hole for two hours on the phone.

It might be, Hey, you know what?

We're not a good fit right now.

Let's catch each other.

On the flip side, when we're over both of our divorces or you're over your shit and

I'm over mine and let's rekindle later.

But right now it's just too toxic, too heavy, too negative.

I can't keep doing this.

It's okay to edit.

Some of your friends out, some of your family out.

You need people that when you call them they go, I hear you Sam, but

here's what we're gonna do today.

We're gonna focus on getting your house clean.

We're gonna focus on getting those kids entertained.

We're gonna focus on making sure you hit a good bedtime

'cause you need rest, not this.

Yes, man, that's going Uhhuh.

Yeah.

Yeah, he's horrible.

Nasty.

Tell me more.

What happened?

Did you see what he put on Facebook?

Oh my gosh.

Did you see who he's friends with now on Instagram?

I don't need that shit.

If you got people like that in your life that are constantly talking

about your ex and bringing screenshots to you, see, ya don't need ya.

If I don't have the evidence, I don't have I can't keep going down

that rabbit hole with friendships that are just that kind of drama,

soap, opera, pot stir type of people.

But you have to self-evaluate and figure out are you that person

and how's it working out for you?

Because I'm gonna tell you from a per standpoint of somebody that was like that

and did that and had friends like that.

You're emotionally dysregulated.

There's no way you're calm.

There's no way you're at peace.

There's no way your body is handling this very well because you're constantly

getting triggered and heightened.

Your body doesn't even know what it feels like to be out of this

chaotic state of high blood pressure.

Just emotional disin discernment where you're just constantly,

all the time of what's new.

Every time a text comes through, oh my God, oh my God.

And it's like a gut punch every time because of the

people that you're allowing in.

And so it's time for an edit.

It's time to decrease who we talk to.

Circle becomes smaller.

Everybody notices this when they go through a divorce.

You get all these fucking friends.

Married, friends, co-working friends, all these friends,

you go through a divorce, whew.

That circle shrinks way the fuck down.

And that's okay.

That's actually normal.

It's healthy, it's good 'cause your focus should be on you through

this very big moment in your life.

Your focus should be your kids.

Your focus should be on your wellbeing and not the fucking 18 concerts you

agreed to go to when you were married.

It's time to downsize.

It's time to set what do we wanna be working on?

What is our future gonna look like?

I can't afford to go to 19 concerts this year now, but I can afford to

hang out with my kids at the park.

I can't afford to see who really wants to come to the park with

me and hang out 'cause it's free.

Instead of spending all this money going and doing all these things,

your friend circle will change.

And so you have to pull people in that are emotionally supportive

and be strategic with who that is.

Who are people that can help regulate you for court.

Not somebody that's gonna be like, oh girl.

Oh my gosh.

are you ready?

I don't need that kind of energy.

I need.

I got you.

Remember a pressure point in your hand?

Remember to tap.

Remember to breathe.

Girl, I packed you a little Go box.

It has water, it has snacks, it has pictures of your kids.

I got you.

I'll take you.

I'll pick you up.

We have the whole night planned.

We're gonna order pizzas.

We're gonna watch some movies.

I want that girl not the tell me everything.

What did he wear?

What did he SI don't need that shit.

Some of you all really need to look at that friend and go, is she really here

for me or is she here to hear from me?

There's a difference.

Is she here for me or is she here to hear all the gossip from me and take it back?

You have to make sure you're editing.

It's another breakup.

I know it's hard, but I'm gonna tell you what, how that friend.

Use that loosely reacts to your breakup, shows you what kind of friend they are.

Believe me.

The ones that you say you're breaking up with them because you need to

focus on yourself and they get angry.

They weren't your friend to begin with.

If they're a friend that you say, Hey, I need some space, I need

some time, or I need this from you, and they go, absolutely done.

Consider it starting tomorrow.

I got you.

They respect your choice.

That's your true friends that are there for the right reasons, not

the ones that all gossip about you.

Three seconds after you send that message or hang up that phone, and if you're

even questioning whether what kind of friend you have, that's not the friend

you need, you need somebody that's going to be there to help you with your kids.

When you can't pick your head off the pillow, 'cause you're in the

fetal position crying about what's happening because it's finally caught

up with you, you need that friend that's going to come mow your yard.

You need that friend that's going to protect your energy

and say, whoa, whoa, whoa.

You're already having a bothered day.

Lemme see that message.

Yep.

I'm gonna give you the cliff notes.

I'm not gonna let you read the whole thing 'cause you don't need to read

the whole thing 'cause we're picking up your kids in like 20 minutes

and I don't want you all bothered.

Let me read it for you.

I'll give you the cliff notes and that friend takes that

and handles that for you.

A friend edit is needed right now, but I don't want you doing this alone.

I need you to find your people.

Now, I also run a monthly membership for moms called the Next Chapter.

You've heard me talk about that.

That is a great place for some of you to be, to get that community, but that's

not a day-to-day handholding person.

But that is a great place to get an education, ask questions, and get

validation and a bunch of strategy.

But I need you to hear me.

I need you to look around and I need you to find your people.

And I, to me, I think that's great when two single moms or

two single dads can help each other and be each other's person.

Maybe they have different schedules to where when that parent doesn't have

their kids, they can help you out.

And when you don't have your kids, you can help them out.

And finding that friendship to possibly even live together to cut bills down.

Hello, economy.

Let's help each other out.

Cut down on some costs.

But I need you to be honest with the people you have in your life right now.

Are they doing you a service or are they a full-time pain in the ass and cause

drama and pot stirring, you're gonna have to put a boundary up with that.

But you need to start assembling your Avengers of who is your people

that will help you through this divorce and co-parenting journey.

But you gotta be smart about who they are and what type of friend they are and what

type of friend are you being back, right?

Do you have space and time to be a good friend back?

Are they okay with you not giving into them right now while they pour into you?

It's time to evaluate who is in your circle of people.

Who can you trust and who's gonna be there through the thick of this.