Why You Should NEVER Ask Your Kids to Choose in a Parenting Plan
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In this episode, I'm breaking down the six biggest reasons this "loving" little gesture is actually screwing your kid up.
Stop fucking asking your kids what they want in the parenting plan. There. I said it. We're talking about why this "loving" little question is actually one of the most damaging things you can do to your child during a divorce. I know, I know. You think you're being fair. You think you're being inclusive. You think it's loving because "it's about the kids." Bullshit. What you're actually doing is dumping a grown-ass adult decision on a tiny human who should be worried about Lego sets and sneaking extra Cheez-Its.
In this episode, I'm breaking down the six biggest reasons this "loving" little gesture is actually screwing your kid up. We're talking about how it puts them in the middle, how high conflict exes will manipulate the hell out of this opportunity (and yes, your ex WILL do it, stop being naive), and how kids will choose the parent with the iPad over the parent with structure every single time. I also get into why your kid might shock you and pick the high conflict parent, the people-pleaser pipeline this creates, and the messy validation-seeking trap parents fall into when they ask their kids "Did you miss me? Do you love me more?"
Listen, your kid's job is to be a fucking kid. Not a messenger. Not your therapist. Not a tiebreaker in your divorce. If you can't make decisions without your six-year-old's input, that's not a kid problem, that's a YOU problem. And if you're sitting there thinking "but my kid is mature for their age," I've got news for you. They're still a kid. Be the adult.
I share a real client story about a birthday party that went sideways, talk about why "what's familiar" is what kids will always pick, and give you the only acceptable way to handle this without traumatizing your child. Plus, when (if ever) it IS appropriate to start asking for their input.
Stop outsourcing your parenting to your kids.
Here’s What You Can Actually Take Away:
- Your Kid Is Not Your Co-Parent - Children should never be put in the position of choosing custody schedules, holidays, or living arrangements because that's an adult job.
- High Conflict Exes Will Manipulate - If you give a high conflict person an opening to influence your child's "choice," they will exploit it every single time without hesitation.
- Kids Choose Comfort, Not Best Interest - Children pick based on iPads, snacks, and short-term rewards, not stability or what's actually good for them long-term.
- Asking Creates Broken Promises - When you ask your kid what they want and the court decides differently, you've set them up for disappointment and broken trust.
- Validation Seeking Is a You Problem - If you're asking your kid "do you love me more?" that's your unhealed shit, not your kid's job to fix.
- The People-Pleaser Pipeline Is Real - Kids forced to manage adult emotions grow up to be chameleons who marry narcissists and forget who they actually are.
- Familiar Is Not the Same as Best - Kids will always pick what they've always known because that's all they know, not because it's what's healthy for them now.
Be the Adult, Period - Your child's only job is to be a kid; your job is to protect them from having to make choices they were never supposed to make.
- "You chose to have them, you get to pick. This whole idea of asking them, we're not doing that."
- "Your kid's job is to be a fucking kid. To worry about what Lego set they're asking for, not what custody schedule works best."
- "High conflict people manipulating kids is their middle name. Get with it. This is who they are."
- "Don't ask your kid to fill your fucking tank. If you wanna feel good about yourself, go do something."
- "She's a kid and you're an adult. Be the adult in her life and take care of it yourself."
- "Kids will choose comfort, not what's in their best interest. The parent with the iPad wins every time."
- "It's not your kid's job to pick between two parents. It's your job to protect them from having to."
"When a kid doesn't know what something looks like, they'll pick what's familiar. That's not a real choice, that's survival."
PURCHASE your own custom plan here:
About to sign something you don't understand? Walking into mediation empty-handed? I can help.
Custom Parenting Plan — I'll write your plan. Built for your kids, your schedule, your high-conflict ex. Not a template. A plan that protects your time for the next 18 years.
The Parenting Plan Masterclass — Learn what strong parenting plans actually look like before you sign anything. I'll walk you through decision making, parenting time, holidays, communication boundaries, and how to prepare for mediation so you know exactly what to ask for and what garbage language to avoid.
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A Team Dklutr Production