Episode 40: Ghosting and Rejection
Episode 40, Oct 20, 2023, 04:32 PM
This podcast is all about how to close down a relationship that's been casual. Or maybe just a few dates might have turned into a situation-ship or just something you've decided you've had enough of and it's really not right for you. There's a number of questions that people ask me and I'm gonna go through them one at a time.
First one is, is there ever a right way to reject or turn someone down that you've been casually dating? And yes, I think it's always better to be clear and assertive. This just isn't working for you. You don't need to itemize what you find wrong with the other person, but that you really feel you are just not a good fit. If they persist with you, it may be that you need to block them from your life. If they won't listen to your word and your assertiveness, they really are not the right person for you to be in relationship with at all. And that could become much more about their power control and persuasion rather than equality and love.
So I'm asked as well what to avoid when crafting this kind of text message or composing a conversation ready to have on the phone or if it should be done in person. I think there are levels with this that might be important to listen to. If it's a casual thing, avoid saying all the things that are wrong with them. Stick with things like it's not a good fit for me, or I'm just not feeling it. Don't get into a discussion or be argued out of your feelings. You can be gracious and thankful with them for their time and involvement, but again, if they're persistent and try to persuade you, they're definitely not the right one for you 'cause they'll be refusing to hear you. I think so much depends on the depth of the relationship that you've developed and the level of trust that there is between you. Whether you want to do this by text, phone, or in person. If the relationship has been relatively superficial within frequent or few dates, then it's a simple text, that's fine. But if things have become more involved between you, then a phone call or an in-person meeting would be more appropriate.
Listen to how you are feeling in your body about being in their presence. If it gives you anxiety about their rejection and their feelings about it and you are fearful, you'll not be able to hold your ground and it's best not to do it in person or over the phone. You don't want to get into a position where somebody's trying to dominate you or plead with you. If it's not right, it's not right. If they feel grown up and respectful to you, then it's your choice about how comfortable you feel speaking to them on the phone or in person act With as much integrity and clarity as possible and some relationships, they can get quite intense. Even though you've never met at all, you may have shared an awful lot online wine and that can get quite complex.
Again, if you want to stop this, be clear and kind and firm, don't waste your time pursuing a relationship if you believe it can never really give you what you want. There are people in the world who believe they're having a relationship if they're having one just online and that could be enough for them or enough for you even. But you need to be honest about that. If you really want an in-person relationship, if you want to live close to somebody or with somebody and it's just an online relationship and there's no sign of you being able to get together, then you could spend a lot of years waiting and wasting your time.
And the next question I'm given is, what about people who are overly apologetic in these sorts of messages? How should we be and how should we relate to them? So if people are over apologetic in rejecting us, it generally means they're very afraid of somebody else's reaction, possibly your anger or your upset. It's also likely they may have an exaggerated view of the effect, the effect that they have on others. Overly apologetic people are likely to be very sensitive themselves and assume that others are equally so. If you see, feel somebody is overly attached to you, then it's difficult not to be apologetic because you know you're gonna be hurting their feelings. But it's better to just be clear, kind and frank, keep it neutral. This is just not a good fit for me. I'm really not feeling it.
The next question, can it be better to be ghosted than to receive a rejection text? No, I don't think so. I think being ghosted leaves you with so many other questions and it's much better to know where you stand. Closure ends the long emotional waiting for some response and wondering what you've done wrong, which again, will trigger all your insecurities. Being treated with respect is much less hurtful. And by the same rule, I think anyone who goes to you and then comes back may not really be worth your time 'cause they didn't respect you. When they let go, they don't fit the basic criteria of trust and respect in the relationship without those. Romance can bloom, but true love, nope, no chance.
Question number five. How do you advise dealing with romantic rejection when it's done in these ambiguous ways? If a person ghost ghosts you, it's much more likely to be about them than you. They don't have the courage to speak up or they don't care for and respect your feelings enough. Either way, they're probably not good relationship material. It's always really important at the beginning to assess your potential partner's values. It's not just what they do, but how they behave, what they believe. If you don't like the way they treat a waiter, there's probably going to be a point that they will treat you Similarly, it can belie disrespect of others, which may be for any number of reasons, but generally means they're not emotionally mature and they're not somebody you want to be in relationship with.
Number six is a crunch question. Why can rejection from a casual relationship feel so painful? Lots of reasons for this. When we enter into relationship, we go in with hope, like moving into a new home. You begin to imagine what it would be like to be that person. And when we imagine something, it becomes more real. We have to do that to some degree to see if it feels right, but we shouldn't get ahead of ourselves. Go carefully, go slowly. If we stick with the housing analogy, it's like we feel we've signed the contract when we haven't even done the second viewing. We're falling in love with someone we don't really know. We just see an outline of we are falling in love with the person we imagine them to be. We've not really tested that against reality. We are falling in love with our ideal and we really need to see if the person is really our ideal or fall short of it by a long stretch.
Issues of emotional attachment from childhood can come into play when we are beginning to date somebody. If there's been parental absence, rejection, neglect, the feelings associated with that can come alive in the new relationship. This means when there is rejection, it's not a simple, sorry, this isn't right for me. It's much more in the magnitude of rejection of a parent to a child and we will feel it as if we were a child with all the intensity that goes with that. If we'd have significant emotional or practical rejection, absence or neglect in childhood, we're also likely to behave and believe in ways that predispose us to further rejection.
If we haven't done our emotional work, we're also likely to attract people who are like our caregivers when we were young. And if this keeps happening, I think it's appropriate to get some professional help so you can develop more emotional maturity yourself. You can learn to take care of yourself emotionally first and really discern who is a healthy person for you to be in relationship with. That way you can save yourself a lot of unnecessary pain and choose wisely. This is one of the reasons I do calling in the one coaching. If you're interested, let me know.
First one is, is there ever a right way to reject or turn someone down that you've been casually dating? And yes, I think it's always better to be clear and assertive. This just isn't working for you. You don't need to itemize what you find wrong with the other person, but that you really feel you are just not a good fit. If they persist with you, it may be that you need to block them from your life. If they won't listen to your word and your assertiveness, they really are not the right person for you to be in relationship with at all. And that could become much more about their power control and persuasion rather than equality and love.
So I'm asked as well what to avoid when crafting this kind of text message or composing a conversation ready to have on the phone or if it should be done in person. I think there are levels with this that might be important to listen to. If it's a casual thing, avoid saying all the things that are wrong with them. Stick with things like it's not a good fit for me, or I'm just not feeling it. Don't get into a discussion or be argued out of your feelings. You can be gracious and thankful with them for their time and involvement, but again, if they're persistent and try to persuade you, they're definitely not the right one for you 'cause they'll be refusing to hear you. I think so much depends on the depth of the relationship that you've developed and the level of trust that there is between you. Whether you want to do this by text, phone, or in person. If the relationship has been relatively superficial within frequent or few dates, then it's a simple text, that's fine. But if things have become more involved between you, then a phone call or an in-person meeting would be more appropriate.
Listen to how you are feeling in your body about being in their presence. If it gives you anxiety about their rejection and their feelings about it and you are fearful, you'll not be able to hold your ground and it's best not to do it in person or over the phone. You don't want to get into a position where somebody's trying to dominate you or plead with you. If it's not right, it's not right. If they feel grown up and respectful to you, then it's your choice about how comfortable you feel speaking to them on the phone or in person act With as much integrity and clarity as possible and some relationships, they can get quite intense. Even though you've never met at all, you may have shared an awful lot online wine and that can get quite complex.
Again, if you want to stop this, be clear and kind and firm, don't waste your time pursuing a relationship if you believe it can never really give you what you want. There are people in the world who believe they're having a relationship if they're having one just online and that could be enough for them or enough for you even. But you need to be honest about that. If you really want an in-person relationship, if you want to live close to somebody or with somebody and it's just an online relationship and there's no sign of you being able to get together, then you could spend a lot of years waiting and wasting your time.
And the next question I'm given is, what about people who are overly apologetic in these sorts of messages? How should we be and how should we relate to them? So if people are over apologetic in rejecting us, it generally means they're very afraid of somebody else's reaction, possibly your anger or your upset. It's also likely they may have an exaggerated view of the effect, the effect that they have on others. Overly apologetic people are likely to be very sensitive themselves and assume that others are equally so. If you see, feel somebody is overly attached to you, then it's difficult not to be apologetic because you know you're gonna be hurting their feelings. But it's better to just be clear, kind and frank, keep it neutral. This is just not a good fit for me. I'm really not feeling it.
The next question, can it be better to be ghosted than to receive a rejection text? No, I don't think so. I think being ghosted leaves you with so many other questions and it's much better to know where you stand. Closure ends the long emotional waiting for some response and wondering what you've done wrong, which again, will trigger all your insecurities. Being treated with respect is much less hurtful. And by the same rule, I think anyone who goes to you and then comes back may not really be worth your time 'cause they didn't respect you. When they let go, they don't fit the basic criteria of trust and respect in the relationship without those. Romance can bloom, but true love, nope, no chance.
Question number five. How do you advise dealing with romantic rejection when it's done in these ambiguous ways? If a person ghost ghosts you, it's much more likely to be about them than you. They don't have the courage to speak up or they don't care for and respect your feelings enough. Either way, they're probably not good relationship material. It's always really important at the beginning to assess your potential partner's values. It's not just what they do, but how they behave, what they believe. If you don't like the way they treat a waiter, there's probably going to be a point that they will treat you Similarly, it can belie disrespect of others, which may be for any number of reasons, but generally means they're not emotionally mature and they're not somebody you want to be in relationship with.
Number six is a crunch question. Why can rejection from a casual relationship feel so painful? Lots of reasons for this. When we enter into relationship, we go in with hope, like moving into a new home. You begin to imagine what it would be like to be that person. And when we imagine something, it becomes more real. We have to do that to some degree to see if it feels right, but we shouldn't get ahead of ourselves. Go carefully, go slowly. If we stick with the housing analogy, it's like we feel we've signed the contract when we haven't even done the second viewing. We're falling in love with someone we don't really know. We just see an outline of we are falling in love with the person we imagine them to be. We've not really tested that against reality. We are falling in love with our ideal and we really need to see if the person is really our ideal or fall short of it by a long stretch.
Issues of emotional attachment from childhood can come into play when we are beginning to date somebody. If there's been parental absence, rejection, neglect, the feelings associated with that can come alive in the new relationship. This means when there is rejection, it's not a simple, sorry, this isn't right for me. It's much more in the magnitude of rejection of a parent to a child and we will feel it as if we were a child with all the intensity that goes with that. If we'd have significant emotional or practical rejection, absence or neglect in childhood, we're also likely to behave and believe in ways that predispose us to further rejection.
If we haven't done our emotional work, we're also likely to attract people who are like our caregivers when we were young. And if this keeps happening, I think it's appropriate to get some professional help so you can develop more emotional maturity yourself. You can learn to take care of yourself emotionally first and really discern who is a healthy person for you to be in relationship with. That way you can save yourself a lot of unnecessary pain and choose wisely. This is one of the reasons I do calling in the one coaching. If you're interested, let me know.