Herr Medic's Pregnancy Extravaganza

Written by a police officer.

The Medic was well over nine months along now. His belly was incredibly swollen - even his coat could not cover his protruding gut. He had taken the day off of work due to exhaustion. Pregnancy had taken a toll on his body. He knew when the pregnancy machine was a success that carrying a child to term would be difficult. Men just weren't built to bear children. His back hurt, he couldn't sleep, he suffered from heartburn and he was just tired. The Heavy had been very accommodating to him during this time. That's why he had chosen the Heavy to be the father of his child -- he was always supportive and protective of him. He would be a great dad. Medic slowly lowered himself into a chair in his living room and sighed happily as he thought about his partner. He didn't think he'd get so mushy about this situation.

Medic's thoughts were interrupted by a gentle murmur from around the corner.

"Doktor," The Heavy shuffled into the room still dressed in his pajamas, "I made you hot choklat!" "Vunderbar!" Medic took the red hammer and sickle mug from his lover and inhaled the sweet aroma. Heavy gave him a gentle kiss on the forehead and settled into a plush love seat on the other side of the room. "How are you, mein kuschelbär?" Medic asked, holding on to his mug with both hands as it rested on his stomach. "I am good. I took day off too. I am worried about you.." he paused, looking aside embarassed, "and baby." "Zhe baby ist fine, Herr Heavy. I zhink I felt it kick earlier." "Leetle baby is keeking?" The excitement was audible in his voice. "Ja. All week! I am going to get more of zhe cocoa." Before Heavy could stop him getting up and refill his cup for him, Medic was pushing himself out of the chair. He was about to straighten himself up when all of a sudden a sharp pain shot through his abdomen. "Ach! I zhink I am ready!" Medic doubled over in pain as his body began to prepare itself for labor. The Heavy jumped out of his seat and helped his doctor lay down on the floor. He grabbed a pillow and lightly placed it under the Medic's head. "What do I do now?" Heavy was panicking. He hadn't dealt with a woman giving birth before.. let alone a man. "Will you.. will baby come out of.. of your pee hole?" "Nein, dummkopf!" Medic was attempting to control his breathing as he spoke, "Zhe Demoman! Get Herr Demoman! Autsch! Raus, raus!" Heavy nodded and ran out of their house. His eyes were watering, his feelings hurt by the Medic. He knew he was in pain, but his rudeness stung deeply.

Luckily the Demoman lived close by. Before Heavy left he was able to grab and put on his Gloves of Running Urgently so he could get there quicker. He pounded on the door, his anxiousness making him run in place at the Scotsman's door. It cracked open and one eye peered up at him. He was drunk.. as usual.

"Wa are ya doin' here, ya pork pie?" "Doktor needs your help. He is ready to have leetle baby!" "Aye, that so? Yer all bizarre bloodeh arse bandits. Don't fret, I'll help yer lactactin' wet nurse. Lemme get ready." The Demoman slammed the door and left Heavy outside waiting. "Doktor, I hope you are okay.." Heavy whispered to himself. He decided to air box to waste some time. The Demoman emerged from his house, the Highlander in one hand, a bottle of booze in the other and bright yellow shutter shades covering his eyes. "Less do this then!" He slurred.

Soon the two were back at the Medic's place. Medic was still on the floor, groaning in pain. "Doktor, I am back! I bring drunk like you ask!" "G-guten tag, Herr Demoman.. I need you to perform surgery! Cut zhis baby out of mein body!" "You sure you will be okay?" The Heavy sat next to his doctor, holding his hand tenderly. "Ja, mein kuschelbär. Zhis will be nothing!" "As long as yer sure, laddeh. Don't git how yuh can be a laddeh and give birth, but who bloodeh cares anymore. Where do ah cut?" Demoman placed his sword onto the Medic's gut, trying to figure out a location. The sword's chanting of headsheadsheads was the only noise in the room during that tense moment. "Cut zhere," The Medic pointed at the top center of his stomach. The Demoman shrugged, took a swig from his bottle and then began to drag his blade down the center of the Medic's stomach. "Auuutsch! Gemach, gemach!" Medic screamed as the Demoman finished. Heavy squeezed his hand and stroked his lover's hair. Demoman threw his sword to the ground and got onto his knees. He stuck one hand into the incision and began to dig around. "Uh.. do yuh have a uterus or what? Ah don't know where to look.. oh wait. Ah feel somethin'." He stuck his other arm in and began to pull. In what felt like hours to the Medic and the Heavy was really minutes as the drunk Scottish cyclops fished out their child. It emerged from the Medic's manwomb bloody and screaming. "Looks like a little lasseh to me!" Demoman cut the umbilical cord with his Highlander and wrapped the baby up in a towel. He handed her to the Medic. "headsheadsheadsheads!" The sword begged from the ground. "Mein Gott, she ist vunderbar. Little fräulein.." Medic held her close to his chest. Heavy burst into tears and hugged the Medic tightly. "Doktor.. Doktor, I love you! And teeny baby! I will be good father!" "You vill, Herr Heavy. You know you vill." "Bloodeh queers. Ahm goin' home." Demoman picked up his sword and head towards the door. Before he left, he gave a tender smile to the couple as he shut the door behind him.

The end.

oh god why